Hi everyone, Sorry for the delay, life has been getting in the way. But lots happening here to our parents of twins. Tears and banter and a few laughs. Think you're gonna feel happy at the end. Wink, Wink!
Recap:
- Donna and Harvey had to stay at the hospital for a week until the girls were ready to come home.
- Donna has her first cup of coffee in months and it's glorious.
- Harvey runs into Tanner and realizes he's over him and has more important things to think about.
- Harvey confides in Jim Paulsen about his fears of being a father. Jim assures him he'll be great.
The story continues with Donna, Harvey, Isabelle and Ivy, finally at home…
It's four am and Donna sits on the white marble floor of the ensuite bathroom. Her hand muffling her sobs, so Harvey doesn't wake up. She's not even sure why she's crying, but it's been like this for nearly two weeks. A two am feeding, a sudden feeling of being overwhelmed, and then off to the bathroom to cry.
The strangest thing is that there's really nothing to cry about. Izzy and Ivy are growing like weeds, both gaining weight and falling into a nice routine since returning home.
The new nanny, Rosa, puts Mary Poppins to shame. She's affectionate and as calm as ever, not to mention she used to care for triplets, so the twins are a breeze.
As for Harvey, he's been nothing short of the doting father and husband that she knew he'd be. Practically single parenting as she recovers from her C-section. He's been so obsessed with his daughters, it's all he can talk about to her, their friends and the drycleaner down the street.
Izzy might only be two weeks old, but I swear she smiled at me!
Ivy likes it when I bathe her. I can tell.
Do you think they'll miss me when I go back to work?
Harvey has been beaming, and Donna feels the exact opposite. She's not certain when she started feeling this way. But she's been telling herself that keeping two humans alive is the reason. She's also been telling herself to shake it off and to be happy.
This is all she's ever wanted… right?
After a splash of cool water on her skin, Donna scans her expression in the mirror. Her features are familiar, but it's also the face of someone she doesn't recognize. Her gaze is hollow, her skin pale and under her nursing top, her nipples ache... and not in the good way. A solid stare of her tired reflection, and she hardly feels like the fairest of them all.
With the sun soon to rise, Donna tippy-toes back into bed. It's going to be a long day. She and Harvey are meeting Samantha and Marcus for dinner tonight. After nearly a year with Samantha, Marcus has been spending a lot of time in New York. Two weeks ago, he opened Gordon's, a trendy new eatery that's become the talk of the City's restaurant scene.
Slipping under the duvet, Donna keeps her back to Harvey in an effort to contain the heaviness weighing on her. He's taken time away from the office, and it's hardly been a vacation for him. She doesn't need Harvey worrying about her.
As she slowly drifts back to sleep, Donna tries to calm her mind with images of soft skin, tiny feet and angel hair. But then, her mind begins playing tricks, and an overpowering sadness washes over her.
She sees herself alone... but free. And the fact that this solitude excites her is upsetting. Then, there are the twins. Sometimes she resents Ivy for wanting to nurse. And when Isabelle cries, the sound is so piercing, she wants to scream.
Keeping up a positive façade has also been exhausting. Friends have been calling and family has been visiting. Everyone reminding her how fortunate she and Harvey are. A loving partnership and two gorgeous children. Successful careers, a perfect nanny and a beautiful home.
What's not to love about this magical time in our lives? she asks herself.
This only adds to the guilt and resentment building. Donna's always prided herself on being self-aware, but now, she's at a complete loss. Just deciding on which pair of black yoga pants to slip on has become an exhausting, decision-making process.
I'm just tired, she tells herself. Really tired.
Three hours later, it's not the morning light that wakes her but the sensation of Harvey spooning her… and how, for some reason, it's suffocating.
As she shimmies herself away, Harvey instinctively pulls her back, his long breaths indicating he's slowly coming to consciousness.
"Don't go," he sleepily mumbles into her hair. "Just five minutes. I need this."
Curled in a fetal position, under her breath, she huffs, "Needy."
"What do you need?" Harvey groans, half-listening. His body aching for another two hours of sleep. As he presses himself closer, she shifts again.
"Don't." Her arm pushing him back. "You're all over me."
