In which Thomas makes a distressing announcement.
The contents of this chapter are based on a post made April 3rd, 2005.
We were all surprised at the time, and even looking back now I still feel a bit badly about this chapter.
"W-what are you saying, Master Thomas?"
Sebastian stood in the sunlit foyer, surrounded by a small crowd of Budehuc's long time staff. The butler was well-known for his nervous episodes. Thomas instantly recognized the polka-dotted kerchief patting the portly man's forehead—it was one reserved for especially stressful situations. The last time it made an appearance was during the war.
Sebastian cleared his throat and darted an anxious glance towards Juan at his side. Any hint of Juan's casual slouch was notably absent. The stalk of grass hanging from his mouth jutted upwards at an angle. "This is a joke, right? Seriously?"
"It has to be a joke!" Muto piped up from the back of the group. The kobold's fluffy tail began to wag as if he were already convinced the entire affair was just a misunderstanding. He looked like an eager puppy awaiting a game of fetch. "There's no way! I believe in Thomas!"
"Obviously. Although if you ask me, it's pretty tasteless," Juan said.
Sebastian made another nervous hemming sound as he cleared his throat a second time. His immaculately coiffed curls stuck to the sides of his pudgy, pink cheeks regardless of how many swipes the kerchief made across his face. The other members of the staff exchanged nervous glances.
"No joke," Thomas said. "I… I'm sorry, everyone… please accept this as my resignation."
The silence that blanketed the castle foyer was suffocating. The young man was convinced that somehow everyone could hear his heart hammering in his chest.
I can't… I'm not fit to do this anymore.
He fiddled with his hands; it was an anxious habit that he had mostly overcome since the war. Residents departed Budehuc all the time. There were many goodbyes after the war. Even the bearers of the True Runes split off and went their own separate ways after coming together to win the battle. Goodbyes were sad, but it was all part of closure once the war ended.
Yet this time felt different. This was the first time Thomas allowed himself to get attached beyond the call of duty, and the possibility of saying goodbye wasn't one he even considered.
An entire week had passed since the spring festival, but with each day it grew harder to stay focused on his tasks at hand. Every time he attempted to keep busy, the memory of Kinnison's rejection crept into his thoughts and made it impossible to concentrate. Daytime distractions began to morph into nighttime insomnia. Thomas laid awake replaying the moment on an endless loop. He was beginning to make mistakes, and even managing the daily accounting in the Budehuc ledger was becoming daunting.
How can I call myself castle master if I can't even carry out my responsibilities?
The uncomfortable silence was shattered by frantic clamoring footsteps skidding down the hallway. "M-Master Thomas!" Cecile barreled through the foyer, still half-tying her kneesock up as she struggled to remain upright. "Eike… Eike said…"
Thomas wasn't sure how Eike found out the news before his formal announcement, but the librarian was always full of surprises. This time though he wished Eike wasn't as astute. He planned to make his announcement during a time he knew Cecile would be occupied, and at this hour she was typically in the baths before starting her morning patrol.
"Master Thomas!" she pleaded, "Eike said you were leaving!"
He couldn't look her in the eyes.
"Cecile, chill." Juan grunted. He put a hand on her shoulder to steady her as she finished adjusting her socks. "This whole thing is obviously a joke."
"B-b-but Juan, Eike never jokes!"
"It's not a joke, Cecile," Thomas said. He lowered his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't smile and pretend that everything is okay."
"But… Master Thomas, we've gone through so much worse before! Remember when your father tried to remove your title and send you away?! Or when the castle was under attack during the war?! We can get through anything if we just stick together, right?!"
"I'm going home. I don't know when, or if I'll be back any time soon. I want to visit my mother's grave and just... get away from here."
"Seriously, man?" Juan's grip on Cecile's shoulder tightened. Thomas couldn't help but wonder if he anticipated her fainting. "That's pretty damn weak."
"T-then I'm weak. I accept that."
"No!" Cecile wriggled away from Juan's hold and grabbed Thomas's hands in hers. She hadn't yet put on her gauntlets after her bath, and her hands were still warm. "Master Thomas, I promise, no matter what is bothering you, I know you are so much stronger than this! And… and if you feel like you aren't, I'll be strong for you! I'll fight whatever it is you need fighting!"
He still couldn't look at her. Thomas focused on the sight of her hands grasping his. Were they always so small? He couldn't recall the last time he saw Cecile's bare hands. He felt even more guilty than before and desperately wished she'd put her gauntlets back on, as if they might somehow protect her from the emotional hurt he was inflicting through his words.
"I swear! I promise I'll protect you! So please, just tell me what to do, and I'll do it!"
Thomas swallowed hard. "I have nothing to say concerning castle matters. In my absence I leave the governance of Budehuc to all of you. I trust you can continue on without me as a self-governing body."
"Master Thomas…" Cecile's hands slipped away from his. His palms felt cold and clammy once more.
Eike suddenly stepped out of the shadows, his voice a low, deep monotone. "Sometimes… a little time alone… is simply all one needs… in order to revisit… and reevaluate… the trials and tribulations… of life…"
Thomas wasn't sure how long the librarian had been there listening, but surely long enough. His lean, gaunt figure seemed to almost disappear in the background, yet Thomas could feel Eike's sullen eyes following his every move.
"Eike is right!" Cecile said. "Please… Master Thomas, take as long as you need. Maybe you just need a bit of a break from the stress of managing the castle affairs!" She drew a slow breath, "I take time to visit my father's grave, so… so… I'm sure your mother will be happy to hear from you."
"I'm sorry."
"I-it's okay! We are all going to be fine, I promise!"
Against his better judgment he finally met her eyes. Cecile's hair was completely askew without her helmet, one ribbon missing altogether and the other lopsided. Her armor had a smudge of soap clinging to the seam along her side. His breath hitched in his chest as he saw the look in her eyes. As strong as Cecile's words were, she wasn't able to mask the pain and confusion in her expression. Then again, she had always been a terrible liar.
Please don't look at me like that.
This was so much easier when he rehearsed it in his mind while lying awake the night before. But he focused so much on what he would say, he hadn't prepared for what everyone else might say in response. The anguish on Cecile's face was enough to make him feel nauseous and almost lose his nerve.
Thomas swallowed again. His throat felt dry. "I… I'll be leaving tomorrow. Thank you for understanding. I just wanted to let you all know beforehand so you can make any remaining arrangements."
Cecile swayed in place. Juan put his hand on her shoulder again to steady her.
Thomas's rehearsal never went this far. He wasn't sure what else to say. Nothing could make things feel any better. There were no words he could string together to explain how ashamed he was.
Father was right. I'm not fit to be castle master.
Thomas turned and began ascending the staircase.
"W-was… was it my fault, Juan?" Cecile's voice behind him was quiet and soft.
"No, little bean… it wasn't."