i'm gonna look out the window of my color tv
Despite the defiance that had been in his voice during Daryl's conversation with Carol the day before, it seemed that her words had stuck with him. Or maybe he just didn't feel like stoking the fire for the time being. Either way, he and Beth walked several feet apart, alongside Carol, Tobin, Sophia, Charlie, and Malachi. Beth could feel Daryl glancing over at her like he usually did, but it was much less often, and about halfway to the park, he picked Mal up and sat the toddler atop his shoulders for the remainder of the walk. Beth focused on keeping her sunglasses on and her head low, grateful that Tobin still wasn't giving her any odd looks and that Carol seemed to be keeping the conversation going enough that she could trail behind the group and stay silent. Beth swore she could still feel traces of tension between Daryl and Carol, but she tried to assure herself it was just her own paranoia again, and the guilt from eavesdropping getting to her. She kept gazing at the wings on the back of his vest as they walked, searching for reassurance.
They walked to a park a few blocks away, tucked in between tall buildings and a nest of trees and greenery. There was a playground designed for smaller children on one half while the other half opened up to a larger playground. And with a cool, autumn breeze drifting through the city and the sun inching toward the horizon behind scattered, dark clouds, crowds of parents had come out to enjoy the weather and watch their kids play from a distance. There were several mothers sitting on benches with books in their laps or strollers beside them, as well as a handful of young couples with kids that looked to be around Mal's age, enjoying some of the toys and obstacle courses. But the park was nearing half-empty as the afternoon grew later and families wandered off to head home for dinner.
As soon as they arrived, Sophia and Charlie asked for permission to head over to the other half of the playground, where there were actually some kids their age. Carol and Tobin nodded but reminded the girls to come back in half an hour or so for dinner, and to answer their phones if they got out of earshot. They agreed and quickly wandered off while Carol set out the bag she'd brought along on a nearby picnic table.
Beth stood back and kept her sunglasses on, watching as Mal rushed over to another little boy he spotted a few feet away and Daryl exchanged a few hushed words with Carol while she worked at the picnic table, Tobin standing aside and listening quietly. Beth was too far away to hear them but she knew it was most likely about Mal. Daryl glanced back at the toddler a few times, and then he nodded to Carol and gave her a half-smile before walking away to join his son. He glanced over his shoulder towards Beth and gave her a nod of acknowledgment, which she returned, though she wasn't entirely sure what it meant.
Beth remained standing, beginning to feel a bit awkward. She could see Carol glancing toward her occasionally, but thankfully Tobin kept most of her attention as they chatted idly and he helped her where he could. Beth was trying to avoid taking off her sunglasses, having decided against wearing the brown contacts out this time. But the threat of a random stranger in the park or on the street recognizing her was ever-present in the back of her mind. It was just that, this time, the threat of setting off some serious suspicions in the people who'd come to know "Rosie" was a bit more prevalent and had taken precedence over the others. Once again, she assured herself that the city was too large and too full of people for her to stick out or be recognized.
She was about to wander over and take a seat at the table, at least for the sake of not appearing so out-of-place. Then she watched as Malachi turned and looked around, his eyes landing on her, and rushed back across the playground toward her. Daryl followed at a leisurely pace, already appearing winded from trying to keep up with the toddler. He'd taken them a full lap around the playground already, and it seemed he'd just remembered that "Rosie" had come along with them. He ran up to her excitedly and Beth smiled down at him, sliding her sunglasses up off her face to rest them atop her head.
"Rosie! Rosie!" Mal cried out excitedly, a big grin on his face. "Come – c'mon, come pway!"
Beth nodded, chuckling lightly. "Okay, what d'you wanna play?"
She glanced up again to meet Daryl's eyes as he approached behind Mal, watching the interaction. "Hey, you jus' gonna bail on Tag like that?"
Mal turned around to look up at his dad and giggled. "Dad, let's – um, we should make Rosie be It! She'll never catch us!"
Daryl raised his eyebrows and looked to Beth expectantly. "Hear that? Kid thinks you move slower'an molasses."
Beth laughed aloud and suddenly didn't care that Carol and Tobin were nearby, watching. Without a second thought, she nodded, pulling her sunglasses off her head and setting them on the picnic table before following the boys out to an open part of the playground where there were other kids running around.
When she had her back turned, Mal ran up and tapped her on the back, yelling out, "Yer It!" She spun around with a grin on her face and watched the toddler bolt away in the opposite direction, following Daryl, who was jogging at a steady pace and waiting for Mal to catch up.
Beth began running after them both, laughing and yelling after them, "Better run faster than that, I'm gonna getcha!"
At one point during their chase, Daryl picked Mal up and carried him under his arm like a football while the toddler giggled uncontrollably, and Beth had to slow down so she could catch her breath in between bouts of laughter. They chased each other around, tagging and playfully tackling each other. Mal took every opportunity he could to roll around on the ground, and Daryl made a comment about whether he should be taking the kid to a dog park or a kid's park. In response, Mal laughed and turned around to stick his butt in the air while he made a loud fart noise with his mouth. Beth had to cover her mouth while she laughed and Daryl rolled his eyes, suppressing his own smile of amusement while the toddler quickly ran off to make another lap around the junior jungle gym.
