Hello my dearies. I would like to thank Lic. Lu, Guest, heyjode, amywegner16, anonkp, PirateGinge and ssl71 for the wonderful reviews. I would also like to thank those of you who have flowed and favoured since my last update.
So this is a long chapter, and rather heart-wrenching, also TRIGGER this is a bit graphic in some parts, but no more than the show was so… sorry about that. But it needed to be done. Again could be seen as anti-Kensi, but it's what I feel this Deeks is feeling and I got inspiration from the line where Deeks told Kensi that 'the place I went to in my head, to stop the pain – was you.', so please don't hate me. Anyway I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS: LA, nor any of the lines I have taken from the show.
Frank had made his way down to the kitchen and did his duty by offering his services, even though he knew they would be declined. He knew his husband, and as much as they loved each other, he knew if he spent more than a few minutes in the kitchen under Henry the other man would be wanting to kill him. Therefore he had made a very sensible and tactical retreat to the bar to get it set up for the day, before laying a table for the four people there. He had just finished restocking the fridge when the smells of cooking pancakes came through the door and he knew it was time to re-enter the kitchen.
Going in he couldn't stop himself from walking up behind Henry and wrapping his arms around the other man as he expertly flipped the pancakes he was cooking. Nor could he stop himself from placing a sweet kiss on his neck as he did so.
"Behave or I'll burn these and you'll go hungry, mister." Henry said, though there was no heat or anger in his voice, nor in the way he lent back against the man behind him. The man he loved.
"Hmm, in that case, I should go and see if the boys are awake yet." Frank responded placing one more kiss on his husband before stepping back.
"Good plan. I'll hold off cooking theirs until you return." Henry replied. There was no point letting the pancakes get cold while waiting for the other two men to join them after all was there?
With a nod of his head Frank made his way up to their apartment. He opened the door quietly, not wanting to disturb the two men if they were still asleep, though he was even more glad of his stealth when he saw the scene that greeted him. Because there on his bed sat Deeks wrapped in Callen's arms as the deep wrenched cries were ripped from him. this was so much worse than how he had been that first time they had met on the beach, it sounded as if he was been torn apart, and knowing what he now knew, Frank couldn't help but think that that wasn't too far from the truth. He stood there for a second wondering what to do before his eyes connected with Callen's, who of course had registered the second he had stepped through the door.
They looked at each other and Frank got the message loud and clear. Callen would look after Deeks, it would be best if he left them to it. So even though it was against everything he really wanted to do Frank carefully retreated. Callen had known the kid longer than him, had been there though all the crap, surely he would be the better person to be there for him now.
Making his way back into the kitchen he spoke quietly yet in what he thought was a pretty good version of his usual voice. "I'm not sure how long the boys will, be. Best to leave theirs until later."
But his words caused Henry to turn quickly alarm written across his face. "What's wrong?" He asked, holding himself back from running up the stairs Frank had just come down. Surely if it was something serious that Callen could not deal with his husband would not be standing in front of him right then.
"Deeks is… he's processing." Frank responded with a sigh, he should have known better than to try and lie to Henry. He always knew what he was feeling, sometimes before even he himself had worked it out.
"Ah." Henry replied. He knew exactly what that meant. Nodding his head he continued. "Then I imagine Callen is the right person to help him with that. Come let's eat, they'll know where to find us when they are ready."
"yeah, your right." Frank agreed, moving to grab one of the plates, but not before planting a gentle kiss on his husbands lips, using it as a way to say without words how much he appreciated how he always knew exactly what to say, how he always knew exactly what Frank needed to hear.
With that the two men made their way into the bar and sat at the table, exchanging causal conversation and by a tactical agreement didn't mention the two men upstairs from them. Didn't speculate on what was going on or any way they could help the one they had taken under their wing so completely.
Callen held Deeks long after Frank had left, and kept on holding his as the cries died down into sniffs and hiccups as Deeks' body tried to regain its equilibrium. When he was satisfied that Deeks was over the worse, he pulled back so he could look at the man in his arms, but he didn't let him go.
"Why don't we take Monty for a walk up on the cliff?" He suggested. He knew Deeks, and he knew he needed to get out of the room, out of the bar before he truly faced everything now that his walls had gone. He needed time where he could try and find some peace inside himself now he was no longer hiding from the pain.
Deeks for his part just nodded. Yeah, get out of here. That had a definite appeal, not the most because if he was out of Frank and Henry's apartment he would hopefully have less of a chance to run into them.
