Chapter 14
I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR CHARACTERS
As it turned out, Alice avoiding her after they experienced something awkward or exceedingly important together that might have overwhelmingly negative implications seemed to be more than just an occasional thing. After Bella bit her, it was understandable that she avoided the human for a while. It was even understandable for her to avoid Bella after they argued over Leah, even if it was slightly unfair and uncalled for.
But after kissing Bella after explicitly telling her that there could be nothing between them, that nothing could, should, or would ever happen between them despite whatever they felt for each other?
That was not understandable.
Once Bella recovered from her dumbstruck state (which took a considerable amount of time) the first thing she did was sprint from the locker room in search of her friend. She was so pumped up on adrenaline from Victoria and the amazing, out-of-the-blue kiss with Alice that she did not even know what she would say, only that she desperately needed to find Alice and confront her.
She can't just run away after that. She can't. It's not right. She just kissed me! We have to talk! What was she thinking? She said just friends. That's what she said, so why would she do that? Damn it, where the hell is she?
It was all for naught, however, because Bella did not see her in the gym and after inquiring about her with Angela and Jessica and making up some bullshit excuse as to why she had taken so long in the locker room -more stomach issues, to which Angela suggested she see a doctor for- she found out that Alice had requested to go see the nurse, claiming she had a migraine.
And she never came back.
Bella called her three times when she got home and texted her four times, each one more desperate than the last.
Pick up your phone!
Alice, seriously, please pick up your phone.
Alice, please. This isn't fair. We need to talk about this.
Bella hesitated on the last one, but her frustration had begun to take hold when she got absolutely nothing for her frantic efforts. She sent it while pacing back and forth in her room.
Just pick up your damn phone Alice! Stop avoiding me! You can't kiss me like that and just run away! Please, I'm not mad, just answer the phone, or come talk to me, I don't care. Please, Alice.
Nothing.
She got nothing at all.
And when she finally went to bed after waiting for hours for an answer, there was still nothing. And when Saturday morning came, it was more of the same. She called two more times but even as she listened to the dial tone, she knew it was useless. She could feel it in her gut that Alice wasn't going to pick up, that that kiss had crossed a line, even though Bella wasn't exactly sure what that line was or what it meant.
All she knew was that as more time passed by and she still got no response from Alice, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach grew, and grew, and grew, and as it did, so did her rising sense of anger towards Alice.
Everything was made all the worse by how incredible that kiss had been.
It had been unreal. It still felt surreal to think about it, like a sensation that blissful was not allowed to exist in reality.
We kissed. Alice kissed me. She leaned in and kissed me, and it was the best kiss, the best feeling I've ever had in my life. I've never felt anything like that before. I didn't even know feelings like that could exist. She was so beautiful and soft and she smelled so good, and she's my best friend but it was just a stupid kiss and I don't know why it means so much but it did, and now she won't even talk to me. She won't fucking talk to me after she kissed me, after telling me that we could never be anything but friends…
But friends don't feel like that for each other. Friends don't die a little on the inside and live so much in one breathless kiss that two friends should not even be sharing. Friends don't yearn for one another the way Bella yearned for Alice.
And friends most certainly do not kiss one another the way Alice had kissed her, so sweetly, so heartbreaking, so intimately.
It was just a kiss. Just one kiss, and Bella could not get it off her mind for even a second. Alice consumed her thoughts, driving her crazy, and so she texted and called and left pleading voice messages but got nothing.
No answer, no reply, nada, zip, zilch, fuck all.
All the while her brain buzzed and her heart raced and every time she pictured it again in her mind, she felt like she was floating a few feet off the ground. She had never kissed someone and felt so much from it. Even when she had kissed Alice after biting her for the second time, when she was doped up on pheromones and half out of her mind had not made her feel so much. And she couldn't shake it, couldn't get it off her mind.
When Sunday rolled around, Bella tried one last time. She called Alice, clinging to the phone with tears lurking in her eyes, listening to the humming echo as the line tried to reach through and connect her to the voice of her best friend. There was a soft, faint click and Bella's breathing hitched in excitement-
"I'm sorry, the person you are trying to reach is not available at this time. If you would like to leave a message-"
"God damn it!" Bella cried and mashed the end button as the robotic answering machine met her ears again.
She won't pick up. She won't answer. She won't talk to me.
The tears quivered at the corners of her eyes, and finally fell as she pressed her face into her hands and choked back a sob of frustration and hurt. Alice was avoiding her after taking an action in their friendship that could so easily destroy it, after going back on everything she said. She had reached into Bella's chest and cupped her heart in her hands, kissed it so lovingly, and then stolen away with it like a thief in the night before the brunette could do anything to stop her.
Helplessly, because she did not know what else to do, Bella sent Alice one last text. It was only one word.
Please.
She had not known how deep the feelings ran. They were pulsing through her core and her soul in a terrifyingly powerful way, and that kiss had sent them thrumming through her chest, and now Alice wasn't even picking up her fucking phone.
After waiting silently for a solid five minutes, she got nothing.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.
The anger in her belly gave a sharp twist that made her clench her fists.
