Chapter Thirty-Six – Something More
A week or so later, Brooke and Rachel were walking through the hallways of the hospital on their way to rounding in on their patients. Haley and Nathan had just left for their honeymoon, but in a surprising turn of events, they weren't the only ones who decided they needed to get away for a while.
"Oh" Rachel said as she stopped and looked down at the email she had just received on her phone.
Brooke turned to look at her, "What?"
"Lucas is gone?" she asked as she showed Brooke the email.
"Uh… yeah. Yeah. He's taking a little break, sorting his head out a little. He did almost die and all…" Brooke said as she shifted awkwardly. She was trying to put on a brave face about the whole thing, but in all honesty—she was angry. He'd promised they would always work through things together but apparently this was too much for him. Apparently this was something he didn't want Brooke's help with.
"Where did he go?"
"LA. My mom recommended this beautiful secluded retreat spot so, he's just taking some time."
"And he didn't take you with him?" Rachel questioned, wondering why Brooke was so calm about this. "If anybody deserves a vacation it's you momma pants."
"It's fine, really. Hey, I gotta go but uh—I'll catch you later, we can do lunch" Brooke suggested, mustering up as much of a smile as she could before walking away, leaving a worried Rachel behind her.
Brooke made her way round to the lab to help Clay with some research the department was working on. As soon as she walked into the room, Clay was on her about what to do next, and Brooke was in no mood to be bossed around.
"I need some images of—" Clay said.
Brooke cut him off; "I did that yesterday while you were off in the OR drilling burr holes and I was feeling neglected." she said as she sat on one of the stools.
"Well if you want a change of pace I've got an epidural abscess you can take off my plate."
Brooke sighed and crossed her arms; "Clay, not your surgery lap dog, you don't get to hand off the surgeries you don't want to do to me."
"Who shoved a stick up your ass this morning?" Clay grumbled. Yet another mistake.
"You really don't want to piss me off today." Brooke said through her teeth. "Maybe go back to thinking about why you can't get your head out of your ass and tell Rachel how you feel." She grumbled as she set something under a microscope.
"I really wish everyone would stop sticking themselves into my business." Clay said, taking his term to grumble. It appeared that Brooke's bad mood was contagious. "Why can't people just let things be? Why can't they just let life happen? Sometimes things work out for themselves, in ways you can't even imagine! Sometimes, surprises are good." He rambled.
"Yeah, well, sometimes surprises suck!" Brooke shouted before quickly leaving the room. So much for some peaceful lab work.
After skilfully avoiding people for the rest of the morning, Brooke jumped out of her skin when Rachel suddenly appeared behind her.
"God Rachel, is it really necessary to sneak up on me like that?" Brooke snapped as she marched into the attending's lounge. Rachel stood there for a minute, thinking about Brooke snapping at her. Clay had mentioned she was a little on edge earlier, but she didn't take it seriously until now. Why was she—oh. She knew exactly why.
Rachel followed Brooke into the lounge and saw her sitting on the sofa, twiddling her thumbs.
"There is something you want to get off your chest." Rachel announced.
"What?"
"You are mad about something and I was about to brush it off but—there is something on your mind. Something tells me that the chipper exterior you had on this morning about Lucas leaving was exactly that—an exterior. What's going on?" Rachel asked as she sat down beside her.
Brooke looked down at her lap. She hated feeling vulnerable. She hated showing it. But here she was.
"He just woke up this morning and said he needed to go. He said he needed to take a step back from his whole life and see the bigger picture. He has some big questions and he needs some big answers." Brooke said quietly.
Rachel nodded; "Lucas left." She stated. Of course Brooke would be upset about that, and now that she knew how it went down, she completely understood why.
"Yeah. He left. So I told him it was ok, and it is ok to want to take some time and I totally get it but—I'm not really fine and I don't really think it's ok. I'm struggling not to get angry that he is just ignoring what he has. He feels like he has to search for something more when everything I thought we needed was right here. Am I not good enough?" she asked as she finally looked at Rachel with tears in her eyes.
