The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is asking for something else to do. This is just more madness from my tiny little mind.

Ask Krieger And Friends

"Greetings Internet viewers!" Krieger waved as he sat in an opulent library. "Once again it's time for Krieger's Korner! Live from Cheryl's mansion! Today we're trying a new segment. Ask Krieger And Friends."

"I know what they're asking," Cyril sighed as he sat on a couch with Ray and Pam. "They're asking why we keep doing these stupid shows."

"I know I do," Pam admitted.

"You know my panel," Krieger pointed. "Cyril Figgis. Pam Poovey and Ray Gillette."

"Oh, they know us," Ray said.

"Especially the cops from the police lineups," Pam quipped.

"I've got a few letters here we're going to answer," Krieger said as he held up some letters.

"Are any of them from the IRS or debt collection agencies?" Cyril asked. "Because I think we'd prefer to not answer them."

Krieger looked at a couple of letters and threw some out. "Well that narrowed down the list. Here's our first question from Sam in California. Dear Krieger, I am in my fifth year of a four-year college and I think it's time for me to narrow down a major. Do you have any suggestions?"

"I have one suggestion," Ray said. "You might want to attend a class every now and then."

"I can tell you what not to go into," Cyril sighed. "English and 15th Century Agrarian Economics. The way this economy goes they're pretty much the same thing."

"I have a suggestion," Pam said. "Go into HR. I did. And it changed my life. And not all for the worst either."

"Yeah people are always getting fired and hired," Ray said. "And if you're the one who's doing it that's a real safe job."

"Although I do regret one thing I never tried," Pam began.

"A diet?" Cyril asked.

"Ha, ha…" Pam glared at him. "I regret never giving plumbing a chance. I wish they taught things like that in college or high school as an elective. I think I may have a knack for it."

"Well the way you destroy our plumbing on a weekly basis…" Cyril began.

"I'm just saying that blue collar jobs are in great demand," Pam said. "Plumbing, electric work and carpentry are desperate for people to fill those jobs. And if I had some of those skills, I could take those jobs."

"There's people desperate for you to do their jobs for them?" Krieger blinked. "Wow."

"Not everybody can do an office job," Pam said.

"This group is proof of that," Cyril sighed.

"Plus, you get a ton of benefits," Pam said. "Get into a good program and you could be set for life!"

"Who knew that a job involving real work would make the most money?" Ray remarked. "Live and learn."

"Let's go to the next question," Krieger took out another piece of paper. "This is from Big D in Arizona. Dear Krieger. What's the best way to invest money without doing any work? I say banks but my cellmate tells me that working in the stock market is the way to go. What do you think?"

Cyril remarked. "I'm going to have to go with your cellmate on this one. Especially if those are the two reasons you are in prison in the first place."

"As the saying goes," Krieger said. "A stupid crook robs a bank with a mask and a gun. A smart one robs one with a suit and a briefcase."

"Not that we're advocating crime," Cyril said quickly. "I want to make that very clear."

"Good call," Ray nodded.

"We're just saying that if you have a bank robber in jail and a stockbroker in jail…" Krieger added. "Odds are the stockbroker is going to have more money when he gets out."

"Especially if he put enough money in an overseas bank," Cyril said. "That has very lenient tax laws and very good interest rates."

Ray blinked. "So, what you're saying is that technically you need both?"

Cyril admitted. "I guess I am."

Krieger nodded. "Next question. This is from Carl from Cell Block B."

"I sense a pattern," Ray remarked.

"Is it considered snitching if you tell your cellmate something in confidence," Krieger read. "But a guard happens to overhear it? Just curious."

"Technically no," Pam said. "The guard was eavesdropping but you should know better to look around and make sure nobody's listening before you say anything."

"Unlike my life," Cyril sighed. "Where I could say anything to anyone and nobody listens ever."

Pam looked at him. "Did you say something Cyril?"

"I didn't hear him," Krieger said.

"See what I mean?" Cyril sighed. "Next question Krieger!"

Krieger read the next one. "This is from Betty in Boston. Dear Krieger. I am attracted to a co-worker but I'm afraid that dating him might put a strain on our professional relationship. Should I ask him out?"

"Depends," Ray quipped. "How good looking is he?"

