Chapter 28
I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR CHARACTERS
When Bella eventually resurfaced from blissful unconsciousness, it was to Alice stroking her hair gently away from her face.
All the pain and exhaustion from before seemed to have disappeared after her impromptu rest. Bella knew the moment she opened her eyes that she felt physically fine as she peeled her eyes open to see Alice gazing down at her with golden eyes, watching her.
"Alice," Bella mumbled, a slight smile curving up the corners of her lips.
Alice did not return the smile and suddenly everything came rushing back.
The smile dropped off her face. Bella sat up immediately upon remembrance and Alice drew her hand back hesitantly as the brunette brought her own hand up to rub at her face, thrust back so quickly into turmoil.
Goddamn, she thought as she gazed around at her surroundings, immediately recognizing that she was sitting in Alice's bed. The pixie was sitting next to her Indian style, and when Bella looked into those beautiful eyes she adored so much, the previously forgotten anguish came back, intensified.
There was guilt, concern, sorrow and something else reflected back at her from Alice's face and it cut Bella immediately to the quick. Bella wanted to cry at the sight of it, at the reminder of what had occurred before she passed out, wanted to scream in frustration at all of it, that they'd been attacked by werewolves and the Volturi in the same day, but somehow more painfully that Alice, of all people, had done what she'd done.
Just… Goddamn.
Bella licked her lips and turned in the bed, away from Alice. Alice shifted as well, turning to face her, but their bodies were angled away from each other. It was such a stark opposition to their normal body language that it physically hurt Bella inside her heart, but one flashback of Alice kissing Jasper was enough to fill her with anger as well.
To keep from losing it, right then and there, Bella took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall, gazing at Alice, trying her hardest to come off emotionless but knowing it was written all over her face how she was really feeling.
It's not like it would matter even if she were capable of hiding it. Alice always read her so easily.
"Are you alright, Bella? Do you feel okay?" Alice asked softly after a long moment of just watching each other. The concern was clear in her eyes, but held back more so than usual.
"Yeah… I think so. I feel fine, at least, which usually seems to be a good sign," Bella replied, trying to keep her tone neutral as Alice nodded slowly, the concern giving way to barely noticeable relief, that Bella only picked up on because she knew her so well.
They were silent again. Bella rubbed her tongue against the roof of her mouth, waiting anxiously.
"How long have I been out?" Bella finally spoke when Alice did not seem forthcoming, just kept watching her with those big golden eyes.
"About a full day," Alice answered quietly.
The sound of her voice made Bella swallow forcefully and close her eyes. When she opened them, all she could see was how pained Alice looked, written in the lines of the furrow of her brow, the ever so slight sheen of wetness across her bright irises.
"Did I miss anything?" Bella murmured, trying to contain the urge to cry, to forget what she'd seen, to lunge forward and wrap her arms around Alice's neck, bury her face in it, where it was always safe, always a cool haven from the rest of the world.
But she couldn't. Not anymore.
"Not really," Alice said, still in that quiet tone, as if the silence around them were glass she didn't want to break. "We managed to fight off the Volturi this time, but I think it goes without saying that they'll be back… With reinforcements. Nobody's ever survived a full out assassination by them before, so of course they're going to be furious. We should've been more prepared though. We just didn't think they'd attack so quickly…"
Bella nodded slightly, having figured as much. Alice hesitated before she spoke again.
"I'm so sorry, Bella."
Bella inhaled sharply, but Alice went on quickly.
Is she talking about…?
"I should never have let you wander off like that, not when we knew the Volturi were plotting. It's just-They've been blocking my visions. Aro's wife, Sulpicia, she's a shield. She has the power to block the powers of others, and she's been blurring my visions. She was there when they attacked, hiding, making sure I couldn't see them coming or what they were planning. I only even figured that out because she stopped shielding during their retreat."
No, of course she wasn't apologizing for kissing Jasper. Bella released the breath she hadn't known she was holding, both annoyed and aching when her heart gave a forceful clench.
"Oh," was all she could manage to reply with, her throat bobbing as she swallowed thickly.
Alice clearly read what was on her mind by the way a slight grimace twisted her mouth. The elephant in the room trumpeted furiously, trampled around, its presence unseen but obviously felt by both of them. Surprisingly, Alice did not address it, for once in her life choosing to ignore it even when Bella felt the damned thing sitting on her chest, crushing it.
Somehow, that really pissed her off.
"You were incredible," Alice said suddenly, softly, reverently.
Bella just stared at her silently, one knee pulled up to her chest with an arm around it, her other hand pulling at a stray thread in Alice's duvet. She hated that her mind was clouded by the scent of Alice everywhere in this room, all white chocolate and berries, saturating her traitorous brain.