Alice won't pick up. She won't answer. She won't talk to me, she thought furiously. After everything we've been through, she won't even do me the courtesy of picking up her phone to talk to me about it. She can't even do me the dignity of breaking my heart, of ruining us in person after she kissed me. She won't talk to me…
Bella stormed over to her dresser, grabbed her keys and snatched her jacket off of her bed before stomping out of her room and down the staircase, teeth gritted and eyes watery but hard. She burst out of her house and stomped over to her truck, which still wasn't fixed. The passenger side door was tied tightly shut through the handle to the headrest of the seat with a tarp over the shattered window. Looking at it made Bella even angrier as it reminded her of Alice defending her all over again, and when she got in she slammed the door so hard that the poor old vehicle shook before shoving the keys into the ignition and starting it up.
Thunder clapped faintly in the distance as she backed out of her driveway and then tore down the street, pressing the gas pedal almost to the floor as her furious emotions began to overwhelm her.
Alice won't talk to me…But I'm for damn sure going to talk to her.
"Why won't you talk to me Alice?" Jasper demanded as they stood in their room together.
Alice avoided his eyes, knowing it was useless. She crossed her arms and stared out the window, watching the storm clouds rolling in. Even inside she could smell the ozone in the air, the water swelling in the sky.
There was a storm coming, and from the looks of it, it promised to be nasty.
"Look at me," Jasper commanded when Alice couldn't bear to meet his eyes.
I can't, Alice thought weakly, closing her own instead. I can't do it. Not now. Not anymore. Not after…
"Look at me!"
But she did.
Alice turned her gaze on to Jasper reluctantly, slowly. When she saw him standing there with his seething golden eyes fading rapidly to burnt amber, saw his frame trembling just slightly, it became all she could do not to break down in front of him.
But she couldn't. She didn't have the right to break down, not in her mind.
"I can feel you," Jasper said in a shaky voice. He took a step closer to her and Alice put a hand on his firm chest, feeling the way it shuddered when he breathed his deep, unnecessary breaths that must have filled his head with her scent. It clawed at her, made her own breathing ache as it matched his.
He doesn't know what's wrong. He only knows that something is wrong, Alice acknowledged miserably. And he knows it's bad. You can feel me, Jasper. You always could. And so you know…
"I can feel what you feel. You know I can," he told her with a voice that was not as strong as he was trying to make it sound. "I can feel you hurting. I hate when I feel you hurting. And I can feel your guilt. You're ashamed, and you're aching, but you won't tell me why. You did something you regret. You're hiding something from me, and it's killing you. Please, Alice, just talk to me. Tell me what's wrong. Tell me what happened. What did you do?" Jasper begged.
Alice shook her head helplessly, mutely chewing the inside of her lip as she stared back at him, hating herself, hating everything she felt and wishing for once that he couldn't feel it too.
"Please, just tell me. You can tell me Alice. I won't be angry. I won't be mad at you, whatever it is. You can tell me, I promise," he insisted softly with his Southern accent becoming more pronounced in his distress.
He was grabbing at her heartstrings, pulling them with his pleading. Alice had loved him, been married to him for fifty years, and even to this day Jasper was still impossible to hurt without feeling all of it come back around to bitch slap her with the might of karma, or God, or some other wrathful force to punish her for it.
He was too good, too loving, too gentle and kindhearted to hurt. How could anyone ever look a man like Jasper Hale in the eyes and confess to something that would undoubtedly break him?
Alice couldn't. She hated herself for it, but she couldn't. She was confused and hurting, too, and she had done it all to herself, but she could not own up to it, not just yet. She couldn't find her footing, couldn't get a handle on her emotions when her emotions were never something that got out of her control until they were to the most extreme, the most volatile, the most intense.
Her phone chose that moment to chirp in her hand, where she had been cradling it all weekend, trying to pick it up when Bella called, trying to reply to her texts but never quite finding the courage to do it or never knowing just what to say.
She just didn't know. Alice didn't know anymore. She didn't know her left from her right or her up from her down, what she really felt anymore. She had kissed Bella. She had crossed the line between friends and something more, had betrayed Jasper's love in the ultimate way by cheating on him when she lost herself in Bella's eyes and kissed her, kissed her with so much feeling and longing that she had never felt before in her long, entire life.
How was she supposed to tell him that? How? How was she supposed to look Jasper in the eyes and tell him that Bella, an eighteen year old human girl, was blinding her? How was she supposed to tell her husband of five decades that when she kissed Bella, she felt so alive and real and perfect, as if her undead heart could actually beat, and that she had never felt that way when she kissed him? How was she supposed to explain what was happening inside her traitorous, wretched heart when even she herself did not know?
She didn't know anymore. She was so confused and torn and feeling things she shouldn't feel for Bella, and she didn't know what to do to make it better, to fix it, to find the solution because her heart was screaming at her but she had no idea what the hell it was trying to say.
So when her phone went off, she looked at it instead of answering Jasper, like a coward. It was a text from Bella, of course.
It was only one word, and that one word pierced through her chest like a spear and made her purse her lips to stop the onslaught of emotion that surged through her.
Please.
