you're the reason why i burst and why i bloomed
Beth was nine years old and one of her favorite things about spring and summer was helping Momma plant vegetables and flowers in their little garden. There was something about a sandwich made with lettuce and tomatoes that Beth had planted herself, watered, watched grow, and eventually picked, that just tasted so much better than any other sandwich. And the flowers they'd plant would always bloom so big and colorful, coming out prettier than all its wild counterparts. And Momma always let her do all the fun parts, even when it meant getting her hands and fingernails all black with dirt. Maggie used to help them, but for the last two summers, she'd been too "busy." Momma said that Maggie was a teenager now, and she was growing up and learning to take on more responsibilities. Beth still didn't understand why that meant she didn't have time to grow tomatoes with them.
The air was light and fragrant with the scent of flowers and rich soil. The sun was high in the cloudless sky, shining down on the Greene farm as Beth and Annette got down on their hands and knees in the dirt of the small, fenced-off patch. They were planting some of their favorite spring flowers today. Annette wore gardening gloves but Beth preferred to work bare-handed. Beth was telling her momma some pointless story – maybe about school or about the book she was reading. She couldn't quite remember, but Maggie had appeared behind them and gotten their attention.
"Momma, I'm goin' into town with Daddy an' Shawn," she said, backpack slung over her shoulder.
"Alright, tell your daddy to call me when y'all get there," Annette smiled over her shoulder, gloved hands dug into the black soil before her.
Maggie gave a nod and rushed off in the other direction, towards the house and the driveway. Annette called after her, "Love you!"
"Love you, too!" Maggie called back, jogging farther away and lifting one hand in a brief wave behind her.
Beth watched her big sister disappear into the distance before turning back to her momma, who was chuckling softly and shaking her head. Then she said, "Bethy, please hand me the dahlia seeds."
Beth obliged and dropped her gardening trowel to reach over and grab one of the small, paper packets from the bucket behind her. As she dug through the pile to find the dahlias, she asked, "Momma, why doesn't Maggie wanna grow flowers with us anymore? It's been two summers since she planted her daisies."
Annette took the packet being held out to her and carefully opened it. "I told you, honey, she's gettin' older. She's a teenager now, she doesn't wanna spend as much time with her old momma. She's gotta go out and spread her wings. Just like you will one day."
Beth raised her eyebrows, watching as her mother carefully distributed seeds into the small holes she'd dug in the soil. "But… I don't think I ever will. I'll always wanna garden with you."
Annette chuckled and glanced over at her small daughter, smiling. "You're such a sweet girl. But things change. You'll get older, you'll want different things. That's just part of growin' up. It's okay, though – I'll always be your momma."
Beth pursed her lips and watched her mother carefully covering the seeds with soil. She looked back down to the row of small holes she'd dug in front of herself, but she was no longer thinking about what seeds she would place inside. "But… I don't think I wanna grow up."
Annette laughed softly, continuing to cover the seeds. "You say that now, but in just a few years, you'll be insisting you're old enough to make all your own decisions."
Beth frowned and began digging through the bucket of seed packets again, deciding on what she wanted to plant. "Maggie don't know nothin'. She thinks she's so smart, but – sometimes, she's just a jerk."
"Hey," her momma said, furrowing her brow and giving Beth a stern look. "Don't talk about your sister like that. We all have our flaws. But she's the only sister you have. You need to cherish her."
Beth scoffed, pulling out a packet of daisy seeds. "She's only my half-sister. That means I only have ta half cherish her."
Annette frowned deeply and stopped what she was doing to look at her daughter. Beth immediately regretted saying it – she'd known it was wrong when Shawn had said it one day. She should've known better than to repeat it. Her momma's stern look made her feel two inches tall.
"There is no half in this family, Bethany," her momma said firmly. "We are family. Period. That's your only sister, and Shawn is your only brother. Maggie is just as much my daughter as you are."
Beth's face fell and she looked down to the seed packet in her dirty hands. "Sorry, Momma…"
Annette pursed her lips and turned back to her work, continuing with her planting. Then she said, "Took five years before Maggie wanted ta call me mom. Or listen to me. She hated my guts when I married your daddy, and she didn't speak to me nearly the whole time I was pregnant with you… But look at her now. We grew to love each other… Your daddy an' I made our two broken families into one, whole family. Full of love, just like it should be."
Beth's mouth pulled upward in a small smile as she carefully distributed her seeds into the soil and listened to her momma talk. She'd already heard this story several times, about how Maggie didn't take well to Hershel remarrying after Maggie's mom passed away. Especially to a woman who was so much younger and already had an infant son. But Beth was too young to really remember any of the discourse. By the time she was old enough to remember, Maggie had grown quite fond of Annette and Shawn.
"Everybody grows, Bethy," Annette said softly, and Beth looked over to see her mother inspecting a seed pinched between two gloved fingers. "Like these seeds we're planting. People are kinda like seeds."
Beth furrowed her brow, her little mind working to try to make sense of her mother's metaphor. "What d'you mean?"
Annette looked over at her daughter and smiled, placing the seed in the palm of her other gloved hand and pointing to it as she gently explained, "We all start out really small, but full of almost everything we need t'grow to our full potential. And if we get put in the right soil, with the nourishment and support we need, we can bloom into our most beautiful selves."
A smile worked its way onto Beth's face as she watched her momma's soft eyes light up while she talked. Then she watched Annette gently place the seed into the last little hole she'd dug in the soil, and as she slowly covered it with dirt, she looked over at Beth.
"And when we're seeds, life can be confusing. It can be tough, 'cause things change, an' sometimes you don't like the change," Annette continued, pushing over the last bit of soil and patting it down gently with her fingers. "It's dark under all that soil, and it can be scary. But you have to remember: when you feel scared, when you feel unsure, or like you're in the dark… When you feel buried, that just means you're planted."
Beth's heart fluttered a little and she smiled wider, watching her momma with admiration. Annette's wavy, brown hair peeked out from beneath her sunhat, shining in the afternoon sunlight.
"And then… you bloom into a pretty flower. Right?" Beth asked.
Annette grinned and nodded, chuckling softly. "That's right, baby girl."
After Daryl and Malachi's long talk on Monday night, the toddler seemed to feel better about the situation in their small apartment. He didn't have any more random outbursts directed at Beth or Daryl, though he did still have occasional toddler moments. Daryl seemed more at ease, too, and he and Beth had spent every evening, after Mal's bedtime, cuddling together on the couch.
On Tuesday evening, they all sat together in the living room and colored pictures with crayons and markers. Beth added a second drawing by Mal to the wall above her bed, and he insisted on keeping the drawing she'd done for him, as well. Then Daryl and Beth sat down together and helped Mal read through the first half of a Dr. Seuss book before switching to their usual routine of Harry Potter chapters until bedtime.
She didn't bring up the subject of Lucy or his talks with Mal, and Daryl didn't bring it up either. But she noticed the slight difference in both boys, and she knew they were privately talking about Lucy a little bit every night. She also noticed that the photo beside Daryl's bed was still turned over, but there was a new photo taped above Mal's bed – one she'd never seen before, of his mother holding baby Malachi shortly after giving birth to him. Lucy's face was beaming with joy. A few inches to the right of the photo, Mal had taped up the drawing that Beth had made for him.
Since reading Jenny Jones' latest article, Beth had returned to adamantly checking all the news sites every few hours. The thought of all her daddy's secrets, the death penalty, and those goddamn college applications kept haunting her. The only time she could really shake them was when she was with Daryl and Malachi. At night, lying next to Daryl, she struggled to quiet her mind. She began saying a silent prayer for her family – and for Jenny Jones – before she fell asleep each night. She wasn't sure if it would do any good, but it certainly made her feel a little better.
