i thought of just your face

When Beth awoke on Tuesday morning, she had faint memories of Daryl nudging her awake in the predawn hours and kissing her goodbye. The apartment was silent again, though it was flooded with morning sunlight, and the smell of coffee, eggs, and toast was still drifting through the air. Once she'd adjusted to being awake, she reached over and grabbed her phone to find a lot more notifications than she usually had – most of them were texts from the girls. She read the overview of messages on her notifications screen:

Clementine (8:36 am): So you guys are official right? Like boyfriend and girlfriend?
Rosita (8:42 am): OMG YOU AND DARYL REALLY ARE ?!
Clementine (8:43 am): Cuz I'm telling everybody lmao
Clementine (8:54 am): So did Carol know this whole time?
Tara (9:03 am): You and Daryl ARE banging?! DUUUDE… :D

Rolling her eyes, Beth opened the messages and typed out replies, smirking to herself as she confirmed that it was true and sarcastically thanked Clem for the slew of questions and exclamation points from the other girls. She also assured her that Carol only knew as much as the others – which meant she pretty much knew but probably didn't expect to hear them calling each other pet names any time soon.

Or did she? Beth wasn't really sure anymore, to be honest. Carol seemed to acknowledge the fact that Daryl and "Rosie" were growing closer than they'd intended, and that they also had no intentions of slowing down. And although she'd seemed to be attempting to talk Daryl into thinking twice about the situation, or spook "Rosie" into second-guessing her place in Daryl's life, she also seemed to understand that she couldn't do anything to stop two adults from doing what they wanted to do. Though she made a lot of good points about the healing process and the side effects of Beth's self-medicating habits, it also made Beth wonder how she thought she had any room to talk. Beth was only three weeks past escaping the pile of rubble and ash that had become of her entire life, and if she was still dealing with the fallout from that, simply trying to escape the pain before facing it head-on, then who was Carol to judge? She was certainly still dealing with the fallout of her marriage with Ed, especially when it came to Sophia, so it wasn't like she was a stranger to bad habits. Did she think Beth would just snap out of it, convince herself that she was no good for Daryl and Mal and just leave them? What kind of endgame was she hoping for here? Or maybe Carol just liked to test people. She certainly wouldn't be the first person Beth had met who liked doing that.

After a quick scroll through the usual news sites and the reassurance that there was nothing new to report on her family's case (or in Jenny Jones' investigation), Beth got out of bed and proceeded with her usual morning routine: bathroom, antibiotic, coffee, quick shower, a little grooming, breakfast, more coffee. While she sat and ate, the TV playing sitcom reruns at a low volume, she kept busy with more text messages from the girls. She was still a bit surprised at their reactions, but she had to admit it was nice. She'd never really known what it was like to have friends that supported her relationship and wanted to offer encouraging words. She tried not to think about what they might say if they knew the full truth.

Once her phone had gone quiet and the rest of the coffee was cold, she made herself some lunch and closed the door to her bedroom so that the Beretta in the drawer would stop taunting her. Even as she sat at the table and ate, staring out the window at the overcast sky, dark clouds lingering from the day before, she could practically feel it sitting inside the bag. The morning's fog had evaporated and vanished hours ago, but an autumn chill was in the breeze that wafted through the apartment, along with the heaviness of humidity. The hints of ocean air didn't help to make Beth's lunch go down any easier, as thoughts of the gun kept creeping to the forefront of her mind. But the idea of leaving the apartment again, wandering back to the East River, made her anxious and finicky. She thought about waiting until nightfall, but how would she explain that to Daryl? It would seem awfully suspicious of her to want to go anywhere alone past dark, unless she wanted to try sneaking out again like she had to meet Jesus. And at this point, she wasn't sure she had the willpower to slip out of Daryl's arms at night and leave the apartment while he slept.