"Complete fuckin' spaz," Daryl mumbled, watching his son run around as he stood next to Beth.
She chuckled and shifted her weight from one foot to the other until their arms were touching. She glanced over at him and saw the proud smile on his face as he watched Mal, then he turned his head toward her and their eyes met. A peek of sunlight through the clouds caught his eyes just right, and suddenly they were seventy different shades of blue all at once. She smiled up at him silently, finding herself fighting back that strange, impulsive urge from the night before. The words briefly flashed through her mind before she shoved them away.
Then they heard Carol's voice calling them from the picnic table and they both looked to see her waving them over, signaling that dinner was ready. Tobin was already walking toward the other playground to look for a sign of Charlie and Sophia. Daryl quickly turned and headed toward Mal, calling after him. Beth waited for them to rejoin her, then they walked to the restrooms nearby before heading to the picnic table together.
Tobin returned with Sophia and Charlie in tow a couple of minutes later, and everyone took seats at the picnic table. Carol had set out plates with BLT sandwiches and bottles of juice and water for everyone, and Beth didn't give it a second thought as Daryl motioned her over to sit next to him, where he had Mal on his lap to save room on the bench and help the toddler eat. She squeezed into the seat on the end of the bench, next to Daryl. Carol sat on the other side of him, and across from her was Tobin, who shared the other side of the picnic table with Sophia and Charlie.
The preteens began eating and chatting with each other quietly, giggling at their inside jokes while the adults began to dig in to their own meals. Malachi chatted away happily about the other kid he'd been playing with earlier. Then he got distracted by his sandwich and grew quiet, and Carol took her opportunity to start a grown-up conversation.
"So did you already start looking into some daycares or anything?" She asked between bites of her sandwich, looking over at Daryl.
Beth watched silently, leisurely eating her dinner, as Daryl shrugged and finished his bite of sandwich before replying, "Skimmed over some on Google earlier, but I haven't done any serious lookin' yet. You got any suggestions?"
Carol nodded. "I think I might know a couple, but I'll look into it. Did he say somethin' about all this, or…?"
Daryl shook his head and Beth glanced at Mal, realizing the toddler was oblivious to the fact that he was the topic of conversation right now. He was far more fascinated with the bacon that kept falling out of his sandwich. Daryl answered, "Nah, jus' been kinda thinkin' about it ever since I couldn't get him inta that preschool. An' ya know, all those psychologists talk about gettin' kids enough interaction with other kids their own age – don't want him bein' weird an' outta place like I was."
Carol chuckled but Beth felt a little pang of sympathy for Daryl. She could tell it was an off-handed comment and he didn't mean anything serious by it, but she was starting to see just how much his own past affected how he parented. She felt another stab of guilt for losing Mal in the store the day before, beginning to wonder if it had caused Daryl to start rethinking other things, or if it had just added to his list of worries.
"I had the same problem when Chuck was Malachi's age," Tobin commented, and his daughter turned her head to glare at him from her seat.
"Dad, I told you not to call me that," Charlie grumbled.
Tobin's eyes widened for a second and he glanced over at his daughter. "Sorry – I meant Charlie."
She rolled her eyes and turned back to Sophia, who was suppressing a smile and a quiet giggle.
Daryl smirked at the exchange then nodded to Tobin. "Oh yeah?"
Tobin nodded and met Daryl's gaze, explaining, "We couldn't afford preschool either, and trips to the park and those little community activities only go so far. I think it made kindergarten less of a major transition that we had her in daycare twice a week. I mean, it's a little expensive, but it's worth it."
Daryl nodded as he listened attentively, mulling over Tobin's words for a moment.
Carol added, "That's true. He's surprisingly good with other kids for his age, but whenever I get a chance to take him out, I can tell he needs it a little more often."
Daryl shrugged, "Yeah, kinda what I was thinkin', too. He ran off in the store yesterday 'cause he saw some other kid an' wanted ta talk to him."
Shit, Beth thought, feeling her cheeks warming up and looking down at her plate, focusing on the sandwich in her hands and hoping no one was looking at her.
"Not the first time that's happened – to you or me," Carol said.
Daryl grunted. "Yeah. But…"
"It'd be good for him," Tobin said, and Beth glanced over at him to see a small, encouraging smile on his face as he looked at Daryl. "Nothing wrong with wanting him to make some friends."
Daryl nodded, taking a big bite of his sandwich and chewing it while he gazed down at Malachi thoughtfully, who was struggling to keep the last pieces of his sandwich together. The toddler noticed the eyes on him and looked up, quickly filling the peaceful silence with more questions and babbling.
They finished their dinner amongst conversations about the self-defense class and whatever Mal was rambling about. Beth and Daryl's eyes met several times, and he offered a small half-smile a few of those times. She was relieved to find herself relaxing a bit around Tobin, though she could've sworn she'd caught him gazing at her quizzically at one point or another. She attributed it to her own paranoia and brushed it off, because every time she glanced over and happened to meet his eyes, he'd flash her a polite smile and turn back to his food or Carol or Daryl.
After they'd all helped clean up and dispose of their garbage, Sophia and Charlie went to a separate picnic table that was nearby together, sharing funny photos with each other on their phones and giggling amongst themselves. Daryl and Tobin got caught up talking to each other about what they did for a living and their shared interest in motorcycles. They continued their conversation as Daryl led Mal back to the playground, directing him toward a small group of toddlers playing in a sandbox. Beth hung back, sitting at the picnic table and scrolling through news headlines on her phone absent-mindedly.
