you're the emptiness the whole world sings at night
Beth and Daryl sat on the couch together, cuddling and whispering, occasionally laughing or playfully tickling each other, while Malachi napped. To her pleasant surprise, Beth's advice had seemed to help lift Daryl's spirits, at least for the most part. They didn't talk much more about it, but it felt like they'd exchanged just as many unspoken words and gestures during their conversation.
Even though, despite their closeness and smiles, there were other thoughts bubbling up to the surface of Beth's mind as she lingered on what Daryl had said, and how he'd said it. Despite her efforts not to linger on it. Why had she been the one to tell him it was okay to miss his child's dead mother? And why was she only now realizing how much he actually missed her – so much that he'd said it twice? Beth tried to push these thoughts back for now, but they refused to be silenced, lingering unspoken while she sat with Daryl and breathed in his scent. For a moment, she wondered if she should be treasuring the moment more – maybe it wouldn't last… Maybe he wasn't really intending on being there for the "long run" after all.
No matter how much Beth tried to reassure herself that she was being paranoid, or insecure, she couldn't stop herself from beginning to question whether Daryl was really feeling the same thing she was. Maybe he was just letting her fill a space that had been sitting open for too long, and eventually, she'd just fall out, or he'd push her out. She had to scold herself once she started to wonder if Daryl's ex-girlfriend's corpse had been lying between them this whole time. She found it difficult not to imagine that the wall she'd thought was beginning to break down had really just been a deep-seeded, lost love that had never been resolved. Maybe he'd kept it inside for so long because he knew he was incapable of loving someone else again, or opening up to them like that.
She knew she had no room to wonder about Lucy, about the overturned photo, about all the guilt and whatever else that he clearly still felt – not when she was still keeping so much from him. But she couldn't help it. That tinge of jealousy and uncertainty was quickly blooming into an insecurity. If ever there'd been a time when she was wondering if she should be getting this involved with someone, it was now. She knew there was a lot at risk for both of them, in several ways.
But it wasn't like she didn't get it. Her ex was dead, too. Except that she didn't miss him – not who he'd become, anyway. And not actively. She missed him like he was a distant memory, thinking about the sweet Jimmy she'd known for so many years. But not every day. What if Daryl wasn't actually opening up to her? What if she was nothing more than a distraction, and once she was gone, he'd set the photo back up next to his bed and return to loving his darling, departed Lucy? What if he never stopped loving her, and never would? Beth had thought that the lack of photos, his refusal to talk about her, and the small outbursts had just been symptoms of survivor's guilt. But now it felt more like regret, like maybe he only said she "left" them because that's what it felt like to him. And maybe he only said he didn't feel guilty about Beth because he knew there was no way to explain his way out of that kind of truth.
What if Beth really was pushing her way into a place that had no room for her?
When Mal awoke from his nap, he was in a much better mood, and Daryl suggested that they leave things be for now and attempt to talk to him again later, maybe with a lighter approach. Beth agreed, though she mostly dreaded seeing the look that had been on the toddler's face again. It brought the rest of her guilt bubbling rapidly up to the surface, and now she was fighting back that old, nagging thought that kept telling her she was in way over her head, that she was intruding on a family where she didn't belong. How was she supposed to worry about helping Daryl and Mal find closure when she was focused on evading the police? How could she justify her stupid little insecurities when there was so much more at stake?
But then Daryl brought up their plans to go to the park, asking Beth if she still wanted to go before proposing the idea to Mal. Of course, the toddler was quick to say yes, and the excitement on his face helped Beth to forget about the pang of guilt that was almost constantly throbbing somewhere deep in her gut, and getting worse every day. She hoped that the fresh air would help to clear her head – and Daryl's.
They all put on shoes before leaving the apartment, with Beth putting on sunglasses and Daryl wearing his winged vest, as always. Though she opted not to wear her hat, and they all opted to go without jackets – or sleeves, in Daryl's case – as the day was particularly warm and the humidity wasn't letting up anytime soon. Then they locked up behind them and set off for a nearby park in the warm, late September weather, the sun steadily travelling across the clear, blue sky as the afternoon prepared to fade into evening.
While they walked down the sidewalk together at a leisurely pace, Mal holding his dad's hand and happily chatting away and pointing at things he saw, Beth gazed around when she wasn't watching the boys with admiration. Once again, she caught herself wondering if she should be cherishing these moments more than usual, for fear of how many more were to come.
A couple blocks down, they passed a small church, and she thought about home – or Georgia. She thought about how she should've been in church today, but instead, she'd spent the morning lying in bed with a man much older than her who didn't even know her real name. And then she wondered to herself if, at the end of the day, forgiveness from Daryl was even the forgiveness she should really be worried about.
Though the silent, inexplicable vibration humming over the city felt exactly like that of a normal Sunday afternoon, everything still felt a little off to Beth. And she knew it was because her routine was so completely thrown off, and everything she knew as normal had been turned upside-down. She couldn't help but think about how, though the internal feeling of the day was the same here, the sensations were anything but. Instead of freshly mown grass, dirt, horse feed, animal fur, and all the flowers in her momma's garden, she was smelling fifteen different kinds of food being cooked in the vicinity, as well as car exhaust, a whiff of old sewage, the stench of nearby garbage, and another smell that she couldn't quite identify, but that she'd been smelling around the city since she'd arrived (smog, maybe?).
