'Hang on Doc… Didn't you just get blood yesterday?' Sheppard narrowed his eyes in mistrust.

'Yes, but that's not why I asked you in here.' Carson crossed his arms over his chest. John noticed that the Doctor seemed irked.

'Oh?' John cocked his head ever so slightly, curious.

'I'm not sure you and I have the same understanding of what 'stable environment' means.'

'It means… to keep things the same?' Sheppard looked confused.

'It means to create an environment in which things are stable. Y'know calm, serene or dare I say… peaceful.'

'Ah I can see where you went wrong,' Sheppard nodded.

'Where I went wrong?' Carson's disbelief made his voice reach a slightly higher pitch.

'Yes.'

'How on earth is lobbing food at Rodney the moment he wakes up and berating him 'stable' exactly?'

'Oh berate is a strong word, I think I was more annoying, dare I say… aggravating?' John mimicked Carson's phrasing and enjoyed the look of frustration that crossed the Doc's face.

'Who cares what you'd call it, it's hardly conducive to a relaxing environment where he can recover, is it?'

'Actually, I think you are wrong. Heightmeyer said to keep things stable, the same. If I'd been anything other than my normal charming self, don't you think it would worry him? He'd freak out.' It really could be a no-win situation with McKay, he'd freak if you said nothing too, and it was all about finding the right balance.

Carson blinked and thought about it.

'McKay is going to notice if I try to 'handle' him. Imagine his reaction if I was 'concerned',' added Sheppard.

'Aye… well, you might have a point,' Carson conceded. 'Right well, I'll have that blood sample while you are here.'

John held out his arm and allowed Beckett to take yet more blood. Whatever was in that plant sap it had done an excellent job of healing him, was it really so wrong to hope that there were no side effects? Well, perhaps not wrong exactly, but he hoped anyway. Sheppard rubbed his arm and looked slightly resentful.

'I really hope that's the last blood sample you need.'

'Given what you've been through, we've not even begun.'

'Can you be less wasteful with it, I'm quite attached to it.'

'Go on, away with you. Go eat. A light meal, mind you,' Carson waved him away. 'And come back if there are any unusual symptoms or pain of any kind,' He shouted after John.

Sheppard walked back through and immediately saw that Rodney was gone. He felt the hair on his forearms prickle up in apprehension.

'McKay? McKay!' Sheppard walked around the bed and circled the immediate vicinity. There was no Rodney. He walked back through to Carson.

'Did you arrange for McKay to go somewhere?'

'No, why?'

'He's not in the infirmary anymore.'

'What…' Carson jumped up and looked in the exact same places. 'Well, he can't have gone far.'

'I'll have a look outside,' said Sheppard.

John stepped outside the medical unit and looked around. If he were Rodney, where would he go: the mess, his quarters? Sheppard questioned his handling of McKay, was he off on that, did the Doc have it right? He frowned, hesitating on the next move doubting his method. He didn't want to start running off in the wrong direction. He kept to the general area and asked a few people if they'd seen Rodney, only one had seen him briefly. John jogged in that direction and immediately regretted it. The searing pain in his middle indicated that running was a very bad idea. He slowed down and walked quickly instead, ignoring the twinges that now occurred through his efforts. Looking around he could see a balcony area open, unusual but he supposed Rodney could be outside.

Sheppard walked through the doorway and into the present morning sun. Shielding his eyes, he looked up and down the walkway. Turning away John nearly missed a lone figure standing at the end of the far walkway. It really wasn't the safest place to be standing. Ignoring his now nagging pain, John made his way over as quickly as possible. He could see it was Rodney. He seemed to be leaning on the rail and staring down into the water. McKay wasn't really much for meditative walks in the morning sunshine, more a hunched-over thinking bathed in the light of a computer monitor at three in the morning, sort of person. John could see his body language was tense, which was normal, but every now and then Rodney took an overly deep breath and let it go raggedly. There was the quiet too. Rodney talked to himself all the time, whether people were there to listen or not. These were McKay warning signs as far as John was concerned.

