Chapter 5

Now:

Rey shot to her feet. "Are you-" She couldn't say are you breaking up with me when there was no relationship and the things they had felt, had experienced, didn't amount to much beyond friendship. She sat back down, feeling foolish. "Do you not want to be friends anymore? Do you just want to be out of each other's life completely?"

A muscle in his jaw twitched. Gripping his drink, he looked into it as though lost in thought. "I have loved you, Rey," he said mechanically, as though he practiced it every day in the mirror. "For so long, I have loved you-and I haven't been waiting for you, you know that. But I can't do it anymore. You're holding me back from a life I want, from getting married, to having kids. Rey, I'm not getting any younger and as long as you're in my life, I can't be satisfied with anyone but you."

She remembered that night on her front porch, when they were both unattached and young and the night had been warm and there had been enough electricity outside that lightbulb. They could have lit up the entire block, the entire city, with the sparks she'd felt when he had touched her hand. She remembered how much she had looked forward to seeing again, to how she didn't kiss him that night. She had been so stupid.

"I regret it," she said in a rush. "I regret it all so much. Why was I so dumb to stay with him for so long? I mean, Ben, would it be too late for us?"

He didn't look at her. "Us?"

"That day it happened, when they arrested you, I was going to break up with Hux. For you. Just for a chance that you may want to be with me."

He said nothing, only stared at her with a clenched jaw.

"I know it must be too late," she conceded. "I mean, the entire world knows he gave me chlamydia. Why would you want to be with the girl whose ass is public now, when he leaked that sex tape?"

"I thought-" he cleared his throat. "I thought you were depressed that he left you."

"If I'm honest, I was ready to leave him almost a year ago, but I didn't know how. He was just so Hux. At first, he was the only one who understood the shot to fame. Then it got to his head and I couldn't relate to him anymore, I mean, come on, gold-embossed socks? Asshole. But Ben, he humiliated me in front of the entire world! In that same week, everyone knew I had chlamydia, had been cheated on, and then he-he-oh my god, I still can't believe it-he leaked a sex tape of us, something I didn't even know he had recorded until I saw it myself. And I only knew because of Finn's mug in the background."

She couldn't sit any longer. She paced the length of her living room, pointing her drink in this direction and that direction. "I haven't spoken to him since that day and I've gotten treated since the news broke. The shame won't go away. I've been this sad little victim. Me, the next fucking Bond now a pathetic girl who everyone's been laughing at. I was a day from signing my new contract but all of a sudden, it's on hold. 'New clause' and whatnot, whatever that means. I know these problems sound so ridiculous and even saying them makes me want to roll my eyes, but that's what happened. Ben, I don't know why you finally responded to Phasma. I don't even know why you're really here but if you want to move on, move on with me. Ben, I love you."

Then:

It happened slowly.

Phasma hired Ben for more outings once Rey began receiving death threats by the dozens. Each time with an embarrassing combination of words, which was required of all service staff. Phasma's reasoning was simple: if we hired them, they'll do as I say. Or say what I tell them to. At first, it was awkward. She had a boyfriend now and Ben was always there to Hux kiss her. But sometimes Hux wasn't there and in those moments, she and Ben slowly became friends.

It was Ben who maintained a professional distance in public situations. It wasn't until they were in private-like the limos Hux insisted they travel in-that Ben loosened his grim attitude. Like after some teen awards show they had attended together.

Rey bounced in her seat inside their limo. "Ben, did you get my invitation?"

He chuckled. "Yes. All three of them."

Hux huffed at this. "Three?"

Rey waved his question away. "Mail, text, and email. Ben is a notorious antisocial creature, so I couldn't let him pretend he never got my invitation. He gave me a P.O. Box, can you believe it? He won't even tell me where he lives."

"I live on Springdale."

"Oh yeah, that helps. That really narrows it down on that ten mile stretch of road." Rey rolled her eyes at Hux. "Glad to hear you got them, Ben. I expect three different RSVPs."

"Me, myself, and I will be there, Rey. Unwilling but there."

This became too much for Hux, who was gaping at Rey as though she'd just given her bodyguard a blowjob.

"You invite your service people to events like this?" he asked. "Rey, come on."