Then she thought about how, despite all these unpleasant smells that came with the city-living, she still didn't have to walk around and smell that overwhelming, inescapable stench of pure shit. The one that had lingered around half the farm; the one that had been Beth's cue to turn around and walk far away from the area…
Brainwashedbrainwashedbrainwashed.
She had tried to distract herself with listening to Mal's excited chatter, or making light conversation with Daryl here and there. But eventually, she fell into an observant silence as she watched the world continue to move around her as she struggled to pull herself away from lingering on the past or sinking back into toxic trains of thought. Thankfully, they were approaching the park, and she felt Daryl grabbing her hand and squeezing it, pulling her out of her own head. She looked over at him and smiled, and the concern on his face faded away as he half-smiled back. She realized she must've looked spaced-out or deeply contemplative, and she squeezed Daryl's hand back to silently assure him she was fine. Then she was watching Mal begin to point and run ahead, tugging on his dad's hand excitedly, and she laughed as they all sped up their pace to walk through the large archway.
The park they'd come to was smaller than the one they'd visited with Carol and Tobin, and closer to the apartment. Following a winding sidewalk path between large areas of lush, green grass, they found their way to a playground area filled with other kids, mostly school-aged. There were only a handful of small children grouped together in one spot, playing on some of the equipment designed for toddlers, and they were closely surrounded by a group of supervising parents. Daryl and Beth hung back a few feet and watched as Mal approached a couple of toddlers and started playing with them, his face lighting up as he quickly made new friends.
Beth glanced over and saw the proud smile on Daryl's face, and the thoughtful look in his eyes, and she hesitated a moment before asking, "You still thinkin' about the daycare thing?"
He looked over at her and nodded. "Yeah, think I found a place. Still pretty expensive, though."
She shrugged lightly and said, "Well, my offer's still on the table, ya know."
"Yeah, I know – a loan," he muttered, turning his head back to watch Mal again.
She suppressed a smile, still gazing over at him. "Maybe daycare will help him adjust to some other kinds of change, too. Or, ya know, it could be a step in the right direction."
Daryl narrowed his eyes briefly as he gazed out at his son and seemed to think on her words, then nodded and looked over at her. "Kinda what I was thinkin', too."
With a smile pulling the corners of her mouth upward, Beth reached over and casually took his hand in hers. He intertwined their fingers together and squeezed her hand, then gently pulled her over until she was standing close enough that their arms were touching.
They stood around with the other parents and watched Mal play, pointing out kids here and there and making funny comments or observations. They both marveled at the way Mal could instantly make friends, and laughed when they saw him picking up a bug and eagerly showing it to the other kids. Beth stole glances of the mothers standing around nearby, then watched Daryl from the corner of her eye for a few long moments. She squeezed his hand lightly, wondering if he was missing Lucy in this moment. He turned his head to meet her gaze and gave her a reassuring smile, even though he had no idea how tight her stomach was beginning to feel. She smiled back weakly, silently scolding herself for being so selfish.
After a while of playing with the other toddlers, Mal rushed back over to Beth and Daryl and asked them to play Tag with him, like they had before. Beth and Daryl happily agreed and they spent a long time chasing each other around the park, accidentally bumping into other people once or twice. While they were taking a breather, Mal spotted a dog in the distance being walked by its owner, and he pointed it out excitedly, asking Daryl if he could go pet it.
"No, son, you're allergic – remember?" Daryl told him, and Beth could see the flicker of disappointment in Daryl's eyes.
Mal's face fell and he said, "Oh. Yeah."
Beth was about to step in and propose they start up their game again to distract him, but Daryl was quicker. He grabbed the toddler beneath his arms and lifted him up.
"How 'bout we play Godzilla?" Daryl suggested, hoisting Malachi up and sitting him atop his shoulders.
Mal was grinning again and laughed. "Can Rosie be the city?!"
Beth watched with curiosity and met Daryl's gaze when he turned to her, smiling. "I dunno – you wanna be the city fer Godzilla, Rosie?"
She smiled and nodded. "Sure – wait, how do we play exactly…?"
Daryl chuckled and walked in slow circles with the toddler on his shoulders. "Mal's Godzilla – I'm jus' the body, he does all the wreckin'. An' yer the city. You seen Godzilla before, right?"
She laughed and nodded, a foggy memory briefly floating to the surface of her mind: her daddy in the living room, sitting in front of the TV and watching an old, black-and-white movie of a giant lizard monster destroying a city. She could still remember the scene where the monster emerged from the ocean. Her daddy would sit in his chair and watch with a little smile on his face, blue eyes sparkling while he sipped from the glass of sweet tea or the mug of hot cocoa that her momma had made for him. And Beth would sit on the carpet in front of him, eyes glued to the screen while she watched with fascination. Shawn and Maggie had never liked to watch black-and-white films with Daddy – they thought they were boring. But Beth adored them, and even more so, she adored sitting with her daddy, just the two of them.
"'Course I have," she replied, still smiling.
And then Mal was making loud, roaring noises and waving his hands around wildly while Daryl stumbled around and playfully chased Beth in the grass. She quickly grew breathless from laughing and running around at the same time, and Daryl was breaking a sweat of his own. But they played for a long time, even though it only felt like a few minutes to Beth. She didn't realize how much time had passed until she started looking around and noticing all the people gradually filtering out of the park, and the sun drifting closer and closer to the horizon above them.
