Chapter 15
I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR CHARACTERS
Bella honestly thought she was about to die and could only stare in horror with wide open eyes as Jasper lurched at her in a blur, hands outstretched into claws that seemed intent on ripping into her throat.
She wasn't sure who screamed first; her, or Alice.
In any other circumstance, it might have been embarrassing how high her voice got, but as it was.
"Jasper, NO!" Alice cried, and as Bella's brain registered the impending doom, she reacted without thinking, doing the only thing her panicking mind could manage to make her body do.
Bella dropped like a fucking rock.
She ducked at the last second, and Alice slammed into Jasper with a crack louder than any other thunderclap the storm above could produce as his hands swiped an inch above her head.
Holy shit! Bella gasped as she hit the pavement, jarring her hands against the driveway, and Alice tackled Jasper so hard that they went flying. On her hands and knees, she looked up in horror as the sound of furious snarling.
Alice was fighting Jasper. They were fighting like two wild beasts, hissing and baring their fangs and going at it.
No, no, no, this was not how this was supposed to go!
Hysterical concern for Alice's safety overrode anything else in Bella's brain as she watched them whirling together, clashing in a flurry, Jasper's face twisted up into animalistic violence as he lost himself to his instincts and Alice's screwed up with desperation and a fierce protectiveness…
And fear.
Jasper was the best fighter out of all the Cullens. He had gone to battle with more than his fair share of crazy newborn vampires in his own newborn days, and at heart he was a soldier. The marks littering his body from the scarring of vampire venom were proof of that, and now he was going at Alice as if she were not his wife of fifty years, as if he didn't even know her at all.
And by the way he moved, it was clear that right then, he didn't. He knew nothing more than what his instincts were screaming inside him.
He was really going to hurt her.
"Oh no," Bella whimpered, her heart giving a horrified spasm as she stayed frozen to the concrete.
She watched in terror as Jasper landed flat on his back when Alice shoved him with all her might, yelling at him something that sounded like his name, and stop. To Bella, he had not even hit the ground before he was back up and swinging his hand at her face, unhearing and bellowing in rage. Alice jerked her face back just in time to avoid losing it, but Jasper closed with her too fast for her to get out of the way.
"Alice!" Bella cried as the blonde man vaulted into her, sending dirt flying up beneath the force of his heels as they went sailing through the air again. They crashed through the front porch banister and into the living room window with the sound of crunching wood and shattering glass.
There was a brief moment of silence where all Bella could hear was the rain falling around her, and then the sound of something seeming to explode within the house, and the sound of Alice letting out a high pitched cry rang out.
No, Bella thought desperately. I have to get up. I have to help! I have to do something! For Alice!
But there was nothing she could do as her stomach jumped into her throat when a moment later, Jasper leapt back out of the hole they had left in the window and crouched, hissing like an agitated cobra with eyes blacker than midnight, lost to the monster inside.
Those eyes found Bella instantly.
"Shit," she gasped, tensing.
Jasper snarled an ungodly snarl at the sight of her that put the most unbridled, unadulterated terror deep in her bones. The sound of it raised the hairs on the back of her neck, made her breath go stale in her lungs, and she couldn't help but cry out.
Just as he jerked to come after her and presumably finish what he had started, Alice appeared behind him with the most vicious look on her face that Bella had ever seen. Her fae-like features were sharp and brutal as she leapt onto his back and wrapped her arms around his neck with a furious silence that did not give away her surprise assault.
Jasper roared in rage and spun in circles, clutching at her arms, but Alice did not let go.
"Bella!" Alice cried out to her when the brunette stayed where she was, trembling helplessly and very close to peeing her pants. "Bella, RUN! Go! Get the hell out of here, Bella! GO!"
It made plenty of sense, but Bella couldn't make her limbs work. She couldn't make anything work. She wasn't even breathing as Jasper staggered off the mutilated porch, and then with one almighty wrench, he ripped Alice over the top of his head by her clinging arms and slammed her into the ground so hard that it seemed to shake.
Bella's blood ran cold as Alice shuddered and laid very still, cracks lancing up the back of her neck and spider webbing up her cheeks.
No…
No!
"Alice!" Bella wailed, but this turned out to be a tactical error as Jasper, fuming even more than before and shaking wildly, turned on her, and this time when he lunged for her, there was no Alice to stop him.
Bella's fight or flight instinct kicked in, though it was nowhere near as powerful as his flaring vampiric ones.
There was nothing she could do.
There was no escape.
Nowhere to run.
Nowhere to hide…
Or was there?
Bella flattened herself to the pavement and did the only thing she could think to do.
She rolled right under her truck, shrieking in fright when she felt the wind from Jasper's snatching hands fly by her face. She scrambled back as he bellowed in fury, bumping her shoulder painfully against the underside of the truck and scraping her arms and one cheek on the driveway in her desperation to get the hell away from him. The heavy smell of petrol filled her nose.
Fuck fuck fuck, shit shit shit! Her higher thinking was reduced to a litany of internal swears.
Vaguely, Bella thought she heard the screech of squealing tires, but she was too preoccupied with the fact that she was about to die, and that Alice was lying unmoving on the ground, and that she loved her, and so did Jasper, and that was why he had lost it and was about to kill her, and that she had never meant for any of this to happen when she decided to come here today.
Why did she have to fall in love with Alice? Why, why, why?
She shuffled further back under her truck, practically hyperventilating, knowing the most she had done was buy herself another precious few seconds of life, and even that was all for naught, because one second the truck was there, giving her whatever feeble protection it could, and the next, it was gone.
With the horrible crunch and a shriek of tortured metal, Jasper unceremoniously kicked her truck out from over her and down the driveway. She heard it crash down somewhere back in the street. Bella started violently at the sound of it, and when she looked up and saw Jasper standing over her, soaked and radiating power with his lean, muscular form smeared with mud and grass and wicked looking fangs out, she could manage only one last thought, only a single word.
