Sekhmet: No Angel Fun Facts today. Unfortunately Matariel didn't have his own section on Wikipedia.
Susano-o: The most forgettable of the angels for a reason.
Sekhmet: Unfortunately yes. And if you time it just right, you can sync up Cuban Pete with the Angel dying. At least that was my intent, I thought it was funny and it's not like we have a big dance number to use it on anyway. As we all know, Evangelion doesn't lend itself too well to nonsensical comedy.
Susano-o: Except for the fact this is the Meme chapter with everyone singing their favorite songs.
Sekhmet: Well, era appropriate songs anyway. We agreed a long time ago that if any major industry survived Second Impact, it would be entertainment. Bread and Circuses after all.
Susano-o: And the image of Rei being an unintentional/intentional memelord is hilarious.
Sekhmet: Yes, her monotone lends itself to a surprising amount of comedy.
Susano-o: She is the driest of dry wit. Like sandpaper in a desert.
Sekhmet: Alright then, here we go!
Chapter 12: The Ninth Angel, Matariel
"According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible." Rei recited in front of the class.
"Ok, but what does that have to do with the history of the shortbread cookie?" Adelise asked.
"Nothing, Friend Isabelle told me to repeat it for the quote lulz unquote," Rei repeated with little finger quotes as well.
"You really gotta stop telling Rei to say shit. Some of it sounds scary coming out of her." Mary sighed.
"It's funny when Blue says things," Isabelle giggled. "Blue repeat the Pawn Stars one again."
"Greetings; my given name is Richard Harrison and the facility we have entered is a retail establishment that specializes in unredeemed goods, which is the legal property of yours truly. I currently employ my paternal parental unit, alias, "Elderly Male," and the offspring of oneself, whose given name is Corey Harrison, yet has assumed the identity, "Large Hoss." Each individual item currently possessed by my fine retail establishment beholds a lengthy narrative and of course, this being a legal retail establishment, can be acquired for reasonable compensation. I have been the legal facilitator of this established haberdashery since the year MCMXCV, and in those XXI years, I have been gradually informed that; thy shall, at no time in the past, future, or present, be aware of by means of observation or inquiry, any details whatsoever of the material goods that will proceed past the aperture of my structure where goods are acquired and distributed simultaneously," Rei repeated in a rapid pace that left Isabelle holding her sides in laughter.
"Isabelle, that's not as funny as you think it is." Asuka said.
"Yes it is," Mari said giggling behind her hand.
"Do not-do not agree with her in front of me." Asuka hissed.
"Or what Queenie," Mari smirked.
"Guys, shhh, class is gonna end soon, we gotta pretend we were paying attention." Shinji warned.
"He's been talking about the 2nd Impact for the last 2 hours, he's gone," Mari reasoned.
"Sometimes I wonder why we even bother coming if it's the same lesson over and over." Asuka grumbled.
"Because it's the right thing to do." Shinji answered.
"It is nice to hear about ze world before," Adelise said with a sigh. "Paris was so beautiful, it is a shame what it has become."
"Yeah. Half of America is flooded and our most populated state has miraculously become Wyoming." Mary added.
"Australia is a barren outland of dangerous animals and small settlements," Isabelle added.
"...So what changed?" Mari asked sending the class into laughter and forcing Hikari to try and get them back on task.
…
"Gimme the beat boys! And free my soul! I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away!" Isabelle scream-sang as the group walked to NERV for another day of testing.
"Mein Sohn, nur Mut! Wer Gott vertraut, baut gut! Jetzt auf! In Bergen und Klüften Tobt morgen der freudige Krieg! Das Wild in Fluren und Triften, Der Aar in Wolken und Lüften Ist unser, und unser der Sieg! Und unser der Sieg! Und unser der Sieg!" Asuka sang beautifully.
"Sur ses lèvres, moi, j'avais déposé
Le plus doux des plus doux baisers
Sur ses lèvres, moi, d'une gifle elle m'a tuée
Croyant que je voulais la piquer!" Adelise sang happily.
"Yurusu gisei demo dare no sei? Ochido wa nakuse saenai "nou" Awarenasei? hataraku chisei? Nani mo…" Shinji hummed to himself.
