That night, he was in the guest room, laying in bed, unable to sleep. He should leave. Leave now, in the middle of the night, without saying goodbye. Without giving her a chance to tell him to leave. It'd be easiest to just slip away, to avoid the humiliation. It'd be for the best.

He'd just about determined to do it when there was a soft knock at the door.

He sat up just as the door opened and Marissa stepped inside.

Silently, she closed the door behind her, then stood with her back to it. She was in her pajamas, her hair flowing loosely over her shoulders. Without a word, she crossed the room to the bed.

"Come to ask me to leave?"

"No." She sat on the edge. The moonlight softly lit her face. "I have questions."

He nodded and leaned against the headboard. "Very well."

"You were a Death Eater. And highly enough placed to have You-Know-Who's ear. Why aren't you in Azkaban?"

He swallowed. "When I realized what the Dark Lord believed, what he would do, I went to Dumbledore. I told him what would happen. I became his spy. He spoke for me at my trial."

She winced but nodded. "Would you do it again?"

He frowned, bewildered. "Tell the Dark Lord…"

"Become a Death Eater, stupid man. If you knew then what you do now…"

"No." Severus let out a great sigh and shook his head. "No. And not just because of Lily, nor because the Dark Lord lost. None of it was worth anything. The connections, the power… it was hollow. I never had any real respect or power. I was a tool, nothing more."

"Lost your ambition?"

He thought a moment before shaking his head. "I still want more from life, but recognize it is out of my reach."

"But why? Severus, you're not a teacher. You hate it. It makes you miserable. Why not leave and…"

"I cannot. And I cannot tell you why, Marissa," he said quietly. He shook his head.

She sighed and gazed into the darkness.

"I should not have come. I was determined not to write back to you. And then I got your last letter. I just didn't think, I simply acted."

Marissa closed her eyes. "I don't need you protecting me from you. I'd rather know it all that be ignorant."

"Yes, but had I simply not written, your illusions would not now be shattered."

"Oh, darling," she sighed. Opening her eyes, she turned to him. "It's a mere crack. It can be repaired."

"You cannot be serious," he said, even as his heart rose.

She made a noise deep in her throat. After a moment, she turned and crawled onto the bed. And on top of him, straddling him. "I believe when you say you don't hate Muggles. You're harsh and can be cruel, but I never saw you single out a student because of their birth."

"I was a Death Eater."

"And now you're not. And you wouldn't be again. People make mistakes. It's what they do to fix those mistakes that's important."

"And what have I done? Taken a job I hate, terrorized children for their natural ignorance, and brewed a few potions. And now, to top it all off, I am in bed with one of my students."

"Former student. And you went to the Headmaster."

"To save Lily."

She lifted her shoulders. "It's a start. I'm not saying I think what you did was understandable. And that I won't leave you if I see you traveling down that path again. But…" Marissa sighed and put her hands on his chest. "Maybe I'm crazy, but I find I still want you."

He closed his eyes. "Marissa…"

"No. I'm tired of your paltry excuses. You've said I'm too young. That I was your student. That you're a bad person. That you hurt those you love. None of those are…" She fell silent, then said, "Tell me plainly. Do you want me? Or not?"

Severus opened his eyes again.

She was gazing at him, eyes wide and clear. There was a hint of resignation and fear in her face. She was clearly braced for his rejection.

Severus opened his mouth to do just that. To end this charade and be free once more. Back to his lonely life. To isolation. To having the only joy denied him.

"I… I…" He couldn't do it.

Instead, his treacherous hand reached up to cup her cheek. His thumb traced her lips. "Foolish girl. This will end badly."

She smiled and turned her face into his hand to kiss his palm. "No. It won't.

He smiled, exasperation warring with fondness and relief. "Optimistic youth."

Marissa laughed. "How old are you, exactly?"

"Thirty-one."

"Oh, yes, you're ancient." She leaned down, hair curtaining Severus. Her lips were warm and full. Soft.

He sighed against them. When they broke apart, he said, "I'm not used to wanting. When she died, I vowed not to want again."

"That's no way to live."

"It's what I deserve."

She looked sad. "Severus, you made a dreadful mistake with catastrophic consequences. But would Lily want…"

"Lily is dead. Because of me."

"Because of the Dark One."

He squeezed his eyes shut. "I do not deserve to have someone like you in my life."

Marissa stroked his hair away from his face. "Then we are at an impasse, for I don't deserve to be denied what I want."