They finished their game of Godzilla, followed by another game of Tag and then a brief game of Hide 'N Seek in the nearby trees. Then they were all growing tired and winded, the looks on their faces reflective of their equal desires to go home. Mal declared that he was hungry and Daryl pulled out a banana that he'd brought along for that exact reason from a pocket in his vest, assuring his son that they would be having supper in just a couple of short hours.
There was a small pond a short walk away, though, and Daryl suggested they go take a rest and try to see some ducks before making the walk back home. Mal happily agreed, and Beth found herself holding Daryl's hand while he carried the toddler on his shoulders once more. They walked down the winding sidewalk path together with smiles on their faces, Beth's sunglasses over her eyes as she watched the boys with a sly smile and held loosely onto Daryl's hand.
How could I ever leave this? She thought to herself. Whether I should have gotten here or not, here I am. And I can't walk away now.
They reached the pond and Daryl and Beth took seats on a small, wooden bench while Mal rushed off to check the muddy bank for frogs and worms. As they'd hoped, there was a small group of ducks floating on the top of the water, quacking to another lone duck that was standing on the other side of the pond. Mal pointed them out excitedly and they floated farther away from him, but he didn't seem to care as he watched them with a huge grin and wide, entranced eyes.
Daryl chuckled to himself, gazing at the toddler with a content half-smile on his face. Beth watched Mal running along the edge of the pond, stopping every couple of feet and bending down to inspect the ground and the shallow water within reach. The ducks quacked again and she looked over to see a new duck had joined the party in the pond, approaching from the opposite side and entering the water with four little ducklings trailing closely behind it.
She smiled to herself as she watched the babies follow their mother into the water, floating effortlessly and never leaving one another's side. Then she felt Daryl's warm hand reaching over and squeezing her leg, and she glanced over to see that he was gazing out at the water, too, that content smile still absent-mindedly resting on his lips.
"Wish I'd brought somethin' for him ta feed the ducks with," Daryl mumbled quietly.
Still looking out at the water, Beth chuckled softly and replied, "Me, too."
Mal's excited laughter joined the quacking of the ducks around them, and for a moment, Beth thought she might never leave this exact spot. Knowing she had to, though, she quickly took a mental picture and tried to commit every detail to her memory – this was a moment she'd want to remember and relive for a long time, after all.
When they got back home, it was time for dinner. The sun was setting outside and the breeze was growing chillier, and there was muffled talking and laughter coming from behind the closed door of Carol's apartment. Daryl's apartment was dark and quiet, though that quickly changed as they entered and turned on the lights, taking off their shoes and chatting excitedly about the park. Beth opened up the living room window to let in the evening breeze, as she always did, while Mal leapt to his toy box as soon as his shoes were off. Daryl took off his boots and vest, then went into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge.
"Want me t'make dinner while you guys get cleaned up?" Beth proposed, walking over and joining him in the kitchen.
Daryl nodded, swallowing his swig of water. "Sure, what'd you – "
But he was interrupted by Mal entering the kitchen and tugging on his pant leg. "Dad, can I have another 'nana?"
Daryl paused and looked down at his son. "No, Mal, we're about ta have supper. It'll be ready soon as we get washed up."
"But I'm hungwy-y!" Mal whined, tears brimming his eyes. "Now!"
Daryl furrowed his brow, confused by the toddler's uncommon mood swing, and raised his voice just a little, speaking firmly. "I said no, Malachi. Don' t whine, that don't get you anything 'round here. You know that."
But Mal whined again, furiously spinning around and stomping out of the kitchen with his tiny arms crossed over his chest in defiance.
Beth and Daryl exchanged quizzical looks, and she couldn't help but immediately wonder if Mal's outburst had anything to do with their discussion earlier. Was it confusing the kid to act like a family together at the park while telling him that she wasn't his "new mom"? She could definitely see how that was possible, and it only made her feel more guilty for causing such a disruption in the boys' lives. Once again, that nagging, inner voice was telling her that she was filling a spot that wasn't fit for her.
"He's just hungry," Daryl assured her, as if he were reading her mind. He watched the toddler playing in the living room and she could see in his eyes that those were only words – he was concerned by this behavior, too. He was probably having the same thought process as her.
"You sure about that?" She asked softly.
He blinked and scratched his chin, then shrugged and met her gaze. "I'll try t'talk to him while we're gettin' cleaned up. Don't worry about it – let's jus' get some food in us."
Beth swallowed back any disagreements and nodded, then put on a small smile of reassurance. Daryl leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips, and reflexively, she relaxed into him. Then her smile became a bit more genuine and she watched him leave the kitchen and take Mal down the hall.
She went about preparing dinner, trying not to linger on what kind of rifts she might be causing. She could hear the muffled sounds of Daryl's and Mal's voices, occasionally interspersed with their laughter, which was relieving to hear. While she waited for the noodles to boil, she grabbed up her phone and checked the news sites. But there were no updates that concerned her, which left her dwelling on the conflicts with Daryl and Mal. There was a part of her, growing bigger every day, that was highly anticipating Jenny Jones' next article. There was also a part of her that had a strong, indescribable feeling telling her that more was coming – much more – and soon. Though she couldn't explain it, not even to herself. It was like waiting for the other shoe to drop, but she had no idea what the shoe would look like or just how large it would be.
Dinner was almost done by the time the boys emerged from the hall and joined Beth in the kitchen. Daryl helped her finish after he helped Mal set the table, and they all sat down together to eat and chat happily. Mal's mood seemed to have improved vastly, and he ate his dinner without any complaint or objection, much to Beth's surprise.
