Chapter 39
I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT OR CHARACTERS
Bella woke to a mouth full of blood.
It wasn't as bad as it actually sounded. In fact, it was a very welcome surprise.
Her eyes popped open to unusually bright afternoon light, piercing her retinas painfully. It wasn't as painful as the rest of her body, however. Which is why when she realized she wasn't actually drowning but being fed hot, thick blood, she began guzzling it like an animal possessed.
She sank her fangs into the neck of a deer with a feral snarl. She was aware someone else was in the room when they stepped back to let her feed but didn't care. All she could focus on was feeding, soothing the raw burn in the back of her throat. With every swallow the pain in her body soothed a little more.
When she had drained everything she could from the poor animal, she reared back with a gasp, blinked wildly, pressed a hand to the space just above her collarbone which still ached like hell despite her gorging.
The poor deer slipped from her grasp and whoever was in the room with her caught it and set it aside while she struggled to get her bearings. She'd have been ready to attack if the person didn't smell so familiar and because of that she paid them no mind, instinctively knowing they weren't a threat.
For a brief, blissful moment, Bella was still stuck in that animalistic space in her brain that allowed no room for memories or understanding or conscious thought.
Then it all came rushing back. All of it.
"Alice!" she gasped and lurched to her feet.
Unfortunately, she was standing on a bed and her knees were weak. Thankfully when they buckled on the springy surface, someone was there to catch her.
"Whoa, easy there Bella," Carlisle said gently as she clutched at him, surprised by her uncooperative legs and the woozy sensation in her head.
Carlisle. It's just Carlisle. Where am I? Where is Alice? Where is everyone?
It smelled like Rosalie and Emmett and a quick glance around told her that she was in their room, a place she hadn't often been before.
"Carlisle," Bella said thickly as he lowered her down again. She sat awkwardly, clutching the aching spot at the base of her throat. Her voice was unusually raspy. "What happened? Where is Alice? Is she okay? Oh God, Edward is-He's gone isn't he? Who else-Please tell me no one else-"
Her panic was immediate, but Carlisle had always been good at calming people.
"Relax Bella. You have to calm down. Your body is still recovering. You used too much of your gift and Aro nearly tore out your throat. You almost died," Carlisle told her in that soothing doctor's voice.
He's not answering me!
Well, Carlisle was good, but not that good.
"I'm fine, Carlisle. Where is Alice?" Bella demanded, pushing away his hands when he tried to shine a light in her eyes and check her pupils.
That wasn't necessarily true. She hurt in a thousand different places, though the blood had made it more bearable.
But none of that mattered. Because Carlisle was hesitating, he wasn't answering her and that couldn't be good-
Oh god. It's not good. He's not answering me. Alice is-Oh god, no, please no. Not my Alice. She was on fire. She was burning. She was screaming like I've never ever heard her do and then she was just so silent, so quiet, like-like death.
Bella didn't get the chance to freak out because the door opened and in came a nervous Emmett.
"Is she up? We heard voices-Oh thank God, you're alive Bella!"
He was across the room in two quick strides and pulling her into his arms. His hug was firm but so gentle and careful. Bella embraced him back instinctively, the relief that one of her family was still okay soothing her alarm just enough for her to breathe again.
"We were so fucking scared we'd lost you too," Emmett whispered and kissed the side of her head before he pulled back to gaze at her like the anxious older brother he was.
"Too?" Bella whimpered out. "Too?"
Oh no… Who else? Who else did we lose?
Emmett paused and glanced at Carlisle, who was steadfastly staring out the window, not meeting his eyes.
"Emmett," Bella clenched her fingers on his shoulders forcefully. "Where's Alice?"
Like his father, Emmett hesitated and Bella felt it like a kick in the chest. He had just parted his lips to speak when Rosalie came hobbling into the room.
Okay. Now this was just getting ridiculous.
"God damn it Emmett, you know how hard it is for me to get up the stairs right now. Is she up? Please tell me-"
Rosalie froze at the sight of Bella as Emmett took a step back. Their eyes met for a split second and then Rosalie was limping as fast as she could across the room, throwing her arms around Bella's neck in that familiar aroma of sunshine.