He snorted and opened his eyes.

"Let me love you. Don't worry about if you deserve it."

"You don't love me."

"But I am fond of you. I like you very much." Her hand trailed down his face to his neck. "I desire you."

A shiver went through him.

Her mouth curved into a smile. "What about you? Do you desire me?" She moved her shoulder, which allowed the strap of her pajamas to slip down.

Mouth dry, he reached out and readjusted it. "Don't be stupid. Of course I do."

Her smile blossomed into a grin, a blush coloring her cheeks. She leaned down and kissed him.

He welcomed it. This time, he threaded his fingers in her hair, feeling the silky strands. When she deepened the kiss, he allowed it, opening his mouth. The touch of her tongue against his sent a wave of desire to him. His fingers tightened in her hair and he pressed up into the kiss.

She let out a soft, shocked sound. Her arms slid around Severus's neck.

Her kisses were soft and sweet. They made Severus's head spin. He couldn't remember it ever being like this. Perhaps if he had ever had the chance with Lily… but considering all his affairs were with other Death Eaters…. Soft and sweet had not been part of the equation.

But this… He was overwhelmed by the feel of her skin and her scent. The way her hair kept getting in his mouth. The quiet sounds she made and the way she kissed him just a touch too hard. A bit too enthusiastically.

This time, when her shoulder strap fell, instead of readjusting it, he kissed the bare skin. Scraped his teeth over her skin before biting gently.

She laughed. "They used to call you a vampire at school," she said in between kisses.

He nipped at her neck. "If you tell anyone…"

"Wait. I'm allowed to kiss you, but not allowed to tell anyone?" She pulled back. Her lips were pink and swollen, face flushed. "Is this to be a secret?"

"If people knew, they'd shun you."

"Stop trying to protect me. If I want to tell people I'm with the man I'm inordinately fond of, I will. And if they don't like it, then they weren't really friends."

"I haven't the best reputation. I wouldn't want to ruin yours."

She settled back on his lap. Took his hand. "Severus, I'm not going to pretend. My reputation will stand on its own and, if it doesn't, I'll forge ahead anyway. Everyone in school knew I was spending time with you, and I still had friends. I even managed to have a boyfriend. People in the program know I've been writing you. They think it odd but say nothing more. I think you're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be."

Severus threaded their fingers together. "Will you forgive me if I don't announce to the Hogwarts staff that I am embarking on a relationship with you?"

"I'd understand it if you didn't tell anyone now. We're still just getting to know each other. And I never go the sense you had friends on the staff. But if circumstances change… if we were to become serious…"

"I don't…" He closed his eyes. "I don't think I can marry you, Marissa. If that's what you're expecting."

She huffed out a breath. "I don't know that I expect anything. But why not?"

"I cannot explain."

"Why not?"

He squeezed her hand, opening his eyes again. "If circumstances change… if we were to become serious… I will tell you."

"Is that a promise?"

"It is."

"Okay, then." She leaned forward, but he caught her.

"Perhaps… not now." He raised an eyebrow. "We are still just getting to know each other."

She looked annoyed, but, after a long moment, nodded. "Very well. I'll defer to your experience."

He barked a laugh. "Do you imagine that I've had hundreds of relationships with pretty young things?"

She slid off him and settled in bed next to him. "Have you?"

He waited until she was pressed comfortably against him, her chin resting on his shoulder as she gazed up at him. "No," he said, slipping his arm around her shoulder. "I loved Lily, and when she died, there wasn't anyone else."

Marissa raised her eyebrow.

"I've had other women, you impudent girl."

She laughed. "I didn't say anything."

"The look was enough." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "When I was a … a…"

"Death Eater," she supplied.

"Yes. There was no absence of women. We were all seeking power, seeking a way to make connections and climb higher in the ranks. It was tawdry." He glanced at her. "You should be disgusted."

"Stop telling me what I should be feeling. And I am." She frowned and rested her head on his chest. "Have you had a lot of sex?"

He felt a flush creep up his neck. But he forced himself to answer, "Not exactly. Some. I wasn't exactly considered a desirable partner, nor did I find many of the available partners appealing." He cleared his throat. "And you?"

She shook her head.

"Not at all?"

"I wasn't ready before."

He tightened his arm. "And you are now?"

"I'm closer. I was even closer a moment ago," she said, clearly annoyed.

Severus laughed softly. "I'm told it's better if you truly know the other person."

