A/N: Goodness, it's been ages since I wrote a one-shot, but here we are. I know so many different versions of this are already out there, but I heard this song again recently and could not get it out of my head. The more and more I listened to it the more I kept relating it back to Dawsey and well, after that this story basically wrote itself. It's pretty hefty, over 9k words, so bear with me.
Anyone else out there holding on to hope that Monica will come back to the show and Dawsey will live on in more than just fanfiction? Cause I sure am. I know it's not likely, and honestly, I don't think it has been done before... but I am still holding out hope that one day Monica will return. I mean I left this site for almost five years and returned, so anything can happen right?
If you haven't already check out this song, it is amazing. Please leave a review and let me know what you think.
Mercy
Brett Young
Mercy
Why you gotta show up lookin' so good just to hurt me
Why you wanna stop this whole damn world from turning
It's a normal day at 51, or at least the new normal that has been set over the last year. It's a normal day... until it's not.
It happens abruptly, the shift in his life, in his heart, in his thought process and demeanor. Because one second, he is Captain Matt Casey and he is giving his truck members orders on what he wants to be done with his truck. And the next he is Matthew Casey, the man that was, is, and forever will be in love with Gabriella Dawson.
When he sees her standing at the end of the drive his words stall mid-sentence. He knows it's her before he has even gotten near before she can even turn around, but part of him feels like he is staring out at a ghost. Like his mind is playing tricks on him, because it couldn't be. It couldn't be true that his ex-wife was back in Chicago. God, those words tasted bitter in his mouth even now a year later. Ex-wife. It sounded so final. It was so final. The finality of it all had been eating at him since he signed those papers. Since he took the ring off and tucked it away in a box with the rest of their memories.
He is walking down the drive with a purpose, not sparing a glance or any parting words to his truck members as he goes. He knows the answer before he even speaks the words, but that doesn't lessen his confusion when he says her name. A name he hasn't brought himself to utter in so long. Too damn long. "Gabby..."
She turns to him, a smile filling her features when she responds. Why did she have to look so damn good? Her hair was shorter, her frame slightly slimmer than the last time he had seen her. She was still the same girl that made his heart skip a beat. Her bright smile leaving him breathless. "Matt..."
And god did he miss his name on her lips.
He watches her look back to the stone she was staring at uncertainty written into her features. "It's beautiful..." He realizes this is the first she has seen it. She wasn't here when those events took place. She hasn't been here in over a year. Though he knows it is true that concept still seems nearly impossible.
He moves closer, looking at the stone as an excuse to do so, but honestly, he just needed to be closer to her. To feel her presence. "Boden called it sacred ground."
She stares at the stone, a small smile coming to her lips at his words. "He's right."
"When'd you get in town?" He asks, he needed to know. He wanted to ask why, or how long, but he figured this was safer ground.
"Uhh, about an hour ago... This is my first stop." He looks into her eyes for the first time and he sees everything he has been missing. Oh Gabby, how did we fall so far? "I wanted to see..." The bells going off stale the words in her chest and both of their attentions are drawn to the house.
You.
I wanted to see you. She curses those bells for the millionth time in her life.
Casey squeezes her shoulder, an almost sad smile on Gabby's face when he turns. "Don't go anywhere." He tells her, a regretful smile on his face as he moves to the house leaving her on the driveway of the place that holds so many memories for them.
"Brett's here. Everyone's going to want to see you." He calls back at her.
"Okay." She watches him run back and hop into the truck, the Captain side of him taking over. She releases a shaky breath as she watches them pull away. Stella hollering to her pulls her out of her own head and she smiles and waves to the truck members before taking another deep breath and heading up the drive.
Casey watches her move from her spot and up toward the house in his mirror and feels relief sweep over him. He wasn't sure if she would stay, and he hated how badly he wanted her too. His mind is a mess right now. Why was she here? Why was she back in Chicago? Was she back for good or just a visit? If it was just s visit why come to the firehouse? Why come see him? Did she miss him as much as he missed her?
He shakes those thoughts away. He can't go down this road again. He can't go back there. It wasn't fair to him or Gabby to keep chasing something that wasn't meant to be. Though he knows that's not true. There are a lot of things he is uncertain of in his life, but one thing he will always be certain of is that he and Gabby were meant to be... even if they couldn't make it work. There was no one else he would ever be so sure of as he was Gabriella Dawson.
When 81 pulls back up to the house he is grateful to see she is still there. Holding court at the squad table and telling a story of Otis that he remembers well. She turns back for a moment and his eyes catch hers as he hops out of the truck. She finishes telling her story as he hangs his gear up.
Stella practically runs around the truck, sliding along the floor as she pulls Dawson into a tight hug, sweeping her up in her arms the way Casey wishes he could.
Casey watches as they nearly topple over at the impact as Stella hollers out. "I missed you."
