Susano-o: So this is a thing.
Sekhmet: I fucking love NGE. But only for the art. Don't think I'm some damn edgelord cause I'm not. I just like the traditional style of art and animation. Anyway, welcome to Evangelion 5.0: You Can (Not) Be Serious. No, this isn't a parody. We're not joking. Well, maybe were joking a little.
Susano-o: Also known as Evangelion where people don't bottle up their problems and or expect people to deal with serious issues on their own. Seriously, some therapy would fix so much of Evangelion, but that's what happens when a show is fake deep.
Sekhmet: Poor depressed bois. Or girls, in this case. Once again, two OCs take the stage in this fic. And yes, they too have their problems. Also, we're using a mix of Rebuild and Original canon, so buckle your seatbelt for Mari in anime canon, among other things.
Susano-o: And like Anno we have VERY basic knowledge of these illnesses, we're not psychology experts and don't claim to be, so fair warning BIG disclaimer for mental illness.
Sekhmet: Seriously, if we're misrepresenting certain mental illnesses, PLEASE contact us and tell us. We don't want to get in trouble if we're doing this wrong. Also, each episode will feature some sort of variation on Fly Me To the Moon, depending on how the episode goes.
Susano-o: And to help with that we'll make a list of them here, fair warning we're taking our interpretation for the actual 4 children, this may not be the actual one but it's what we think they have.
Shinji- Clinical Depression, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependant Personality Disorder (How these two can coexist we're not sure), general abandonment issues.
Rei- Schizoid Personality Disorder
Asuka: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Superiority Complex, Inferiority Complex, Histrionic Personality Disorder
Mari- Mild Psychopathy (We don't see enough of her to give her a better diagnosis)
(OC) Isabelle- Cleithrophobia, Borderline Personality Disorder, Acrophillia
(OC) Mary: Maladaptive Daydreaming (Daydreams relayed in bold text)
(OC) Adelise: Cotard's Delusion
Sekhmet: Anything else that needs discussing?
Susano-o: I don't think so, so let's get to chapter 1!
Sekhmet: So an American and an Australian walk into Japan...
Susano-o: Yeah mate, break out the thongs and throw some shrimp on the barbie.
Sekhmet: And bring on the pain!
(A Cruel Angel's Thesis, 10th Anniversary Edition)
The original opening is recut to include Mary, Isabelle and Adelise in certain shots, the most notable being stills of Mary and Isabelle replacing stills of Gendo and Ritsuko. In the last few shots, Mary reaches out to Shinji from beyond her plug, which is seen off the side of the plug as ejected. The last shot is the silhouettes of the main cast against a red background.
Chapter 1: Fresh off the Boat
Mary Jones sat in one of the comfy chairs of the plane currently bound for Sydney. She studied the patterns of the clouds, not having much more to do. Her Walkman played "Proud Mary" in her ears. She was getting antsy, as land was so close but not here yet.
"How you feelin' girly?" One of the black suited agents asked from his seat nearby.
"I'm alright sir. A little nervous, but I'll be fine." Mary said, removing one side of her headphones to hear.
"Don't worry, working for NERV isn't that bad," He said shrugging. "Just follow orders and everything will be smooth sailing."
"I hope so. Frankly I'm more worried about being in a whole new country and so far from home." Mary thought. "I'm really rusty, I should have studied more." "Yes sir." Mary said.
The sound of tires skidding on asphalt broke through her thoughts. Mary looked up suddenly. The plane was landing.
"Ah time to pick up the other one," The agent said standing up with a groan.
Mary's head raced with incredibly vivid pictures of what this person might look like. A mousey blonde girl with glasses? A rugged surfer type guy with a complex beard? It could be anyone.
"Hey, you ok mate?" A voice said as Mary felt a light tap on her shoulder that was quickly pulled way. Mary's head snapped up. In front of her was a black and pink streaked haired girl dressed in a pair of light grey pants with sturdy outdoor boots, a white t-shirt, a wide brim hat sat on a table nearby with a pair of goggles strapped to the top. The girl herself was heavily tanned with small scars all over her arms, legs, and face. one of which was stitched up on her cheek. Finally she had big expressive green eyes, throwing a large hiking bag into one of the seats she grabbed the one across from Mary.
