you're the echoes of my everything
The ride home felt much shorter than the ride to C Block. Before Beth knew it, they were pulling into Daryl's usual parking spot in front of the apartment building and shutting off the bike, the lack of engine noise nearly deafening to Beth's ears. She adjusted quickly and they climbed off the bike, pulling off their helmets. She stood back and waited while Daryl pulled out the tarp and covered the bike, and when he stepped up onto the sidewalk, she reached her hand out and waited for him to take it. She had her helmet tucked beneath her other arm, as did he, and he smirked as he looked down at her outstretched hand, quickly taking it with his free hand and pulling her in to snake his arm around her waist. She giggled as he pushed his body into hers, half-forcefully guiding her across the sidewalk until her back was bumping into the cold, brick front of the apartment building.
Daryl made a soft growl in his throat and smirked as he stood up against her, pushing her against the hard bricks, his free arm still around her waist while he smirked and leaned down to kiss her hungrily. The taste of booze was mostly gone from his mouth, replaced with cigarettes and whatever soda he'd been drinking when his water had run out.
Beth closed her eyes and kissed him back, smiling against his lips as she suppressed more giggles at his playful flirting and how ornery an evening at the bar had made him. She was beginning to wonder if she was imagining things or if Daryl was actually seeming a little happier every day. Either way, she assured herself that it likely had very little to do with her, but she was still glad to see it.
When he pulled back and they both opened their eyes, he gazed down at her wistfully, eyelids heavy from a long night. He rumbled, "Can't stop thinkin' about how you looked when you was halfway ta snappin' Len's arm."
She giggled and reached a hand up to flirtatiously trace her fingernails across the stubble on his jawline, her eyebrows raised as she gazed up into his eyes. "Oh yeah?"
He grunted and smirked. "Yeah. Knew ya had it in ya, but I never expected ya t'look so… damn good while you were doin' it."
Beth laughed aloud at this, and Daryl chuckled softly with her, leaning down to capture her lips in a kiss again. He pressed his mouth harder against hers at the same time as his body, and she groaned softly from her throat before they broke apart.
She smirked at him and licked her lips, then reached down and grabbed his hand, gently pushing her body into his and urging him away from the wall. "C'mon – let's go inside. I wanna get outta these pants."
She heard Daryl growl quietly and then she felt him pull his hand back so he could gently pinch her ass. She giggled, jumping a bit as his voice rumbled from close behind her, "Don't say that, you'll have me sprintin' up the stairs. An' you an' I both know I'm too old fer that shit."
She laughed and grabbed his hand again as they entered the lobby of the apartment building and quickly headed to the stairs together. "Stop sayin' that – you're not old."
Daryl grunted as they began to climb the stairs. "Less'an twenty years between me an' Joe, an' you called him 'old man.'"
Beth shot him a look, still half-smiling, and saw that he was, too. "That's 'cause he looks like shit. Did you see him? That guy does not take care of himself."
Daryl let out a hearty laugh and Beth turned her head back to look at the stairs as she climbed them, stomach fluttering and cheeks warming up. She added, "Besides, I only called him that 'cause it was the first thing I could think of. Would've rather called him like, a – a twat waffle or somethin'."
Daryl laughed even louder at this, looking at Beth with an amused grin. "How 'bout a cunt monkey?"
Beth giggled and exchanged a smile with him as they continued climbing the stairs. "Did you jus' make that up? I've actually heard twat waffle before, but not cunt monkey."
Daryl scoffed. "I don't believe that. I'm sure somebody's used it before." And they laughed together.
The hallway to apartments 3A and 3B felt quieter and more empty than usual. Or maybe it was just because Beth knew that apartment 3B was empty, and she and Daryl were the only ones on the third floor for the night. The inside of apartment 3A was exactly as they'd left it six hours prior. As soon as their helmets were put away and their jackets and shoes were stripped off, Beth went to the window in the living room and opened it to let in the cool, night breeze. The city was alit and alive with Saturday night activities below, but everyone and everything else felt distant for the time being. Once again, it was just Beth and Daryl in the quiet, dimly lit, little apartment.
It took Daryl about forty-five seconds to strip off his clothes and change into pajama pants and a wifebeater. By the time Beth was heading into her bedroom to change, he was stepping into the kitchen and opening the fridge.
"Want somethin' ta eat? I'm pretty hungry," he offered.
She paused in her doorway and glanced back. "Yeah, I'll have whatever you're havin'."
Beth listened to the sounds of Daryl making food in the kitchen while she changed into pajamas behind her half-open bedroom door. When she emerged, she padded barefoot into the kitchen and peeked around Daryl's shoulder to see him cooking macaroni and cheese. He glanced down at her with a sleepy half-smile.
"So, ya had fun?" He asked.
She nodded and leaned back against the edge of the counter, watching him cook. "Yeah, did you?"
He grunted. "I always have fun. 'Specially with those two – they're Mal's godparents, ya know."
Beth raised her eyebrows. "Oh, really? Well – yeah, that seems fitting. I think you picked a good couple."
He smiled sheepishly at her, then turned back to pick up the pot of noodles and move to begin draining them into the sink. Beth stayed out of the way, watching him. She was getting hungrier by the second and a slight thumping in her head told her that the alcohol was wearing off. But her desire to talk – or maybe just to hear Daryl's voice – hadn't receded.
"I'm excited t'go camping," she said cheerfully.
He nodded, carefully pouring the noodles into the colander as steam rose up from the sink and into his face. Then he poured the noodles back into the pot. "Me, too. Might be gettin' cold up there this time a year, though. Better pack warm."
Beth smiled as she watched him, his back to her, moving from the sink back to the stove. "What about at night? You wanna share a sleeping bag?"
