Strength

by DatHeetJoella

When Makoto falls ill, Haruka finds the need upon himself to become his strength. MakoHaru Canon Divergence

4. Chapter 4

A/N: First of all, I'm so sorry it took me so incredibly long to get this chapter out. I have no excuse other than the fact that I've been working on my other MakoHaru fics. Again, I'm so sorry. I hope there are still people left who would like to read the rest of this fic, because I still don't have any intention to drop it.

Actually, it would have taken me even longer to get this chapter out, the reason for that being that this is only a part of what chapter 4 was like in my head. I decided to split the original concept of chapter 4 into two parts because otherwise it would take me even longer to get it out since I would only be halfway done and then after months of waiting you'd get a huge chapter. I already contemplated doing this multiple times but decided against it every time until I was adviced to do it anyway, so here we are. The good point in this is that I'm already writing chapter 5 as we speak, so it shouldn't take me nearly as long as this chapter has. Once again, my sincerest apologies.

Besides that another thing I wanted to mention is the High Speed! movie that recently came out. While this is a canon divergence fic and therefore a continuation of the events of the movie, I ask you to not pay too much attention to the movie while reading this fic. Obviously when I started this fic the movie wasn't out yet and I hadn't seen it for the majority of this chapter.

Other than that I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, especially after having to wait for it so long.

---

Moonlight was shining through the window by the time Haruka's eyes fluttered open. Disoriented, he lifted his head to look around himself and saw that he was in Makoto's room. He was still lying against Makoto's chest, their arms loosely wrapped around each other and puffs of breath tickling his hair.

He pulled back slightly to look at Makoto's face and everything that had happened the past twenty-four hours shot through his mind. If he hadn't been drained from all the tears, emotions, and energy he had, the dam surely would've broken again.

For a brief moment he tightened his arms around Makoto's back and buried his face in Makoto's chest once more. Rubbing his cheek against his torso and closing his eyes, Haruka sighed before reluctantly pulling back. The shirt that had been absolutely drenched with Haruka's tears was luckily mostly dry, otherwise he would've had to wake Makoto, which he didn't want to do.

One of his hands came up from Makoto's waist to his face, cupping it and stroking the skin with his thumb. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Makoto's cheek. If this was the only kiss he would ever be able to give him, then he was happy to have at least had it.

After a few seconds he tilted his head to rest their foreheads together. Even if he would never have the chance to tell him, he wanted Makoto to know how much he cared about him, how much he loved him. Though he only had the confidence to show it when Makoto was unconscious, he was convinced that somehow, Makoto would know.

Although he wished to stay in Makoto's embrace for the rest of his life, he knew that wasn't possible.

With another sigh Haruka withdrew himself and climbed out of Makoto's lap. His body ached from lying in the same odd position for a long time and he stretched his arms over his head, his back cracking with the movement. Glancing back at Makoto, he noticed how uncomfortable he must have been, sitting against the wall without a pillow to support his back, his head awkwardly hanging forward. A pang shot through his chest; Makoto was willing to suffer the discomfort for the sake of consoling him. He truly was too good for this world.

If he stayed like this for any longer, he would definitely be sore in the morning. The illness already gave him more than enough pain as it was, no need to increase it in a way that could easily be prevented.

Trying to figure out how to best move him without waking him, Haruka cradled his neck with his left hand and supported the small of his back with his right, softly moving him and slowly lowering him so he was lying down with his head on the pillow. Then he gently grabbed the duvet from underneath Makoto and with a bit of effort pulled it away so he could cover him with it. Miraculously, Makoto didn't wake up despite being moved and touched.

He crouched next to Makoto's head, staring at his serene face and caressing his cheek with his fingers once more. What he wouldn't give for all of this to go away, what he wouldn't do for Makoto to get better. Sometimes he found himself thinking that he would trade places with Makoto if he could, but he knew that Makoto wouldn't want that, that he'd rather shoulder everything himself and protect his loved ones. Yet, Haruka knew that he would do anything possible if it meant that Makoto would survive.

When Haruka glanced at the alarm clock that stood at the headboard of Makoto's bed, he saw that it was already past midnight. It was time for him to let Makoto sleep. He got up and grabbed the duvet, pulling it further over Makoto's body and tucking him in. Then he turned to close the curtains, darkening the room ever so slightly.

With a heavy heart, he tore his eyes away from Makoto and walked towards the door, not allowing himself to stop and look back at the boy's sleeping form. The umpteenth sigh left his lips before he exited the room and softly shut the door behind him.

The futon had been laid out in the twins' room instead of Makoto's room as it usually would have been. That way it wouldn't be in the way in case of emergencies, if something happened or when he needed help directly at his side. Besides that, it would also give Makoto more rest, without Haruka entering and leaving his room as he pleased.

It wasn't that Haruka was displeased with this, he understood that this was for the best, but he couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep listening to Makoto's soft, comforting breathing. He would have to do with the light snoring of Ren and Ran, which he didn't mind per se, but would have a harder time drifting off to.

Instead of going to bed himself, his legs took him down the stairs. It was completely dark downstairs, save for a single light coming from the kitchen. That's where he headed and he saw Mrs. Tachibana sitting at the dining table, her hands clenched around a mug as she was staring at a large book that was lying in front of her on the table.

When she saw him she shut the book and got up, walking back into the kitchen without a word. Haruka didn't say anything either, just quietly sitting down in one of the chairs. He peered at the cover of the book, but the dim light that illuminated the room wasn't bright enough for him to make out what it said. Judging by the thickness of the pages, it was most likely a photo album.

After a minute or two Mrs. Tachibana returned with another steaming cup and she handed it to Haruka, who accepted it with a small nod. Now she was closer to him, Haruka was able to look at her face properly. Her cheeks were red and her eyes puffy, so she had probably been crying when Haruka came in.

Haruka didn't mention it, simply taking a sip of the drink he had been given. Chamomile tea, he concluded, the liquid burning his tongue a little. The warmth of the tea did nothing to soothe his aching heart. Mrs. Tachibana sat back down in her seat but she didn't open the album, instead wrapped her hands around her mug again.

For a while they sat together, sipping their tea and collecting their thoughts. The hecticness of the day had worn them out completely. Silence filled the air between them, neither needing words to know that their feelings were the same. The quiet comfort of the presence of someone who knew exactly what they were feeling and going through calming them. An odd sense of tranquility that spoken words would only ruin.