"If it weren't for you, Bells…" Alice murmured, shifting on the bed. "I came barreling in there trying to save you, but you're the one that ended up saving me. Whatever you've become, it's amazing. You're amazing. Like always."
Am I? Bella thought angrily, still not replying. Because I sure don't feel amazing.
Although she could never regret saving Alice. Never in a million years, no matter what.
"And you took Victoria down all on your own. It looks like we all guessed right about your bite. She was so mad," Alice smiled a little at the thought, but the last thing Bella gave a damn about right then was Victoria.
Alice saw it on her face (of course) and sighed deeply, pushed her soft black locks away from her forehead, before she bit lightly at her pretty pink bottom lip. A soft, desperate part of Bella wanted to kiss her. A cold, hard part of Bella wanted to shove her off the bed.
Alice took a deep breath, and then looked her directly in the eyes. For one brief, heart skipping moment, Bella thought Alice was going to say exactly what was on both of their minds. The pixie reached out a hand tentatively, clearly expecting to be pushed away, but Bella couldn't bring herself to do it, so she just didn't move at all. She let Alice's palm slide over her cheek, felt her lashes flutter and her heart ache as Alice's thumb stroked just under her eye gently, sweetly.
Yet, at the last second, Alice seemed to back down.
"Are-Are you alright, Bella?" Alice inquired. "You were holding your own when I got there, but did they-Did the Volturi hurt you at all? Are you okay, really? You passed out, so we weren't sure if you were injured or just overwhelmed…"
Bella's eyes slid shut. She bit the tip of her tongue to keep from screaming.
No! Of fucking course not! Bella wanted to yell. She wanted to slap Alice's hand away, grab her by the shoulders and shake her wildly, demand to know why she'd kissed Jasper, collapse into her lap and sob, but she swallowed it all back like boiling water.
How could you, Alice? How could you? Bella thought when she finally opened her eyes again. You never did answer me.
"I'm fine," she bit out, and then slid off the bed, ignoring the flash of pain in Alice's eyes.
She kept her back to Alice when the vampire said her name quickly.
"Bella!"
Bella came to a halt, but just barely. She gritted her teeth and tightened her shoulders, fighting back her anger and frustration the best she could, because she felt the rubber band at the back of her mind stretching back threateningly, and she didn't know what she'd do if she blew up right now.
Bella didn't feel like whatever she'd been changed into was amazing. She felt like a freak.
A freak with a bad habit of losing her mind.
"Bella…" Alice said again, and Bella felt her hand on her shoulder, beseeching, but she did not turn. Alice slid in front of her, but Bella stared over her shoulder at the door, jaw locked.
Don't look at her. Don't you dare.
Bella was afraid of what would happen if she met Alice's eyes right then.
"You… You saw us, didn't you?" Alice said, and her hand dropped away at the sight of Bella's face. "You saw Jasper and I… Kissing."
It was like a blow to the chest, but now the tables were turned, and Bella did not want to address that big, stupid fucking elephant stomping around the room.
"I don't know what you're talking about."
And that was the last thing Bella said to her before she streaked out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her and ignoring the sound of Alice calling her name. Bella also ignored the faint sound of Alice swearing, of something heavy thudding into the wall as she made her escape downstairs.
It was the last thing, in fact, that she said to Alice for an entire week.
Carlisle and Esme were furious that the Volturi had gotten to Bella, and she'd never seen them so protective before. After she told the Cullens the full story, Carlisle put everyone on absolute lock down. Even mentioning the Volturi was enough to make him angry. Bella suspected it was because Carlisle had never expected even the Volturi to slip past them so easily. All of the Cullens went on high alert, permanently. Bella was barely even allowed out of the house, which was maddening.
In between avoiding Alice as completely as possible -which was quite a difficult feat, considering they now lived in the same house— Bella spent her time speaking with Carlisle, or hanging out with Leah, much to Alice's blatant annoyance.
Every time Bella felt guilty for avoiding her, it took one look at Jasper to erase all traces of it.
Bella talked to Carlisle so often because the Cullen patriarch was a good source of information, and his ability to calm Bella's mind was unsurpassed. Bella suspected it was from his medical background, where calming patients must have been a daily thing. Combine that with his pure logical and rational theories and Carlisle was the perfect person for Bella to go to for answers.
Through Carlisle, Bella learned that her father still believed her to be quarantined at the hospital, with a disease so contagious, deadly, and unidentifiable that she was allowed no visitors, where even her doctors had to take decontaminating showers before and after seeing her. The only reason this story even continued to work was because Bella called him every day on a disposable cell phone the hospital had supposedly provided her with to convince him she wasn't dead, or, ya know, that this whole story wasn't completely bogus.
To Bella's credit, she did a credible job sounding distressed and sick over the phone. Every time she heard Charlie's voice, her heart ached for her father, and the shame burned through her for lying to him.
