Hold Me Now

Part 4

Josh came out of the bedroom, putting the finishing touches on his tie as he walked into the kitchen. Donna was at the counter, putting her papers into her bag. It had been three days since he had found out about Donna's pregnancy and things were changing in his relationship with her. They weren't connecting as well right now and he knew it was mostly his fault.

Ok, it was all his fault. He had opened his big mouth and said some things that were hurtful and they still hadn't had the talk that they needed to have because he still wasn't sure what to say. All he knew was he could feel her slipping away from him, little by little and he didn't like it.

Like right now, she was focused solely on her own tasks to get ready that she wasn't really paying much attention to him. He was pretty sure he could have walked in naked and she wouldn't have noticed.

He walked over to her and kissed the side of her head. "Good morning."

"Morning." She said absent-mindedly. "Are you still coming to the First Lady's fundraiser tonight?"

"The one for women's health? Yeah, I am. Why?"

"I was just curious." She shrugged, finally looking over at him. "You know you don't have to come if you don't want to."

"No, it's fine." He smiled. "I'll be there."

"Ok." She nodded, going back to packing her bag. "I was just trying to give you a choice about things."

He couldn't help but feel like that was a subtle dig at him. But he probably deserved it so he let it go. "Are you coming back here before to get ready too?"

"Yeah." She nodded.

"Ok. Let me know when you want to leave the White House to come back here and we can leave together."

"Ok." She nodded, getting her coat on.

"Are you leaving now?"

"Yes." She looked at him strangely.

"Why are you leaving so early?" She didn't usually leave this early.

"Why so many questions?" She sighed. "If you must know, I have a busy day. And as much as I would love to have some coffee, I'm not supposed to drink caffeine anymore. So I'm leaving early to stop at Starbucks and get a decaf one because we don't have any decaf here. I've been too busy to have a chance to stop and pick any up this week."

"Well give me a moment and I'll go with you." He quickly put on his suit jacket and then his coat.

"I can go by myself." She protested. "You don't have to come along."

"I want to though." He pointed out.

"Ok." She relented.

He got the impression she didn't want him to go with her, but he wasn't about to give up.

"This looks good so far." Donna praised Sam as she read some of the remarks he wrote for the First Lady. "I like this part about coming together for one united goal."

"I'm glad. I went back and forth about including it." Sam smiled.

"Don't second guess yourself." She laughed.

"So…" Sam trailed off. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." She smiled, thinking it was an odd question. Then it hit her why he was asking. "What did Josh tell you?"

"Nothing." Sam shook his head.

"You're a bad liar." She called him out. "He told you everything, didn't he?"

"Yes. Congratulations. I'm very happy for you both." Sam grinned.

"Thank you." She smiled back.

"And trust me, I haven't said anything to anyone because I didn't know if you wanted people to know yet."

"I trust you." She sighed. "I just wish Josh knew when to keep his big mouth shut sometimes."

"I don't think he knew you didn't want anyone to know about it."

"No, it's not that. I know you won't go around blabbing it to everyone." She assured him. "It was directed towards some of the other things he has said lately."

"If it helps any, I'm not sure he even knows what he is saying right now." Sam laughed. "He's all over the place."

"I know it came as a shock to him." She conceded. "But is it really too much to ask for some support about this? I feel like it's coming between us when it should be bringing us closer together. I feel like I've somehow doomed our relationship by getting pregnant."

"You shouldn't feel that way. Yes, having a child with someone is supposed to bring you closer together. But just because it hasn't yet doesn't mean it won't happen. Give him a chance. He might surprise you."

"Yeah." She nodded. "Maybe."

Donna walked around the fundraiser, making sure she had talked to all of the major donaters. She smiled when she saw a friend. "CJ, you look wonderful."

"So do you, Donna." CJ smiled, giving her a hug. "How are you doing? We don't see enough of you anymore."

"I know. The First Lady keeps me busy." She explained. "I've been good though. How are you?"

"I'm doing well." CJ nodded. "To be honest, I'm surprised you aren't out there dancing with Josh."

"Well I've got a lot of work to do tonight."