As soon as his cup was empty, he got up and went to put it on the counter. Another nod was all he bid Mrs. Tachibana as he left the room, leaving her so she could process everything in solitude, so she could let everything go before being forced to put the mask back on when the morning came.

Once he was done brushing his teeth he returned to the twins' room to change his clothes before he went to sleep. The futon was cold as he lied down and he curled up into himself, pulling the duvet up to his chin. The feeling of a room swallowing him had become quite familiar to him these past few months. A single tear fell from his eye and rolled down his skin.

---

Just like Haruka had expected, both Ran and Ren had imagined things to be completely different now that their brother was home. They thought that since Makoto was home now, that meant that he was better, like he was only sick when he was at the hospital. Even though their parents had carefully explained that Makoto would come home to rest, that he was still very sick and would need to be left alone for the majority of the time so he could sleep and that therefore they would have to be quieter than usual, the enthusiasm of the twins overshadowed their ability to properly comprehend the words they had been told.

So they were tremendously disappointed when they came back the next day with an entire mental list of things they planned to do with their brother the upcoming two weeks and were reminded of Makoto's illness by witnessing it first hand.

It hurt Makoto so much to see their saddened faces and to know that he was unable to meet their expectations, and he wanted to do everything in his might to cheer them up.

The first thing the twins wanted to do was putting up the Christmas tree. It was something they did every single year and this one was no different. Even if he wouldn't be able to help decorate the tree, Makoto had requested to be moved downstairs so that he could at least watch and give his siblings the feeling that he was still a part of it.

The couch was turned into Makoto's make-shift bed for the afternoon so he wouldn't miss out on any of the festivities nor get too tired from attending it.

After confirming with Makoto that it was okay, Mrs. Tachibana turned on the radio and the soft tune of Christmas carols became the background music of the scene, filling up the emptiness in the hopes of giving them a more holiday-like feeling. Needless to say, because of the circumstances, holiday spirit wasn't anywhere near their mindset - save for the twins'.

Impatiently the twins waited for their father and Haruka to put up the tree - they always had a fake one since Mrs. Tachibana was allergic to real pine trees - and to wrap it in colourful lights before they could hang the ornaments in it. In the meanwhile they sat themselves down at Makoto's foot end and told him all about the sleepover they had at their friend's house. Makoto just smiled through the entirety of their story, his true feelings perfectly shielded as he assumed the role of the sick-but-not-too-sick elder brother.

When his mother whisked them away so they could 'help her with putting up other ornaments around the house', Makoto only gave her a look that said that it was all fine, but Mrs. Tachibana wouldn't have any of it. Like Haruka, she saw right through Makoto's act, but she also knew that there wasn't anything they could say to Makoto to make him drop it.

Soon the tree was all set and ready to be decorated. Eagerly the twins got to work, picking out balls in their favourite colour and hanging them in the tree. Numerous of other decorative and seasonal items joined the balls in the tree, filling up the empty spaces on the branches.

Haruka let them have their fun, taking his place on the other end of the couch next to Makoto's feet and watching the excited children together with their brother. The familiar look of fondness lit up Makoto's pale face as he witnessed his siblings' antics, unknowingly bringing a surge of warmth to Haruka's heart.

It didn't take long until Ran and Ren were finished and all of the ornaments were hanging in the tree; some branches were still empty while others were filled with an abundance, but honestly, it didn't matter. It wasn't a contest of having the most breathtaking and outstandingly beautiful tree, it was a tree which the children had enjoyed to decorate in their own little way. Truly, it couldn't have looked any better. All that was left was the grand finale; the golden star topper. However, this brought on a little issue; who was going to put it on top?

In previous years, Ren and Ran always argued who was allowed to finish up the tree with the topper. Every year again there was the same conflict. As a compromise, Makoto would always lift them up, Ren on his left arm and Ran on his right, so they could put it on together. That way, they both got what they wanted without one of them feeling left out.

This year it was different. Makoto's illness had weakened him considerably and he wouldn't have the strength to lift the children separately, let alone both at the same time.

The room was silent as they quickly tried to find a solution to this problem. If he'd been able to, Haruka would've offered to lift the twins, but he wasn't strong enough to lift them both that high at the same time. The only person who'd be able to do it at that moment was their father. However, no matter who did it, it would never be the same for them as when their brother did it.

Hesitantly, Ran and Ren looked at each other, neither daring to ask the question that was weighing on all their minds. Haruka turned his head towards Makoto and saw that he was seriously considering to try to lift them like he usually did. Just as he was about to open his mouth to voice his contemplation, Mr. Tachibana spoke.

"Why don't we let Haru-kun put the star on top this year? You do it every year, so it's only fair that Haru-kun gets a turn as well, right?"

The twins eagerly agreed to that and Makoto let out a sigh, but Haruka could tell that it wasn't simply a sigh of relief. Rather than that, it was more of a sigh of disappointment. It was written all over his face; he was disappointed in himself for having to let down his siblings once again, for being unable to complete the smallest of tasks once again.

It was really time for him to stop feeling so guilty about everything. It wasn't like he had asked for this, and while the twins were small and sometimes upset, it wasn't as if they blamed him for it. Though they didn't exactly understand the situation, truly they were handling it as well as they could. So, there really wasn't any reason for Makoto to feel like he was constantly failing them, as Ran and Ren clearly didn't give off that vibe.

"Don't push yourself," Haruka muttered, soft enough so only Makoto would hear him as he reassuringly rubbed Makoto's knee. Then, Haruka got up and received the star Ran handed to him, standing on his toes to place it on top of the tree.

When he sat back down on the couch, Makoto sought out his eyes and nodded, shooting him a small, apologetic smile. In response Haruka shook his head, letting him know for the millionth time that he didn't need to be sorry.

The smell of chocolate filled the room as Mrs. Tachibana walked in with a tray with six steaming mugs on top. She placed it on the salon table and started to hand out the drinks, reminding everyone - but the twins especially - that they should watch out as the drinks were hot.

Despite not being too fond of hot chocolate, Haruka accepted it with a small nod of gratitude. Usually he would've drank about half of it and would pass the rest to Makoto, who would gladly finish Haruka's share as well. That wouldn't be possible right now, as Haruka was sure that Makoto wouldn't even finish his own drink. So instead, Haruka just took small sips, softly blowing every once in a while to cool the liquid.

As impatient as ever, Ren and Ran only blew twice before trying to down the drink in big gulps, both burning their tongue and throat in the process. Their mother chided them for their gluttonous behaviour, telling them to slow down and wait for it to cool.