On Wednesday evening, when Daryl got home from work, he entered the apartment with Mal and Carol both in tow. And once they sent the toddler down the hall to the bedroom, Carol and Daryl briefly discussed Mal's day and his recent behavior. Beth was relieved to hear that Mal had lightened up with his questions to Carol, and that Carol thought what Daryl was doing would be good for both of them in the long run. Then Carol reminded Beth that her follow-up appointment with Dr. Dana was the next day, and they made plans to meet up in the morning and take the bus to the clinic.
Beth spent another normal evening with the boys. They ate dinner and cleaned up before playing card games together. Beth and Daryl tried their best to teach Mal the rules of a few different games, but he only had the patience for Go Fish. After they put him to bed, Daryl and Beth cuddled on the couch, whispering and quietly laughing with each other, sharing stories and jokes and inner thoughts while half-watching a movie. They retired to Beth's bed for a few hours, but when she woke up, Daryl had moved to his own room. She went back to sleep, but it was restless and uncomfortable.
On Thursday morning, she woke up with the boys and helped Daryl make coffee and breakfast. When they were done eating, Daryl took Mal across the hall to Carol's and then left for work. Beth showered and got ready for the day before grabbing what she needed – phone, sunglasses, a little cash – and heading out the door, locking up behind her and walking over to apartment 3B. She was a few minutes early, but Carol appeared to be ready when she answered the door.
Mal was sitting in the living room, watching Paw Patrol with an array of toys spread out on the floor before him. Carol instructed him to pick up his things and get ready to leave while she walked around and gathered her purse and Mal's small backpack. A few minutes later, the three of them were leaving apartment 3B and descending the three flights of stairs to the lobby, reaching the front door and stepping out into the bright sunlight. The day was quickly growing hot, and Beth was glad she hadn't worn her jacket.
Mal chatted happily while they walked to the bus stop, asking where they were going and expressing his excitement that "Rosie" was with them. Carol told him they were going to the Bronx to run an errand and Mal squealed with delight.
"I wuv the Bronx!" He declared. "Can we get lunch there?"
Carol chuckled and nodded. "Sure – if you behave yourself. Remember our rules for when we go out in public."
"Okay, okay!" Mal grinned.
The bus approached and they boarded, swiping Metro cards and finding empty seats toward the back. When it began moving, Carol opened up her purse and dug out a small iPad and some earbuds, handing them to Mal. He thanked her and put the earbuds in his ears, then sat back and began playing with the tablet computer. Within seconds, he was completely silent and focused on his game, tapping the screen while his tongue stuck out of his mouth in concentration.
"I kinda hate those things, but it keeps him occupied on long trips," Carol said, leaning back into her seat and looking over at Beth.
Beth nodded and glanced at Mal, who was oblivious to their conversation. "Whatever works."
Carol smiled and turned to gaze out the window for a moment. Beth gazed off toward the front of the bus, watching people through her sunglasses. As usual, no one was giving her a second glance. She was still grateful, but she couldn't stop wondering how long it would last. Should she take advantage of how invisible she still was before it all changed?
Carol's voice brought her back to the present, asking, "So, how have you been feeling?"
Beth turned her head to meet Carol's eyes, putting on a small smile. "Pretty good." All things considered, she thought.
Carol raised her eyebrows expectantly. "No, I mean – with everything."
Beth shrugged and reassured her, "Yeah, pretty good. Honestly. There's still some stuff, some thoughts, I guess. But I don't feel so… alone anymore." She didn't even have to lie for this one.
A smile slowly formed on Carol's face. "That's good to hear. You know, I'm always across the hall. If you ever feel like talking."
Beth nodded, giving a tight-lipped smile. "I know." You probably just want me to spill all my secrets so you can warn Daryl that I'm trouble, though, she thought. Then she immediately felt guilty for thinking that way, because she knew that Carol really did care and mean well.
There was a long pause, then Carol asked, a little quieter, "You and Daryl abstained for two weeks – right?"
Beth blushed and glanced away to gaze toward the front of the bus again. "Yeah, of course."
Carol nodded, pressing her lips together. "Just making sure. Dana's gonna ask you the same thing, most likely."
Beth let out a deep breath through her nose and nodded stiffly, turning her head to look out the window instead. As they drove through neighborhoods and stopped every couple of miles to let people on and off, she noticed that Halloween decorations had begun to pop up all over the city in the last week. She thought about how the farm back in Georgia would be bare and undecorated for the first time in nearly twenty years. There was a faint aching in her chest.
Carol's lowered voice interrupted her train of thought again, and she turned her attention back to the older woman. "Have you put any thought into the Pill situation? She'll probably push more samples on you, too, just t'be safe."
Beth shrugged and replied quietly, "Sorta. I don't really wanna do the Pill. I figured I'd talk to her about the um, other options. When I see her."
Carol nodded and gave a reassuring smile. "I think that's a good idea."
Beth glanced over at Mal, who was still focused completely on the iPad in his hands. He occasionally grunted or made sounds of frustration as he played, but he didn't tear his eyes away from the screen for a second.
They passed over the East River on the Tri Borough Bridge, just like the last time they'd come to the Bronx. Carol was gazing out the window again, watching the miles of water pass beneath them, and Beth was doing the same. But she was thinking about where her head had been two weeks prior, and how much had changed since then. She was still mentally reeling from trying to process how quickly everything had happened. Was it really possible that it had only been one month since she'd watched her family dragged away in handcuffs? On the other hand – had it already been an entire month? She knew she needed to be patient, that Jesus had given her a general timeframe. But she couldn't shake her slight disappointment, remembering how she'd thought she would be well away from American borders by now.
She glanced at Carol hesitantly, watching the older woman gaze out the window. She was silently itching to ask Carol what she knew – there was an impulsive urge to bring up what she'd said the other day. But the more she thought about it, the more she was sure that she'd just been hearing things. It would only make her look more suspicious if she brought it up, pointed it out, asked about it. She had to remind herself to remain seemingly oblivious; to look as innocent as possible at all times.
Besides, what was the likelihood that Carol had any idea who Beth really was? How would she have even found out?
Before long, the bus was approaching their stop, and Carol began coaxing Mal into gathering up the iPad and putting it away. He agreed without argument and when they reached their stop, the three of them got up together and left the bus, the toddler's hand grasped tightly in Carol's. They quickly found their way to their second bus stop, and as soon as they'd sat down, Carol pulled the iPad from her purse once more and handed it to Mal while he reached out eagerly for it.
They sat and waited for their next bus, a handful of other people lingering around them, waiting for the same bus. Carol peered down at the screen of the iPad in Mal's hand, watching as he played, and Beth pulled out her phone just to have something to do. She reflexively went through the news sites, checking them all for updates on her case. Of course, there was nothing. She made sure to keep the screen of her phone tilted away from Carol's line of vision, nonetheless.
As she absent-mindedly scrolled through political headlines on the CNN website, Carol spoke, and Beth looked over at her. "That's a pretty bracelet – is that new?"
Beth glanced down at her left wrist and the cross bracelet from Daryl. She immediately smiled when she thought of how he'd given it to her, and she replied, "Thanks. Yeah, it is – um, Daryl actually got it for me. He said it… reminded him of me."
She was blushing now but Carol was smiling softly, gazing at the bracelet again with a slightly different expression. She raised her eyebrows and met Beth's eyes. "He did? How sweet of him… Well, he really is smitten with you, huh?"