But she could not go to him, could not tell him the truth. There was still the very obvious issue that she was no longer human and she could not afford to put him in anymore danger than she already had by being around him. The Cullens had a round the clock watch on the Swan household in case the Volturi tried to pull another fast one but besides that, they weren't even sure Bella could be around her father without wanting to drink his blood.
Which was a supremely painful thought, that not only had she put her father in danger of the Volturi, but was now a danger to him herself. She tried desperately not to think about it. (She failed.)
It was obvious that though Bella could resist bloodlust better than pure vampires, she still craved it. The deer proved that much, seeing all the trouble it had gotten Bella into. It was not a good time to test her control around humans. Under Carlisle's supervision, they discovered that Bella needed a diet of both blood and human food, much to Esme's delight.
That woman loved to cook, and she was ecstatic that she would still be allowed to feed Bella.
Bella could go for what amounted to about three days before the pain of bloodlust began to be unbearable, and as such Carlisle would have her drink from their emergency stores, because considering the volatile situation with the Volturi he didn't want to risk taking Bella out to hunt. The emergency stores were now consequently running low.
Three days was actually less than the full week most vampires could go before they absolutely needed to hunt, but fortunately, animal blood seemed to sate Bella's bloodlust completely as opposed to barely satisfying vampires.
Bella found drinking blood to be really weird, gross, and… Delicious experience. It was like pouring the best hot chocolate in the world down her throat, like an instant relief to the sense of dying of thirst, quenching the fire the bloodlust brought on. There was no denying it tasted good -heated up at least; cold, it tasted substantially worse— but still, the thought of what she was drinking always made Bella queasy afterwards.
Fortunately, she had no issues like that with eating regular food. Esme's cooking was as excellent as ever, and thanks to Bella's new and improved senses, it tasted better than ever as well. She digested it just as well as before. Unfortunately, Bella still had to use the bathroom, which was the only downside to eating human food. Bella didn't really mind, considering the way the flavors now exploded deliciously on her powerful taste buds.
They also found out she could also only stay awake for about two days before she found that she had to sleep, but she only slept for about six or seven hours, upon which she would awake fully rested and restored.
Bella knew Carlisle wanted to experiment with her more than this. She could tell he was dying to figure out every little nuance of her powers, of which he believed there were, indeed, multiple. (Bella would have been much more curious as well, if she weren't stressed half to death at every waking moment.) As Bella figured, besides the unheard of ability to nullify all other superpowers -which she was informed apparently did work on vampires, much to her surprise— she also had an unusually strong survival instinct that was too intuitive to be run of the mill.
It was clear, however, that her power of nullification came at a cost. Using it multiple times in quick succession took a toll on her body, although she thankfully seemed to recover quickly. Carlisle was extremely interested, but holding off in light of the perilous situation. Through the Cullen grapevine (which was really just Rosalie, who thought she and Alice were both being idiots) Bella knew that Alice's visions were still being clouded by Aro's wife.
Apparently Sulpicia was nearly constantly shrouding the Volturi's thoughts, presumably back in Italy, preventing Alice from having any clear idea of what they were going to do or when. Carlisle also gave Bella rundown on the Volturi, letting her know who was who and what they were capable of.
Aro, their leader, could read every thought someone had ever had with a simple touch, which frightened Bella beyond relief. How sick was it that just by brushing against a person, Aro could know every single thing inside someone's mind? It was a terrifying thought.
Marcus and Caius were Aro's right and left hands. Marcus possessed the power to identify the relationship between two people merely by looking at them, but Caius possessed no powers other than a strong sense of ruthlessness and ambition.
Victoria, Bella knew all too well. Along with a weak but all too real ability to persuade, she was a vicious bitch with a poisonous tongue that Bella herself had eliminated as a threat. Carlisle was unsurprised when Bella told him what her bite could do. When Bella asked if it was at all possible that Victoria could be changed back, Carlisle said he didn't think so.
"Changing into a vampire once is dangerous and painful enough. I don't believe the human body is strong enough to not only go there once, but come back, and then do it again. I think it would most likely kill her," he said.
"Good," Bella replied grimly. After fighting the Volturi face to face, her fear of becoming a killer was all but gone, at least where they were concerned.
She'd never hated a group of people so fully, never thought she could be capable of such a vicious emotion, but there it was.
After Victoria, there was only Jane and Alec, whom Bella had already met. Jane's power was very obviously the ability to inflict unimaginable pain with just a look. Carlisle clarified that Alec's ability was simply complete and utter sense deprivation, which accounted for the feeling of ceasing to exist.
Bella had to wonder how Helen Keller ever got along in life, even only being deaf and blind. She really had to wonder whose power she feared more; Jane's or Alec's. The thought of that sinister, numbing black smoke still gave her chills.