He watches Gabby settle comfortably into her friend's embrace, Stella placing a quick kiss into the former paramedic's hair and he is once again wishing it was him holding her close like that.
He is pulled from his thoughts when Mouch turns to her and asks. "How long are you in town?"
He watches her eyes flicker to Mouch as she answers him lightly. "Till Friday, in-and-out."
That answers at least one of his many questions. She wasn't staying, and he feels at least a half a dozen of his walls go back up.
"Well, we will take all the time we can get," Stell tells her, her arms still wrapped around her. Gabby leans her head back into the firefighter's shoulder. Enjoying the opening welcome, she was receiving from her friend that she had missed so much.
Boden clears his throat, watching his former paramedic with full eyes, he missed her. Missed her skills that she brought to this house, missed her happy presence and her strong personality. Missed her friendship and the smile she could bring to his truck Captain's face. He just missed her... after all, it wasn't just Casey she left when she decided not to return to Chicago. "You staying for lunch?"
Gabby gives a questioning glance to the group in front of her; Matt can see the clear teasing in her eyes and the devilish look he knew all too well. "I don't know, is Cruz cooking?"
"Ha ha ha, it's like you never left." He retorts, the twos teasing earning laughs all around.
Gabby's attention is averted as Sylvie introduces her to the new man in the house, Gallo.
She says a quick greeting, and her next words are shocking Casey. "You have a great Captain your working under." He recovers quickly, watching as she meets his eyes and tucks her much shorter hair behind her ear. Shy smiles are shared between the former couple and they are both thankful when Sylvie suggests they all give them a minute.
The group makes their way into the house and Matt steps to her, but she can see him still clearly keeping his distance and it kills her. She knows she is the one that created that distance between them in the first place.
He clears his throat. "So uh, just two days, huh?"
"Yeah." He nods, and she can't stop herself from looking him over, taking in all that she has been missing. She forces herself to meet his eyes again as she continues. "Yeah, try to make it longer next time. This trip kind of came out of nowhere."
"Everything okay?" He questions, she watches the flicker of concern on his face and quickly responds.
"Oh yeah. No, there's this um, there's this fundraiser ball thing, and the doctor who covers it for my organization had a conflict, so-" Her tongue clicks in her mouth, she knows she is lying, but she won't admit that. She can't admit that she had basically downright refused to go anywhere else than Chicago. It wouldn't help her or him to admit that right now. "They sent me." She continues, her goofy voice causing Matt to smirk. He missed her.
"Well, ordered me actually." She clarifies. "Turns out big donors like to rub elbows with aid workers who are out in the field. I guess it opens up their pocketbooks or something. I don't know."
They share a gentle smile before Casey responds. "Well, I hope you weren't reluctant to come here because of me."
Gabby looks at him confused, not expecting that to be his next words, but once again his words are just another remember of how far they had fallen from each other and it breaks her heart in two. "No... I mean I have a lot of feelings wrapped up here." Gabby looks around and Matt doesn't miss the faraway look in her eyes as she avoids his gaze for a moment, instead deciding to look around the garage.
He wants to question her comment but decides against it.
"How's Antonio?" He asks, changing the topic.
She looks surprised by his change and line of question. "Great actually. Yeah, he is on our crisis response team in the Bahamas. So, he's good. Been really good for him"
"Good," Matt responds.
Silence fills the air, and Gabby knows she needs to ask him before she loses her nerve. This was the whole reason she came here after all; she couldn't let him go back to work without at least getting the question out there.
"Umm, I wanted to invite you, that fundraiser ball is tomorrow. If you can, it would really be great to have a moment to talk." She asks, forcing it out before her nerves got the best of her. She can see the shock and clear hesitation on Matts's face and she holds her breath waiting for his response. The look on his face making it clear enough that she has thrown him for a loop.
"Is it okay if I think about it?" It's not a no, but it doesn't hurt any less.
Her face flashes with that same shock, but rejection and hurt mix in and she forces herself to quickly recover. She can't fault him or that... she was the one that left she reminds herself again. "Yeah, of course." She answers.
Casey looks away and she watches the emotions play on his face. "I've got a lot of feelings wrapped up here too."
She nods. "Yeah, I get it."
She digs through her purse and grabs the paper she had tucked in there. "Uh here are the... the details." I'd really love to see you." She says sincerely before Matt can say anymore, she turns and walks away, leaving Casey left with his thoughts as he watches her go. Casey decided, not for the first time, he hated watching her walk away from him.
Mercy
Why you hanging on so tight if this ain't working
Why you wanna stop this flame if it's still burning
'Cause it's still burning
After some deliberation, Casey decides to go. Brett's words ringing in his head about how he would regret it if he didn't and he knew they were true. No matter how much hurt they had caused each other knowing that Gabby was in Chicago and wanting to see him and he had turned it down was not something he could live with. He changes his shirt three times at the apartment before finally decided on the blue shirt and new black suit. He had debated wearing his gray blazer, the one so long-ago Gabby had called her favorite, and decided that would be too much. They weren't those people anymore and who was to say she would even notice if he had?