Carol was preoccupied with packing up the bag she'd brought along, wandering back over to the picnic table from the garbage can nearby and stuffing some empty containers into the bag. Beth could see Carol from the corner of her eye, glancing at her.
"So you're feeling better? Doin' okay?" Carol asked casually as she organized the contents of her bag.
Beth looked up from her phone and nodded. "Yeah. Thanks…"
Carol raised her eyebrows, giving Beth a stern, mother-like expression. "You've been taking the antibiotic?"
Beth nodded. "Of course."
"Good," Carol said with a small smile. "I'm glad to hear it."
Beth waited awkwardly for a few seconds, watching the other woman zip up her bag. Then she looked back down to her phone screen. A part of her was uneasy about Carol now since she'd overheard the argument with Daryl. She was starting to wonder if she needed to be more guarded around this particular woman.
"So you told Daryl…" It sounded more like a statement than a question, yet when Beth looked back up, she found Carol gazing at her expectantly, as if she were waiting for an answer.
All Beth could do was nod silently, unsure of what to expect.
She couldn't help but think, And what business is it of yours? But she tried to stop herself from being resentful towards one of the people who'd helped her the most in the last couple of weeks.
Carol quirked an eyebrow, then said, "I didn't think you… wanted him to know."
Beth shrugged, blood rushing to her face no matter how hard she tried to fight it. She glanced down at her phone awkwardly, feeling herself shrinking under Carol's intense gaze.
"I, uh… it just kinda came out," she replied weakly, quickly clearing her throat and looking up to Carol's eyes, forcing herself to speak with more assurance. "He was worried and… there wasn't really any reason to lie about it."
Carol nodded as though it were a suitable explanation, but her eyebrow was still quirked curiously. "Right… he's a caring guy, and he's very observant, so that doesn't surprise me."
What're you getting at with this? Beth wondered silently, studying Carol's expression and trying to figure it out.
But then the older woman smiled briefly and said, "He's a worrier – if you hadn't picked up on that yet."
Beth half-smiled hesitantly, "Yeah, I noticed…"
"But sometimes he doesn't worry about the right things," Carol added, and Beth's smile disappeared.
"What d'you mean?" She asked quietly.
Carol shrugged. "He's got a lot on his plate, being a single dad and working – there's a lot that he's pushed aside for the sake of putting Mal first. And that kinda stuff builds up after a while… I'm sure you know what I mean."
Beth looked away briefly, heart thumping in her chest as she thought, Unfortunately, I think I do.
She watched Carol glance back over her shoulder, watching Daryl and Tobin talk while Mal played with a couple other kids in the sandbox. A few of the kids' mothers stood nearby, and one of them was standing next to Daryl, appearing to chat with him and Tobin. She was blonde and beautiful, and Beth could see, even from where she sat, the way the woman was laughing at every other thing Daryl said.
Carol turned her head back to look at Beth and noticed her eyes lingering on Daryl for a second too long. When Beth met her eyes again, the older woman was studying her thoughtfully.
"What is it that you want out of this, exactly?" Carol asked.
She made the question sound so simple and casual that it caught Beth off-guard at first. Her stomach did a small flip and she searched for the right answer. But she wasn't sure there was a right answer. There was no lie needed for this. Not that she could believably lie about it anyway. Carol knew something was up between them, and at this point, Beth was afraid it would only end up hurting Daryl if she continued to deny it. Carol would figure it out eventually anyway.
Beth shrugged, opening her mouth and pausing. She shook her head and blinked, then said, with some assurance, "Nothing – I don't want anything out of it."
Carol raised her eyebrows. "You wanted to feel safe… didn't you?"
Beth looked away thoughtfully for a moment, then replied, "Well, yeah…"
"So did he," Carol said softly.
Beth blinked and felt a knot forming in her throat. She swallowed past it and stuffed her phone into her pocket, beginning to fiddle with the bandana around her wrist.
What does she expect me to do? She thought. She knows I'm hiding something, but she has no idea how dangerous it is… I'm not lying to keep myself safe anymore, it's keeping Daryl safe from the truth, too.
She knew that wasn't exactly the correct line of thinking, but it made sense to her at the moment.
Something about Carol's scrutinizing gaze made the words fall out of Beth's mouth without much more thought as she stared down at her fingertips on the bandana. "I… He caught me hidin' the antibiotics. But – I don't actually know why I was hiding them… It was just – a habit, I guess."
When she looked back up, she saw a spark of curiosity in Carol's eyes as the older woman furrowed her brow momentarily. Beth wasn't sure why she'd shared this, but a part of her figured that if Carol had been able to give good advice about the pregnancy, then maybe she'd have good advice for this, too. Or at least an explanation that would make some sort of sense.
Then Carol left the bag sitting atop the picnic table and sat down in the seat across from Beth, leaning across the table with her elbows rested on the wooden surface. Beth could already feel Carol assuming the "counselor" role in the conversation and she suddenly regretted letting herself speak without inhibition.
"I know there's a lot you haven't told me – or anyone else," Carol said, her voice a bit apprehensive. "About the extents of your abuse… and otherwise. Daryl seems to think you'll talk about it when you're ready, which is fine. He's right, in a way."