Alice.
Jasper lurched down for her, reaching for her neck.
And, as usual, Alice saved the day at the last possible second.
"NO!" Alice snarled in a voice that was so vehement and deep and like nothing the girl should even be able to produce, a vicious declaration from deep in her gut that tore out of her chest in a rumbling cry.
Bella felt a terrible thrill of disbelief run through her when Alice jumped once more out of nowhere onto Jasper's back and hooked her fingers under his jaw. She cranked back so hard and fast that the shockingly unfitting tinkling sound of glass cracking accompanied the sudden rips in Jasper's skin that appeared beneath Alice's fingertips.
She was going to kill him!
"No! Alice, no!"
Bella nearly had a heart attack as a different feminine voice cried out and then three blurs shot past her and slammed into Jasper and Alice, sending them all sprawling into the wet grass, effectively saving Jasper's life.
She caught sight of a shock of white blond hair, and recognized Rosalie as the temptress grabbed a hold of Alice by the waist and hauled her sister off of Jasper at the same time that Bella watched the familiar forms of Emmett and Edward pin a bucking, roaring Jasper to the earth by his shoulders.
She had not been imagining things when she had heard the sound of squealing tires before.
The rest of the Cullens were back.
They were back.
"Bella, oh Bella," a soft voice murmured in her ear, and Bella jumped and whimpered, barely even relaxing when she realized it was Esme.
The familiar, soothing scent of vanilla and caramel filled her nose as she was suddenly bundled up in the woman's arms and then pulled to her feet by the Cullen matriarch.
Jesus Christ, she wondered, clinging to Esme as her knees wobbled and the vampire's arms wrapped protectively around her, comfortingly. She had never been so happy to see any of them in her life, but the rush of affection she felt for Esme when the woman only held her closer was even stronger. Carlisle darted past them with the faint hint of his own scent of green tea and sandalwood. Her heart pounded relentlessly in her chest as Rosalie forcefully pulled a shivering Alice towards the front door.
As Bella stared at them, her emotions running at an all time high, Alice's eyes came up and locked on to hers. They were so black, blacker than Bella had ever seen them, and she had no idea what she felt other than the overwhelming desire to run at Alice and fling her arms around her neck and cling to her with everything she had even as she saw Alice still baring her fangs, clearly vamping out. She couldn't read the powerful expression on her friend's face, and Alice seemed to be struggling weakly against Rosalie's grip, but the blonde still managed to shove her through the front door and slam it shut behind them, and only then did their eye contact break.
Alice, Bella thought. Oh god, Alice, what just happened?
"Move him. Out to the back. Quickly," Carlisle ordered.
Emmett and Edward wordlessly hauled Jasper up and dragged him by his arms, kicking and snarling the whole way around the side of the house.
Like Alice, Jasper's eyes never left hers, but the emotion there was a complete opposition to what she had seen in the girl's. If Jasper had not hated her before, he certainly did now. There was nothing human left in his face, only vampire. Bella trembled at the hatred in them, the primal violence throbbing in his dilated pupils, until all the Cullen boys disappeared out of sight.
Then it was only her and Esme, standing out on the Cullen front lawn, hugging each other tightly, the rain still pouring down, drenching the world, caring not for what it soaked or drowned. Another insistent rumble of thunder coupled with a bright flash of lightning startled an already tense Bella so badly that she yelped and jumped.
Bella shivered wildly and Esme hushed her gently and cradled her to her chest, and as she did, Bella realized she could not help but wish Esme were Alice instead.
Alice had never felt so out of control in her entire life.
Rosalie was still pushing her along, swearing at her under her breath. The blond had both arms around her waist and was pulling her against one hip. As much as Alice wanted to break free of Rosalie, fight her off with all she had, she did not.
Because even under the maelstrom the vampire inside her had created to dull her rational thinking, she knew better.
She wanted more than anything in the world to go back to Bella, to run back to her. To bury her fangs in Bella's throat and quell the blood lust that had begun burning in the back of her own, to even take her like the animal she had become.
To tell her she loved her, loved her so much that it hurt, that it was still piercing through her even as she warred with the most innate instincts born into her the moment she became a vampire.
To hold Bella tightly, to protect her from any harm, including herself, no matter the cost, even if it meant fighting every bloodthirsty, violent instinct clawing at her conscious brain and letting Rosalie continue to pull her away when everything inside her screamed for her to do the opposite.
Because she had to keep Bella safe.
Because she loved Bella. She loved her, and so she would do anything to save her, no matter the cost…
Even if that cost had been Jasper's life.
Oh God.
Alice sobbed some weird, broken sound as Rosalie swore for the thousandth time and hauled her further into the forest behind their house, dragging her far, far away from the scene of one of the worst and best moments of her life.
"Come the fuck on. Stop dragging your feet! Jesus Christ, Alice, what did you even do? You idiot, you stupid selfish idiot!" Rosalie hissed and yanked her around, giving her a rough shove so that Alice was forced to walk in the right direction with Rosalie's hands clinging to her elbows to prevent her from bolting back towards the house.
Alice moved numbly, not breathing, not seeing, the inside of her mind at war.
It was only when Rosalie shoved her into a tiny clearing and she came face to face with Jasper once more that she came back to herself.
It was the sight of him on his knees with Emmett and Edward embracing him from the side, and Carlisle's arms wrapped around his neck from behind, cradling and not restraining as he rocked back and forth and sobbed that snapped her out of it.
"Oh God," Alice whimpered, a hand going to her mouth as the horror of it all hit her.
What have I done?
