"No, no, stop!" I almost yelled, pushing the man in front of me away. This was wrong. So wrong.

Tom looked at me, confusedly, "What's wrong?" Did he seriously not get it?

I shook my head. I couldn't find the right words because so many of them were floating through my head this very second. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," was the only thing that came out of my mouth. It sounded more like a broken record than anything else. My brain couldn't quite comprehend what I was doing. What was I doing? Oh my-

"Teddy? Are you alright?"

I got mad, so mad. Not only at me but also at him. Tom pretending to be this good, loyal man was just a hoax. He never cared about me, he only cared about his own ass. I was done with him, so done.

"I'm sorry, I have to go," and with that I left the room. I took a deep breath and quietly hoped he wouldn't follow me. This was wrong. So wrong. So wrong. No, this couldn't be real. This felt like an awful nightmare that I would hopefully wake up from soon. I reached for my phone and pressed the home button with my trembling finger and could almost immediately feel tears falling down my cold cheeks.

"Teddy! Snow Day! Want to go sledding?" Oh yes, I did. So badly.

I fucked up. Shit. Shit! I betrayed him. I was about to break his heart into a thousand billion pieces. This is not me. Why? He has given me all this trust that I clearly didn't deserve. At all.

I walked through the hallway, holding tightly onto my phone as if it was the last comfort I had. My sight was rather blurry but I made it to the lift somehow. I used to live in this hotel, after all. Owen got me out of here. He got me out of here. He can't get me out of this.

More tears started making their way down my cheeks as I pressed the button for the ground floor. I needed to get home immediately and ran out of the lift as soon as it's reached its destination. I honestly couldn't care less about what other people might think about me. I was a disgusting piece of shit, after all. I was the worst person and Owen deserved so much better. So much. How could I ever begin to make this right?

—-

"Hey honey!" I heard Owen's voice as I've unlocked the door, "I've missed you. It's been snowing but you didn't answer my text so I went back home, thought you might be taking a nap or something."

I walked into the kitchen, keeping my distance from him. I didn't deserve a warm hug or soft kiss right now. I didn't deserve anything. I took a deep breath, "I'm sorry"

He smiled softly, getting something out of the fridge. I looked around, he was cooking. Of course he was. He was being the perfect fiancé. I inhaled deeply and could smell the roasted chicken, my favourite food.

"Don't be-"

"No" I replied, a bit louder than intended and I could see in his face that it wasn't what he'd expected. His lovely smile turned into a face full of confusion, "listen to me. Please"

Owen walked towards me with a concerned look on his face. Don't be concerned, I don't deserve it. "What's wrong? Are you alright?" he asked.

I opened my mouth but couldn't get any words out of my head. Too many words. I couldn't possibly tell him. I have to. "I'm not trying to apologise because there is no apology, what I've done is unforgivable.." I took a deep breath trying to fight off the incoming tears. I didn't deserve pity. I was a monster.

"Teddy?"

"I kissed Tom."

Uncomfortable silence filled the whole kitchen.

Owen sighed heavily, "that's why you didn't reply. You were too busy doing someone else," he said it with such disappointment in his voice that I knew I really fucked this up. He didn't even look at me.

I didn't know what to do, or what to say. There was no possible way this would end smoothly, "I know sorry doesn't do it, I just-"

"Shut up, Teddy. I don't want to hear it. I need to think," he clenched his fist and looked me right into the eyes as he approached me. Was this a good sign?

Owen didn't stop staring into my eyes as he left the room. Tears. I could see tears in his eyes. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, the only thing I could hear was someone, Owen, walking upstairs.

There was no noise in this house and the silence almost killed me. I wanted to be with Owen but he, rightfully, didn't want to be with me at this moment. I had no other choice but to let him have some space.

I leaned against the kitchen counter and took a deep breath. I could feel the cold tiles on the floor through my socks The minutes went by and I felt worse with every passing second. Without trying to sugar-coat it, I felt like absolute shit.

I have to make this right. I just have to.

There was wine in the cupboard. Owen bought my favourite red wine a while ago after I came home from an exhausting surgery. I don't deserve him. For a second I reached out for the cabinet. No. I had no right to drown my feelings in alcohol. I had to face the consequences and being drunk right now would probably just cause even more problems in my relationship.

"Oh shit," I said to myself as I glanced at the stove with the roasted chicken on it. Let's start making things right by cooking dinner. And so I started cooking dinner for my fiancé who was probably about to break up with me, but I needed to do something that was not utterly stupid.

—-

Owen was sitting on Teddy's and his bed together with Allison and Leo, "oh you two… I love you so much, I had everything I've always wanted."

Allison grabbed his finger with her little hand and put it into her mouth which caused her daddy to smile. Of course she was way too young to understand anything and so was her older brother, Leo, who was looking through a photo album of his parents; in the last months he's really started to love his mum more than anything.

What have I done wrong? Why wasn't I worth of her love? Why would she ever do something like this? This is so… unlike Teddy.