However, when Bella told Carlisle about the little girl vampire, Omi, he was shocked and then immediately appalled.
"I can't believe he did it," Carlisle said, disgust in his eyes. "I can't believe he'd really stoop that low."
When Bella explained everything that had happened to her, Carlisle suspected that Omi did not actually share Jane's power of pain, but had her own power which would have seduced Aro into actually creating what he called an immortal child.
Seeing Bella's confusion, Carlisle elaborated.
Immortal children were children who had been changed into vampires. Unlike their adult counterparts, immortal children had almost no control over their bloodlust or their instincts. Stories of them always involved mass destruction and death, as the super powered children fed on whole towns, mindless, incapable of stopping themselves. The Volturi had placed a total, absolute ban on their creation, punishable by death with no exceptions. Not because they cared about the deaths of humans, but because it was a huge exposure risk to vampires.
Carlisle was visibly angered by the fact that Aro apparently thought himself above that law, one of the only laws Carlisle actually agreed with him on. Transforming a child was bad for not only the child, but everyone involved. Immortal children constantly suffered with bloodlust and desires too mature for their young bodies. After hearing how Omi followed Jane's orders, if reluctantly, Carlisle guessed that it must be because of Jane's power. Even the most uncontrollable and instinctual of animals could be controlled by pain. If she couldn't have been contained, Aro would simply have killed her.
Carlisle theorized that Omi must have shown some kind of gift in her human state, prompting Aro's decision to take her. It must have been a very great gift indeed if Aro would go so far as to create an immortal child, instead of having the patience to wait for Omi to grow. Carlisle believed it must have been the power of amplification.
"Aro would never have bothered with creating a second version of Jane, not when Jane does her job so well, especially not as an immortal child. No, I think he wanted someone who could amplify the abilities of his already quite powerful lieutenants. He must have seen something in that poor girl that suggested that ability," Carlisle told Bella sadly. "Something he wanted badly enough to change her then and there, without waiting for her to mature."
It made Bella hate the Volturi all the more. That they could take the life of an innocent child and turn her into a monster for their own selfish gains was sickening.
Besides Aro, Marcus, Caius and their lieutenants, the Volturi were comprised of dozens of other vampires who did not possess supernatural powers, but were very efficient foot soldiers. Because Sulpicia was still blocking Alice's visions, they had no idea of knowing when the Volturi would attack next. For now, it seemed, they were still planning, but after seeing how quickly and sneakily they could attack, like a coiled snake, nobody was taking chances. They were all on their toes and Carlisle had begun making phone calls to friends of the Cullens, desperately requesting help.
Some promised they would. Others flat out refused. Very few said they would consider it.
And beyond all that, they still had to worry about what the wolves might do. Alice was watching them closely, and apparently they were gathering en masse. Leah's guess had been right; Sam was gathering all the packs. Alice wasn't sure exactly what they would do when they came, but come they would.
Soon.
Bella knew Carlisle expected her to be the one to take care of that. He'd said as much in all their conversations, but Bella never knew quite exactly how to say "I have no fucking clue how I did what I did, why do you keep acting like I'm going to be able to stop them?" without sounding rude, so she just tried to pretend like the world wasn't coming down around her.
Seeing Alice around the house in glimpses but not having the strength or the will to talk to her was nearly unbearable. Any time Bella caught sight of the pixie, even scented her coming around, she would disappear into the farthest corner of the house.
Alice eventually gave up on trying to talk to her by the third day of this. Bella wasn't sure if that was a relief, or if it just made her even angrier.
She just… She couldn't face her. Beyond all the rage and the hurt, all the stupid jealousy, Bella was afraid of what Alice would say. She was afraid that Jasper's so called ultimate deciding factor of a kiss had not come to the conclusion Bella so desperately needed it to.
She was afraid of what Alice would say. Bella was absolutely terrified that Alice was going to tell her that she regretted ever making the decision to leave him, that it was Jasper she'd really wanted all along.
After all, it was absurd, wasn't it, that she'd been married to Jasper for fifty years, known Bella for almost less than one, and that she'd given up on that marriage just for her.
For Bella. For a silly human girl.
After all, what was so special about Bella anyway? Nothing, in her mind. She was just another average human teenager.
Maybe, in the fit of hormones and pheromones, Alice had been tricked into thinking otherwise. Maybe because of that fateful day in Bella's room, when she first bit the vampire and started all this mess, they'd confused themselves, convinced themselves that what was between them was something more than it really was.
Or rather, maybe Alice had been tricked, because Bella knew most certainly that she had not convinced herself of anything. She felt it so deeply in the strings of her heart that she knew, at least for her, that her love for Alice was real, realer than anything she'd ever felt before.
She was terrified that Alice was going to tell her that it was no longer the same for her.