The sound of her voice attracted Jasper's attention, and what she got for it was not his familiar gentle smile, or his kindly golden eyes filled with affection, but a terrible snarl that ripped from the back of his throat as his gaze locked onto her.
Her heart fell apart.
All the jagged cracks and blows it had taken finally gave in. It was almost a curious sensation at the same time that it was anguishing. Her heart simply fell, very slowly, very deliberately out of her body, and her bottom lip quivered as he gave her a look filled with so much anguish and desperation that she could not stand it.
How did it get like this? She wondered miserably.
"J-Jasper-"
"Why?" he gasped, his voice cracking as his chin pressed into Carlisle's forearm and he dug his fingers into Emmett's and Edward's, which wrapped around his torso. He was shaking, and his eyes were shimmering oil.
They all stared at her. No one said a word, not even Carlisle. Alice felt the heat of the spotlight descend on her, and wished that it was only her and him, that this did not have to happen in front of anyone else, that she didn't have to do this to him in front of everybody. She wished that she didn't have to do it at all.
But she did.
She had to. Before, Alice had not known. She had no answer readily available for why. She didn't know why she was so into Bella. She didn't know why she couldn't get her mind off of the girl. She didn't know why she felt things for that girl that she had never felt for Jasper, or anyone else for that matter, not in her whole long life. She didn't know why she could not suppress or stop the feelings she had for Bella, could not resist them no matter how hard she tried.
And now she did.
And so she told him.
"Because I love her," Alice whispered with every ounce of courage she could muster, and Jasper sobbed another gut wrenching sob, mixing it with a growl.
"You're supposed to love me, Alice!" he bellowed, and with a show of strength, he surged to his feet, pulling Emmett and Edward up with him. Carlisle released him as they gripped his arms to keep him from doing anything dangerous, but Alice knew better. Jasper wasn't going to attack her. He never would hurt her, not for any reason other than if he were vamped out.
He was all too himself now. She almost would have preferred him trying to rip her face off as opposed to this.
Alice didn't say a word as he began to rage.
"I love you, so damn much that it's killing me. And you're standing there after kissing her, moments after making love to me, telling me that you love her? How could you, Alice?" Jasper cried, his fists clenching and unclenching.
Yet her own emotions came roaring up, and Alice was yelling back before she knew what she was doing, still strung so tightly and breaking just as much as him.
"I didn't ask for this, Jasper! It's not like I meant for any of this to happen! I didn't plan to fall for her, but I did, and I'm sorry! I'm so fucking-I'm sorry, but I can't make it stop. Don't you think if I could that I would? Don't you think I tried? What do you think I was doing when we made love, Jasper? I was trying to love you, not her. That's what I've been doing, and it doesn't work, and I can't make it stop. I can't make it stop," Alice's shouting dropped to a barely stifled sob, but Jasper shook his head furiously, disgust and frustration building on his face.
It was the awful truth of it. No matter how hard she had tried, when she had been beneath Jasper, all she could see was Bella. When the carnal part of her brain took over, it was Bella she wanted, not him. It was Bella's body she wanted to writhe beneath, Bella's back she wanted to scratch at, Bella's lips she wanted on hers.
She hated herself even more because of it, but it had not been until she walked outside and heard Bella confess her love that the reality of it really hit her.
How could it not when Bella stood before her, breaking, screaming it in her face as Alice pushed her, already knowing the answer but denying it to herself up until the last second, even when she had not known she was doing anything but attempting to confront the truth head on like she always did?
"Don't give me that bullshit! You've known her for less than a year and now you're in love with her? We've been married for fifty years, Alice! FIFTY YEARS!" Jasper screamed, shoulders bunching up, his every word stabbing at her chest. "We've been together for so long. We have loved each other for so. Long. Fifty years ago I put that ring on your finger, Alice, and for just as long I've worn the one you put on mine. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
His voice had become a soft, desperate plea that made Alice want to put her hands up and shy from him, anything to combat the agony she could hear in his voice.
But she couldn't lie to him. She could not shy away. There was no use trying to fight the truth, when Alice knew it so well in her breaking heart. Denying it now would only hurt them both in the long run anyway.
"It used to," Alice breathed, hugging herself and hating every word she knew needed to come out of her mouth as his upper lip curled back, his fangs extending fully as his chest rumbled violently.
"Used to?" Jasper gawked in disbelief. "It used to mean something to you? Do you not love me at all? Did you ever love me?"
At this accusation, the emotion in Alice, her own vampire, surged so swiftly and furiously, swelling over and breaking before she could stop it.
"Jesus Christ, Jasper, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie to you? Because I can't. I can't do it anymore! Yes, I loved you, Jasper! I loved you, I still do love you! But not the way that I love Bella! I'm not in love with you, and-And I-I don't think I ever was."
Her breath hitched so tightly and he reared back as if she had slapped him right across the mouth.
And Alice never hated herself more than in that moment, but she couldn't take it back, and she couldn't sugar coat it, or fix it, or make it better. There was nothing she could do to change it.
She had never felt for anyone the way she felt for Bella. She knew that without a doubt now. She had thought what she had with Jasper was what being in love felt like, but no…
Bella had opened her eyes, and all she wanted to do was screw them shut again, but she couldn't.
"I'm so sorry, Jasper, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I love Bella more. I'm in love with her, and I don't love you the way I love her. I'm sorry," Alice whimpered as he shook his head, this time with growing panic in his eyes.
"You don't mean that. It's not true," he breathed. "Alice, that's not true. You can't mean that. You do love me like that. You know you do…"
Alice's hands went to her hair in anguish, because the last thing she could deal with right now was anything but what needed and had to be said, the truth.
So the next thing she said was the hardest one about what she was trying to deal with.
"Jasper, I almost killed you!"