He walks in and it only takes a moment before his eyes are gravitating towards her. He is amazed as he watches her cozying up to some donors. He's always known she was destined for greatness, he just always thought they would find that greatness together, not apart. He's proud of her, but it doesn't make the hurt sting any less.
Soon she is catching his eye. Smiles play on both their faces and she is excusing herself and walking to him. "Thank god, you are here I don't know how much more of that I have in me."
"You sound great." He assures, looking her over, she looked amazing. Why did she have to come here looking this damn good if she was just going to be leaving tomorrow? It's cruel, he thinks. To show up looking this good to what? Hurt him? If that was her play it was surely working.
"I need a drink. You want a drink?" She asks looking around quickly and pulling him from dangerous thoughts.
"Definitely." He was going to need one to get through this night. He follows her as she moves to the drink line, not stopping himself from looking over her form as she moves once more.
They stand side by side in line and she un-bashfully looks him over. Matt Casey was a gorgeous man; he always had been and he wore the hell out of a suit. "New suit?" She asks a smirk on her red lips.
He stares ahead, his tongue clicking at his words, okay so maybe she would notice. "Yup."
"It's working." She responds, feeling pleased with herself when she sees him swallowing thickly.
"You should see me in my Captain's shirt" He quips back. Though they both know she has and that many a joke had already been made between the two about it, about how much she enjoyed it.
She laughs, a wicked smirk on her lips. "You should see me in my mosquito net field fatigues." She quips back, the seductive tone of her words not lost on him. He chuckles, though a shiver runs down his spine he forces himself to ignore.
"I'm sure you look great." He tells her honestly; he's learned there is nothing she doesn't look amazing in over the years.
"Duh." She jokes back, and he is happy to see some things never change as they joke so easily with each other.
They stand in silence, unsure of what to say now that the joking tone has passed. Both still shocked that this is where they were after so many years together. The realization of how far they fell never getting easier anytime it hit them.
"So, uh, do you miss Chicago?" He questions turning more serious, unsure if he wants to know her answer.
She goes to respond and is cut off by her boss. Soon enough she moves away and is off to talk to donors and asking Matt to order her a red.
The blonde firefighter walks to the line and orders them both reds. Unhappy about their interruption and not getting to hear her answer, even if he wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer at this point.
Gabby's boss stays at his side, gushing about her and how impressive she is, not that he is surprised. He already knew all this and had for years. She was amazing, there was no doubting that. It's her boss's next words that catch him by surprise.
"I wanted to send her to our fundraisers in Sydney, London, La Paz, but nope. She insisted on coming to Chicago..." This woman clearly doesn't understand the effect her words had on him, his breath nearly stalls in his chest.
"Really?" He questions, swallowing thickly. He was in uncharted territory now.
"Mhm. Said she had someone she wanted to see here."
Her boss walks away and Matt is left reeling at her words. If he didn't already have a million questions swirling in his mind he sure would now. He soon moves away from the drink table, watching the woman in question with wonder. With so many unanswered questions in the air, he holds her drink up, prompting her to move back to him.
She does, a determined smile on her face as she moves his way. She looks up to him, a gleam in her eyes that he has missed so much and asks him to dance, and who was he to ever turn her down.
He expects it to be awkward when they step into each other, so much time has passed after all, but it isn't. They dance slow, pulling each other close, soon settling further and further into each other embrace as the song plays on. They drown the music out, stuck in their own little world together. Their bodies moving closer and closer, that familiar pull towards each other that had always been there igniting a fire within until their lips are meeting in a slow kiss, refamiliarizing themselves with the other.
Gabby lets out a shuttering breath as they break apart, their forehead meeting, neither making any move to pull apart as the song switches over by the band. Their eyes meet, a silent agreement happening as Gabby takes his hand and leads him to the exit and then through the lobby to the elevators. He is grateful when they step inside and are alone, he quickly pulls her too him and their lips fuse together once more.
Kissing her felt like coming home.
They nearly stumble down the hall when the elevator comes to a stop, neither able to keep their hands off of each other, the anticipation of finally getting to be together again becoming too much to hold back.
They stumble through the door kissing heatedly. When his lips hit her throat, a spot that he had long ago claimed as his Gabby moans out his name and he smirks at his name on her lips, forever pleased with the effect her had on her. Gabby's pulling his shirt from his arms before he can think, he hadn't even realized she had unbuttoned it already.
"Wait is this a mistake?" Gabby murmurs, their lips barely leaving the others as he backs her to the bed. "I am leaving in the morning."
"I know, and I am staying." He tells her, pulling away now to look into her eyes. "But that doesn't make this a mistake."
