It took me some time to sift through all the papers on my desk and reply to the letters there were. I stayed in the room for days, not lifting my eyes from my brush, with Chizuru bringing me my meals so I could keep working while eating. I wasn't sleeping much too, forcing myself to stay awake all day and unable to sleep correctly at night. I've been scolded countless times by my too-caring wife who wanted me to work at night only and rest during the day but I couldn't do that. If Hijikata-san needed me urgently or if there was a meeting, I needed to answer his call immediately. I usually got the mail in the morning and I had to review and write back before giving it back to Hijikata-san in the evening for him to sign. He didn't know I was a Rasetsu, I had to do what was expected of me in the daytime. Plus, but that was only a selfish reason, I didn't like the idea of sleeping alone in an empty futon. I would rather take a few hours of rest at night, with Chizuru's gentle steady breath next to me, even if I couldn't rest properly. I've always been a light sleeper anyway so that wasn't a problem for me even if the tiredness was growing strong, along with the pain.
Haruhi was often with me. With her cracked ribs still healing, she couldn't really train or run or play or whatever kids do. She got some books to read now that she was capable of doing it and she was reading a lot. For the moment, she could only read kids books but that was a start. I let her stay with me even if my work was confidential. She couldn't understand a single letter anyway.
« Otousan... How do you read this 顔 kanji ? » she asked me, showing me her book.
« That's kao, face. » I replied, getting back to work.
« Okay ! » she smiled, getting back to the corner to keep reading.
I knew she was attempting to start a conversation. She was probably very bored but I had no time to care for her. If she wanted to talk, she'd have to find Chizuru or Harada. I didn't have time to babysit, that work was far too important for the sake of all the Shinsengumi.
« The hero in my story is such a moron. » she stated.
« I don't think moron is a suitable word for a little girl. » I replied calmly, still scribbling.
« Yeah, well he's stupid. » she said.
Once more, I didn't reply. Frankly, I would prefer Haruhi to go and play somewhere else, but it was her room as much as it was mine and Chizuru's. I couldn't really send them away just because they were there. Chizuru was often coming too, to read or sew or anything else, I wasn't really paying attention. I didn't mind as long as they were letting me work in peace.
« If he hadn't opened that box, he'd still be young. He should have stayed underwater with the princess. The ending is so sad. » she stated again.
Ah... Urashima Tarô...
I remembered this story, I used to like it a lot as a kid myself. I frowned.
« It's not that sad. » I said.
« Then I would like to have your definition of sad. Because I think that aging in mere seconds and turning to dust is a pretty sad ending. »
« Let me see. » I said, getting my eyes off my work and extending my hand so she would give me the book.
She stood up and handed it to me. She was right, that was the ending of her version, she read properly.
« The one I know has a different ending. » I said, handing her back the book.
« Is it less sad ? » she asked.
« In a way. He ages just the same but then turns into a crane and flies away to mount Horai to nest. » I explained.
« Your version is better. » she nodded.
« Maybe. » I replied, getting back to the letter I was writing.
We stayed together in silence for a few minutes before she closed her book and stood up again.
« I'm gonna make some tea. » she said and I nodded to acknowledge I heard her.
She went away and I sighed, happy to be alone at last. My skin was burning and my face was all sweaty. I think I was spending more time getting the sweat off my face with my sleeve than actually writing. My condition was worsening but I was hiding it efficiently. I didn't need Chizuru's help or pity.
Haruhi came back shortly after with tea and a small cake.
« Chizuru-neechan says happy birthday but she doesn't want to disturb you. » she said.
I looked at the date, February 18th. It was indeed my birthday, I totally forgot, head deep in paperwork.
« She can come if she wishes to. » I replied, looking at the small cake.
It wasn't a castella like the ones I usually offer her for her birthday but a tofu cake made with two round rice cakes and a miso-glazed tofu in the middle. I really didn't deserve a wife like her. My temper was short lately and I was often erupting due to the bad news I was receiving everyday and the tiredness and pain I was enduring. And yet, she thought about my birthday and made me a tofu cake.
« Do you want me to fetch her ? » she asked.
« No. » I said, standing up with my tray « I'm going. »
She slid the shoji and we went downstairs to the common room where I found Chizuru drinking tea with Nagakura and Harada, laughing. Her eyes lit when she saw me and I put my tray down to join them.
« Oh look ! A ghost ! » commented Nagakura « Hey ! Wait ! How come he gets a cake ?! » he complained, turning to Chizuru.
« It's his birthday ! » she smiled genuinely.
« It's also my birthday, Chizuru-chan » he smiled from ear to ear « can I get a cake ? »
« Your birthday's in May, you liar. » scolded Chizuru with furrowed brows.
I drank my tea peacefully, keeping my pastry for last. Nagakura kept trying to negotiate with Chizuru for minutes but she stayed firm. In the end, she finally agreed to make biscuits for everyone tomorrow. That seemed to calm him down for a time.
« Hey, Saito... Can I have a bite ? » he asked, already approaching his fingers from my cake but I slapped his hand away.
« You touch it, you're dead. » I threatened, sipping my tea with icy eyes.
« Don't angry him, Shinpachi ! » chuckled Harada « you know how the lone wolf is protective of his food. That's not Heisuke. »
« But just a small bite... » he tried again, approaching his hand once more and I took my chopsticks in hand, ready to fight for my cake if I needed to.
« Shinpachi, he's going to poke your eye if you continue ! » laughed Harada.
« Okay, okay... » he sighed, pretending to sob. « Man, you're so cruel to a poor famished soul like me. »
« You're not famished. » protested Chizuru « you just ate all the biscuits that were left ! »
« That's a detail... » muttered Nagakura and I stood up, taking my tray back to my room.
« Thank you, Chizuru. » I said « Can you keep Haruhi here, please ? I need to finish something important. »
« Okay » she nodded, visibly disappointed that I was leaving so soon.
I walked calmly with my tray until I was out of sight and I started to walk quicker, limit running. I slid the shoji desperately fast and closed it with force. The tray fell down first, my untouched cake on the floor, and I followed, grunting in pain, digging my fingernails around my heart. The bloodlust was there again. I stayed on my knees, panting, grunting, waiting for the pain to go away. I knew that it could go, it went away last time even if I didn't have any medicine.
The sweat on my face was flowing now, dripping on the floor as I was making an intense effort to calm down. At least, I knew that I wasn't going to be disturbed. I couldn't smell anyone close by. I waited, suffering in as much silence as I could until the pain receded, burying itself back in my bones. I used my sleeve to wipe my face and took my ponytail to my eyes. Raven-like. Good. It was over and without any fuss.
I put back my cake on the tray and took it to my desk. I ate it slowly, looking at the town through the window, the sun burning my eyes and skin. After the intense pain that the bloodlust was, it was almost making the one of the sun bearable. The cake was delicious, just as savory as it looked like, and I was so blessed to have Chizuru bringing so much joy in my life.
Watching the sunny day outside while eating my tofu cake, I felt melancholic. I was 24 today but was there really a point in celebrating the birthday of a corpse ?