The resounding silence that came after that made Alice a second away from a panic attack. She trembled wildly as Jasper stared at her, his face frighteningly expressionless, almost as if he had not heard her.
The realization of what she had almost done made a pervasive nausea pool in her lower belly, and she nearly wanted to heave even if she could not physically puke.
"I almost killed you," Alice repeated weakly when no one said anything. She couldn't stand the silence.
I really did. I was all set to do it. And I-Oh God, I think I really would have if he got his hands around her neck…But no…I could never have…I couldn't have killed him…Could I? Not Jasper…
When Jasper spoke again, it was so toneless that Alice knew everything was seconds away from being over.
"Would you have done it? Would you really have killed me to save her?" he inquired quietly, emotionless.
Alice saw it all flash before her eyes.
She remembered the absolute, infallible terror she had experienced when she got to her feet and saw Bella cowering on the ground with her big brown doe eyes wide and her pulse jumping so fast that it was visible beneath her skin, with his hands reaching out to tear her life away.
And she remembered the wild, irrefutable, demonic and wrathful protectiveness that had clapped through her whole being and made her move with no thought other than to stop him, no matter the cost.
She remembered hooking her fingers under his jaw and pulling back with everything she had, seeing nothing but Bella lying on the ground, soaked and small and shivering in the rain, vulnerable and beautiful and terrified, and thinking no, not Bella.
Not Bella.
No matter what, he would not hurt Bella. And Alice knew that she would have done anything to save her…
No matter the cost.
Their eyes met across the tiny clearing, and Alice did not have to say a word.
She did not have to say the one word they could all hear in the ringing finality of her silence as the rain pattered a maddening rhythm on the treetops, obliviously droning on and on and on.
Jasper's face screwed up, twisted with rage and agony, and Alice flinched when he made a sudden movement. Edward and Emmett clamped down on his arms, but he ripped them out of their grip.
Yet all he did was shove his left hand out, yank off the golden band that had been clinging to his ring finger for fifty years, and toss it in the dirt at her feet.
He then turned and promptly disappeared into the forest without a sound.
And just like that, Jasper was gone, and Alice felt very, very cold inside as she stared down at the wedding ring glimmering on the ground. She numbly bent down and picked it up, cradling it in her palm tenderly. When she looked up again, everyone left was staring at her with a mixed bag of emotions on their face.
It was Carlisle who broke the ungodly silence smothering Alice.
"We need to go after him. In this state, he might hurt more than a few deer. Alice…Alice, there are emergency blood baggies in the fridge in my office. Go home and drink three. Esme will be waiting for you…And so will Bella."
"Carlisle-"
He didn't even look at her as he took off, and Alice shuddered at what that might mean.
"I can't believe you," Rosalie hissed as she stalked past her.
"Not cool, Alice," Emmett murmured, looking at her as if seeing her for the first time.
Together, they disappeared into the forest after the Cullen patriarch, as Alice sank a few feet deeper into what felt like hell, swallowing so hard that it stung all the way to the aching pit in her stomach.
Edward had not moved. He stared at her with an unreadable expression, and Alice knew he was inside her mind, and for once she didn't even care. All the hurt came rushing up as he stared at her and she had no idea what he could be thinking, only that she had just made her whole family hate her and lost her husband, and for what?
For Bella?
For a girl she had known less than a year? An eighteen year old teenage human, who wasn't even out of high school yet?
For a pair of big brown eyes and a heart shaped face, and a laugh that made her un-beating heart soar, a girl with a soul so bright that Alice swore she was alive again whenever they were in the same room together, for a pair of soft, warm lips that when she kissed them she felt so much and yearned and loved the girl so entirely that she knew nothing and no one could ever compare?
A girl that Edward had lost because of her…And surely he must hate her almost as much as Jasper at this point.
It was nowhere near as bad, but it was still awful. Next to Jasper, she had been closest to Edward next. He had always been the big brother she never had, always looking out for her in his stubbornly annoying way that she had always appreciated nonetheless. Even if she got along with Emmett better, it was Edward who she grew close to and felt the most like true siblings with.
And now he hated her.
I'm so selfish. Rosalie was right. I'm awful and horrible, and a piece of shit! What have I done? How could I do this to all of us? This is all my fault. It's all my stupid fucking fault! Why did I have to fall for her? Why?
So as he stared at her, not moving or saying anything, Alice completely broke down.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered, cupping her mouth with both hands as if that could stop the sobs bubbling out of her. "Edward, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to fall for her. I didn't want to. I don't want to love her, Edward, I'm sorry. I can't make it stop. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to make it stop!"
Alice sobbed into her hands and her knees buckled, unable to bare his gaze any longer, but in a whirl of dark chocolate and incense, she felt two arms wrap around her and her face pressed into Edward's chest as he embraced her closely.
Shock and disbelief filled her, but Edward just held her tighter when she whimpered confusedly.
"I know, Alice. I know. It's alright. I don't hate you. I know…"
His words should have made her feel better, but it only made everything twice as bad, and Alice could do nothing but cling to his frame and shake as she wept and wept and wept burning tears that could never spill from her eyes until they were searing and aching, and even as she clung to him, she had the fleeting thought that she wished he were Bella instead.
And then she just cried even harder.
"Oh, Bella," Esme sighed and eased her gently away, gazing down on her with concern and barely concealed fear. Bella blushed and bit the inside of her lip, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes at the motherly look.
If she was going to break down over anything, it would be over the desperate urge to bury her face in Esme's neck and hide in the comfort of her motherly arms. She had never missed her own mother more than in that moment.
"You're bleeding," Esme murmured, hands on Bella's shoulders.
Bella froze.
She was bleeding?