She knew she was making excuses for herself. But there was no one around to call her out on it. Without guidance from Maggie or her daddy, she had no one to point out when she was pushing things off or making bad decisions. She just had to figure it out on her own – the hard way. But it also meant no one to stop her from doing whatever she felt was best. And what better way to learn than from your own mistakes?

Probably from Maggie's, her logical side piped up. And Daddy's. And Shawn's…

She tossed the last few bites of her lunch, suddenly finding the food to be bland and difficult to swallow. She tried to distract herself with cleaning up the kitchen and looking forward to seeing Daryl and Mal. She was even considering going to Carol's just for the sake of spending some time with Mal. But she decided against it and chose, instead, to settle in to the couch with a mug of hot tea and a book.

It was still early afternoon when her phone vibrated with a text from Daryl that simply told her he had dinner covered and that he was counting down the hours until he got home. She smiled and texted back a reply with the same sentiment, amazed at how fluttery her stomach had gotten at nothing more than a text message.

Beth had only gotten a few more chapters into the book after Daryl's text message when there was a knock at the front door. She set the book down and went to the peephole, standing up on tiptoes and peering out with one eye. Carol was standing in front of the door, waiting patiently. With a small sigh of relief, Beth opened the door and greeted the older woman with a polite smile.

"Hey there," Carol smiled back warmly. "Did I interrupt anything?"

Beth shook her head. "No, I was just reading. What's up?"

"Just needed t'grab some of Mal's juice," Carol explained, and Beth stepped aside to let her enter the apartment while she spoke, closing the door behind them. "I ran out at my place an' I don't really wanna go all the way to the store right now, but I promised he could have some after his nap. So I'd better deliver."

She moved to the fridge as she spoke, opening the door and reaching in to grab a small jug of juice from the shelf. Beth nodded and watched her as she closed the fridge again and made her way back toward the front door, juice in hand. But she stopped a few feet in front of Beth.

"That – all you needed?" Beth asked awkwardly, unsure of why the older woman was suddenly looking her up and down.

Carol nodded, but didn't move toward the door. Then she shrugged and said, "Wanted t'check on you, too. I know we talked at the park, but I just wanted t'make sure you're not… making any rash decisions. You know, it's still a – kind of, intermediate time for you. Between what you got away from, the pregnancy... Everything."

Beth's heart sped up a little and she looked down at her socks, fighting the urge to fiddle with the edge of the bandana around her wrist.

No beating around the bush today, she thought.

She knew what this was really about. She wasn't stupid. But she still couldn't tell if Carol genuinely cared about her, or if she just cared about how "Rosie" was going to affect Daryl and Mal. Would she actually bat an eye if Beth had a mental breakdown or tried to kill herself again? Or would she only be angry that "Rosie" would put Daryl through something like that?

She looked back up to Carol's eyes, trying to keep her face as stoic as possible. "Rash decisions? Like…"

Carol quirked an eyebrow and they shared a knowing look. Her voice came out a bit lower, quieter. "Daryl told me this morning. I know it could be a… good thing. For all three of you."

Beth's heart skipped. She didn't waiver under Carol's penetrating gaze, urging her softly, "But…?"

Carol pursed her lips briefly, then said, "But… I've already told you what I think. And you're an adult – you are your own person. So is Daryl. You'll both do what you feel is right, no matter what other people might say. I know that's especially true for Daryl… an' I'm starting t'see that you two have more in common than I originally thought."

Beth had to fight to hold back the smallest smile at the last sentence. Though she knew that 'stubborn' wasn't always the best thing to be. Not as a Greene, anyway. She wondered if the same had ever rang true for Dixon's.

She blinked and gave the slightest shrug. "It was his idea, honestly. I wasn't tryin' ta push him into anything, or make it more serious than he wanted it ta be. But… I think it is good. For all three of us."

Carol stared down into Beth's eyes and nodded lightly, lips pressed closely together again. Then she raised her eyebrows and asked, "And you guys talk? About where you're at mentally – both of you?"

Beth hesitated, studying Carol's face and nodding slowly. She paused and thought about her response, then answered, "Sometimes. I know that's – important, but why… does it matter?"

