Hold Me Now
Part 2
The next morning Josh woke and looked at the alarm clock. He had woken up naturally about twenty minutes before the alarm was scheduled to go off. He rolled over, expecting to see Donna still asleep next to him. Disappointment filled him when her side of the bed was empty. The only thing there was a note.
Josh,
Sorry I didn't wake you but you got in late last night and I wanted to let you get at least a little sleep. I had to go in early for a meeting. Maybe we can carve some time out to get lunch together? Let me know.
Love,
Donna
He couldn't be mad at her for having to work, especially if he wanted her not to be mad about him leaving last night. It would be way too hypocritical and go against the deal they made to respect when the other person had to cut their plans short because of work. He could still be disappointed though. He released a sigh and stretched out.
It bothered him that they weren't able to talk last night. It seemed like she really wanted to talk about something important and now he was racking his brain trying to figure out what it could be about. Getting up, he walked over to the closet to pick out his suit for the day. He couldn't help but notice that the box she had last night was peeking through underneath some of her clothes.
He stood there looking at the box. His curiosity finally got the better of him. While he knew it was wrong to go through her stuff, he still found himself picking up the box and bringing it over to the bed. He had a feeling this box would give him some information about what she wanted to talk about. Sitting down, he wondered for a moment if he should be opening it without Donna. He knew he should wait for her, but he wanted to know what it was so he opened it up anyway. There was tissue paper covering the top so he peeled it back to reveal a newborn-sized onesie. He picked it up and inspected it. There was a baseball with a bat and the words "Daddy's Favorite Baseball Buddy" on it. It even had the Met's logo on it.
He stared at it for a moment, trying to rack his brain to think of any friends or coworkers they might have who liked the Mets and were having a baby.
He couldn't think of anyone.
He put the onesie back in the box, putting the lid on carefully and putting it back where he found it.
What did it all mean? Was Donna pregnant? She couldn't be. Right?
They had never discussed having kids. He knew she was on birth control. They didn't use condoms because of that fact. And he knew she wouldn't go off birth control without talking to him first.
Truthfully, he wasn't sure that kids were something he ever wanted. It wasn't a priority for him. Just thinking that probably made his mother have a stroke down in Florida. But it was true. He had lived so much of his life never thinking he would even get married, yet alone have kids.
Kids were messy. Kids were loud. Kids were a lot of hard work.
Their work schedules weren't exactly kid-friendly. Did Donna want kids? What kind of a husband was he if he didn't know the answer to that basic question? Was she secretly hoping to get pregnant even though they never talked about it? Was this her dream come true? Was she panicking about this?
Looking back, he realized that the kids conversation was something they should have discussed. Because he had a feeling she was pregnant and there was no turning back now.
He went into the bathroom, turning on the water and stripping out of his pajamas. He needed to get to work and he needed to stop thinking about kids for a moment. Every moment he spent thinking about having a kid was a moment of pure panic for him.
"Are you even listening?" Sam asked.
Josh looked up and saw Sam standing there. "Did you say something?"
"I've been talking for a few minutes." Sam explained. "You didn't hear a word I said, did you?"
"Um…sure I did." He lied. "It was something about the appropriations bill."
"Not even close." Sam laughed, sitting down. "What is wrong with you today? You were distracted in Senior Staff too."
"It's nothing." He shrugged. Ever since finding that onesie this morning, he couldn't stop thinking about it. He wanted to go over to Donna's office and just ask her if she was pregnant. He wanted to get it over with and find out once and for all, though he pretty much knew what her answer was going to be.
She was pregnant. He could feel it instinctively. There was no other reason for her to have that onesie. They didn't know anyone else who liked the Mets enough to want something like that.
"It's obviously not nothing." Sam argued.
He leaned in closer to Sam. "You can't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you."
"Alright."
"Donna is pregnant." He watched as Sam's face fully registered his statement.
"Well that is amazing news!" Sam smiled. "I'm really happy for the two of you. But I didn't even know you were trying."
"We weren't." He sighed. "At least I wasn't."