Harvey's eyes jolt themselves open, then quickly squint with the light. Since they've returned home, he's noticed a change in Donna. She's been edgy and stressed. Her body language indicating that she has little patience for anyone or anything.
Harvey assumed this was normal behaviour for a new mother. But now, he senses hostility and even a personality change that's taken him by surprise.
"You ok?" he asks, eyes blinking, as he props himself up on an elbow. His other hand resting at her waist. "I know how tired you are. This is a lot. Rosa will be here soon."
"You're telling me how I feel now?!" It's not the question that shocks him, but her tone.
"I'm not doing that, Donna…" Harvey defends. Furrowing his brow, he looks her over, trying to understand what's happening. He doesn't recognize Donna right now. "What would help? What if we got a second nanny… or we can switch the girls to formula if nursing's too much."
"So three weeks in and you don't think I can handle motherhood? I can't handle feeding my own children?" she spits, her face flushed as she glares at him.
And then the tears begin to flow. Heavy streams streaking her face, until her breathing becomes heavy. Harvey immediately wraps an arm around her, brushes her hair back and kisses her temple.
"It's ok, this is a lot," he assures, drawing her head to rest under his chin.
"Harvey, please… don't…" her voice quivering, as she squirms under his touch. "I need space. I just want to be left alone right now."
Tensing his jaw at Donna's reaction, Harvey's not sure what to do. Does he try to comfort her or does he respect her wishes?
Louis and Mike warned him about the trials of becoming new parents, but neither had mentioned this sudden change in behaviour that he's seeing now.
Is this normal? Harvey sighs to himself, as he rolls out of bed. The second his bare feet hit the floor, the morning symphony begins. Isabelle and Ivy cry for their breakfast, and Donna is back to sobbing.
"We're gonna get through this," Harvey hums, as he runs his fingers through his unkempt hair. "I'll walk them around to give you a few minutes."
As Harvey moves towards the bedside cot, Donna heads for the ensuite, to turn on the shower. The rushing water drowning out the chaos in the bedroom.
Fifteen minutes later, she returns, her wet hair twisted in a towel. Frazzled, Harvey has been pacing the house with the girls. "Sorry…," she says, tightening her white bathrobe, as he steps back into the room. "I'll feed Ivy… if you can keep Izzy for a few more minutes."
Harvey hands over the one infant, while he continues to walk with the other. It's taken every trick in the book to keep the girls from screaming their heads off – soothers, bouncing, jiggling, singing. He's exhausted. All the challenging court cases he's taken on, and he's certain it's these two little girls who are going to bring him to his knees.
As Harvey watches Donna on the bed, he can't help but feel worried. "You know, it's ok, right? That you're not feeling great… maybe it's more than being tired?" There's a hint of caution in his voice, as he broaches the subject.
"Harvey, please stop... I'm fine. I don't need you worrying on top of everything else," she pleads, latching Ivy to her breast. "I just needed a couple of minutes. I know myself."
"I know you do," Harvey placates. But he's not convinced. Not one bit.
XXX
"Harvey, I hear contrattulayshuns are in order," Stan Lipschitz says on the call. Louis had mentioned the twins and their early arrival.
"Stan!" he replies, surprised to hear from his former therapist. Harvey's on his way to the boxing gym. Once Rosa arrived, he couldn't wait to go work out. He's been needing a break, too.
"Louis tells me you have two wonderful girls… three including Donna, of course. You've come a long way my friend," Dr. Lipschitz says. Harvey can picture Stan's tight smile on the other end of the line.
"Isabelle and Ivy… they're great and a handful… I can't imagine what it's going to be like when they're walking," he replies, his speech keeping pace with his own feet.
"How are you coping? One child is a big change, but two?" the therapist asks.
"I won't lie, it's not easy, but we're handling it…." Harvey tries to sound optimistic, but his tone says otherwise.
"It can be overwhelming," the therapist agrees, creating space for his former patient to talk.
There's silence on the line as Harvey hesitates.
"Stan…" he begins. "I need to ask you something… it's about Donna…"
"Of course, what is it, Harvey?"
"Since coming home… she's changed…her personality…" he says. "Not sure if it's normal ..."
"In what way?" Stan asks, his tone clinical.
"Crying, angry, distant, sad," Harvey sighs. "I can't help but feel her reactions are a little… beyond…" He stops himself, sensitive to what he's suggesting about Donna.