"You're alive," Rosalie breathed and kissed the side of her head Emmett hadn't before she pulled back quickly, as if embarrassed by her unusual show of affection. Despite the situation, Bella blushed too. It was still Rosalie after all.
Bella must have given them quite a scare and wondered just how badly she'd been hurt, how long she'd been out but didn't get the chance to ask because she was more concerned over why Rosalie was limping like an old woman with arthritis.
"Yeah-Are you okay? Why are you limping?" Bella inquired despite her persistent desperation to know where the hell Alice was.
"I'm fine," Rosalie waved her off, uncharacteristically flustered due to relief that Bella was alive."Got my foot caught by Solomon and that fucker Mark took my leg off. I guess I shouldn't have tried to kick him but it's almost fully regrown and Emmett totally made them pay for it."
Rosalie gave her husband a fond look at this and he shrugged with a small grin.
"Nobody touches my wife's legs but me," he said proudly.
"I'm sorry I couldn't get your nose back baby. It's such a cute nose. Mark thought that was so funny. Bouncing around like an idiot yelling 'I got your nose, I got your nose!'" Rosalie rolled her eyes as Bella noticed the small, almost invisible line delicately sprawled across the bridge of Emmett's nose. It must have regrown just like Rosalie's leg and Bella tried not to think about parts of them regrowing because it made her kind of queasy.
"He didn't think it was so funny when I broke both his arms," Emmett scoffed and they shared smirks.
Bella was glad, unbelievably glad to see them both okay, but she really, really needed to see Alice.
"Hey Rosalie, where's Alice?" Bella asked quickly, breaking their lovey-dovey stare off.
Rosalie turned to her, blinking rapidly.
"You didn't tell her…?" Rosalie asked Carlisle, who was still staring determinedly out the window.
"Tell me what?" Bella demanded and stood up instantly, ignoring the way her knees shook with weakness. God, war really did a number on the body. At least they could regrow their limbs…
"No, I guess you didn't," Rosalie murmured as she and Emmett shared a look.
Oh my god, I am going to lose my shit.
"Didn't tell me what, Rosalie?" Bella barked.
Where is Alice? Why won't they just answer me!
Rosalie hesitated the same way the other two had and Bella almost freaked out right then and there. Rosalie must have sensed it because she started talking immediately.
"Bella-We um… We lost some people. Too many. When the Volturi got their gifts back, we barely stood a chance," Rosalie said, cutting Bella to the quick.
Of course we did. Who? Who did we lose?
She glanced at Carlisle, who's eyes were shining in the bright sunlight and caught her breath roughly.
Where's Esme…? And Jasper? And my Alice…
"Who?" Bella choked out, trying to keep it together, to not jump to conclusions. "Who?" she repeated forcefully when Rosalie hesitated for the umpteenth time.
Just tell me. For God's sake, just tell me. Not knowing is so much worse.
"Zafrina and her friend. The Irish. Marshall. Vladimir. Irena. Seth, Quil, Paul, and Leon."
Every name filled Bella's heart with more sorrow. These people had died for them, for this cause. They were all brave and strong and maybe not exactly kind but good where it counted. Embry had lost his best friends and the Eastern pack had lost a strong leader. She never wanted any of them to die at all.
But Rosalie was still goddamn hesitating and she must have seen Bella's growing fear and exasperation because she finally forced out the names Bella never, ever wanted to hear her say.
"We lost Edward. He died for Tanya. You saw that, I think… And we lost-We lost Esme, too."
Tears were burning her eyes instantly as Bella found it suddenly hard to breathe.
No…
She looked to Carlisle and saw that his eyes were shut so tightly it crinkled his eyelids and his forehead. His jaw was locked but trembling. She'd never seen him in so much pain.
"She… S-She…" Rosalie seemed to find it hard to speak and Bella couldn't blame her because her heart was in her stomach and she didn't know whether to reach for Carlisle, to try and comfort him when there really was no way to ever soothe such a loss.
"She saved me," Carlisle said for her, his voice breathless. His eyes opened and were a soft amber. "I turned my back on Solomon to help Jasper and she got in his way when he went for my neck. Holly froze her-And she was gone."
"I'm so sorry," Bella whispered, tears burning a path down her cheeks.