She was still cautious of how his feelings could be changing toward her, though, so she mostly sat and listened, commenting quietly. But then she grew more comfortable, and things felt normal again as they all laughed together and smiled. And when Daryl brought up their camping trip, Mal bounced excitedly in his seat and grinned, then asked "Rosie" if she was coming and if she had ever been camping before. Her heart did a tiny leap and she nodded, sharing in the boys' excitement for the upcoming trip. She listened with a smile as Mal talked about all the things he wanted to do with "Uncle 'Wight" and "Aunt Sherry." Her smile grew bigger when he expressed even more excitement for "Rosie" being in the same place as Dwight and Sherry.
They finished dinner and cleaned up together, all of them visibly worn out from their exercise at the park. When Daryl suggested they watch a Marvel movie and head off to bed, Mal didn't object, and neither did Beth. They shut off the lights and sat down in the living room, sprawled out on the couch. Halfway through the movie, Beth got them each a small bowl of ice cream. And after the bowls were empty and sitting on the coffee table, she was resting her head on Daryl's shoulder while Mal was lying on his other side, struggling to stay awake until the very end of Iron Man 3.
Daryl wound up carrying Mal to bed after the movie ended, rejoining Beth on the couch just a couple of minutes later. The toddler had been out cold, and he hadn't woken up long enough to need a bedtime story, let alone anything more than Daryl tucking him in and double-checking that the nightlight was on. Beth smiled contentedly as she cuddled up with Daryl on the couch, leaving the living room dark except for the glow of the TV.
They watched a rerun of that zombie show that happened to be playing, Daryl's arms wrapped around Beth while they both relaxed into the cushions of the couch. The evening breeze drifting in through the open window had the faint scent of seawater mixed with ethnic food, and the sleepy noises of the city's Sunday night played like quiet white noise behind the voices and sound effects coming from the TV. Beth felt the most comfortable she'd been all day, and the large knot of guilt in her stomach was untangling. Though her mind still raced, it was quieter than before.
They'd sat in silence for the duration of the episode, simply enjoying one another's warmth and companionship. Then the episode ended and Beth turned her head, which was lying on Daryl's arm, to gaze up at him. His head was rested against the arm of the couch and his eyelids hung heavy, but he felt her looking at him and met her eyes without moving his head.
"I had a lotta fun today," she said softly, unable to hold back a small smile. "I think it was a good day... Y'know, despite whatever else."
Daryl smirked and mumbled, "Yeah. Me, too."
"It was sure an eventful weekend for Mal," she said.
"Yeah, no kiddin'. Really wore 'im out."
Beth paused and bit her lip briefly, still thinking back on earlier and all her internal conflicts. She'd wanted to apologize to them both, in a way, for stepping in and disturbing their calm lives. But she wasn't sure it was right. Now, however, in the dim living room, lying close with Daryl, she wanted nothing more than to apologize. For all of it. But she stopped herself before her mind was convincing her to take it too far.
"I'm… I really am sorry for all the – like, the problems I'm causing," she said, voice soft and tentative. Her eyes flicked downward, away from his, as she went on, "Between Carol an' now Mal, I – well, I thought Mal liked me – I mean, I know he does, but I guess I didn't think about how he might feel if – "
But Daryl stopped her, speaking quietly as well, his voice low and rumbling, "Stop that. Ain't nothin' to apologize for, Carol just don't know when ta keep her nose out, an' Mal – he's jus' a kid. He don't understand. An' it's mostly my fault anyways, there's a lotta stuff I been puttin' off 'cause I didn't think I'd have ta deal with 'em... But that's not on you."
She swallowed past a small knot that was threatening to form in her throat and blinked back guilty tears, thankful that she was lying down and they were easier to hold back. "It's a lot, though, Daryl. In a short amount of time... I wouldn't understand it either, if I was him. It's all happened so fast."
Daryl furrowed his brow and she could feel him looking down at her more intensely, studying her as she continued to gaze down at his T-shirt instead of meeting his eyes. He was silent for a moment, then he rumbled, "Sounds like you got a bigger problem with it'an he does… If this is goin' too fast, why didn't you say somethin'? We don't have ta – "
She quickly flicked her eyes back up to meet his gaze and cut him off, "That's not what I mean, Daryl, you know that. I just – I can't help but feel like I'm… way in over my head. I'm tryin' my best, I really am, but I never meant to intrude."
He frowned down at her and grunted. "Then what do you mean? Yer not – intruding. That's jus' stupid."
Beth didn't hesitate to finally vocalize the insecurity that had grown within her over the last several hours, though she spoke quietly. "You say that, but then you also say that you miss your dead ex every single day." Once it came out, though, she quickly realized that she could've worded it differently.
Daryl blinked and his face became incredulous. His lips pressed together tightly and he didn't look away from her, but he didn't say anything either.
Her heart was sinking into her stomach and she was trying not to say anything she would regret, but the look on his face was only fueling her need for a definitive answer. "I know it's normal, but – how am I supposed t'live up to somebody that you can't even talk about? I remember when you told me you didn't need her, that it jus' gets lonely… Is that all I am? A placeholder because you've been lonely so long?"
His expression changed to slightly angered, and he replied, "Don't be ridiculous, I told you already. Every way I know how. If that was the case, this – we wouldn't be here right now. I thought you understood – since you jus' lost yer momma. Thought you wasn't gonna be insecure. Lucy's dead, she ain't no competition ta you."