She lifted her head. "And you want to know me? Truly?" She sounded uncertain, possibly for the first time since they'd met.

"Yes," he whispered, tracing her face. "I do."

#

The next morning, Severus woke before her. He opened his eyes to find her nestled in his arms, head resting on his chest, one leg flung over his. For a long moment, he gazed down at her, almost in awe. For the first time in the longest time, he felt… tender. Caring. There was a soft feeling in his chest and a looseness in his body that hadn't been there since before he called Lily a Mudblood all those many years ago.

Marissa didn't remind him of Lily in the slightest bit. Lily had been outgoing and effusive in her cheerfulness. She'd been bubbly and laughed loudly and often. She'd been caring towards other and never kept her brilliance to herself. Severus remember the hours she'd spent tutoring others, trying to help them understand the intricacies of Potions and Transfigurations. She'd been patient and kind and welcoming.

Marissa wasn't like that, not that he'd ever seen. Oh, she was kind and polite and friendly towards others, but she was more reserve. All her smiles seemed to have a private joke at the edge of them, as if she were secretly laughing at the world. In all those days she spent honing her craft, he never saw her reach out to others to help outside of the class. Ravenclaws were notorious for discussing things to death, and he'd overheard her participate in discussions with others about the best way to brew or the meaning of an ancient rune, but she didn't run study sessions to share her knowledge. Marissa was private, introspective, and oh so very confident.

Actually, they had that in common: their confidence. Perhaps they were not unalike after all.

She stirred and opened her eyes. A look of confusion crossed her features until she lifted her head and saw him. A smile curved her lips. "Good morning."

"Good morning."

She sat up and pressed her lips to his. "Did you sleep well?"

"Very well, actually." He stroked his hand down her back. "Have you here suited."

Her smile turned impish. "Good to hear." She sat up and crossed her legs under her as she began finger combing her hair. "Are you staying much longer?"

"Sadly, no. I have to go back."

"Oh." She looked down. "And I return to Egypt."

"We'll write. If you want, we can arrange to fire-call."

"I think I'd like that." She blinked at him, those lovely hazel eyes glowing in the morning light. "Stay for breakfast?"

He nodded.

Edith said nothing when they came downstairs together. They'd parted to dress and wash but had met in the hallway and come down. His hand had hovered at her back, and he pulled out her chair before she could.

Severus wondered what Edith thought. What she would say when he was gone. For now, he only ate breakfast, chatted pleasantly, and enjoyed the last few moments with Marissa.

"Write me often," she said before he apparated.

"Demanding girl. I will write when I have something to say."

She raised an eyebrow and gave him that secret smile. "Then have something to say often."

He shook his head and smile fondly. "You are impossible." He leaned down and kissed her. "I will write you soon. Farewell."

Severus apparated outside the gates of Hogwarts. On seeing the gates, his heart sank, and that tight feeling returned. He should have requested a picture of Marissa before he left. Just something to brighten the dark halls.

He snorted and shook his head. Sentimental rubbish.

Frustrated now, he stalked through the gates and onto the grounds. Students were everywhere, lounging on the grass, walking on paths, flying on brooms. As usual, they scurried out of his way, conversations quieting as he passed.

He'd just entered the castle when Dumbledore happened by.

"Severus, welcome back." He stopped in front of Severus. "I trust everything is well?"

Severus swallowed and nodded. "Yes, Headmaster. And I thank you once again for allowing me time off on such short notice."

"It was no trouble at all, my boy. You have been quite dedicated to your post and have more than earned time off should you need it." He tilted his head. "Might I have a clue as to what happened?"

He tightened his jaw momentarily. "There was a death. A friend's father died. I thought it best to be with them at this time."

Dumbledore's eyes brightened. "Severus, that's wonderful. Not the death, of course. That is sad. But that you've reached out to a friend after being so isolated for so long."

"Don't make it what it's not," he snapped. "I merely offered some support, that's all. Excuse me I need to see what mess my class is in." He stepped around Dumbledore and began striding away.

"I do hope Miss Stevenson wasn't too distraught by her father's passing," Dumbledore said, stopping Severus in his tracks. "It's hard to lose a loved one so young. I'm sure you were a comfort to her."

He turned and looked at Dumbledore in disbelief.

The headmaster only smiled, his eyes twinkling merrily. "Good day, Severus. Good day." He walked away, leaving Severus to curse him silently behind his back.