Esme… Sweet Esme…
Esme had been her stand in mother here in Forks, had loved Bella as one of her own so unabashedly and completely. She was beautiful and the kindest person Bella had ever met and she wasn't sure how the world would fare now with such a light gone out.
Let alone this family. Let alone Carlisle…
How could she really be gone? How could Bella have let it happen?
None of us were supposed to die here.
"Bella…"
Bella turned back to Rosalie at the sound of her voice and tensed at the look in her eyes. But it was Emmett who spoke up.
"Bella… Leah's gone, too."
Bella had to shut her eyes at the sudden wave of grief that hit her.
Not her too. Not Leah, too.
She couldn't process the pain of it. One right after the other she was losing these people. They broke apart in her heart like jagged shards of glass. All she could do was ask softly, "How?"
"She died trying to save Esme. She had just lost Seth and I think she couldn't stand to lose Esme, too. She always had a soft spot for her. When Solomon went for-Went for Esme, Leah went for Holly. She killed her. She killed a lot of them that tried to kill us, actually. She was always getting in the way of anyone who tried to catch us off guard and she took so many wounds she didn't need to for us…" Rosalie told her in a hushed voice.
Of course Leah did. Of course she would have. Would have died for people she never even liked all that much because that's just who she was. Would have given everything to protect someone else.
"They had to jump her. She was incredible," Rosalie went on with a small, impressed laugh that was more sad than anything. "They couldn't bring her down so Benjamin, the cheap little bastard, used his freaky powers and threw mud all over her face and into her eyes. Solomon and Mark got on her together-And we couldn't get them off of her in time."
You fool, Leah. Self sacrificing to death… I should have followed you. I should have fought with you. I could have done something, anything.
"We're sorry, Bella. Leah didn't deserve to die. She was unbelievably good to us and we should have been better to her," Carlisle said quietly.
They should have but it didn't matter now. Leah never really cared all that much anyway. She died for them anyway. Loved Esme and died for her anyway.
In vain.
"Nobody deserved to die here. Not Edward or Esme or Leah or any of us," Bella replied as she wiped her eyes furiously, trying to keep it together. Her voice was weak and it cracked.
How were they ever going to go on after losing so much? She wanted nothing more than to sit down, put her head in her hands, and disappear forever.
I lost her. I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. Fuck. Fuck!
"You're right," Carlisle agreed and they were all quiet for a moment, trying to absorb the blow of so many losses though it was impossible to do so at that point.
"Jasper's okay though. And so is Omi. You won't believe what's happened to her Bella," Rosalie said quickly to defuse the painful moment.
That was good. It was so, so good and she was relieved to hear it.
But they still hadn't answered her question.
"Where's Alice?" Bella asked to their nervous faces, as if they'd been expecting the question any second now. She rubbed absentmindedly at the throbbing spot above her collarbone.
Please. Please tell me she isn't… I can't. Not her. Not my Alice.
"Bella-"
"Just answer me god damn it! Where is she?" Bella burst out before she could stop herself, making Rosalie flinch slightly. "Tell me she's not-She's not-"
"She's not dead," Carlisle said quickly.
Bella's breath blew out of her in absolute relief.
If Alice had died, she didn't know what-
"Yet," Rosalie added.
And just like that all the fear and terror came surging back.
Carlisle and Emmett threw Rosalie withering looks but Rosalie didn't back down.
"What do you mean yet?" Bella's voice jumped up a harsh pitch.
"Bella…" Carlisle sighed and ran a hand through his slick blond hair.
Bella could feel her instincts rising, filling with a primal sense of panic that was nearing hysteria.
No. No, no, no, nonono.
"Carlisle. Where. Is. My. Mate?" Bella growled, her fists clenching tightly.
It was the first time she'd ever referred to Alice as her mate but it was so right because right then, that feeling bubbling up inside her was raw and awful, laced through her DNA, attuned to Alice, all Alice, needing her.
Bella needed to see Alice, needed to see her now, before she lost her actual mind and did-did-
She didn't even know what but it couldn't be good because she was freaking out.
"She's in her room," Emmett told her before Carlisle could even attempt to calm her down.
Her room.