Daryl grunted and she could see his neck turning a little pink from where she stood. He mumbled, "Maybe. Behave yerself, we'll be sharin' a tent with the kid."
She giggled and he glanced over his shoulder to flash her a playful smirk.
They joked and flirted a little more, making half-serious plans for the camping trip while Daryl finished preparing the mac and cheese, portioning it out into two bowls. They sat down to the table together and began eating, and within seconds, they'd both grown silent and completely focused on their food. Daryl cleaned his bowl about a minute before Beth finished her own, and they both heaved satisfied sighs.
And then, with no more than a couple head nods towards the bedroom and a few meaningful looks and smiles, Beth and Daryl wordlessly cleaned up their dishes and retreated into her bedroom, leaving the rest of the apartment dark and quiet behind them. They shut the door tightly, making sure to lock it, before shutting off the lights and stripping down to their underwear. Then they crawled into bed together, slipping beneath the blankets and reflexively wrapping up with one another, limbs intertwining and body heats merging. Daryl hummed contentedly, arms wrapped around Beth and holding her close against him. She relaxed into him and smiled to herself without really realizing it.
They lay together, in the dark and the quiet, for a long moment. But Beth could feel that Daryl wasn't falling asleep, and her mind was still buzzing from the excitement of the night.
"I really did have fun," she said quietly. "And I think Dwight an' Sherry are really nice… They care a lot about you. They seem like family."
Daryl grunted weakly and mumbled, "They are… I'm glad ya had fun. Glad ya like 'em. They like you, too. But I already knew they would – ain't no way anybody couldn't like ya."
Beth smiled to herself again and nestled into his arms just a little closer.
If only he knew the truth, that familiar voice piped up at the back of Beth's head. She used all her strength to push it away. Not tonight, she thought. Just not tonight.
She swallowed back her fears and tried to focus on Daryl's warmth enveloping her. She felt his chin hair tickling her neck as he leaned down to plant a soft trail of kisses along the edge of her jaw. She hummed quietly, and then he rested his chin in the crook of her neck and she felt his rough, stubbly cheek against hers.
With more words still echoing in her head from earlier, she let the silence settle between them before asking tentatively, "What was Joe talkin' about tonight? When he said that thing about an outdoor cat thinkin' he's an indoor cat – was that s'posed t'be some kinda metaphor or somethin'?"
She felt Daryl grunt against her back, then he mumbled next to her ear, "Somethin' like that. He jus' thinks he knows me, likes ta talk shit an' try ta rile me up. Gets his kicks outta pushin' people to their limits… But he don't know me. So it doesn't actually bother me."
Beth hmmed thoughtfully and relaxed into him a little more. She had a feeling there were some small details he was purposely omitting.
Sure seemed like it bothered you, she thought, remembering how Daryl's jaw had clenched at Joe's words, a vein in his neck becoming prominent even from where she stood. He'd been ready to hit Joe, and he probably would have if Dwight hadn't stopped him. Maybe you don't like to be reminded of your past just as much as I don't… Another thing we have in common.
He squeezed her in reassurance and planted another kiss on the edge of her jaw.
"That stuff you an' Dwight were talkin' about earlier," she said quietly, the real question that had been pecking at her brain for the last couple of hours finally forming itself into words. "'Bout – back home. Are you… worried?"
She felt him tense up briefly but then he quickly relaxed. She regretted asking for a second, fully aware that she was risking bringing up the news about the bust and her own family. But she had to know how deep of a connection she was dealing with, and how worried – or prepared – she should be. Especially if she was going to eventually tell Daryl the truth about her own family… about everything.
"Worried 'bout my brother?" He mumbled quietly, and she felt his voice vibrating in his chest from where he was pressed against her back.
She nodded against the pillow, their cheeks rubbing briefly. "I mean – I know you prob'ly don't wanna think about that, but you jus'… seemed concerned. When Dwight brought it up."
He grunted half-heartedly and his voice was husky, sleepy. "Ain't really worried 'bout him bein' in prison or nothin' so much as I'm worried who he might be hurtin'… I'ono, that guy deserved havin' his throat opened up, but… sounds a helluva lot like somethin' Merle would do. Fer a lotta reasons. Jus' can't decide which one's most likely."
Beth furrowed her brow and shut her eyes, still trying to rack her brain and figure out why that name sounded so familiar. But her memory was shot right now. Her mind was exhausted and drained from the night, and all the alcohol. And the pasta in her stomach was beginning to make her sleepy.
She waited a long moment, then whispered hesitantly, "You think… he'd kill somebody?"
"Definitely," Daryl mumbled, a hint of sadness in his voice. "He can justify a lotta things to himself… Honestly, if he was the one that killed that guy, then I dunno why he waited so long. Jus'… don't make much sense to me right now. I'ono."
Beth could tell from the tone of his last few words that Daryl was done talking about it, and she made a soft hmm in her throat before snuggling into him closer. She felt him relax against her a couple seconds later, and then his breathing was growing steady and his grasp around her was becoming more lax.
But she was still thinking. Wondering to herself if Daryl's brother was someone she needed to be worried about. Nevermind the weird recognition of his name, but what if that murder meant he was leaving Georgia? What if he got a wild hair up his ass and decided to track down his little brother? Would Beth be in trouble? Would Daryl be in danger? Even worse, what if Daryl's brother ended up dead, as well, and Daryl had to go back to Georgia to take care of it? There were so many terrifying possibilities that came with any news about Merle Dixon.
And then she thought to herself how odd Daryl's reaction was – how he seemed so indifferent to the idea of his brother murdering someone. Was it indifference? Maybe it was more like familiarity, fading quickly into desensitization. Maybe Daryl was just used to hearing things like that. Maybe Merle was just a far worse person than Beth could've ever imagined.