They could never be a mistake. No matter the hurt and damage caused, they were never a mistake.
The only mistake was ever letting her leave, Casey thinks as he picks her up and lays her on the bed. Letting his body fall onto hers as they drown in each other.
So if you're gonna break my heart, just break it
And if you're gonna take your shot, then take it
Take it
If you made up your mind, then make it
But make this fast
If you ever loved me
Have mercy
Matt feels himself waking, and instantly recognizes the weight of someone in his arms. Before he can even open his eyes the events of last night come flooding back to him. He opens his blue eyes to find Gabby curled into his chest, her head on his chest and her legs tangled in his and he squeezes her closer to him. He missed waking up like this. He missed waking up to her curled up in his arms. He went almost every day for 5 years like this, only to have it ripped away so suddenly.
He looks down and takes her in. She was still the same Gabriella Dawson that he fell in love with all those years ago. She was still the woman that had him captivated by her every move and she was still just as beautiful as ever. Her lipstick from the night before was long gone, her makeup barely there after the night's activities and rest. Her previously straight hair had started to go back to its more natural wave as it lay splayed out beneath her.
Her bare body was tucked securely into his and he ran a hand up and down her side slowly, feeling her smooth caramel skin under his touch. Last night had been amazing. Being with Gabby was always amazing, but last night was more than just sex. Last night was remembering everything they had and knowing it was still there. That flame that had always been lit between them, the flame they thought had been put out and long forgotten about after she left was still there burning as strong as it ever had been.
That thought scared him.
He wasn't sure he could go back down that road with her, no matter how much he missed her or wanted her. He wasn't sure what this meant for her. Sure, her boss had said she had fought to come to Chicago, fought to come see him... but she was also the one that reminded him she was leaving this morning.
She had extended that olive branch, had asked him to come here, but for what? What did last night mean to her? Nothing about their situation had changed.
He was staying in Chicago and she was going back to Puerto Rico.
It's that thought that has him looking over her once more and really taking her in, committing this feeling to memory once more... not that he has ever forgotten what it felt like to hold Gabriella Dawson in his arms. He couldn't even if he wanted to.
He has shift in two hours and he needs to go.
He debates waking her, but the thought of having to face another goodbye with her is too much to bear. Their first goodbye nearly killed him, he isn't sure he could get through another without begging her not to leave, to stay here with him forever.
So, he carefully crawls from the bed, changes into his clothes and with one last look to the love of his life still sleeping soundly he walks out the door.
Matt sits in his office later that day, their previous night playing on a loop over and over in his head. He can't get her out of his mind.
His phone chimes and he pulls it out to see a voicemail for Gabby. He hits the button to listen to it immediately. Calm washes over him as her voice fills the air.
"Hey, it was great seeing you – being with you. It brought back so many memories. Good memories. Best of my life." His heart aches at her words. They were the best of my life too. "My only regret Is that we didn't have more time to spend together. So, if you want to spend your next furlough in a disaster area... consider yourself invited." I smile plays on his lips at her words, she was making an effort, he noted. "There will always be room in my tent Matt Casey."
The voicemail cuts off and he mulls over what to do. A major part of him wanting to call her back... the other part of him too scared for what that would actually mean for them if he did.
So, instead, he hits the play button again and lets her voice fill the space of his office once more.
If you go out tonight and get drunk and lonely
Wind up home alone
Please don't call me
And say you miss me, no
It's nearly four weeks later that he finds himself consuming far too many drinks at Molly's and thinking about all the 'what ifs'.
He had never called her back, couldn't bring himself too, and she had not reached out again.
He's been off since her visit. All the guys notice it and are concerned, but don't know what to do. Casey hadn't shared their night together with the guys and never plans too. It wasn't their business. But their Captain is reverting back to old behaviors. He is lost all over again.
He misses her. He misses her so damn much... and he is angry. He is angry she showed up here. She came here looking as good as she did and reminded him. Reminded him how much he loved her, how there was no moving on from her. Then she left. She left him again.
Hermann tries to get him to slow down, but he won't. He realized this morning that though she left well over a year ago now, today has been a year that their divorce is officially final.
He has officially been divorced one year from Gabriella Dawson and that thought is crushing. It breaks him in ways he didn't even realize possible.
And she came back, she came back to him a month ago and then left all over again and he is bitter. He is bitter about what has transpired between them in the past few years. He is bitter about the news of her aneurysm and how they never dealt with. He is bitter that she chose the assignment in Puerto Rico when they were having issues. He is bitter that she decided to stay there. He is bitter that she signed the divorce papers. He is bitter that she came back here and pulled him back in once again.
But honestly, he is bitter at his own decisions too. He is bitter he didn't fight for her more, didn't convince her how much he loved her and wanted her, maybe then she would have never left. He is bitter that he signed the divorce papers without a fight, bitter that when she came to get the last of her things, he didn't fight for her to stay. Bitter, he left her in the hotel room and that he is too much of a coward to call her now and tell her all of this. He is bitter and angry at life for all the terrible things that were thrown at them.