—-

I was still standing in the kitchen, cooking dinner, as I heard Owen coming downstairs again. This was it. He is going to break up with me.

"Can we talk?" I couldn't figure out whether his voice was sad or angry. It was probably both. Understandable.

"Yes!" I turned around, looking at him, "please"

He took a deep breath, "I'm heartbroken. It feels like everything I've ever believed in was taken away from me, I've lost the ground beneath my feet. Everything is falling apart," he paused for a moment and looked at the food in the oven, "Everything was okay and now? Now it's not. I thought we were happily engaged and then you do this. What happened? You were always the respectful person, you always respected everyone's feeling all the time even if it meant hurting your own" Owen stopped again and shook his head. We stood a few feet apart but I could still see the hurt and the pain in his eyes, "Why, Teddy? Why couldn't you love me enough to talk to me instead?"

This hurt, but I deserve it.

"...Amelia's baby… I think it's yours."

Owen looked at me and almost started laughing. What is happening? "Wait… what?!"

"It just makes too much sense and…" I look at my beautiful engagement ring, "you were right. I'm scared, terrified of being happy even. I always run when I have real love staring at my face. Like you said, it's what I do and have always done. I can't make relationships work. I can't be happy, especially not now. You were right all along. I was terrified you would only be with me out of obligation so I ran and screwed it up. I hate myself for doing this to you. You have every… every right to be mad and heartbroken and angry and whatever you're feeling. I'm so so angry. At myself. This is the worst mistake I have ever made and I cannot take it back and…"

He shook his head which caused me to look away. Just say it, Owen. Say we're over.

"Teddy" I looked at him, "stop." He sat down at the table and looked around the kitchen for a few moments. I knew he was about to continue talking and I didn't want to pressure him into saying anything because I certainly didn't want to make any mistakes because the slightest one could really cause this to be over, "yes, this was really the worst thing you could've ever done to me. But I love you, and I know… knew you... at least I thought I did," this sounded more like a question but it wasn't my place to answer yet, "but if you are still the Theodora I fell in love with, so desperately in love with, then this isn't you. I'm not one to talk, I've cheated on both my wives. And this was a mistake. But you were there to guide me. Teddy…"

I broke him, I really did. I could hear and feel the pain he was in. He was my soulmate, my rock, my everything, the love of my life. Why was I so stupid? "I'm so sorry"

"Stop saying that!"

"I'm s-" I stopped myself.

Again. Silence. I felt like neither of us knew what to say.

"Are you still the woman I fell in love with?"

"…no."

Owen had tears in his eyes. He blinked and a few of them fell down his cheeks.

"No, I'm not the same woman. I'm so tired, Owen. I've been the worst fiancée and mother and I'm not saying that for pity. I fucked up big time. I destroyed it, destroyed us," I thought about reaching out for his hand but decided against it, "I don't even recognise myself anymore"

He stood up but hesitated to get any closer to me, "neither do I," his lips started forming a weak smile, "but I think you're still the same woman. You're broken. The Teddy I know would have never done that. Teddy… fuck, I love you. Our family is the best thing that's ever… ever happened to me! I just… I don't know what to think. You cheated on me, with him. It just hurts… so much. I think my brain really wants to hate you for this and I know I probably should but I just can't. I want to help you, but you need to give me some time. And you need help, Teddy"

"I don't-"

"You do," he took my hand and now my cold skin was pressed against his. My heart almost skipped a beat, I wanted to be close to him. I needed him to be close to me, "you're a broken woman. You have so many unresolved problems I always tried to ignore because you were always the strong one. And I didn't think they were actually this serious. You became weak. So incredibly weak. That's not you. The Teddy I know would've done literally everything for her family!"

"Doing everything doesn't save anyone!" I started yelling but immediately stopped myself, "they died. They all died! I've done everything right and it didn't matter! So I'm fucking everything up to prove myself that I can't save anyone or anything, Owen! Everyone always leaves me and I'm so tired, I'm so tired of everyone leaving me. I deserve this, I deserve to be alone." This is my self fulfilling prophecy.

"Fuck!", now it was obviously his time to start yelling, "no, you're not getting the easy way, Theodora Grace! Not this fucking time! You can't always run away when things get complicated! I won't let you! You took the easy way with… with this stupid fucking frog face! Oh I hate his ugly face so incredibly much I cannot wait to punch this disgusting smile out of his face!" he took a deep breath and I could hear that he was very very mad. He let go of my hand to collect himself again, "Allison and Leo would never leave their beloved mum! They love you so much, Teddy! You're their everything and they deserve to have you in their lives and vice versa and I won't let you go further down this road. I'm stopping you. Right. Now."

"What do you mean exactly?" I looked at him and scratched my head. He was right about Tom and I knew it. I will never ever talk to Tom outside of work again.

"You tell yourself this is going to end with everyone leaving you so you do everything to fuck up!"

"That's not true!" It is true and I know it.