Beth smirked, still blushing, and shrugged bashfully. "Yeah, I guess so."
A couple seconds of awkward silence passed and she could feel another question coming. Thankfully, the bus was rumbling down the street toward them, and they stood up to wait for its arrival. Then they boarded, the two women finding empty seats together with room for Mal, who was still distracted with his iPad as Carol carried him through the slightly crowded vehicle.
The second bus ride was shorter, and it seemed to fly by while Beth reminisced about the past few nights with Daryl, beginning to think about the upcoming camping trip again. There was a flutter in her stomach at the idea of sleeping with him for the first time after two weeks of not much more than cuddling and kissing. She knew she'd absolutely have to decide on a permanent birth control option today.
Even though she felt a pang of guilt for worrying about something so trivial when she should be worrying about hiding from the law and the media. Then again, things were bound to get a little convoluted during a five-month waiting period; it felt like she was hanging in limbo, constantly waiting for something she wasn't entirely sure was coming.
I just have to be patient, she reminded herself, thinking of Jesus and what he'd told her weeks ago. All she could really do was try to prevent any other problem that might occur, like the one that Jimmy had left her with.
She trailed behind Carol and Mal as they all got off the bus together, walking side-by-side down the sidewalk while Mal chatted animatedly, pointing out all his favorite features of the Bronx now that his iPad was tucked away. Within minutes, the familiar sign came into view: Sanctuary Women's Clinic. Carol pointed it out and asked Mal to read it, though he struggled. She helped him pronounce the letters while they approached the front door. As she pulled open the door and let Beth enter first, he was still trying to work it out, "Sank-two-airy."
The clinic was already decorated for Halloween – there were cartoon bat, ghost, and pumpkin decals stuck to the front door and windows, and inside, there were "cobwebs" and toy spiders hung in the corners of the room, with more cartoon ghosts and bats stuck to the walls. There was a full-size, plastic skeleton in the corner of the room, dressed in a witch's hat and robe, which Mal quickly pointed out with a laugh. And hanging above the "Authorized Entrance Only" door was a decorative sign that read: Enter If You Dare. Beth couldn't help but to be reminded of how her momma would decorate back home. That aching in her chest appeared again. The TV in the corner of the room was playing the movie Beetlejuice at a low volume. She smiled to herself when she saw the toy sign hanging above the thick glass of the front desk that read: Please Don't Feed The Witch.
After checking in with the woman sitting behind the thick glass of the front desk, Carol and Beth led Mal to an empty row of seats in the corner of the waiting room. Carol pulled the iPad and earbuds out again and handed them to the toddler, who quickly occupied himself and forgot about the boring waiting room. She picked up one of the magazines from the nearby table and began flipping through it while Beth peered around the room curiously, looking at all the decorations that had been added since she'd last visited.
"You think she likes Halloween?" Beth asked with a smirk, looking over at Carol.
Carol gazed back at Beth from over the magazine in her hands, smiling and chuckling quietly. "You could say that."
A few minutes later, a nurse appeared from behind the door that led to the exam rooms and called "Rosie's" name. Beth stood up and gave one last glance to Carol, who smiled reassuringly in return. Then Beth followed the nurse through the door and down the hall to an exam room (all of which were just as decorated for Halloween as the waiting room), where she was given a paper gown and instructed to strip from the waist down and wait. She did so after the nurse left the room, and it was only a few minutes before there was a knock on the door. Beth called out and Dr. Dana entered, a pleasant smile on her face and a clipboard in her hand. She also wore a handful of decorative Halloween pins on her white lab coat to accompany her usual silver name badge.
"Good to see you again, Rosie," she greeted, walking over to the small desk against the wall and taking a seat on the little, round stool in front of it.
"You, too," Beth smiled, feeling nervous even though she wasn't sure why. The hard part was already done, this would be easy. As she watched the doctor scribbling something down, Beth added, "I like your Halloween decorations. You really went all out."
She saw Dr. Hatfield smile and lift her eyes to meet Beth's, pen paused in her hand. "Oh, thanks! Halloween is my favorite holiday – drives some of the nurses crazy. Especially my receptionist. She hates that sign above her desk, but we all just think it's hilarious."
Beth laughed, smiling and feeling her anxiety beginning to melt away as she was reminded of how kind and understanding Dr. Dana had been last time. "I saw that – I thought it was funny, too."
Dr. Hatfield smiled and glanced down at her chart, eyes skimming over it as she made a quick scribble. Then she looked up and gazed at Beth with a more serious expression, studying her as she asked, "So, how have you been?"
Beth nodded. "Good. I mean – a lot better."
The doctor raised her eyebrows expectantly. "Mentally? Emotionally?"
Beth paused, then nodded again and spoke with a fair amount of confidence. "I definitely don't feel nearly as hopeless as I did the first time I was here." She wasn't about to lie to a doctor.
Dr. Dana smiled, recognizing the tone in Beth's voice. "Right – not everything is going to be fixed in just two weeks," she said. "But so far, it sounds like they're going the way they should. I'm happy to hear it. And the rest of your tests all came back negative, though I wasn't really worried about that. Have you had any issues, complications, side effects? Anything of concern?"
Beth shook her head. "No, I don't think so."
The doctor scribbled something else down, then asked, "You finished all the antibiotics? The bleeding stopped? The pain went away? All your pregnancy symptoms have mostly disappeared?"
Beth nodded to each question. "Yeah, I took the last pill yesterday. An' I feel pretty much normal again." As normal as I can get, she added silently.
"Great," Dr. Dana smiled, voice lifting cheerfully. Then she raised her eyebrows and looked into Beth's eyes with intent as she asked, "And you've abstained from sex this whole time, right? And baths and swimming and whatever else?"
Beth smiled bashfully and tried to suppress the heat that was rising to her cheeks, nodding. "Yeah, of course."
Dr. Dana arched an eyebrow, lips pursed and pen paused over the clipboard.
Beth returned the look, smile fading. "Seriously. I did."
Then Dr. Hatfield smiled and nodded. "I know, I was just messing with you. I can tell you're smart. Now, on that note, let's discuss birth control. Have you done any research, or did you try the samples I sent?"
For the next few minutes, Beth explained what kinds of options she'd researched (when she wasn't scouring news sites over the past few days, she'd been looking into all the details of birth control options), asked about side effects, and mentioned her uncertainty of where she would be and what she might want in the next few months, let alone the next five or ten years. Dr. Dana nodded and smiled in understanding, answering all of Beth's questions and attempting to reassure her. Then she recommended some other choices, and by the time they were ready to do the pelvic exam, Beth had decided to forego the pills and opt for a birth control patch.
When the exam was over and Beth was sitting in her paper gown, Dr. Hatfield assured her that she'd healed properly and everything appeared normal. Then she stood and tucked the clipboard beneath her arm, explaining that she would go grab her prescription pad and some samples while Beth cleaned up and got dressed.
A few minutes later, Beth was sitting on the edge of the exam table, fully dressed again and waiting for the doctor to return. Dr. Dana entered the room after a brief knock, walking over and handing Beth a small, brown paper bag. She explained that it was a couple handfuls of patch samples as she went to the small desk and laid out her prescription pad, scribbling something down and ripping the top piece of paper off to hand it to Beth. She then explained that she was putting the prescription in Carol's name, so that she could fill it for "Rosie," and then she wouldn't have to worry about birth control for at least another year.
