Oblivious

Last night he dreamt that he was speaking to his girlfriend again. She had long flowing hair and her eyes were like diamonds, sparkling like the stars in the night sky. Oh my god, were they beautiful. The voice he heard from her was perfect, resonating within his eardrums as he listened intently to every word that she said. She was talking about how amazing her day was, the familiar middle school friend that she met at the library today, the picture she took of a boy and a girl chasing one another at the park today, and of course, how terribly she missed him all day.

It was a pity that she didn't have any classes with him. They didn't even share the same lunches or even got the chance to talk to one another in the hallway. High school sucked because of the fact that they never met each other as often anymore. And in class, the only thing the both of them could think about was each other. Maybe about what they did last week, maybe about what they're doing right now, maybe about what they're gonna do ten years in the future. Infatuation happened a lot in high school, what with all of the puberty and the raging hormones or whatever, but it was clear this was no simple crush or obsession. They wanted to spend every waking moment with one another, wanted to be with each other till the end of time, wanted to have kids with one another. This was true love.

"So then, I told her that I needed to go," Lincoln said.

"But isn't today a free day for you today?"

"Uh-huh. But I wouldn't want to miss out spending time with my girlfriend, now would I?"

She blushed a crimson red, smile still plastered on her cheeks. Her demure hands reached for her hair, pulling her silky locks that covered her head.

"Y-you didn't have to do that for me. I'm perfectly fine with you spending time with your other friends,"

He reached out his hand, placing it gently on her left cheek, tenderly rubbing it.

"I know. But I wanted to."

He smiled. She smiled. They both smiled.

"I love you, Lincoln."

"I love you too."

He closed his eyes and leaned in close for a kiss, their lips crashing into one another.

Then he woke up.

His eyes fluttered open to the sound of the irritating beeps that emitted from that damn alarm clock. He sat upright in his bed, bleary-eyed, and looked over towards the clock. The clock practically yelled "Six-thirty!" at him, in those big, dumb, stupid bold red font that every annoying alarm clock liked to use. After all, how else are you going to wake up sleepy teenagers that sleep at twelve midnight because they were too busy mining for diamonds?

His bed was small, but it was sizable. He preferred to sleep on the side nearest to the drywall, but at the same time, he disliked it a lot. Firstly, because it seemed like the drywall was way too brittle and soft. He was afraid he would kick in his sleep and it would put a hole in it. Secondly, because it left a large empty area in the remaining space. Almost like someone was supposed to sleep there, but they weren't actually there. If you hadn't guessed by now, yes, Lincoln, in fact, did not have a girlfriend. If he had one, he'd be a lot happier right now.

He sighed. Why didn't anyone want to be with him? He wasn't jacked, but he was kind and nice. Or was that a basic human requirement? All he wanted was someone to cuddle next to, was that so hard?

He got up out of bed, opening the door to the hallway. Outside stood a long line of girls, whom he called sisters. Because they were, you know, his sisters. They had been acting weird since Lincoln matured though. Something about them had changed, and he wasn't sure what it was. Women truly were a mystery.

"Hey Linc, wanna hear a joke?"

The resident funny-woman of the Loud House was about to tell him a pun. Lincoln couldn't place his finger on what was weird about her, but something was definitely off. Her face was red, and she looked like she was sweating a lot.

"Uh, go ahead Luan,"

"A sister asks her brother, 'Hey, do you wanna sleep with me in my bed tonight?' Her brother says, 'No, but thank you!' But she says, 'Oh no, I incest!'"

She then slapped her knee, almost about to keel over and die from how funny the joke was to her. Lincoln, on the other hand, kept a straight face as he heard the joke. Not because it was out of taste, but because it was probably the fifth time he had heard it, this week alone. Why was she making so many incest jokes? Luan was never one to reuse material. If anything, she hated it. It didn't make sense.

Anyways, back to Lincoln's girlfriend problem. Why didn't any girl find him attractive? He had everything girls wanted, he was friendly, kind and somewhat attractive. I mean, he was sure he wasn't a neckbeard. Perhaps it was because he lacked the typical attractive features, chiseled jaw, lean figure, a huge-

Just that moment, the bathroom door unlocked and it swung open. Lincoln snapped out of his train of thought, preparing to enter the bathroom. But from within, a blonde had stepped outside. Lincoln recognized it as his second-eldest sister, Leni. She had apparently forgotten to put on her towel around her body.

"Hey, Leni. I think you left your towel in the bathroom," he said.