He throws the shot back that he had practically forced Hermann to place in front of him and looks at his phone once more.
He had been staring at it all night debating to call her.
Now with the liquid courage in his system, he decides it's time.
He clicks on her name in his phone and pulls it to his ear. It rings a few times before going to voicemail and he's unsure whether he is thankful for that or not. Would it be easier to talk to her voicemail or her? He isn't sure.
It's Gabby, sorry I missed you. Leave me a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
The line beeps and he takes a deep breath. "Gabby..." He trails off, swallowing thickly. "What happened to us, Gabby? How did it come to all this? How did we..." He trails off again. He can't get his thoughts together; all he knows is he misses her... so he tells her as much. The alcohol spurring him on.
"I miss you. I miss you so much it hurts. I don't want to come spend furlough in a disaster area, I just... I want you home. I wish you never left. I love you, Gabby. Always." He sighs, finally pulling the phone from his ear and ending the call. He takes another long drag of his beer before getting up and deciding it was time to go home.
Gabby sits in her tent the next morning, tears falling down her cheeks in a rush as she listens to his voicemail for what seems like the hundredth time. Her heart hurts at his words, and she can tell he has been drinking by his tone.
She misses him so much. She hasn't stopped thinking about him since she saw him. Truthfully, she hasn't stopped thinking of him since she left the first time.
There wasn't a day that went by where he was not at the forefront of her mind. There were so many times she had to talk herself out of packing up and leaving over the last year, so many times she had to convince herself this was for the best, this is what he wanted. Now she wasn't so sure.
She thought going back would be selfish, she thought Matt wanted this, that he happier without her... maybe he was and the alcohol was just affecting him last night, but she knows that's not true.
She knows what yesterday was, a year since their divorce was final. She knows he likely had as rough of a day as her when she finally noticed the date and what it signified.
Chief Hatcher walks into her tent and she is pausing her voicemail and hastily wiping at her cheeks, though she knows it is to no avail, it was obvious she had been crying for some time now.
"Dawson?" He questions her. "What's going on?"
She shakes her head, mulling over the thought that had been in her head for so long... finally letting it go.
"I need to go home."
If you're gonna break my heart, just break it
And if you're gonna take your shot, then take it
Take it
If you made up your mind, then make it
But make this fast
If you ever loved me
Have mercy
When he left the voicemail for Gabby, he wasn't sure what he expected to happen after, but the silence wasn't it. He guesses he shouldn't be surprised; she had left him a voicemail and he hadn't responded until a month later and when he did, he was drunk.
He guesses if they are going to be keeping up the same timeline that he should expect a call and voicemail from her in another three weeks and no sooner.
It had been a week since he left her that voicemail and, in that week, he had dried himself out, but was still finding himself pulling away from everyone in his life.
He was so consumed with everything going on in his head.
He walks down the hall to his apartment, the apartment he used to share with the brunette woman. He fumbles with his keys, his shift bag on his shoulder and when he finally looks up as he approaches the door his breath stalls in his chest.
He wasn't sure what he was expecting when he left that voicemail a week ago, but this was not it.
The woman that had consumed his every thought was standing at the door to his apartment. There were a couple of bags sitting at her feet, more than just an overnight bag.
"Those look more like staying instead of leaving bags." He quips as he meets her eyes.
He watches tears fill hers instantly as he moves closer to her slowly, unsure what all of this means.
Gabby nods at his words, words that throw her back to the day she officially left him.
"Yeah, well. Someone said they wanted me home so..." She trails off with a shrug.
He smirks at her words now, remembering his voicemail.
He isn't sure what to say to her. He never thought this is where they would be. As much as he hoped for it, he never expected her to be here again.
He knows there is so much they need to talk about, so many things to work through.
Gabby's nervous words pull him out of his thoughts. "I uh, I can get a hotel, or..."
He cuts her off, moving toward her now with a purpose, pulling her into his arms and crashing his lips to hers. His hands rest on her cheeks as hers wrap around him. They part both breathless after the passionate kiss. "Don't you dare." He says softly, referring to her comment about the hotel.
Gabby nods, and he pulls away now, unlocking the door and grabbing a couple of her bags as she grabs the rest and they track through the door.
Her bags are dropped in the living room and Gabby stops to look around. It was so different here, yet all the same.
It was the subtle things that only she would notice were missing. Like all traces of her had been wiped from the place. The blanket she always kept on the couch, the pictures of them that littered the apartment, her slippers by the door, her lotion on the desk. It was all gone. That hurt more than she thought it ever could.
Matt watches her take it all in and he takes her in. Relishing in the feel of having her in their apartment once more.