"Hmmm…" Stan contemplates into the phone. "You know I cannot diagnose without seeing her, but I can tell you postpartum depression affects many new mothers, and mothers of twins are at greater risk. Perhaps have her book an appointment. I would be happy to talk with her."
"Postpartum depression?" Harvey asks. "I'll talk to her, but you know Donna, she can be stubborn."
"Not unlike someone else I know," the therapist quips into the phone.
"Point taken," Harvey grins. After hanging up with Dr. Lipschitz, Harvey thumbs his screen to call his brother, Marcus.
"Hey it's me, gonna need to cancel tonight," he says. "Donna's exhausted. Maybe later this week before you head back to Boston we can figure something out."
"Sorry about that," Marcus replies. "To be honest, I was kinda surprised you two were game for a night out so soon."
"Yeah, I'm starting to realize it might have been a little optimistic," Harvey replies. "Apologize to Samantha for us."
"Will do, and let us know if we can help," Marcus adds, before hanging up. "We can give you guys a break one evening if you like."
"Thanks, I might take you up on that," Harvey replies.
xxx
It's two am when Harvey stirs. He sleepily reaches across the bed, only to realize Donna's not there. As he adjusts his eyes to the blackness surrounding him, he sees the twins sleeping in their nearby cot.
Next, he notices light seeping under the ensuite door, so he rolls out of bed and quietly pads his way over.
"Donna?" Harvey whispers, as he peeks in. Hand muffling her crying, she's, once again, sitting on the marble floor, her red-rimmed eyes puffy with tears.
"Sweetheart, you ok?" his voice hushed. Harvey drops to sit next to her. Knees bent, his arm draws her in.
I don't know," she sobs. "I should be happy, but I'm… not…"
"It's ok, we'll fix this," Harvey assures, tilting his head down to meet her eyes. "Stan called me yesterday, on my way to the gym. Wanted to say congratulations and ask how we're doing…. I think you should talk to him. If anyone can help, it's him."
"I feel numb. I'm not bonding with the girls. I'm a terrible mother," her quivering voice is barely audible.
"Are you feeding them, holding them, caring for them?" Harvey asks rhetorically, while thumbing the tears from her cheek. "Right now, you're doing everything a mother needs to do."
"Our mothers didn't feel this way," Donna replies. "What's wrong with me?"
"Donna…" Harvey sighs. "Our mothers also didn't have twins. You've gone through a lot."
"I don't know who I am anymore," she sniffles.
"Well I do," Harvey counters. "You're a new mom. You're exhausted. Your body has gone through something big. And you're right, this isn't how you normally feel… which is why I think talking to Stan will help. How 'bout I call him in the morning?"
Massaging the headache that's forming, Donna simply nods. She's at the end of her rope and she can't think.
"We got about two hours before the girls wake up. Let's try and sleep," Harvey suggests. "Even if you can't, let's just lie together. We're a team remember?"
xxx
It's midday when Ray drops Donna off at Stanley Lipschitz's uptown office. He then makes a turn for Central Park so Harvey can take the twins for a walk.
"So what's so important that you needed to interrupt the managing partner during the middle of a work day?" Louis kids, as he picks up Harvey's call. "If you're looking for a recommendation for a good nipple cream for Donna, I have one."
"Jesus, Louis!" Harvey chuckles. "I was actually thinking more like a walk… I'm at the park with one big-ass stroller. Thought you might want to get some air."
"Really? I'm in! … Gretchen!" Louis yells. "I'm out for the next hour!"
With a smirk on his face, Harvey pulls the phone back from his ear. "Fifteen minutes, south entrance!" Louis says excitedly.
Spring is alive in the park. Birds are singing in the warm breeze and the daffodils, tulips and crocuses are in full bloom. Harvey is happy just to get outside.
"Great to see you, Harvey!" Louis beams, as he leans in for an affectionate hug. He's wearing a six thousand dollar suit and shiny white sneakers.
"I see you've dressed the part," Harvey grins. He's casual in dark jeans and a grey sweater. It feels like a lifetime ago since he's worn a tie.
Seeing Louis in his fine wool suit, Harvey realizes that he misses the routine of putting on his office armour. Every morning, he would stand in front of his full-length mirror, button his tailored shirt and tuck it in his pants until the chest was perfectly smooth.