Just please. Nothing more, nothing less, and it very nearly broke her down right then and there.
And Jasper felt it.
"It's her, isn't it?" Jasper said softly, so softly she almost didn't hear him. Alice looked up quickly, her lips parting as she tried to find some way to hide the truth from him, but it was useless. He could feel what she felt, and there was no getting around it. He was not stupid, or oblivious. He knew how close she was to Bella, and could undoubtedly feel the firestorm raging in her emotions whenever the girl came around. It was not so hard to guess who had been frantically trying to reach her all weekend, to guess the reason she had barely spoken a single word to him in two days, and could not meet his eyes until he couldn't stand it and cornered her at the current time in their bedroom to demand answers from her.
"Jasper, I-"
"It's Bella, isn't it? Tell me the truth, Alice. Just tell me if it's true," Jasper demanded, and when she opened her mouth to somehow deny it, soothe his fears, his worries, he gasped out one desperate word.
"Please."
Her heart cracked again, threatening to shatter, and Alice could only give in under the weight of both of their pleading, their need of her to answer them, to tell them what was happening inside her, what she was doing to them all. She was breaking every single one of their hearts, and she didn't know what to do to fix them again.
"Yes," Alice breathed, her eyes welling up. "Yes. It's Bella."
Jasper straightened at her confirmation, and Alice felt the stirrings of panic begin as his face tightened.
"Jazz, please, just listen to me-"
"Did you sleep with her?" Jasper cut her off, and Alice tensed.
"No, Jasper. I would never…No," she shook her head furiously, putting both hands on his chest now and gazing into his darkening eyes with desperation, a growing fear that he was about to leave her, end everything in one fell swoop building inside her.
She couldn't let that happen. She loved Jasper. She was in love with Jasper, wasn't she? Fifty years. It had been fifty years, and the proof of it was on his finger, wrapped in a simple gold band of dedication. Bella couldn't erase all that, no matter what wild feelings she brought out in Alice.
But then why had she betrayed that ring when she kissed the girl? Why had she betrayed her supposedly undying, eternal love with Jasper for one sweet kiss?
It didn't matter. No matter what she felt for Bella, she couldn't lose Jasper. She couldn't.
At her sincere denial of the accusation, Jasper seemed to relax the slightest bit. Yet he still asked a moment later, "Did you kiss her?"
And Alice could not lie to him. There was no use denying it. Even if she had wanted to or tried to, he already had his answer when the influx of her shame and guilt pulsed through his powers, and he grimaced when she nodded miserably to affirm it.
"Yes," Alice breathed anyway, aching as she finally revealed to him the troubles of her heart, why she had been unable to even meet his eyes as of late, to touch him, to fall into his arms or kiss him or make love to him, anything.
She wanted to fall to her knees and beg for forgiveness when his eyes flashed and he shuddered, a low vibration humming under her fingers as he growled quietly.
"You kissed her," Jasper repeated, mouth tightening, and Alice's heart cracked a little more. It was his next question, however, that nearly smashed it altogether.
"Do you love her?"
It struck her stupid, honestly. Alice reared back, but he caught her wrists in his hands and held them tightly, almost too tightly. He stared deep into her eyes and refused to let her look away, and Alice could only give a feeble sob as the emotions inside her warred like two snarling dogs.
I love you! She wanted to say, but couldn't. I love you Jasper…And I don't know if I love her, too. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know!
How had it all gotten so twisted? How had Bella done this to her so easily?
If there was one thing that they both cherished in their relationship, one thing they could never go back on, it was honesty.
"I don't know," Alice answered morosely. "I don't know, Jasper, I just don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I have feelings for her, and you know that. You can feel what I feel, and I can't make them stop. I don't know how to make it stop, and I'm sorry, but I know I love you, I do b-but-I just-"
Jasper's hands dropped her wrists and clasped across her face. He hushed her softly and when she began to cry he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly, snugly against him and Alice could only cling to him and sob, unbelievably grateful that he wasn't screaming at her or shoving her away even though she had no idea why he wouldn't.
Other than the fact that he loved her so very much.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Alice whimpered. "Jazz, I'm so sorry…"
"Shh," he whispered, petting her hair. "Alice, it's alright. I'm not mad at you, please don't cry."
Disbelief made her pull back and stare up into his now blackened eyes.
He's not mad? How could he not be mad? She had just confessed to having feelings for someone else, and to kissing them, but he wasn't mad?
"You like her," Jasper murmured, cupping her face again when he saw her staring. His voice was thick and grating now, the way it got when his instincts were hovering just beneath the surface. She could sense the pain in him when he spoke, and it killed her. I put that pain in him, she thought. I did, by being a selfish, stupid idiot. And Bella made me that selfish, stupid idiot, because she's so unfathomably beautiful and…And perfect. Too perfect…
"I know that. I think I've known that for a long time. Alice…Alice, it hurts. I won't lie to you. I hate that you feel anything for anyone at all other than me…But you love me. You love me, don't you?"
"Of course!" she replied vehemently, her own hands going to his cheeks. She tensed when she felt him press against her, closely, melding their bodies together.
