March 1868
After a few days, a routine began to install and I was glad for it. I was the kind of man to find peace and comfort into repeated gestures, repeated tasks, repeated days... and I needed that constance even more now that the situation of the Shinsengumi was bad and that the neverending swirling of emotions that I was hiding behind my impassive mask had turned into a typhoon under the guidance of my Rasetsu nature.
In our room, Chizuru and I were both working silently, me on the paperwork that Hijikata-san trusted me with and her, sewing by my side. She cleaned the brown and the blue kimono that I had been wearing during the trip and since it had been too damaged for me to wear them again, she was using the fabric to make smaller ones for Haruhi, even if the patterns weren't very feminine. She was all to her task, in a Yatarajima pattern kimono (stripes of eight different colors and thicknesses running along the entire length of the kimono) of different shades of blue, green and yellow. The obi was a plain pastel yellow one. These kinds of patterns were suiting her much better than her « Kazama princess » kimono. I never really liked ostentatious luxury, considering that personal wealth was the enemy of the warrior's way.
« Do you think I should make long sleeves, like a furisode ? » she asked me, looking at the fabric « it suits a little girl but with these kind of very masculine patterns, I don't know... »
I lifted my gaze off my paperwork and glimpse at her before getting back to my work.
« I think it's better to make her training kimonos and choose something prettier for a furisode. » I said in my toneless voice, scribbling on the paper.
« Yeah, I agree... » she said, taking her black hikizuri Kazama princess kimono out of the cupboard to look at it. « I can use this, I'm never going to wear it again anyway. Even if I ripped the bottom, there is still a long portion with the golden pattern, I can make it with patterns on the bottom and the sleeves... Would you mind seeing Haruhi wear this ? »
« I don't care, Chizuru. I'm trying to work. » I replied harshly.
She didn't say anything else and I realized how rude I had been.
« Sorry... » I sighed, extending my hand to caress her cheek « it's just... I'm trying to concentrate, alright ? »
« Yeah, I understand. » she said with a kind smile « I won't disturb you. »
I nodded and plunged my gaze back into the paperwork. When Hijikata-san told me that our situation was bad, it was an euphemism. Our situation was catastrophic. Everyday, I was opening letters from daimyo that were explaining why they wouldn't fight with us and decided to stay neutral. How could anyone decide to stay neutral with this kind of open rebellion ?! France had also called back its soldiers after Toba-Fushimi. Some of them deserted and decided to stay with us to defend the Bakufu. They were foreigners, they weren't japanese, they weren't samurai and yet, they had more honor and loyalty towards the shogunate than daimyos whose positions were given from the shogunate in the first place. That was hard to swallow.
« Ouch ! » said Chizuru, licking her finger.
Blood, I could smell it and my mouth fell agap, my eyes widened, as I saw her suck on the tip of her finger that she pierced with her needle. I passed my tongue on my lips, swallowing my saliva with difficulty.
Just... Just a taste... To see if she tastes as good as Kaoru... I'm sure it's even better... Maybe a bit spicy too...
I shook my head and looked at the letters but I was having trouble focusing. The kanji were dancing before my eyes, merging into each other. Yet, I kept my gaze focused there, even if I couldn't read a single thing.
« Ah, it's closed already. » she said with satisfaction.
« Good. » I replied but my voice was hoarse instead of toneless and she noticed it.
« Are you okay ? » she asked with concern.
« Ha. » I nodded « It's nothing. »
« You're sure ? » she asked « Do you want me to pierce my finger again ? I don't mind, you know. »
She'd let me taste her... Maybe she'd even like it...
« I do. » I replied coldly « Please, let me work. »
« Okay... » she said grudgingly, getting back to her sewing.
I couldn't believe Chizuru offered that to me. I was her husband, not a bloodthirsty monster, and I intended it to stay that way. I was starting to feel furious at the idea that she could offer herself that easily. Was she doing the same with Sannan and Toudou ? We worked in silence for a moment and I felt my heartbeat calm down. I was able to read and write again and I focused on the sound of my brush on the paper to find some peace in it, ignoring my growing anger and my pain. Chizuru stood up and stored her half finished work in the nearest cupboard before grabbing some hairpins to arrange her hair.