…To you? She finished silently. I still can't figure out if you're on my side or against me.

The older woman gave her a look that said she should already know. Then she said, "Because that's half of being in a relationship with someone. I know there's a lot of things you think you can't tell me – but that's not the case with him. You have to talk. Learn to be healthy together, to heal… And it's most important for you to learn how t'be yourself with someone else, without feeling the need to hide or suppress anything… Know what I mean?"

Beth pursed her lips and nodded, shrinking under Carol's gaze. The older woman had tried to lighten her voice a little towards the end, and Beth interpreted it as her signal that she didn't mean ill. But she also knew that Carol wasn't going to hide how she really felt, even if that feeling somehow offended anyone else. Beth tried to sound confident as she said, "I'm workin' on it."

Carol raised her eyebrows again but didn't seem completely satisfied with that answer. She shifted her weight, moving the jug of juice from one hand to the other as she glanced away from Beth's eyes briefly, her own eyes softening when their gazes met again. Then she said quietly, "He is, too, ya know. I don't think you realize how – little he talks to everyone. Like I've said before, he's an island of a man. He puts up a wall that keeps people from gettin' too close, but it also keeps him isolated. And he's gotten really good at putting on a happy mask… That's why – you might think I'm prying, but I know him. I know what he does, an' that's why I won't let him shut me out like he does with everyone else."

Beth nodded, watching Carol choose her words carefully as she spoke. She swallowed past a small knot in her throat and bit back any sort of retorts, stopping herself from growing defensive when there was no need for it. She knew the other woman was making valid points, yet she couldn't help but feel like she was listening to a broken record. She almost had the urge to roll her eyes. Did Carol really think she was so stupid, so childish or naïve, to not be aware of these things? As if she hadn't spent the last two-plus weeks talking with Daryl, getting to know him, learning his habits? She might not have known him as well as Carol yet, but he was already beginning to feel familiar to her, and she learned more about him every day. What kind of things did Carol think Beth would learn that she hadn't already assumed or figured out from context? Or did she think "Rosie" would hurt Daryl and cause him to retreat into himself in a way that she could never reach him again?

The annoyance Beth felt must've shown through on her face, or maybe she just wasn't as good at keeping a solemn and stoic expression as she'd thought.

"You can't use him as a crutch, emotional or otherwise," Carol said flatly, eyes boring into Beth's. "Maybe you don't realize what you're doing – you're still young, your perception of healthy relationships is skewed. But you can't use another human being as the bandage for your wounds. He's still wrapping himself up – he can't take on your emotional weight, too… He has a child, Rosie. That child will be hurt, too – "

"Okay, this isn't like you an' Ed," Beth interrupted, unable to hold back this time and feeling the need to defend herself. "I'm not gonna hurt them – I have no intention of doin' anything but being here for Daryl. And Mal. That was half a what we talked about. He told me I could leave – he gave me the chance ta cut things off. But I don't want to. They mean a lot to me, an' I'll do whatever I can ta stay with them. And keep them safe, jus' like Daryl keeps me safe."

Carol blinked, appearing a bit taken aback by Beth's defensive response. But she didn't appear angry, or completely unconvinced. Though she didn't appear completely convinced either. She quirked an eyebrow and said, "Me an' Ed's relationship was – a completely different story. I understand, you think this is how you'll always feel about him, but when things start t'get serious – "

Beth felt a little anger flaring up inside her, almost feeling like she was sitting in that chair in her daddy's study again, listening to him and Maggie lecture her. She tried to push it back down, but she didn't stop herself from interrupting again. "Okay, but it had a pretty… big effect on Sophia. An' you guys are still healing from it. And how long ago was that? …I've only been out for three weeks. I'm still… figurin' out what it means to be my own person. Don't try ta lecture me on choosin' ta be my own person at the right times – I know, okay? I… You know Daryl. If he thought I was usin' him as a crutch, he'd say somethin'. He'd call me out on it."