Bella bolted. She was out of the room and sprinting down the hall with desperation and anxiety clawing at her the whole way. The door was cracked and she slammed it open. She staggered in due to the dizziness moving so quickly had caused-
And then she saw Alice.
Bella's heart hit the floor as she saw Alice lying on her bed, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling. She was as beautiful as always, except for the fact that the entire left side of her body was black.
Black as the night, black like tar. She was burned from head to toe. Her clothes melted into her porcelain skin on one side like they were a part of it, and she was splattered with mud nearly as black on the other. Her hair had been burned nearly to a crisp on one side. Her face was half untouched, but her left eye was covered in a thick, ashen color, covering the white. Her lips were cracked and small on one side. From her shoulder down to her slender fingers, her skin was cracked open just the same, ashy gray here and there, breaking the occasional endless ebony burn.
Alice was a black and white picture come to life, stuck in a world of color, like someone had sucked all the life out of her.
If Bella looked at just one side of her, she could pretend it hadn't happened. If she only stared at Alice's right side, she could pretend she was just fine, just resting peacefully in her bed. But she couldn't tear her eyes away from Alice's burned, broken side. Just couldn't look away, couldn't process her lovely, beautiful Alice was so hurt, so very very hurt.
How can she possibly live through this?
A keening sound of agony left Bella's mouth and she stumbled towards the bed, fell to her knees on sheets stained black on one side. She cupped the side of Alice's face that was pale and untouched by fire, let her trembling hands feel cool skin that was somehow icier than it ever had been before.
"No, no, no. Alice baby, look at me. Talk to me darling, please," Bella whispered to her lover, her hand shaking against Alice's cheek.
"She can't hear you Bella," Carlisle said as he entered the room, the shattered door creaking as he pushed it aside.
"You said she wasn't dead!" Bella yelled with terror as her heart suddenly went from the floor to her throat, choking her up.
Please God no…
"She's not," Carlisle replied quickly. "She's in a coma."
Bella shook her head, not understanding. Since when did vampires go unconscious, into comas? They didn't sleep, didn't doze off, couldn't be knocked out. They were either awake, or dead.
Not dead. He said she wasn't dead. Please tell me she's not fucking dead.
"It happens very rarely," Carlisle hurried to explain before Bella actually lost her mind. "When vampires experience extreme trauma, to the point where our recuperative system can't cope quickly enough, we enter a coma like state. It's like limbo. It freezes us on the precipice of death in hopes that our regenerative capabilities can catch up in time. It doesn't happen often because it's hard to harm us that badly with outright killing us. A badly snapped neck and fire are the only ways I am even aware of that we can enter this state."
"So she's going to be okay?" Bella whimpered anxiously, tentatively brushing her thumb over Alice's charred lips. A jolt went through her when she pulled her hand back and saw her digit smeared black with ashy residue.
Smeared with Alice.
Bella thought she might be sick.
"We… We don't know, Bella. Fire is the most dangerous thing in the world for a vampire; we're practically as flammable as paper. Alice has been burned, very, very badly. Benjamin's gift was strong. Alice managed to shield at least one side of her body, and you acted quickly enough to put it out before it could spread but…"
Oh god.
"But what?" Bella's said hoarsely, unable to tear her eyes away from Alice.
"But it's been nearly four days. With as much blood as we've given her, she should have already been showing some sign of recovery if she was going to make it. And if her system hasn't started showing signs of healing by some time this evening… No vampire has ever lived past three days in this state. No vampire has ever actually been recorded to recover after this amount of time…"
It was like being slapped by God himself.
No, no, NO!
"So she's going to die?" Bella gasped and lurched to her feet. "Carlisle-No! There's got to be something you can do!"
Like hell was Bella just going to sit back and watch Alice die! No way, no goddamn way was that happening!
"There's nothing I can do for her Bella. We have done all we can-"
"That's not good enough!" Bella snarled at the top of her voice. "You're telling me there's nothing we can do for her? That Alice is-Why didn't you just tell me she was dead? You gave me hope-And now you're saying she's basically already gone?"
Bella's voice was breaking even at its most guttural quality. She was in the midst of a growing panic attack because Alice, her beautiful Alice…
Was going to die.