He'd select a tie, twisting and turning it into a perfect knot. His fingers nimbly adjusting it back and forth until it sat exactly right. Finally, he'd slide on one of his perfectly cut suit jackets, his pocket square peeking out just-so.
"You miss us?" Louis wonders, as the two men follow the path towards the pond.
"Would you believe me if I said I haven't had time to miss the firm?" Harvey replies. "But yeah, I do… I'm back in a week so I'm trying to make the most of my time at home."
"Trust me, you won't regret doing this," Louis assures, as he leans over to look at the two tiny babies lying under the sunny yellow stroller blanket. "Wow, they're bigger. Have they passed their birth weight yet? Can you tell them apart?"
Harvey beams as he admires his two little sleeping bundles. Louis is asking him dad questions. He never thought he'd see the day.
"Ivy is more demanding and Isabelle is pretty laid back," Harvey explains, tucking the blanket around each child.
"So Ivy's in white and Izzy's in pink, then?" Louis guesses.
"The other way around, actually," Harvey chuckles. "They still have their hospital bracelets on. I'm sure Donna thinks I'll screw it up one day... dress them in the wrong clothes and they'll go through life with the wrong names."
As the two men continue walking, Louis can't help but smile at the activity around them.
"You know what's funny about having a baby?" he asks Harvey. "The women."
"Women?" Harvey wonders, as he sips his coffee and returns it to the stroller cup holder.
"Don't you notice?" Louis asks. "Every woman in this park is checking you out right now. I bet their ovaries are quivering. Apparently there's nothing hotter than a doting dad pushing a stroller."
"Yeah I've noticed," Harvey laughs. "All those fancy suits and cars over the years, all I needed was a pair of jeans and a stroller... a very expensive stroller, but still…"
"Imagine how many times I could have gotten some action if I just walked around the park with a baby carrier on my chest," Louis volleys back.
"Explaining yourself wouldn't have been creepy at all," Harvey chuckles. "There's no baby, ladies, just me and the carrier."
"And now that we have the babies, we're not allowed to meet the women," Louis jokes. "Sometimes life just isn't fair."
The two men continue their down the path, Louis detailing all the goings-on at the firm.
"How's Donna doing these days?" he transitions. "I texted her a couple of days ago, but she didn't respond… I guess I shouldn't be surprised."
"I won't lie, she's pretty tired," Harvey replies, determined to keep Donna's issues private. "We're doing fine though. With Rosa and grandparents, it's been a big help. My mother and Bobby are visiting this weekend. Thought I might try for an early dinner with Donna."
"I did the same when Sheila's mother came to visit," Louis replies. "Gotta keep the romance alive, Harvey, because with babies around, if you don't make the effort, it disappears."
xxx
"Ok Donna, I'm going to ask you a series of questions, that will help me to better understand how you're feeling," Dr. Lipschitz begins, a clipboard balanced on his crossed knee and a pen dangling between two fingers.
With an agreeable nod, Donna nervously takes in her surroundings. She's wearing stretchy white jeans and a mauve V-neck sweater. It's the first time in weeks she hasn't worn yoga pants, and the fact that she can actually button up these pants, she's taking as a small victory.
Scanning the room, Donna observes that Stan's office is calm and welcoming. Both Louis and Harvey have sat on this very couch, which she finds comforting. Grasping a pillow to her chest, Donna does her best to answer what Dr. Lipschitz throws her way.
"What is going through your mind when you feel overwhelmed?"
"Are you having thoughts that scare you?"
Do you feel sad?
"Are you able to sleep when the babies sleep?"
"Do you feel resentful towards your husband and children?"
Donna's answers every question with careful consideration and when she's finished, Stan offers a gentle smile. Seeing his reaction, she exhales, relieved that the hard truths she expressed did not seem to come as a surprise.
"I imagine you've heard worse," she swallows.
"Donna, you are experiencing postpartum depression," the therapist says confidently. "From all indications, it is not a deeply serious case, but enough so that I think some medication will help to even out your moods and allow you to rest."
Donna nods, her lips in a strained smile, as Dr. Lipschitz reads the sadness in her eyes.