Carol frowned briefly and sighed so quietly that Beth almost didn't hear it. Then she said, "How would he know when he's just as blinded by infatuation as you are?"

Beth's heart skipped and she had to make a conscious effort to keep her mouth shut, preventing her jaw from dropping. Is that what Carol thought this was? Infatuation?

Then again, who was Beth to argue? It could be. She didn't know the first thing about love, outside of familial. Jimmy had fucked up her entire perception by the end of their shit-storm relationship. Maybe she didn't actually have the first idea about recognizing a good guy when she saw him… maybe she was actually turning into the next Jimmy, luring Daryl into her trap just to swallow him up and spit him out as nothing more than the shell of a former person. Or maybe she'd picked up all the wrong habits from Daddy, and it had completely warped her perception of love and compassion and what it really means to be safe and to sacrifice for the benefit of another.

Or maybe Carol was just assuming that she knew both Daryl and Beth better than she really did.

Beth licked her lips, arms hanging loosely at her sides while one hand picked at a thread on her pants as she stared up into Carol's piercing blue gaze. She lowered her defenses, and her voice, just a bit and said, "I don't… think it's infatuation. And we're not blinded. We know what we're gettin' into."

Carol quirked an eyebrow again, and Beth wasn't sure if she was trying to appear intimidating or if it just came naturally to her. Then she said, "So you've talked about what might happen if… it doesn't work out?"

Beth nodded. "Yeah. Definitely."

She recalled the multiple times Daryl had voiced his prediction that they'd get sick of each other, and though she couldn't actually see it happening, she wasn't about to discredit it. They'd both agreed that they could part ways eventually, if things didn't turn out how they intended. She wished Carol would stop treating them like a couple of teenagers in high school. She could already imagine how angry Daryl would be if he could hear the things Carol was saying. But Beth didn't want to get him involved when she knew this was between her and Carol – though she couldn't blame Carol. The woman cared about Daryl and Mal, she was only looking out for them, trying to prevent any unnecessary hurt. Beth wouldn't discredit that, either.

Carol scratched her forehead and looked down at the floor thoughtfully for a second, then met Beth's eyes again and said, "Right… I understand this is a kind of – therapy for both of you. I think Daryl's probably opened up to you more in two weeks than I could ever get him to open up to me, or anyone else. An' that's fine – it's still good for him. I just… I worry. I wanna make sure neither of you are putting your mental states at risk. There's… a lot ta be considered here."

A lot more than you could ever know, Beth thought. She nodded and chewed on the inside of her cheek.

After a long pause, Carol continued softly, "The thing about that wall that Daryl puts up… it keeps him safe. And I know he makes you feel safe, but you're gonna have to remember that, at the end of the day… it's about him and Malachi. No one else. He'll push you off that wall just as quickly as he'd push me, or Rosita, or whoever else. If it meant protecting himself and his son… he wouldn't give it a second thought."

Beth swallowed hard, watching the shadow of some emotion she couldn't quite pinpoint appear in Carol's intense, blue gaze. A heaviness formed in her gut and she wasn't sure why. What was Carol trying to tell her? What did she expect Beth to say?

It seemed as though Carol were giving Beth brief chances to speak. The older woman's voice grew quieter, still soft, as she paused to lick her lips before going on. "I've… done things. That I'm not proud of. I'm sure the same goes for Daryl, even if he doesn't talk about the gory details. And… I'm sure you have, too. I know what it takes, sometimes, to escape… To survive. It's not pretty."

Beth narrowed her eyes but continued chewing on her cheek, tasting coppery blood on her tongue as she listened intently.

"And there are some things that… you can never talk about," Carol said, and her voice was barely louder than a whisper by now. Beth glanced down, just for a split-second, at the older woman's hand and saw that her knuckles were white from clutching the jug of juice so tightly as she spoke. "But then there are some things that… will catch up with you. You might think they're so awful that no one will ever understand… Let me tell you, that's not true."