In a way? Beth thought, staring back at Carol's blue eyes, every muscle in her body tensing as she listened intently.
Carol paused and licked her lips, then continued, "But there's some things that affect you, and the people around you, whether you realize it or not. Daryl won't press the matter – he believes in giving people space. But he'll see the holes and he'll worry. And one day, he's gonna ask for an explanation. He deserves someone who can be honest with him. Even when it hurts. If you lie to him about something for so long, he'll start to question why he ever trusted you to begin with – he'll question everything."
Beth's heart was beating rapidly against the inside of her chest, and she couldn't tear her eyes away from Carol's, thinking to herself, Fuck, I know she's right about Daryl, but… what does this woman know? What does she think she knows? Does she have any idea how impossibly heavy this whole thing really is? Daryl doesn't deserve that – he doesn't deserve to carry around my problems on top of his own.
Thankfully, Carol spoke again before Beth had to search for her voice. "It's – whatever you've been through has left some permanent damage. Little habits like that, like hiding your medicine or lying about whatever little details you can lie about, being paranoid of any new person you meet – those are all long-lasting symptoms of abuse. It's a good sign that you came out today without your contacts, but… at some point, you have t'ask yourself if what you're doing seems like something a healthy person should be doing. Or someone who's trying to be healthy."
Beth blinked and swallowed back a momentary confession.
I guess that makes sense, she admitted silently. But I bet you wouldn't say these things if you knew the real extent of my situation…
Then she said, quietly and with all the defense she could muster, "You don't understand just how dangerous my ex actually is. I'm not runnin' from some imaginary boogeyman – I know the real consequences, I know what I'm dealin' with. Why else would I have come this far?"
It wasn't really a question, but Carol answered without missing a beat anyway. "Because you're running from more than just your ex. Because you think you can outrun all that pain and suffering. But you can't. You have to live with it, make room for it – you have to heal around it. And you can't allow it to become the moat around your big wall, where you drown anyone that tries to get inside. Making others suffer will only cause more hurt for yourself."
Beth glanced over towards Tobin and Daryl, spotting Malachi still playing in the sandbox. The blonde mom was still standing next to Daryl, chatting away happily. Beth thought she might've felt a small pang of jealousy, but she quickly pushed it away. There was no time for some bullshit like that right now.
But it must've appeared on her face because Carol didn't have to look over her shoulder to check what Beth had momentarily gazed at before she said softly, "Look, it's not my place to judge what you two do behind closed doors. If you see something in each other… then there's no stopping that. He's stubborn, and he'll fight tooth-and-nail if he thinks you're really worth it. Which he does. But he's used to getting hurt by the people he trusts – "
Beth narrowed her eyes briefly and interjected, "What're you getting at with this?"
Carol blinked, a bit taken aback, and replied firmly, "I'm telling you not to make him regret it. Don't make him look foolish for trusting you or giving you the benefit of the doubt. He's not a forgiving guy… He can try t'say that this is just something casual, that you're both 'figuring it out as you go' or what-have-you, but that little boy is caught right in the middle of it, and something like this can never be that simple for Daryl anymore. He's well past that, he's decided to be better for his son."
I can't tell him the full truth. Not even now, she thought. I waited too long. It's too late. I already know he's not a forgiving guy, especially considering I've done something so unforgivable.
Beth swallowed painfully and looked down at the splintered wood surface of the picnic table, unable to think of anything but the way Daryl had looked at her when they were lying in bed together, and the way his arm tightened around her and pulled her in closer every chance he got. She thought of the way he'd been gazing at her when she'd woken up on the couch with Mal cuddled up beside her. She felt a stab of guilt in her chest, icy and penetrating.
I don't want to lose them – I don't want to leave them, she thought desperately. I can't.
Her voice came out firmer than she'd expected when she said, "I told him I'd stay. He – we talked about it, an' he asked me to stay longer. So I'm not… just gonna run off. If you think I'm so fucked up that I can't really care about somebody yet – well, you're wrong."
Carol blinked and studied Beth's face, then said, "Okay, so that's step one. But it's also – well, it's a big step. You realize this has far exceeded the 'roommates' arrangement… right?"
Beth swallowed hard and nodded. "Obviously."
She could see Carol biting back a remark and pausing, then she said, "If your ex is as dangerous as you say, then maybe you shouldn't be involving other people in your life so deeply. Daryl is one thing, but Malachi is – "
"I know," Beth cut her off, growing defensive. "I would never put them in that kinda danger. I…" Her voice trailed off and she grappled with the right words in her mind. Then she lied, "I'm workin' on it – on not bein' so paranoid. It's only been three weeks, I just need – a little time t'get used to it. Used to bein' so far away and not bein' followed."
Carol pursed her lips and Beth could see the scrutiny in her gaze, but she nodded and seemed to accept it – for now. "Alright, well… talking about it helps. I don't have t'tell you that. And I might be protective of those boys, but I also wanna help. My door's always open if you decide you need to get some things off your chest. Healing isn't always moving forward… sometimes it's just recognizing exactly where you're at. You gotta start somewhere."
Beth nodded and took in her words, trying not to glance over in Daryl's direction again. She could see him in her peripherals, and she was pretty sure he'd looked back at her and Carol a time or two while they were talking.