Beth sat on the table, legs dangling over the edge, and gazed down at the small piece of paper in one hand and the brown paper bag in the other. A part of her still couldn't believe that the nightmare Jimmy had left her with was finally over. Well, except for the terrifying memories and the haunting nightmares. Now she just had to make sure that she never repeated those mistakes.
After a thorough discussion about how to properly use her new birth control and some assistance with her first application, as well as a stern reminder to return someday soon for a Pap smear (definitely not doing that, Beth thought), she expected Dr. Hatfield to say goodbye and send her on her way, or leave the room. But she didn't. Instead, the doctor walked over and took a seat on the little stool again, facing Beth. She folded her hands in her lap and gave a warm smile.
"So, how is everything else?" She asked.
Beth raised her eyebrows, gazing back at Dr. Dana incredulously. "Um, good…"
"I don't mean the physical stuff. I mean mentally. Emotionally. Is there anything you need to get out? I know it's not all going to be okay, but do you truly feel… better?" The doctor elaborated, smile fading as she studied Beth.
Beth pressed her lips tightly together and nodded, eyes flicking toward the floor momentarily. "Yeah. No, I get it. I'm okay. I really do – I think I'm… gettin' there."
Dr. Dana's mouth formed a small smile again and she nodded. "That's right. I think we're all 'getting there.' As long as we're getting somewhere, though."
Beth swallowed hard, beginning to feel scrutinized beneath the fluorescent lights.
Dr. Hatfield hesitated, pausing like she was giving Beth a chance to speak again. Then she said gently, "You still have my info?" Beth nodded. "Okay, well my line is always available if you need someone. Don't forget that. Wherever you think you may end up in the next few years. My number doesn't change, and I'm not going anywhere. Once a patient, always a patient."
Beth felt a pang of guilt and wasn't sure why. She nodded stiffly and attempted her best smile. She was fighting hard to suppress the strangest urge to burst into tears at the moment. But she managed to choke out, "Okay. Thank you, Doctor."
Beth walked through the Bronx neighborhoods with Carol and Mal, both women holding either of the toddler's hands. He excitedly pointed out all the sights and asked questions, but Beth mostly kept to herself and gazed around through her dark sunglasses. She had shown Carol the prescription on their way out of the clinic, and the older woman agreed to take them to a nearby pharmacy to get it filled before they found somewhere to have lunch.
There was a small pharmacy about a block away, and Beth kept Mal occupied near a display of toys while Carol went to the counter and got Beth's prescription filled. Less than fifteen minutes later, they were on their way out the door and back on the sidewalk, and the small paper bag in Beth's hand had become just a little bit heavier. Carol explained that they were walking to a Dominican restaurant a few blocks away, and then they would backtrack to the bus stop to head home. Mal squealed excitedly at the prospect of food, and the granola bar that Carol had given him in the waiting room of the clinic was apparently long forgotten.
It was barely past noon when they entered a small restaurant, the exterior appearing no different than the numerous other delis, markets, and bodegas along the sidewalk. It was larger when they walked inside, the floor made of black-and-white tile with a half-dozen or so tables and booths against the walls, about half of them filled with patrons for lunch. There was a counter at the far end to the left with a small line of people waiting in front of it, and the smell of food wafted all throughout. It was a mixture of all kinds of smells Beth didn't recognize, though it was quick to make her mouth water. The small diner reminded her of some of the old-fashioned restaurants she'd eaten in with her father when she was little, back in Georgia, when he'd take her out to run errands with him. But when they sat down at a table and began looking over menus, she quickly realized that the food served here was pretty much nothing like anything she'd eaten back home.
All the signs outside and inside the small establishment were in Spanish, with English in smaller font beneath. Beth looked over the menu while Mal and Carol discussed their food options, and a few minutes later, a server arrived with their drinks and asked for their food orders. Nearly every dish came with rice, and Beth wound up ordering a meal that came with plantains – which she'd admittedly never tried before. Though a lot of the menu appeared to be fried, and that comforted her when it came to choosing something. If growing up in the South had left her with anything, it was an undying love for fried foods and the comfort that they brought.
The server had brought over a small placemat and crayons for Mal to color with, and he quickly became engrossed in his newest masterpiece while jabbering about nearly every little thing that crossed his mind. Carol nodded and answered all his questions with patience, and when he finally grew bored and quieted down, she turned her attention to Beth.
"Did the check-up go well?" Carol asked, smiling politely as she absent-mindedly fiddled with a couple of Mal's crayons lying on the table.
Beth nodded, hands resting in her lap as she ran a finger over the cool metal of the cross on her wrist. "Yeah. She said everything was good, and the patches she gave me should last me for like, a year."
"Good," Carol said. "I know it feels good t'finally be all done with that whole thing."
"Yeah, definitely," Beth agreed, taking a small sip from the water glass in front of her.
"Did you tell him?" Carol asked, eyes flicking to Mal momentarily to assure that the toddler was still engrossed in his coloring, alluding to Daryl without saying his name aloud. Then she gave Beth a meaningful look and elaborated, "Everything you told me…?"
Beth nodded. She looked down at the tabletop awkwardly, one hand still wrapped around her glass of water, briefly thinking back on when she told Daryl about the pregnancy Jimmy had left her with. "Yeah, um… he basically told me the same thing that… you did."
"I wouldn't have expected anything else," Carol said. "I dunno if it means more hearing it from him, but I can assure you, he only said it because he means it. And because it's true."
Beth nodded, lips pursed as she avoided Carol's scrutinizing gaze. Then she muttered, "Yeah. I s'pose."
Carol could sense Beth's apprehension to delve into the topic any farther, though, and quickly changed the subject. "You excited for the camping trip? Sounds like you guys will have a lotta fun."
A small smile tugged at the corners of Beth's mouth as she thought about the upcoming trip, and getting far away from the city and all the people for a couple of days. She nodded and met Carol's eyes again, replying, "Yeah, really excited. It's been ages since I've been camping."
Carol took a sip of her Coke and asked, "You've probably never been to the Catskills, huh?"
Beth shook her head. "Nope. It'll be my first time."
"It's beautiful up there," Carol said. "And so quiet. You're gonna love it."
A few seconds later, the food arrived, and the server laid out three plates on the table. They all thanked him and began digging into their food as he walked away. Mal immediately forgot about his placemat and crayons, eagerly grabbing one of the boneless, fried chicken chunks and taking a bite. Carol had ordered a plate of fried pork and rice, and Beth's mouth began to water just looking down at her own plate of roasted chicken, rice, and fried plantains. They all grew quiet as they ate – except for Mal, who was loudly enjoying his food and had to be scolded for talking with his mouth full at least three times.
Beth was mostly focused on the new, savory tastes she was experiencing, stifling her laughter at Mal's outbursts. It seemed that getting some food in their bellies worked to improve everyone's moods, and lighten whatever tension might've been lingering between the two women. Beth quickly decided that she liked plantains, and she began thinking about how she could include some in dinner sometime for Daryl and Mal. She wondered if Daryl would even like them, but then she figured he'd probably had them before, considering how long he'd been living in the city. She made a mental note to ask him sometime.
She felt Carol glancing at her, and got the sense that another series of curious questions was looming around the corner. Since the odd feeling she'd had about Carol knowing something more than she was saying, Beth had grown just a little more anxious each time the older woman tried to start a conversation. When was she going to confront Beth? When was she going to bring up whatever she knew, or interrogate Beth about it? Was she waiting until Mal wasn't present?