Beth's heart was hammering against the inside of her chest. But she refused to break eye contact, refused to shrink any smaller under Carol's intimidating aura.

I'm misinterpreting things, she told herself. She doesn't know. She can't.

Carol paused again, studying Beth's face, but she didn't seem to be getting the response she was hoping for. Her voice remained soft and quiet when she spoke again, "I know it feels like you can't trust anyone with the truth because you were taught not to give anyone anything that could be used against you – or used t'hurt you."

"Deny, deny, deny," Maggie's voice was repeating at the back of Beth's head.

"What makes you think that?" Beth's voice came out a bit hoarse but she didn't look away from Carol as she said it.

Carol raised her eyebrows and gave Beth a quick once-over with her eyes, then said, "Because that's what I was taught, too. So was Daryl. It's one of those vital pieces in each of our walls. It's easy to spot once you recognize it."

Beth bit down on her lower lip and finally looked down at her socks, unable to return Carol's penetrating gaze at the moment.

"But Daryl is not the person to hide that from," Carol continued, voice softening again. "And the longer you wait… the worse it will be. He can understand wanting t'be careful. But he'll only see that you never fully trusted him… He's the kind of person who needs t'know that they had their own choice, and that they made it themselves – or else he'll walk away, because he'll decide that he was never given a choice. You made it for him. And he'll never forgive you for that... It's part of the life he's worked so hard to leave behind."

Beth pushed past the heaviness in her gut and the growing knot in her throat, lifting her head and meeting Carol's eyes again. She spoke quietly, as well, but her voice didn't come out nearly as soft. "What exactly d'you think I'm hiding? You seem awfully sure that I'm lyin' about somethin'… real bad. An' I'd love t'know what you think I mighta been capable of, besides runnin' for my life from a sociopath."

Carol quirked her eyebrow again and it made Beth's stomach turn with anxiety. Then she said, "I don't think you did anything. I'm not accusing you, and I don't think you have a natural tendency towards lying or – being deceitful at all, really. You're not that good at it, for the most part, so that makes me think you've been sheltered a lot longer than you should've been."

Beth bit back a retort. She couldn't say the other woman was completely wrong. Then again, how many of Beth's lies had she believed so far…?

"But you're also used to living in the background," Carol continued. "And you're not in the background anymore, sweetie... Your choices, your actions, everything you say out here – it matters. And people are… more understanding than I think you realize. Or maybe you were just taught that nobody can be trusted, no exceptions... I get it – I was brainwashed like that fer a while, too. It keeps you more submissive, easier ta push around, easier ta keep any outsiders from interfering 'cause – well, you do all the work for 'em just by pushin' people away, isolating yourself. They don't even have ta worry about other people finding out the truth, getting inside… helping you. Because no one knows."

Beth's breath hitched in her throat and she tried not to let the words linger inside her head. But they'd already gotten in, already penetrated.

Brainwashed? She thought, mind racing with flashes of the farm, of Jimmy – of Daddy and Maggie. There has never been outsiders… always just us. But… brainwashed? Jimmy was the abuser. He was the only abuser I ever allowed in my life, and the drugs made him that way… Right?

A scoff escaped her lips and she wasn't sure where it had come from. Carol's face became the slightest bit quizzical as she stood and watched Beth, waiting for a response. And Beth muttered, "Brainwashed…?"

She shook her head and couldn't stop her lips from smirking, as if it were a joke.

Carol appeared concerned, but it faded quickly and she replied, "I know that sounds like a melodramatic word, but it's true. How else would you describe what they did to your head? They taught you t'blame yourself and take on all the guilt, while still holding onto all the important information and remaining loyal… They make us into nothing more than dogs. Don't you wanna break away from that?"

What's that old saying? 'The truth will set you free'? Beth thought. She shook her head, scolding herself for thinking of such a cliché at a time like this.