Then Carol sighed and stood up, gazing up at the sky thoughtfully and then out towards Daryl and Tobin. The two appeared to have become good friends, chatting and laughing together while Malachi played in the sandbox and interacted with other kids. Beth watched them from where she sat, but her mind was racing with dozens of anxious thoughts.
She was grateful to see Carol wandering off towards the boys, and Charlie and Sophia were still in their own little world at the other picnic table. But Beth felt that familiar ball of guilt forming in her gut, and even though the cramps had stopped appearing, this was something she feared would never go away.
The sky was growing dark and the city was beginning to light up when Beth reached the apartment building with Daryl, Carol, Mal, and Sophia. They'd parted ways with Tobin and Charlie after leaving the park and Beth remained mostly quiet during the walk home, idly listening as Daryl and Carol chatted about daycare options and getting Malachi more interaction with other children. The toddler had spent most of their remaining time at the park digging for bugs and picking up every insect he could find, and Carol commented on how he was a bit of an introverted child most of the time. But Daryl assured her it was only a small part of his personality and that he wanted his son to have a chance at being sociable and making friends. Beth met Daryl's eyes several times throughout the walk whenever he'd glance back at her, and she'd give him a reassuring smile, which seemed to bring a lightness to his eyes each time.
The apartment building was quiet when Daryl, Beth, and Malachi parted ways with Carol and Sophia in the hallway, heading inside of their separate apartments. Daryl assured Carol he'd be seeing her bright and early in the morning, and Beth glanced back to find Carol shooting her a meaningful look before disappearing behind the door of apartment 3B. Spindly vines of dread grew inside her stomach and she followed the boys inside 3A, heading straight for the bathroom.
Daryl spent a while bathing Malachi and getting him ready for bed before doing the same for himself. Beth had cleaned up and changed into pajamas before relaxing on her bed with the door half-open, the Bible open in her lap as she read and tried to find some sense of pleasant nostalgia in the verses. She'd already scoured the news sites for any mention of her or her family, and she'd come away the slightest bit relieved to find nothing but the usual political headlines that were always showing up. She'd also received a text from Irma, asking how she was doing, and had replied with assurance that she was good and getting better every day. Irma and Dale were still in the Midwest, living it up with old friends and meeting new acquaintances. Beth couldn't help but briefly wonder if she would've been better off staying with them the whole time. At least then, she'd always be on the move.
She heard his footsteps in the hall before Daryl appeared in the doorway, lightly knocking on the door. She looked up from the Bible and saw him gazing in at her curiously, eyes briefly flicking toward the drawing pinned to her wall. She could hear Malachi's small footsteps heading toward the living room behind Daryl.
"We were gonna do ice cream an' A Bug's Life before bed. You in?" He asked.
Beth smiled and closed her Bible, setting it back on her nightstand and standing up from the bed. "Absolutely."
Daryl smirked and took a step into the bedroom, moving the door until it was almost closed as Beth approached him. Then he reached out and snaked an arm around her waist, pulling her in close to him and leaning down to steal a quick kiss. He looked as though he were about to say something, but Mal's voice calling out from the living room stopped him.
"Da-ad!"
Daryl chuckled and let go of Beth's waist, shaking his head. She smiled understandingly and followed him out the door to get three bowls of ice cream and join the toddler in the living room. She tried not to wonder what Daryl had been about to say.
The three of them ate ice cream and watched the movie together, a cool breeze blowing in through the window and all the lights turned off in the small apartment. They ended up snuggled close together on the couch by the end of the movie, Malachi's head resting in Daryl's lap while his legs were stretched out across Beth's lap, his belly full of ice cream. He fell asleep shortly before the credits began to roll, and when a light snore came from his mouth, Daryl glanced over at Beth and they shared a smirk. Though it wasn't the first knowing look or thoughtful gaze they'd shared throughout the movie. Beth could see something building behind Daryl's eyes the whole time, even in the dim glow of the TV screen.
As silently and carefully as they could, Beth and Daryl slipped out from underneath the toddler, and Daryl picked him up gently before carrying him off to the bedroom. Beth plopped back down on the couch and surfed through channels on the TV, trying to ignore the light fluttering in her stomach at the thought of alone time with Daryl. She'd left her phone in the bedroom and now her fingers were fidgeting with the bandana around her wrist once again.
She couldn't shake the sense that there was more on Daryl's mind than making out tonight, and she was beginning to wonder if Carol's words from the day before had gotten to him, or if maybe they'd exchanged more on the subject since then. What if Carol had been right and Daryl was going to start pointing out all the holes in her stories? What if he decided to call "Rosie" on her bluff?
But her fear and worry slowly faded away as she watched Daryl emerge from down the hall and step into the kitchen to pour himself a small glass of whiskey. Then he joined her on the couch, settling in close beside her and taking a grateful sip of his drink.
Beth watched him silently for a moment, then asked, "Did he get all worn out from the park?"
Daryl nodded and kept hold of his glass, resting it on his knee and looking over at Beth. "Yeah, he's out cold."
She gave him a crooked half-smile and watched his cheeks turn the lightest shade of pink before he quickly looked away and took another sip of whiskey. Then she asked, "Didn't even ask for a bedtime story?"