"And you don't love Bella," he continued, his tone heavy and rugged now. She could see the vampire in him stirring restlessly. His control was still lacking, and it was hard to miss the possessiveness in his voice, the jealousy and anger despite his claim that he wasn't mad at her.
Yet when she opened her mouth to affirm that, no sound came out. Jasper kept going as if he didn't notice.
"You love me, and I love you. Sometimes people lose their way, Alice, I understand. I know more than anyone how confusing emotions can be and you and Bella are very close. But I love you, with all my heart. And I know you love me too. I know you may be confused, but let me help you remember. Let me help you remember why we've been together for so long, why we love each other the way we do. Let me love you, Alice, and I swear you won't ever second guess again. Bella won't mean anything to you compared to me if you let me love you, prove to you why you love me and not her or anyone else again," Jasper growled, and Alice was not surprised when he leaned in and kissed her firmly on the mouth.
She was not surprised, because she knew him so well. She could hear the heat in his voice, and felt him hardening against her, and did not resist when he moved in. Alice knew what he was trying to do, knew what he was trying to prove, trying to achieve. She could tell part of it was his inner vampire hungering to make his mark, remind her that she was his, but knew a big part of it was the fear in his heart, the need to reestablish to them both that Alice loved him, not Bella.
"Let me love you, Alice. Let me make love to you," Jasper rumbled against her lips, kissing her. "Let me help you remember who you love."
She knew what he was trying to do, and so she let him. She let him pull at her clothes and fall on top of her into their bed, but she did not say a word, and part of her wanted to say no because the last thing she really wanted right now was sex, while the rest of her submitted because she needed to know as much as he did.
Alice needed to know the answer to the question he had asked. She needed to know if she loved only him, if when he entered her that it was only Jasper that she saw, Jasper that she wanted, Jasper that she needed, something she should not even be doubting in the first place…
There was something she still had not told him, something that had been eating her up since the moment it happened, and was one of the most front running thoughts that confused her head and heart so easily, that had started the war inside of her, and it was the fact that the night Victoria whipped her, when she was clinging to the post and trying to pretend with all her might that it was Jasper she wrapped her arms around, that she saw Bella instead.
Alice had wished it were Bella she was clinging to for comfort. Jasper had been replaced with the image of the beautiful doe eyed human girl without her conscious permission. And for weeks now whenever she kissed him, she got flashes of the same. And now she needed to know if it would happen again, if when she wrapped her arms around Jasper as he kissed and bit at her neck and ran his hands over her body, if she had the real thing in her arms, if once more he would turn into Bella…
Alice needed to know if she still loved him the way she thought she did. But she also needed to know if she loved Bella, and more than that, if she loved her more.
By the time Bella pulled up to the Cullen residence and parked, her simmering anger had become a genuine rage.
After all we've been through, and she can't even pick up her phone for one second. She kissed me, not the other way around, and now she won't even talk to me. Well, I've had it. Alice is going to talk to me, one way or another, damn it, she thought furiously as she jumped out of her truck and flung the door shut. Another rumble of thunder echoed in the distance.
Bella noticed that the driveway was unusually empty. Usually at least three cars were parked in it because the garage was filled with a number of other expensive automobiles the Cullens had collected over the years, but today she got a prime spot halfway up the driveway, pulling in next to Alice's personal sleek yellow Lamborghini Aventador. She acknowledged it grimly, taking it as a sign that the pixie would indeed be home. The fact that Alice owned a car worth at least four hundred thousand dollars had worn off after seeing it so many times –Carlisle had lived for hundreds of years, and great money tended to be made when you were a beautiful and incredibly intelligent doctor- and it certainly didn't even cross her mind in the state she was in.
She stomped over to the door and debated ringing the doorbell, but she never did that anyway. She was over so much that it was common sense and expected of her to walk in without having to be let in, and the door was never locked because-well, why would a bunch of vampires need to lock their doors?
So Bella just twisted the knob and barged in, not even having the presence of mind to shut the door behind her. She hurried through the foyer and the living room, headed for upstairs to Alice's room where the pixie generally hung out, desperately hoping Esme wasn't here because if the Cullen matriarch stopped to greet her right now, she wasn't sure how polite or civil she could manage to be.
But lady luck was on her side, and not one Cullen appeared to be hovering around as she made her way up the staircase.
Bella was fuming. Alice had ignored her and avoided her for too damn long. The vampire had kissed her, and she would be damned if she was going to be ignored any longer. She had had enough.
She's going to talk to me, and I'm going to yell at her, and we're going to settle this right here and now, she thought angrily, jogging down the hallway.
Still no Cullens had appeared. No Emmett popping up to grin and make a witty joke to her, no scowling Rosalie, no brooding Edward, no Jasper…And no Alice.
Bella was hesitant as she made her way to Alice's door, wondering if no one was actually home. It seemed like they were all on an outing together or something, or maybe having a family hunting time as they sometimes did. Maybe that was why she had not been able to get a hold of Alice…
But no, Alice always found time to answer her, even with a short text to tell her she was busy. If Alice wasn't answering her for days, it was on purpose.