He knows the comments about her bags should answer his question, but he can't help but ask anyway. "How long are you here for?"
Her eyes meet his and he can see the confusion written on her face. "I know we said they were staying bags, but I..." He trails off. He needed to know. Before anything else happened between them, before they talked, he needed to know how long he had her for.
Gabby nods. "I'm not going anywhere. I resigned from my post."
Matt's brows furrow at her words. He hadn't expected that. "You loved your job..." He trails off.
Gabby shakes her head, tears welling in her eyes once more. "I do, but I love you more... and I should have realized that a long time ago." She says vulnerably. She had made so many mistakes in regards to their relationship.
He moves to her again, forgetting any resolve he may have previously tried to put up. They could talk later, now he just wanted her.
He sweeps her up in his arms and their lips crashed together for the second time in 5 minutes. Her gasp of shock is muted by his lips on hers and her is backing them to the couch, the stumble over the rug and she lands on top of him in a huff. Neither parting for a moment to think about all that they need to work through.
They don't care, she is finally back in Chicago and damn it if he isn't going to make up for all the lost time.
Woah
Oh have mercy
They lay together on the couch for nearly an hour, just enjoying the others company until Gabby finally gets up and throws Matt's t-shirt overhead before moving to the bathroom.
Casey pulls himself off the couch and moves into the bedroom pulling on his boxers and grabbing a t-shirt from the drawer and pulling it over his head he moves back to the kitchen, grabbing a beer. He knew it was high time to talk with Gabby about all of this. As happy as he was that she was home, he couldn't stop the bad taste in his mouth that she was home now... why not over a year ago? What had changed that made her decision so easy to just come back and why had it not been that simple before?
Gabby comes out of the bathroom to the empty living room and spots him standing against the counter. She can see the tension building in his stance. She sighs, she knew it was time to talk, but she was terrified of what this talk would bring.
She moves to him, wrapping her arms around his back and letting her head rest against his toned back. She feels him tense for a second before relaxing back into her, squeezing her arm that was wrapped around his body.
Gabby pressed a kiss into his back, breathing him in for another moment.
"We should talk," Casey says gently and feels her head nod against his back.
"I know." She says just as softly, but neither makes any move.
Casey sighs, not wanting to ruin the calm around them, but knowing it is necessary. "Why did you leave..."
He feels Gabby tense at his words, and he reaches back, resting his hand on her hip and squeezing gently. He knew this was going to be hard on both of them, but it was overdue. He turns around to face her now and sees the hesitation, the hurt in her eyes. "I know this is tough... but we have to talk about all this, no matter how much it hurts. It's the only way we can move past it." He tells her gently.
Gabby nods, and she hates that she already has tears welling in her eyes. "Do you want this?" She asks vulnerably, Casey's brows furrow. "Do you want us? Do you want to be with me?" She prompts.
Her question throws him for a loop, why was she asking this? Wasn't it obvious? "Of course, I do." He tells her. He watches her relax only slightly, more tears welling in her eyes. "Do you?" He questions now, her words and silence concerning him.
She nods quickly. "More than anything." He visibly sighs in relief. "Just promise me, no matter how tough this gets, no matter how much we may want to run when this gets tough... we stay. We work it out. I, I can't lose you again. I can't lose this again."
Matt's own tears well at her words and he pulls her into his arms, kissing the top of her head. He doesn't know that he has ever seen Gabby this emotional and he hates it, he hates that their relationship is what had broken her so much. "I promise." He reassures, "I'm not letting you go again Gabby."
They sit in silence for another moment, both needing the reassuring comfort that the other gave them.
"I didn't think you wanted to be with me. I didn't think you wanted me anymore... after that last fight." She starts, answering his previous question. "That day, it all just built up. You told me I couldn't have kids..." Casey goes to interject and she quickly cuts him off. "Even if that was not how you meant it, it's how I took it, and it's how it stuck... and then when we fought the way you looked at me... the hurt I had caused you by going around you with Louie, with Bria, and then with wanting to have our baby. I just... I felt so lost, I felt like I had already ruined us. I thought space would be good. I needed to clear my head. I felt like I was drowning here after being diagnosed. I was trying to avoid it, trying to pretend it didn't happen, but you kept pushing it, rightfully so. You wouldn't let me just sweep it under the rug like I wanted to and it was killing me having to face it, and then to have us so at odds."
Matt looks at her shocked, not realizing how she had felt during that time. "Gabby, why didn't you talk to me? You just assumed all these things, assumed I didn't want you... You put words in my mouth that were never there. If you had just talked to me..." He trails off. Leaving that hanging in the air. Maybe we would have never gotten divorced.
Gabby's head bobs, his unsaid words hitting her. She knew they were true, but she hated facing it either way. "Gabby, I love you. I loved you then, and I love you now... that hasn't changed and it never will, I need you to know that, to believe that. Whether we can have a child of our own, or not. Whether we get remarried, whether anything... I love you." He assures her.