He shook his head, "Nah – surprisingly. I'll have ta make up for it tomorrow night, though."
She chuckled quietly, leaning back into the cushions of the couch and gazing at the TV. Maybe she'd been wrong about Daryl having more on his mind – not that she was disappointed. Tomorrow would be another long day without them in the apartment, and if she wandered over to Carol's, it would only turn into a head-shrinking. She wanted to enjoy the boys' presence in peace while she could.
They sat in silence and watched TV for a few minutes, relaxing back into the comfort of being around each other. It seemed to Beth that it felt more and more natural every night. If she were honest with herself, she'd never even thought that it was possible to feel this comfortable and peaceful around another person. Even with Jimmy, she'd never known what it was like to sit and just be, without having to fill the empty space with words or actions or activities.
About thirty seconds into a commercial break, Daryl spoke aloud, his voice deep and tired. "Need ta go campin' soon, 'fore it gets too cold."
Beth looked over at him and furrowed her brow. "Camping? What, like on a roof?"
Daryl smirked and chuckled like she was joking, then he saw the genuine question on her face and quirked an eyebrow in disbelief. "No – up in the Catskills. There's a helluva lot more to New York than the city, ya know."
"Oh – right," Beth nodded, feeling a bit foolish. She'd forgotten about the miles and miles of wilderness that made up the state of New York. "How d'you get out there?"
He shrugged. "Las' time, Denise let me borrow her car. Me an' Mal went up fer a couple nights. He loved it."
"That sounds fun," she smiled, watching his eyes brighten briefly as he reminisced on the occasion.
Daryl took a sip of his whiskey, then asked casually, "Would you wanna go?"
Beth raised her eyebrows, still smiling faintly. "'Course – if you'll have me. Been a while since I've been campin', but I always liked it."
He nodded and a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. She saw him glance at her lips but he quickly caught himself and focused on her eyes again, his fingers tapping at the glass in his hand. She could see him chewing on his lower lip, almost nervously, then he looked at his drink and raised the glass to his lips.
She studied him and waited for him to speak again, or to continue speaking. But he swallowed his sip of whiskey and went back to staring at the glass resting on his knee, chewing on his lip again. She could see his mind working behind his eyes, and the curiosity finally got to her.
With a tentative half-smile, she tilted her head to the side and kept her eyes locked on his as she asked, "What're you thinkin' right now?"
He finally met her gaze again and shrugged, but it was tense. His fingers were still fidgeting around the glass in his hand. Then he cleared his throat and swiped his other hand across his nose briefly, breaking their eye contact as he rumbled, "Saw you an' Carol talkin' at the park… Was she helpin' or bein' nosey again?"
Beth furrowed her brow and shook her head. "It wasn't anything like that – she was helpin', I guess. Asking how I'm doin' an' everything…"
Daryl met her eyes again, appearing to relax just a bit, and said, "Oh – good."
She nodded and waited for him to go on, but it seemed that was all he had to say. For now.
She gave it another moment's wait and watched him take a sip from his glass before she asked, "So did you and Mal make some new friends while we were there?"
She was thinking of the blonde mom who'd been chatting Daryl up by the sandbox, but she was trying not to.
He narrowed his eyes briefly and studied her expression, though she kept a small smile on her face. Then he scoffed and said, "Me and Mal…? Oh – yer talkin' about the blonde that was talkin' ta me an' Tobin."
Beth felt her cheeks rapidly growing hot and she glanced away from Daryl's eyes, curling her legs up beneath her and resituating herself on the couch beside him as a distraction. She hadn't really been asking about the blonde –she'd just been kind of hoping he'd mention her, if she mattered. If she mattered, was the key phrase. Beth wasn't trying to come off as jealous when there was no reason to be. She could tell Daryl wasn't the type to tolerate that kind of overbearing nonsense.
But it seemed he could see right through her and he smirked knowingly as he gazed at her, and she had no choice but to look back up and make eye contact again. She shrugged and tried to laugh it off like it was a joke, "I dunno, jus' thought…" Her voice trailed off and she shrugged again, awkwardly.
"She was tryin' pretty hard, but I only had ta hear her talk fer about three seconds 'fore she started annoyin' the hell outta me," he rumbled, still smirking.
"Oh," Beth said softly, glancing away briefly.
"Asked fer my number but I turned her down," he finished. "Tried ta get ya t'come over there but you seemed pretty caught-up with Carol."
Beth blushed again. "I didn't mean t'ask if you made friends like that, I was jus' – "
He grunted, a lazy half-chuckle of amusement, and for a moment, she wanted to shrink away under his gaze. She felt like she'd made a complete fool of herself. But then he said, "'S alright if ya got a li'l jealous."
She scoffed and let out a soft "hah," hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt. Then she mumbled, "Wasn't jealous…" But she saw the amused smirk on Daryl's face and the shadow of something else in his eyes as he gazed at her, and she shrugged for the millionth time, her smile turning sheepish. The fluttering in her stomach was incessant.
It seemed that he found her potential jealousy to be amusing, rather than perturbing like she'd expected. This was a small relief, but it didn't make her feel any less embarrassed. What right did she have to be jealous, anyway?
"I ain't interested in anybody else," Daryl said softly, his voice hesitant.