"Brooke—"
"I almost died too and all I feel is gratitude and then—and then I find out that we're having twins and I freak out and it's as if—it's as if he doesn't care. He talked and talked about what he was going through but he just doesn't care how I'm feeling. That he's left me alone to deal with this. He was the one who wanted to have more kids in the first place. When you marry someone, you can't be selfish. You're a partnership. Why won't he just let me in? Why did he take everything I said to him for granted? Why couldn't we do this together?"
"He clearly has a lot going on—" Rachel said as she rubbed a hand across her friend's back.
Brooke scoffed and covered her eyes; "God, my dad would be rolling in his grave if he saw me letting Lucas treat me like crap—again."
"You know what? Let Lucas deal with his crap. If anything, it's going to make him realise all that he has right here. I know you feel alone right now, but you are anything but. You have me and Nathan and Haley and Clay and Kate and we're right here to help you get through your worries and your anxieties and your questions. Take this time to focus on yourself. You two can hash it out in the old-fashioned Brooke and Lucas style when he gets back." Rachel said with a little snigger. There really was nothing like a Brooke and Lucas show down.
Brooke laughed; "God, we are so messed up."
"A very special kind of messed up that somehow works. He will come back to you. I promise." Rachel said as she hugged her friend tightly, wishing she could take her sadness away.
Later that night, Rachel heard a knock at the front door and went to investigate. When she opened it, she was surprised to see Brooke and Sophie on the other side.
"Room for two more?" Brooke asked. As soon as she got home, she couldn't stand being in that big old house by herself. She was now so used to a crazy house, and without Lucas it just felt so lonely. Right now, she needed family. She needed her best friend.
"Always." Rachel said as she stepped aside from the door and let Brooke in.
A few weeks later, Rachel made her way downstairs in the middle of the night, trying to rub the sleep out of her eyes. She was in desperate need of a drink and when she got to the kitchen she was surprised to see Brooke sitting at the table concentrating on something on her phone.
"What are you doing up?" Rachel asked.
"Couldn't sleep" Brooke grumbled as she didn't take her eyes off her phone. Lucas has been gone for 2 weeks now and it wasn't getting any easier for Brooke to sleep without him.
Suddenly, the front door opened and closed and Nathan rushed into the kitchen.
"OK, I'm here, what's the crisis?"
"You called Nate to come over here in the middle of the night?"
Brooke pouted, "He's wise, I need his help. Lucas sent me a picture… of the sky." She said as she threw her phone down on the table and Rachel and Nathan looked at it.
Rachel scrunched up her face, "The sky?"
"Does he not realise you see the sky… everyday?" Nathan asked.
"I'd like to think that he realises that Nate." Brooke grumbled as she put her head down on the table. Lucas's silence apart from the occasional landscape picture was driving her nuts—but she was too stubborn to do anything about it right now. "If he's leaving me to look at the sky for the rest of his life at least I had some warning…"
"Lucas is coming back" Nathan said as he sat down at the table.
"Damn sky…" Brooke grumbled. "I need a sedative."
"It's just the sky Brooke." Nathan encouraged. It probably didn't have any meaning at at all.
"If Haley sent you a photograph of the sky, what would you think?"
"I would think either a) he really likes how the sky looks today and wants to share it or b) your husband wants to talk to you, but he doesn't know what to say so he sent you a photo of the sky to try and spark conversation." He suggested.
"A sunset I would have understood, a sunset in LA is stunning, but a blue sky? Pointless! That's not a conversation starter!"
"So he's in LA? On what? A spiritual sabbatical?"
Brooke rolled her eyes, "More like a spiritual spring break... What do I do?"
Nathan sighed, "You wait. He'll get his head together soon. I promise."
The following morning, Brooke was walking through the ward when Bevin walked over. She'd been dealing with a difficult case today. A patient was going to die and her husband didn't want to tell their son, which Bevin was having a hard time coming to terms with. While she dealt with the father, she needed to find someone to keep the little boy company and the first person she came across was Brooke.
"Brooke, see that little boy there? His name is Finn. Could you take him to get something to eat or something?" Bevin begged.
"Is this your patient's son?" Brooke asked.
"Yeah, there's a very slim chance that she's going to make it and the dad doesn't want to tell him and he's freaking out so—" Maggie explained.
"It's ok, I got it" Brooke said as she walked over to the little boy and bent down to his height.