However, she had completely ignored his question.

"Hey, Linky! Notice anything?~" she seductively said.

"I noticed you don't have a towel on,"

"I know, do you like it?~"

"Like… what?"

"Do you like my body without a towel on?~"

"I would like it better if you had a towel on."

Her face changed from one of seductiveness to a look of disdain. She scoffed at his remarks and walked off haughtily, which only confused Lincoln even more. What did he say to make her upset?

He shrugged and took over her place from the bathroom. He walked inside, closing the door behind him. He walked over to the sink, which had the bathroom mirror placed directly above it. He took up his sword of hygiene from its holder, squeezing out a dollop of toothpaste onto it, and attacked his mouth with a flurry of swishes and brushes.

Where was he again? Oh, right. On the topic of why he was physically unable to obtain every man's dream in life. A girlfriend. Or a boyfriend, if you were that kind of person. Or both, if you were greedy. He continued brushing his teeth as he scrutinized his face closely in the mirror. He wasn't that unattractive, was he? I mean, maybe he wasn't every girl's type, but surely he was at least one girl's type, right?

He spat out the mixture in his mouth and rinsed it off. He took off his shirt to reveal the toned, muscular and lean- well, not really. All those magazines and movies all showed male teenagers having these ripped, wiry muscles. Lincoln called bullshit. Puberty didn't do anything to him. He looked at his body and maybe saw one… or two defined muscles that stared back at him. He was kinda "skinny-fat" but not really, kinda lean but definitely not mean.

Maybe that was his problem. His body? Maybe girls were looking for a guy who went to the gym 24/7, somebody who lifted weights and did rows and did squats or whatever. His sisters used to say that they weren't bothered by a guy's body shape and that it didn't matter, and what truly mattered was a guy's personality. I mean, it was kinda true, judging from their boyfriends. Bobby was skinny as hell. He had a six-pack, but not the "I go to the gym every day" six-pack, it was the "I haven't eaten anything in the past six months" six-pack. And Chaz was portly and stout. But Leni didn't seem to mind that, seeing as she was in love with him anyway. And his dad was… well, his dad had the dad bod and a beer belly. But Mom didn't seem to mind.

But these were his sisters! (And Mom!) Surely their preferences didn't reflect the general population's opinions. And if their words were right, Lincoln would've at least have gotten one girl by now. Honestly, how hard could it be? Or maybe it wasn't about muscles. Maybe it was about height. Maybe he was too sho-

"Hey, Linc! Do you have a minute?"

Lincoln's train of thought was once again ruined by the voice that startled him outside the bathroom door. He sighed in frustration. How many times would his thought process be interrupted today?

He walked up to the bathroom door.

"Yeah?"

"Uh, dude… I'm kinda running late here, do you mind if I come in and we can… bathe together?"

"Running late? Isn't it only seven?"

" ...yeah, but uh…"

"And isn't sharing a bathroom with me weird?"

"Y-yeah, but um…"

"And-"

"Okay! I get it, Lincoln!"

Silence filled the air as the voice outside the door gradually faded into nothing. Luna wanted to share the bathroom with him? They hadn't bathed together ever since they were kids. And here she was, asking if they would want to bathe with one another? Weird.

Lincoln shrugged. He continued stripping off articles of clothing from his body, his pants, his underwear until he was completely naked. He stared at himself in the mirror again. Sadly, he wasn't tall enough to see his package hanging from the mirror. Maybe that was why he wasn't getting a girlfriend. Because he wasn't packing heat?

He stepped over and into the bathtub, placing both feet firmly on the floor of the porcelain. He twisted the knobs until it was his desired temperature. Maybe it was something he had taken from his sisters, but Lincoln enjoyed spending time in the bathroom. He enjoyed showering and not that other thing you're thinking of.

He continued his discussion with himself as he continued his body's daily maintenance. Maybe body type really was the answer to his problems. He remembered stepping into the men's locker room during P.E. Oh, how he remembered seeing everything. And he remembered seeing himself being seen by other people. Some were bigger, some were smaller. But other than that, he was pretty average.

Maybe that was the problem. Averageness. Maybe he was too average for any girl to actually like him. He didn't stand out from the crowd, with the exception of his white hair. He was average build, average weight, average height, average everything.

He twisted the knobs back again, stopping the shower of rain. He looked down at himself. Maybe if he had enough time he could- Nah. Would take way too long. Was that what women liked? Did they like it long? Not the thing, the act. Did they want it to last long? Judging from the sounds of Mom and Dad… probably not. Maybe they didn't. Or maybe Dad was lighting fast. Actually, why was he on this topic again?