"I was never anybody's dog," she said, clearing her throat before going on. "You got no idea what you're talkin' about. What I've told you… it was a small part. There were reasons, there was a time when things weren't bad – "

"Can you even remember the person you were back then, though?" Carol interrupted. "Can you remember a time when you didn't feel the need to lie and make up excuses? …Can you even remember the last time you were truly happy, even when things weren't 'bad'?"

Beth pursed her lips and glanced away, conjuring up memories of sitting with Jimmy in the back of his pickup. She tried to recall the person she'd been back then, and even she wasn't happy, clinging so hopelessly to the one person she thought could save her. No… things weren't even that good then, either. Farther back… before Jimmy, before Momma and Shawn died (obviously), before… before what? How far back was she going? Was she really happy when she was riding Princess around the farm, heart skipping a beat every time she caught a whiff of animal shit? Was she really happy when Momma wouldn't allow her to have friends over on the weekends, or when Daddy told her that twelve was "too old" to be going to friends' houses for sleepovers? How happy could she have been if she'd never even thought to open her eyes and look around at how utterly fucking alone she actually was?

After a long moment of silence, Carol raised her eyebrows and watched Beth with a gaze that said she finally got the reaction she'd been looking for. Though Beth tried, she couldn't mask the introspective expression that was evident on her face. She didn't nod or shake her head, looking back up to meet Carol's eyes again and swallowing down a few lies that wanted to escape her mouth in a mechanical response. She knew better than that now – Carol could see right through it. She wasn't sure what this woman knew exactly, but she could tell that she wasn't fooled by any of the fronts Beth had been putting up.

"It takes a while to figure out how to shut off the old, defensive habits," Carol said quietly. "It's hard to reclaim yourself after you let yourself get lost for so long, or you just… never knew who you really were to begin with. I think your identity has probably been formed around all the traumas you've experienced – and you need to learn who you are outside of that trauma, outside of all those experiences... But you don't have t'do it alone. Don't bring those old things into your new life. You can be a new person without being a different person… You can be better. And… all I'm saying is – some things can be forgiven. If there's honesty… and remorse. But most importantly: honesty."

Beth blinked, still pushing away thoughts of Jimmy and the farm. Now she could think of nothing but Daryl's face, and Malachi's. She thought of the way Tobin had looked at her, and for a second, she wondered if this conversation had anything to do with that. But if Carol knew… why didn't she just say something? Why would she dance around it like this? What was she afraid would happen? She already had the upper-hand.

Or maybe she was trying to push Beth into admitting it herself. Which she never would. Not here. Not now.

"I don't… know what you think I'm lyin' about," Beth said, her voice sounding weaker than she felt. "But I would never drag Daryl and Mal inta that – I'd never do anything ta hurt them."

Without missing a beat, Carol said, "For as little as I know about you – I believe you… But I also believe that you can't see what kind of repercussions your actions will have. I know your intentions are good, but… they're not good enough."

Beth furrowed her brow, her pulse and mind still racing. That word was still floating around in her head… brainwashed. Brainwashed. Brainwashed.

"I'll tell him the truth," she blurted out, her mouth moving on its own accord as she stared up at Carol. "I'll tell him… everything. I just need time."

Carol glanced her up and down once again, appearing to be assessing whether this was another attempt at a lie. But she couldn't seem to find the telltale factors she was looking for.

Because there were none. Beth wasn't lying, she wasn't wasting the energy on it. Her heart thumped hard and her stomach was turning, a deep fear embedding itself inside her as she silently wondered if this woman would go home and call the police, or if she was just waiting for the right moment to reveal how much she really knew. Either way, it scared Beth – terrified her. But she couldn't run. Not now. She refused.

As the older woman returned her gaze, Beth watched her expression soften and her blue eyes grow weary. Something that Beth couldn't explain told her that Carol didn't mean her any harm, and that she was someone Beth could trust. At least for now.