John walked up behind him and made enough noise so that McKay would know he was there. The last thing he wanted to do was make him jump.

'Watcha doing, McKay?' Sheppard tried to sound casual as possible hoping to keep everything nice and calm.

'Enjoying not being cooped up in the infirmary,' he replied. Rodney did not look at John but rather kept looking down to the water.

'You know, you kinda gave the doc a scare.'

'I did?' He seemed vaguely surprised.

'Yeah, I mean I wasn't worried, but you know Carson…'

'Yeah.'

Sheppard stepped forward so that he was standing next to McKay. Rodney didn't glance in his direction at all. He seemed a little spaced out.

'Are you feeling ok, Rodney?'

McKay looked at him, opened his mouth to say something but shut it, and just shook his head. Sheppard felt a little helpless and he didn't like that feeling at all. This sort of thing was a little outside his remit. He felt ill-prepared to deal with his own feelings let alone other peoples. But he did want to help; perhaps he could persuade Rodney back.

'You wanna go back to medical?'

'Not really.'

'You know Doctor Heightmeyer might be available?'

McKay looked at John now in disbelief. John shrugged and smiled acknowledging that it was a long shot.

'Well, I just thought if you weren't feeling yourself talking to someone might help?'

'I just wanted to look at the water,' McKay said looking back down into the sea.

'Any particular reason?' John kept his question calm but his own sense of unease was growing.

'I keep dreaming about drowning or other people drowning.' Sheppard winced but said nothing. 'I've dreamt weird things before but this was…' He trailed off unable to finish the sentence.

'You know it's not outside the realms of reality that some of what you saw… fucked you up a bit?' Sheppard put his hand on Rodney's shoulder. 'It could be sensible to try and sort through what happened to make sense of it.'

McKay nodded slightly and took another deep breath. As he let the breath go, John felt it catch and shudder slightly.

'I have this feeling, John, here,' Rodney pointed at his chest, 'that won't go away and the only thing that lightens it at all is the thought of going back. Does that mean the entity has a hold of me somehow? Am I in control? What if it makes me do something I don't want to do?' McKay's tone rose in pitch alongside his rising panic. John squeezed Rodney's shoulder to try to calm him.

'Whoa, whoa calm down. It's clearly not in control of you okay?' Sheppard didn't know anything of the sort but it's what seemed to be the case. 'Everything about it and how it helped us doesn't suggest it would do that. It showed me how desperate it was but if control was something it could do, it would have done it already, before we left.'

'But didn't it try to control me when we left?'

'Did it? Think about it, Rodney; think about what it showed you? Was it an attack, did you lose control of yourself?'

'It showed me, people, people dying.'

'It did?'

'Yes, it wanted me to stay. The need to stay wasn't forced but just so hard to ignore. The feeling was so desperate, beseeching, begging…' McKay broke off and looked away from Sheppard hiding his face. He bent over and clutched his chest, breathing rapidly.

'We need to get you back to the infirmary.' Sheppard hooked his arm around McKay and tried to help him stand up.

'I'm fine, I'm fine…'

'You most certainly are not, Rodney.'

'Just give me a moment.'

Sheppard stood holding McKay while he breathed in and out slowly. The rise and fall of each breath came slower and more regular. John knew some things about shock and he could see that Rodney was not over his yet. The body was still processing memories as if they were physically happening as part of the fight or flight response. It might take a few days or maybe months depending on the person. Ever longer sometimes. Sheppard felt guilty. Rodney had pushed himself a long way to saving him, perhaps too far. An uncomfortable truth reared its head. Would Rodney have tried so damn hard if Sheppard had not shouted at him weeks before? Would he have tried so hard if John hadn't kissed him? John took that feeling and shoved it down with the rest of the emotions he'd earmarked for later consideration. Much later.

'You must think I'm so weak.'

'What?' Irritation rose and Sheppard held McKay out in front of him his hands gripping the tops of Rodney's arms. He tried not to shout but he really wanted Rodney to know that's the opposite of what he felt. 'You stop that right now. You hear me? You are paying the price for being strong, Rodney, not for being weak. You exhausted yourself, mentally and physically, you expended everything you had to save my life.'