Or maybe she didn't know anything. Maybe it was just the paranoia again, combined with the odd interactions Beth had had with Tobin. Maybe it was all in her head, and she was once again making something out of nothing. She was still almost certain that she'd simply misheard Carol, because there was just no plausible way that the other woman would know "Rosie's" real name - let alone that she'd slip up and nearly call her by it.
But then Beth started to wonder… if Carol really did slip up that easily, and had somehow kept something so major to herself, then maybe Beth could flip the script on her. Maybe she could be the one to ask "casual" questions, try to start a conversation. Maybe it would reveal some sort of tell-tale sign or clue that could assure Beth she was being paranoid… or not. Plus, she still couldn't shake the feeling that Tobin was someone to worry about, and she wanted to grasp at any chance to find out more about him without having to talk to him directly.
If nothing else, it would keep the subject of conversation away from Beth and Daryl's personal life, and it would hopefully keep Beth from having to form any more lies on the spot.
"So you and Tobin are gettin' away for the weekend, too?" She said, paused with the fork held in her hand as she watched Carol chewing a bite of pork and meeting her gaze. "You said you're gonna visit his family?"
Carol nodded, smiling and taking a quick sip of Coke to wash down her food. Then she replied, "Yeah, Charlie's really close with her grandparents an' Tobin always spends the weekend at their house for their anniversary. I kinda thought it'd be nice for me an' Sophia to get outta the city for a couple days."
Beth chewed and swallowed a small bite of rice, studying Carol's face as she talked. The older woman looked almost wistful, content as she talked about Tobin and his daughter.
Well, Daryl's not the only one that's "smitten" with someone new, Beth thought.
Then she asked, as casually as she could manage, "What'd you say it's called – Westchester? Isn't he from Virginia?"
Carol's smile flickered and she nodded curtly, glancing down at her plate to stab her fork into a piece of meat. "Yeah, Westchester. It's not far away. His parents moved there after they retired. But um, he grew up in some small town in Virginia. Moved to the city shortly before Charlie was born, I believe."
Then why did he look at me like he knew me from somewhere? Beth wanted to ask. But she didn't.
"Oh, cool," she mumbled, unsure of how else to pry without seeming like she was prying. And if she asked too many questions, Carol would just ask her questions in return, and it'd turn into another therapy session. So she quickly stuffed a large bite of rice into her mouth and looked down at her plate.
The older woman made another casual comment, "He's a small town guy at heart – kind of a homebody. Spends almost all his free time reading. An' he reads just about anything."
Before Beth had the chance to muster up enough courage and ask Carol to elaborate on what exactly that was supposed to mean, Mal interjected, "Tobin is tall! Um, Carol um, I'm full. An' I gotta pee."
Carol set down her fork and quickly helped to wipe off his face and hands before leading him to a door at the other end of the establishment labelled "Restrooms." Beth sat alone at the table, pushing around the last few bites of her chicken while thinking about just how much she didn't know about Tobin. She certainly hadn't missed the slight difference that his introduction had brought about. And Carol could probably see right through her anyway, like she always did – Beth was almost willing to bet that Tobin had somehow given Carol the last puzzle piece she needed or something. Beth realized she didn't even know what the guy did for a living – he could be some kind of reporter, maybe like Jenny Jones. Or, if he "reads" a lot, maybe he was an author, like true crime or investigations? Was it possible that he knew exactly who Beth was, recognized her and pointed it out to Carol?
And then what – he kept the secret this whole time? And so did she? Beth asked herself, scoffing quietly and shaking her head as she moved lukewarm pieces of rice around her plate with the fork. They would never… If they knew, they would call the police and turn me in. They'd step in to protect Daryl and Mal. I'd have been arrested by now.
She was in a constant battle with herself. Carol and Tobin and so many other things set her nerves on edge and made her question everything around her. But then if she thought about it long enough, questioned it more thoroughly, she'd start to feel insane. She had a way of talking herself in and out of the same holes over and over again. Convincing herself that she was paranoid and then turning around to question if she was being too careless at the same time.
Carol and Mal returned a few minutes later, and it seemed that they were just as done eating as Beth. They all gathered their things together, and Carol took Mal to wait outside the door while Beth made her own trip to the restroom. On her way out, she slipped a large tip for the server under one of their empty plates on the table, then pushed her sunglasses higher up on her nose and left the small restaurant to join Carol and Mal on the sidewalk.
On the trip home, between the brief walks to the bus stops and the two long rides on crowded buses, Mal spent most of his time playing with the iPad while his eyelids drooped lower and lower. Carol didn't attempt to make casual conversation again, and neither did Beth. They both seemed tired from their excursion and focused on getting back to the East Village quickly. The older woman mostly kept an eye on Mal while half-heartedly reading a paperback novel from her purse, making comments here and there about how the toddler would be more than ready for his nap by the time they got home. And Beth discreetly checked the news sites again, then forced herself to stuff the phone away in her pocket and observe the people around her instead.
When they stepped off their last bus, the trio walked at a leisurely pace down the sidewalk toward the apartment building. Mal was walking much slower than usual and asking very few questions, tiny hand loosely held in Carol's. The older woman pointed to some of the buildings and businesses as they walked, throwing out interesting facts and mini history lessons. Beth didn't hate it, and while she listened to Carol talk, she gazed around at the buildings and down at Mal. She was silently thankful that the toddler had come along, because she was pretty sure that he was most of the reason Carol had been so quiet and discreet during their excursion. Neither of them knew what kind of things he would pick up on or ask about, or repeat later on. It certainly helped Beth to watch what she spoke about when he was around. Or maybe Daryl had said something to Carol to make her back off?
Doubtful, Beth thought. Maybe she's just waiting for a better time…
Despite her better judgment, Beth allowed herself to begin feeling slightly comfortable in Carol's presence. It helped that they were nearly back to the apartment building, and that meant that Beth would have an easy way out if Carol began to get preachy. But for now, she relaxed and smiled, listening to Carol talk and watching Mal toddle down the sidewalk between them. How much longer could she walk out in the open like this, in broad daylight with nothing more than sunglasses hiding her face? Even though she knew she wasn't really free yet, she felt free, in a way. Like she had to appreciate it even more to make up for Daddy, Maggie, and Glenn.
The lobby of the apartment building was empty when they walked through, and Carol said hello to the only tenant that they passed on the walk up. When they reached the hallway, Beth moved to walk toward the door to apartment 3A while Carol and Mal were walking toward 3B. But before Beth could get out the "thanks for taking me, I'll see you tomorrow" that she had prepared, Carol was stopping in front of the door to 3B and giving Beth a quizzical look.
"Aren't you coming in?" Carol asked.
Beth stood frozen, her goodbyes still sitting on the tip of her tongue. "Oh – um, I guess…"
Carol gestured toward the apartment door and said, "I was gonna make some tea. Don't you want some?"
Beth shrugged, feeling awkward as she stood in the middle of the hallway. Carol unlocked the front door and pushed it open, guiding Mal inside and then stepping aside to give Beth an expectant look. The fear of being rude quickly overshadowed the fear of another lecture, and Beth silently shuffled into apartment 3B behind Mal. She told herself she could accept a mug of tea and then leave.
The inside of Carol and Sophia's apartment smelled like fresh linen with a hint of something recently baked, as it normally did. After unloading her and Mal's things, Carol went to the kitchen and prepared the tea kettle while Mal asked "Rosie" a dozen questions pertaining to what she thought about the Bronx, asking if she liked it as much as he did. Once Carol had the water boiling and managed to settle Mal down, with some help from Beth, she got him ready for naptime and took him to the bedroom.