Bella supposed the fact that Alice and Jasper were not all over each other, the fact that Alice was avoiding Jasper just as ardently as she was avoiding Alice was a good sign, but then again, that might just be because Alice did not want to hurt her. Maybe she was just waiting for the chance to properly break Bella's heart before she fell back into his arms.
It made Bella want to tear her freaking hair out thinking about it.
And speaking of Jasper…
The tension in the house from waiting for the other shoe to drop, on the Volturi or the werewolves to make their move was already so thick that it was crushing. None of the Cullens were in good spirits, not even Emmett. The brooding vampire stereotype became a reality in that house, as they tried to get together a game plan that wouldn't result in all of their deaths.
Jasper's presence made this all so much worse.
Anyone in the room with Jasper Hale and Bella Swan at the same time could practically swim in the tension between them. It was angry, volatile, and ripe with dissension. They did not avoid each other; no, it seemed that neither of them would give the other the satisfaction. When Jasper came around, Bella's hackles rose. If their eyes met, their faces were smooth on the outside, but inwardly, the fire in their eyes was blazing, challenging.
How could you do that? Bella would silently demand him. How could you do that to me?
How could I do what? His eyes would reply. How could I do exactly what you did to me?
And Bella would have to look away because she knew it was the truth, and it killed her that she technically had no right to hate him, to be so furious with him that she wanted to grind his face into asphalt.
Because when it came right down to it, how could she really be angry at Jasper? After all, Bella was the one to steal his wife from him, his mate. She'd ruined everything for him with Alice, whether she meant to or not. Had her lips not touched Alice's even when she still wore a matching ring with him? A ring Bella could not but fucking help notice that was now back on his finger, when it used to sit at the bottom of Alice's drawer?
A ring that was a reminder to Bella's betrayal of him, someone she'd used to be close with. A ring that was a reminder of all that he shared with Alice that Bella did not.
When it came right down to it, when she looked at Jasper, there was always guilt in her heart, for hurting him as badly as she had.
I never wanted to hurt you, she wanted to tell him desperately. I never meant to take her from you. It just happened. I never meant to love her, but I do. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, Jasper.
Bella's inner vampiric instincts did not share those sentiments. No, they wanted to break Jasper's filthy ring finger, beat the life out of him, bow up and eliminate him. Jasper was a threat. Jasper would take her Alice, her mate. It was purely primal, the urge to take out a potential contender for Alice's affections. She was not a violent person by any means, but her vampire side surely was.
She picked me! That part of Bella screamed. She left you for me! You can't have her! She's MINE!
The possessiveness was scary at the same time that it was comforting. She wondered if this was what Alice always struggled with, and now understood why it was so hard for her.
Nothing ever happened between her and Jasper, but it was there, undeniably. The friction when they got around each other clearly rubbed them both the wrong way. Bella knew something had to give. She was afraid of that happening, too.
It seemed she was afraid of a lot of things these days.
Leah was actually one of the only things that kept Bella from going crazy being cooped up at the Cullen household. Thankfully, with all the other tensions in the house, Leah being a werewolf living with them was nearly forgotten, though the Cullens consistently complained of the smell. Bella personally had grown to like the smell of heat and earth on Leah, a big contrast to the common vampiric scent of icy peppermint, even though she knew the werewolf probably smelled like wet dog to the rest of them.
Esme always hushed them, though her nose wrinkled as well. The Cullen matron had taken a liking to Leah, much to Leah's bewilderment and slight discomfort, though Bella suspected it secretly made the Quileute happy to have another person in the house that didn't look at her like a cockroach scuttling around. Bella was thankful for it too, aching for her friend and annoyed by the barely there tolerance the Cullens exhibited.
She knew Esme was a sucker for a poor young girl in need of some good old fashioned motherly TLC. Leah was now essentially homeless, and now hated by her entire family and friends. Leah, for her part, was taking it well on the outside, but Bella could tell that it hurt the girl deep down.
There was no way Esme wouldn't fawn over her. Besides, she now got to feed two people, and Leah's appetite was even more voracious than Bella's, much to Esme's glee. Bella knew Esme's cooking also had swayed Leah's opinion of the vampire sharply in her favor.
The werewolf ate like… Well, like an animal. And what could bring two people better together than food?
If it weren't for Leah being in that house, Bella surely would have had another newborn fit. As it was, the native was a huge help in keeping her cool. Leah was so relaxed that her vibe always rubbed off on Bella. Coupled with the fact that she cracked the most inappropriate of jokes at the most inappropriate of times, she was all that kept Bella sane. Leah's wit and spontaneity had Bella laughing without her permission, smiling when she'd rather scowl, or at the very least rolling her eyes and losing steam.