"And does he have a brother or sister I could date?" Pam added. "I say go for it. You can't turn down any chance for true love."

"Or in your co-worker's case," Ray added. "A chance for good gossip."

"It's when they're not talking about you, you should worry," Pam nodded.

"This may not be the right group to answer that question," Cyril sighed.

"Cyril you wouldn't have a love life at all if it wasn't for you sleeping around with people in the office," Ray pointed out.

"Again," Cyril admitted. "Not the right group to answer that question."

"But if you do, rule of thumb," Pam said. "Whatever happens, always get the secretaries and the head of HR on your side."

"Here's another question from Anonymous," Krieger said. "But I don't know who it's from."

"Just read the question," Ray sighed.

"Okay," Krieger said. "My boyfriend has been in a coma for a while. Should I start dating again?"

"YES!" Cyril said loudly. "Especially if your name is Lana Kane!"

"Next question Krieger," Ray groaned.

Krieger read another letter. "Harry from Seattle writes: What animal is the superior pet in your opinion? Dogs or Cats? Harry, it's neither. Pigs are the way to go."

"Yeah and if the animal dies," Pam said. "Best part is you can eat him!"

"Oh sure! Rub it in!" Ray sniffed. "Hamlet…"

"Next question Krieger," Cyril rolled his eyes. "Before Ray loses it."

"That would imply he had it in the first place," Pam quipped.

"Okay," Krieger looked at another piece of paper. "This one is from the office of the Feingold Collection Agency. Dear Mr. Krieger, it has come to our attention that you owe…You know we can just skip this one." He threw it away.

"Our names aren't attached to that are they?" Ray asked.

"No, this is for…" Krieger paused. "Some other thing."

"Good enough," Cyril sighed. "Next letter!"

Krieger read the next one. "This one is from Arthur Smidley from Ohio. He writes: I am starting my own business but office equipment is expensive. Without counting telephones or computers, is there one piece of equipment in an office that you really can't do without?"

"Yes," Cyril said. "A fire extinguisher."

"It's the most important thing in our office," Pam nodded. "Followed by a stomach pump and a Geiger counter."

"I'd invest in a good fire extinguisher," Ray nodded. "Maybe two or three?"

"Or four," Cyril added.

"Or four," Ray nodded. "Can't go wrong with five to seven. Whatever you can afford with your budget."

"Just make sure you get a good refill plan," Pam said. "Because those suckers run out like you wouldn't believe!"

"And a state-of-the-art sprinkler system is a must," Cyril added.

"Oh yeah," Ray nodded.

"Totally," Pam agreed.

Krieger smiled. "This next question is from Z-Dog from Colorado. It says: Hey man where can I find that thing or that other thing? Or that other thing? Is that a blue flurpy-flurp and sweet ride and oh god I want a cheeseburger."

"Are you kidding me?" Cyril blinked.

"That's exactly what it says," Krieger showed him.

"Okay…Z-Dog," Ray winced. "I think you have bigger problems than we can solve. Maybe you should see a doctor or some kind of counselor? And maybe laying off the weed once in a while can't hurt?"

"Especially when you're at the computer," Pam remarked. "Trust me, you don't want to send e-mails while you're high. You could offend a whole lot of people that way. Or lose a job. Or some of my friends' cases a body part…Long story. The moral is basically don't send e-mails while you're high."

"Sound advice," Krieger nodded. "Next question. Krieger this is Arthur. When are you going to give me that fifty bucks you owe…? Okay that's another one we can skip." He threw the letter away.

"Krieger, you might want to start reading these letters before we go on the air," Cyril advised. "You know? Weed out some of the more personal ones if you get my drift?"

"Or even letters like Z-Dog's," Ray added.

"That is very good advice," Krieger nodded. He shuffled through the letters and threw out a few.

"I wish someone gave me advice not to go on this show," Cyril groaned.

"And give up showbusiness?" Pam asked.

"Okay," Krieger found another letter. "Here's a good one. It's from Valerie from Vermont. Dear Krieger, I have decided to follow my dream and go into business for myself. But I am a little stuck on the next step. What kind of store do you think I should open?"

"Well Valerie," Ray said. "Based on today's retail economy, you should sell store closing signs. You'll make a killing."

"Or headstones," Pam said. "There's always going to be a need!"