He wrapped a towel around himself. It covered his lower body, leaving his upper body exposed to the outside world. He needed to hurry up, else he would be late for his test on European Socialism. But seriously, what was the point of this test? He wasn't European, nor did he intend to become European. So who gives a crap if they were socialists? It still wouldn't change the fact that he didn't have a girlfriend.

He opened the door and heard the inaudible shrieks of terror from his sisters when he did. Why were they so close to the bathroom door?

"Um… why are you close to the bathroom door?" he asked.

"Because… we wanted to see how long you took…" his sporty sister's words trailed off. She had, for some strange reason, decided to stop looking at him in the eyes, and her eyes had instead trailed lower to his abdomen. Maybe there was a scratch or something there?

"... to shower?" he finished.

She nodded her head without looking at him, again, much to Lincoln's befuddlement. Quizzical, puzzled, perplexed and doubtful, the feelings of confusion washed away from him as he shrugged, giving the 'whatever' look, before walking back to his room. He had noticed something else from his other sisters though. They were all strangely looking at him with red faces as if maybe they had caught him with his pants down. Well, first of all, he was quite sure that the towel hadn't slipped off while he wasn't looking, and second, he wasn't wearing any pants for them to come down. Oh well. The inner machinations of women's minds were an enigma.

Cut to a carton of milk falling over

He closed the door behind him, making sure to close his windows and locking his door. Maybe he should've taken a sick day today, then he would have more time to mope around. After all, he did watch that movie where that one guy told him to lick his palms to fake sickness or whatever.

He moved to his closet, taking out his typical clothing, orange polo, and jeans. Ah… and his prized red-

Wait, where was it?

More knocks on the door sounded off in rapid succession. Oh my god, when would the knocks stop?! Lincoln decided to wing it and opened the door with his lower body behind the door itself. He looked down to see that it was his younger sister. The blonde one. No, not the princess, the other one. Yes, that one.

"Yes, Lana?"

"H-hey, Linc," she said, her face clearly flushed.

Another bout of silence entered the Loud House again, this time between the two of them.

"Uh, I don't have all day, Lana. What is it that you want?" Lincoln said exasperatedly.

"O-oh! I-I wanted to give you something…"

"What is it?"

The handywoman then slipped out a pair of underpants that were maroon red, with white stripes that stitched the undergarment together. To many, they would recognize it as a pair of regular briefs. But to the sharp eye, they would know that it was the special red velvet cotton, non-binding elastic underwear that had a thread count of two thousand. And to Lincoln, they were his prized possessions that protected his prized possessions. Faberge eggs? Did people use that to describe them? Sounds stupid.

Nonetheless, he was grateful.

"Oh! There they are! Thanks, Lana! Where'd you find them?"

"M-my room…"

"Why would they be-"

But before he could ask anything else, she ran off. Huh. Weird. Again. But no matter. This was the Loud House! Nothing was too weird for them. Maybe his sisters were down or whatever. And he wasn't going to let that take him away from today. Maybe he didn't have a girlfriend, but that didn't matter to him. Today was a good day, and he was going to keep it that way. He put on all his clothing and went down the stairs.

Downstairs, he noticed that the noise that usually permeated the air had suddenly vanished into thin air, leaving the silence to fill the air instead. But Lincoln wasn't concerned. In fact, he was more concerned about what girls liked best in a boy.

"Do you like it?" Lori asked.

"HmMmMM?" Lincoln asked/grunted with a mouth full of food.

"I made today's food for you, I hope you like it~," Lori said.

Lincoln was shocked. Lori made breakfast? Since when did she make breakfast? In fact, when has she ever sat next to Lincoln at the table before? Was this even her regular seat? Was any of this even regular? Did they even have regular seats? And why was everybody so quiet?

He swallowed a mouthful of food before answering.

"Oh! Yeah, it's great!"

She blushed at his comment.

"I made it with love~" she suggestively said.

Lincoln looked down at his plate, only to find out that all the food on his plate were heart-shaped. The pancakes were heart-shaped, the eggs were heart-shaped, the syrup on the pancakes was heart-shaped, even the hash browns were heart-shaped?!

"What do you think of it?~"

"O-oh my god, Lori…" he stuttered.

Her sly grin grew wider.

"How did you make the hash browns heart-shaped?!"