« Where are you going ? » I asked.
« To Sannan-san. » she replied « We need to make more medicine for the Rasetsu. I will bring some for you. »
« You're not going. » I objected.
« Why not ? » she asked, surprised « He needs my help. »
He doesn't need your help. He only needs your blood. You're nothing but a milking cow to him. Letting Sannan drain you like this has never been a part of our deal. Someone else, qualified, has to do it.
« It's too dangerous. » I explained « Yamazaki can't help you drain the blood anymore and Sannan is getting closer to madness every day. »
I saw what one single bead on your finger could do to me, and I'm a young Rasetsu.
« He's counting on me. » she said.
« I don't care. » I said firmly, getting up as well.
Anger was leaking from my voice. Rasetsu me really had more difficulty hiding his emotions but with the frustration, the thirst and the tiredness, it was even worse. I got near Chizuru and took her in my arms to carry her back near my desk.
« Put me down ! » she yelled.
I complied, making her sit and she jumped on her feet.
« Hajime, we already had that discussion. » she said.
« Things have changed. » I simply replied.
« Yes, they have ! » she yelled « and the Rasetsu need me more than ever, especially since now my husband is... »
I put my palm on her mouth to muffle her. We could never know who could be listening behind closed doors. That secret wasn't to be revealed.
« I'm your husband and you owe me obedience. » I said, not believing my own bold words. « And I'm telling you that you are not doing this. »
« I am not your property. » she stated with defiance.
Maybe I should make you my property... Maybe I should make you understand that you belong to me and me only.
I ignored that thought, knowing that it was the Rasetsu in me that was speaking. We stared at each other for seconds, each of us trying to make the other surrender. Eventually, I did, out of fear I might lose her.
« Chizuru, My nerves are on edge lately, it's true. » I sighed « but you can't keep doing this to me. You can't always do as you wish and ignore everything I feel. That's not how marriage is supposed to work. I love you with all my heart but please, stop taking paths in which I can't protect you. Have a little mercy. »
Visibly, Rasetsu me wasn't only easier to anger or annoy, it was also more open-hearted. I really didn't know why these thoughts passed the barrier of my lips but she seemed to calm down a little.
« We need a compromise » she said « because I can't let them all suffer because of us. And the Shinsengumi can't afford to have a bloodlust epidemic right now. And we also need a solution for you. Maybe you have never experienced bloodlust yet but I can assure you, it's not pretty... »
I nodded grudgingly and tried to think of the options I could have.
« I agree to the vials » I eventually said « but we will wait for the arrival of Kondou-san and Matsumoto-sensei. He'll have to be the one doing it. »
« They won't arrive before a week, at least. » she objected.
« The Rasetsu will have to cope with it. » I said firmly.
She thought for a second and put her hand on mine, entangling her fingers.
« Okay, if that makes it easier for you, I'll have it your way. » she nodded.
I escaped a long sigh of relief and leaned over to kiss her, my fingers leaving hers to cup her face. I wanted to trap her there, with me, cage her, keep her safe from any harm.
Cage her there, trap her... So that she wouldn't escape me.
Before I had realized, she was pinned to the wall, eyes wide as my mouth was working on hers avidly, her face still trapped between my hands. I licked her lower lip and took the opportunity of a moan to invade her mouth, tasting all the aromas I could find there.
« Saito-sensei. » I heard behind the shoji.
« She's not coming, Sannan. » I growled in anger, staring at Chizuru's wide chestnut eyes.
« Hajime... » she started and I muffled her with my mouth again.
She's not yours. She's mine. I won't let you use her.
« Saito-kun, can I have an explanation ? » he asked, his voice sounding annoyed.
« No. » I answered harshly.
I heard his quick footsteps in the corridor. He was probably going to speak about it to Hijikata-san. I didn't care. Yet, his intervention helped me get the control back and I slowly detached my lips from Chizuru, panting with red cheeks.
« My... apologies, Chizuru... » I whispered « I don... »
She smiled and silenced me with a passionate kiss, pulling me back against her and I felt a barrier in me crack under the flames of desire.