The one person who was supposed to be untouched, who she was supposed to save at all costs. The one person Bella couldn't stand to lose…
"Bella, there is something you can do," Carlisle cut her off quickly and took a step towards her, which in Bella's state made her bare her fangs at him. "There is nothing left I can offer, but you can still help. Give her your blood."
Bella flinched back, fidgeting, her eyes already burning with tears.
My blood?
"We've seen what your blood does to her once. Maybe-Maybe it could be enough to save her where nothing else could," Carlisle said insistently, gesturing to Alice's burned, broken form.
My blood.
Of course! Her blood! What she had begged Alice to take before the fight even began because she thought it could save her, give her a better chance to survive!
Bella whipped around and sank her teeth into her own wrist without hesitation. With a whine of pain, she snagged her fangs and tugged, opening it up with a tang of raspberry flashing on her tongue.
"Bella, be careful-" Carlisle cautioned but Bella paid him no mind because she was so hellbent on keeping Alice alive, and who gave a damn if she opened a major vein? Aro had practically pulled her throat out anyway and no way was her wrist as bad as Alice's burns.
She lunged for her lover and as carefully as she could in her rush, lowered her wrist to her mouth. With the fingers of her other hand she parted Alice's lips and let the stream of her thick, dark blood pour into her mouth.
Please, Bella thought desperately. Please Alice, please. Just live. Drink and live. Take all of me if it means you're going to be okay. Don't die on me, baby, please don't die on me…
How many times had Alice tried to give her life for Bella? How many times had she faced death to save her? This would never be enough. Bella could never give her enough to repay that. And when she was finally given the strength and power to protect her, she failed.
Please just live. Just live, Alice. LIVE!
"Please," Bella whispered as Carlisle came over and massaged Alice's throat gently, helping to make her unmoving muscles swallow. "Please baby please, don't leave me. I'm so sorry. I should have kept you safe. I love you so much Alice, please don't die. I can't do this without you."
Bella's wrist throbbed but the wound stayed open, an endless stream of her life pouring down
Alice's throat. She squeezed beneath the bite, urging it on faster, faster.
Save Alice. Save her, please. Please…
Nothing happened and Bella began to panic all over again. She was starting to get woozy after a long couple of minutes of this when Carlisle finally placed a hand on her arm.
"That's enough, Bella-"
"No!" Bella snarled at him and shoved him away, kept her wrist pressed tightly to Alice's mouth. "I'm fine-She needs it. Nothing's happening, she needs more, I don't need it Carlisle-"
"Bella, you're already weak as it is and you've given her plenty," Carlisle said gently. "It's going to take time, you've given her more than enough-"
"You don't know that!" Bella screamed in a way she had never screamed at anyone before. Her heart was hammering and she felt nauseous and her emotions were becoming a storm that couldn't be stopped because Alice wasn't reacting, she was still laying there hurt and burnt and broken, like she was a corpse already, already gone and oh Christ she couldn't breathe.
"Bella," Carlisle said firmly as Bella swayed back, the energy to freak out going out of her with every drop of blood that dripped past Alice's black and white lips. Using her gift the way she had before had taken something out of her, something that hadn't had the chance to fully recover yet. Her throat still felt ripped somehow from Aro's assault and it made breathing even harder.
Carlisle pulled her away and Bella didn't have the strength to resist even when everything inside her screamed to do so. He ripped the sheets and looped the scraps around her wrist tightly, stemming the flow of blood almost immediately. Her skin wasn't sealing up as quickly as it should have.
"I want to stay with her," Bella breathed, clutching at him, dizzy and unable to stand unassisted. "I have to stay with her Carlisle."
"Okay, Bella, okay. You can stay with her, just come sit down," Carlisle murmured as he led her to the cushy armchair next to the bed. Bella sank down into it but she couldn't let go of Carlisle, her arms thrown around his neck, clinging to him.
She remembered the subtle twitch of a finger. She remembered the sound of Alice's screams, so filled with pain. She remembered the smell of fire and burnt flesh on the rainy air, the cold mud smothering them into oblivion. The oppressive sound of Alice's utter silence when she'd been shrieking at the top of her lungs only a second before.