Without having Alice, her best friend, Leah became a good stand in. Nobody would ever make her smile like Alice did, till her cheeks actually hurt, but Leah came close. Leah was also so very chill that Bella couldn't help but chill too. Where Alice was full of energy, Leah was so lazy that it was contagious. More often than not she and Leah would just sprawl out somewhere and eat or watch TV and snooze.
Things that sent Bella' s blood pressure through the roof, Leah thought were no big deal, and she was good at convincing Bella of the same. And if she couldn't convince her, she would steer Bella towards a different subject until she had her so off topic that Bella could almost forget she was mad in the first place.
However, there came a time when not even Leah could calm Bella down.
Of course, it was because of Jasper.
She and Leah were sitting out on the second floor balcony, relaxing and talking when Jasper walked out into the back yard.
"You know you're being ridiculous, right?" Leah said as Bella leaned back in her chair, one foot hooked into the railing of the balcony to keep her balance.
"Yes," Bella admitted, popping a grape into her mouth a moment later as she avoided Leah's eyes.
They were discussing Bella's continued avoidance of the love of her life, which Leah thought unbelievably stupid. She'd told Bella that repeatedly in the past week, and Bella knew it was true, but this was the first time she'd admitted it.
"Okay, well now that you've admitted you're being an idiot, why do you continue to do so?"
"Do what?" Bella replied evasively, and though she wasn't looking at Leah, she practically felt her eyes rolling.
"Be an idiot," Leah huffed, and Bella started when a grape pelted her in the temple.
"Hey!" she yelped, rubbing the wet spot off her face with her sleeve as she turned to glare at Leah.
"And now that you're looking at me and not those lovely trees over there," Leah said with a sweet smile, before becoming serious again. "Seriously, Izzy. I'm not trying to upset you, but it's been a whole week. Don't you think it's time to woman the fuck up and face her? I love you chica, but I'm getting really tired of seeing you mope around all the time. It's cramping my style."
"What style?" Bella scoffed, and allowed herself the smallest of smiles at Leah's smirk.
"You know, the whole bad ass thing I've got going on. It's hard to pull off when your best pal is acting like Eeyore," Leah said, which made Bella laugh outright.
"Bad ass, right."
"I am, and you know it. And stop avoiding the real topic at hand here."
"And that is…?" Bella drawled, but immediately gave up the act at the hard look Leah sent her that clearly said, Stop it.
Bella sighed deeply and rubbed at the back of her neck, part of her wanting to ask Leah to drop it, and the other part knowing she couldn't avoid it forever.
It was just so painful to think about… Just the thought of facing Alice now made her seriously anxious.
"I just-I just can't yet, Leah. I can't," Bella said softly.
"Why not?" Leah demanded. "Every time I bring this up you either shrug it off or say 'I just can't.' Newsflash Izzy, that's not a valid reason."
"You just-You don't get it Leah!" Bella snapped with a flash of frustration. The feet of her chair hit the balcony again with a clang as she sat upright, growling.
"Alright, alright. Easy, mami. Don't vamp out on me," Leah held up a hand in acquiescence.
Leah had taken to calling her mami as a joke about her being el Madre del Sol. Usually it made Bella grin, but not this time.
"I'm sorry, I'm not vamping out," Bella put her head in her hands and sighed again. "I just can't face her Leah… I can't."
"Why not?" Leah asked again, gentler this time, and sat up too to catch Bella's eyes.
That was one of the best things about Leah. As inappropriate as her jokes were and as callous as she might come off, when it came right down to it, she was truly a good friend.
"Because," Bella grit out, swallowing back the sudden urge to cry.
How could she explain it to Leah? How could she explain such a raw fear in her heart?
She glanced at Leah's almond eyes, firm and sincere, waiting patiently for an answer.
"Because I'm scared," Bella finally admitted out loud, and it hurt to hear it in the open. "I'm scared that if I talk to her… She'll tell me she doesn't love me anymore. And I can't handle that right now. I can't. I love her so much, Lee, you have no idea… I've never loved anyone as much as I love her. I know it sounds really stupid and cliché, but it's the truth."
Leah nodded and waited for her to continue. That was another great thing about Leah; she was easy to vent to.
"And I need her right now, even though I'm so fucking mad at her. I need her to keep loving me because if I lose her, if I lose her to him and I have to see it while we all wait to be murdered by the goddamn Volturi, it'll kill me. All of this will have been pointless. It will have been for nothing. I can't do this without her. I can't bear the thought that all of this was just-Just a mistake to her, that she never really loved me the way that I know I love her."
Bella locked her jaw and rubbed at her eyes furiously when tears rolled out of them, mildly embarrassed to be crying in front of Leah, who could be as ruthless as Rosalie when it came to pouncing on weakness.
She couldn't help it though. Every word she spoke was the truth, and it hurt so much to know that. Her fear of losing Alice was real, and her anger that Alice did this to her escalated every time she thought of it.