"Okay, go get dressed. I'll tell Frank and Henry where we're going." Callen said, seeing the nod. With that he finally let go of the other man, but he didn't get off of the bed until Deeks moved to do so as well. And he walked behind him as he made his way out of the apartment and back to his room with the busted lock. Callen frowned at that. They would need to get that fixed before he would let Deeks sleep in their alone. Hmm something else to mention when he talked to the older men.
"Right, I'll go downstairs and meet you by the back door, all right?" he asked glad to see how Monty was refusing to leave Deeks' side. Damn that dog was a god send for his friend.
"Yeah." Deeks croaked back, before coughing and trying to make his voice sound less like he had just spend far too long a time in tears. But he knew it was a pointless endeavour and instead just nodded again.
With that Callen left Deeks to it and moved quickly to get downstairs. He didn't want to leave Deeks alone for longer than was absolutely necessary right then.
Deeks for his part carefully kept his eyes away from the bed in case the memories of what had happened the previous evening came back. Instead he turned to grab a tee and some jeans, as well as a big comfy jumper than he hoped he would be able to hide in as much as possible. He was glad Callen was talking to Frank and Henry, he really didn't think he could cope with other people right then, other than Callen that was. Not to mention he didn't want to see the evidence of his behaviour on his friends face. No. Don't think about that. Change, get ready for going out. Nothing more. Take it all one step at a time. And with that he slowly pulled off his sleep clothes, shivering as the cold air hit him before he managed to delve into the new clean material once more. That done he made his way to the bathroom and half-heartily tried to tame his hair and make himself look somewhat presentable, splashing cold water over his eyes hoping to reduce the redness. Not that he thought it would do much good. But he had to try something. He needed to be doing something. Because if he stop his brain would start working again, and he was ready for that. He wasn't sure he would ever be ready for that.
Callen walked into the bar to find the other two men finishing up their food.
"Hey, Deeks and I are taking Monty out for a walk. We'll eat when we come back." He said as a way of greeting, clearly saying without words to not ask after the younger man.
"Make sure you take some water with you, and I'll have breakfast ready for your return." Henry replied moving behind the bar to grab a couple of bottles and holding them out to Callen. No doubt if Deeks had been crying he could do with a drink.
"Thanks." Callen answered, glad someone else had suggested that. It hadn't even crossed his mind, he just wanted to get Deeks out of here and hopefully help him in the peaceful surroundings outside. With that he turned to go before he remembered the other thing he wanted to mention. "The lock on Deeks' door-"
Frank interrupted him before he could say anything more. "I've already called a friend of ours, Mike. He'll be here later today to fix it. Don't worry."
"See you in a bit." Callen nodded glad that Frank had also been worried about leaving Deeks in a room with no lock. He knew he could trust these men with his friend, and they were very much proving his point right then.
With that he moved through the door so he could wait for Deeks. He was just considering going up and finding the kid deciding after two minutes he was taking far too long, when he heard the patter of Monty's feet on the floorboards above. He knew Monty wouldn't be coming without Deeks and as such relaxed as he waited for the other two going on their walk to arrive.
They preceded up the same path they had taken the last time Callen was there. Mainly because he didn't know any others, and Deeks was not in the right frame of mind to lead. Instead he followed Callen without looking where they were going. All he knew was that it was away from the bar, away from the man he had hurt, and away from the site of what he could only see as his act of betrayal towards the one who had been nothing but kind to him.
When they finally reached the top Callen took Deeks' hand and sat down, positioning the younger man in front of him and between his legs so he could wrap his arms around him and Deeks could lean back on his chest. He wanted to make sure Deeks knew he wasn't alone and that he was safe, and keeping hold of him was the only way he could think to do that as they both stared out over the ocean below.
"You ready to talk about it?" Callen asked gently. There was no pushing in his voice, just a simple question, one which Deeks knew he could say no to and there would be no repercussions, no prodding or interrogation. It was up to him whether he wanted to talk or not, and he knew Callen would respect that.
As such he didn't answer with an automatic no. After all that had flooded him earlier, after all the walls he had built up had come crumbing down, he wasn't sure what the answer truly was anymore. So instead he sat there, wrapped in the safety of Callen's arms and said nothing as he listened the faint sound of the waves crashing against the beach and cliffs, listened the sounds of nature around him, a bird singing somewhere, and some insects humming. Sat there and breathed in the smell of the earth that was below him and the ocean in front, mingled in with the faint smell of flowers and grass that came on the breeze that was playing across his face, moving his hair so it tickled his nose. He sat there and just was, found once more the peace that this place gave him deep inside.