Beth blinked but didn't waiver under his gaze, a small smile still on her lips as she said, "Me either."
He smirked almost sheepishly and took a sip of whiskey, letting the silence settle between them for a long moment. Once again, she could see his mind working behind his dark blue eyes and the thoughtful expression creeping onto his face. He looked away from her and down at the glass in his hand. She saw him chewing on the inside of his cheek, almost nervously. She could tell he was about to bring up a serious topic, and her mind started reeling with all the possibilities of what could be so clearly bothering him.
Then he finally spoke the words that she had seen teetering on the tip of his tongue since he'd sat down beside her. "Me an' Carol had a talk yesterday an'… well, she made some good points. An' not that it's really any a of her business, but ya know… she's 'bout the closest thing Mal's got to a mom, so she's got a right ta have an opinion on the shit that affects him. An' she's one a the only people whose opinion I really give a shit about…"
Beth nodded, pursing her lips and listening attentively, waiting patiently as Daryl struggled to find exactly what he was trying to say. I knew this was coming, she thought. Carol got to him – he wants answers.
He continued, "She don't… know yet that we've… ya know – how far we've gone. An' like I said, ain't really any a her business. But she ain't stupid, an' neither is Mal, an' they spend a lotta time together… The point is, Mal's warmin' up to ya. A lot. Maybe he's gettin' attached, I 'ono… But me an' him – we're a package deal. He gets hurt, so do I. There's only so much I can protect him from, at the end a the day. And…"
His voice trailed off for a moment and he seemed to force himself to meet her gaze. She could see the worry in his eyes and the hesitation on his face as he struggled to push out his final sentiment.
Just say it already. Ask me what the real truth is, she thought. Tell me how Carol's convinced you that I'm some kind of threat to Mal.
"I know we said we'd figure it out later. An' I know I asked you t'stay till we do," Daryl rumbled, and it sounded like his mouth had suddenly gone dry. "But – I don't think that's really possible in this situation. You been here a couple weeks now, you know what yer in for with us… An' you know I ain't got any intention of makin' this… temporary. So if we're gonna keep this up, then I'm gonna have ta ask you to decide somethin' before it gets s – any more serious... I ain't stupid, I know shit don't always work out perfect. Like I said before, maybe we'll end up hatin' each other in a few years. But we can find that out on our own… 'Least, I'd like to."
Beth swallowed past a growing knot in her throat and nodded weakly, unable to look away from Daryl's intense gaze even if she wanted to. Her pulse was rapidly increasing with every word he pushed out.
Maybe this isn't the conversation I was expecting, she thought, hanging on his every drawled sentence.
He paused and licked his lips, then continued, "If yer gonna leave, I… I need you t'do it now. I know it's – I know that's kind of a shitty thing ta ask, but I gotta think a my boy an' what's best fer him in the long run. You gotta decide if this is what you wanna get yerself into. An' if it's not – so be it... I'm not sayin' I wouldn't be disappointed, but I ain't gonna guilt ya into staying if you know it ain't right fer you… You can leave now an' I won't hold it against ya – won't even be mad. We can stay in touch, be friends, all a that. Or you can disappear, if that's what you need. But… I can't defend what we're doin' – ta Carol or myself – if I ain't even sure yer gonna stick around."
The gravity of Daryl's question and the options he was presenting her with finally settled over Beth like a large blanket of guilt and she forced back the tears that were threatening to build. She nodded in understanding and he watched her expectantly. She could see his muscles tensed up, see him studying her face and trying to figure out what she was thinking.
This is what I wanted, isn't it? She thought, her stomach turning angrily. Normalcy. Security. Stability. More time with Daryl and Mal. Maybe this is what I need… I can settle in, lay low. Blend in. Bide my time. Eventually, I can tell Daryl the truth. Eventually, he'll understand. Or he won't… But he can make his own choice, like I'm choosing now – he can choose to forgive me or to forget me. And then, when Jesus finally comes through… well, we can figure that out if we even get there.
She licked her lips and tried to steady her racing heartbeat. She couldn't help but think of what Daryl's work buddy, Dwight, had said about the situation. She could still vividly recall Daryl standing in the darkness of her bedroom doorway, spilling out everything he'd been holding in. She was starting to think Dwight had been more right than she'd originally thought. She would be stupid to continue denying the depth of her and Daryl's relationship at this point. Everyone else saw it, and she'd only been putting off the inevitable when she'd told herself it was anything less. And every day, it grew deeper. She couldn't ignore it anymore. Neither of them could.
Beth's voice came out hesitant as she said, "I… wanna stay. She kinda talked t'me about that today, too, and… I mean, it's not just Mal getting attached. I know how important this all is, I know what you guys have here. I don't wanna intrude on anything, that's never what I intended – but… I didn't make a plan for this. All I know is that I don't wanna leave and – well, I-I don't wanna leave you and Mal."
Daryl's face filled with dread at first, but it was gradually replaced with relief and he finally gave a sheepish half-smile. He nodded and glanced down at his whiskey glass, then back up to Beth's eyes. She could see it in his face – she already knew that this had been his way of attempting to validate what they'd been doing into an actual relationship. He wanted her to stay, but he wanted her to stay with him. For them to be together, to be something real. She could feel it in the way he spoke and the way he was gazing at her. And she wasn't going to even try to deny that a very large part of her wanted the same thing.