Or maybe, she thought to herself, he could understand the kinda things you do in the moment, when you think it's the only choice you have…
She fell into a fitful sleep soon after, nestled snugly in Daryl's arms beneath the blankets, and her dreams were nothing but flashes of the farm interspersed with small flashes of the church. And a man's strange voice off in the distance that sounded so familiar yet so foreign at the same time.
When Beth awoke on Sunday morning, the first thing she noticed was the lack of Daryl's presence in her bed. The next thing she noticed was the smell of coffee quickly filling her nostrils, and then the suspicious silence of the apartment. There was no toddler voice talking too loudly every few seconds, or cartoon sounds coming from the living room. And finally, she opened her eyes and noticed that her bedroom door was half-open. She glanced at the clock and blinked the sleepy haze from her vision to see that it was a quarter past eight.
She sat up and rubbed her eyes, running a hand through her short hair – which seemed to get wavier every time she washed it and didn't use a blow dryer or flatiron. She reached over and grabbed the half-full water bottle sitting on her nightstand, chugging the remainder down in three long gulps. But before she could gather the energy to pull the covers away and get out of bed, Daryl was walking in, two steaming mugs in his hands. He half-smiled when he saw that she was awake and held out one of the mugs in offering.
"Mornin'," he rumbled.
She smiled, gazing up at him and suddenly forgetting about the dull throbbing in her forehead and her extremely dry mouth, and reached out to carefully take the mug from him. "Morning," she replied, blowing on the hot coffee before taking a tentative sip. The mug was almost too hot for her hands.
"How'd ya sleep?" Daryl asked, sitting down on the bed beside her and sipping from his own mug of coffee.
Beth shrugged, smile fading as she lied, "Good. You?"
He furrowed his brow and said, "Didn't seem like ya slept good. Kept tossin' an' turnin', kickin' the hell outta me. You havin' dreams about kickin' Len's ass some more?"
She smirked and let out a chuckle. "No – I dunno. I don't remember what I dreamt about, I just know it wasn't fun."
"'S alright," he rumbled. "'Least we got a couple more hours till the boy gets home. But I'm up now... Can't really sleep later'an about eight anymore."
"So, maybe we can just… hang out?" She suggested with a crooked half-smile.
He smiled back and took another sip of his coffee. "Yeah. Hang out."
She giggled and playfully tapped his leg. "Why d'you say it like that? Don't be weird."
He laughed and shook his head, raising the mug to his lips to hide his bashful smile with another swig of coffee.
"So what d'you wanna do today?" Beth asked, yawning between words. "When Mal gets home, I mean."
Daryl shrugged. "We'll see how wound up he still is. Might actually be tired fer once after such an eventful night. Why – you got somethin' in mind?"
She shook her head, giving him a sleepy half-smile. "Not particularly, but maybe we can take him to the park before supper. If you both have the energy."
He snickered quietly and nodded. "Bet he'll love that idea."
They sat together on the bed, legs stretched out next to each other as they sipped coffee and talked, joking and laughing, basking in their lazy Sunday morning and the peace in the apartment. And after a trip to the bathroom (and thoroughly brushing her teeth), Beth found herself scooting closer and closer until she was wrapped up in Daryl again, their half-empty mugs sitting on the nightstand. The bedroom was filled with quiet whispers, breathy giggling, and the sounds of wet kisses.
After a solid hour of rolling around together in bed, Daryl got up and ran a hand through his messy hair before heading off to the bathroom. While he was gone, Beth took a long swig of coffee and grabbed her guitar from where it sat in the corner. And when Daryl returned, she was lying on her back on the bed, guitar resting atop her tummy while she leisurely adjusted the tuning and plucked strings.
When he paused inside the doorway, Beth looked up to see Daryl smirking as he gazed at her, and she scooted over and patted the empty spot next to her on the bed. He quickly reclaimed his place and drained the last of his coffee, then laid back and put his hands behind his head while Beth resumed plucking at her guitar strings. She peeked over at him in her peripherals and saw his eyes drifting shut, a look of relaxation on his face. Without much thought or effort, she placed her fingers over the frets and began lazily playing the first thing that came to mind. She saw his foot moving along with the music, and then she opened her mouth and sang quietly, the words falling from her lips softly and effortlessly.
"Hey, don't write yourself off yet, it's only in your head. You feel left out, and looked down on. Just do your best, do everything you can…"
She smiled to herself as she quietly sang and played, the music filling her small bedroom, as well as her body. Daryl seemed to be getting into the song, wiggling his foot more vigorously with the music. A faint smirk played across his mouth as he laid back and listened, eyes still closed. When the song ended, he turned his head and opened his eyes to gaze at her. But he didn't open his mouth or speak, and she smiled back sheepishly.
Then she began playing a different song, still gazing back at him. His eyes were unfocused and he still looked tired – or maybe he was just lost in thought. She couldn't quite tell if he was gazing at her or past her, until she strummed through the intro of her next song and his smirk grew a little bigger. She felt her cheeks getting warm for some reason. And then the words were playing in her head from an old memory, and she was opening her mouth to let them flow out freely. Something about singing openly made her feel… relieved. In a way. Either that, or it was the dreamy look in Daryl's blue eyes. She wasn't quite sure which, at the moment.
"…Do you feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me? A kind of macabre and somber Wondertwin kind of harmony? What if it was you? You that I needed a-all along..."
The warmth in her cheeks faded away and she smirked back at him as she sang, her voice growing softer as she continued to strum the guitar, faint vibrations echoing through her body. At one point, she saw him vaguely arch an eyebrow at her and she had to glance away for a moment, smiling bashfully through the words. What was that look in his eyes? Admiration? Or something more? She couldn't tell, but her stomach fluttered at the thought.