She could feel it then, the blood trickling down her cheek. She brought one hand up to her face and felt the scrape high on her right cheekbone where she had scraped it on the pavement of the driveway when she had scrambled under her truck. The rain was washing away the blood attempting to pool insistently, but more leaked out in tiny, watered down rivulets.
Bella was standing in the arms of a vampire, bleeding.
Well wasn't this just what she needed?
She flinched when Esme stirred, but the vampire only turned her around, wrapped an arm around her waist and began to lead her toward the house.
"Don't worry, Bella. It will take a whole lot more than a few drops to get to me, especially if it's raining. Come on, honey, you're okay now. Rosalie will have taken Alice out into the forest with the rest of them by now. It's alright. Everything's going to be fine…"
Esme's voice was gentle and coaxing. She spoke to Bella as if she were in shock. And maybe she was, because she could do nothing but numbly let Esme lead her towards the front door. She could not find a way to ground herself as Esme pulled her up the front porch, through the door and into the foyer. She realized she was shaking when Esme pulled her into the living room and sat her down on the love seat.
The couch and coffee table were in pieces, and the black marble mantle of the fireplace was cracked. There was a thick layer of glass littering the hardwood floor beneath the broken window. It was the grand piano, however, that had gotten the worst of it. It lay in scattered pieces, thick chunks of wood lying brokenly in a heap. It must have been that which made the horrible explosive noise when Jasper and Alice had come flying in here.
Looking at it started up a sick feeling in her stomach that crawled all the way up to the back of her throat. She remembered hearing Alice cry out, but with no idea what was happening to her. She remembered the volatile, horribly violent way Jasper had attacked her, the way he had looked when he kicked Bella's truck down the driveway as if it were nothing more than a pebble in his way.
Alice…
When Esme pulled away from her and began to walk away, Bella instantly panicked.
"Don't!" she gasped and grabbed Esme's wrist, squeezing. "Don't go-Please. What if-What if they come back? What if Jas-If Alice-"
"Shh, Bella, it's okay," Esme immediately turned back to her and cupped her cheek in one hand. "It's alright, honey, it's alright. I'm just going to get something to clean your scrape. I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right back sweetheart, I promise. You're safe now, I'm right here. I will be back in less than ten seconds, okay?"
It was painfully hard for Bella to nod, to swallow the lump in her throat and let go of Esme's hand. She felt stupid and pathetic when tears rolled down her face, stinging the cut on her cheek, at the fear that Esme had been about to leave her in here alone to go after her family, but Esme only gently pried her wrist out of Bella's hand, and darted off.
She was gone for only five seconds, but those five seconds alone felt like five years to Bella. When Esme appeared back in front of her, she let out a breath she hadn't known she was holding. The maternal woman sat on the couch next to her with a towel, a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, Neosporin, and a band-aid.
Bella sat silently and did not protest when Esme quietly began to clean her up, patting her face dry first before soaking a cotton ball in the chemical and dabbing it at the scrape on her face. Unlike alcohol, it didn't sting viciously. While she worked, Esme murmured soothingly to her.
"Everything's alright, Bella. Things like this are bound to happen when a big group of vampires lives together like this. Instincts get out of control. But no one got hurt, so everything's fine, really…"
Bella stared at her in disbelief.
She thought this was just a case of instincts getting out of control?
No, no, no, it was a whole lot more than that. A whole lot more that Bella still wasn't sure she could comprehend in her stunned state.
And no one got hurt?
She was pretty sure Alice and Jasper weren't too randy-dandy right about now. Did Esme not see the wreckage of her living room around them?
Plus, Bella had come so close to death repeatedly, if she sat and thought about it. How many times did Jasper's claws come an inch from slicing open her jugular vein?
As Bella gazed at Esme, inhaling her soothing scent that always reminded her of her own mother Renee, and apple pie and curling up in a blanket fresh out of the dryer, she realized that Esme was trying to convince herself of what she was saying as much as she was Bella.
"Esme…Alice…She-She almost…"
"Bella," Esme said softly, but her voice sounded funny, and Bella abruptly closed her mouth.
The corners of Esme's mouth were quivering, and Bella knew that Esme knew as well as she did how close Jasper had come to death today. Esme had almost lost her son, and she was trying to console herself, too. Obviously, she did not want to talk about it, but she was also trying to make Bella feel better at the same time.
She saw it too. She saw the look on Alice's face, in her eyes. She saw his neck cracking. It was Esme who cried out when they stopped her. Jesus, Alice…Would you really have done it? Were you really going to kill Jasper…
To save me?
Two deaths had narrowly been avoided today, and understanding that finally broke through her catatonic state.
I almost died, she realized, tears pumping out of her eyes immediately as Esme smeared Neosporin over the cut on her cheek and pressed the band-aid onto it a moment later.
Esme saw, of course, and Bella finally broke down and began to sob it out when the woman sighed her name softly.
"Oh, Bella, I'm sorry, sweetheart. Come here honey. Shh, it's okay…" Esme murmured as she folded Bella into the crook of her neck and began to stroke her hair gently.
Bella wasn't sure how long she stayed in that comforting spot, crying hard and trembling in Esme's arms. Again she felt a pang for her own mother, and was unbelievably grateful towards Esme even as she fell apart. She cried and cried, shivering, and after a while, her subconscious seemed to say gently, Okay, that's enough crying. Yes, we almost died, but we're alive now.
The tears slowed to a stop as did her hiccuping crying, and Esme eased her away and picked up the towel again to wrap it around Bella's shoulders. She also pulled the blanket off the back of the love seat and draped that around her too. Bella had not noticed how much she was shivering.
"You're freezing, Bella…I'm going to get a fire going, and then I'm going to make you something hot to drink, okay? I'm sure that will make you feel better," Esme said.