Beth stared back at him defiantly, ignoring his mention of her mother, and replied, "Exactly – she is dead. So why do I still feel like I'm competing with a ghost? Somebody you can't ever stop loving? I'm here with you now, I'm – falling for you, Daryl. Are you here with me, or are you wishing it was her hand you were holding instead a mine?"
She watched the anger on his face fade into guilt. His eyes drifted away from her, staring off blankly as he chewed his bottom lip. She could see him fighting the urge to shut down and walk away. Then he spoke tentatively, "Ain't like that… Said I missed 'er 'cause I do, but – that don't mean I still love her. Doesn't mean I think about 'er or wish she was here instead a you… I'd never think that."
Beth swallowed painfully, picking up on the remorse in his last sentence. She continued to stare at him, softening her gaze, and her words came out more tentatively. "I know you said you don't feel guilty about us, but… it feels an awful lot like you do. An' I know there's stuff you're not ready t'talk about, but I can't be here, gettin' so attached to you and to Mal…"
Her voice trailed off. He cleared his throat and met her eyes again, mumbling, "It's not about me… Yeah, I got a lotta shit I don't like ta talk about. But I'm – here. With you. I ain't goin' nowhere, an' I ain't somewhere else in my head. The way I miss her isn't… it's not like I want her back. She left us. Betrayed us. I jus' wanna protect Mal. And Lucy did somethin' that I can't ever protect him from. She left this… emptiness… An' maybe I could explain it ta myself, but I dunno know to explain it ta my kid. To the kid she left behind."
His eyes were searching hers, pleading silently. Begging her to understand. Beth felt a stab of guilt in her chest and realized she was chewing on her bottom lip. She released it and said softly, "You can't protect him from everything, though..." Part of her wanted to ask why he felt that Lucy "betrayed" them, but she didn't quite have the courage to do so right now.
Daryl sighed and glanced away for a second. "I know. But… the picture an' all the stuff around the apartment, it's all just shit I been puttin' off. And it's ended up hauntin' me… Now I got somethin' good with you, Mal sees me with a good woman – it's new territory fer both of us. You said yer tryin' your best – well, so am I. But you gotta be patient with me. We're both in over our heads…"
She gazed back at him with a look of concern.
He quickly added, in a slightly lighter tone, "Ain't so bad, though."
A reluctant smile pulled at one corner of Beth's mouth and she glanced away from him briefly, chewing the inside of her cheek thoughtfully. She was starting to feel guilty again for being so paranoid, so insecure. But she'd needed to hear these things from his own mouth, in all honesty. Otherwise, it would've become another molehill in her mind that eventually grew into a mountain of self-doubt and petty jealousy – or worse, resentment.
Daryl closed his eyes and let out a long breath through his nose. After a few moments of silence, during which they both seemed to be slowly relaxing back into each other, he muttered, "I talked ta Mal a little in the bath… Y'know, he thinks the sun shines outta yer ass. He's jus' got – a lotta questions that I wasn't really prepared for."
She suppressed a giggle but allowed a small smile to form on her lips as she watched him lying next to her with his eyelids resting shut. She asked quietly, "You think he wants us t'be together?"
She saw a smirk tugging at the corner of Daryl's mouth as he replied, "I know he does. But it's, uh – it's my own fault that he don't know the difference. He only knows what he's been told, an' it ain't much. So I gotta tell 'im about her. About his mom. An' I gotta, I dunno… prob'ly show 'im the pictures an' stuff. Maybe we could all sit down together, try ta work it out. Explain what it means now that me an' you are… together."
Beth pursed her lips, listening and watching the stress lines make themselves evident in the shadows of his face. She let his words settle between them, and when he didn't say anything else, she whispered, "I think… he'd really like that."
Daryl opened his eyes and gazed down at her again, his face gradually relaxing. "He would. But what about you?"
She nodded, smiling weakly at him. "I would, too." Then he looked even more relieved.
Whatever light layer of tension had momentarily been between them seemed to dissipate, and once it did, Beth said, "Maybe you could gather all the stuff together, make a memorial for her, or like – somethin' that you can keep until he grows up an' moves out to take it with him," she suggested softly.
The idea wasn't her own – it was what her family had done with her momma's and brother's things, for the most part. Besides the heirlooms that had gone into her daddy's safe, they'd bought two handmade cedar chests from a family friend and stored away all of Shawn's and Annette's most prized, or familiar, possessions in each one. Then they'd tucked them away safely in Shawn's old bedroom, where they could be visited at any time. Beth had spent many hours in that bedroom, sitting on Shawn's old bed and crying into one of her momma's favorite shirts because it still smelled like her. There had even been a week where she'd snuck Shawn's class ring from the cedar chest and slept with it on her finger because he kept appearing in her dreams. He stopped showing up, covered in blood, after the fourth night, but it wasn't until the eighth night that he stopped showing up altogether. And only then did she place the ring back in its safe place inside the cedar chest.
Her heart ached at the thought of what might've become of those chests after the police raided the farmhouse, but she tried to push that thought away just as quickly as it had come.
Daryl sat and thought on her words for a couple minutes, then he grunted and said, "Not a bad idea, actually… Might be somethin' good fer both of us."