Beth set down her little paper bag on the countertop and took a seat at the bar of the kitchen, trying not to get too settled in as she thought about the last time she'd been in this spot, when she'd allowed Carol to open her up and shrink her head. She didn't need that, especially now. She had enough guilt to bear, and she already knew what she needed to do when it came to Daryl and Mal. She didn't need someone constantly pestering her about it. Or prying into the situation. And as for the rest of her problems – well, even if this woman somehow knew more than she should, there was no way she knew everything. So there was no way she could give Beth any kind of advice that would really help right now.
While she waited for Carol to return from putting Mal down for his nap, she pulled out her phone and checked the news sites for updates once again. That constant pain in her gut had returned and even though a part of her had gotten what she wanted when Jenny Jones posted a new article, all the other parts of her were set on edge. Like she could feel the storm coming in her bones, but she couldn't pinpoint where it would be coming from.
Was anyone paying attention to Mrs. Jones? Or to the Greenes' case? The headlines said no, but Beth couldn't shake off how unsettling it had been to read about the "dozens" of tips that Jenny Jones had been sent after posting her first article. And now Beth could only begin to imagine how many more tips the journalist would be getting after that whopper of a follow-up piece. What if one of those tips happened to lead them right to Beth?
She made a mental note to give Dale and Irma a call soon. She'd received a text message from them a few days ago, but she needed to reassure herself that they were still oblivious. And safe.
Carol returned a few minutes later, just in time to catch the kettle as it began to whistle. Beth put her phone away and watched silently as the older woman hummed to herself and prepared two mugs of tea. The TV wasn't on in the living room, so the apartment was nearly silent except for the low buzz of city noise drifting in through the half-open window. Beth sat quietly, anxiously anticipating whatever "small talk" Carol was about to make.
"Now that Mal's asleep, d'you want a cookie?" Carol asked with a playful half-smile, walking over and carefully setting a full mug of steaming tea on the countertop in front of Beth.
"Sure," Beth agreed, reaching out to slide the mug a bit closer.
Carol smiled and returned to the other side of the kitchen, grabbing a covered plate and pulling off its wrapping to reveal an array of fresh cookies. She walked over and set the plate down near Beth's mug. "White macadamia nut. You're not allergic, are you?"
"Nah," Beth shook her head and reached out to pluck a cookie from the top of the pile, glancing it over before taking a small bite. It was actually better than her momma's this time. But her momma had never liked macadamia nuts much – even though her daddy loved them.
Carol brought her own mug of tea over to the bar and stood across from Beth, grabbing a cookie for herself after setting out a small stack of napkins. Beth met Carol's eyes when she looked up and the older woman smiled warmly.
"Edible?" She asked, one hand cupping her mug and the other holding a cookie.
Beth nodded, quickly swallowing the bit of food in her mouth. "Delicious. Thanks."
"Glad you like 'em," Carol said, carefully sipping her tea before nibbling at her cookie.
As they quietly snacked and sipped tea, Beth glanced over toward the fridge and spotted a photo stuck under two magnets on the door. She looked back to Carol and pointed to the photo while asking, "Is that you an' Tobin?"
Carol turned her head and looked to where Beth was pointing, immediately smiling. She nodded and set down her mug and cookie, walking over to slip the photo out from beneath the magnets, along with another photo next to it. "Oh, yeah. We did one a those silly photo booths at the mall," she explained.
She brought them over and set them down to slide them across the counter and show Beth, who gazed down with a small smile.
"We did one together, and then the girls got in for one," Carol explained, her eyes lighting up as she spoke and pointed to the small photostrip of her and Tobin in four different frames, then pointed to the other photostrip, which had Sophia and Charlie squeezed into the booth with their parents and making goofy faces. "I love that last one – Sophia looks so happy."
Beth looked down at the last photo on the second strip and saw Sophia's smiling face as she sat squeezed between Carol, Charlie, and Tobin, her arms slung collectively over their shoulders.
Beth looked up and saw Carol gazing down at the photostrip with adoration for a second, then said, "You all look really happy."
Carol's smile briefly widened and she chuckled softly, picking up the photos again and walking over to return them to their spots on the door of the fridge. "We've been havin' a lotta fun together. I dunno if it'll last, but I've got a good feeling about it so far."
Beth couldn't help but notice, and respect, Carol's slight pessimism – or realism, rather. The other woman returned to her mug of tea and half-eaten cookie, and Beth asked her, "Are you seein' him later?" She was trying to be discreet as she inched her way into finding out more about Tobin, attempting to sound like she was taking the initiative to make conversation for once.
Carol shrugged, taking another sip of tea to follow the last bite of her cookie. She glanced behind her at the clock on the microwave, then back to Beth, and said, "Maybe. I don't ask him to, but he and Charlie have been coming over t'have dinner with us every other night or so. I think they might stay home tonight an' pack so we can leave tomorrow. We'll be spending the whole weekend together anyway."
Beth smiled, sensing the genuine excitement and contentment in Carol's tone. She briefly wondered if this newfound love could affect how Carol viewed Beth and Daryl's situation – and if it could, hopefully it would be for the better. "If you don't ask him an' he does it anyway, that's a good sign, right? That means he really likes bein' around you."
Carol smirked and shrugged bashfully. "Yeah. I suppose it does. Good thing, 'cause I really like being around him, too."
Beth chuckled softly and took a long sip of her tea, spotting Carol doing the same across from her. Then she asked, "So where does he work?" She hoped it actually sounded as casual as it had in her own ears.
Carol didn't seem to second-guess it, though, because she lowered her mug and replied, "He's an architect. His office is up in Midtown. He designed a couple buildings in the Upper East Side, and now he's working on his first skyscraper."
Beth raised her eyebrows in interest. "Woah – a skyscraper? Like, one that will be a part of the skyline or somethin'?"
Carol nodded, smiling. "Oh yeah. Pretty cool, huh?"
Beth nodded and felt her shoulders subconsciously relaxing, her jaw gradually unclenching. "Very," she said, taking another long sip of tea.
So he's an architect that reads a lot, she thought. Which means… absolutely nothing at all. There's billions of things to "read" out there, doesn't mean he's reading the Georgia news articles about a teenage fugitive. What are the chances of that anyway? Half a million to one, at least? Maybe Carol's just trying to trick me into spilling my soul. Or she's trying to call my bluff. Either way, it's not gonna work. Acting like you know more than you do? Oldest trick in the book. I won't fall for it.
"What about you?" Carol asked, and Beth looked at her quizzically. "Are you thinking about lookin' into a job or anything? Maybe not now, but in the near future."
Beth shrugged, caught off-guard. She'd hoped Clementine would be the only one to inquire about those things, but it seemed Carol was finding another way to weasel out new information. "Maybe – yeah, in the near future."
"Well, since you're staying," Carol said, giving Beth a look that appeared nearly expectant. "Right?"
This again? Beth thought, quickly nodding. Does she still think I'm gonna disappear on Daryl and Mal? "'Course I am. At least for a while. I, uh – yeah, I'm thinkin' about a job. And school. But that's for… later."
Carol nodded, sipping her tea and studying Beth's face as she spoke. Then she gave a tight-lipped smile and said, "Yeah. I understand. But – a while? What's the plan later on down the road?"
Beth pushed back her rising anxiety and maintained her composure, refusing to let any symptoms of doubt show through in her expression. Even though it was a pretty damn good question being posed. What was the plan? She was still putting it off. The days slowly ticked by and each night, Beth told herself it wasn't the right time yet. Even though there'd been countless opportunities, and even more urges.