Once most mugs were empty - Makoto had only finished about a third of his, like Haruka had predicted - Mrs. Tachibana gathered them to take back to the kitchen while Mr. Tachibana started to clear away the boxes of the tree and ornaments. It was then that Makoto retreated to his room so he could sleep; despite having seemingly done nothing more but watch, it was obvious he was exhausted from keeping his demeanour up.

When Haruka was done helping Mr. Tachibana to return the mostly empty boxes to the attic, he went back to his own house. He would be spending the winter break over at Makoto's house and while he had enough of his stuff over at the Tachibana residence to last a few days, it would be good to have some more things so he wouldn't have to go back and forth between the two houses so much. Even though they were only apart by a flight of stairs, that didn't mean that he wanted to go through the effort of going back to his house in the cold winter weather. Besides that, he also needed to get part of Makoto's Christmas present so he could finish it before Christmas Eve and the homework assignments that he hadn't even started yet.

The rest of the afternoon and evening he spent trying to finish up Makoto's present. Ran and Ren had offered to help him out but Haruka had declined. It was only a few more days until Christmas and he wanted to make sure that everything was finished by then, which was something that couldn't be guaranteed with the twins' knitting tempo. That, and while the twins had enjoyed making something for their brother, they were children who didn't really have a long attention span and knitting wasn't exactly the most fun activity there was. Knowing that they would rather go play, Haruka let them off the hook.

---

Snow had begun to fall the next morning, coating the streets and rooftops in a cloak of white. No one was more gleeful about being blessed with a white Christmas than Ren and Ran. They were literally jumping up and down with elation and they couldn't wait until they could go out and play. The rest of their family was a bit less happy with the sudden snowfall; because of sickness and the treatment for aforementioned sickness, Makoto's immune system had weakened and he would be more susceptible to getting a cold or fever, which was something he really didn't need right now.

Though the twins were disappointed that their brother couldn't be there to join in on the fun, they were still ecstatic about building snowmen and having snowball fights. When they were all dressed up in thick winter coats, scarfs, hats, and mittens, they went out in the back yard to play.

They had invited Haruka go out and play with them, but he had to decline once more, saying that he needed to finish their brother's present. While that technically wasn't a lie, it wasn't the whole truth either; he was almost done and after that all that was left was to wrap everything, which was nothing he couldn't do in an hour or less. It wasn't that he didn't want to play with the twins, but he'd rather be alone for a while.

He often had the need to be alone for some time, which was a pretty difficult thing to manage in the Tachibana house, with the twins buzzing around all the time like moths drawn to a flame. This wasn't something he minded, per se, but sometimes he had to have a little break from it all. And lately, it seemed as if those breaks were needed more and more frequently.

Perceptive as always, Mrs. Tachibana told him that when he was done with his gift wrapping, he should go take a bath. He took her up on that offer, familiarity of craving to feel the water seeping into his bones.

Once he had wrapped everything as neatly as he could, he put it away between his belongings and went to the bathroom to turn on the bathtub's faucet. The water was hotter than he would've liked but it was not the right temperature outside to take a cold soak and like anyone else, he couldn't risk getting sick and endangering his friend because of something as ignorant and stupid as bathing in cold water in the middle of winter.

When the bath was full, he stepped inside and sat down, staring outside through the small bathroom window. A wave of nostalgia hit him as he watched the snowflakes fall, making him reminisce about previous winters.

Memories of when they were younger, of times when he was still taller than Makoto, of times when they were still blissfully unaware of the world around them and were each other's entire universe. Mostly they were just normal memories; making snow angels with Makoto, building snowmen together as well as other sculptures that always left Makoto feeling disappointed in himself because he found the things he made to be lacking and not as beautiful as the ones Haruka made, after which Haruka would start a snowball fight to cheer him up because he just couldn't stand to see him upset and wouldn't stop until he was giggling again.

But there was one memory in particular he held dear, one memory that made his chest burn with longing of the past. One time Makoto and he made an igloo that was pretty big; big enough for the both of them to fit inside. It was kind of silly, but back then he had somewhat seen it as their own little house, so he tried the best he could to make it perfect. He had even built a shelf in it, to make it more complete. It wasn't as if he sincerely believed that they could really live in there since obviously that was impossible, but he had considered it to be practice so that one day, when they were older, he could build a house they would be able to live in forever.

Makoto had loved it and praised it to the heavens, which made Haruka shyly avert his eyes and mutter something about it being nothing special but truly, Makoto's words made him beam with pride on the inside. Even back then, Haruka had known that Makoto was special to him, that he was different from everyone else.

When they were done with their igloo, they had gathered stuff from inside to make it even more homely. Wrapped up in a thick blanket they had fallen asleep, huddled close together in their icy house. A while later they had been awoken by their worried mothers and the next day they were both bedridden with a cold. Looking back on it, it might not have been the wisest decision they had ever made, but they were still young and didn't know any better, and honestly, remembering the wide grin on Makoto's face, the sparkle in his eyes, and the way they had cuddled closely together, Haruka knew that it had been totally worth it and he would do it all over again in a heartbeat. If only there was a way to return to those times of childhood happiness.

Of course, that wasn't possible. The past was the past. It was over and done. There wasn't anything that could rewind the time. But if there was, would he be able to stay trapped in the past without worries and just child-like innocence? If he wished hard enough, could he find a way to go back and change the future? Could he prevent things from turning out like this, prevent Makoto from getting sick?

Haruka let out a big sigh and splashed some water from the tub into his face. He had always considered himself to be pretty down to earth, but the circumstances made him delusional, made him hope and wish for things only a child would come up with.

There wasn't anything to do but hope and pray that he would be able to relive the past events in the future. Wish that a day would come when he and Makoto would build another igloo.

That evening gave him a bit more faith to hold onto. After having slept practically the entire day, Makoto had woken up feeling better than he had in a while. It was true that people felt better in the familiar environment of their own home than at the hospital, Haruka supposed.

Mrs. Tachibana had sent him upstairs with dinner for both Makoto and him, so Makoto wouldn't have to waste any energy by going downstairs yet still had company. Food just tastes better when someone else is enjoying it with you, she had said.

It was nice, eating dinner with Makoto like they hadn't done in a while. It wasn't like they hadn't eaten together since Makoto got sick, but it was just different when he was the only one who was really eating and Makoto was just melancholically staring at the food on his plate.

Now, the ever-present nausea had taken a step back to let Makoto eat for once without feeling like it was going to come back up with every single bite. He didn't eat as much as he used to before he got sick, but it was an improvement and improvement was always welcome, no matter what way.