"…They say that what doesn't kill us, makes us who we are… All this time and everything's changed, but I still feel the same. All good things eventually end and get washed down the drain…"
A couple minutes later, she let her voice fade out and dramatically plucked the last few notes of the song, then giggled to herself. Her eyelids drifted shut for a moment while she was still smiling without realizing it, and then she heard Daryl's low voice from beside her.
"Like havin' my own personal entertainer all the time," he mumbled, chuckling softly.
Beth laughed and turned her head to gaze over at him, and without a word, she started lazily strumming the opening notes to another song. His smile grew wider for a brief moment and he began wiggling his foot along with the music again.
Carol showed up with Malachi about an hour-and-a-half later. The toddler was bursting with excitement, new stories, and all kinds of facts about bugs, happily carrying a fluffy, pink caterpillar. He seemed happy to be home, and especially to see his dad and "Rosie" again. After Mal gave Carol a long and grateful hug, Daryl instructed him to go put his things away in the bedroom and play quietly while the adults talked, and he quickly obeyed. Beth sat nearby at the small dining table, sipping a warm cup of coffee with Daryl's half-empty cup sitting across from her. Daryl invited Carol inside and offered her some coffee, which she accepted with a smile.
"He behave 'imself?" Daryl asked as Carol took a long sip from her steaming mug.
She nodded and lowered the mug, cupping it between her hands while glancing between Daryl and Beth as she talked. "He was an angel – for the most part. He threw a little fit when the guides wanted him to spend a couple minutes seeing the other rooms, but we got through it. An' he slept like a rock – he was up well past his bedtime, so you shouldn't have any trouble getting him down for a nap later. He literally spent so much time in that bug room that he started teaching the other kids about the exhibit."
Daryl chuckled and nodded, beaming proudly. "Boy loves his damn insects. Thanks again fer takin' him."
Carol smiled, casually walking over to the small dining table while Daryl followed. Beth sat up a little straighter when the older woman sat down in the empty chair across from her, and Daryl walked over to pick up his coffee mug and lean against the arm of the couch while he listened to Carol talk.
"No problem," she said. "It was fun for me, too. Sophia used to love going to museums, but I think she grew out of it… Anyway, how was your guys' night?" She glanced to Beth meaningfully.
Beth shrugged and looked over at Daryl, who still appeared casual and leisurely as he held his coffee mug in one hand and replied, "Good. Stayed out pretty late, got t'sleep in. I can't complain."
"Except for those jerks in the bar," Beth commented, and Carol's smile quickly faded as she flashed Beth a look of concern.
"Bar?" She asked, looking to Daryl. "You guys went to a bar? You didn't take her ta C Block, did you?"
Daryl frowned. "Yeah, why? We went with Dwight an' Sherry, wasn't no big deal – shit, she 'bout whooped ol' Len's scrawny ass."
Beth instantly grinned and added, "Yeah – with a move I learned from the class!"
Carol still looked concerned, eyebrows raised as she looked from Daryl to Beth and back again. Then her face relaxed a bit and she asked Beth, "You did?"
Daryl and Beth nodded simultaneously. Beth replied, "I mean, he didn't do anything – just grabbed my leg. But it stopped him pretty fast."
Daryl chuckled softly and Beth flashed him a smirk while Carol shook her head.
"Told you that place is bad news," she said, looking at Daryl. "Axel an' his friends are good guys, but they can't keep that place under control. Did Joe show up, too? Try t'give you trouble?"
Beth thought she might've seen Daryl rolling his eyes for the briefest second, but she wasn't sure. He shrugged and took a sip of his coffee, then said, "Yeah, but Tiny an' Oscar took care of 'em real quick. Nothin' happened. Place is a lot better'an it used ta be."
Beth could almost hear the sarcastic "okay, Mom?" at the end of Daryl's sentence – though he didn't say it aloud. She bit back her own comments and decided to sit and listen unless she was spoken to. With Friday morning still fresh in her memory, she couldn't help but sense a bit of leftover tension between the three of them. And even though Carol had greeted her equally and was speaking to her like normal, she got the feeling that there was some disappointment – or disapproval – behind the older woman's gaze.
But Carol's brow was still furrowed, and she said to Daryl, "You think that was the best place to take her? Was that supposed t'be a date?"
Beth opened her mouth and began to interject, "I liked it, everybody there is really – "
But Daryl quickly changed the subject, stopping Beth mid-sentence and effectively ending their talk of the bar. "So we're plannin' on goin' camping next weekend – us an' the kid with Dwight an' Sherry." His tone was casual, but Beth could hear the sense of frustration behind it, and she knew he hadn't interrupted her for any reason than to spare them both from a lecture, or more disapproving glares. "You an' Tobin wanna come, bring yer girls? We're jus' gonna spend a couple nights up in the Catskills."
He successfully veered the conversation in another direction, though. Carol quickly dropped the subject of the bar and smiled, beginning to nod her head yes. But then she paused and furrowed her brow as her mouth formed a small 'o' of realization. "Oh – no, actually, this coming weekend? Tobin invited me and Sophia t'go with him and Charlie to Westchester for the weekend. He wants to visit his parents."
Daryl and Beth both raised their eyebrows, and Daryl said, "Oh – alright. Like a – meetin' the parents kinda thing, huh?"
Carol's cheeks turned a light shade of pink and she smiled, shrugging bashfully. "I suppose, it's something like that… I dunno. Tobin wants t'leave Friday evening, but I was thinking about leaving right after class on Saturday – and I'm guessing you won't be there?"