The big blue eyes looked straight into his and John saw a dawning realisation in McKay. His eyes looked all the brighter for the unshed tears that threatened to tumble but somehow did not.

'I saved your life.'

'You did.'

'You didn't die.'

'I didn't.'

McKay smiled at John. An expression of such sheer joy that John himself could not help but smile with him. Then John felt it, like before on the station, a moment of electricity that seemed to pass through them both. He could act on it if he wanted too and his bodily responses told him he most definitely did want too. But… the words 'stable environment' stood out in his mind. This wasn't like before; McKay was in a vulnerable place. It wouldn't be right. Sheppard was aware he'd leant in close so he redirected the action into a hug, one that Rodney responded to warmly by hugging Sheppard back. John didn't know why, but he was always surprised when Rodney reciprocated.

'You know I haven't said thank you…' said John, breaking the silence.

'For what?' Rodney pulled back far enough to see John's face. He looked genuinely surprised.

'For what he says… for saving my life obviously.'

'Oh, you'd have done the same for me. You did actually, so I should be thanking you,' McKay nodded seeming more McKay-like. John was extremely aware of how close they were physically.

'It's my job to do that, Rodney, not yours.'

'Well, I wasn't going to let you die; I'd never hear the end of it.'

'That's true,' said Sheppard. The silence after lingered as they just looked at each other. Those azure eyes just seemed to bore right through him. The electricity hadn't let up at all.

It took great effort to break the embrace and John smiled at Rodney as he did so. But then he found himself reaching up and cupping Rodney's cheek with one hand.

'You're going to be ok. It might not feel that way right now, but you will soon.'

'You promise?'

'Of course.'

Sheppard withdrew his hand and looked back down the walkway. He needed to break eye contact so he could have rational thought.

'We should go back, Carson will be sending out a team.'

'John?' McKay's voice sounded uncertain and Sheppard turned back to face him.

'Yes?' There was a long pause and Rodney seemed to struggle to say what he wanted to say.

'I just… well, I er…' McKay suddenly looked like he wished he hadn't said anything at all. 'Look, I just wanted to say I'm glad you're not dead.'

'Well, that makes two of us, Rodney.'

'It would ruin the team dynamic and I would hate to have to break in a new team leader.'

Sheppard grinned. The old McKay was creeping back in, good.

'Come on, Rodney; let's go put Carson's mind at rest.'

They walked back into the infirmary and saw Lorne and Weir both talking with Doctor Beckett. Lorne had a bruised cheek with some lovely purple-blue hues. Weir and Carson seemed relieved to see them.

'Ah you are back, everything okay?' asked Carson.

'All good,' said Sheppard, 'Just needed a bit of fresh sea air.'

'I can see you are feeling better, Sheppard,' said Lorne.

'I am feeling better, thanks for noticing. Did a Wraith manage to get by you?' Sheppard points to the bruising on Lorne's face. Lorne touched his face self-consciously and glanced at McKay.

'No, McKay did,' said Lorne.

Sheppard laughed, but no one else did.

'You're kidding?' Sheppard looked at McKay who seemed to be just as confused as he did.

'No I'm not. Do you think I would kid about that?'

'I don't remember doing that,' Rodney was horrified. 'I'm sorry.'

'Actually, it's part of the reason I'm here. There was a lot of confusion getting out of that place, some things were said, and done that perhaps, in hindsight, could have been done better. I lost my temper with you, McKay, when I really shouldn't have. I apologise for that.'

'Well, to be fair I can see how hitting you would be aggravating,' said Rodney.

'It's not just that… it's… well, I got it wrong, didn't I? If you'd done as I ordered Sheppard would be dead.' Lorne shrugged, he seemed a little deflated.

'It's not that simple, is it? I think it is easy to look back over what happened, with all the knowledge after the fact and think about what you should have done. Out here in Atlantis, the rules have to be a bit flexible on occasion. You do what you can, with what you have at the time and make the best call you can in the moment. You are all here, alive. That's a win. Our survival out here depends on us, no-one else,' said Weir.