Bella was starting to think that maybe no one really was home anyway even as she approached Alice's door, and she hesitated, wondering if her irate state and the determination to talk to Alice was for nothing because the girl wasn't even here. Or any other of the Cullens for that matter. She wouldn't even get the chance to ask someone about Alice, demand that they tell her where she was or wait for the girl to come back.
And then she heard a quiet noise from behind Alice's door.
All her anger came rushing back, and it was with a mild sense of triumph and the anxiety of confrontation that she then burst into Alice's room.
"Alice! We need to-"
Pheromones blasted her dizzy.
Bella halted, freezing as a delicious scent flooded her brain. The smell of sex, mint, and a curious blend of berries and freshly mowed grass filled her nose, and the air in the room felt thick and hot.
But it was none of that that stopped her cold. It was not the pheromones, or the quality of the air, or the aroma that tugged at her lower belly insistently. It was none of that.
It was the sight of Alice, pinned beneath Jasper with her pale, lovely legs wound around his rocking waist, her face over his shoulder with her beautiful swirling oil slick eyes tearing right into Bella, her pink heart shaped lips parted in ecstasy with her gleaming fangs fully extended as she moaned a sweet, high pitched moan and Jasper snarled vampirically above her.
For that brief moment when Alice's eyes met hers, she couldn't move. Her feet fused to the floor and shock made her knees lock up. She still clung to the doorknob, eyes wide and mouth hanging open.
At the sound of Alice's moan, the trance broke.
Bella hurled herself backwards, yanking the door shut with an almighty slam behind her. She let go of the knob as if it had seared her and staggered, almost falling over as a sick, nauseous feeling bloomed in her belly.
"Oh my God," Bella breathed, staring at the door in front of her.
Oh my God, she thought, and then she turned and bolted.
Her legs felt like jelly as the most awful feeling she had ever felt pooled inside her chest and gut. It pulled at her insides, burned in her throat, and closed it violently. She stumbled down the staircase, breathing hard for no clear physical reason other than the terrible emotion welling up inside her.
Oh my God, she thought. Oh my God!
She staggered into the living room, desperate to keep moving, to get away from the disgust and gut wrenching ache building in her. She felt strangely numb on the outside, and was not seeing anything in front of her.
All she could see was the image of Jasper on top of Alice, seared into her retinas like the bawdy flash of a camera, lingering in her vision despite her desperate wish for it to go away.
His narrow waist, thrusting between her thighs. The muscles of his back flexed as they moved beneath her slender hands. The way he tightened up when she trembled beneath him. The look on her face as he moved inside her.
Alice's face, screwed up in bliss, and the beautiful, terrible sound of pleasure she released, like an angel's cry, while her whirling ebony eyes plunged into Bella's soul.
"God!" Bella cried, screwing her eyes shut as she staggered out the front door and inhaled the outside air like a dying man heaving for his last breath. The cold oxygen did nothing to soothe her aching lungs.
She needed the images to stop.
They had to go away.
The hysterical urge to bleach her brain overcame Bella. She wanted nothing more than to dunk her mind in gasoline and set it on fire, burn away the image of them until it was ash and gone, till the memory was nonexistent, till she could believe she had never seen it at all.
But she couldn't.
And the emotion that was rippling through her frame right now had tears streaming down her face, and she couldn't say why it hurt so much, but it did. She knew Jasper and Alice had sex. They were married. They were married vampires for God's sake. She knew that.
But knowing it and seeing it were two wholly different things as she had come to find out, and she could not block it out.
It shouldn't hurt so much. It shouldn't matter. She shouldn't even care, but she did, and so she sprinted for her truck, fumbling with her keys as her heart hammered sickly in her chest.
She never got inside her truck.
"Bella!" a familiar, high pitched voice cried. It sent the hairs on the back of her neck shooting up and she tensed so violently that she tripped and dropped her keys on the concrete. Swearing in panic, in undeniable hysteria, she spun on one heel and wanted to scream or die or sob when she the blur that was Alice came darting out of the house and appeared right in front of her. She refused to get a good look at her, sure that if she did that she would have a meltdown, as if she weren't already.
"Bella, stop!" Alice begged when Bella lunged like a madwoman for her keys. Bella ignored her, scrambling for them and straightening only when she had them in her trembling fist. "Bella, stop it, please. Will you please just stop? Bella!"
"WHAT?" she exploded, whirling on her when Alice's voice rose to an insistent, unrelenting volume that clawed at her ears with its desperation. "What do you want?"
She was yelling, unreasonably so, and her voice cracked when she saw Alice fully.
The vampire stood before her in a white, long sleeved button up t-shirt where the buttons were all snapped up one too high and half the top ones weren't even done up, and a pair of black boy shorts, and nothing else.
Alice was standing close to her, close enough so that when Bella inhaled sharply, she smelled the sex on her, the mouth watering aroma of her white chocolate and berries scent with that underlying lacing of peppermint that all vampires produced. If it had been only this, Bella would have swooned, but no, Alice's scent was mixed with an overpowering smell of freshly mowed grass and maple syrup.
Jasper.