"If you wait too long," Carol said quietly. "He won't wanna listen. There'll be too much that you won't be able to explain… I'm trying t'tell you that not everyone is against you in the world, like you've been tricked into thinking. There are some people that – you can let that disguise come down. Even if it's just a little bit."

Not true, Beth thought reflexively. Not true at all. Every single person I trust is a liability. Realistically, I shouldn't even still be here, letting you or Daryl get anywhere near this close when I still have so long to wait for Jesus to get me out of the country… Yet here we are.

She swallowed hard, her mouth dry. "So, what – are you gonna hold this over my head now? You gonna threaten t'tell him if I don't?"

Carol furrowed her brow, a bit taken aback at Beth's abrasive response. But she didn't waiver as she replied, "No. It's not my place – plus, I don't think I'll have to. Daryl's a smart guy, and he's much more observant than anyone realizes. I'd recommend you tell him – at least something – before things get… too serious."

Beth looked away and pushed down the tears that threatened to force their way up. She cleared her throat and mumbled, "Got it… Anything else you wanted t'lecture me on while yer here?"

She couldn't bring herself to look up and meet Carol's eyes, hands nearly trembling at her sides. But she could hear the other woman sigh softly.

"Rosie, I'm just trying to help," Carol muttered. "Your life doesn't have t'be the one that other people planned out for you – just like it doesn't have t'be the life that happened to you because of their mistakes. You can find your own happiness… But you won't find it by continuing the cycle of distrust and deception."

Beth was smirking but she had no idea why. It had become like a defense mechanism to hide how terrified she actually was.

The only thing in her head now was Daryl, and Mal. She tried to imagine how Daryl would react if she told him the truth – but she'd been over this scenario a million times in her head. And all it ever brought her was pain and more dread. There wasn't a single scenario where he understood, or forgave her, like Carol seemed to think he might. And as selfish as she knew it was… she didn't want to risk losing the boys. It was her tiny island of happiness amongst a sea of misery. She couldn't bear to bring herself to see the look of disappointment that would be on Daryl's face, knowing she was the one to cause it.

But you have to tell him eventually, Beth's logical side reminded her. Carol's right. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. You really think he won't, at any point in time, be disappointed to find out that your name isn't Rosaline Wilson – not even close?

She ignored the tiny voice and glanced back up to meet Carol's eyes, finding the older woman to be studying her again, a thoughtful expression on her face.

"I don't have much of a choice, do I?" Beth's voice came out weak and a bit choked from the tears she was holding back that were pooling in her eyes.

Carol's face grew sympathetic and she said softly, "You do, though. And your choices show who you really are – even the ones you don't realize you're making… There's something bright inside you, Rosie, but all that fear and hurt is covering it really well."

Beth blinked away tears that were threatening to roll down her cheeks. She sniffled and swiped a hand across her nose, then spoke with a firmer tone. "I didn't ask for this. It just – happened. Any kind of relationship or romance or anything – that kinda shit wasn't even close to being on my mind. I wasn't looking for it – wasn't even thinkin' about it, honestly. But…"

"But shit happens," Carol finished after her voice trailed off. "I know. And most good things seem to come to us when we aren't ready for them… The best thing you can do is get ready. What better reason to start flushing your life of all those bad habits and toxic behaviors?"

Beth nodded, but she was only half-absorbing Carol's words. She remained silent, head full of questions and doubts and fears. When Carol finally realized that Beth wasn't going to speak, she glanced down at the juice in her hand and sighed.

"I'm always right across the hall," she said quietly, meeting Beth's eyes and staring into them meaningfully. "And I think I've made it… pretty clear that I only wanna help."

Beth nodded again and Carol accepted it as an answer, turning and heading for the door.

As she watched Carol open the door and move to step into the hallway, Beth gave in to the sudden urge to blurt out a question that had been weighing heavily on her mind for days.

"What if he ends up hatin' me?"

Carol stopped and turned around, hand still on the doorknob, and gave Beth a knowing, almost pitying, smile. It reminded her of the way her momma used to look at her sometimes, like when she'd ask if Daddy could check inside the closet for monsters just one more time before they shut off the lights at bedtime.