And when he could feel it coursing through him he finally found the words he wanted to say.
"The place I went to in my head to stop the pain, it was her. I kept thinking about her smile. Now I can't think of it without seeing her walk away from me, leaving me there."
Callen didn't say anything, just sat and listened to Deeks talk. He knew that Kensi was a big part of Deeks' problems, the betrayal he felt by her, by his partner, by the one Callen was pretty sure Deeks had once had more than just friendly feelings for. So he didn't say anything and just waited for what next Deeks wanted to say. This wasn't about defending others, or talking about what went wrong, this was about letting Deeks put words to what he was feeling inside.
"The pain. I've never felt anything like it, and I thought I'd taken some shit from my dad. But that was nothing to having someone drill through… having someone do that. But it was delayed you know?" Deeks asked humourlessly, not that he was expecting a response. In fact he had forgotten Callen was even there, he was so far into the memories, to thinking through it. So deep into finally letting himself remember it all in this place where he felt safe for the first time since it had happened. Remember it all now he had washed himself clean with his own tears.
"I remember coming to, tied to a chair. I could see Sam through the door in front of me, and I was so glad that he was alive. I'd had to perform CPR to bring him back. For one second I was happy that at least we were together. That there was still a chance of both of us getting out of there alive. If you're still breathing you can still fight. I remember Ray telling me that once, when he gave me a gun. As long as your still breathing there is a chance, there is always something you can do…" At that Deeks trailed off looking off into the distance but not seeing what was in front of him. No he was seeing himself at eleven holding a gun for the first time and pointing it at his dad. Saw himself pulling the trigger with the last of his strength to stop that man from causing any more harm to him and his mom.
Callen didn't know when Ray had given Deeks a gun, but that didn't matter now. So again he said nothing and just gently moved Deeks hair away from his cheek with his nose, so he could rest his own against the younger mans, giving him what he hoped was comfort against what was obviously a painful memory.
The feel of his hair moving brought Deeks back to the here and now, or at least to the memories he had been thinking about before he thought of Ray. As such he continued in a helpless tone of voice. "But not this time. No this time I had to sit there and watch as they tortured Sam, ran electrical currents through the chair he sat on. I couldn't hear anything, but I could see. I saw his strength then. The true strength he has inside…" the strength I don't have, Deeks thought before it raised another memory in his mind. One he knew he would have to force himself to put words to. He needed to say it all, face it all. As such he was whispering as he said "I watched and I remember thinking briefly how glad I was it wasn't me. God I hate myself for letting that thought into my head even if it was only for a second. I will never be able to make it up to Sam for thinking that. Never…"
Callen heard those words and wanted nothing more than to comfort the other man. Because he knew Deeks wouldn't be the first or the last to think them. No one could blame him for that. No one is selfless enough to not feel a small portion of relief at knowing they are not the one being tortured, even if any in their profession hate themselves every time they did. It was part of the job, part of who they were, one of the things they were trained to deal with. Not that Deeks had had that training. He was a cop who had been put into a situation so outside what he was expected to do, but he had survived and he had protected Michelle. He could have done nothing different, and nothing better in Callen's mind. But as much as he wanted to voice these words he knew he couldn't. Not yet, later, he would address them then, but for now he had to sit and listen. To hear all Deeks had to say and give him what strength he could to get through what was to come.
"Then they turned to me. They stopped torturing Sam and came for me instead. I knew what was going to come, and I knew that I couldn't let Sam down, not again. They grabbed me, force my mouth open with… I don't know what but damn it hurt. But then they stopped, asked about Quinn. For a second I wavered, for a second I was too scared to answer no, but then I saw Sam and I knew I could do this. For him I could do it. I had to do this, for him. So I shook my head."
Callen couldn't help but tighten his hold on Deeks as he took a deep breath. He knew what was coming next and he wanted more than anything to protect the younger man from the memories, but he knew he needed this. Needed to talk. So he let him.
"They started drilling. But I didn't feel it straight away. There was a second where I tasted the blood before the pain hit. That second, was one of the worst in my life. Because I knew what was going on, I knew what was happening, and I knew what was coming. When the pain came it drove everything else from my mind, but for that second, everything was crystal clear. I hate that second." Deeks spat out, his body tensing at the memories that were coming to him now. The memories of pain and blood and hands holding his head still so he couldn't move. He found himself shaking his head once more, just so he knew he could. At that movement Callen loosened his hold and moved back from Deeks' cheek. He didn't want him to feel as if he was trapped once more.