"I'm alright. Just a bit nervous." Mary said.
"Why?"
"It's just some brand new experiences is all. I've never been to Japan." Mary explained.
"Ah," She answered with a soft nod. "Well then this is gonna be a right trip for you."
"It's been one, yes." Mary said. "I honestly have very little idea about what to expect, and that's why I'm so nervous."
"Oh that's the fun part," She said smiling. "I've been all around the world, not knowing what to expect is the best."
Mary sighed. "I suppose you're right. I'm a forgetful person anyway. By the time I set foot on land, I'll probably forget why I was so nervous anyway."
"Tthere you go," She said, holding out a hand. "Isabelle Zoe Elke O'Kelly-Watanabe," She spat out rapid fire.
Mary took her hand a bit taken aback. "Mary Jones." She introduced herself.
"Yeah my dad isn't sane," Isabelle said shrugging nervously. "Threw every bloody nationality between him and me mum together into one name."
"Ah." Mary said.
"Yeah, so just call me Isabelle," She said looking Mary over. The girl was probably around 4'9". Her skin was tanned from being out in the sun, and her chocolate colored hair was shaggy on top and coiled into two small buns below her head. She wore a black crop top and khaki pants, black sneakers, and slung around her neck was a pair of older headphones attached to a Walkman on her belt. Sat next to her was a lumpy white canvas bag.
"Well Isabelle." Mary said, reaching into her bag. "According to my family tradition, would you like a peach?" She finished, pulling out said fruit.
Isabelle smiled happily before grabbing the peach and a knife from her bag. "Cheers mate," She said slicing it apart into strips. Mary took another from her bag, mimicked a toasting gesture and started eating hers like an apple. The fruits were smaller than normal, but were packed with juice and sweetness to the point of being artificial.
"Maybe this won't be so bad after all…" Mary thought.
"So did you happen to see a giant metal cross they loaded up and left with as you came in?" Isabelle asked. "Took one of those giant planes to lift it."
"I'm not really sure." Mary said. "They loaded one up with me too."
"Well that's odd," Isabelle said shrugging. "-But NERV's one big organization."
"I know right? They've got buildings everywhere." Mary said.
"Employs damn near everyone in the world nowadays," Isabelle shrugged. "Dad's worked in almost every office across the world, they have like a thousand employees per building."
"I know. Ever since Dad went to work for them, it's practically been up to me to tend to the farm." Mary said. "And now even I work for them. Who's gonna take care of the trees now? Our cat Momo? She can't harvest peaches, she has no thumbs."
"That's gonna be hard," Isabelle said sympathetically. "We live in a van so it's easy to pack up and go."
"Not gonna lie, I'm kinda jealous. I wish dad could have packed up the farm in a van and left. We might still have the other half of our orchard." Mary said.
"Ever tried living in a tight enclosed place with your parent for weeks at a time," Isabelle asked. "And I mean one of those tiny vans for 1 person."
"That's why I said kinda." Mary said.
Isabelle chuckled, twitching slightly as the doors closed and the plane moved into takeoff position.
…
Mary gazed out the window, quite entranced with the sight in front of her. The clouds formed tall, swirling shapes, almost like castle spires. A white, cyan bellied dragon soared through the clouds, making grand loops and spins without a care in the world. It dipped beneath the clouds and came up soaked in water, quickly shaken off.
"Oi, you ok there?" Isabelle asked grabbing Mary's shoulder. Mary jolted upwards, and in an instant the daydream faded.
"Huh? Yeah I'm ok." She said. It wasn't very convincing.
"You sure, you kinda spaced out on me there in the middle of our conversation?"
"I'm sorry. I can sometimes be like that. I really don't mean to." Mary said.
"Ok then?" Isabelle said confused. Mary went back to the window.
"Attention passengers, the landing process will begin shortly. Please return to your seats and place your trays into the upright locked position." The pilot chimed in over the radio. Without looking away from the window, Mary locked up her tray.
"Finally, flying is worse than boating," Isabelle groaned as she squirmed in her seat clenching her hands.
"I like flying. Humans weren't meant to fly, but we did it anyway. If that's not the biggest possible fuck you to any and all gods I don't know what is." Mary said.