When Bella gave a tiny nod, Esme smiled reassuringly, though it didn't quite reach her eyes, and leaned in to kiss her forehead in a powerful show of motherly protection that made Bella blush as another surge of affection for the vampire warmed her even before the vampire blurred over to the fireplace.
Bless that woman, she thought when Esme quickly got a healthy fire burning in the damaged fireplace and then disappeared into the kitchen to set about making her a drink. Bella still felt anxious when Esme wasn't around, her nerves still shot, but Esme made sure to stay in her line of sight through the kitchen bar, and so she hesitantly laid back and relaxed.
Bundled up under the towel and blanket with the fire crackling merrily in protest to her morose, drowned-rat state, the chill slowly seeped out of her frosty bones. But still she trembled, and closed her eyes as Esme bustled around in the kitchen.
Alice kissed me again…Kissed me, and it was the best feeling I've ever felt in my life. And she did it because she loves me, too…And Jasper tried to kill me for it. How did things get so screwed up? She wondered. Alice, I need you…I can't figure this out my own…Please, come back soon…
Only when Esme walked back into the room with a steaming mug of green tea in her hand a long ten minutes later did Alice finally return.
"Thank you, Esme," Bella mumbled as Esme pressed the mug into her hands. "For everything, I mean. Letting me cry on your shoulder and all that. You didn't have to do that…"
She didn't have the heart or the rudeness in her to tell Esme that she hated tea, but she definitely appreciated the added warmth against the palms of her hands, so she took it gratefully.
"It's no problem, dear. It's the least I can do after everything you just went through," Esme smiled lightly at her. "And of course I had to let you cry on my shoulder. I practically consider you one of my own at this point, really."
Bella looked at Esme in a whole new light then, but before she could open her mouth and tell Esme just how much she appreciated that, a soft, high pitched voice said, "Bella?"
Bella perked like a dog hearing a doorbell and was on her feet before she knew she had moved. The blanket slid off of her and onto the love seat as she quickly turned towards the staircase and saw Alice slowly coming down it.
The pixie's jet black hair was clinging to her apple cheek bones and the sides of her elegant neck. She was dripping wet, droplets of rainwater sliding off her beautiful features, and when Bella looked closely at her eyes, she saw the faintest hint of dark brass in her irises.
She looked beautiful, and Bella's breath caught in her throat as she gripped the mug tighter, and Esme made a quiet noise.
"Alice, did you hunt?" Esme demanded immediately. "If you didn't, it's not-"
"Carlisle told me to drink from the emergency supplies. I'm not hungry, Esme, I promise. I came in right through his office window and drank. I'm okay," Alice replied as she stepped off the last stair and floated into the living room.
Alice wasn't even looking at Esme as she spoke. She was looking directly at Bella, and Bella found she had no words left in her brain. She had no idea what to say, and so she clutched at the mug of tea in her hands and anguished silently.
"Your eyes are still very dark…" Esme fretted, stepping towards her adoptive daughter and peering into said pair of eyes warily.
"I'm fine, I swear. Esme, if I thought for even a second that I was a danger to Bella, I wouldn't be here. You know that. But I'm not," Alice declared. "Please…I just want to talk to her. We need to talk. You know we do…"
Esme made a tutting noise with her tongue, but at the expression on her adoptive daughter's face, she glanced back and forth between her and Bella.
"Bella…Are you comfortable with this?" Esme inquired gently. Alice made a face, but Bella nodded hurriedly.
"Yeah, of course…I mean, if Alice says she's okay, I believe her…" she mumbled uncomfortably.
Esme hesitated for another long moment but reluctantly took a step back.
"Alright then…If you're okay with it, Bella…But I will be right outside the room, do you hear me? I won't be listening to anything other than a problem, though. It's just a precaution. And Alice?"
Alice turned to her mother, reluctantly breaking the intense stare off she had been having with Bella.
"Yes?"
"She's not the only one you need to talk to," Esme said quietly, clearly referring to herself, and a pained look shot across Alice's face before it disappeared.
"I know, Mother," she murmured.
Esme gave Bella one last glance, brushed a comforting hand against Alice's cheek to which the pixie leaned into, and then left the room.
As soon as she was gone, their eyes locked up again. For a brief moment, they gazed at each other, a million thoughts and words and conversations flashing between them, and just like that, they were across the room and in each other's arms.
Alice, Bella thought as she unceremoniously dropped the mug of tea in favor of flinging her arms around the pixie's neck when Alice flew into her. It didn't break, but tea did splash across the floor.
She figured if Esme didn't mind the other broken things in her house, she wouldn't mind a little tea on the floor.
Bella felt two strong, pale arms wrap around her waist and squeeze tightly as she staggered from the force of the hug, inhaling the scent of white chocolate and berries and love.
It was love, she knew now, that she breathed in deeply as they held each other, Alice whispering her name breathlessly into the crook of her neck.
How could I not have known? Bella thought. How could I have never known what this feeling was? Oh, Alice…
"Bella," Alice groaned, and gently pushed her back a little.
Like before when she had thought Alice was going to run from her after kissing her again, Bella tensed in panic, but Alice only guided her back down and into the love seat. Bella's heart was racing as Alice crouched down in front of her, and cupped her face in two cool hands that sent tingles racing through her.
Now when Alice held her face in her hands, it felt entirely different.
Better.
"I'm so sorry," Alice whispered, brushing her thumbs over Bella's cheeks.
Bella was crying again, without meaning too. She wasn't even sure why at this point.
Look at her. She's so gorgeous. She's so gorgeous, and she's broken. Look at her face. Her fucking perfect face. Her eyes are hurting. Did I do that to her? What happened after Rosalie took her away? Did she talk to Jasper? What did they say? Oh Christ, what if she takes back what she said? What if she realizes she really does love Jasper and not me?
She wouldn't be able to survive that, so to stave off her panic, she did not talk about it.