When they were done eating and Haruka had taken their plates downstairs, Makoto proposed to play some games together. After confirming that he was feeling well enough, Haruka had agreed with a small smile. He understood that Makoto missed spending time with him like they did before the cancer just as much as he himself did, that he missed their calm and easy-going friendship. Again, it wasn't like they didn't see each other regularly anymore, but it felt different. It was different.

For some time, they played together. For some time, they could pretend that everything was back to normal, that none of this was happening. For some time, they were just them, Makoto and Haruka, best friends playing video games together like they did on a regular basis. And for some time, living in a beautiful illusion was better than having to face and accept the cruel reality.

Unfortunately, everything good has to come to an end at some point. Usually it would be Haruka who would get tired first, pushing himself to the point when he couldn't hold his eyes open any longer; sometimes it got so bad that Makoto had to practically drag him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. But now, it was Makoto who was frequently yawning and had suggested to go to bed. If there was anything he was supposed to be fighting, sleep wasn't it.

This time it was Haruka who supported Makoto on the way to the bathroom, gently holding his arm so he wouldn't stumble in a mix of fatigue and weakness. Like a switch had been flipped, he wasn't feeling as good anymore as he had a mere hour ago. This made Haruka realise that Makoto had knowingly overdone it, just for the sake of spending some quality time with him.

The feelings he had about this were all over the place. On one hand he was upset with Makoto for putting up that tiring demeanour for him against better knowledge and upset with himself for not noticing that his best friend was forcing himself to act like this. But on the other hand, it made him happy to know that Makoto would do this for him, that he wasn't the only one who craved the other's company, and he was glad to have had this moment with Makoto. 'Count your blessings' is what everyone always said, yet Haruka had never understood it as much as he did now.

Back in Makoto's room, it didn't take long for Makoto to fall asleep. Nowadays he always drifted off almost immediately, unlike Haruka who seemed to have a harder time falling asleep each and every night. To say that worry and concern was keeping him up at night would be nothing short of an understatement.

For another minute he knelt beside Makoto's bed and watched the gentle rise and fall of Makoto's chest. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately and while it could be considered creepy, it was one of the few things that comforted him. Allowing himself to indulge a little more, he pulled the duvet further over Makoto's body and grabbed Makoto's hand from underneath it, rubbing circles on his knuckles.

Despite never having been a touchy-feely person, as of lately he found himself yearning for physical contact more and more, specifically with Makoto. It wasn't as if he had minded Makoto's touch in the past; he had even enjoyed it then, but never had he longed for it like he had for these past few months. The simple desire to feel Makoto's hand in his, to have Makoto's arms embracing him and holding him tight, effectively shielding him from the world of hurt around them, to run his fingers through Makoto's ever-soft hair... but he couldn't. All he could do right now was caress Makoto's fingers and hope for the day to come when this was possible again.

"Don't push yourself," Haruka whispered with a final brush of his thumb over Makoto's smooth hand.

Then, he gathered himself and got up, heading to bed in the room next to this one. Slowly he opened the door as to not disturb the children's sleep, but it still creaked a bit with the motion.

The twins were both lying in their beds, seemingly asleep, yet Haruka could tell by the lack of snoring and the irregularity of their harsh breathing that they were still awake. He didn't say anything though, instead lied down on the futon. Staring up at the ceiling - that was still a bit visible thanks to the small nightlight that was plugged into the power outlet between the two beds - he waited for one of them to say something.

"Haru-chan?"

It was Ren's voice that sounded out, speaking in a tone that was just above a whisper. He sounded unsure, like he was doubting what he was about to ask and if he was allowed to say it. There was also a trace of desperation and sadness in his voice, indicating that whatever it was, it was weighing on him.

"What?" Haruka responded, encouraging Ren to say what was on his mind.

"Is Onii-chan going to die?"

Those words were like a punch in Haruka's gut, rendering him speechless. His mouth had fallen open a bit because of the unexpected question he had no idea how to answer. But even if he had known what to say, there was no time for him to give an answer before he would have been interrupted.

"Ren!" Ran yelped, loud enough to be heard downstairs and she shot up in her bed. Her reaction clearly told Haruka that the twins had discussed this and that, in her eyes, they had agreed not to talk about this.

"But... but!" Ren protested as he sat up as well. "I've asked Mommy about it before and she always says 'of course not' and that Onii-chan is going to be fine, but then sometimes when I go to the bathroom at night I can hear Mommy crying. If Onii-chan is going to be fine, then why is Mommy crying? That means that Onii-chan is going to die, right? I don't want him to die!"

By the time Ren stopped rambling, Haruka had leaned up as well, turning his head towards the twins. Ran seemed nothing short of distressed and Ren didn't only sound but also looked to be on the verge of tears.

"No! That's not true, right?" Ran cut in, her voice quivering as if she didn't completely believe what she was saying. "Onii-chan isn't going to die, right? He's going to get better, right? Of course he is! He has to! He can't die!" Tears were brimming in her teal eyes now too, nodding her head vigorously like she was trying to convince herself and the others that what she was saying was true. With a small, broken voice, she continued, "Onii-chan is going to get better, right, Haru-chan?"

Haruka took a deep breath as he tried to collect his thoughts. The twins were more perceptive than they got credit for and could easily detect when someone was being dishonest. So in order to learn the truth, they had considered asking the one who never treated them like they were just kids but rather as an equal, the one who had yet to lie to them, the only one who they knew would be honest with them for sure.

Looking for the right words to say, Haruka swallowed a few times to try to get rid of the lump in his throat, but it was to no avail.

What was he supposed to say to something like this? Whenever Haruka didn't know how to respond to something, Makoto would always save him and answer for him. But now, he knew he was on his own, and there was absolutely no way for him to back out of this. He had to answer. Even if he would have loved to assure the twins that Makoto was going to be fine, he knew he couldn't. Ran and Ren deserved to know the truth.

"I don't know," he muttered after a while of contemplation. It was the truth; he didn't know. Not knowing something had never been so frightening before.

Biting his lip, he turned back to face the door as he tried to formulate what he could say, since he couldn't just leave them hanging like that. Despite not being able to assure them that Makoto would get better, they still needed to be put at ease so they wouldn't break down with uncertainty. So that they could keep moving forward without looking back, without unintentionally holding Makoto back.

"Uh..." he tried, adjusting himself so that he was able to look at the children. Sorting out the thoughts in his mind, he attempted to explain it as well as he could to the twins. "Do you think your brother is strong?"