"Oh come on now." Sam sighed. "You can't honestly think that Donna is the type of woman who would trick you into getting her pregnant."
"No, I don't." He sighed. "I'm just beyond surprised about this. I don't know how it could have happened."
"Do we need to have the birds and the bees talk?" Sam joked.
He glared at his friend. "Is it bad that I'm not sure how I feel about this? I mean, we haven't talked about kids."
"You haven't talked about it?" Sam chuckled. "You're married and you haven't had the kids discussion yet? Oh boy."
"I know." He agreed. "In hindsight we should have talked about it."
"Well look, it's not a bad thing that you aren't sure how you feel. I would imagine it is quite a shock to learn you're going to be a father. How did she tell you?"
"She hasn't told me actually." He corrected Sam.
"Then how…"
"She wanted to talk last night and she had this box with her. I looked in the box this morning and it's a newborn onesie with the Mets logo on it. I put two and two together to equal four." He explained.
"I think you just need to talk to her." Sam advised.
"I don't think I'm ready for that yet." He shook his head. "I'm afraid I'll say something that might upset her."
"You have to be honest with her though. You owe her that."
"I know." He nodded. "So what were you saying earlier?"
Donna finished her big bowl of ice cream and sat the bowl on the coffee table, flipping through the channels on the TV. She was trying not to worry about Josh but he was avoiding her. That she was certain of. He had called around lunch time and said he would have to work late so she shouldn't wait up for him. While it wasn't uncommon for him to have to work late, he didn't sound like himself when he called.
At first she wasn't sure why he would be avoiding her. Then it made sense.
He somehow knew she was pregnant.
It would have been easy for him to look into the box, though she did try to hide it last night. But maybe he looked in there and saw it. Or maybe she was worrying about something that she didn't need to worry about. Maybe he really was swamped with work and that's why he was coming home late.
She couldn't help but yawn. She was determined to wait up for him, despite him saying she shouldn't. But as time went on it got harder and harder to stay awake.
Josh entered through the door carefully, not wanting to cause too much noise. It was around midnight and he thought that Donna would be asleep by now. He knew it was cowardly to stay late at work instead of coming home and talking to her. But he needed time to think about everything.
He put his bag on the kitchen table and was going to the bedroom when he saw Donna fast asleep on the couch.
She had tried to wait up for him.
The sight of her sleeping on the couch while waiting up made him smile. She always looked so peaceful while she slept and he could stare at her like this forever. He quietly made his way over to the couch and knelt down. His eyes focused on her stomach. His hand lingered just above her stomach, unable to will himself to touch her. After a moment, he brushed a piece of hair out of her face.
That caused her to stir. He watched as her eyes fluttered open.
"Hey." He whispered.
"Hey." She whispered back.
"I'm sorry to wake you."
"Don't be." She smiled, leaning in to kiss him. "I wanted to stay awake until you got home. I guess I failed. What time is it?"
"It's about midnight." He smiled back and held his hand out to her. "It's late. Let's go to bed."
She grabbed his hand and followed him into the bedroom. "Josh?"
"Yeah?" He asked, looking back at her. She no longer looked like she was half asleep anymore. She looked fully awake and was studying his face.
"You know, don't you?"
He decided to play dumb. "Know what?"
She looked down at the floor and then back at him. "You know and that's why you didn't come home earlier tonight. Right?"
He wasn't sure if he could keep playing stupid and get away with it, but he was going to try. "I'm not sure I know what you are talking about."
"Josh…"
He knew that he couldn't keep this up forever and sighed. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"
"Yes." She nodded.
He walked into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed, aware that she followed him and sat next to him.
"How did you figure it out?" She asked.
"I peeked in the white box this morning. I saw the onesie and put two and two together." He answered. "How did you figure out that I knew?"
"Well you've been avoiding me and you look upset. Plus your hair is sticking up in twenty different directions. That only happens when you are stressed out and constantly run your hands through your hair." She chuckled.
He couldn't help but smile at how well she knew him.