Daryl shook his head. "Nah, we're talkin' about leaving right after work Friday, an' comin' back Sunday afternoon."
Carol nodded, thinking on his words for a moment before responding, "We'll figure something out. I could probably get someone t'cover the class for one day. Maybe Tara and Rosita wanna fill in for a day – they were talking about it a few weeks ago when Sophia was sick."
"I'm sure they could manage," Daryl agreed. "Speakin' a that, she seems like she's doin' a lot better."
Carol's eyes lit up and she smiled, nodding again. "Yeah, she is. I think therapy's starting to have a real effect, but she and Charlie have gotten really close so I think that's been… really good for her."
Daryl and Beth both smiled at the older woman, and Beth was relieved to hear that she'd been correct in her assumptions of the preteen. She wondered if therapy was really helping, or if it was just having a friend. But then she wondered, how much effect can one person really have on another? Surely, it was just the therapy making a breakthrough, right?
"Glad ta hear it," Daryl rumbled, draining the last of his coffee.
"Thanks, Daryl," Carol said softly, then watched him walk over to leave his empty mug in the sink.
Beth sipped her coffee, watching as Carol did the same. The older woman gave her a meaningful look and Beth tried to interpret it, but then Daryl returned, and before he could lean against the arm of the couch, Carol was speaking in a lowered voice, her smile quickly fading.
"I, um," she started, glancing between Beth and Daryl as she spoke. "I wanted to apologize to you both for Friday morning – it's none of my business what you guys do behind closed doors. And I really didn't intend to bust in on you or anything. So, I'm sorry."
She had been looking pointedly to Daryl as well, but when she finished, she was staring into Beth's eyes. Beth sat, frozen, and nodded awkwardly. She glanced over at Daryl, who met her gaze and gave her a small nod. And then she understood that Carol had already told Daryl she was sorry – this was an apology meant for "Rosie."
Beth forced a smile to her lips despite the redness that was blooming on her face and shrugged indifferently. "It's fine, really. I understand – you're not used t'Daryl having a… girlfriend."
She felt weird saying it aloud, and a little brazen once she heard herself and saw Carol's reaction. Carol furrowed her brow briefly, but then she was smiling stiffly and nodding in agreement. Daryl was leaning against the arm of the couch, his arms crossed over his chest as he chewed thoughtfully on the tip of his thumb and half-joined the exchange.
"Yeah, exactly," Carol said quietly, a smile plastered to her lips. Then she turned her head and looked at Daryl, her voice coming out as an attempt at casual as she asked, "You're gonna tell Mal, right? He asked me a couple questions yesterday and… well, I'm not sure what I'm supposed t'say to him."
Beth saw Daryl's cheeks grow a little pink and he coughed into his hand, standing up straight and nodding. "Yeah. I was gonna talk to 'im… soon."
Carol pursed her lips briefly, then said, "Probably better t'make it sooner rather than… later."
Daryl nodded again, then scratched his head awkwardly and muttered, "I will. I'd better go check on 'im. I'll see ya in the mornin', though."
Carol drank the last of her coffee and set the mug down, standing up and reaching out to give Daryl a quick hug. When they pulled apart, she glanced at Beth and said, "Okay, see you guys in the morning." Then she moved towards the front door while Daryl moved toward the hall.
But just as she got to the front door, Carol paused and turned around. Daryl disappeared down the hall to his bedroom, but Carol was pointing her finger at Beth, an expression on her face like she'd just remembered something important.
"Be – uh, Rosie," Carol said, and Beth froze for a second. "I almost forgot t'tell you."
Did she just… almost call me Beth? She thought.
"Yeah?" She asked curiously, second-guessing her own ears.
"Your follow-up at the clinic is this week – on Thursday," Carol finished. "I can go with you again, if you want."
Without much thought, Beth nodded and said, "Yeah, that'd be great."
"Okay, I'll let you know the plan in the next couple days," Carol smiled, then waved good-bye and headed out the front door, closing it behind her.
I misheard her, Beth told herself, still replaying that split-second of Carol's voice in her head. There's no way she could know my real name... Even if she did, why wouldn't she have said something by now?
Thankfully, Daryl and Malachi appeared together from the hallway before Beth could get too lost in her thoughts. And then she was quickly forgetting about whatever Carol did or didn't say because she was too busy debating with the boys about what they should have for lunch.
Beth and Daryl tried to prepare lunch together, but it seemed that Mal was feeling ornery after his eventful night and morning, and he refused to stay in the living room and play. Beth was going to try to talk quietly with Daryl about what Carol had said, about talking to Mal and maybe about why she'd seemed so biased against C Block, but whenever she was about to, Mal would wander into the kitchen and begin asking questions and trying to grab things.
At one point, Daryl spotted him in the living room and asked what he had in his hand, to which the toddler quickly turned and began to run away, which made Daryl immediately chase after him to get a pair of scissors out of his hands. Beth worked on preparing lunch, smirking to herself and listening to the boys argue. She suppressed a giggle when she heard Daryl complain loudly that Carol had let Mal have too much sugar before bringing him home.
They sat down and had lunch together, though Mal was squirmy in his seat and messier with his food than usual. Beth could see Daryl's frustration growing and she tried to help distract the toddler and keep him entertained. Once he had a full meal in his belly, he began to calm down a bit, though Daryl had to repeat himself more often as they were all cleaning up. And when Mal asked if he could go play with his toys in the bedroom, Daryl urged him to go on.
Daryl finally sat down on the couch with Beth, heaving a tired sigh as he sunk into the cushions beside her. She looked over and smiled at him, then leaned in to kiss him softly. When she leaned back, she pulled her legs up and rested them over his lap.
"Still wanna take that li'l hellion out in public?" Daryl rumbled, a half-smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.