But she tried not to think about all that as she shrugged and replied, "I dunno. I mean, I'm not just gonna disappear. If that's what you think."
Carol shook her head, half-smiling like Beth was being silly. "I don't. I was just wondering if this city was the place you intended to be for the next step of the journey you're taking."
Beth paused, processing Carol's words, and once again fought to ignore the deeper truth lying behind them. She took a sip of tea and averted her gaze away from the older woman's, down at the countertop. "Not exactly. But it's not like I had a better plan. Seems like as good a place as any."
"Mm-hmm, that may be so," Carol replied, smiling knowingly as she continued to study Beth's face. "But what about when you're ready ta move on?"
Beth furrowed her brow and flicked her eyes up to meet Carol's gaze again. "Move on?"
Carol shrugged, as if it were just another thought that had crossed her mind and been vocalized. "Well, you're young, an' it doesn't seem like you exactly chose to come here. But here you are. And it's all nice for now, but things will change. You're not the type t'be drawn to the city life – I've known lots of people like you, and they all ended up moving on from the city after a while."
Beth swallowed and her fingers curled tightly into the handle of the mug in front of her, but she didn't look away from Carol's gently scrutinizing gaze. "Things might change, but… I don't think you've known anybody like me."
She wasn't sure where that had come from. It was the first response that had escaped from her lips. And at first, she was afraid it was the wrong thing to have said. Carol's eyes narrowed and Beth could feel the older woman staring right through her.
But then Carol's expression softened. She smirked and said, "I think you might be right about that… You know, I'm only askin' because I care about you, too. I know you didn't ask me to, but neither did Daryl. And I'm very protective of him and Mal. But I'm worried about you, as well… You're part of our family now. There's no walking out and cutting ties at this point."
Beth tried not to let this sentiment sink in too deeply. She'd already let herself get too attached to Daryl and Mal, she didn't need to be planting more roots that would inevitably be ripped from the soil. She'd already lost her mother, she didn't need to find any replacements to eventually lose, too. "I know. I just – we know what we're doin'. You don't have to worry so much. I'm… I couldn't just walk away. Not after all this." Unfortunately, that was the truth.
Carol nodded and gazed at Beth with understanding and a hint of satisfaction, then said, "If you need to leave… ya know, I won't be the one ta stop you. I don't expect Daryl and Mal to live across the hall forever. But Daryl isn't all that fond of change, and Mal always comes first when considering something like that."
Beth furrowed her brow. "I know that, but I'm – I'm not goin' anywhere."
Carol pressed her lips tightly together and nodded, then said, "Not now, I know. But eventually… I'm just tellin' you what t'be ready for. It's not something that can be done on a whim, like comin' to New York. And it might take some convincing, but by now, I'm pretty sure Daryl would be willing t'follow you just about anywhere."
Beth's breath briefly caught in her throat and she tried to smile like it was a joke, chuckling softly while her fingers curled tighter around the handle of her mug once again. "You think – what, that me an' Daryl are gonna run off together or somethin'?"
Carol smiled knowingly, but there was no hint of a joke in her expression. She shrugged and took a leisurely sip of her tea before replying, "I wouldn't call it 'running off together.' More like, starting a new life for yourselves… It was only a matter of time for him – and you, too… Getting out was the first step. I guess finding Daryl was the next. An' now you have the future t'look forward to."
The dull pain in Beth's gut struck her a little harder and she quickly lifted the mug of tea to her lips to hide the look of contemplation crossing her face. Fuck, she thought. Is Carol right? Well, of course she is. But she has no idea how impossible the idea actually is. How could I ever convince Daryl to leave with me? Let alone trust me. Especially once he knows everything.
Carol could still see how Beth was processing what she'd said, despite Beth's efforts to conceal it. As Beth lowered her mug back down and gazed at the countertop thoughtfully, Carol added, "It's a little more complicated because Mal is involved, and you can't forget that. You can't run off just anywhere with a toddler – but I know that you know that. An' I won't deny that he's fallen in love with you… I can tell you love him, too."
"I do," Beth confirmed without hesitation, thinking of the small, blond boy as she looked down to stare at the small pool of tea in the bottom of her mug. It still baffled her how Carol almost always knew the exact things to say to spur a new train of thought inside her head. Although it wasn't entirely new – it was something she'd mulled over more than once. But it was also something she had no way of confronting any time soon. So, for just a second, she lowered her thick walls and asked tentatively, while still staring down into her tea, "You – you really think Daryl would leave with me?"
Shit, this woman was getting her to open up when she'd been so determined to stay quiet. Maybe Carol really was made out for counseling work.
There was a longer silence than Beth had anticipated, and she looked up to see Carol studying her again. Then the gray-haired woman said, "I do. But only if you give him the chance to accommodate. And to make his own decision."
Beth licked her lips, then asked softly, "His own decision?"
Carol nodded. "Like I told you before: he has ta be given a choice. He won't agree to anything if the decision was made for him. If you wanna leave, or move on, you need to tell him as soon as you've decided. He's the kind of guy that would rather walk away than make a decision based on being backed into a corner… He won't even consider an ultimatum."
Beth didn't need reminded – she still clearly remembered all the things Carol had told her before. Especially when it came to Daryl. And even though she knew the conversation was beginning to tread into dangerous territory, she couldn't resist her own curiosity. This woman knew Daryl better than anyone, after all. And if Beth was going to prepare herself and eventually admit the entire truth to him, then she needed to know how he might react and how she should approach it.
And she knew Carol was right. As usual. She knew that Daryl would never, ever, ever speak to her again if she waited until the last minute to explain to him that she was a wanted fugitive who needed to flee the country. She wasn't even sure he'd speak to her again if she told him now. But she'd have to face the music eventually, because there was simply no keeping it from him forever. And she'd be damned if she resorted to using an ultimatum – she knew better without having to be told.
"I don't… want to come in an' change everything," she mumbled, the words pouring from her like water dribbling from her lips. Carol gazed down at her with a soft empathy and it only proved to make Beth's mouth move more freely. "I don't wanna interrupt the good thing they have going, or the life that Daryl's worked so hard ta make. But I don't want – I can't picture my life without them anymore."
Carol arched an eyebrow and said, "Then tell him that. I don't think he wants t'live in the city forever either. He's not cut out for it, just like you. But he's made the best of it for Mal's sake… Maybe he'll be open to some new options."
Maybe, Beth thought. If this were a normal relationship and I really did just want to move somewhere slower paced. And not because I'm running from the law. But that's not the case. So neither of us has any idea how he'll actually react.
"Maybe," she mumbled uncertainly, dragging her eyes away from Carol's and lifting the mug in her hand to drain its last drops of tea.
"You've got an awful lotta doubt for having been so sure," Carol remarked, which immediately spurred a quizzical look from Beth. Carol continued, "Well, you guys have been gettin' pretty close, right? He hasn't told me everything, but I know he opened up t'you about some pretty important stuff. I don't know what goes on behind closed doors, but I can admit when I'm wrong – and I was wrong when I thought that the two of you would be bad for each other."
Beth swallowed hard and chewed on her bottom lip, staring down at her empty mug. Those were certainly not the words she'd expected to hear from Carol, but she had to admit that it was slightly relieving. Even though she and Daryl definitely didn't need this woman's approval, it was comforting to see that Carol was beginning to lend her support.
Carol continued, "There's still a lotta healing that can only be done on your own – probably with a lot of self-reflection an' therapy. But… no matter what I said to him, he always refused t'talk to Mal about his mother. An' then you show up and three weeks later, he's bringing out pictures and poems and answering all the kid's questions without getting even slightly angry… Something clicked. He's happier with you around."