"I guess, I mean I do like paragliding and the like, I guess it's being trapped in a giant metal tube I have no control over is the problem."
"I suppose. You just gotta have faith in the pilots." Mary said as the plane tires screeched on the landing strip pavement.
"Fuckin' finally," Isabelle said grabbing her bag. "Let's get out of the woop woop already."
"I have no idea what that means." Mary said, taking her bag with her. The summer sun beat down on the runway, heat waves blazed from the pavement.
"Middle of F-in no where," Isabelle explained putting on her hat to block out the sun.
"Ah." Mary said.
"Yeah," She said pulling out a map and staring at it for a few minutes. "Ok then, my kanji is a lot rusty, but I think we go this way to the exit tram."
"That is...not at all what that says." Mary said, and suppressed a giggle. "The exit tram is over there."
Isabelle turned the map sideways. "What was I looking at?" She asked confused.
"Fire extinguishers it looks like." Mary said. "I think that's what that says anyway."
"Well I learned Japanese when I was like 7, so it's been a while," Isabelle blushed.
"Not knocking you for that. I only know about a hundred various phrases, so we're in the same boat." Mary said.
"Well this is gonna be an interesting move then," Isabelle concluded. "Come on to the tram then."
"Yay, more sitting." Mary said.
….
"So any reason why we were sent ahead on our own?" Isabelle asked.
"Not a clue. If I were optimistic, I'd say they wanted us to be independent or something." Mary said.
"Well it's odd but then again NERV is weird," Isabelle said looking out the window, then sat up in shock. "What the-?!" She screamed.
"What? What is it?" Mary asked frightened. She had been slipping into one of her dazes when Isabella had screamed.
"Look at that crater!" She yelled pointing out the window.
"Cool!" Mary said excitedly, gaping at said crater.
"Cor-blimey that must be where that bloody bogan angel got a bomb dropped on its head." Isabelle realized.
"Oh yeah. I kinda forgot that those exist." Mary said.
Isabelle looked back in shock. "How the blood soaked protestant hell did you forget about the building sized bogan stomping through a city not even a week ago?" She asked incredulously.
"Remember when I said I was a forgetful person?" Mary said.
"It was all over the news," Isabelle said pointing at the nearby TV. "It's still on!"
Mary shrugged. "I guess I just forgot." Mary looked off into the distance, and rubbed her eyes. The setting had suddenly switched to night, within the blink of an eye. The tram rattled, the lights suddenly becoming rickety and flickering. In the darkness Mary saw a pair of footprints glowing in the dim light, as if illuminated by a blacklight. Curiosity overwhelmed her, and she followed the footsteps. They ended just inside the next car. Sitting close to the door was a mousey looking boy, in his own world thanks to a Walkman of his own. Completely ordinary in every way, save for a slight glow. Mary rubbed her eyes hard, and everything was back to normal.
"Ok that's getting freaky," Isabelle said from the doorway. "You walked off again."
"I guess I did." Mary said, knowing full well what she was doing, but refusing to acknowledge it.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Isabelle asked.
"I'm ok." Mary said firmly.
Isabelle looked at her in nervousness, but let it go. "Ok then…" She said looking around. "So come on back then," she said waving her hand.
"In a minute." Mary said. Maybe it was just her daydream, but this kid felt important to her for some reason. He looked like he needed a friend, and she was happy to provide, especially to such a cutie. She sat down next to the kid with a loud thump, hoping it would get his attention despite the headphones.
…
Shinji started down at his feet as the loud sounds of classical music blocked out the world around him, he had been on this train since the sun had risen doing exactly what he was doing right now. The first night with Misato had been nice, but waking up after a horrifying nightmare of the 3rd Angel tearing him and his EVA apart he knew this wasn't something he could do, the only problem he had now, was getting up the courage to leave.
"Hello." Mary said. She tossed a peach back and forth between her hands like a ball.
Shinji practically jumped out of his chair. "O-oh, h-hello," He stuttered nervously.
"Is it ok if I sit here?" Mary asked. "Oh wow, aside from all the sadness fogging his eyes, he's really cute." She thought.
"Umm s-sure," He said squirming in his chair.