"Of course!" Ran immediately chimed in.

"Yeah!" Ren agreed, "Onii-chan is the strongest person ever!"

"He is," Haruka concurred, already having expected this reaction. "But, cancer is also very strong."

"But not stronger than Onii-chan, right?" Ran asked in a mix of hope and despair.

"We don't know. Right now, Makoto is fighting it very hard, but fighting makes him very tired. So, for him to be able to keep up with fighting it, he needs to sleep and rest a lot. Um, he... To help him, he gets medicine to fight the cancer with. Without it, he can't get better. But, the medicine isn't perfect and for him to use it against the cancer, he also has to use it against himself. So he gets sick and it made his hair fall out and uhh-"

"But isn't medicine supposed to make him better?" Ran inquired. "Mommy said that the medicine was to get him better."

"Well, yes," Haruka said, running a hand through his fringe in thought. He knew that their parents had already tried to explain it to them back when Makoto was first diagnosed, but he figured that there was nothing wrong with freshening it up. Perhaps they would even understand it a bit better now. "Medicine is to make him better, but since it's a very strong medicine, getting it hurts him as well. Like, he gets the medicine to destroy the bad cells in his blood, but the medicine is kind of dumb so it doesn't know which cells are bad and which cells are good. So it has no other choice but to destroy all the cells it sees, because it can't risk to let a bad cell get away..."

The sad looks on Ran and Ren's faces were replaced with looks of confusion. "But then doesn't the medicine also fight against Onii-chan? Isn't the medicine trying to kill him as well?"

"Well, yes, no, uh..." Haruka sighed, trying to find a way to explain it to the children which they would understand, a less medical way and in a way that hit closer to home. A way Makoto would have explained it. "Imagine that your brother is a knight, alright?"

"Okay," they spoke in unison.

"The cancer is an evil villain. The medicine is Makoto's sword to fight the villain with. But the sword is very heavy and has no hilt, so to use it he has to hold the blade with his hands. The villain also has a sword, but this sword is way better and easily pierces through Makoto's armour."

"That's unfair!" Ren objected.

"It is. This battle is very unfair, but your brother has no choice but to fight it. Without the sword, he has absolutely no chance of winning, so he has to use it. When he is using it, the blade cuts in his hands and the tighter he holds it, the more it hurts - so, the more medicine he gets, the sicker he gets. The villain is very strong so to fight it, Makoto needs to hold to sword tightly and to try really hard and use all of his strength to defeat it. Because the sword hurts his hands so much, he also gets gloves - which are other medicine to protect him a little from the strong medicine. Unfortunately, the gloves aren't very thick, and while they relieve the pain a little, they don't take it away completely.

"We don't know who is going to win but with the way things are going right now it isn't looking so good for your brother. It's not that he can't win anymore, but the cancer is a little bit stronger than him. So for now, Makoto has dropped the sword to let the wounds on his hands heal a bit and when he goes back to the hospital, the sword has been sharpened to help him fight even harder than before. But since the sword is sharper, it also cuts him deeper and hurts him more. Therefore he has to rest now and gather all of his strength to use later in battle. So he is only going to get sicker from now on. He has to fight all by himself, but there is a way for us to help your brother."

"How?" they questioned simultaneously. Before, they had been told that there was nothing they could do, so to hear that they could actually help him was total news to them.

"We have to be very strong, so that Makoto can be strong too. And maybe, if we are really strong, then we can give a little bit of our strength to Makoto. Only Makoto can fight it, but even a little bit of strength can make the difference between defeating and having to give up."

"But how can we be strong?" Ran asked, her tone clearly stating that she wanted to be strong, but didn't know exactly what that meant or how to do it.

"Being strong is..." Haruka started, figuring out how to properly verbalise his thoughts. "Being strong is going on. Understanding that what your brother is going through is very hard and that he needs all the rest he can get. Not being too upset when he can't be here or when he can't play. It is understanding that, but not letting it stop you from having fun yourselves. Keep on playing and smiling. Sometimes you might be sad and that's okay, that doesn't mean that you're not strong, but it's important that afterwards you get up again and go on. But mostly, being strong is being yourself. Acting the way that you always have and being there for your brother. Supporting him, uhm..." he trailed off.

That hadn't sounded as good as it had in his head. He wanted to tell the twins that they should keep on going with their lives, that they were allowed to be sad but that it couldn't stop them from living. That their brother's illness shouldn't play a major role in their everyday lives. Of course, it was a lot to adjust to for them, but that shouldn't stop them from being happy and carefree.

Even just thinking about this made him feel like a massive hypocrite, because out of everyone, he was the one who couldn't move on from his sadness, who kept on living in a slump, his mind engulfed with thoughts of cancer and death. But even knowing this, he wanted Ran and Ren to be able to live their lives the way they always had.

"But," he continued, suddenly doubting everything he had said because the twins could interpret it the wrong way. "If the cancer does win a-and Makoto dies, then... then that's not because you weren't strong enough, or didn't give him enough strength. There's only so much you can give him and it isn't nearly enough to defeat the cancer by itself. And if it wins, then that isn't because Makoto didn't fight hard enough either. He is doing everything he can but sometimes that just isn't enough. No matter how hard the knight fights, sometimes the villain is just too strong; sometimes cancer is just too strong...

"So, if, in the end, the cancer wins, then that isn't your brother's fault, okay?" he concluded, despite wishing he could end his speech on a higher and less depressing note.

Both Ran and Ren were staring at their laps dejectedly, nodding once to show that they understood. They had been listening attentively the entire time without interrupting him too often, which was a pretty rare occurrence with the twins. Even children as small as they were understood how serious all of this was. Despite not entirely understanding the concept of death, they knew it was irreversible and that it was something that they didn't want to happen to their brother - or anyone for that matter.

It saddened Haruka to know that the twins had to face this reality and contemplate these things that no one their age should even have to understand, let alone think about. Perhaps it even forced them to grow up quicker than they should have had; to see their older brother and role model battling against leukemia; a word they hadn't even known the meaning of. But the worst thing was definitely that this was something that actively played through their minds and while it may not be all day long like it was for Haruka, it shouldn't dominate their thoughts like it seemed to be doing now. There was nothing wrong with occasionally thinking about their brother and being sad about his condition, but it shouldn't stop them from continuing their daily activities. And it definitely shouldn't make them as depressed as they were at this moment.

"Haru-chan?" Ran began after a short period of silence.

"What?"

"Can we sleep with you tonight?"