Beth giggled and shrugged. "Maybe he can get out all that excess energy he's got today."
Daryl grunted. "Maybe. Let's see how he handles goin' down fer a nap first."
She nodded, then asked, "What'd you think about, um – what Carol said…?"
He arched an eyebrow and mumbled, "Which part?"
She hesitated. "Um, talkin' to Mal. If he's askin' questions, then I mean…"
Daryl shrugged. "Yeah, I know. 'Spose we can sit 'im down an' talk to him after his nap – or I can. Ya ain't gotta do it, if ya don't want."
Beth scoffed. "Why wouldn't I?"
He shrugged again. "I'ono. 'S alright if you don't wanna deal with it yet. I'm his dad, I'm the one that has to explain the situation to him."
She shook her head, half-smiling. "No, I wanna talk to him, too. If he has questions, then we can answer 'em together. Or – I'll do my best."
Daryl smirked, studying her for a moment, then said, "Alright. If that's what ya want."
She raised her eyebrows, batting her eyelashes at him playfully. "Well, it is."
His smirk grew into a smile and Beth returned it with one of her own. Then he was reaching over and grabbing the back of her neck to pull her in for a long kiss, and she kissed him back eagerly.
When they pulled apart, she was still smiling, her arm wrapped around Daryl's middle while his arm was over her shoulders. She leaned into him, her legs still rested across his lap, and lay her head against his shoulder. A chilly breeze was blowing in through the open living room window and the TV was at a low volume.
With Daryl's words – "which part?" – still in her head, Beth asked quietly, "So… what's Carol's deal with C Block? Has she been there before?"
Daryl grunted and she felt him squeeze her arm lightly. "Yeah, while back. She went on a couple dates with Axel, but it didn't go nowhere. Shit was… different back then. Wasn't long after I first moved into this place. Back when I was still havin' a hard time takin' care a Mal by myself an' dealin' with, uh – losin' his mom."
"Oh," Beth said softly, and wrapped her arm just a little bit tighter around him. She was starting to piece it together now and understand why Carol might be so biased. She was also beginning to understand why he'd omitted some of these details, though she couldn't help but ask, "Were you really friends with those guys? Joe an' Len?"
Daryl grunted again, and Beth realized she was beginning to recognize the different tones of grunts he made – this one had been a bit ashamed, like he was reluctant to admit to what she'd figured out. She was about to apologize for asking, but then he rumbled, "Yeah… Thought they were alright at first. We'd get drunk at the bar, start shit with people. But all they ended up doin' was… remindin' me. Of everything I left back in Georgia. They're the same kinda assholes Merle would hang around with... They're the same kinda assholes that'd stab me if they thought I'd fucked 'em over. Or jus' 'cause they felt like it... Stupid bastards that think they're smart bastards – that's the most dangerous kind, though. They'll do all kinds a stupid shit. An' then turn around and justify it… Nah, I wasn't friends with them fer very long at all. Never will be again."
So that's what Joe meant, she thought, absent-mindedly digging her fingers into Daryl's side. Maybe Joe saw that side of Daryl – the ugly side. Maybe a glimpse… A moment of weakness.
"They think they know the real you," she said softly, more thinking aloud than intentionally speaking.
But Daryl heard her, and she could hear him swallow before he said softly, "Ain't no real me. This is it… They jus' think there's only one version you can be of yerself – which ain't true. I got too many reasons ta be better."
Me, too, Beth thought. But would you even believe me if I told you I'm trying to be better? Would you think it's possible that I want to leave everything from Georgia as far behind me as I can? Or would you just think it's another lie, like all the lies I've had to tell you for fear of going to prison? My dark past is a hell of a lot fresher than yours, and probably more dangerous…
She felt him squeezing her arm and she lifted her head to look up into his blue eyes, a slightly concerned expression on his face. He must've noticed her long silence, or the contemplative look in her eyes. He asked quietly, "Ya alright?"
She smiled weakly and nodded, that familiar knot of guilt making itself known in her gut. There was a quiet voice at the back of her mind, repeating like a faint pulse: Tell him, tell him, tell him…
But she silenced it and replied, "Yeah. I was just thinkin'… I really like this version of you."
Daryl grunted in a half-chuckle and smirked at her. "Me, too."
They sat together on the couch, watching TV while Mal played in the bedroom, resting against each other and kissing every now and then. When the rerun they'd been watching finished, Daryl got up and motioned for Beth to join him, and she knew what he was planning without having to ask. She obliged and followed him down the hall and to the bedroom.
The blond toddler was sitting on the floor, his usual array of toys spread out before him as he made sound effects and played with a toy truck in one hand and a doll in the other. His new, pink caterpillar was lying on the floor beside him. He looked up excitedly when he saw his dad and "Rosie" entering the bedroom and sitting down on the carpet across from him.
"Um, I have a-a queen to save," Mal said. "But if you guys wanna pway, you can be the knights um, at the uh, at the moat. For now."
Daryl chuckled and shook his head. "Nah, that's okay, bud. Thanks, though. Didn't wanna interrupt your game, but, uh… I wanted ta talk to ya."
The excitement on Mal's face faded and it grew quizzical. "Am I um, am I in trouble?"
Beth covered her mouth to hide a small smile and glanced over at Daryl, who smirked and shook his head. "No, son, you're not in trouble. But I wanted ta ask ya somethin'."
Mal was sitting and giving Daryl his full attention now, toys still grasped in his motionless hands. "Okay, Dad."
Daryl exchanged a look with Beth, who gave him her best supportive smile. Then he cleared his throat and asked the toddler, "Well, Malachi, how would you feel about havin' yer own room?"
Mal furrowed his brow and asked, "Why can't I sleep with you, Dad?"