"Something troubling you? You look awfully nervous." Mary offered, trying to be kind.
"No no no," Shinji said with a nervous smile. "I'm fine."
"Ok. You looked like you needed a friend, or at least someone to talk to." Mary said.
"No I-I'm fine...really," He said softly.
"Well alright. At least take this." Mary said, and offered him the peach.
"Oh," Shinji said softly as his stomach started to growl. "Umm thank you," He said taking the peach and slowly chewing on it.
"So umm Mary," Isabelle said sitting down. "Real quick do you know what station we get off at to get to NERV?" She asked Mary.
"Not sure. Is there a train map nearby or on the back of the map we have?" Mary asked.
Shinji stiffened at the mention of NERV. "Umm, why are you going there?" He asked the two.
"I'm not really sure. They just said we were needed." Mary said.
"Dad got relocated to Tokyo-3 after that big bogan smashed the city." Isabelle explained. "Said they wanted me to go ahead early and meet that head doctor sheila, something about a medical checkup." She said with a shrug.
"Now that I think about it, my dad got relocated here too. Hell, our stories are pretty similar." Mary said thoughtfully.
Shinji looked at the two in fear. "N-no y-you two need to leave," He stuttered nervously.
"Why would we do that? We're almost there." Mary asked.
"N-no! You need to leave the city," Shinji shouted. "Don't go to NERV!"
"What are you on about you drongo?" Isabelle asked edging away from the crazy boy.
"They're gonna try to make you pilot the EVA," Shinji said before instantly covering his mouth as he went wide-eyed in fear.
Mary tilted her head in curiosity. "EVA? I've never heard of such a thing." Isabelle on the other hand looked confused, then excited.
"It that that gnarly purple robot that turned that angel into colored rain!?" She asked excitedly and at Shinji's hesitant nod she started giggling. "You little ripper!" She laughed.
"What?" Mary asked confused.
"Sorry, that's fantastic mate!" Isabelle corrected with a big toothy smile. "Gonna get to put those pikers in a hole in the ground!"
"I agree. It may be scary, but someone's gotta do it." Mary said with a nod.
"No you don't understand," Shinji explained. "I-it's connected to you, any pain it feels you do too," He said looking at his hand and wincing as phantom pains shot down his arm.
"What an odd system. I suppose it could have some practical purpose, but it's beyond me." Mary speculated. She tried not to speculate too hard though, or she'd end up in another daze.
"What, that means... you're the pilot of that purple war machine?" Isabelle asked in a slight daze. "Why the hell are you out here and not having a piss up in every bar in the city, smozzing and socializing with all the women and wine you could ever want?"
"I-I-I can't do it," Shinji stuttered. "T-that thing...EVA...it's not just a machine, it's a monster," He started. "I passed out and then it went berserk, it did everything on its own."
"Well it sounds pretty bad," Isabelle agreed leaning back in her seat. "-But considering what I saw, it actually did something compared to the what the military was shelling out."
"That's true, and it DID die in the end. Still, I can understand why it's upsetting." Mary agreed.
Shinji looked down at his feet as his shoulders shook. "I-It was just awful, it hurt, it was so scary, that thing was trying to murder me and everyone else."
"And now it's pushin' up daisies and you're still here," Isabelle said smiling as she patted Shinji's shoulder. "Good on ya mate."
"She's right. And if that was the bottom, the only way to go is up, right?" Mary offered.
Shinji looked up at them blinking owlishly. "Yeah I-I guess," He said with a faint smile. "Thanks."
"No wucka's," Isabelle said shrugging nonchalantly.
"Glad we could help." Mary agreed, returning the smile tenfold.
Shinji nodded before looking up at the station ticker. "Oh, we missed the station closest to NERV," He sighed. "It'll be another hour before we come around."
"We got time, right Isabelle?" Mary asked.
Isabelle shifted in her seat again looking around quickly. "Let's just get off at the next station and walk," She suggested.
"Damn, you're probably right. Oh well, I don't mind walking a bit." Mary relented.
"Umm," Shinji said interrupting them. "Sorry but, I think I can lead you guys the right way."
"Oh, thank you. That would be a huge help." Mary said enthusiastically.
This week's outro: Evangelion's Fly Me To The Moon