"Don't," Bella said back firmly. "No apologies. Not right now. We…I don't care. We've both fucked up, Alice, so just don't, okay? It's no use now. Just tell me you're okay, please. Tell me you're not hurt."
Alice bit her bottom lip, and shook her head.
"I'm fine," she breathed. "Well…No, I'm not. I'm really not…Things are so messed up, Bells…And I don't know how to fix it this time…How are you not mad at me? You should have slapped me, not hugged me. I should be down on my knees begging for forgiveness from you right now…"
Bella felt little butterflies flutter in her belly as she reached out and cupped Alice's face, too, hating the way her eyes seemed to be drowning in tears that she couldn't shed.
"Well, in the light of the situation," she furrowed her brow. "I mean yeah, I was really angry at first, but that all kinda went away when we…When we kissed…"
She watched Alice's face closely at that, but the pixie gave nothing away. Bella supposed she should still be mad at Alice for giving her whiplash after kissing her when she had told her there could be nothing between them, and then kissing her again and telling her those things, but it seemed kind of trivial to stay mad at her after all that had happened. Besides, all her anger at Alice had been replaced by the terror she had felt for her, and how she knew Alice wasn't doing it on purpose. That was not the kind of person Alice was. The girl's head must be all over the place trying to deal with all of what she was feeling.
And it's not like she could put all the blame on Alice for it happening in the first place either. She had kind of pulled an Adele on them.
I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited, indeed.
"Besides, it's not like you're the only one at fault, here. And I am still really confused about what's going through your head, but Alice…How can I stay mad at you after that? I thought Jasper…I thought he…I was so scared, Alice. I thought he really hurt you," Bella admitted, her throat closing as she remembered the fear she had experienced for Alice.
All the cracks in her perfect marble skin seemed to have healed, but Bella could imagine them well enough, and it put a nasty feeling inside her to remember how hard Alice had hit the ground to cause them.
"You were afraid for me?" Alice said thickly in disbelief. "Bella…Oh Bella…How? I almost got you killed, Bella and you were worried about me? I shouldn't have kissed you. It was a mistake, and I-"
"Don't. Don't you dare," Bella hissed immediately, withdrawing her hands and clasping them on Alice's wrists instead, squeezing tightly. "You can't do that to me. Not again. You kissed me, Alice, don't you dare say it was a mistake…Or that you didn't mean it. I swear-I swear I…"
She couldn't even finish. If Alice did this to her right now, after everything, she was going to-to…She didn't even know what.
But it wouldn't be pretty.
Alice, however, looked alarmed at her tone.
"No, Bella, that's not what I meant!" she rushed to correct herself. "I meant it was a mistake because it almost got you really hurt. And I…I did mean it. I meant to do it…I shouldn't have, and I'm sorry, but I meant to do it…And I meant what I said, too…"
Bella's breath hitched at that, and she trembled when Alice shifted and traced a finger gently over the band aid on her cheek, eyeing her with so much sadness and emotion in those expressive eyes of hers that pulled at Bella's heartstrings.
Is she talking about…?
"You…You meant it," Bella repeated, her heart rate picking up when Alice's eyes landed back on hers instead of the scrape on her cheek. "You meant what, exactly?"
She knew what. But she desperately needed to hear Alice say it now.
Alice gave her a look that clearly said You know what, but when she said it aloud, Bella's stomach did this crazy flip flop and her aching heart seemed to spread wings and jump in her chest.
"That I love you, Bella…Don't tell me you don't remember that?"
As if she could ever forget.
Bella closed her eyes and rejoiced despite herself, opening them a moment later to see Alice still there.
It wasn't an illusion, or a dream, and Alice wasn't taking it back, but reiterating it.
She loves me back…
The feeling of that was unreal in how good it felt, but it was tempered by everything that had happened.
"Of course I do, Alice…But…But what about Jasper?" she couldn't help but say.
A flash of pain appeared in Alice's eyes, and Alice murmured softly but deliberately, "Bella…I don't want to talk about him right now. All…All I can tell you is that it's over between me and Jasper. And that's all I can stand to say, okay? So please, don't push that, okay? Please…"
Bella didn't know two feelings could conflict so violently, and she kicked herself furiously for the muted delight that shot through her at this as opposed to the horrible guilt that followed it.
You bitch, don't do that, she thought angrily at herself. Don't you get excited that it's over between them. You did that to them. You ruined them. You're the reason she's here now, hurting like this. And what about Jasper, huh? You just ripped away the love of his life. His wife. You're a filthy home wrecker, so don't even get happy about the fact that they're over. It doesn't even mean anything anyway. You're not going to up and ride off happily into the sunset with Alice or some shit, nor should you, so stop it…
Oh Alice…If Bella was feeling guilty over Jasper in all this mess, surely Alice had it a hundred times as bad. She had just lost Jasper.
Poor Alice had been ripped nearly in two over the both of them…She was only trying to do the best that she could as her heart was torn between them, and now she had lost her husband…
What have I done to them? Bella wondered shamefully.
"I'm sorry, Alice…I didn't mean to…I'm sorry," Bella said helplessly, and Alice only shook her head again.
"Don't worry about it, Bella…You said no apologies, remember?" Alice reminded her, and pushed a lock of wet hair behind Bella's ear.
"Sorry," Bella muttered, and the corners of Alice's lips quirked just slightly as she winced and rolled her eyes at herself. The moment didn't last.
"Bella…" Alice began, her tone taking on some suddenly fervent quality that made Bella really sit up and pay attention. (Not like she wasn't already, but yeah.) "Bella, please tell me you meant it when you said it. Please tell me you really do love me, too, because if you don't, I need to know now. Please tell me this isn't just some infatuation. I can't-I need to know. Please tell me this wasn't all a huge mistake, Bells, because I'm losing everything and it's my own fault, but I-I-"
Alice seemed to choke up, and Bella was speaking without any chance of second guessing herself. There was no chance of her second guessing what she knew.