The smell of him on her made something inside her rear back and snarl in protest even as Alice stood before her with her jet black hair disheveled and her gorgeous face in an attire that should have made her blush, but didn't because she knew why Alice looked as ruffled and underdressed as she did.
Because they had been having sex.
Alice and Jasper had been fucking.
And she could not get the image of it out of her head, and it killed her.
"I want you to calm down. Bella, what are you doing here?" Alice demanded, tone beseeching as Bella stared at her with her eyes streaming and burning and her face screwed up.
Bella had no answer for her, not anymore.
"I'm leaving. I was just going," she breathed out, realizing that she couldn't tell Alice the truth of why she had come, not now. She couldn't do it, not after seeing them together. Her anger had been replaced by that nauseous feeling still swirling in her stomach, a devastated sort of pain. "I'm not-I didn't mean-I'm sorry for barging in. I shouldn't have-I'm sorry. I'm just leaving…"
Alice looked at her with disbelief and unbelieving eyes, not fooled for a second.
"Bella, stop it. Why are you crying? What's wrong? Don't-I'm sorry you saw that. I didn't know-If I had known you were coming over, I never would have…"
Alice trailed away when Bella's face screwed up in anguish, and all the emotions crushing her chest came surging back before she could control them.
"Of course you didn't know. You wouldn't pick up your phone and talk to me!" she yelled, balling up her fists.
Bella was aware that she was running entirely on emotion right now. She couldn't think, just feel. It was a terrifying sensation at the same time that it was liberating.
But Alice drew back, affronted at her tone. Her worry over Bella quickly melted to indignation.
"No, I didn't. It doesn't feel too good to be ignored, does it?" Alice snapped, and Bella swelled up furiously.
"That was different! You told me we didn't need to talk anymore, remember? You told me we were getting too close for comfort, so I backed off! And you're the one that kissed me, not the other way around! So you don't get to ignore me like that, Alice!" Bella snarled, unable to control herself.
She knew though, and so did Alice, that they were fighting for a real reason, not just randomly going off on each other. Everything they had been smothering was about to be shoved to the surface, courtesy of Bella's had-enough-of-this-shit attitude, and the fact of what had set her off.
"Why are you yelling at me?" Alice demanded irately, her own voice rising. "What is wrong with you, Bella? You come barging into my room and then go rushing out, crying, and now you're shouting at me. What is the matter with you?"
The fact that Alice was asking her that infuriated Bella.
It wasn't like she didn't know. There was no way Alice couldn't know why Bella was yelling and crying and had run out so fast. Alice knew her better than that. Alice knew everything that had happened between them, and she was lying through her perfect fucking teeth if she was going to play dumb like she didn't know what the matter with Bella was.
"Because, Alice!" Bella cried, throwing up her hands and staring at her with what could only be a hint of the hurricane of feeling swirling inside her.
She shouldn't be feeling this much. She shouldn't be acting or reacting this way. It shouldn't hurt so much to look into Alice's eyes and see her pretty face, shouldn't be so difficult to be in her presence.
"Because what, Bella? What is it!" Alice yelled, her shoulders hunching as her jaw locked up, that one tantalizing muscle going in it. Her anger seemed to be only a reaction to Bella's, a defense mechanism. Bella could see the maelstrom in her eyes, the windows of her soul giving away the only hint to the fact that she was as high strung and feeling as much as Bella was, though what she was actually feeling, Bella could never say.
Because, Bella thought furiously. Because…
She didn't know what. But then again, deep down, she did. She could feel it rising, ascending slowly, an epiphany seconds from being realized. Her mind whirled a thousand miles a minute, everything overloading, working over as she fell apart in front of Alice for that one reason she just couldn't grasp.
The clouds above boiled, gunmetal gray, the world darkening a shade. They trembled with the rain pooled inside them.
"Because!" Bella repeated helplessly, shrinking back now, frightened of everything she was feeling. She didn't know what to say, how to explain to Alice why she was crying or why she had run out, or why she was so angry at her and hurting.
But Alice did not relent.
"Because what!" Alice exploded, gesturing wildly with one hand, flinging it out wide. "What, Bella? What is wrong? Tell me, Bells, please, because I really don't fucking know! I don't know how to help you if you won't tell me what's wrong! Why are you crying? Why are you so upset? Because of what?"
"Because I LOVE YOU!" Bella screamed.
A flash of lightning lit up the world and a mighty boom of thunder cracked across the sky above them, and the skies opened up and began to pour.
Alice froze, lips parted and eyes wide, both literally and figuratively thunderstruck.
Bella was the same, her chest heaving as the rain came down in a sudden torrent, showering the world. The only sound was of it hitting the ground, pattering down on her truck and Alice's car, the rustle of it splashing into the grass. They were both soaked through almost instantly.
I love her, Bella realized as they both stood silently, statue still.
I love her…
The sincerity of it, the raw truth and finality of it settled over her.
Bella did not just like Alice. She loved her. These feelings were far too strong to be a simple crush.
The hurricane inside her seemed to quiet down, the gale force winds ripping and tearing at her heart lessening to a soft breeze that was almost soothing even as anxiety wrestled with it.