'Well, I for one am grateful that I'm alive.' Sheppard looked Rodney in the eye when he said 'I'm alive'. He held McKay's gaze with a small smile and Rodney smiled back. 'I think we take the win and move on from here. But we are going back, right?' Sheppard looked to Weir.

'We've tried to dial the gate but it's not responding,' said Weir.

Rodney snapped his head in Weir's direction.

'What do you mean it won't dial?'

'The connection is lost; the problem is coming from the other end,' said Weir.

McKay put a hand on his chest and took a deep breath.

'I'm sorry, Rodney, I know you wanted to go back,' said Weir.

'It wasn't just a matter of going back for the tech, which would've been invaluable, it was the entity I wanted to help,' said McKay.

'I understand and it's not as if we are giving up, we can dial at different times. You never know with these sorts of things.'

'Are you okay, Rodney?' asked Carson.

'Yes… It just makes me feel incredibly sad, that's all.'

'Well, I've asked Doctor Heightmeyer to have a chat with both of you. You seem compos mentis but I'd feel better knowing you are both checked out,' said Weir.

Both McKay and Sheppard nodded slowly.

'Such enthusiasm. Also, Ronon and Teyla were looking for you both. They came back from breakfast to find you'd gone for a walk,' finished Weir.

Sheppard watched as Weir and Lorne left; he looked over at McKay. An idea was starting to form in his mind, a way to help Rodney. He'd need Ronon and Teyla too. He knew they would help the trick was persuading Heightmeyer. John smirked, he'd also get off his session with Heightmeyer if he played his cards right.

xxx

Heightmeyer sat in front of Sheppard, McKay, Teyla, and Ronon, and took a moment to allow the situation to sink in. Only Ronon stood, slightly to one side and between herself and the others, pacing like a caged lion. She felt duped somehow, but she wasn't quite sure how that was happening. Sheppard was smirking, which was her first clue.

'So let me get this absolutely clear. John, you are here because I asked you to be here,' Sheppard nodded, 'and Rodney is here because he wants help too and Teyla is here because there might be some trauma due to the link with an Alien mind, which Teyla might be able to help with, is that right?'

'Yes,' said Sheppard.

'And Ronon is here because?' She looked up at him for an explanation.

'In case little man here loses his shit again,' Ronon smirked and flipped his gun in his hand. Heightmeyer frowned.

'Oh don't worry his gun is set to lullaby,' said Sheppard.

'That's reassuring,' said Heightmeyer seemingly unassured. 'Well, it's a bit unorthodox but then out here in Pegasus I am starting to fully understand that's normal. If nobody minds then I see no reason why we can't have… a group session I suppose. Doctor Beckett knows you are here right?'

'Yes, he requested you contact him after to 'share notes' with you,' said Teyla.

'Well, let's get started. Where would you like to start? John?' Heightmeyer picked Sheppard first because she was sure he was trying to avoid having an assessment.

'McKay's been seeing drowning people.' Sheppard pointed at Rodney for clarification.

McKay gapped at Sheppard in utter disbelief at the betrayal.

'I have not been seeing drowning people,' said McKay. 'I've just been dreaming about them.' He crossed his arms defensively and gave Sheppard evils from aside.

'That's horrible,' said Heightmeyer.

'Yes, it is particularly unpleasant,' said McKay.

'Why do you think you are dreaming about them?'

'I'm not sure,' replied McKay.

'Sometimes our minds use dreaming to help us work something out that we are not consciously aware. It is a starting point if nothing else. What exactly do you see in the dream?'

'Before the drowning, the people are in the arboretum, happy. Kids playing that sort of thing,' McKay explained.

'Arboretum?' asked Teyla.

'On the planet, we came from, there seemed to be a number of large growing areas. Completely out of control and wild really.'

'Ok, what happens after that?' asked Heightmeyer.

'While they are playing and happy the smell of the decay from the arboretum in the future overwhelms everything else and then they are drowning, grabbing at me trying to pull me under with them.'

'In the future?'

'Well, Sheppard and I went through one, which was overgrown, but it smelled fine, I guess. It was the other one that was rank.'

