I was half lifted in the air, my knees not on the ground anymore, and Mika freed herself from my loose grip on her wrist, still with Chizuru's appearance. She jumped out of my reach, or I supposed since I heard her moving but my eyes were closed in pain. The teeth entering my skull matched in intensity the suffering of my bloodlust and I groaned, trying to speak before the giant fox turned my head into a cracked nut.

« Koan... Yasha-san... I'm in control... » I whispered painfully.

I felt the pressure loosen up and my knees and hands touched the floor again. The teeth stopped digging into my skull and instead, a powerful paw made me fall flat on my stomach and kept me in place.

« Yasha-san... let go of me... » I asked, gritting my teeth.

« I'm afraid I can't do that, Saito-san. Not until I can see your hair turn back to your natural color. Quit your demon form and I'll release you. » he explained calmly.

I wish I could...

« Hajime ! Are you alright ? » I heard Haruhi squeak.

That smell...

She was near, very near. Opening my eyes and lifting them, I could see that she kneeled in front of me, anguish painted on her face. She smelled good... A lot better than the foxes... I only would have to extend my hand and I could make the pain disappear...

I shook my head and stayed still under Koan's paw. Maybe it could pass, even without the medecine. It had to. How did Sannan and Heisuke do before the development of the powder ? There surely was a way to calm the pain. I shouldn't have relied on the medicine in the first place. Because of it, I was still unfamiliar with the bloodlust pain and the way to fight it. I chose the easiest path and now that it was impractical, I had no skill to walk another one. It was stupid.

The easiest path is always a trap. If it feels simple, you're probably doing it wrong.

My old sensei's words when I told him, years ago, that some positions or feet placements felt unnatural to me.

The way of the blade is one of discomfort. You have to find comfort in these unnatural movements. And the only way to become comfortable with them is to master them.

He was right at that time and he was still right now. This pain was nothing more than a discomfort. I had to master it, get back the control on my body. I tried to use my mind and calm myself, meditate, empty my brain from all thoughts, all sensations, all suffering... It wasn't easy flat on the ground with the pressure of Koan's paw on my back but I tried my best. The others kept silent, even Haruhi, probably knowing what I was trying to do and doing their best not to disturb me.

I don't know how much time passed, seconds, minutes, hours... But I felt the tide of the pain reflux, burying itself back into my bones and then, I could only feel the familiar one, the one induced by the sun. I felt the paw releasing me and had a look at my ponytail which was raven-like again. I stood up in deafening silence and walked quietly to my bag to put on a clean nagajuban, covering my nakedness. I then walked to my clothes and hung them near the fire like I did with Haruhi's. I kept my eyes low, out of shame and turned to my companions when I was ready to speak again, throat dry and humiliated by my own weakness.

« Please accept my apologies, Yasha-san. » I said to Mika, bowing in her direction « my behavior was unacceptable. » I then turned to Koan, bowing again « Thank you, Yasha-san for your quick reaction. » I turned to Haruhi, still puzzled and scared. « Haruhi... » I started but stopped halfway « put your kimono on. You're going to catch a cold. »

She obeyed and picked her now-dried pink kimono from the rope and put it on. Her eyes were coming back to me, scared but aware that it was rude to stare. I saw her put her wakizashi back in her obi and verify that she could unsheathe it quickly in case of danger. I didn't have any illusions about what the danger could be. It was me. Her own father.

I sat next to the fire and let it warm me the time necessary for my clothes to dry. Neither Mika, Koan or Haruhi spoke to me or came near me. I was alone with my curse. A monster. Nothing more than that. Was it really worthy of me to go and rescue Chizuru ? Impose her the presence of a bloodthirsty monster ? Making her realize how low I've fell since the day I died ? Or was my journey only caused by my never-ending selfishness ?

Maybe it was more merciful to let her remember me as I was and not show her what I've become. If Amagiri was telling the truth, she was safer than she ever was with Kazama and he was treating her right. Maybe in time she would develop some affection for him, maybe it was already the case. She would marry him, make him heirs, pure-blood Onis. Kazama was her kin. Surely there were things he could offer her that I could never. There already was a gap between us before, she Oni, I Human. Now the gap was more of a yawning abyss. Oni and Rasetsu. A goddess and a cursed living corpse. She deserved better.

It was time for me to accept the evidence. Chizuru had never been mine to take in the first place, I knew it from the start, but I let my despicable selfishness appropriate her, keeping her all to myself when I had no right on her. In the end, I just made her suffer. How many times had I seen her cry ? How many times was it my fault ? I brought her nothing but sorrow and danger and now, I was there to get her back ? To put her in an even worse situation ? How could I guarantee her safety, how could I protect her when I was the danger ?

Chizuru had never been mine to take. She was what was more precious to me, my dream of happiness, full of swirling colors. Now was time to wake up and get back to the grey reality. I was a sword. Nothing more. I had to come back to being a sword and do my duty until I lose my life doing it. Emotions were the enemies of the samurai. They made me make mistakes. I would not allow them to cause even more suffering to the woman I loved. Sometimes, the best you can do is to let go.

I picked up my dried clothes, put them on and passed my swords in my obi, resolved.

« Let's go. » I told my companions « we still have a long way to go. »

I started walking east without waiting for an answer and Mika yelled at me.

« Saito-san ! It's the wrong way ! Our path was east of Hakone already, we need now to get west to reach the village. »

« We're not going to Hakone. » I replied in my toneless voice « we're heading to Edo. »