Bella loved Alice. She loved her…
That was why it hurt so much. That was why she couldn't stand to see her with Jasper. That was why she was crying, and why she grew so angry and hurt that she stormed into her house without warning. That was why the kiss had been so beautifully and utterly perfect, so eye opening.
Because she loved her.
"I love you," Bella repeated, her voice cracking when Alice only stared, her hair sticking to her face and her expression totally unreadable. It was astonishing how much she knew it to be true, how she had not known before now that she had said it aloud.
Yet she had just told Alice, just admitted it to her in the fit she had had to realize it.
And there was no taking that back.
"You love me?" Alice breathed as if in a dream, her whole face smoothing out into a mask that terrified Bella.
This is it, she thought. I've finally found the one thing that will really break us.
Because love was a whole lot different than liking each other. Being in love with Alice changed things entirely.
"I love you, and I'm sorry," Bella whimpered, folding her arms around her middle protectively. "I'm crying because of that, because I know what that means. I n-never meant-I didn't mean to fall for you, but somehow I have. I know that now, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
Alice didn't say anything and her silence was a dagger to Bella's heart. She took a shaky breath, trembling as the cold rain seemed to seep into her bones.
I don't know how it came to this. And I don't know how to save us this time, Bella thought miserably. All I have is what I've told her, and I can't take it back now.
"So that's why I'm leaving, Alice. I was just going to go. And I know-I know it's not fair for me to be upset or angry with you over what you and Jas-What you and him were-"
Bile rose in the back of her throat and she couldn't get the words out.
"It's none of my business, and I have no right to be upset. I know-I know you kissed me, and I-I know you like me, but I also k-know that it's not…You don't love me. You love Jasper, and that's okay. That's fine. I get that," Bella continued, her voice shaking.
She knew she was rambling, but the longer Alice starred, so expressionless, not giving anything away, not saying a word, the more she felt like she needed to say something, anything.
"So that's why…I'm not…This isn't to pressure you-Or ask you for anything more. I was going to come here today and demand we talk about the kiss but I know-I get it now, how it is, and that's fine. You're with Jasper, and you will be forever, and n-nothing can happen between us…So I'm just going to go, okay? And if you…If you don't want to be friends anymore, I'll understand…"
Her voice broke so pitifully that she had to stifle a sob, and Alice's eyes visibly flashed at the sound of it.
God, Bella's heart was breaking. She could feel it, little pieces of it breaking away and falling in jagged shards that cut the inside of her chest.
She loved Alice, and Alice loved Jasper, and this would be their breaking point. She could tell by Alice's reaction that there was no getting back from this admission, from her epiphany.
So she found out she loved the girl and was going to lose her all at the same time.
"Just let me know, okay? At least say goodbye if that's how it's going to be. If you can't be friends with me anymore, I understand. B-But please…At least give me that much. At least say goodbye. I love you, Alice, and I'm sorry for it. I'm sorry I love you and if I could make it stop I would, but I can't. I'm sorry."
"You love me," Alice said again, tonelessly, this time stating it. Bella was almost exasperated by the fact that this was all she was getting from Alice.
"Yes," Bella breathed. "Yes, Alice. I love you."
Maybe if she said it like that it would really get through to the girl.
She waited breathlessly for something more from Alice, anything, and died on the inside when she still got nothing. She was still getting nothing from her, and so nothing would have to be what she took.
Bella turned, keys in hand, and took a step towards her truck, her heart and legs so heavy that it took all her effort to move them. She needed to move them faster, so she could leave and break the fuck apart in peace, not in front of Alice like the pathetic person she was. She had to go. The urgency to be away from this returned with a vengeance.
"Bella."
At the sound of her name, Bella swiftly turned back, hopeful despite herself.
And Alice was on her.
She barely had time to gasp before Alice was kissing her, cupping the back of her head to pull them together. Bella breathed in lightning as Alice kissed her, kissed her with a passion that was so intense that it was like leaping from a plane with no parachute, arms wide open, and instead of falling downward, she soared upwards.
She was flying.
She didn't know why Alice did it. She had no idea why Alice was suddenly kissing her.
All she cared was that she did, and it felt fucking incredible.
The floating feeling magnified by a thousand as Alice wrapped one arm around her waist and pulled them flush to each other while stepping forward until Bella's back hit the grill of her truck, hard enough to hurt in only the best possible way. Bella cried out into Alice's mouth, tasting the berries on her lips, the white chocolate on her tongue as it dipped into her mouth.
She hated the foreign taste of pears she found lingering in Alice's mouth, but it only made her kiss back twice as hard, a primal urge to erase any hint of Jasper with her own self, and shuddered when Alice moaned her beautiful moan in response.
It was amazing how much better she sounded when it was Bella making her do so and not anyone else. It sent tingles shooting up her spine, electricity coursing through her nervous system as Alice pressed against her and lifted her onto her tiptoes, hands grabbing for the human's waist and squeezing at her hips as Bella's fingers raked through her black locks.