"I want to assure you, this is a medical condition that has nothing to do with a woman's mental fortitude or capabilities," he says, as he scribbles across a prescription pad. "This has to do with hormones and your body recovering. And it will. Within a few days of taking this medication, you will notice a change."
"You think so? I can't imagine…" she replies, reaching for the paper.
"This is not uncommon for women who have delivered twins," he assures. "The most important thing now is to forgive yourself, let go of the guilt. This is simply a medical condition you are bravely dealing with."
"Thank you," Donna smiles, relieved. For the first time in weeks, she feels lighter.
"I'll see you next Wednesday," he replies.
xxx
"Alright Harvey, where are you taking me?" Donna questions.
It's been four days since Donna's began taking her medication, but as Stan predicted, it's already making a difference. She's sleeping more soundly and hasn't felt the urge to burst into tears after nursing.
Tonight is the first time Donna and Harvey have gone out on their own since becoming parents. It's a Saturday evening and the springtime sun is ready to set. Harvey anxiously checks his watch. They only have two hours before the Aston Martin he's driving turns back into a pumpkin and they return to feedings and diaper changes.
"The firm?" Donna questions, as Harvey pulls into the underground parking garage of the 54th street skyscraper.
"Maybe," he replies, his lips curling into a sly smile. Tonight, he's handsome in dark grey slacks, a black V-neck sweater and leather bomber jacket.
"Two precious hours alone and this is where you're taking me?!" she challenges, curious as to why it's not a romantic dinner at Del Posto or Quattro Gatti or any other of their familiar haunts. "You miss work so much that you had to visit?"
"How 'bout you just trust me," Harvey grins, his hand on the small of her back as he leads her from the vintage sports car to the elevator.
A few dizzying minutes later, the elevator doors open on the 50th floor and, except for the emergency hallway lights, the entire place is dark. His hand firmly clasping hers, Harvey leads Donna down the dim corridor towards the corner stairwell.
"Really?" Donna smiles as she sees the metal door leading to the rooftop. It's been more than a month since she's set foot in the firm. After walking past the glass-walled offices and inhaling the familiar scent of the freshly shampooed carpet, she can't help but feel nostalgic.
The rooftop. She and Harvey have had more than their fair share of private conversations up there. Some good, some not-so-good and some downright terrible. But like his office, Del Posto and the coffee shop, the rooftop has been an important place for them over the years.
"Close your eyes," Harvey commands, as he pushes the heavy door that leads them outside. A sudden whoosh and a light spring breeze bushes against her face. It teases her hair and tickles her lashes. Then, the familiar sound of bustling traffic and car horns rises from below.
As Donna opens her eyes, she gasps. At the centre of the rooftop expanse is a small dining table and two chairs surrounded by a dozen solar-powered lanterns. The table is perfectly set with a white linen tablecloth, a bouquet of gerbera daisies and a pillar candle waiting to be lit. At the foot of the table, a large picnic basket.
"Dinner," Harvey says, as he nods towards the basket. "Courtesy of Marcus Specter and his new restaurant."
"You're kidding me!" Donna exclaims, her jaw dropping as she squeezes Harvey's hand with excitement. "When did you do all this?"
"I didn't. Marcus and Samantha did," Harvey beams, feeling very proud of himself. He got the idea after Louis reminded him that from here on in, romance won't always be spontaneous. Sometimes it will have to be scheduled in.
"Harvey, this is amazing… I don't know what to say," Donna smiles, as she gratefully wraps her arms around his waist, and presses her head to his chest. "This was a lot of work."
"I wanted our first night out to be special," Harvey explains, placing a kiss on her head. "And private… and comfortable. Coming back to the office seemed right."
"To remind us of how far we've come…" Donna happily sighs. She understands. As much as their lives have changed, they've both felt at home when they've been together. For years, that was at the firm.
"Shall we?" he asks, his arm extended towards the romantic setting before them.
"What's for dinner?" she asks, sitting as Harvey holds her chair. Tonight, Donna is wearing black kitten heels, navy capris, with a matching sleeveless silk top and sweater. Now that she's nursing, gone are the days of wearing those one-piece jumpsuits she loves. So, she's opted for a similar look with two pieces.
"That's the other surprise…" Harvey grins, as he pulls from the picnic basket, two juicy gourmet hamburgers and places them on plates. He follows with servings of perfectly seasoned fresh-cut French fries.