"Okay," he permitted, "but only for tonight."

With Haruka's consent, the twins grabbed their pillows and climbed out of their beds, walking over to the futon and stepping inside. Ran lied down on Haruka's left, Ren on his right. It was a tight fit but they would make it work for tonight. Haruka lied down himself and the twins snuggled into his chest, their pillows abandoned next to Haruka's head.

"I don't want the cancer to win," Ran mumbled, nestling her head against his pectoral.

"Me neither," Haruka said, "but we have to be strong."

"Haru-chan?" Ren questioned as he buried his face in the crook of Haruka's arm and chest.

"What?"

"Can we start being strong tomorrow?"

"Yes."

At that moment, Ran and Ren allowed their tears to spill over. Their usual loud wailing had been traded in for soft sniffles and small hiccups, their voices muffled against Haruka's torso as their tears seeped into his shirt. Haruka didn't offer any words of comfort, since that would be nothing but unfair to them after everything he had said. Instead, he wrapped his arms around them and pressed them closer against his body, letting his actions speak louder than any words of false comfort could.

Starting tomorrow, they would be strong and Haruka could only hope that tomorrow, he could start being strong too.

---

True to their word, the next day the twins were as cheerful as they had always been; like last night had never happened, like their brother wasn't sick. Their demeanour seemed genuine enough and if Haruka hadn't been part of the conversation yesterday, then he would have believed it was all real. But now, he didn't know how much of it was an act and how much of it was actual joy. It surprised Haruka what great thespians they were, though he supposed it wasn't odd since they lived in a house that recently revolved around pretend.

Regret churned around in his stomach as he watched them play like they always had, except this time, they didn't ask for their brother even once. He couldn't help but feel like he had forced them to be like this, like he had brainwashed them. Even if his intentions had been nothing but good, it still wasn't right of him to tell them how to behave. All he had wanted was for them to stop being so sad, to see the big grins return to their faces - and for them to let Makoto sleep without him having to feel too guilty about having to turn down their requests for attention. It was Christmas; a time they looked forward to each and every year and he had wanted them to enjoy it like they always did. Without sorrowful thoughts.

When he walked into the dining room that afternoon, he saw them sitting at the table, coloured pencils and sheets of paper sprawled out between them as they were both engrossed in whatever they were drawing. Just as he was about to be consumed by remorse, Ran looked up and a wide smile lit up her face as she started to wave him over.

"Haru-chan, do you want to draw with us?"

Taken aback by her question and the happy tone of her voice, Haruka nodded before he walked further into the room.

The scent of familiar food invaded his nostrils and he saw Mrs. Tachibana standing in the kitchen, stirring in a pan. She looked over her shoulder and smiled in the way that always seemed to remind him of Makoto, yet somehow less bright.

When he entered the kitchen and came to a halt next to her, he leaned over and peered into the pan. Green curry; Makoto's favourite. It wasn't the most Christmassy of dishes, but Haruka knew that she was making it regardless of that in the hope that her son would have the appetite to enjoy it.

The counter was filled with a whole bunch of pots and plates and ingredients, but nothing in particular caught his eye.

"Do you need any help, Obasan?"

"Thank you, Haru-kun," she said, "but I've got it. I think those two over there need more help than I do." She gestured towards Ren and Ran with her head before looking back at him and winking, indicating that she had heard what her daughter had asked him. Even if she hadn't, Haruka was sure that she would have declined his offer any way like she always did. Still, he knew that he should at least ask her; it would be impolite not to, especially after she allowed him to stay in her home for so long.

In response, Haruka nodded and opened a drawer to grab a place mat - the reason he had walked into the kitchen in the first place. Then, he went back at to the table and sat himself down, putting the place mat down in front of him and grabbing a clear sheet of paper.

Before he even had the chance to pick up a pencil, Ran started to blabber about her drawing like she had on Makoto's birthday: full of enthusiasm. It reminded him of how much fun she'd had making those drawings for her brother. Not that Ren hadn't enjoyed it, but he was a tad more reserved about it in contrast to his twin, who was always ready to shout her glee off of every rooftop. However, when it came to sadness, it was Ren who was more open about his feelings and Ran who would usually prefer to keep everything bottled up in herself. It was weird how they could be complete opposites of each other whilst simultaneously being so alike. But that's how twins are, Haruka supposed.

Ran was still excitedly talking about her drawing, to the point where Haruka didn't know what she liked more: making a drawing or talking about said drawing. It was endearing how proud she always was of the things she made, especially since she had inherited the same artistic skills Makoto had. Ren, on the other hand, was much more artistically inclined than his siblings - though like Haruka, he never bragged about it and shyly accepted compliments. This didn't bother Ran in the slightest though, she was still confident and Haruka was glad about that.

He still remembered how disappointed Makoto always was whenever they drew together and his drawing ended up looking not nearly as good as Haruka's did. Envy would glaze his eyes for a second before quickly being replaced with guilt, guilt for having an ugly feeling about his best friend. As young as they were back then, Haruka already hated to see Makoto like that, especially over something as stupid as a drawing. But for some reason those things always mattered to Makoto, as if he felt like he needed to match up to Haruka's abilities, without seeing that he was excellent in other things, things in which Haruka lacked. As they grew older, Makoto managed to disguise these feelings from the general eye, yet Haruka knew that deep down those feelings remained, that he was still only able to see the bad things in himself rather than the good things.

This was probably the reason why Ran was so self-assured; her family, but especially Makoto always made sure to praise both her and Ren equally, so there was no need to be envious of the other. It was Makoto's way of making sure that his little sister never felt as inferior or insecure as he did. Still, it pained Haruka to know that Makoto did feel these things and he wanted him to realise his self-worth. For him to see himself the way Haruka saw him.

"Haru-chan, are you even listening?" Ran huffed, a little bit annoyed that she had been talking for nothing.

"Yes," Haruka answered, despite it only being half the truth. Somehow, his thoughts always seemed to drift off lately, always ending up in the same place, or same person for that matter. It hadn't been his intention, though, and he didn't want her to feel like she was wasting her effort. "Go on."

"As I was saying," she continued her story, pointing at the lopsided Christmas tree she had drawn in the middle of her paper.