"Hey. Finn, right?" Brooke asked with a smile as he nodded. "I'm Dr. Davis. Dr. Prince asked me to come find you. Are you hungry?" she asked, but he shook his head.
"Well… you want to see something cool?" she asked, as his head lifted up.
Brooke brought him up to the helipad and sat him down on the helicopter, over looking the whole city. The view was beautiful from up here, and Brooke always appreciated any time she could come up here for a breather.
"Are we allowed up here?" Finn asked nervously.
"Not really. But that's what makes it fun, right?" Brooke said.
"I know she's not ok. I can tell. Why is my dad lying to me?" Finn asked after a moment of silence.
"I wouldn't say he's lying Finn, he's just trying to…" Brooke said, struggling to find the words. Maybe her own experience in this matter could help him. "You know, when I was a resident, my dad was coming home from a trip to Washington. As I was leaving the hospital that day, my brother ran over to me and told me that I needed to go with him because my dad was really sick. When we got there—he had already died of a brain bleed. Truth was, when my brother told me dad was sick—he already knew he was dead."
"Your brother lied to you?"
"Yeah. Believe me Finn, I was so mad at him. But then he said—I couldn't let you find out, without me and Matty being there to hug you. And then I understood." Brooke explained. "The truth can sometimes be difficult to face, even for adults. Your dad is trying to protect you and anything he is doing he is doing out of love. Trust him." Brooke encouraged as Finn almost reluctantly nodded his head.
Brooke conversation with Finn had completely deflated her. She was glad she could maybe provide some comfort to the little boy, but it didn't change the fact that his mother was probably going to die. On top of that, it really didn't make Brooke's mood any better by thinking about the day her dad died.
She quietly slipped home that night and went straight to bed, not wanting to talk to anybody for the rest of the night – or the rest of that weekend for that matter. But then she woke up that Sunday morning to an unexpected text. After almost two weeks gone and a bunch of pictures of the sky, Lucas was making his return to Raleigh… because he had a patient he needed to see to.
Brooke wanted to throw her phone at the wall. But instead, she spent the rest of the day stewing over his return and planning what she wanted to say to him. She knew she had to be honest, but she had a funny feeling her temper was going to get the better of her.
That Monday morning, Brooke stormed through the hospital hallways just waiting for him to pop up.
"Hey" Rachel greeted Brooke as she bumped into her. "I got your tea—you look stressed." She quickly observed as Brooke gratefully took the tea from her. Her herbal tea was the only thing calming her down right about now. "What's wrong?"
"Lucas's coming back today" Brooke told her as they started walking through the hallway.
"Isn't that a good thing?" Rachel asked, wondering why Brooke wasn't smiling at this news.
"He's only here for a patient, he'll probably take off again once he's done… and there are a lot of things I want to say to that man and none of them are good. So yes. I am stressed." Brooke said angrily.
"Ok. Firstly, you should just tell him these things. Get those feelings out in the open so you can fix the situation. Secondly… you should go see Maxine." Rachel said as Brooke stopped to look at her.
"Who is Maxine?" Brooke questioned as she stopped to look at Rachel.
"Nathan's patient, the one who created the online dating service."
"… I'm not looking to get into online dating." Brooke said, completely confused by Rachel's suggestion.
"I know that, but you should go see her for something else. She's a bit of a love guru apparently, always looking to dish out some advice and I hear it's pretty spot on." Rachel told her. Truth was, she'd gone to speak to Maxine about Clay on multiple occasions, but she wasn't about to admit that just yet. "I think she could help you get to the root of the problem and help you fix it."
"… that's absurd."
"Don't knock it till you try it."
Brooke opened her mouth to protest further, but was stopped when the lounge room door opened, and Lucas appeared in front of them.
"Hey…" he greeted sheepishly, as Brooke just stared at him
"Uh… welcome back, Lucas." Rachel said as Lucas gave her a small smile. "I'm going to—yeah, I'm going to work…" Rachel said awkwardly as she swiftly walked away from the couple.
Lucas looked at Brooke and smiled; "You look amazing. You've really popped…" he said motioning to her stomach. He'd been gone for a little over two weeks, a lot can change in a pregnancy in that time.
"Yeah, well, that's what happens when you're pregnant." Brooke said as she walked on and Lucas moved to keep up with her.
"I wasn't sure if you were reading any of my texts" Lucas said.