Skulls are smashed and bones are bending! Joints are popping, our claws are rending
Groveling, sniveling, driveling horde To worship scaly overlord! Apocalypse becomes creation Gor-Gor shall erase the nation! Before you jump into his gizzard! Fall and worship tyrant lizard! Gor-Gor comes and you must die! He swats the stealth down from the sky! Admit you crave the gift he brings you! Fall and worship tyrant king you, Gor-Gor!" Mari roared headbanging to her own beat hard enough to flip her braids around.
"With the taste of your lips I'm on a ride You're toxic I'm slippin' under With a taste of a poison paradise I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic? And I love what you do Don't you know that you're toxic?" Mary sang, shredding along with the violin despite not knowing how to play.
The six turned expectedly to Rei, who looked at them in confusion before opening her mouth. "When I was a young boy. My father took me into the city. To see a marching band. He said, "Son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned?" He said, "Will you defeat them, your demons and all the non-believers? The plans that they have made? Because one day, I'll leave you, a phantom to lead you in the summer, to join the black parade."
Everyone stared at Rei, either scared by the fact she was so good at singing, or the fact she even knew who My Chemical Romance was.
"Umm, I think Blue wins," Isabelle said confused.
"Did you swallow Gerald Way, because I think that's cheating." Asuka said.
"I did not Friend Asuka," Rei answered. "I simply have perfect pitch."
"Then the game was rigged from the start." Mary said, tipping an invisible hat.
"Bull!" Asuka shouted annoyed putting her hands on her hips. "Curse you Wondergirl for pandering to our inner Emos!"
"Wouldn't it be more that she has perfect pitch?" Adelise asked.
"No she just pandered to our Emo," Asuka pouted.
"Guys, we're here." Shinji said, motioning to the scan doors.
"Alright, me first!" Asuka said, pushing past Shinji and swiping her card. Nothing happened. Confused, she swiped the card at least three more times with the same result. "What's the matter with this thing!"
"Maybe you're not doing it right?" Shinji suggested.
"How can I be doing it wrong, it's a swipe card!" Asuka growled. "The stupid door must be broken!"
"Let me try Queenie," Mari said pushing forward to swipe her card, and got no response. "Nope, nothing," She said shrugging.
Mary tried her card on a different door. "This one's out too."
"So is this one." Adelise said from a door further down.
Rei set her bag down and rooted around till she pulled out a small NERV handbook and started reading it while Auska and Shinji debated what to do next.
"What does it say Blue?" Isabelle asked looking over her shoulder.
"Friend Isabelle, you should have your own copy of the Standard NERV Operations Book for Unforeseen Accidents and Emergencies," Rei noted as she thumbed through the book.
"You think the power's out?" Mary asked, trying to drum up a reason for the weirdness.
"That is exactly what is happening Friend Mary," Rei answered. "Friend Adelise could you please break up Friends Shinji and Asuka, we must get moving if we are to make it to NERV on time," She said before turning and walking down the street.
"Alright you two, we've got a new way to go." Adelise chimed.
"Where are we going now?" Asuka grumbled.
"We will take one of the emergency tunnels to NERV headquarters," Rei explained as she made a sharp left turn. "From there we will meet with Captain Katsuragi and receive our new orders."
"Alright," Isabelle answered looking around at the dead city, it was like when an angel attack was happening, only everyone was standing around in confusion rather than running around in a panic.
"Well let's go then. The sooner we get there, the sooner something interesting happens." Asuka huffed.
…
.
"Are you sure we're going the right way? It's involved a lot of air vents." Shinji asked.
"Yes," Rei said crawling around another corner. "We are now passing through the first layer of armor, and will reach the second in five minutes," She explained before looking back over her shoulder. "Friend Isabelle are you ok back there?" She said in a slightly louder voice.
"Imma make a necklace out of the teeth of the bloody pikers that built this got dam tunnel!" Isabelle screamed from the back of the line.
"I think you would need to make multiple pieces of jewelry with that many teeth." Adelise said, missing the point entirely.
"If it's any solace, the vents are big enough so we could turn around if needed." Mary said.