Silence that persisted even now.
What have I done?
"It's my fault Carlisle. I'm so sorry," Bella gasped as the tears rushed out of her eyes all over again. "I'm so s-sorry, I should have saved her, I should have stopped them from hurting Edward and LLeah and Esme and I'm so fucking sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't stop them, I c-can't do it, I can't do this, I'm so sorry!"
Bella fell apart completely and totally in Carlisle's arms. She sobbed but Carlisle didn't move away, just held her tightly.
"It's not your fault Bella, shh, shh," Carlisle murmured soothingly. His voice sounded vaguely watery. "It's not your fault, you did so well. You are so young, too young for these burdens…"
"I saw his finger twitching. I saw it Carlisle, I saw Benjamin move but I didn't think-I didn't think enough about it, I was so caught up, I didn't stop him, I should have known he wasn't dead. I could have saved her!"
Carlisle's hug was suddenly impossible tight, pulling her close. She had never been this close to Carlisle but he was truly a father at heart, and more like Alice than she'd ever known.
It only made it hurt worse.
"No, Bella. We all believe we could have done something more to save the ones we loved. I want to blame myself for Es-Esme's death but I can't. We can't because we'll never be able to go on if we do. You did so much more than we could have ever asked for and I will not let you blame yourself for this."
No, it wasn't her fault, but Bella still felt a crushing guilt smothering her.
My Alice, my Alice, I'm going to lose you. Don't die on me Alice, please. I'm so sorry.
Carlisle spoke of going on, but how could the world even turn without Alice? How could the moon shine, the sun glow, the universe keep moving if Alice's light went out? She had never needed or loved someone so much as she did with Alice. The pain of it was crippling.
"How can you stand it Carlisle? How can you stand living without-Without-"
It would have been insensitive to ask if she hadn't been so fucking scared. As it was she couldn't finish the question but Carlisle still answered her, as hard as it must have been for him.
"Because I must," he whispered. "Because she would want-Would want me to. For our children. For her, and for m-myself too. We decided that long ago, as hard as it will be. I won't lie to you; it hurts as nothing I have ever felt hurts. Worse than the change ever could even hope to touch. I don't think it will ever stop and even now I… I don't know how I'm even still breathing without her here. If it weren't for you and the others I don't know if I could. But-But we must go on… Somehow."
Bella didn't agree, not a damn bit. Carlisle may have been strong enough to survive losing his mate, but Bella didn't think she could be.
"She's going to die, Carlisle. I'm going to lose her. I can't do this without Alice, I can't. I need her Carlisle, I love her so much," Bella choked out but he pulled back and stared at her with a fierce look she'd never seen on him before.
"She's not dead yet Bella. You are a magnificent girl as you have proven time and time again. Your blood may still save her," Carlisle said forcefully.
"When will we know?" Bella whimpered desperately.
I can't bear waiting. I can't.
Carlisle sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He glanced out the window, judging the skyline.
"I can't say for sure. But I think if she hasn't shown at least marginal improvement by the time the sun goes down…"
Then she's dead, Bella thought, swallowing hard. Then Alice is dead. And I've lost her for real.
"I'm going to go find you another deer. You need to feed again after giving so much of your blood," Carlisle said softly after a long, tense moment. "Just stay here with Alice, okay Bella? I'll be back soon and Rosalie and Emmett will watch out for you while I'm gone…"
Bella hardly heard him. She had only blurry eyes for Alice. When he left the room she barely noticed. She just stared at Alice from the chair while the ceiling fan beat an insistent rhythm in the air above her.
How can she survive this? How could I have let this happen to her? She slipped right through my fingers. She was right next to me and she still-She's still-How could it have happened? How can my Alice be so close to death?
What if… What if she's already gone?
Bella's nausea returned and she put her head in her hands, the tears leaking out between her fingers in a crushing, thick silence. Time felt heavy, slow, like sludge. Like this pain and fear for Alice would last forever.
Like nothing would ever be okay again if Alice didn't wake up.
It was never supposed to be Alice. Never my Alice.
Rosalie and Emmett came in and spoke to her but she couldn't hear them, didn't answer, and they just stayed with her, hovering around her protectively. Their voices were faint murmurs but instead of being soothing as they clearly intended, Bella heard it like angry bees in her ears, accusing her for everyone she hadn't been able to save.