She smirked and watched him gazing at the TV, lost in his own head with heavy eyelids threatening to fall shut as he got sleepier and sleepier. He wasn't looking at her, but she leaned up and pressed her lips to his softly, lingering for a few seconds before pulling back and studying his reaction. He was looking at her when she opened her eyes, and a smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. He glanced at her lips, then leaned down and kissed her again. She giggled against his mouth and reached a hand up to gently grasp the back of his neck. His hand had been resting on her hip and he gave it a squeeze.
Their kiss deepened until Beth was pulling back to take in a proper breath and opening her eyes to see Daryl inches away, lips still parted and breathing heavier than normal. He grunted and stole another kiss, then closed his eyes again and let his head lie down to rest against the arm of the couch.
She thought he might be about to pull her close and fall asleep, but then she felt him squeeze her hip again and he opened his eyes to meet her unfocused gaze. He smirked mischievously and she furrowed her brow in question, about to ask him what he was smiling about. Then he mumbled, "So… yer fallin' for me, huh?"
She felt the heat immediately rising to her neck and cheeks and she smiled sheepishly, closing her eyes for a moment to avoid meeting Daryl's gaze. "That's what I said, isn't it?"
He chuckled and she opened her eyes to see that he was watching her with a tired but wistful expression. Then he smirked again and mumbled, "Yeah – ya mean it?"
"Why wouldn't I?" She giggled softly.
He grumbled a barely coherent, "I'ono." But he still had that wistful look in his eyes as he watched her, and she felt the heat returning to her face.
Beth was about to ask him if she was stupid for saying that part aloud, admitting that she was falling for him (even though it was probably pretty obvious anyway). But she decided against it and pursed her lips instead, afraid of sounding like an insecure little girl if she asked for any more reassurance tonight.
Daryl was gazing at her with a more thoughtful expression, and he seemed to notice that she'd decided against saying something. After a long moment with no sounds other than their breathing and the quiet TV, he spoke in a deep, husky voice. "I know it don't matter what I tell ya, 'cause yer stubborn as hell an' you're gonna convince yerself that yer somehow intruding. But I promise, I'm here with you, an' yer not a placeholder – yer my girl… Sorry I got so much bullshit that comes along with bein' with me. But I swear I'm workin' on it."
Beth smiled to herself and leaned in to silently plant a soft kiss on his lips.
When she pulled away, he continued, "Might not believe me, but yer the only woman I've been able ta think about fer the past three weeks. Even when I… went on that date with that Ally chick – you 'member that?"
Beth nodded, her smile growing larger as she watched Daryl closely while he sleepily drawled. His eyes drifted over to gaze tiredly past her.
He licked his lips and sighed softly, then continued, "Even then, I was thinkin' about you the whole time. Didn't mean to, wasn't tryin' to. I felt horrible about it, I really did try ta give the girl a chance… But then she jus' kept bitchin' an' – and pushing me. And… well, all I wanted t'do was come home an' sit on the couch. With you."
She watched him press his lips tightly together and let out a quiet sigh through his nose. Then his eyes drifted back over to hers expectantly, as if he were anticipating her disgust or disappointment. She smiled coyly at him.
She remembered what Sherry had said in the bathroom of the bar, and how Beth knew she'd been right all along: someone like Daryl didn't want to be helped or changed or coddled, he just wanted to be heard. He wanted someone to be there, where he was, with him. Beth hadn't been trying to win him over or get to know him, but she had enjoyed the feeling of another person being there with her, too, in all honesty. And maybe, at the end of the day, it was that silent connection, that shared, unspoken need that had created a tiny string between them. A string that had become shorter and shorter every day, until they found themselves drawn to each other and unable to pull away.
"I'm a real dick," he mumbled, and she furrowed her brow as she recognized the guilt settling in his sleepy eyes.
Her smile faded and she scoffed. "No, you're not... We didn't – you didn't do anything wrong. You're a good man, Daryl Dixon... A really good man. An' if we're bein' honest… I couldn't stop thinkin' about you either."
His eyes flicked downward bashfully, away from hers, and in the dim glow of the TV, she could see his cheeks turning a bit pink. He sighed heavily, like it was uncomfortable to hear what she'd said. But then the ghost of a smile crossed his lips and he mumbled, "Maybe that's what made me like ya so much – when ya tell me how it is. Whether I wanna hear it or not."
Beth giggled softly and Daryl met her gaze again, returning her smile. She said, "If that's what you like, then you could've just dated Carol. Or Rosita. Or – "
He cut her off by pressing his lips to her, still smiling. When he pulled away, he shook his head and rumbled, "Nah. There's somethin' about you, woman… Can't quite put my finger on it, but it's somethin'."
Her heart leapt and she pressed her body closer against his, leaning forward to place a few soft kisses along his stubbly jaw. You have no idea, she thought remorsefully. She kissed a trail up to his earlobe, her lips parted and a dangerous combination of words teetering on the tip of her tongue.
Then she felt him groan quietly in his throat and she quickly swallowed back the words she wanted, so badly, to whisper into his ear.
Not right now, she told herself. Not here. Not yet.
It had been four days since Beth's high school graduation, and she was feeling more unsure of her future than ever. There was no foreseeable plan at the moment, except the plans she'd gotten swallowed up in: getting Det. Lerner and her goons to lay off, and finding Randall's accomplice. Her daddy's plans. And Maggie's. The cops still hadn't let up when it came to lurking around and pestering the Greene's for more information on the murders – and whatever else they were suspicious of. And every day, the temperature got higher, the humidity got thicker, and the tension spread itself out across the whole farm.
