« To Edo ? » repeated Mika in disbelief « but... what about your wife, Saito-san ? »
I didn't answer and kept walking until tiny hands gripped my kimono and tried to pull me back.
« Hajime, you mean we won't rescue Chizuru-neechan ? » asked Haruhi.
Again, I didn't answer and resumed walking. They couldn't understand. Chizuru wouldn't be any safer with me. She wouldn't be any happier either. I needed to set her free from the burden of my person, always pulling her back down, to sorrow and danger.
« Hajime ! » she continued, still trying to make me turn around « Chizuru-neechan is waiting for you ! You said she was in danger ! We can't abandon her now ! »
« Leave him, Haruhi. » I heard Koan say « the man can make his own decisions. I'm sure Saito-san has his reasons. »
« Guess the man didn't care that much about his wife in the end. » said Mika with contempt.
I gritted my teeth at her sarcastic jab but didn't waver. I would go to Edo, join back the Shinsengumi and do my duty. Chizuru would stay safe with her kin, hopefully. As much as Kazama could hurt her, at least she wasn't at risk of being devoured alive by her husband.
Haruhi let go of my kimono and came running to position herself in front of me and force me to stop.
« Why are you turning your back on her ? » she asked, furious.
« Haruhi, forget it. You wouldn't understand. » I said, shaking my head.
A sword. Nothing more. I had to get rid of my emotions, my feelings... and serve.
« Does that have to do with your face earlier ? » she asked again.
« This is not something I may talk to you about. » I answered, swerving to pass her.
« You're a Rasetsu. » she said and I froze in place.
« Repeat what you just said. » I ordered, turning to her with wide eyes.
« You're a Rasetsu. » she repeated firmly.
I waited for her to explain further what she knew about the Rasetsu. It was one of the shogunate's biggest secrets. How could Haruhi know about it ? Did Souji tell her ? Could he be that stupid ?
« When Harada-san taught me to do origami, I practiced a lot on my own and one day, I wanted to show him a frog I made but when I arrived, I noticed he wasn't alone in his room. I wanted to turn away because you told me it's not polite to listen to doors but Nagakura-san was sounding so sad that I wanted to know why. I thought that maybe I could find a way to cheer him up if I knew... Sorry... »
« What did you hear ? » I asked in my toneless voice.
« Nagakura-san was speaking about a common friend, Heisuke. » she continued « that he became a Rasetsu instead of dying and that now, he couldn't be with them anymore. He said that he missed Heisuke and he was glad he wasn't dead but he'd rather die than become a... monster... Sorry... It's just... It's what he said... »
« It's alright. » I nodded « go on. »
« I heard about the crimson eyes and the white hair... The madness... And I heard that what was responsible was the Ochimizu, a kind of medicine that saves people when they are going to die, turning them into Rasetsu. »
So you know everything...
« So now you understand why I can't take Chizuru with me. She would be exposed to great danger with me. I took the serum to save my life and hers, but I cannot achieve that as a monster. I am cursed. » I whispered in grief.
« Sometimes we need to do gruesome things to protect the ones we love. » she said and I opened my eyes wide again.
« What did you say ? » I asked again, wondering if I heard correctly.
« It's a great samurai who taught me this, one that I respect very much. He told me that his honor resided where he chose to put it and that it was strictly personal but that abandoning Chizuru-neechan wouldn't have been respectable to him. »
I felt slapped in the face by my own words coming out of Haruhi's mouth. So she did listen when I spoke to her. I fell on my knees and took her in my arms. I felt so overwhelmed I thought I could cry.
« A true samurai is someone who is passionate about defending the ones around him. » she continued, closing her hands on my back. « That's from Kondou-san. And I have a lot of these. I can go on for hours. I think everyone at the headquarters wanted me to learn all these moral principles. »
« I'm not a samurai anymore, Haruhi... » I whispered. « Nor am I a captain or a husband... »
A captain without a division. A husband without a wife. A samurai without honor.
« It's ok to feel down sometimes, Otousama. It doesn't make you less of a warrior. »
I twitched and pulled my head off her to look at her, my mouth uncontrollably agap in surprise.
She... She called me Otousama... Father...
I never expected that to happen, nor to move me that much. She... did call me father... Not my name or older brother... But father... And with respect, nonetheless...
« Will I have to call you father ? »
« No. I am not your father and I will never pretend to be. »
How many times had I replayed this conversation in my head now that I considered her my daughter ? How many times did I wish that I had another answer to her question ? Having her call me father was something I craved for, for a long time, without allowing myself to dream about it and now, it was happening. And it was coming from her, genuinely. I was her father, at last.
« That last one was from Harada-san ! » she said with a wide smile and I couldn't help but smile with her.
Harada, Kondou-san...
« Good. You are paying attention to wise men. » I nodded with a smile.
« Maybe you should listen to them too. » she said.
I escaped a small laugh. Haruhi was right and she pulled me out of the darkness of my thoughts with the aid of Kondou-san, Harada... and even a better version of myself.
« Thank you, Haruhi. » I whispered and she held me tight, as if she wanted to comfort me.
I could smell her blood from there but I didn't care. I was stronger than that. I would overcome my Rasetsu nature, I knew I would. I just had to get used to it and master myself. Now that the bloodlust was gone, I was strong again.
« Now, let's go get Chizuru-neechan, Otousama. Kazama's a prick who needs to get a sword up his ass ! »
« No cursing. » I replied, smirking.
« It was only for the accuracy of the quote. That's Okita-san. » she grinned just like Souji used to.
I exploded in laughter. That hadn't happened to me in a long time... Maybe all the way back to Shieikan when my life was a bit more insouciant and carefree, when Souji wasn't ill, when Sannan wasn't a shadow of himself, when the shogunate wasn't dying, when Inoue was alive and Toudou was a joyful clown... When we were all sharing Kondou-san's dream and wanted to make a difference. I felt the pressure evacuate my body and the burden on my shoulders lift itself as I was laughing all my worries away.
« Otousama » asked Haruhi, visibly concerned « are you alright ? Is that the Madness ? »
I chuckled nervously, trying to calm myself, and stood up, rubbing my hand in Haruhi's hair. Maybe I did it with a bit too much violence because her kanzashi fell on the ground and I kneeled back to tie her hair. Instead of the high ponytail, I made a big bun and I got Yuki's hairpin out of my sleeve to put it in it.
« That was your mother's. » I explained when I saw her curious face « I offered it to her a long time ago, telling her that the carved wood was strong and honest and that it reflected her soul. You have the same pure soul she had and like her, you helped me out of the darkness. »
« Thank you, Otousama. » she said with a smile.
« Haruhi, I'm... » I stuttered stupidly, blushing « Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you decided to call me father but maybe less formal ? »
Getting from a simple colloquial « Hajime » to a formal « sama » feels really strange to me. It puts so much distance between us.
« Otousan ? » she asked « or you want me to keep Hajime ? I used sama to show you how much respect I have for you. »
« Just... Whatever you like. » I replied, aware that I was blushing red in embarrassment.
During all our conversation, human Mika and fox Koan had patiently waited for us to finish arguing and I turned to them.
« Pardon my bewilderment, Yasha-san » I apologized to both of them « I'm ready to reach Hakone. How far is it now ? »
« We should reach the village before nighttime. » answered Mika with a smile, arm crossed « it's good to have you back. »
I nodded and waited for her to lead us again. She took the head of the line and we walked again towards Hakone. I didn't know what I would find there but I wouldn't turn away.
I'm coming, Chizuru. I don't know if you'll want to accompany me but I'm coming anyway. The choice will be yours.