Edward. Leah. Esme. All of them.
Alice.
She was trembling all over by the time Carlisle returned with another deer. The sun continued to sink ever lower and it was only with great effort and an inability to resist instinct that Bella sank her fangs into the animal and drained it dry. It stopped the shaking and was a balm to her burning throat, the ache in her bones.
But her soul was untouchable, her heart unreachable. The Cullens gave up on trying to talk to her as Bella continued to stare at Alice, willing her with all she had to stir, to give a faux breath, to wake up and live.
She wanted to sink through Alice's skin, soothe what made her hurt, heal what harmed her, cleanse the burn from her. Bella would have given everything, every cell she had to replace what Alice had lost.
Jasper came in at one point. He only stood in the door frame and watched them, but his words pierced Bella's fearful haze.
"It's your fault, you know," he told her in that southern drawl, his voice emotionless.
"Jasper!" Carlisle barked when Bella turned wide, burning eyes on him.
"I never let any harm come to her in all these years. It took you only one to put her on her deathbed. You may have taken her but she should have stayed mine. I hope you're happy," Jasper said ruthlessly.
"Dude, fuck off!" Emmett snarled at him as Carlisle stalked toward him and muttered fiercely at him to leave. He obeyed but not without one last scowl in Bella's direction.
Bella felt the strength go out of her, like he'd punched her in the chest with a ten pound block of iron in his fist. No part of her wanted to get up and leap for his throat like she should have; she wanted to sink through the floor because she agreed with him.
"Don't listen to him Bella, he's just upset. We all are," Rosalie consoled her with a gentle hand on her shoulder.
He's right. I killed her. I've killed Alice. I couldn't protect her. I should have stopped Benjamin. I should have stayed far, far away from her, not right next to her. I'm a plague, fucking cancer. All their lives, all I touched turned to shit.
Bella fell further into despair but she still kept her eyes on Alice, her hands beginning to tremble again. The room once again fell into suffocating silence and stayed that way for a long, long while.
The clock continued ticking persistently, uncaring. The sun sank slowly and daylight began to fade. Bella's hope, her desperate little flame of hope began to flicker.
She felt a spasm of fear when she realized how gray the light was getting, when she saw how anxious the Cullens looked around her. And she realized something.
It's not enough. My blood's not enough, she's going to die. She's going to fucking die!
"Carlisle," Bella said hoarsely, going to her feet when the clock ticked to 5:00 p.m.
"Bella," Carlisle reached for her with that look, that terrifying look that Bella couldn't stand for even a second, the sympathetic I'm so sorry, she's gone look.
No.
NO!
"I don't think she's going to make it," Carlisle murmured. Rosalie gave a sob, Emmett swore and
Bella snarled at him, her insides flaring.
She has to. She has to live. Alice can't die.
She can't.
"Give it more time!" Bella yelled, looking to Rosalie and Emmett for support, but they looked away with pain in their shiny eyes and her heart jumped wildly.
"There is no time left, Bella," Carlisle cajoled in that goddamn doctor's voice of his, like she was another patient for him to break the bad news to.
"She's not dead yet!" Bella bellowed like an animal and shoved his hand away from her. "She's not - She can't -"
Their faces ripped her up inside and Bella's familiar defense mechanism kicked in. Denial. It couldn't have happened, Alice wasn't dead, she wasn't!
Acting on pure instinct, she whirled and leaped for her lover, tore her wrist open again and pressed it to Alice's mouth.
"She just needs more," Bella gasped, ignoring the pain, the stream of blood from her wrist. "She can't die, Carlisle, she can't!"
Nothing happened. Her life poured into Alice and disappeared. They didn't stop her, not for a long moment. Maybe they, too, hoped a little more would be enough to save her.
"Please," Bella sobbed. "Alice, please, wake up baby, wake up. I'm so sorry, please don't die, I'm so sorry…"
Finally Carlisle understood it wasn't going to work.
"She's gone, Bella," Carlisle breathed as he approached her. His voice cracked, too. "You have to stop Bella, she's gone."
"NO!"