It was a drawing of two days ago, when they had decorated the tree together. On the left side next to the tree was a couch with a person lying on top of it (though in reality the tree didn't stand next to the couch) and Haruka guessed it was Makoto - unlike him, Ran wasn't afraid to draw him without hair. It was difficult to tell, but on the other side of the tree stood a figure who he thought was supposed to be him, with arms outstretched towards the yellow star (which was also pretty asymmetrical, with the bottom two legs being very thin and the other three points being thick.) Next to him were Ren, and Ran herself, who was wearing a pink dress with poofy sleeves and a wide skirt, which she definitely hadn't been wearing that afternoon, but it was probably what she wished she had been wearing.

"...and I wanted to draw Mommy and Daddy too but there wasn't any room left, so I was thinking of making another one, since I don't want them to be left out."

The thing that surprised him the most about Ran's monologue was that all of her enthusiasm seemed genuine, as if she had locked all of her sadness away in a little box and hid it deep inside her heart, not giving it permission to come back out and control her mood. Like her happiness was pretty much effortless. Her counterpart, however, hadn't said a word or even looked up at his sister and Haruka, though it didn't seem to be because of sorrow or misery. Rather, he was so immersed in his drawing that he had completely secluded himself from his environment. That was a good sign, as like Ran, Ren was being strong in his own way; a way that Haruka understood very well. As an artist, he knew it was very easy to lose oneself in drawing when one was concentrated, and it showed that he was coping. Besides, drawing was obviously way more fun than knitting.

"If you want to," Haruka commented absent-mindedly, "this one looks very nice already."

Teal eyes widened to the size of saucers with excitement. "Really?"

"Hmm," he hummed. Honestly, this was the only way in which Haruka would ever tell them anything but the truth.

A huge grin split across her face and she eagerly turned back to her drawing, intent to finish this one first clear in her mannerism.

Mentally shaking his head, Haruka sighed and reached out to grab a grey pencil. Tuning out the world around him, his hand started to move automatically, beginning to sketch an image without him thinking about it too much. It was always easier to let his mind wander and his hand do all the work.

In silence they drew together, one more focussed than the other but drawing all the same.

Haruka didn't know whether hours passed or mere minutes before he put the grey pencil down, his simple sketch having turned into a more refined lineart. It wasn't as if he had tried to make a masterpiece, which was clear as it definitely wasn't the best he had ever made, but that hadn't been his intention either. Just a simple drawing to entertain himself, to pass time with the twins, nothing more, northing less.

"Onii-chan doesn't have any hair," Ran remarked when she saw his drawing. There wasn't any malice or hurt in her voice; she was merely stating a fact, like it was something small that Haruka had failed to notice.

What Haruka had drawn was a simple igloo, an igloo Makoto and he were building. Inside the igloo lay Ran and Ren, side by side with huge grins lighting up their faces. In this drawing, Makoto did have hair as well as his signature smile, beaming down at his siblings as he patted more snow onto the igloo. Haruka himself was crouching next to the igloo's entrance on the other side, a more subdued smile painted on his features.

"It's just a drawing," Haruka defended, brushing off any potential argument. After all the negative thoughts he implemented in their heads, Haruka wasn't about to tell her that this was a drawing of the future, or at least, what he wanted the future to be like. It represented the next winter, or perhaps even the winter after that, not this winter.

With a careless shrug and a muttered 'okay', Ran returned to her attention back to herself, contemplating which colour to use next.

Just as Haruka was pondering about his own drawing's colour palette, Ren put his used pencil back on the table, the tip as blunt as can be, and he let out a big sigh.

"I'm done," he announced, snapping out of his artistic trance and back into reality.

"Let me see!" Ran sang as she snatched her brother's drawing off the table.

"Ran!" Ren yelped as he tried to pry his paper out of his sister's sneaky fingers, but she was too fast.

"Wow... Is that Onii-chan?"

Pouting, Ren averted his eyes for a second before nodding. This sparked Haruka's curiosity.

"May I?" he asked, wanting Ren's consent before taking a look at the drawing. He knew that sometimes, illustrations were private and he wanted to respect Ren's boundaries, knowing how annoying it could be to have someone witness something personal without permission.

Almost shyly, Ren met Haruka's gaze and nodded once more.

With Ren's approval, Haruka accepted the drawing from Ran. Breath was knocked out of him when he made out the image. He didn't know what he had been expecting, if he had been expecting anything at all, but it wasn't this. And yet, at the same time, it couldn't have been anything but this.

A knight with light grey armour was depicted on the right side of the paper, holding a large blade without a hilt in thinly gloved hands. He was standing on a brown, rocky landscape, most likely a mountain. What he was fighting against was a peculiar monster: round and covered in spikes, dark purple for its entirety save for the red eyes and evil smirk. The sword it was holding was much larger and unlike the knight's sword, it was complete. The night sky hung above them, void of any clouds and stars. Only the moon was shining down on them, illuminating the ferocious battle of the courageous knight against the wretched, cancerous monster.

It didn't take a genius to see that the purple monster was the villain of Haruka's story, leukemia's personification; Ren's vision of the cancer flowing through his brother's veins.

"It's... amazing," Haruka muttered. And it was, especially for someone Ren's age. The armour was detailed, the landscape carefully crafted without rush, and the monster was... different, to say the least. It was obvious that Ren put a lot of effort into it and that he had tried his very best to make it as pretty as he could.

At those words a small, satisfied smile stretched Ren's face, his cheeks colouring slightly. Haruka was still looking at the drawing, wanting to pay attention to every nook and line Ren had created. This drawing proved that Haruka's explanation still resonated inside of Ren's head, that he was processing it in his own way: by releasing his imagination onto the paper, the story flowing out of his mind through his fingertips.

Then, the front door opened and closed, and a muffled 'I'm home' rang out. When that happened, the twins forgot all about their drawings and Haruka and ran towards the front door with yells of 'Dad!'. Their unusual enthusiasm baffled Haruka a bit, but the mystery was soon solved.

Without as much as welcoming him back, the children continued. "Dad, Dad, do you have the cake?"

Mr. Tachibana walked into the dining room with two bouncing seven-year-olds on his heels and a plastic bag in his hand. "I'm very happy to see you, too," he laughed, "Yes, I brought the cake."

"Yay!" the twins cheered as Mr. Tachibana put the bag down on the kitchen counter and greeted his wife.

"I'm home," he uttered as he placed a quick peck on his wife's cheek.

"Welcome home, Dear," she returned, taking the cake box out of the plastic bag to put it in the fridge. "And you two are not getting any cake. It's for dessert," she said to the twins, who had followed their father - or more precisely, the cake - to the kitchen.

Disappointed sighs and noises left their mouths at the confirmation that they would have to wait to have a taste of that delicious Christmas cake that was chilling in the fridge until after dinner.