He watches her tears that she had been holding at bay all day finally spillover. "You never said it." She says softly, timidly.
He raises a brow, the confusion evident in his features.
"When I told you, I was going to volunteer... when I left... any time we talked on the phone or in a text while I was there... when I came back for my stuff... you never said it. Not since the day we fought."
Matt purses his lips, that couldn't be true. "You never said it, and you never asked me to stay. Not once. Your voicemail a month ago was the first time you have said it, or asked me to come home." She tells him and he shakes his head, that couldn't be possible. He sees the clear pain in her eyes and he knows her words are true.
He visibly deflates. How had he not told her how he felt? How badly he loved her and wanted her to stay with him?
"Gabby, I, I'm..."
She shakes her head, wiping at her face. "It's okay." She tries to tell him and he shakes his head back.
"No, it's not."
Silence fills the room around them. Gabby not wanting to argue, because truthfully, he was right, it wasn't. It wasn't okay at all.
"I am sorry that you ever had to question my love for you. That you ever had to question whether I wanted you here, whether I wanted to be with you... That wasn't fair to you."
"And me leaving wasn't fair to you." She whispers. "I should have talked to you more; I should have made it a discussion for us. I should have explained where my head was at instead of just making it seem like I was walking away. I never wanted you to question us. To question me and I am sorry I made you."
Casey nods. Looking her over as she stands in front of him in his t-shirt, her curly hair messy from their prior activities, her face and eyes red from crying. She was beautiful.
"Why did you send the divorce papers?" She suddenly asks. Knowing if she doesn't, she will lose her nerve.
Casey's eyes close at her words, remembering the pain of drawing up those papers and signing them. He can only imagine how she felt when she received them.
"Gabby..."
"I know I was the one who left. I know I was the one who essentially ended us when I left, but I, I never thought..." Gabby looks away, and Matt watches as her chin trembles and his heart hurts at the sight. He may be able to place blame for a lot of their downfall on her, but the actual move to divorce was all him.
"You had left me, Gabby. You had left, and you weren't coming back..."
"I would have!" She hollered, her emotions getting the better of her. "If I had known, if you had talked to me first, I would have..." She cries, her tears spilling once more, causing his to follow suit.
"You blindsided me."
Casey scuffs, his emotions hitting a head as well. "And me showing up here finding you with your bags already packed wasn't blindsiding me?!" He hollers back. "You came home after months, only to pack up and leave! Would you have waited for me, if I hadn't have come home when I did? Would you have even told me you were packing up and taking a permanent position? Or would you have just snuck away like a thief in the night and never looked back? Because that is sure as hell what it felt like you were doing!"
Gabby's eyes widen in shock at his outburst. Both of them stare at each other, breathing unsteady.
She is the first to look away. His words hitting her like a freight train and the tears welling in her eyes once again. "Maybe I shouldn't have come back." She says softly.
Matt, not ready to let go of his anger, scuffs again. "Don't. Don't do that."
The brunette looks back to him, her jaw setting. Her anger picking back up at his flippant response. "Do you even want me here, or did you just want me back here for another quick lay?! Hell, you couldn't even stick around a month ago in the hotel. You just left me there!"
"I left because I couldn't stand another goodbye!" He hollers, his words hanging heavy in the air around them. He stalks toward her his movements slow. "I left because I couldn't stand watching you walk away again. I couldn't stand waking up and saying goodbye to you again. I couldn't go through it again! The last time nearly killed me. You thing I wanted to leave you? Do you think I wanted to send those divorce papers? I didn't Gabby! God, when I asked you to marry me, both times; when we finally got married, I never would have expected this to be how we ended. I never thought when we said I do it would end in us signing divorce papers in a million years. I thought we were stronger than that."
"I did too." Gabby tells him, her voice thick with emotions. "I want us to be." She clarifies. "I hate what happened. I hate that we both let us get to this point, I hate that I left, but I want us to learn from this, to grow from this and be better. I want us to work, Matt."
He nods. "I want that too." The both let themselves calm down, but Matt knows there is one more thing they need to talk about, one more thing they have to get through before they can start to pick up the pieces and move on from this. "But we have to talk about it Gabby." He watches her tense at his words. "If we are ever going to have a real shot again, we have to work through this."
"I know." She says but makes no move to start the conversation, her body still visibly tense.
Casey sighs, and decides he is the one who needs to get the ball rolling.
"I can't lose you. No matter how small of a chance. I can't. That's why I went to the adoption center. I thought maybe if I was able to lay all the information out and show you it didn't have to be like with Louie... I never meant to go behind your back or to hurt you. I just wanted you to see it from my eyes, that I wasn't willing to gamble with your life. If the roles were reversed can you really say you would let me risk my life?" He asks her softly, hoping she would see his point.