"There are yellow tomatoes on this burger," she notices, tilting her head as she returns the bun to cover the meat patty.
"That's because it's the Donna Burger," Harvey chuckles. "One of the most popular menu items at Gordon's. No szechuan peppercorns though. No need to kill the restaurant patrons."
Hearing this, Donna laughs before nearly choking on her sparkling water. "Marcus named a burger after me?"
"After both of us, actually. The Harvey burger here is pretty handsome, don't you think?" he teases, as he raises the colourful sandwich to show it off. Melted cheese, ketchup and mustard oozing out the side. "A little messy on the outside, but brimming with goodness on the inside. That's actually how Marcus describes it on the menu!"
Once again, Donna bursts out laughing. "That's definitely a Harvey burger! I can't believe Marcus did that… I'm sorry we haven't had a chance to visit Gordon's yet."
"There's plenty of time," Harvey assures, reaching for her hand. "You know why we're here, right?"
"Because this is our second home…" she knowingly grins.
"Not sure you know this, but it's something I've always wanted to do… have dinner up here with you," he confesses. "Thought about it over the years…"
"If I recall, I think you once admitted it was more than dinner you wanted to have up here," Donna flirts, "And I warned you that with all the helicopters flying around, we'd probably end up on the evening news."
"It would be worth it," he playfully growls, while flashing that sexy smile she knows so well.
"I can read the headline now," Donna giggles, her hands gesticulating in the air. "Woman treated to Harvey burger fifty floors up!"
"What can I say… 100% pure Harvey!" he laughs back. Seeing her glossy smile, he adds, "Good to see you laugh again, Donna."
"It feels good to laugh again," she agrees. "Thanks for taking care of the girls, and me… you were right, seeing Stan has helped… a lot."
"Good, I'm just returning the favour," he replies, dipping a salty fry in ketchup. No explanations are needed, as they both know the many ways Donna has been there for him over the years.
For the next hour, Donna and Harvey enjoy their dinner, including the surprise piece of mouth-watering chocolate cake that Marcus included.
As much as they try not to talk about the twins, the conversation somehow always manages to go there. How Ivy resembles Harvey's baby pictures while Isabelle has Donna's temperament. The way Izzy curls her lips after nursing and the strong grip Ivy has when she latches onto a finger.
"Alright, enough baby talk," Harvey segues, as he reaches for Donna's hand. "I want to dance with my wife."
Pulling out his phone, he links to the Bluetooth speaker tucked inside the picnic basket.
"You Specters think of everything, don't you?" Donna remarks, as she falls into Harvey's arms.
As they slowly sway, Harvey pauses to steal a kiss. He's missed the feeling of an unhurried kiss, of Donna's attention being solely on him. "I want you to know, even though it hasn't been easy, you're an amazing wife and mother. Our girls are lucky… I'm lucky."
Feeling choked up at the sentiment, she whispers back, "Thank you, Harvey. I have to admit, I was worried. We've hardly had time to talk, let alone spend adult time together. The twins have been working us."
"They have, but they're our girls, and I wouldn't have it any other way," he replies.
"Maybe, when we're alone... we need to step up our game," Donna suggests, with a flirty smile. Her hips pressed against his as they sway. "You up for making the evening news?"
Pausing, Harvey leans back, confused. "I thought the doctor said we have to wait six weeks before …"
"Maybe I have to wait six weeks. She said nothing about you," Donna replies, as she tucks her fingers into the waistband of his pants.
"Donna, you serious? Up here?" Harvey's eyes go wide and his eyebrows soar. He'd be lying if he said the thought alone doesn't excite him. His hands urgently cup Donna's cheeks as his mouth finds hers. A deep and desperate and wanting kiss. He's missed her. He's missed them.
He's also relieved to see that even though they're now parents, Donna certainly hasn't lost her spontaneity.
As her fingers intentionally feel their way down the front of his pants, Harvey flinches.
"You're one naughty mother, you know that?" he giggles.
"A naughty mother who could use another burger," she flirts, as she unzips his fly, and slips her hand inside his boxers. "Maybe a Harvey burger this time."
Amused, he shivers at her mischievousness.
Oh my God, Donna!
xxx