Owen shook his head, "It is true." He was right. "But you didn't think this through, Teddy." Also true. "You hurt me more than anyone has ever done, because I have never cared about anyone as much as about you before. Well, maybe Leo and Allison but that's not the point. I can't leave you, I can't. I love you too much to let you go down that self destructing path anymore. You have a lot of work to do and I'm not sugarcoating it, you lost my trust. You did. And no health problem of yours is ever going to justify this. Stop victimising yourself! You are not the victim! You're an asshole who's too proud to get help and instead you rather go around and destroy your family!" The hurt in his voice was undeniable and as much as his words hurt me as well, they were true. He didn't mean it to be mean, he wanted to open my eyes. He wanted to fix this.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't have anything to add. He spoke the truth.

"Ever since you gave birth to Allison you're so… distant towards her. You rather go working instead of spending your time with her. At first I thought, okay maybe this is normal and I think it is, but your behaviour is not normal. You have serious problems and I demand you to start working on them! You don't get to completely destroy your family. I won't allow you to leave Allison and Leo. They deserve so much better than questioning why they weren't enough for their mummy. You've become so unpredictable, Teddy. What's next? Do I get a call from the hospital saying that you've killed yourself, or what?!"

"You're exaggerating!" Was he?

He chuckled, "am I?! With all due respect, you cheated on me. Okay you know what? I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm really tired. You can sleep on the sofa tonight."

And with that he left again.

I glanced at the oven and decided that roasted chicken might be tomorrow's dinner so I put it into the fridge to stay fresh. Maybe we can have dinner tomorrow.

This was an exhausting day for me and my relationship and just everything. I looked outside the window, it was still snowing. Hopefully I could go sledding with my kids sometime this week. But for now all I wanted and needed was sleep. I couldn't bother to get out of my clothes and went to the living room.

The living room was full of Allison's and Leo's little toys and a few days ago Owen and I have started hanging up photos. One of them was me with my two children. It was one of the few occasions where both of them smiled at the same time. It might actually have been my favourite photo: Allison was laying on my lap, holding my hand and smiling at me; Leo hugged my other arm and kissed my cheek smilingly. I love them so much.

—-

The next morning Owen was preparing breakfast and I think I heard Leo playing with his toys in the kitchen as well. Owen was still very mad but I knew I needed to give him a lot more time and I was okay with it, because I would to everything to fix this again.

I leaned against the doorframe and watched my perfect little family from a distance. Allison was laying on her small blanket on the table and was clearly occupied with her own foot and Leo was sitting on his blanket on the ground playing with his toys. Owen and I have decided to get them cute blankets with their names on them a while ago and I wasn't sure whether we loved them more than they did.

Allison looked into my direction and immediately started smiling. It melted my heart. I love you so much, sunshine, so much. She let go of her foot and reached out for me.

"She misses her mummy because her mummy has been rather distant lately," Owen didn't look at me, but it was okay. His voice was genuine and soft and I could feel that he was working on forgiving me, I felt it. It would be a long way, I knew that, but I knew that he knew it was worth it. We were worth it.

I approached my little baby girl. "Hey you," I smiled and picked her up. She's got so big in the last few months. I still remembered the first time I've seen her on that monitor during my early pregnancy. I held her as close as possible without hurting her.

Allison grabbed onto my hair and looked at me with her tongue sticking out. I always want to be there for you, sunshine.

Leo looked at us, "Weddy." I smiled. He was the sweetest boy.

"Weddy!" he yelled and let his toys fall down on the ground. He got up and ran towards me and Allison.

I turned around so I could face him properly as he hugged my leg, "oh come here, sweetie." I kneeled down, still holding Allison close to me as Leo wrapped his little arms around the two of us. I placed my free arm on his back pulling him a bit closer. I took a deep breath. My two perfect children.

I enjoyed the moment because I knew this adorable little toddler wouldn't stay like this for too long. In this very moment I realised I had messed up with them, too, "I'm so sorry you two, so sorry. Mummy cannot promise that she's going to be able to fix everything but she will do everything she can to make this right again," I looked at Owen, "I promise."

Leo looked at me with his big eyes and had the widest smile on his face, "mummy"

I nodded enthusiastically and felt tears coming into my eyes. Don't cry, they wouldn't understand. "My sweet little son, I love you so much," I kissed the top of his head and looked at Allison, "and I love you too, so much, my sweet little daughter," and placed another kiss on her cheek.

"And I love you so much, my fiancée," Owen hugged me from behind and I turned my head around to look at him. He was genuinely smiling.

"I love you too, my fiancé." He wants to be with me.

He placed his hand on my cheek and kissed my lips gently and in that very moment, being surrounded by the three most important people in my life, I knew it was going to be okay.

My family.

Oh my goodness this took me AN HOUR to upload because this website decided to be a bitch. I'm so sorry it took me so long and everything but I don't work well without pressure.

Thanks for reading and let me know what you think! x