Chapter Two: Amazon
January 2015
Fr: Joshua Lyman (Pumpkin Patch)
To: Donnatella (Blue Eyes + Heart Emoji + Stoplight Emoji)
9:22am
J: DONNNNNNA! (Yelling Emoji)
D: . . . (iPhone bubbles stop)
D . . . (iPhone bubbles start again, then stop)
J: DONNNNNA!
D: Are you bellowing via text, Joshua?
J: Ummm, no?
D: No?
J: Okay yes, yes I'm bellowing. But, I was going for nostalgia, ya know like we used to do when you were my assistant. (Smiley Face Emoji and Smiley Heart Emoji)
D: WE? What do you mean we? I NEVER bellowed.
J: Okay fine, like I used to do.
D: Much better (Wink Emoji)
D: So how are you doing at home?
J: Uhh okay I guess. It's weird not going to the White House.
D: That's understandable. It's a new chapter for you Josh.
J: For us, Donna. For us. Mrs. ThinkTank-Lyman. I'm gonna start calling you that now.
D: No more Blue Eyes? (Pout Emoji)
J: No, I will still call you that too, and ya know your other nicknames . . . (Wink Emoji)
D: Okay (Pumpkin Emoji) Patch. So what can I do for you?
J: I need the Amazon password again.
D: DCoS99CoS07! Are you shopping while working?
J: Umm no. I uhh haven't started working yet.
D: My workaholic husband hasn't started working yet?
J: I have a little more free time on my hands these days writing opinion pieces. I have plenty of time to get it done. (Shrug Emoji)
D: Are you bored? Because if you're bored you could clean the garage? Maybe? Please? It's a mess.
J: That's a hard no. I have to work.
D: Pumpkin Patch, you just said you were bored.
J: I'm gonna make the kids help me . . .
D: Fine, we can do it together this weekend. It's supposed to be nice out.
J: Ah-kay. I'll let you get back to work. I love you Mrs. Lyman, see you tonight. (Heart Emoji)
D: I love you too Mr Lyman. Get some work done (domestic or otherwise) (Stoplight Emoji)
11:37am
D: JOSHUA . . .
J Mmm?
D: WHY did I just get a notification from Amazon for a bunch of cooking gadgets and doodads with a grand total of $1300.00?! (Red Face Emoji)
J: Umm, you got that?
D: Yes Josh, I got that. We share an account. Looks like we will be the proud owner of a Weber Grill as of tomorrow . . .
J: Don't you just love Amazon Prime!? 1-2 day delivery!
D: Josh, you don't grill.
J: I will, now that I have my fancy grill. I cook now, Donnatella. I'm a master chef. I need all these items.
D: While I appreciate your effort to make dinner a few nights a week for our family, ready-to-go stove top dinner kits do not constitute a master chef designation. With that being said, you don't need a Phantom Series Chef Knife or a Non-Stick Chef's Pan.
J: Sure I do!
D: No, you just like that the knife is called a "Phantom" Chef Knife. You just want to brag about it to Sam.
J: Well all of Sam's appliances have cool names!
D: And why did you buy another apron? The kids made you one already a few years ago for Father's Day.
J: Because I needed a matching chef's hat! They came together as a set (Smiley Face with Sunglasses Emoji)
D: So then why didn't you just buy a chef's hat? And do you even need a chef's hat?
J: YES, I NEED a chef's hat Donna. I can't call myself a Master Chef without the hat.
D: Okay fine. But why did you buy another apron? Why not just buy the hat separately?
J: Because Noah and Sophie decorated my chef apron before Bonus Baby was born. We need an apron with his prints on there too . . . (Baby Emoji)
D: Okay, that's really sweet Josh. Noah and Sophie will love helping Leo make his little hand prints. So go ahead and get some washable tempera paints.
J: Already purchased! (Thumbs Up Emoji)
D: My man. Always thinking ahead. Okay with that being said, you can keep everything we just mentioned above, but cancel everything else.
J: WHAT? Donna?!
D: It's a waste of money, Josh.
J: After all these years, you still have that "I'm a girl on a budget" mentality. It's been years since you've worn a dress with tags and then returned it. Come on, you know we don't have to worry about money.
D: That's not the point Josh.
J: Then what's the point Donna?
D: We already have a mixer, blender, and crock pot.
J: Yeah okay, but we don't have the top of the line like Sam's . . ."
D: Josh you don't need those.
J: But Sam has them.
D: Is Sam getting a new grill?
J: Oh! I didn't think of that.
D: See? You can have the cool grill and Sam can have the cool appliances. Between the two of you, none of them will get used. (Laughing Emoji)
J: Donna! I'm gonna use the grill. Just watch.
D: Okay Chef Lyman, here's the deal. You show me that you will use that grill and appliances three times a week for a month. AND if you can do it, and show a real interest in cooking, we can buy new kitchen appliances.
J: REALLY!?
D: Really.
J: Ahh-kay, deal Blue Eyes.
D: Deal. Now go to work, Pumpkin Patch . . . Or you could practice those master chef kitchen skills of yours and make some cookies.
J: Ahh-kay. (Thumbs Up Emoji)
D: (Smiley Emoji and Cookie Emoji)
1:15PM
J: Donna . . .
D: Yes?
J: Ummm, how do you "Preheat" the oven?
D: Oh my God you've never baked before, have you!? Okay don't touch the oven until I get home. We can do a baking crash course.