Hershel and Maggie had kept Beth busy, for the most part, since school had let out. Otis and Arnold were asking for her help more often, too, and even Patricia was finding chores for her. Though it kept her hands and mind occupied, Beth had noticed that all her chores kept her indoors for the majority of the day. Most importantly, they kept her out of the police's sight. She wasn't oblivious, she was well aware of what was going on. But she wasn't going to argue because every time the cops tried to corner her or ask her questions, her heart would start racing and her lungs would suddenly feel tight. So she wasn't going to complain about remaining low-key for the summer.
She tried to enjoy her small escapes with Jimmy, but something about him was beginning to seem different – in a way that she didn't like. The last few times they'd hung out, she'd been relieved to get home and be away from him. She felt guilty about it, but it was just another thing she wanted to keep off her mind. And the chores helped with that.
It was a Wednesday, and Beth had been done with her daily chores for about an hour. She'd snuck away to her bedroom before Maggie or her daddy had seen her wandering around with nothing to do, and had been lying in bed with a book, enjoying the peace inside the farmhouse. She was also trying to enjoy her last bit of alone time before they had to leave for church, as they did most Wednesday evenings.
When she set her book down and went downstairs to the kitchen, she'd only wanted a glass of water. She hadn't intended to hear whatever Hershel and Otis were talking about. But once she recognized their voices and the ominous tones present, she'd found it too difficult to walk away.
Randall's terrified face was still fresh in her mind. Even though the bloodstain on the barn floor had been scrubbed and hidden away, Beth could still clearly remember that day. Just like she could clearly remember how the Beretta felt in her hand, and how it felt to squeeze the trigger. And it had become her duty to prepare herself, so it only made sense to find out as much as she could, right? It would be nonsensical for her to walk away when she could so clearly hear a very important conversation going on, and Maggie wasn't there to tell her whether she should be listening or not. But she'd have to know eventually anyway… right?
Whatever conclusion Beth came to didn't matter because she wasn't moving. She stood completely still in front of the sink, empty glass grasped in her hand while the other hand rested on the faucet handle. At first, she hadn't really noticed that it was Otis and her daddy. In fact, she'd intended on walking over and pushing the backdoor all the way shut before she headed back upstairs – it was sitting barely open, a tiny crack between the door and the frame. Someone had weakly pulled it shut in a hurry.
But then their voices became clear, drifting into the silent kitchen from the back porch. They were standing just outside the backdoor, and she could see their shadows moving about as they stood before each other, moving their hands and shifting their weight from foot to foot as they talked. They couldn't see her and she couldn't see them, but she could hear them, and if she wanted them to, they could hear her, too.
Beth's ears perked up when she heard Otis's voice say, "But Hershel, we found him. Let the cops have the other one – we can't get too greedy. It's pushin' our luck ta go this far, man."
Her heart immediately sped up because Otis's tone made it sound like a conversation that should be taking place behind the closed door of her daddy's study, and maybe with Maggie and Glenn present to state their opinions.
But Hershel's voice was much calmer and steadier. He sounded like he could be talking about the weather when he said, "Otis, you an' I both know that the police aren't gonna do shit to get justice for Annette and Shawn. You expect me ta sit back, watch them take that man into custody, and hope for the best?"
"Maybe not," Otis said. "But we can't – we don't have the resources for this, is all I'm sayin '."
Beth had noticed how much calmer her daddy had been in the last two weeks, since she'd watched him cut off Randall's hand in the barn. She still wasn't sure what had come of Randall, but she didn't want to know. He was gone and that was all that mattered. Now his accomplice was the new focus, but Hershel was more calculated and confident this time. Either that, or he was far more frantic than he wanted anyone to know, and had finally perfected the art of masking it with self-assurance in order to resume his place as the level-headed backbone of the farm and church. Beth was beginning to think that finding Randall and avenging her momma had been like a baptism of sorts for her daddy, rebirthing him under a new light. But she tried not to think about it – they'd all been at their lowest for nearly two months. And finally, things felt like they were beginning to look up.
Looking back, Beth realized it was more like the euphoric sensation that drowning victims experience before succumbing to death.
Her daddy's voice was still calm and nonchalant as he explained, "I already told you not ta worry about the resources, let me worry about that. We know who this guy is, we know everything we need t'know, you just focus on usin' it ta track him down. I'll take care a the rest."
Otis sighed heavily. His tone was growing more frustrated. "Hershel, don't you think we got bigger problems than trackin' down another one a The Governor's men? It's only gonna bring us more trouble – you got enough ta worry 'bout as it is. I think Jimmy's got himself a new habit, an' between yer daughters – "
Hershel's voice grew deeper and cut Otis off. "Don't talk about my daughters to me right now, Otis. As far as Jimmy's concerned, I got my eye on 'im. Always have. This is bigger than you or me, an' it ain't gonna do anybody any favors if we back down now. I'm not lettin' that man intimidate me."
Beth felt her hands beginning to tremble and she quickly stilled them, setting her empty glass down silently and continuing to listen.
"He's not just another man, though – he's powerful," Otis insisted. "We shoulda never tried ta keep his clients, Hershel, we underestimated everythin' this guy's capable of!"