"Then you move on," Carol said softly.

Beth bit down on her lower lip, thinking to herself, Move on to what?

By the time Daryl walked through the door of apartment 3A that evening, Beth had busied her hands in an effort to quiet her mind and cleaned the entire bathroom, as well as the kitchen, and what little dust was settled atop the living room surfaces. Then she'd tried to focus on her Bible, but that didn't help anything, so she'd moved to a regular book. But her mind kept wandering away from the pages and she'd have to reread entire paragraphs over and over before finally giving up and moving to her guitar. So when she heard the sound of the front door unlocking and opening, she stopped playing and set the guitar aside, standing up from the bed. But before she could get to the bedroom doorway, Daryl was appearing from around the bar, approaching the door to her room.

Beth stopped in her tracks and stared as Daryl stepped into her bedroom, a smirk on his face. But she wasn't staring at him – she was staring at the flowers he was holding. She couldn't hold back the bewildered expression that appeared on her face.

He held them out to her, briefly glancing at the guitar sitting behind her. "Didn't stop playin' 'cause a me, did ya?"

She smiled and reached her hands out, carefully taking the bouquet from him. "Wha – what is this?"

He shrugged nonchalantly, chewing on the tip of his thumb nervously as he watched her.

Beth held the flowers before her, admiring the arrangement of bright yellow sunflowers and dark red roses, wrapped up in a paper sleeve slipped inside a plastic sleeve. She held them up to her nose and inhaled deeply, breathing in the fragrant, earthy mixture of smells. There was a smile on her lips that wouldn't go away. This was definitely one of the last things she'd ever expected of Daryl Dixon. It felt almost surreal – like something that she'd always read about but never really experienced. Her heart was doing somersaults.

"You said sunflowers were yer favorite, right?" He rumbled.

She nodded and looked up to meet his dark blue eyes, his smile a bit sheepish. She said, "Yeah – they're beautiful… Thank you."

He remembered that? She thought, still feeling slightly bewildered.

He nodded and stroked his chin hair for a brief moment. Beth could see his shoulders tensing, then he said, "Wanted ta – well, figured the flowers might make it a li'l more… I'ono, 'romantic', I guess. I wanted ta do somethin' proper since it ain't really been, ya know, like a normal relationship. An' you deserve flowers an' fancy dinners an' shit like that… So d'you wanna go out on a real date on Thursday night?"

He watched her expectantly, studying her face and waiting for a reaction. She continued smiling and nodded, heart leaping as her face grew warm. His shoulders relaxed and his mouth formed a relieved half-smile.

"A real date?" She asked.

He nodded. "Yeah – ya know, like dinner an' a movie or somethin'. But maybe somethin' cooler than that. It is New York, there's lotsa stuff we could do."

Beth's smile grew bigger and she said, "That sounds… really, really nice."

He smirked and leaned in closer, snaking an arm around her waist and pulling her in to him. She held the flowers at her side and leaned in as well, wrapping her free arm around his middle. Their lips met in a soft kiss that quickly grew deeper, the smell of leather and cigarettes and engine grease filling Beth's nose. For the first time in hours, her pulse was steady and her stomach wasn't churning wildly. When their mouths broke apart and they opened their eyes to gaze at each other again, Beth smiled coyly up at him and watched his cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

"Brought some takeout fer supper," he muttered, struggling not to look at her lips and gesturing with his head toward the bar in the living room.

"Aw, thanks," she smiled, then glanced over his shoulder quizzically. "Where's Mal?"

"Asked Carol ta watch 'im a couple minutes longer so I could come ask ya out without any interruption," Daryl explained, arm tightening around her waist. "She said she'd keep him Thursday night, too…"

Beth smirked at this and leaned in to plant another quick kiss on Daryl's lips. Then she pulled back and looked up at him again. "Well, go get him – you gotta get washed up before we eat."

to be continued…