'Rodney, does the smell mean anything else to you?' asked Heightmeyer.

'What do you mean?'

'Any one of our senses can stimulate a memory, like smell for example. Does it specifically remind you of anything?'

'Yes, when I was trapped in the under part of the Sarlacc.'

'Sarlacc, Rodney? Really?' questioned Sheppard.

'Can you think of a better name for something that slowly digests its trapped prey underground?'

'Uh… I guess not,' replied Sheppard, 'it does conjure a certain unpleasant scenario.'

'Well, Major Maladroit, it was pretty damn unpleasant,' sniped McKay.

'Hey now… no need for - what I am going to assume was an insult - name-calling,' said Sheppard.

'So what does that decaying odour have to do with children playing in the arboretum?' asked Heightmeyer.

'I don't know,' said McKay, 'I mean there were bodies down there in various states of decay, all clearly being down there a very long time. There were a lot of bones and skeletal remains; I mean that's what I was walking on for the most part whilst I was down there.'

'You were surrounded by human remains?' asked Heightmeyer her eyes widening a little.

'Yes,' McKay answered.

There was a moment of quiet where the words sunk in.

'How did you get out of there?'

'I climbed out,' McKay looked down and away from Heightmeyer's gaze. There was something in that, in his escape. Shame possibly? It needed probing.

'Rodney, walk me through the process of escape,' asked Heightmeyer.

McKay looked uncomfortable and took a deep breath before he spoke.

'I used what I had to hand and I found somebody else had tried to escape by creating a ladder, so I used the vines and… other things that were around.'

'Other things?'

'Bones, femur bones to be precise. Did you know that on average a femur could take around four thousand Newton's of force before it breaks? In layman's terms, that's about four hundred kilos of weight. Plus when you tie them in pairs, their strength capability is multiplied. You have to consider the compound strength and the overall weight distribution too. Length is varied of course, some being a little too… a little too…' Rodney held his hands out and looked at them as though something was there that no one else could see.

'Rodney?'

'Er… Short. A little too short… too short. They were too short.' McKay was starting to shake and his hands trembled. He'd triggered some distant connection and now it was finding its way to the surface of his thoughts.

Heightmeyer sat forward concerned for McKay; she glanced briefly at Sheppard and saw that he was no longer jovial but frowning.

'Rodney, you've realised something or made a connection, follow it through find the information your mind is trying to tell you.'

McKay looked up eyes angry and emotive.

'I discarded the smaller ones because the bigger ones were stronger. I ran the math repeatedly in my head. I concentrated on Newton's, on force, and on mass. I considered whether the vines would shred under my weight. I concentrated on not panicking and on the fact that if I failed John would die. So I just used the math to focus on the problem and nothing else. All the while I ignored what was right in front of me.'

'What was that?' asked Heightmeyer.

'The small ones… they were the bones of children.'

'Oh Rodney,' said Teyla and she took his hand and squeezed. Teyla glanced around meeting eyes with everyone in the room.

Heightmeyer felt sick to her stomach and struggled to find the next thing to say that would somehow help. Luckily, she didn't have too.

'You did what you had to, McKay, surviving can be tough,' said Ronon. 'The Wraith did that to us, forced us to survive in ways we never imagined, but we owe it to the people who died trying to live.'

'Ronon's right, Rodney, you must not dwell on such horrors we owe it to those who tried before us, even if they failed. If you had not, you and John would not be sitting here now.'

Rodney nodded and was quiet for a moment as he reflected. Heightmeyer could see how this group supported each other. They were so different from one another but their sames were… well, the same. She could see that Ronon was slightly impressed with Rodney's resolve and Teyla clearly felt the horror with McKay, but she channelled it into strength. Sheppard looked pained and Heightmeyer was sure he'd be feeling some sort of guilt, after all, Rodney pushed himself to save Sheppard. Rodney broke the silence.

'There was a Wraith down there too.' Everyone looked surprised.

'You didn't mention that before,' said Sheppard.

'No, I didn't. I don't know why, I mean I haven't filed a report yet or anything, but yeah it was down there.'