Jesus Christ! Bella thought in exhilaration as she felt Alice's breasts pressing into hers. The pixie wasn't wearing a bra, and the thought that if she properly looked down she would see the outline of them through the shirt made her toes curl as Alice kissed her and kissed her and kissed her until she thought she might pass out from lack of oxygen, or die.
And if she died right then, so be it. It would be a brilliant death, an undyingly happy way to go. She did not know why Alice was kissing her, or what had possessed her to do so, only that she never, ever wanted her to stop.
It was not the sexuality of it that made the thrill coursing through her veins so strong, though. The kiss from before didn't compare. It was nothing to the way that it felt right then, when Bella's heart leapt out of her chest and went sailing away, high above the storm clouds, into a place where she had not known it could reach. Her whole body hummed in response to Alice's touch. Her world shifted into a clear cut focus revolving around Alice, the way Alice tasted, the way she felt, the way she moved, who she was and how much Bella loved her.
She really, really loved her, and kissing her while knowing that she loved Alice like this made it so much better. It wasn't just fireworks. It was not sparks. It was a roaring, unadulterated wildfire, a supernova that spread throughout her limbs, warming her in the icy rain, the cold temperature of Alice's skin somehow heating her up instead of freezing her.
But Alice made it even better than that.
Just when Bella was ready to pass out for real, not caring that she couldn't breathe because of how they kissed so furiously, so desperately and adoringly and passionately and how amazing it felt, Alice pulled away.
The terror she felt at that was indescribable, as she waited for Alice to drop her and run like before, but that didn't happen.
"God damn it, Bella!" Alice gasped against her mouth, pressing their foreheads together as she stared right into Bella's eyes, their pupils centimeters away from each other. Bella whimpered at the closeness, clinging so tightly to Alice's shoulders in her fear that the girl would run now, would leave after that.
She couldn't. Alice wouldn't dare. She couldn't.
"God damn it, Bella," Alice said again, softer and in a broken voice. Bella trembled against her as Alice cupped her cheeks and held them tightly. Bella could feel her hands shaking, feel the softness of her breasts, the curves of her waist; a stark opposition to the metal grill digging into her back.
She waited with bated breath, chest heaving, and whimpering when Alice dotted several swift, chaste kisses to her mouth, until Bella could stand it no more and kissed her firmly again even though she wasn't sure if she was allowed to initiate it, but the vampire groaned and kissed her back briefly before reluctantly prying their mouths apart once more as if it was physically difficult to do so. It sure as hell was physically impossible for Bella to do so. The only way their lips would ever break apart was if Alice did it for them.
"Bella," she gasped weakly, and Bella kept her eyes wide open as Alice kept their foreheads pressed together and stared into her, down deep into the intimate heart of her, her eyes a tempest, her face so beautiful in the rain, her frosty breath puffing tantalizingly over Bella's lips.
"Bella, I love you too. I love you too."
Bella shuddered violently, her lips parting in shock.
What? There's no way…No…Did she just say…
She loves me too?
"God damn me for it, but I love you too, Bella. I love you too," Alice sobbed, clenching her eyes shut and leaning into her so heavily that her back creaked in protest, but she didn't care.
She did not care about anything, nothing but what Alice had just admitted to her, just breathed against her lips in a breaking, broken, adoring and emotionally saturated voice.
She loves me too, Bella wondered, and her heart exploded with some joyous sensation that made her give a hysterical half sob half laugh, not believing it even as she did.
"You love me too?" she gasped, the sky shuddering with another flash of lightning and thunder.
"Yes," Alice breathed, eyes opening again, so close that Bella could have counted each long dark lash, and Bella knew deep in her resonating soul that it was true. "I love you too, Bella, I love you too…"
There was nothing else Bella could do but surge forward and kiss her again. She gripped Alice's face tightly in her hands and died and lived more in that moment than she ever had before, because Alice loved her too.
She knew the sob Alice released into her mouth was as miserable as it was elated, and that broke her heart, but Alice kissed her back so desperately that she could not linger on it.
I love Alice. And she loves me.
We love each other, Bella thought, kissing and clinging to her. Alice loves me.
Bella knew that she could stay right there forever, kissing Alice into eternity, forever locked in that one blissful, perfect moment.
Alas, like all good things, it had to come to an end.
And so it did when the sound of a guttural snarl met her ears and Alice spun away from her so fast that she was a little dumbstruck, and Bella peeled her eyes open to see that it was Jasper who had ripped her from her heaven as he stepped off the front porch, naked from the waist up. The jeans he wore hung low on his hips and his lean, shaking muscular form was drenched as he stepped towards them, out from under the porch ceiling and into the rain. His honey golden ringlets drooped around his ears, and his upper lip was curled back to reveal very deadly looking fangs.
"Jasper," Alice whispered, and he looked to her with eyes so black that Bella was not sure if his irises were blending into his pupils, or if his pupils had dilated so far that they had consumed his irises.
"Alice," he rumbled in a ragged, gravelly voice that was not at all his own.
And then he looked to Bella, with her own soaking form shivering in the rain, saw her milk chocolate eyes that were now dark chocolate, saw her heaving chest, and saw more than anything else her bruised, kiss swollen lips.
"BELLA!" Jasper snarled.
And then he lunged for her.