Rey avoided looking at her bodyguard. "You're so fucking rude, Hux. Ben is my friend. Ben, I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologize for me! I'm sitting right here."

"Well, what am I supposed to do? You're not going to apologize and you're being an ass. Don't talk to my friends like that."

"Don't talk to me like that."

She threw her hands in the air. "You talk to me like that all the time, Hux. And it's my birthday. It's not an event. It's just a small get together at my house."

Her birthday changed everything. It was the first time, the morning after, that someone sold information about her. A clear picture of her and Ben sitting on her couch. It did appear suspect, eye contact and smiles wide, one of her hands resting on his shoulder. Lost in the world of each other. Hux had been livid; he'd read the entire article detailing how Rey had been jealous over one of their friends asking out Ben.

But she remembered it differently.

She remembered nothing about Hux's friend asking out Ben. Nothing about what she and Ben were talking about.

Finn had sauntered over to Ben and looked him up and down, hand touching his chin. "What have I seen you in? I've seen you in something."

"Maybe in your dreams."

"Oh." Finn crossed his arms and nodded. "So you're funny. You're a funny guy?"

"I'm hilarious."

They hit it off. Rey was sure she'd seen Finn slip Ben his business card, threatening to destroy him, his bloodline, and family name at a game of Risk. Board games were Finn's forte and Ben was competitive to a fault.

She didn't remember avoiding Hux or preferring Ben. She only remembered how much fun it was listening to Finn describe meeting Rey fresh off the plane from London and how horrified he'd been to witness the savagery that were her eating habits. In fact, all his stories made fun of Rey but they were good natured so she didn't mind.

What she did remember was the exclusive air Hux put on. Refusing to associate with anyone but a scant few of his friends and occasionally Rey when she walked by, Hux had been a jerk. Yet she was the villain the next morning.

Now:

Rey was still standing. Breathing hard like she'd run a mile.

"Tell me it's not too late, Ben," she said.

Quickly, before he could protest, she crossed the small space between them and threw herself into his lap. He stared as though in disbelief.

"Ben, will you say something? I'm dying here."

His eyes fell on her lips. "Finn said you're a horrid kisser and that your breath tastes like rancid onions."

She stared at his mouth. "It's a good thing you don't want to kiss me then."

"Yes. Most definitely."

She grabbed his face between her hands. He was so close she could count every individual mole and fit her thumb inside the crescent of a dimple.

"Your hair is pretty," she said.

He smiled. "Your face is beautiful."

They lingered apart for another moment, the tension stretched out like a taut rubber band. She wished she could savor this moment a bit longer-the anticipation of what it felt to finally press her mouth to his and think mine. So when she did kiss him, time didn't freeze. It sped up. Images of her and Ben now, tomorrow, next year. Her and Ben, both living inside this house. Married. Her pregnant. Rey never claimed to be a prophet but Ben felt right. Like all the memories beyond tonight would no longer be fragmented, only bearable in small increments.

A memory:

He pretended it didn't hurt.

Behind his sunglasses, he watched her without restraint. Traced the curves of her waist with his gaze, in secret. Always in secret. How he dreamed of tracing his fingers down her spine to that waist he dreamed of.

"Ben!" she called, as though his name wrapped in the lilt of her voice didn't bring him to his knees. "Come on, Ben! The water is so nice!"

They were on the beach again. Practically lived there during the summer. It was a time of suffocating heat and clusters of tourists, and already he saw at least a dozen of them recording Rey in her polka dot bikini. Either oblivious or having lost the will to care, Rey leapt underwater and reemerged a few seconds later. Her smile was positively radiant.

It was just them again.

As he waded into the water, he considered what life meant for Rey now. Gone was the frazzled girl he'd met, shaken by a first encounter with a stalker. Now Rey hardly went into public without Ben or another bodyguard from the agency-almost as if accepting that she would never have the privilege of solitude. Or maybe she simply didn't feel safe without one of them. He didn't know her very well. Nothing beyond a handful of routine small talks.

"Finally!" she yelled, splashing water on him. He laughed.

Request him every day. From dawn to dusk, if he was filtered into her daily life as a shadow, he did not mind one bit. Even if it hurt to see her smile at him and know she smiled like that for everyone. Even if he knew nothing would change from the way things were.