"When has that ever stopped you two before?" CJ asked. "I'm just asking because I've seen the way Josh has been distracted this week. Something is going on. Is everything alright between you two?"

"Yeah." She nodded, feeling bad for lying. "Everything is great."

"You know if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you."

"I appreciate that." She smiled at her friend. "But I'm fine and so is my relationship with Josh. Thank you though. If you'll excuse me, I see someone I need to talk to about a donation. Enjoy the party."

She felt bad lying to CJ because she knew the woman genuinely cared and would listen to her. But she didn't want to involve anyone else right now.

"Nice fundraiser." Sam commented.

Josh looked over and nodded. "Yep."

"I hope they are raising a lot of money."

"Me too." He said, returning his gaze to Donna. He had been watching her flitter around from person to person all night. She was stunning in her dark blue dress and he couldn't even tell she was pregnant. He knew that she was busy, going around and helping the First Lady solicit donations for women's health, but at the same time he was hoping to spend at least a little time with her. They always made time to dance at and fundraiser, state dinner, or party they attended together. But as soon as they got here she split off from him. He wasn't sure if he would even get to talk to her again until the end of the night, yet alone dance with her.

"Things are still tense, huh?"

"Yep." Josh nodded.

"Donna!"

She turned and saw the First Lady approaching her. "Hello."

"How is everything going?"

"Great. I've already gotten a commitment of over 8 million from donators." She smiled.

"That's wonderful!" Abbey smiled. "Great job!"

"Thanks."

"Oh, and I have read the preliminary remarks you sent over for the conference. Mark has really stepped up his speech writing game. They are brilliant. I didn't know he had it in him."

"He doesn't." She laughed. "I have borrowed Sam for a couple of days. You needed speeches that were going to pack a punch and galvanize everyone. Sam's speeches can do that for you in a way that Mark can only ever dream about."

"I should have known you would think of everything." Abbey laughed. "Well let's set up a meeting with Sam before we have to give him back. I have a couple of ideas I want to float by him."

"On the closing speech?" She guessed.

"Exactly. It's like you can read my mind." Abbey smiled. "You've done a fantastic job tonight. Go dance with Josh and enjoy yourself."

"Yes ma'am." She nodded, watching as the First Lady left into the crowd. She turned around and spotted who she was looking for. It didn't take her long to cross the ballroom. "Sam, the First Lady loves your remarks. Can we set up a meeting with her? She has some ideas to run past you for the closing speech."

"Sure." Sam nodded. "No problem."

"Great." She turned to leave, only stopping when Josh lightly touched her arm.

"Can we talk? Or dance?" He asked.

"I'm sorry." She apologized. "I'm just swamped trying to get people to donate. I don't know if I will have time."

"We always make time." He reminded her.

"I know. But like I said, I'm sorry. I'm busy."

"Donna…"

"What do you want from me, Josh?" She snapped. "I'm just trying to do my job here."

"I know, but…"

"But nothing!" She sighed. There was only one way to settle this. "Follow me." She led him to one of the empty patios. "Look, you didn't have to come tonight."

"Obviously." He sighed. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm not avoiding you." That wasn't entirely true, but she didn't really want to have this conversation now. Though it seemed like there was no way around it.

"I think we both know that is a lie. There is a divide growing between us and I know you see it too."

"What do you want from me?" She shook her head. "You seem to think you are the only one freaking out about this baby. I'm sorry to tell you that isn't the case."

"You don't look like you are freaking out."

"It's because I'm good at hiding it!" She exclaimed loudly. "But I am completely freaking out. Do you know all of the things I have to give up during pregnancy? Caffeine is just the beginning. Then there is the fact that I'm probably going to have to quit my job. I have all of these hormones running around my body. I get morning sickness at all random times of the day, which I have to hide from everyone at work. I got a better reaction from Sam about this pregnancy than I did from my own husband. I'm trying so hard to still focus on my job. And then there's the fact that I have to worry about you freaking out. So forgive me if I don't want to be discussing everything right now. I'm barely keeping it together as it is. I know that a baby isn't what you want. I don't need to talk to you and find out you resent me for getting pregnant and I've ruined our marriage. I can't handle that right now."