"It's – well, I think your work friend is… right," she added softly. "We might be all fucked up, but… we found each other. And it might not turn out well, but – well, we can try. If… that's what you want, then it's what I want."
"So… we'll jus' see where it goes. With the… relationship," he muttered quietly, watching her with apprehension.
Relationship… our relationship, Beth thought, hanging on the word and the way he'd pushed it out of his mouth quickly, the way he'd glanced away from her when he said it, then looked back, awaiting her reaction.
She nodded, then the corner of Daryl's mouth turned up into a small, satisfied smirk as he added quietly, "Can't promise you won't get sick a me. But I won't go nowhere if you don't…"
She smirked back and understood that his words held a deeper meaning. She nodded and said, "Maybe you'll get sick of me."
He chuckled softly and rumbled, "Not possible." Then he took a sip of whiskey while staring at Beth over the rim of his glass.
She felt her cheeks warming up and glanced away sheepishly, smiling.
They were silent for a long moment, eyes drifting back to the TV, though it was obvious they both had other things on their minds. Beth felt substantially better knowing that at least one issue was somewhat resolved. It was relieving to know that she hadn't been imagining all those little signs in her head, and that Daryl had actually meant what he'd been saying – and doing – for the last week. Even though she was still pushing off a much larger problem for the distant future.
Then she was pulled from her thoughts by Daryl's low voice, speaking as though he were adding an after-thought to their conversation, "I know there's still a lotta stuff you haven't told me – prob'ly don't want to. An' I guess it goes both ways when it comes t'the two of us, but… you ain't gotta hide nothin' from me. An' I don't jus' mean stuff like the meds or whatever – that goes fer everything. If we're doin' this, then I'm all in…"
Beth swallowed hard and felt an icy stab of guilt in her chest as she looked at him again.
He paused and cleared his throat awkwardly, then finished, "And I ain't gonna push ya t'talk about shit you ain't ready t'talk about yet – that don't work fer me, I wouldn't expect it ta work fer anybody else… But I won't hide nothin' from you. An' whatever you tell me isn't gonna make me think a you any differently. All I ask is that you do the same... I know there's a buncha shit yer tryin' ta get past, an' I understand that. But… don't hide it. You ain't gotta do that. 'S not how we live around here."
Something about his last few words made her think of her family for the briefest moment. But when Daryl met her eyes after speaking, watching her expectantly, she didn't look away or blink, she just nodded.
How could I possibly run away now? If he's in this deep… I'm in even deeper. I'm submerged. There's no leaving this behind like it's Georgia or Philadelphia or D.C., she thought. Even if I wanted to… there's no lying about this part.
All Beth really wanted to tell him was that he was wrong – that there were definitely some things she could tell him that would make him think of her differently. Maybe even make him despise her. But she couldn't bring herself to try to explain it, not now. Not yet.
He raised his eyebrows, as if he were anticipating more of an answer. Then he asked, "Deal…?"
She nodded again and smiled weakly. "Deal."
He watched her for a few more seconds, as if he were assuring himself that she was serious. Then he smirked in satisfaction, visibly relieved to have gotten everything off his chest. Beth was torn, though – a part of her was relieved, but another part was weighed down with an even heavier load of guilt.
I can't tell him yet, she thought. He wouldn't understand. Not yet.
She could've assumed the answer for herself, but she asked for reassurance, "So, for Mal…?"
Daryl shrugged but his half-smile faded and he replied, "If he starts askin' questions, we can sit him down an' talk to him. But he's pretty sharp fer a three-year-old… Think he mighta figured it out before we did."
Beth chuckled quietly in agreement and watched Daryl's smirk return as he gazed at her.
Then he was snaking his arm around her waist and pulling her in closer until she was practically falling into his lap, and she leaned into him and found their lips meeting in a soft kiss. She could feel something more in the flex of his muscles and the way he pressed his mouth to hers, and her instinct told her that it was the blossoming bulb of something that would grow much larger than she'd ever expected.
For now, she eased herself by getting lost in the smell and taste of Daryl, and telling herself that at least now she knew she was guaranteed a few more months with the boys. And when that nagging voice began piping up at the back of her head, trying to convince her that Daryl would never understand or forgive her, she pushed it away and reached a hand out to grasp the back of his neck and deepen their kiss.
I just need time, she thought. Just a little more time to make sense of things for myself, to make sure my face won't go national – then I can work on explaining it all to Daryl. And hoping he understands. Maybe he won't at first, but eventually… with a little time…
She briefly thought of her daddy's pocket watch, nestled inside her bag in the bedroom amongst the gun and the wads of cash. Which made her think of her daddy, and how he'd always thought they had more time. Beth could still hear Shawn's voice, and Maggie's, echoing in her ears: "We're close – we just gotta wait a little longer."
But what had they been waiting for, after all?
to be continued…
A/N: I really struggled with this chapter so I hope y'all like it and don't think it came out weird. I really did my best. I could've split it into 2 chapters but I didn't want to. The lyrics fit both halves of this chapter too perfectly to split them up.
Next chapter, I'm gonna fuck with your emotions. I'm not sorry. You all know what you signed up for.
Last chapter & this chapter's title lyrics come from "A Different City" by Modest Mouse.