"We already been over this," Daryl replied. "Ya gotta be sleepin' in yer own bed, like a big boy."
Mal sighed, but said, "Okay."
Daryl nodded, then said, "Okay. So, maybe we can put yer bed an' yer toys, all yer clothes, in the other room, and you'd have it all ta yourself. What d'ya think a that?"
Mal wasn't smiling, though. In fact, he was frowning, and glancing at Beth like he expected her to say something disappointing, too. Then he asked, "In Rosie's room?"
"Yeah," Daryl confirmed.
"But where would Rosie sleep?"
Daryl pursed his lips at this and looked over at Beth, who bit her lip and hesitated. Then, seeing that Daryl was still trying to figure out what to say, she said, "Um – well, you know how um… you saw me an' your dad in bed the other day? When you and Carol came home?"
Mal nodded, watching Beth expectantly.
She hesitated, then continued, "Well, we…" Her voice quickly trailed off and she realized she had no idea how to word what she really wanted to say. She looked over at Daryl desperately and saw that he appeared a little more confident than before.
"Mal, me an' Rosie are boyfriend and girlfriend now," he said simply. "D'you know what that means?"
The toddler looked back and forth between Beth and Daryl for a moment . "Yeah. That – that means she's gonna stay. Right, Rosie?"
Beth's eyes widened briefly but she quickly smiled, the expectant look on Mal's face instantly warming her heart. She nodded and said, "That's right."
Then he pressed his lips together thoughtfully as he gazed at his father with a furrowed brow and asked, "Is Rosie gonna be my new mom?"
Beth blushed and looked down at her lap while Daryl let out a nervous chuckle and quickly said, "No, son, that don't mean she's gonna be yer new mom. Nobody'll ever take yer mom's place, you know that."
Mal raised his eyebrows and said, "But if you're boyfwiend and girlfwiend, then… you're um, yer gonna get married, right?"
Beth couldn't stop the giggle that escaped her lips this time and she quickly looked over at Daryl with an apologetic expression. But he just smirked at her.
"Maybe one day," he told his son. "But for now, it's just… dating. She's not your mom, an' you don't gotta treat her any different. You still gotta respect her like you normally would, but you don't gotta call her mom or nothin' like that."
Mal nodded, his little brain working behind big, blue eyes to process this new information. Then he said, "But I like sleeping in your room, Dad."
Daryl frowned and glanced over at Beth. She shot him a look that said, I think this is your area, Dad...
He sighed softly and stroked his chin hair. "Okay. But what about havin' yer own space, bud? You could have the whole floor, we could put all yer drawin's up on the walls – "
Mal let out a small whine and argued, "No, I like this room! I don't want a new mom or a new room."
Beth bit down on her lip and looked over at Daryl with a concerned expression. The toddler's words sent a pang of guilt through her chest. But Daryl didn't get angry. In fact, Beth thought he might've looked a little sad. Or maybe he was just disappointed at Mal's reaction.
"Mal, she's not your new mom," he said firmly, his eyes soft and pleading as he stared down at his son. "But she is a part of our life now. If ya wanna stay in here, that's fine. We'll give it more time. But eventually – "
Mal dropped his toys and huffed angrily. He was quite possibly the most passive aggressive toddler Beth had ever met, but she knew exactly where he got it from. He stood up and picked up his pink caterpillar, then turned away from Beth and Daryl, storming over to his bed and lying down to face the wall with his back turned to them. He clutched the fluffy caterpillar in his arms.
"I'd like to be alone, pwease," he said loudly, and Beth looked over at Daryl with wide eyes.
But Daryl just sighed and slumped his shoulders a bit, then gestured for Beth to join him as they both stood up. She was still baffled by the young boy's reaction, watching him as he lay in his bed and fiddled with the stuffed caterpillar, his back still turned to them. She could tell this was a normal reaction from him by the way Daryl was taking it, and she followed his cues as they moved to leave the bedroom.
When Beth stepped out into the hall, Daryl paused and turned back to the toddler to say, "Mal, it's nap time anyway, so I'm gonna leave ya be, an' ya better take a nap. But we're gonna have ta talk about this later… Okay?"
Beth could hear Mal sighing heavily, and then a mumbled, "Okay, Dad…"
Daryl nodded and left the bedroom, pulling the door shut behind him but leaving it ajar so he could still hear and see Mal from the hall. Beth walked with him back to the living room, frowns on their faces. They plopped down on the couch together, sitting in silence for a few minutes.
"Well, that didn't go the way I thought it would," Beth said quietly, looking over to see Daryl gazing at the TV with a contemplative look on his face.
He grunted, chewing the inside of his cheek. "Yeah… Me either. But… 's kinda what I was afraid of."
Beth furrowed her brow. "You knew that he'd think I'm trying to replace his mom?"
Daryl shrugged, glancing at her apprehensively before mumbling, "Figured it'd be somethin' like that. He, uh… I'ono. He's got a lotta questions 'bout her. But… I ain't told 'im much."
Beth's frown deepened, and without hesitation, she asked, "Why not? You have all those pictures an' stuff – you've talked to him about it. Don't you guys visit her every year?"
She could see him chewing harder on the inside of his cheek as he averted his eyes downward, refusing to meet her gaze. He looked down at his lap, picking at his fingernails. "Yeah, but that's all we do," he rumbled. "Bring some flowers. I tell 'im some good memories. But he's got… he wants ta know everything. An' I don't… I dunno how ta tell 'im all that. I don't want to tell him all that."