She could see her outburst shocked him and decided to use that to her benefit. "Now if you will excuse me, I have to get back to work because that is the one thing in my life I feel like I can control right now." Before he could stop her, she went back into the ballroom.

Josh looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost 11pm. Donna should be home soon from the fundraiser. After her outburst on the patio, he decided to leave and give her some space. He truly didn't think she was freaking out about the baby because she acted like everything was fine. But he should have seen the signs. He shouldn't have been so selfish.

He also didn't mean to make her think that he didn't want this baby or that he would resent her. There was definitely no way she could have ruined their marriage either. True he was caught off guard and he didn't handle the situation as well as he should have. But he could never resent her, especially not for getting pregnant. It wasn't something she did on purpose to get at him. It happened because birth control isn't 100% effective.

As for ruining their marriage…he was serious when he took those vows. For better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do they part.

He should have done more to show her that he supports her in this and that she isn't in this alone. He felt horrible for the added stress he was putting her through and vowed to change it as soon as she came home.

Almost as if on cue, the lock clicked and the door opened. Donna came in and they locked eyes with each other for a moment. She closed the door behind her and leaned against it.

"Hi." She said quietly.

"Hi." He greeted.

She sighed and started walking to the bedroom. "I'm sorry about my outburst earlier."

He followed her into the bedroom, watching as she slipped out of her dress. "As far as I'm concerned, you don't have anything to apologize for. If anything, I should be apologizing to you."

She didn't look at him as she picked up her dress and headed to the closet. She put the dress back up on a hanger and then picked out pajamas. He sat on the bed and waited for her to finish changing.

"Can you come sit next to me for a moment?" He asked.

She didn't answer but slowly walked over and sat next to him on the bed. He turned to face her. "I am so sorry for many things. I made this whole thing about me and what I was thinking and feeling. I never checked in with you to see what you were thinking or feeling. I didn't even know about the frequency of your morning sickness. I just assumed that you were fine with everything and that was wrong of me. I haven't supported you as much as I should have, especially since you thought that I resent you for getting pregnant. I've been a shitty husband. It's not right that you got a better reaction from Sam than me. You have every right not to forgive me."

While he was speaking, he saw tears running down her face and reached over to brush them away. "I know I have been selfish about this whole thing. It hasn't been fair to you. I just want you to know that I could never resent you for anything. I love you and I know it took me a while to get to this place, but I'm all in with this pregnancy."

"What does that mean?" She asked softly, her voice cracking a little.

"It means I can't wait to have this baby with you."

She started to smile. "Really?"

"Really." He assured her. "And to prove it, I got you something." He got up and went into the living room to grab the bag. "Here." He presented it to her. "Open it."

She looked inside the bag and pulled out two books. "What to Expect When You're Expecting and 10000 Baby Names."

"I know it isn't a onesie, but I thought it would still show you that I'm in this with you."

"Thank you." She leaned in and kissed him. "You really mean it though? You aren't just saying it to make me feel better?"

"I wouldn't do that." He asserted. "I couldn't be happier that you are the mother of my child. There is no one else I'd ever want to do this with. Look, for a long, long time I never thought I would even get married. I had resigned myself to the fact that it wasn't in the cards for me because of how hard I work and how much I dedicate myself to my job. But then you came along and completely changed everything. I couldn't imagine my life without you and I knew I had to marry you so I could be with you for the rest of my life. And kids…well I never even envisioned a life with kids for the same reasons. I don't know how this is going to work. I don't know what the answers are. But I trust you and I have to trust in us to be able to make this work."

"We have a lot to talk about." She pointed out.

"Yes, but we don't have to talk about everything tonight. We have time."

"Yes we do." She nodded with a smile.

He stood up and held out his hand. "Dance with me?"

She looked at him strangely.

"We never got a chance to dance tonight." He explained.

"There's no music." She reminded him with a laugh.

"Doesn't matter." He grinned.

She took his hand and stood up. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close, finally relaxing when she put her head on his shoulder.