Hershel hissed a "shh!" at the other man, then said, "Are we having this conversation again? If that's the case, then we need to take this t'my study – "
"No," Otis interrupted, voice lowered. "No, we're not havin' that conversation again. I'm telling you, plain and simple: this will not end well for us, Hershel. We will not win against The Governor. You got a white flag in there somewhere, an' I think it's about time we think about wavin' it. Before the cops close in any farther, before anybody else has ta die, or-or disappear."
Beth could hear her daddy clenching his jaw as he talked. "That's not a choice anymore, Otis. It never was. He's just another man, no matter how powerful. He can be stopped."
Otis's voice was on the verge of frantic. "Not by you!"
There was a sound, like Hershel had stepped firmly forward on the wooden porch. Then he said, "I refuse to let Annette and Shawn die in vain. He wants war, he's got it. Even the most well-trained dog will bite if you back it into a corner long enough – and that's exactly what The Governor doesn't understand. I'm not fighting this alone, and neither are you."
Otis was quick to respond. "'Cept I didn't sign up for this fight. Neither did Patricia – hell, neither did half the people you got involved in this. You ain't thinkin' about us anymore, this is way past anything we gotta do, this is all about what you want. It's all about your personal revenge."
"No, this is about living with some dignity. This is about standing our ground when there's evil knocking at the door. I didn't get into this for me, for my family alone – if it's convenient for you to remember, it was never just my livelihood on the line. I did what I had to, we all did. And now, when we finally have a choice – "
"We agreed t'get in deeper for the money, so we could get out. Not so we could get so fuckin' swallowed up in it all that we can't even leave. This has gotten so far outta control, can't you see – "
"If it wasn't The Governor, it would've been someone else. We owed too many people, we were already in too deep. How is it so easy for you to forget that? As if I chose this, as if this is anything close to what Annette and I wanted."
"I ain't forgotten any a that, Hershel. In fact, I seem ta remember you makin' a lotta promises you ain't been able ta keep. We was s'posed ta be out by now, this was s'posed to have been long over, but you couldn't walk away without takin' a little more for yourself, and none of us agreed to – "
The tone of her daddy's voice sent a cold chill through Beth's bones as he quickly cut Otis off. "Don't you try ta guilt trip me like that. This ain't a goddamned hotel, Otis. It's not just a farm, or a congregation – it's a family. You don't get ta just check in an' then check out when things get difficult. I've never left you all hanging, I've never abandoned you when you needed my help."
"Then how d'you explain T-Dog an' his family?"
"Luck. Pure luck. I took advantage of a good situation – he spent his entire time under the radar, he didn't come in until late. The same can't be said for you or Patricia… I couldn't erase you two like that. I can't erase the things we've done together… I can only try t'conceal them."
Beth felt an icy vine snaking its way up from the bottom of her gut and she had to still her hands again. But she couldn't walk away, couldn't stop listening. This was exactly the kind of confrontation she'd been expecting from Otis or Patricia, watching it build up week after week until one of them had to speak out.
Before Otis could respond, Hershel was continuing, "Is that what this is about? You want out, you think I can somehow protect you and Patricia if you leave?"
Otis sighed, beginning to sound slightly defeated. "It's – we can't condone this stuff anymore. Every day, it gets a little worse. Yeah, we found Randall, but – Jesus, Hershel, what're you plannin' if we find Simon? You gonna cut his head off, make yer kids watch that, too?"
Hershel's voice immediately became angry, and he was straining to keep it lowered. "Don't you dare start pulling that 'holier-than-thou' bullshit on me. Your hands are just as dirty – the way I raise my children has zilch to do with you."
"It does when I'm takin' part in it – in everythin' you do t'keep them quiet, keep 'em safe. Look how far you've gone. Are you proud of this? Are you happy that Beth can't even go ta college for fear of 'er head showin' up on yer – "
"You'll shut your fucking mouth right now, if you know what's good for you, Williams," Hershel snapped, his voice almost a low growl from the anger he was biting back. "Now we can take this up to my study right now, an' you can tell me a little more about how you think I should be raising my daughters – or we can drop it and walk away."
There was a tense silence, and Beth let out a breath that she hadn't realized she'd been holding. The porch creaked beneath the weight of the two men as they shifted in place.
Then Otis replied, much more quietly, "'Bout time for church anyway."
"Yeah," Hershel agreed, voice still edgy. "You go pray on it. We can talk later."
Beth scurried away and out of the kitchen without her glass of water, reaching the stairs just as her daddy opened the backdoor. She rushed up to her bedroom and didn't come out until it was time to leave for church.
She wasn't sure what came of the heated conversation between her daddy and Otis. All she knew was that they shared a lot of tense looks during Wednesday evening service, and she never heard another mention about Otis or Patricia leaving. Or anyone, for that matter.
to be continued…
A/N: Huge thanks to GracieMae11 for all the help she gave me on this particular chapter. I hope y'all like where that went, and I hope you enjoyed the flashback (takes places in early June 2017, btw).
Also: can we talk about that TWD season 9 trailer/special preview? I am SO HERE for more Carol and Daryl scenes, omg I LOVE their platonic relationship, I'm also beyond excited to see Daryl finally getting some fucking lines this season and some more focus on his character. Aaaaand Carzekiel is happening, y'all! YAAAAAS! Just fyi, I would've made Carzekiel happen in this fic but I fucked it up so Tobin was my second favorite guy for Carol. If any of you ever want to discuss this fic or the show, please PM me. I'm officially on vacation all week so I have hella time to chat! Also: reviews are SOOOO appreciated! More reviews = more inspiration = more updates.