"It's not!" Isabelle shouted back. "Bloody bogans, gonna SLAM MY FUCKING LADYBONER SO FAR DOWN THEIR GODDAMN THROATS THEY'LL FEEL IT POKING OUT THEIR ARSEHOLE!"
"Would you stop shouting about such perverted things?! And no one better be looking up my skirt!" Asuka barked.
"I am~!" Mari sing-songed as she nuzzled her face against Asuka's thigh.
"Get off!" Asuka shrieked, trying to kick Mari's face.
"Ok~," Mari giggled reaching down towards her own skirt. "Gonna be hard while crawling but I can try."
"No! You're such a pervert!" Asuka shrieked again, still trying to kick her away.
"I don't want to see you bugger yourself off!" Isabelle shouted.
"Please stop Madame Mari," Adelise asked.
"Alright frenchie," Mari said rolling her eyes.
"If you all don't stop screaming I'm gonna start daydreaming." Mary said. She was already starting to fade out of reality.
"Everyone shut up!" Asuka yelled, and everyone finally did.
"...Please climb down the ladder," Rei said pointing to the air shaft they had encountered.
...
"How many layers down are we now?" Shinji asked. The air was starting to get hot and stifling around them.
"We are almost at the edge of the geofront," Rei explained. "From there we just follow the maintenance tunnels until we either get to NERV or encounter someone to take us there."
"It feels good to not be crouching anymore." Adelise remarked, stretching out her limbs.
"Yeah," Isabelle grumbled with her eyes closed as she relished the fact she could stretch out her arms and not hit the walls and ceiling again.
"Well then," Mari said clapping her hands. "Let's run this train already!"
"I wish you wouldn't phrase it like that." Asuka sighed in annoyance.
"I know what I said," Mari cat smirked back.
"Come on! let's get a move on," Isabelle ordered. "Blue give us some walking music!"
Rei waited for a second before responded. "I heard someone singing a new song a few days ago in the other classroom after class."
"Oh? Let's hear it then." Mary said.
"All the other kids with the pumped up kicks you'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
all the other kids with the pumped up kicks you'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet," Rei started singing as she walked down the maintenance tunnel, much to everyone's collective horror.
"...I'm gonna tell her." Mary said.
"No," Isabelle said grabbing her shoulder. "We must preserve as much of Blue's innocence as possible."
"Yeah, just let her be. She'll find out when she's older." Shinji agreed, putting his hand in her other shoulder. The contact earned a small but easily repressed blush from Mary, and she let it be.
…..
"Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me! I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed!" Isabelle shout sang.
"She was looking kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead," Mari continued making the loser genture with a smirk.
"Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming! Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running! Didn't make sense not to live for fun! Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb!" Adelise sang giggling like a loon.
"So much to do so much to see, so what's wrong with takin the back street. You never know if you don't go, you never shine if you don't glow." Mary continued.
Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play, hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid, and all that glitters is gold. Only shooting stars break the mold," Rei finished.
"We've been walking so long we've devolved to meme songs," Asuka moaned rubbing her eyes with her hands. "Thank you Shinji for at least remaining sane."
"It's a cool place, and they say it gets colder. If you're bundled up now wait till you get older, but the media men beg to differ judging by the hole in the satellite picture." Shinji sang, right in her face.
Asuka screamed and grabbed at her head as the rest of the group started going crazy behind Shinji, whooping and shaking him and grabbing their heads in mock astonishment while he stood there looked smug as shit.
"Shut it!" Asuka screamed, but was quickly drowned out by Rei and Isabelle's airhorns.
"Friend Isabelle you were right, these were a good investment," Rei said blowing the horn again.
"I hear something!" Another voice called down the tunnel. "Hey who's there!?"
"Salvation!" Asuka shouted to the heavens running to the maintenance crewman that just appeared.
….
"Ok so you guys know the plan?" Misato asked as the Eva's crawled through the shaft towards the Angel.
"Yes," Asuka growled. "Let's just finish this before the memelords start another song."
"Don't tempt them, there's some nasty ones in there." Mary warned.