So how could she face Alice? How could she talk about it when just thinking about it made her want to scream?
She couldn't. She just couldn't.
Leah did not make fun of her, or tell her to stop being a baby. All she did was hum and hold out a grape to Bella, who took it with a watery sniff and tossed it into her mouth, chewing it roughly.
"Okay, first things first. Those Vol-whatever-the-fucks are not murdering any of us. Especially not me, and especially not you, because everyone in this house would lay down their life for you in a heartbeat. Or… Lack of a heartbeat. Whatever. The point stands. For a bunch of leeches, the Cullens are pretty alright, and damn strong. I think we've got that under control," Leah said firmly, and Bella scoffed.
"No, we don't! You have no idea how strong they are, how close they came to killing me and Alice and Jasper-and that was just a few of them! Not to mention when they do come around, someone is bound to die and there's no way it can't be one of us because they're so strong, and it will be all my fault because-"
"Oh, shut up with that nonsense!" Leah waved her off, scowling. "You can quit with that whole guilt complex right now. This was not your fault."
"Leah-"
"I said no."
They glared at each other for a few seconds, before Bella gave up, rolling her eyes in annoyance. She didn't agree with Leah for even a second, but arguing with the stubborn werewolf would get her nowhere.
"Anyway," Leah went on, ignoring her eye roll. "They didn't kill you. If I recall, you not only put them all on their asses, but you got that redhead bitch all by yourself. They don't sound too strong to me."
"That's not how it went down! That was luck! I don't even know how to pull that crap again, and Alice totally softened Victoria up first-"
"Whatever, you don't give yourself enough credit Izzy," Leah waved her off again and Bella growled at her in exasperation. Leah stared at her, unimpressed, and popped another grape into her mouth.
"Leah…" Bella sighed, but Leah just tossed another grape at her and continued as if she hadn't said anything.
Bella rolled her eyes again.
Werewolves. Who knew they were just as stubborn as vampires?
"Anyway, all of this is totally beside the point, because nobody's getting killed," Leah said. "I get what you're saying girl. I really do. I get why you're scared to talk to Pixie Sticks, but shouldn't you consider the fact that you should probably be more scared of what will happen if you don't talk to her?"
Bella froze at that implication, a grape halfway to her mouth.
"Look at it this way. These Vultures-"
"Volturi," Bella corrected automatically, the corners of her lips quirking up a little at Leah's indifference. Even though she knew it was misguided, Leah's lack of fear of the Volturi was actually really comforting and bolstering. Her confidence was infectious.
"Yeah, that. They could attack at any moment, right? This big bad group of vampires that you're so sure are capable of killing any of us so easily might pop up whenever, wherever. What if they get to you or Alice before you talk to her? What if the last thing you ever had with her was some stupid argument over some stupid boy? What if she dies or you die without ever fixing this?"
Bella felt like she'd been punched in the stomach. She released a heavy breath, feeling sick.
That… Is a really good point. Not to mention… God, what if Alice died? What if Alice died and I refused to talk to her when I still could? Oh my god, I think I'm going to throw up.
She put the grape back down in the bowl on the small table between them with trembling fingers, and Leah went on.
"Plus, the longer you wait, the more you push her away, the greater the chance that your fears come true. The farther you push her away, the closer you push her to that pretty boy's arms. If she decides you've given up on her, maybe she really will think this was all a big mistake and run right back to him. You already said she was having second thoughts. This talk could swing her either way, and right now, I think you're swinging it the wrong way entirely."
Bella stared at Leah, aghast, and the native stared back stoically.
"Oh my god," Bella breathed. "Are you serious? Do you really think that could happen just because I won't talk to her?"
"Yeah, I do. I've seen it happen, remember?" Leah said quietly, her face clouding before she pursed her lips and looked away.
Bella knew what Leah was talking about.
Apparently she'd once been madly in love with a girl named Emily, who was now with Sam, whom she had dated before Leah, which tore Bella up for her friend. The story was that Sam imprinted on Emily a year into her and Leah's relationship, the day that he first transformed into a wolf. Imprinting was the werewolf version of mating, and it was extremely powerful. Sam would never love another, even if Emily were to die. His heart would always be set on her. He was always blatantly obvious about trying to win Emily back from Leah.
The Quileute elders, already disapproving of homosexual relationships because they could not reproduce and continue the bloodline, demanded that Leah and Emily separate so that Emily and Sam could be together. Leah, of course, refused, and grew so angry -understandably— when Emily suggested they at least talk about a compromise, namely a three way relationship with Sam, that she didn't speak to her for nearly two weeks.
But the day Leah went to make up with her, she caught Emily and Sam together. Emily was clearly distraught and Sam was clearly trying to win her over, listing all the reasons they should be together, all the things he could give her that Leah couldn't, and ended by saying that Leah didn't even want her anymore as she'd already proved considering Leah wouldn't even speak to her.