"I know you say it won't be like Louie, and I want to believe you, but it's not like everything that happened with Louie was supposed to happen... it was supposed to be private, and then it wasn't and he was gone. You can't promise me that won't happen again." She reasons.
"And you can't promise me you having our child wouldn't kill you." He tells her, his voice harsher than he intended it to be. "This whole thing, us breaking up, you leaving... it was partially because you didn't think I wanted you, that I loved y-"
"How could you when I can't give you a child!" She cries, her outburst catching them both off guard.
There it was. Finally, out in the open. Her biggest fear.
Gabby looks away, refusing to meet his eyes.
"You have wanted to be a dad for as long as I have known you, Matt..."
"I want you, Gabby."
"Stop saying that!" She cries, her voice rising. He pursues his lips, watching her pained expression that matched his own. "How can you be okay with this? How can you look at me and be okay with never having a child of your own?! Because I'm not!" She cries.
His heart aches at her words, never realizing how much Gabby was beating herself up about this. How much pain she had been carrying on her shoulders and never mentioned her true feelings about it all to him. He moves across the room and pulls her into his arms, unable to keep the distance between them any longer.
Her cries hit his ears and tear through him. "I want you. Just you. Don't you ever doubt that. If this is all I have for the rest of my life, I am okay with that. As long as I have you, Gabby." He tells her, pressing kisses to her head as she clutches to him.
"I can't," She hiccups, her cries taking over. "I can't stop thinking that you'll resent me. I want to have a baby Matt. I want to have our baby, and I feel like no matter what I do you're going to resent me. If I get pregnant and the worst happens you are going to resent me for forcing you into it and if we decide not to have a baby you are going to look back in a few years and resent that I couldn't give you a child."
Her words sliced through him like a knife. She can feel his body tense at her words as he still holds her in his arms.
He doesn't know what to do to convince her that he won't, that she is all he needs to be happy.
"That will never happen. I could never resent you for something so out of your control. You didn't choose this Gabby. You didn't choose this to be our situation. I don't need you to give me an easy out, I am here. Whether it's you and me, or you and me and a child of our own or an adopted child. As long as you are by my side, I will be happy. If this past year has taught me nothing else it's that my happiness doesn't exist without you. You are everything, baby. You are all I need."
If you're gonna break my heart, just break it
And if you're gonna take your shot, take it
Take it
Oh if you're gonna break my heart, just break it
And if you're gonna take your shot, then take it
Take it
"Thank you," Matt whispers against her head as they lay in bed later that night. Both exhausted from their day.
"For what?" Gabby murmured, her head buried in his chest as she snuggled into his side, their bare bodies tucked together under the cool sheets of their bed.
"For coming home." He says simply, though the words hold so much weight. "For fighting to come to Chicago for that ball, even if you lied and said you were ordered here." He teases lightly, Gabby's wide eyes looking up at him questioningly.
He chuckles at her expression and places a kiss on her forehead. "Your boss sold you out when I grabbed us that red wine."
She bows her head again, a blush filling her cheeks that he adored. "All kidding aside," Matt continues, his voice turning serious once more. "Thank you for coming back to me, even when I didn't make it easy. I love you so much, Gabriella. I always have, and I always will. I'll spend the rest of my life making sure you know it."
Gabby looked up at him, her brown eyes glassy as she pulled him down into a sweet kiss. "Thanks for never giving up on me, on us. I'm sorry for ever making you doubt how much you mean to me, for ever leaving you. You mean the world to me, Matt Casey. I love you so much."
They kissed slowly, their lips melding together in the all too familiar dance they had perfected long ago.
"I love you too, baby." Matt finally responded as they pulled apart breathless. "I'm never letting you go again."
Gabby snuggled back into him, feeling his heartbeat under her ear. The rhythm soothing her more than she would ever admit. "Good, I don't want you too."
Casey grinned at her words. Relishing the feel of having her in his arms. This was the lightest either had felt in over a year, the most at peace either had been in such a long time.
They both knew this wasn't going to be easy. Though they had talked a lot and aired out a major majority of their issues, there were still talks to be had. Still, things to work through and decide on, but there would be time for that.
They would get there; they both were sure of it.
The road back to them was long and tough, but getting to be wrapped in each other embrace now, it all felt worth it.
This was where they belonged.
Together.
Forever.
If you made up your mind, then make it
Make this fast
If you ever loved me
Mmmh if you ever loved me
Have mercy
Oh have mercy
Oh have mercy
Have mercy
Wooh, that was a rough one.
Full disclosure, the conversation about Gabby not being able to have kids and her and Matt's dialogue is partially pulled from real-life conversations with my husband after we went through a similar situation... so you can imagine those were tough to write, but also very cathartic for me.
I hope I did this couple, this incredibly tough situation they are in, and this song justice.
Thanks for reading, and please let me know what you thought!