"You're walking in the woods, There's no one around and your phone is dead, Out of the corner of your eye you spot him: Shia LaBeouf." Adelise sang giggling.
"I will eat you!" Asuka screamed.
"Eating all the bodies! Actual cannibal Asuka Langley Soryu!" Mari sniggered. Asuka screamed.
"Told you." Mary said.
"But you can do Jis Jitsu! Body slam superstar Asuka Langley Soryu! Legendary fight with Asuka Langley Soryu! Normal Tuesday night for Asuka Langley Soryu! You try to swing an axe at Asuka Langley Soryu! But blood is draining fast from your stump leg!" Isabelle, Shinji, and Rei sang as Asuka screamed at them even more till Misato shouted at them they had reached the right entrance.
"Guys, we got acid!" Mary yelled, looking at the small droplets of vomit colored acid dripping down the shaft.
"Most unsanitary," Adelise said with a small eww sound.
"So how should we do this?" Isabelle asked. "Cause I don't think I can ricochet a bullet that far up the shaft."
"Easy. We split up into two groups, offense and defense. Offense shoots at the Angel while Defense protects Offense from the acid and nullifies it's AT Field." Asuka explained. "Sound good?" There was a collective agreement just as their backup batteries ran dry.
"Oh piss crunch time people!" Isabelle shouted chambering a sniper round. "I'll get the field down."
"I can take a hit, I'm on defense." Mary said, getting ready to jump.
"Ze dead do not need to fear acid! I will also take defense!" Adelise chimed in getting beside Mary.
"I guess I'm with you two then," Mari said no
"I will join friend Isabelle in the disabling of the AT field," Rei added.
"I guess we're taking the shots then." Shinji said, raising his rifle.
"Right. On my mark, we go!" Asuka said. "...Now!"
Mary, Mari, and Adelise jumped into the shaft and braced themselves, Rei and Isabelle jumped over them as the Angel was distracted with the three stationary Eva's to start climbing up the shaft. It poured its vomit acid down the shaft from one of its many eyes, soaking the EVAs in what felt like battery acid.
"They call me Cuban Pete! I'm the king of the rumba beat, when I play my maracas I go chick chicky boom chick chicky boom." Mary sang, trying to distract herself from the pain. "Is the Field down yet?"
"Yeah!" Isabelle shouted as her and Rei hugged the sides of the shaft close enough that their overlapping fields cancelled out the Angels.
"Friends Shinji and Asuka, when Friends Adelise, Mari, and Mary are out of the way, you are clear to take your shots," Rei confirmed.
"Out of the way then!" Asuka said. The three slid out of the way. "Now fire!"
Two short bursts tore through the shaft and the Angel just as Mary was finishing up the verse, causing the Angel to collapse on beat with the song.
"Good job Red, glad you won't be eating anymore people today," Isabelle giggled as now harmless acid washed over them. Just as their collective batteries gave out and they fell into a pile at the bottom of the shaft.
"Why. Does. This. Keep. Happening!?" Asuka shouted over the lines.
"The universe seems to think we belong in a big pile together," Adelise quipped.
"I would have said bad resource management honestly." Mary said.
"Well I certainly don't mind it~" Mari said laughing.
"It is pretty comfy," Isabelle said softly. "You guys do make good sleeping mates."
"Uh, right. Anyway, nice plan Asuka." Shinji said.
"Oooh! Can we have another sleepover?" Adelise asked.
"I'll go down for it," Mari agreed.
"Sounds great." Mary agreed.
"I would also like to participate," Rei said.
"Well if they're in then I'm definitely in!" Isabelle whooped.
"I don't know…" Shinji muttered.
"Yeah, you guys have been super mean today, I'm not sure I'm on board." Asuka agreed.
A massive amount of begging, pleading, apologizing, and bribing then started, and continued as they were being hauled out and showering off till finally Shinji agreed to go. Asuka with some fake reluctance agreed to provided Shinji made desert.
"Hey you know what we should do?" Mary asked.
"What?" Shinji answered.
"We could teach Rei how to cook. I mean, cooking is easy, and I bet she's not nearly as bad as she thinks. "
Shinji smiled. "O-ok, yeah, what could possibly go wrong?"