"I remember the pain, the taste of blood and the metal biting into my skin as they held me tight. I remember the first scream that was ripped from me. I don't know how many more there were. There was only pain, overwhelming pain, and when I couldn't take it anymore, there was her. Kensi's smile as we shared a joke, Kensi laughing at something I'd said. Kensi was the light I hung onto like it was my last lifeline. It was her that made me able to continue to say no. And then she came and left me there. And it all broke. Everything broke." And with those words the tears once more came as Deeks turned and wrapped himself in Callen's arms, letting him hold him, letting him be the strong one for him then.
Callen said nothing as pulled the younger man closer and once more held him as he cried. Though this time the tears were softer, they were less for the torture he had been through, and more for what he had lost in the process. He said nothing about the guilt coursing through him that Deeks had to go through all that because of him. That was his pain to bear, and he would, gladly. And as Callen held him he made a vow to himself, that Deeks would never go through this pain again. He would never let anything happen to him again. He would never let anyone close enough to torture him again, and he would never lose him like he had Kensi.
It took a while before Deeks came back to himself, and when he did it was to find he was practically curled up in Callen's lap. For a second he wondered if he should be embarrassed, but he couldn't really care about that. So instead of moving away from the man wrapped around him he settled back with his head resting on his shoulder and said the only words he felt he could say right then. "Thank you." what he was thanking him for exactly he wasn't sure. For being there for him right then? Maybe. For listening to him talk? Definitely. For travelling through the night to be at his side? Thank you wasn't words enough for that. Not in Deeks' mind.
"I'll always be here for you, Deeks." Callen replied softly once more moving Deeks hair with his nose though this time so he could place a sweet gentle kiss upon his forehead. A sign of nothing more than friendship and to show that Deeks would never have to doubt him.
They sat like that, in silence for a long time before Callen felt the younger man was ready for his next question. Was ready to remember what had happened the previous evening without breaking down at what he had been through. "Is that what you're nightmare was about?" He asked carefully.
"Yes… and no. You were there, instead of Sam. They were going to torture you as they had done me but… then there was a crash and it suddenly went dark and I was free. I had to get to you. Free you too. I'm guessing that when I… when I hit Frank." Deeks replied forcing himself to say the words about what he had done.
"Deeks. Frank doesn't blame you for that. He never could. He loves you, crazy as it seems to me." Callen replied smirking a little at the response his words got, though he was glad to see how they caused the twinkle he knew so well to reappear in Deeks' eyes instead of the dark pain-filled look he had since he woke that morning, though it wasn't gone completely, and Callen knew it wouldn't be for a long time to come, but he was glad to see a little of the Deeks he cared about come back to him.
"Hey. Plus I don't think so. He is married Callen, in case that escaped your notice." Deeks responded with a small smile. He knew what Callen was doing, lightening the mood and he appreciated it. It was helping drive out the dark thoughts in his mind, replacing the memories with banter instead of pain, even if he knew they were still there. The box was well and truly broken open and there would be no getting them back inside. But he did feel better at having faced them. At having finally put words to what he had been running from for so long. Having done it once, he knew now, he could do it again when next they invaded his sleeping mind, as long as he had the help of the friend at his side.
"There are other kinds of love, Deeks. Stop being obtuse." Callen replied in a fake stern voice, though he ruined it slightly by chuckling at the roll of Deeks eyes. Yeah, the kid was going to be okay. He had faced what had been haunting him. Faced it head on, and now he could start moving forwards. Start putting it behind him. They both could.
"Hmmm. I'm hungry. Don't suppose you brought any food with you did you?" Deeks asked. He had finished one of the waters while he had been talking, and now his stomach was reminding him he had missed breakfast.
"Do you really think Henry would let me felicitate you missing his breakfast? Seriously?" Callen asked raising one eyebrow, though in truth he was hoping that the younger man would agree to return with him. To talk things out with the other two men. They all needed it in Callen's mind, and he knew it would help Deeks more than anything he could say, if he heard it from Frank himself that he didn't blame him.
"Okay. Point. We'll go down in a bit, yeah?" Deeks replied understanding what Callen was really asking without him having to say the words. But he wasn't ready just yet to return. Not yet ready to face the others. So instead he settled himself in a comfortable position in Callen's arms, leaning back against him once more as he rested his head on his shoulder and stared out at the ocean beyond. Yeah, he wanted to stay here just a little longer, knowing he was safe in Callen's arms and that the other man would give him the time he needed to find his peace once more.