"Alice, I love you. If I don't know anything else after all this, I know that. I love you, Alice. I do, I know it from the bottom of my heart. It's not just a crush. When I saw-When I saw you and him-It ripped at me, Alice. There is no word besides love for how much I feel for you. There is nothing else it could be. If it were just some crush-I wouldn't care so much. All of this wouldn't hurt so much. But I do, Alice. I love you," Bella told her sincerely, blushing as she spoke, but her words did seem to soothe Alice, who took a heavy breath and nodded weakly, but did not verbally respond.
They were quiet after that, just staring into each other's eyes and trying to process everything that had happened. The longer they sat together like this, so close, Bella felt all the emotion coming back up. The anxiety, the want, the ache, the fear, the love…
She took a shaky breath, falling into Alice's eyes when the vampire shifted, noticing.
Alice's left thumb brushed under her eye, swirling slowly as her palm slid down and against Bella's jaw. Bella trembled beneath it, and reprimanded herself when her eyes unconsciously dropped to Alice's lips.
It was the wrong, most inappropriate time, but she could not help the sudden desire to kiss Alice.
To kiss away the hurt. Kiss away the pain. Kiss her because she loved her, and she didn't know what the hell they were supposed to do about it now.
Yet Alice seemed to share the sentiment, because her thumb dipped down and brushed the corner of her mouth, so that Bella's lips parted, and their eyes got all tangled up again in a mutual look of understanding.
"Oh Bella," Alice whispered, and they both dipped forward and pressed their lips together softly.
It was so tender that it made her whimper as Alice's fingers slipped into her hair and she laid one hand on the pixie's shoulder to ground herself, though it had the opposite effect because she brushed cool skin and electricity coursed through her as that soaring feeling filled her up again, no less powerful than before.
Like rain and spearmint and white chocolate and berries, she thought. And their lips fit together so effortlessly, and Alice's were so soft and cool against her own.
And maybe it was wrong to be kissing her now, but it still felt so right.
Damn, she always swore she would never give in to that particular cliché for any reason.
But alas…
Bella knew that she could kiss Alice forever, but all too soon, Alice parted the relatively chaste kiss and pressed their foreheads together with the most forlorn, broken noise the brunette could imagine, and she chewed the inside of her cheek at the sound of it.
"Alice…" she murmured, peering right into the vampire's eyes from their positioning, so close, yet so far from her, not knowing how her body could contain all the emotion Alice had put her in her fragile heart. "What do we do now, Alice? Where do we go from here?"
Alice only gazed at her for a moment.
"I don't know, Bella…I just don't know…"
It was certainly less than reassuring, but Alice continued by dotting a tiny kiss to the corner of her mouth that made Bella fall for her all the more as she fought not to swoon.
God damn it, she had it bad.
"But we're gonna figure it out, okay? We'll figure it all out. We'll find a way, Bells. Together…" she murmured.
"Together," Bella echoed, liking the sound of the word even if she wasn't entirely sure of the implications.
She had no idea what was going to happen now. Jasper had been royally fucked over and the shame of that was just now starting to really kick in, and even if they both seemed to be fully in love with each other, that didn't mean Alice was going to up and drop her marriage. She found it hard to believe Jasper would end fifty years of marriage just like that. And Alice wasn't going to just jump into her arms instantly. That's not even what should happen. (But she didn't know what should happen.)
That wasn't how life worked. Not to freaking mention all that crap with Victoria and the Volturi, but all of that seemed so unimportant right then.
All that mattered was the girl before her, and as long as Alice wasn't running away from her, but sticking by her side to figure it all out together with her, then maybe the future wouldn't seem so bleak.
"Yep," Alice sighed, still holding her face like some precious gem in her palms. "Together. You and me. We'll figure it out, Bells. We always do. You, me…Oh, and Spongebob, of course."
Bella blinked, bewildered.
"Wha-?"
A sudden suspicion shot through her as Alice's eyes gave a familiar twinkle, and she lifted a hand to her face to trace over the band-aid Esme had left her with.
"Are you fucking serious?" she deadpanned, and Alice giggled her lovely giggle, wrinkling up her nose cutely at the brunette, and before Bella knew what was happening, a smile was slowly splitting her face.
Alice's amusement, as always, was contagious.
"Like really Esme? Spongebob? Do I look five years old to her and Carlisle? What, are my injuries never serious enough for a solemn skin colored band-aid? Are my wounds so frivolous that only Spongebob can suffice?"
Her impassioned complaining made Alice's giggling rise to full blown laughter, and suddenly they were both laughing, watery, painful laughs that broke the tension even as they felt inappropriate.
It wasn't even that funny, but still they laughed.
And somehow in the middle of all that relieving laughter, Alice was kissing her again, and she was kissing back, and when they realized what was happening, they broke apart, the giggling trailing away as they tasted each other on their lips, startled and enamored with how easily they had simply kissed, as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
Just like that, the seriousness returned, but it did not feel so suffocating as before, or hopeless.
"Together, right?" Bella murmured. "We'll get through this together, right Alice?"
She couldn't help the emphasis she put on it. She still had her lingering doubts that Alice might back out, might run from her again, might change her mind and decide she didn't really love her at all…
"Together," Alice breathed. "I'm here, Bella. I'm not going to leave you alone in this. I wouldn't do that to you. I couldn't. But we're still just us, Bella, no matter what happens next. I'm still Alice, and you're still Bella, no matter what. Always."
Bella's heart soared, and even through the seriousness of the moment and the gravity of the situation, she couldn't help but smile as she said it back to her.
"Always."