Beth finally looked up and met Carol's piercing blue eyes. She could see the older woman studying her, trying to figure her out, or figure out what kind of secret voodoo witchcraft she'd worked on Daryl.
Or maybe she was just grateful to see that someone had finally gotten through.
"He… trusts you," Carol finished quietly, arching an eyebrow. "So does Mal."
Beth stopped chewing on her lip and mumbled, "I know. 'Cause I trust them."
"Do you?" Carol asked without missing a beat. She took a tight-lipped sip from the mug in her hand.
Beth's lips parted weakly, a knot quickly beginning to form in her throat. "Of course I do."
Carol nodded, fiddling with the string of her teabag on the lip of the mug. There was a slight smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth as she looked into Beth's eyes and said, "Then you need t'tell him everything – whatever it is keeping you on edge and so terrified. Letting your fear take the wheel for too long will not end well."
Beth's mouth went dry and she wished there were more tea in her mug. What do you know? She silently asked, staring back at Carol and refusing to let her uncertainty show through. Even though, for the twentieth time, the older woman was fucking right. It was like the advice Irma had given her two weeks ago: she couldn't let the fear make all her decisions for her.
And what else, besides fear, had been keeping her from telling Daryl the truth?
Beth managed to keep her voice steady despite the roughness in her throat as she muttered, "There's some things that I… can't explain. To anybody. I'm not scared anymore, I just – I don't wanna risk ruining things… We both wanna leave our pasts behind us."
Maybe if she could convince Carol that she wasn't scared, she could eventually convince herself, too. It was worth a try.
Carol listened with a hint of sympathy in her eyes. But then her expression grew stern, and she said plainly, "The only thing that can really ruin this is keeping secrets. Especially when those secrets can come back and bite you in the ass… He trusts you in a way that – well, in a way that he hasn't trusted somebody fer a long time. Don't risk it over bein' too scared to confront your past. From now on, whatever affects you will wind up affecting those boys, too."
Beth swallowed past the knot in her throat and nodded, struggling to continue maintaining eye contact. She really was tired of being too scared to act – if Carol knew something, why didn't she just say something already? Why keep beating around the bush like this, repeating herself and going over the same old lines? Hinting at what she knew without stating it?
The words formed and poured out before Beth could convince herself to bite them back, returning the intensity in Carol's gaze, "I dunno what exactly you think I'm hiding, but I know all this already. You're gettin' redundant. And I can assure you, I'll deal with it in due time. But you have no idea what I'm really dealing with – it's not so simple as just explaining it and movin' on. The whole situation – it ain't so black-'n-white."
Carol appeared nonplussed, lifting the mug to her lips and draining the last of her tea before setting it down gently on the countertop and folding her hands together. Then she sighed and said, "It never is, is it?"
She shrugged, and Beth was unsure of how to react as she watched the older woman gather their empty mugs and wadded napkins. While Carol tossed the napkins in the trash and set the mugs in the sink, filling them with water, she added simply, "I know, I repeat myself a lot. It's a bad habit I never could quite seem t'shake. Ed never listened, so I became a nag… He made me a lotta things I never wanted t'be." She turned her head to look back at Beth again, something meaningful in her gaze. "Wait too long, and you'll do the same to Daryl. He's falling for who he thinks you are now. He knows there's skeletons you don't wanna confront, but he thinks they're nothing more than skeletons… He won't be prepared for whatever blood-thirsty beast eventually comes barreling outta yer closet."
Beth chewed the inside of her cheek, eyes following Carol as she moved around the kitchen to clean up the mugs and tea kettle. By the time she returned to her spot across from Beth at the bar a few seconds later, Beth had mustered up her courage and formed the question in her head.
When Carol's eyes met hers again, Beth stared back intently and asked, "What do you think I'm hiding?"
Carol was almost annoyingly unaffected by anything Beth had to say, and she simply shrugged.
When she didn't respond after a couple of long seconds, Beth said, "You seem pretty convinced that I've got some kinda long con going. How much d'you think I even could lie about?" She hesitated for a split-second, then added, "Is that why you almost called me somethin' else the other day? You think I've been lyin' about my name, of all things?" She immediately regretted pointing it out – she should've let it sit, acted like she hadn't noticed it. But dammit, it had been bugging her.
Carol shook her head, smirking like it was funny. "No, I just had a little 'Mom moment' – I almost called Charlie by Sophia's name the other day, too. But I never said I wouldn't understand if you felt the need t'make a new identity when you came here."
Beth scoffed and rolled her eyes. "I didn't make a new identity – I'm just layin' low."
Carol nodded, smirk fading. "Right. Well, if you don't trust me enough, I get it. But I think… you're well past that point with Daryl. He deserves to know. Everything."
Beth cleared her throat, realizing her fingers were tracing the warm metal of the cross bracelet on her wrist. But she couldn't stop. Nor could she tear her eyes away from Carol's. She replied softly, "He will. He already – I haven't lied to him. But everything else… I just need some time t'figure it out."
She couldn't be angry at Carol for her persistence and her prying. The older woman cared, and she was smart. Too smart. It frustrated Beth to no extent, but when she knew, deep down, that it was all very true, the guilt quickly overshadowed any semblance of anger or resentment. She gazed down at her hands, at the cross reflecting the kitchen light.
If she was angry at anyone, it was herself. She'd reached the point where she was lying about lying to avoid getting caught lying – there was no end or beginning anymore to the webs she'd weaved, and she could no longer tell exactly which parts were falsified. Everything was a chain. A long, never-ending chain that gained new links every day and slowly wrapped itself tighter and tighter around Beth's body. She was immobilized, suffocating, slowly being crushed beneath the weight of her own lies.
Carol's gentle voice startled Beth from her thoughts, though she continued staring down at her hands as the older woman asked, "Doesn't it get exhausting, Rosie? You're dealing with a lot. All at once. You've been through a lot. More than most people have ever experienced… I'm not sure that you really realize just how many decisions your trauma has made for you. Or how much you're taking on, being with a widower and his son, tryin' ta help them heal and heal yourself at the same time."
Beth swallowed, eyes glued to her bracelet. Tears threatened to push up from her throat, but she wouldn't allow them.
Carol added softly, "It's a heavy load for such a small girl."
Beth faintly remembered her mother's voice from a distant memory. She finally looked up and met Carol's eyes, gazing back at the older woman with a flame of resilience burning in her chest. "My momma used ta say… 'when you feel buried, you're just planted.' So… I'm planted. Pushin' through the soil is the hardest part."
Carol studied Beth with a contemplative expression, as if she saw something new in the young girl sitting before her that she hadn't noticed before. A faint smile ghosted across her lips and she nodded. "Your momma sounds like a smart woman."
Beth nodded, looking back down to the cross on her wrist. For the millionth time, she assured herself that Carol had no idea what she was talking about when it came to the past that Beth was trying to escape. Or how much she could handle. She was strong. Stronger than Carol or anyone else could ever know.
No one could understand the position she was really in… Not even Daryl.
to be continued…
A/N: Thanks for reading, following, favoriting, and if you're one of the few who bothers to review, thanks even more for that!
So this chapter took place over a few days, and there are currently only a couple of days left in September. Next chapter will be heading quickly into the camping trip. And then? Well, I've already written half of Detective Grimes III. See ya next Sunday ;)
Also, if you haven't already, make sure you listen to Emily Kinney's new album Oh, Jonathan. It gives me some serious Bethyl feels!