"Or fire extinguishers," Cyril added. "That's also one that will be a safe bet. Especially if you have any neighbors or friends named Tunt."

"Cleaning supplies and disinfectant," Krieger added. "Especially the stuff that can remove blood."

"You might want to rethink your dream, Valerie," Pam groaned.

"Here's another interesting question," Krieger said. "Gill from Greendale wrote: Dear Krieger, I'm an inventor as well and I am working on a project. I have a question: If drinking fountains could dispense another liquid besides water, what would you think it would be?"

Without a beat Cyril said. "Scotch."

"Scotch," Ray added.

"Scotch," Pam said. "Or some other kind of alcohol."

"And I would go for Scotch or some other kind of alcohol too," Krieger remarked. "That one was a no brainer."

"Your words," Ray quipped.

"Gill you might want to market your product to offices," Cyril spoke into the camera. "You'd make a killing."

"You should get in touch with Valerie!" Pam realized.

"Here's another question from Wally in Wisconsin," Krieger read. "Dear Krieger. I keep hearing voices in my head. And they're not caused by my hearing aid. I checked. They don't tell me to do anything horrible or violent. But they do keep talking about different stock options. What medicine should I take to get rid of them?"

Krieger blinked. "Wally, I have to tell you as a semi-qualified doctor…"

"Which you aren't," Cyril sighed.

"On this topic of voices," Krieger said. "I say forget the drugs and take their advice. At the very least they're cheaper than a broker. And if you do make any money, let me know how it goes and if the voices recommend any good investments."

"Ditto," Pam nodded.

"Here's another one," Krieger read another letter. "Dear Krieger. A bunch of us chaps recently went in on a racehorse. What would you consider naming it? Sincerely, Cell Block B of the Danville Minimum Correctional Facility."

"That's easy," Ray quipped. "Breakout."

"Or Time Served," Cyril added.

"Or Diarrhea," Pam added. "Come on, admit it. It would be funny hearing this. Down the stretch they come and it's Diarrhea running for the finish line!"

Krieger paused. "That would be funny!"

"Next letter Krieger," Cyril sighed.

Krieger read. "This is from Arnie A from Storage Locker B in Nevada. Dear Krieger, my girlfriend of two years and I have had a fight. She wants to get married. I'm on the fence. Actually, I'm now in a storage locker across town because she threw me out until I can commit. What should I do?"

"Arnie if you love the woman you should marry her," Ray said. "And if you don't…I'd find a new place to live."

"And a better job if all you can afford is a storage locker," Pam added. "Or a job period by the sound of it."

"I feel like this is good," Krieger said cheerfully. "We're doing very well with these interesting and insightful questions."

"What questions are you hearing?" Pam asked. "Just curious."

Krieger went to the next letter. "This is from Big Shot Benny in Chicago. Dear Krieger, my associates and I never thought much about overdevelopment before. But now we're running out of places to bury the bodies. What do you suggest we do?"

"We have a very interesting cross section of viewers," Cyril's eyes widened.

"Okay Big Shot Benny, legally we have to say to not kill anyone would be a good step," Krieger remarked. "However hypothetically you could just buy some land for yourselves for conservation. If you get my drift."

"Or you could invest in one of those places that turns bodies into diamonds," Pam said. "Win-win!"

"PAM!" Cyril said.

"Uh I meant if someone you loved died of natural causes of course," Pam coughed.

"Can we stop this topic now?" Cyril asked. "Before someone from the District Attorney's office watches this?"

"I think our last question is one that I've come up with," Krieger said. "If you could give one piece of advice, what would it be?"

"Easy," Ray groaned. "Never unbuckle your seat belt when you're in a ship of some kind going a million miles per hour."

Cyril added. "Always have a good supply of sweater vests, stamps, and fire extinguishers. Oh, and never join a spy agency."

"Never give matches to a Tunt," Pam nodded. "Or anything flammable for that matter."

Krieger nodded. "And my piece of advice is when you're doing chemistry, never mix acids and bases. Especially when you're listening to Rush and drunk!"

"He's blown up his lab enough times for him to learn that lesson," Ray remarked.

"If only I'd learned my lesson long ago to get a new life," Cyril sighed.

"You really should," Pam remarked. Cyril glared at her. "What?"