Emily believed him. They kissed passionately. It resulted in a nasty screaming match, which resulted in both Leah and Sam transforming to attack each other, which ended with Sam badly wounded and Leah nearly dead alongside a hysterical Emily. The rest of the pack stopped the fight before it could end in one of their deaths.
Emily pleaded desperately for Leah's forgiveness, but Leah couldn't even look at her.
Two months later Emily and Sam got married.
And that was that.
Leah had known that Emily still had a soft spot for Sam, and that his imprinting on her had only strengthened that soft spot, but she had never expected that. Understandably, Leah was still heartbroken over it.
And now she was warning Bella of making the same mistake she had.
It was a powerful warning that made her heart ache for her friend at the same time that it convinced her of what she needed to do.
None of that stopped Bella from being scared shitless. Though she knew it was the one thing she needed to do, it was the last thing she thought she could do.
"I'm sorry, Lee," Bella said softly to her friend, but Leah just hummed and shrugged, gazing out at the trees surrounding the back lawn.
Bella would have said more, but was stopped by the sound of the back door opening beneath them. A moment later Jasper appeared, trotting out into the middle of the yard where he stretched slowly and sighed audibly.
Bella's jaw tightened. Unbidden, her vampire stirred territorially, disliking the mere sight of him. She tried to clamp down on it but as usual, it didn't work. She went silent and glared down at Jasper, her muscles tautening.
"Uh oh," Leah chuckled, glancing at her. "Down, mami."
Bella didn't reply. They both watched as Jasper shrugged out of his shirt and began to stretch his entire body out. When he finished with that, he began to slide in and out of various martial arts poses, the muscles of his upper body flexing with each movement.
"What a tool," Leah scoffed. Considering her history with Sam, she was no fan of Jasper's. The wolf stood up and stretched her arms out wide, yawning as if she didn't notice Bella glaring daggers down at the blond vampire. "Come on, Izzy. Let's go in. We're out of grapes anyway."
Bella stood up slowly as well though her eyes didn't leave Jasper. Her talk with Leah had put the need to do something in her, before it was too late. But she was still so afraid of facing Alice, so afraid of losing her. It had always been one of her worst fears and it was only intensified by her change into… Whatever she was.
She couldn't do it yet; she'd have a panic attack if she tried.
"Maybe I'm not ready to talk to Alice," Bella said slowly and leaned forward, clasping the railing in both hands tightly. "But I think I am ready to talk to him."
Leah's eyebrows shot up, and she glanced from Bella to Jasper and back again.
"Uh… Are you sure that's such a good idea?" Leah laughed a little. "The last thing we need is a full blown fight between you two. I'm serious, I thought a house full of newly transformed wolves was tense, but this house takes the cake. Plus I'm pretty sure if you kill him, the Cullens might be a tad bit upset."
"I'm not going down there to fight with him," Bella deflected, and then shrugged one shoulder, face still hard like her eyes. "I just want to talk."
That was not entirely true; a dark part of her would love to go at it with Jasper. She could not help it, much as she tried. When she looked at Jasper, rage filled her.
"Okay. If you say so," Leah drawled, skepticism about this decision clear on her face. But Leah was not the type of friend who tried to dictate your choices. She gave her opinion, and let a person go from there. It was yet another thing Bella appreciated about her.
"Just… Holler if you need help, or whatever. He doesn't exactly look like a pushover," Leah chuckled, rolling her eyes when Jasper leaped into the air and did an impressive high kick.
Leah put a hand on her shoulder for a brief moment, and Bella smiled lightly at her in acknowledgment of the support, and with that the native disappeared back into the house, the glass door sliding shut behind her.
Bella's smile slipped away immediately. She watched Jasper for another long moment as he shadow boxed, his hands flashing in the air, his stance solid, his face set in concentration. Bella knew that he knew she was watching him, might have even heard her talking with Leah.
A knot formed in her stomach at the thought of confrontation, but it was one that steeled her instead of frightened her away as it would at the thought of confronting Alice.
So maybe she wasn't ready to face Alice.
But she was definitely ready to face Jasper.
I don't know if I'm in the right here, Bella thought as she leaped the balcony in one smooth, swift movement, courtesy of her vampiric grace, and landed on the soft grass below lightly with barely a sound.
Maybe I don't deserve to even be angry at all, she thought as Jasper slowly stood upright and turned to face her as she approached, his face expressionless, his amber eyes guarded.
"Hello, Bella," he inclined his head in greeting when she stopped a foot from him, and they both knew exactly what this was going to be about as their eyes met and the tension in the yard heightened wildly.
All I know is that I sure as hell don't want me and Alice to end up like Leah and Emily did.
And so her showdown with Jasper began.