'How did you survive it?' asked Ronon.

'It was badly injured from the fall and the brown goo stopped it from healing. The goo has a side effect when it hits an open wound. It causes extreme pain, which the Wraith was clearly in; it begged me to kill it.'

'Did you?' asked Heightmeyer.

'I wouldn't have,' said Ronon.

'I refused to at first. I asked questions. Their scout ship had been destroyed by the planet's defences and they got in somehow, but I didn't think to ask where.'

'Did you kill it?' asked Teyla.

'Yes,' said McKay.

Teyla then touched her comm and appeared to be listening to someone. Heightmeyer saw that Teyla and Ronon were the only ones in the room that had them. Sheppard and McKay were lacking theirs.

'Understood, Doctor,' Teyla tapped the comm again and looked to Heightmeyer. 'Doctor Beckett would like his patient's back he says he needs to finish some tests.'

'Of course. Rodney I would like you to come and speak with me tomorrow if you can?' McKay nodded without objection. They started to stand and clear out but Heightmeyer added, 'John if I could have a moment with you?' Sheppard looked disappointed and Heightmeyer could not help but smile slightly.

'We'll wait outside for you,' said Teyla.

'Nah, it's fine, I'll catch up.' Sheppard waved her off and they left with Rodney.

'John…'

'I know, I know… I should have come alone.'

'Don't presume to know what I'm going to say.' Sheppard looked at her slightly shocked.

'Sorry… I just thought, I dunno…'

'Why are you taking a burden of guilt over what's happened?'

'What? I'm not.' Sheppard immediately crossed his arms over his chest.

'John, I can see that you are blaming yourself in some way, why?' She watched him closely, knowing that he would evade direct questions if they caused discomfort. His body language would tell her more than he would. Right now, it was defensive.

'I just said I'm not.' A lie. Aggressive denial probably meant she'd hit the right spot.

'Rodney chose to do the things he did, with or without your influence, he still had to make the choice himself.'

'I know.'

'You should have died from all accounts.'

Sheppard blinked at her and she saw his face harden slightly. He clearly didn't want to think about that too much. She didn't really blame him.

'And yet I am alive… just another day in the Pegasus galaxy.' The blasé attitude was another defence. Time to cut through that.

'How did that make you feel?'

John clenched his jaw and looked away.

'It felt pretty shitty at the time.'

'And after when you realised you'd survived?'

'Considerably less shitty.'

'John…'

'I don't know what you want from me here? Was it crappy feeling as if I was dying, absolutely. I'm not going to dwell on that because here I am, thinking, breathing and alive. Honestly? I was surprised, just plain surprised.'

'Why?'

'I got taken down and I wasn't getting back up again.'

'Did you not think for a moment that Rodney could save you?'

'No.'

'Not at all?'

'I said no, didn't I?'

'Ah, okay I think I understand.'

'What is it you think you understand? It's very easy to sit here and judge somebodies actions without truly knowing what it's actually like to be out there in the theatre of war.'

'If you want to know what I think I will tell you.'

'Enlighten me.' His voice had an edge of sarcasm.

'I think you accepted death and I think you accepted it because you thought McKay wasn't capable of saving you.'

Sheppard's arms relaxed a little although still crossed defensively and he stared at Heightmeyer.

'Go on…' said Sheppard quietly.

'I believe, in the moment, you expected McKay to die too.'

Sheppard quietly nodded agreement.

'You underestimated him. Don't get me wrong here, we both know he's a genius, but the physical and military side of things aren't his strong points. He has saved many lives before, but not like this. And I have to say from my perspective I have wondered why he would do such a thing? He broke protocol many times, by leaving you, going off on his own, giving you untested medicine. All very un-McKay-like things to do.'

'Why do you think he did it?' asked Sheppard. Heightmeyer could see there was something behind the question; she could see it in John's eyes. Sheppard clearly thought he knew why but wanted confirmation.

'I think he admires you greatly.' Heightmeyer was rewarded with surprise, clearly not something John had considered. 'Why do you think he did it?'