She quickly realized this was becoming a much deeper conversation than she'd expected. Daryl's relationship with his dead girlfriend was a lot more complicated than she'd thought. And the mom that Mal never knew was apparently no more than a handful of stories and a headstone to the toddler. Beth felt a heavy guilt for how she'd come into the apartment, invaded the boys' space and their lives. No wonder the toddler was so upset at the thought of moving bedrooms – he thought it was the start of a bigger change, like "Rosie" was going to come in and erase whatever was left of his real mom.
She could understand that. She knew what it felt like to have a dead mom, after all. Though she felt even worse for the toddler because he was too young to remember or understand just how much his mother really had loved him.
She let Daryl's words sit between them for a long moment. Then she was unable to find anything else she wanted to say, and an awkward, incredulous smile tugged at the corners of her mouth as she asked, "But why not? That's his mom, Daryl."
She recognized the frustration on his face – put there to hide the hurt that was lurking just beneath the surface. He leaned forward on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees, hanging his head and gazing down at his socks. His brows were furrowed thoughtfully and he chewed on the inside of his cheek, and for a moment, Beth was afraid she'd crossed a line. She was about to open her mouth and apologize, take back the question, assure him that they'd be fine sleeping separately and that, hopefully, Malachi would accept it with time.
But then he sighed and muttered quietly, "I jus'… miss her. All the fuckin' time. An' Mal… he's lucky. He don't remember her, he ain't gotta feel that pain."
When he paused and hesitated, Beth said softly, "But he still does. He might not remember her, but you do. And he sees that. What kid wouldn't wanna know everything about their mom – the person that gave birth to them?"
Daryl furrowed his brow and chewed on his bottom lip, then said, "He was always too little ta understand, ta really know what I was tellin' 'im. But this last year, he's got all these questions, an' it gets harder an' harder ta distract him... I don't – I just don't wanna talk about it. With him. I don't – I don't want him ta know what it feels like ta love somebody that can't ever come back."
Beth swallowed past a growing knot in her throat, biting her tongue as she watched Daryl turn his face away from her so she couldn't see the way he was roughly swiping his hand across his eyes. He cleared his throat and scratched his stubbly cheek, still looking away from her.
"Ain't it just like we read in Harry Potter, though?" She asked, smiling weakly and watching him as he turned and gave her a quizzical look. "Just the other day – you remember that part? 'The ones we love never really leave us…'? You have so many memories that you can share with him, Daryl. She might seem like nothin' more than a story to 'im right now, but if you talk about her, answer all his questions… she'll be real. He just wants to know who she was."
He cleared his throat again and looked back down at the floor. His voice came out hoarse as he muttered, "But… I don't – I already miss her. So… goddamn much… And what if – if we talk about 'er like that, he gets all his answers – what if he ends up missin' her, too? Jus' like I do?"
Beth wasn't sure why, but she felt herself smiling faintly as she scooted over and leaned against Daryl. Maybe it was seeing how much he really loved Lucy – even to this day. Maybe it was seeing the big wall he'd built slowly falling down before her, little piece by little piece. Or maybe it was just the fact that something in her knew exactly what he needed to hear right now.
He turned his head and finally looked at her, and she met his watery blue eyes. She tentatively reached out to wrap her arms around his middle and he allowed it, leaning into her just the slightest bit. He was still looking at her quizzically, waiting for an answer, or some advice, or support, or whatever it might be that she had to offer.
She let her small smile grow a little bigger, gazing back at him with reassurance. And she said softly, "Then maybe you'll both miss her. But you'll miss her together… An' that's a whole lot better than keeping it all inside. Keepin' it to yourself."
He chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully for a long second, studying her face like he was trying to figure out if she was being genuine or not. Then he asked hesitantly, "You think so…?"
I know so, she thought to herself, thinking back to how she'd felt after losing Momma and Shawn.
She rested her chin on his shoulder and continued to gaze at him. "Yeah," she mumbled. "I do."
Daryl scratched his chin and looked away to stare off in contemplation. Beth could tell he was conflicted by the whole situation, and still debating with himself inside his head. She wanted to be more help, but she also knew there was only so much she could do in her position. However, he seemed to be giving her a chance to reach out to him – in a way that had only really happened a handful of times. And she found herself thinking of the overturned photo in his bedroom.
Hesitating at first, she lifted her chin from his shoulder and asked quietly, "You… feel guilty? About us?" Her voice came out barely louder than a whisper, but Daryl heard her clearly, and he quickly turned his head to look at her. She held her breath for a moment, anticipating his reaction.
He furrowed his brow, searching her face as he replied, "'Course not – why you say that? That what you think?"
Beth pressed her lips together tightly and shook her head, glancing away from his eyes. "No. Not really. But… you got that picture by your bed. An' it's been turned over ever since we…"
Her voice trailed off but she knew that she didn't need to finish. Realization crossed his face and he briefly looked like he might've been ashamed. She felt him tense up a bit. Then he mumbled, "I can't really… explain it. 'S just – been a lot t'process in a short amount a time. But I don't feel guilty about us. Or like I regret ya or somethin'. It's… complicated."
Her stomach fluttered and she watched him pause and lick his lips, blue eyes going soft, then he added, "Don't feel guilty 'bout you – never you. But… there's jus' other shit."
His sentence was vague, but Beth understood. She nodded and he wrapped his arm around her, leaning back and pulling her closer to him.
I guess we both got stuff we can't explain, she thought sadly.
to be continued…
A/N: The songs Beth played in this chapter were "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World (duh) and "It Had To Be You" by Motion City Soundtrack. The title for this chapter, and the next like ten or so chapters, comes from "Hold Me Down" by Motion City Soundtrack (listen to it, it makes me think of nothing but this fic UGH).
I know I've been saying for a while now that we're getting close to the big reveal but I really, really mean it this time! Be sure to let me know you're reading/enjoying in the reviews! :)