"Yeah, you met a boy with bone deformities around his neck and you flew him and his family here to operate. Did you get my reply?"
"You mean the letter K? Yeah." Lucas said, a little unimpressed by her reply.
Brooke shrugged; "I thought you were a fan of brevity."
"Brooke, hold on." Lucas said as he pulled her arm and turned her around. "I know my trip was sudden. I know this was sudden. I just really miss you."
"There are a lot of things I want to say to you right now. Things that I have been running through my head for weeks." Brooke said with a clenched jaw.
"Well then say them. Please, say them." Lucas said. He'd been preparing himself for the wrath of Brooke, but he wasn't sure there really was anything he could do.
Brooke grabbed his arm and pulled him into the nearby supply closet in case this got too heated for public consumption.
"I told you that it was fine for you to go. But it wasn't fine. Not even remotely fine." Brooke said as she paced in front of him.
"Brooke—"
"Those texts that you've been sending me. Not once did you ask about me. Or Sophie. Or the babies. You just sent me the freakin sky. Did you conveniently forget about your kids Lucas?" Brooke asked.
"I—"
"Let me talk." Brooke said. It was a serious question, but in that moment, entirely rhetorical. "I have wondered for weeks why you couldn't look at me when you told me you were going."
Lucas gulped; "… if I took one look at you I wouldn't have gone."
"That should scream volumes Lucas!" Brooke exclaimed as she raised her voice. "You wouldn't have been able to go because you shouldn't have gone."
"I almost lost my life Brooke"
"So did I!" Brooke shouted as she left Lucas in silence. She took a breath before speaking again; "You talk and you talk about wanting to do everything together and I think that you're hearing me and listening to what I need but then you disappear and I realise you weren't listening to me at all!"
"I did listen Brooke. And I am here. I am here right now. Listening to you shouldn't come at the cost of looking after myself."
"I understand that Lucas. Of course, I want you to look after yourself, but I want you to talk to me about going away, not just waking up one morning and walking out the door! You didn't even tell me you were going to LA, I knew that you were in LA because my mom called me and told me about the places she'd recommended to you!"
"I'm sorry—"
"Look, you have surgery, I have patients, so—" she said before swiftly pushing past him and leaving the closet.
After putting her pride aside and listening to Rachel, Brooke slowly made her way round to Maxine's room to see what the expert had to say about her predicament. She sheepishly stood in the door frame, as Maxine smiled widely when she spotted her.
"I know you. You're Dr. Brooke Davis" Maxine said with a smile.
Brooke eyed her curiously, "Sounds like you've been spying on us all around here…" she joked.
"Just a little. Spending your days in a hospital bed can get a little boring" Maxine said with a little laugh. "I hope you don't mind me saying, but you are glowing Dr. Davis." It was true. Pregnancy really suited Brooke, even despite the stress she was feeling.
Brooke chuckled; "I certainly don't feel like I'm glowing."
"It wouldn't have anything to do with a certain Dr. Scott coming back into town would it?" Maxine asked with a smirk.
"Where did you hear that?"
"I've got eyes and ears everywhere…" Maxine revealed. It appeared that Brooke was right about the spying Maxine was doing. She guessed she wouldn't even have to explain the whole thing to her much.
"He's here to do a complex surgery and then he'll probably take off again." Brooke explained.
"So you're sad he's only in town for a short amount of time?"
Brooke shrugged; "I wouldn't say that…"
"Oh, so he's in the doghouse then." Maxine said, finally catching on to Brooke's mood.
"I got pretty angry with him this morning." Brooke said quietly. "It's just—it's the way he left. He just got up one morning and made this huge decision to leave without even talking to me about it. He barely communicated once he was gone, he didn't call to check on me or Sophie or the babies… who does that? I just feel like he's completely disregarded the point of marriage. We're a partnership, we take on each other's problems. I took on his but—he didn't seem to want to take on mine. I get having big questions. I want him to go and get his answers I just—I didn't want him to freeze me out in the process."
"What are your big questions?" Maxine asked.
"When is he coming back? Does he even want this family? Why does he keep texting me pictures of the sky?" Brooke said, still not over the tree thing.
"Not big questions about him. Big questions about you."