'It could be because four weeks ago I chewed him out and told him he was a 'perpetual caterpillar' who didn't evolve and a 'walking brain with no redeemable features'?'

Heightmeyer blinked in surprise.

'You said that to him?'

'Yeah… I did.' Sheppard at least had the good grace to look ashamed of what he'd said. His arms dropped down from the crossed position; at least he was relaxing a little.

'Why did you say that to him? What's the context?'

'I was frustrated with him. He'd have these moments where he'd actually think of someone other than himself, but then he'd just go back to being… you know, McKay.'

'So you were disappointed in him?'

'Yeah, I guess a little.'

'Why?'

'Because he'd shown he could be more, you know.'

'Be more?'

'Be more, be better, do better.'

'So you felt he wasn't living up to his potential?'

'Yes. It's like he'd given a glimpse of light and then shut the curtain.'

'So you reacted in anger and said some hurtful things?'

'Yeah.'

'Did you consider that perhaps you did that because it hurt you to be shut out?'

'No.'

'Or that he might feel vulnerable himself and feel the need to withdraw to protect himself?'

'No.'

'Or that sometimes he does these things to impress you?'

'No, why would he?' Heightmeyer gave John a look as if to say really.

'As I already said, he admires you, looks up to you.'

'Well, I'd like to think we are becoming friends.' Sheppard paused then added, 'Don't tell him I said that.'

'So you're not actually surprised you are alive.'

'I'm not?'

'No. I think you are genuinely surprised that McKay saved you.'

'I don't see how that makes any difference to actually being alive, in the here and now.'

'It makes all the difference in the world, John.'

'Am I going to regret it if I ask how it makes a difference?'

'Maybe. Or maybe you'll learn something.'

Sheppard sighed.

'How?'

'Because deep down, under that visage of nonchalance you sport, you know you had no faith in him whatsoever.'

Sheppard's brows furrowed deeply and he looked down.

'And despite your lack of faith in him, his belief in you never wavered.'

Sheppard didn't say anything and he didn't need too. Again, his body language spoke for him his head lulled, as he looked down, his shoulders still tense.

'You know, the entity showed me things too.'

'I do know that, although I don't know what it showed you.'

'It showed me, Rodney.'

'What was Rodney doing?'

'Talking to me while I was unconscious. It's a bit creepy that it watches everyone the whole time.'

'What did he say?'

'If I tell you, you are going to have to promise not to be smug.'

'I can make that promise, not sure I can keep it though.'

Sheppard smiled.

'Fair enough. He said, "I have to try… I know you would" before deciding to go off and rummage around in, what can only be described as, garbage water and bones.'

'How does that make you feel?'

'Well, you seem to think it makes me feel guilty.'

'Does it?'

'That he did all that to save me because he thought it's what I would do?'

'Yes.'

'No, that doesn't make me feel guilty, not at all.'

Heightmeyer squinted at Sheppard, looking for the lie and not finding it. She was confused had she really read him so wrong.

'What does it make you feel?'

'Proud.'

'Proud?'

'Yep.'

'Want to elaborate?'

'If I said no…'

Heightmeyer cocked her head indicating no wasn't an option.

'I'm so proud of him.'

'But?'

'There wasn't a but.'

'It was implied.'

'Was it?'

'John.'

'The guilt you're so sure I feel doesn't come from him risking his life for me. It comes from the fact that I made a mistake and we were ambushed. I should never have put him in the position where he had to do that.'

'That could've happened to anyone.'

'I know that. I didn't say it was rational.'

'You underestimated Rodney.'

'Yes.'

'Or something changed.'

'What do you mean?'

'Perhaps Rodney has always been this way or maybe something else changed to motivate him.'

'Or both.'

'John?'

'That he's always been this person and I just didn't see it and something changed.'

'What changed?'

'I did.'

Sheppard stood and looked at Heightmeyer.

'Thanks, Doc.' He walked across the room, opened the door and left, leaving Heightmeyer staring at the space he'd vacated. Somehow, she felt that John had learned far more than she would ever know.

'You're most welcome, John,' she said to the empty couch.

…