"I'm sorry I wasn't the one to tell you. I really wanted to last night…"
"It's fine." He cut her off. "It's not a big deal how I found out."
"I just had this whole thing planned." She explained. "I knew exactly what I wanted to say and I wanted to make it special. I guess that sounds stupid but…"
He grabbed her hand. "It's not stupid. It's sweet." Looking over, he saw that she seemed hesitant.
"So what's going on in that head of yours?" She finally asked.
He wasn't sure what to tell her at this point but decided on honesty. "I haven't been able to concentrate on anything today. I've been scatterbrained, distracted and useless in meetings. This was all I kept thinking about."
"That's understandable. I know that feeling well. And we never really talked about kids."
"No we didn't." He sighed.
"We should now."
"It's late. We should…"
"We should talk about this." She pressed. "I know it is late and we have to work tomorrow. But this is important and I won't be able to sleep if we don't talk."
"Alright." He nodded.
"I know we didn't talk about having kids. It wasn't in any of the plans we talked about for the future. And I know you aren't super gung-ho about having kids. But the fact remains that I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby. So we need to talk about what that looks like."
"Who said I wasn't super gung-ho about having kids?" He chuckled.
"Anyone who has ever met you and seen you around them." She deadpanned. "Come on Josh, you can't tell me that you look at a baby and think that it's cute or you hear a toddler scream and want to rush right out to get one of your own."
"No, you're right. I don't." He admitted. "I've never felt the paternal desire that other men claim to have. I didn't think you had the maternal desire either."
"I didn't think so either." She shrugged. "But it's changed now. Ever since I found out I'm pregnant I've changed my mind. I want to have a miniature Josh around that looks and acts just like you or a little girl with your messy hair. But I need to know what you want."
"At this point it doesn't matter what I want. You have clearly made your decision to have the baby so we're going to have a baby. So at this point my opinion is irrelevant and I just have to deal with it." He shrugged. When she didn't say anything, he looked over at her. She looked upset and he immediately felt bad. "See this is why I didn't come home earlier. I was afraid I would say something wrong."
"It's fine." She shrugged it off. "Let's just go to bed."
"You're upset though and you wanted to talk."
"It's fine." She repeated herself. He watched as she got into the bed and turned on to her side.
He sighed and got into bed, then turned off the light. After a moment, he moved closer to her and wrapped his arm around her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it the way it came out. I just…I wasn't expecting this and nothing I'm saying is coming out right. I know it is hard to believe but I don't know everything."
She snorted so at least he knew she was listening. "I don't know how having a kid is going to work with our jobs. I don't know how it is going to change our relationship. I don't know anything about how to raise a kid and I don't know if I will be a good father."
She turned over so she could face him. "You say you don't know if you will be a good father, but you will. I know it. All I have to do is look at how good you are at your job. Don't you realize that a lot of the same skills that go into being a chief of staff or senior campaign leader are similar to parenting? You're constantly trying to protect the candidate, even from themselves. You look out for them-for their well-being and their reputation. You counsel them on the best course of action. You educate them on the issues. There's a lot of hand holding that goes into your job."
"It's not the same thing." He shrugged, sitting up.
"It's not exactly the same but the skills still translate." She argued.
"Look, I just need some time to get used to this. It's going to be a big change. To be honest, I can't believe you aren't freaking out about it."
"I am freaking out." She admitted. "I don't know anything about how to raise a kid either. But I know that I'm excited to try with you and I was hoping that you would feel the same way. Obviously I was wrong."
"Donna, I hope that if there's one thing you are certain about in this world it is how much I love you. Because I do love you, more than I ever thought possible. And if I could only pick one person in the world to have a kid with, it would be you. I'm just really caught off guard here. You have to give me some time to wrap my head around it."
"Ok. Fine." She nodded.
He could see she wasn't happy about the situation and he felt terrible for disappointing her. But he really wasn't expecting this. He leaned in and gave her a kiss.
"Goodnight." She whispered before rolling over.
He debated whether or not to wrap her in his arms. Ultimately he decided not to so he just stayed on his side of the bed.