For the rest of the day, Brooke wandered aimlessly around the hospital, taking in what Maxine had said. Maybe she should have used this time to work on herself. To think about her own big questions and big thoughts rather than freaking out about Lucas's. She had big questions about her career, about her kids. What she did know, was that Lucas was somewhere in this hospital and it was killing her that her pride was getting in the way of just being with him and talking to him.
She walked into the gallery of Lucas's surgery and was surprised to see him sitting there, deep in thought.
Time to break the ice I guess.
"Isn't that your patient?" Brooke asked as Lucas turned his head, surprised to see her.
"Yeah, it's looking a lot more complicated than I'd anticipated." He told her. "I'm just trying to think up here. Look at it from above."
"My mom always did say everything was clearer on the mountaintop." Brooke mumbled.
"Hm?"
"When you can get some distance and separate yourself from your problems they all seem so solvable but then you get back into real life and nothing is black and white, everything's all muddy—" Brooke said, not talking so much about the surgery anymore, but about their own situation.
Lucas quickly turned to look at her as he had a light bulb moment; "Everything's clearer on the mountaintop."
Brooke eyed him curiously as he sprung from his seat and over to the intercom.
"Guys don't move, I'm coming down." He said as he quickly dashed out of the room. While Lucas worked to save this little boy and not make his situation worse, Brooke made her way back round to Maxine. She had her own revelation about the whole thing and needed to say it out loud.
"Hey." She greeted Maxine as she walked into her room. "I'm still mad at Lucas… Kind of…" she said. Right now, her anger had subsided, and she was just glad that he was here. "But you're right. I have some big questions and some big things that I need to figure out and I've just been avoiding them and that needs to stop. I need to step back and look at things because… everything is clearer from the mountaintop. So thank you." She said sincerely.
Maxine smiled at her; "Oh honey. You don't need to thank me. You got there all on your own."
That night, Brooke tucked Sophie into her bed at Rachel 's house and was about to turn off the light when she heard someone enter the room and a fair of arms wrap around her waist.
"Can I kiss you please? We did it. We saved his life and his quality of life." Lucas said happily as he rested his face against her head.
Brooke leaned back into his chest; "Congratulations"
"No, both of us, we. You reminded me to step back. You gave me clarity, you always give me clarity." He said as Brooke smiled softly and slipped out of his arms, motioning for him to come into the hallway so they didn't wake Sophie.
"Are you leaving tomorrow?" she asked quietly as she crossed her arms.
"No. No I'm done being gone." Lucas said as he took a step forward and rested his hands on her arms. "Everything you said to me earlier—you were right. I may have big questions but I'm not going to find them away from the people that I love most on this earth. Saving lives like this and being your husband and Sophie's father—it's what makes me feel a part of something that's larger than me. I had an amazing day today. The best day that I've had in a very long time and you are a huge part of that. Coming home and seeing my baby asleep in her bed and seeing you keeping my other two babies warm and seeing you and just how radiant you are… this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I'm sorry that it took this long for me to realise it. I apologise for the way that I left. Truly. It will never happen again." He said sincerely.
Brooke nodded softly before saying; "Come with me."
Brooke took Lucas down to the hall to Rachel's office and opened the door to reveal that Brooke had stuck countless scans on the wall, she had written all over them, she was connecting the dots on some neuro work and it was pretty spectacular.
"This… this is my mountain top. Well—one the peaks anyway. I'm starting to think I have many." Brooke said with a little laugh as she reached on to the desk and handed him a file.
"What is it?" Lucas asked as he took the file from her.
"It's the research that Clay, myself and Andy have been working on. This is my thing Lucas. This is what I want to be doing, this is what gives me a reason to keep going. I don't need to look for something else. I want to do something worthwhile, just like you are. Just like everyone in the hospital is. I want to be a part of something bigger too. Something bigger in my career and something bigger in making sure these babies are ok. And I want to do it with you by my side." Brooke said quietly as Lucas looked at her in wonder. She truly was the most amazing woman and he was so thankful in that moment.
"I'm right here."
"I know. But I swear to god Lucas if you ever pick up and walk out that door again—"
"Never again."
"Well then, yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes. You can kiss me." Brooke said with a small smile that Lucas returned before wrapped his arms around her and kissing her with everything that was in him.