She swung at him but with Emmett's help they pried her away from Alice's still form with blood smeared across her mouth and chin, coloring red against her black and white face.
Even marred and in death she was beautiful. Beautiful and perfect and everything in the world to Bella-
And gone.
There was a beat in which Bella could only stare, frozen, petrified, disbelieving, still holding onto that flickering flame of hope that Alice would move, would come alive again. But Alice didn't move, just lay totally and utterly still, unaffected, far, far away. Too much time had passed. She should have been affected in some way, somehow if she was going to make it through this.
Just like that, the flame snuffed out between two unseen fingers and Bella shattered inside.
With a snarl she ripped free of Carlisle and Emmett, took off out of the room because she couldn't stand the sight of Alice, the feel of her body in the room but her soul gone on somewhere Bella couldn't follow.
She tore down the hallway, leaped down the stairs, crashed out the front door and into the front yard where she staggered and fell to her hands and knees, breathless, dizzy and broken.
Alice. Alice, Alice, Alice. Please, no, not my Alice.
"Alice," Bella whimpered, her throat searing as if she'd swallowed hot oil.
She couldn't process it, couldn't comprehend. She had fallen so very far for Alice, loved her in ways primal and soulful and deep, a connection nearly unexplainable in how far it ran into her very DNA.
How could Alice have died? How could that beautiful, lovely girl have died?
It ripped through Bella like a bolt of lightning, like a shotgun blast point blank. She let out a cry of agony, of pure pain. She'd have endured Jane's gift amplified by Omi a million times if it meant she didn't have to feel this loss.
Her vocalization was loud, pierced the air, echoed in the woods around the Cullen home.
Alice, my Alice.
She's gone.
But she had forgotten quite completely what Alice's favorite thing to do was.
There came the sound of shattering glass as Bella whipped around on the ground, eyes wide. Glass fell like twinkling snowflakes as the window of Alice's room blew apart and a form came sailing through it. The figure crashed unceremoniously to the ground a few feet away from her.
Bella froze, her fingers clenching the grass, her mind struck dumb.
The figure stirred, squirmed, gave a soft raspy moan. Slowly, it rose up on one pale hand and knee, then glared right into Bella's eyes.
"Alice," Bella breathed, stunned.
Alice's eyes were a piercing, electric blue.
And as always, her favorite thing to do was to show up at the last possible second.
Without warning, Alice flung herself across the yard, pouncing like a wild animal. Bella couldn't even think to move, just caught Alice up in her arms and let out a yelp of pain when Alice sank two long fangs deep into the side of her throat.
It hurt like hell but Bella's heart was soaring like that time Alice had kissed her in the rain.
She's alive. She's alive!
Alice pulled on her veins but Bella only clung to her, holding her close with a cry of delight. Emmett and Carlisle came sprinting out of the house and when they saw what was happening, immediately tried to pull Alice away from her.
But Bella snarled them away furiously, cradled Alice's head protectively in the crook of her neck. They stopped and watched in a curious mix of anxiety and excitement that Alice was alive.
And so what if she was using Bella like her own personal juice box. So what if Bella's neck was going numb with a pleasant tingling feeling. So what if she was getting dizzy and Alice had just thrown herself out of a second story window in this state.
She was alive.
Alice could have it all. Every last drop of blood in Bella's veins if it meant she would continue to live.
But as it turned out, she -thankfully— didn't need it all. With a gasp, Alice finally pulled back, heaved for a breath she didn't need (Or maybe she did? Who the hell knew at this point?) as Bella stared dizzily up at her, giddy, shocked, overjoyed.
"Alice," she whimpered.
"Bella!" Alice cried, blinking rapidly. The sound of her voice was a god send, angels singing, bells ringing-oh fuck it, it was perfect. She grabbed Bella's face in her hands, bewilderment all over her face and overwhelming concern for Bella overriding anything else.
"You're alive," Bella sobbed, unable to even believe it, half believing she was dreaming, hallucinating from blood loss.
But when Alice swooped down and kissed her, tasting ash and raspberry and peppermint she knew that feeling in her heart was all too real.
When Alice pulled back and spoke in a reverent whisper, Bella knew it was true.
"I'm alive."