"Speaking of which, can you clear off the table and put away your pencils, then the table can be set soon."

"Okay..." they mumbled downcastedly and they went back to the table, gathering the papers and pencils.

"The sooner the table is cleared and we can eat, the sooner you'll get the cake," Mr. Tachibana offered, effectively motivating them to work quicker and more efficiently.

Chuckling lightly at her children's newfound zealousness, Mrs. Tachibana went back to stirring the food and Mr. Tachibana went upstairs to dress into something more comfortable.

Once the table was cleared Haruka walked into the kitchen, intending to set the table for dinner when Mrs. Tachibana stopped him.

"Actually, Haru-kun, could you go and check up on Makoto, see if he's awake? Dinner will be ready soon."

"Alright," he shrugged, turning on his heel and leaving the room.

Upstairs he opened the door to Makoto's room slowly as to not disturb him if he were asleep nor startle him if he were awake. Makoto was still lying down but looked up at Haruka's presence, shifting slightly so he could look at his friend better.

Haruka sat down on the edge of Makoto's bed. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"No," Makoto shook his head, "I was already awake."

Somewhat glad that he hadn't woken him, Haruka felt his expression soften. "How are you feeling?"

"Good. Better," he corrected. "What about you?"

Haruka sighed at this question that was so typical of Makoto, shaking his head a bit in endearment. "I'm fine. But I'm glad. Your mom says dinner will be ready soon. She's making green curry."

"Great," Makoto said, smiling a little, though he wasn't as excited as he usually would have been. "I'm looking forward to it."

"Not feeling nauseous?" Haruka asked.

"No, I'm feeling better," Makoto repeated, "really."

"Good." A tiny smile appeared on Haruka's face, which Makoto mirrored.

"Thanks, Haru."

A moment of silence passed them, both content to just share the same space, until the clinking of plates could be heard from downstairs.

"I think dinner's ready. Can you get up?" Haruka questioned as he stood up.

"Yeah, I think so," Makoto nodded, placing his bare feet on the floor next to his bed and grabbing the pair of discarded socks and pulling them on.

Makoto's answer didn't stop Haruka from offering his hand to help Makoto up, and it didn't stop Makoto from accepting it either. It wasn't as if Makoto couldn't walk by himself, but after lying in bed for so long and so frequently, the muscles of his legs had gotten weaker and he wobbled a bit sometimes. Better safe than sorry, so to prevent him from actually falling down or tumbling down the stairs, Haruka supported him as they walked out of Makoto's room.

"Is it okay if I use the bathroom first?"

"Of course," Haruka affirmed. Like he needed to ask permission for that.

Haruka guided him to the bathroom and waited outside. It didn't take long until he heard the sounds of the toilet flushing and the faucet being turned on. When he came outside a minute later, he intertwined his damp fingers with Haruka's, making Haruka frown a bit.

"You need to dry your hands properly," he stated.

"Sorry," Makoto chuckled, "I thought you liked water."

"Only if there's enough to sit in."

"I see. I'll remember that for future reference," he joked.

All Haruka could do was sigh and shake his head fondly once more.

When they arrived in the dining room, the rest of Makoto's family was already sitting at the table, except for Makoto's mother who was still getting dishes from the kitchen to serve. They sat down in their usual spots, looking out over the tabletop. Besides green curry, Mrs. Tachibana had made a whole array of side dishes, including mackerel. It seemed like she had made a bit of everyone's favourite and Haruka understood that this was another way for her to process her feelings; getting satisfaction from watching her children and spouse enjoy her cooking and wanting to give them what they wanted to eat because it was Christmas.

They said a brief thanks before digging in, one more eagerly than the other, but relishing all the same.

During dinner Haruka felt an odd sense of belonging wash over him. Everyone was engaging in conversation: the twins were excitedly chattering with mouths stuffed with food (for which their mother scolded them), Makoto laughed lightly at his siblings' antics, Mr. Tachibana cracked the latest edition of dad jokes, Mrs. Tachibana shared a funny little anecdote of what happened at the store that afternoon, and Haruka himself, not being one for banter, commented whenever he wanted to. For a little while, everything felt right.

After everyone was done eating Mrs. Tachibana and Haruka started to clear off the plates so the cake could be served. When Mrs. Tachibana grabbed Makoto's plate and saw that he had eaten almost everything he was served, she turned to him with a disapproving look.

"You shouldn't eat too much all of a sudden! What if you get a stomach ache?" she reprimanded.

"Sorry," Makoto said, averting his eyes and sheepishly scratching at his cheek with his finger, "It was just so delicious, I couldn't help myself."

Shaking her head, she walked towards the kitchen. When her back was to the table, Haruka could see a wide smile stretching her face. He didn't mention it as he simply went back to the table to get more plates. Once the table was mostly empty Mrs. Tachibana got the cake out of the fridge and cut it into six even slices.

Haruka served the first two pieces to the twins who eagerly dug in, clearly unable to wait even a second longer.

"Now, don't eat the whole slice," Mrs. Tachibana said as she put a plate down in front of Makoto, clearly trying to sound strict but unsuccessful in hiding her inner happiness.

"I won't, I won't," Makoto chuckled, putting his hands up in surrender.

When everyone had their piece they began to eat. The cake was a bit too sugary for Haruka's liking, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so much that they had ceased their small talk in favour of eating it, so who was Haruka to complain?

In-between bites a small smile lit up Makoto's face accompanied by a twinkle in his green eyes. It was obvious he found the cake delicious, a child-like joy practically radiating from him. This was exactly what Haruka had hoped for on Makoto's birthday and while that may have been a failure, it was looking like Christmas might be a success after all.

Somehow, the cake tasted a lot better after that.

When the whole cake was gone - with the remains of Makoto's piece having been eaten by Ran and Ren - Makoto spoke up.

"So, who wants to play a game?"

"Are you sure that's okay, Onii-chan?" Ren asked.

"Yeah," Ran added, "Do you feel good enough?"

The questions of his siblings took Makoto aback, as they had never asked anything like this before. He quickly recovered from being bewildered and smiled gently at them. "I do feel good enough, thank you. Now, what game do you want to play?"

Big grins appeared on the children's faces, but they were soon replaced with pouts as they argued about which game they would play. No game could ever be played without a little quarrel, after all. Makoto quickly appeased their argument by promising that they could play both of their picks.

Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana went to the kitchen to do the dishes but before Haruka had the chance to as much as offer to help out, Mrs. Tachibana told him to go and have fun.

Doing as she had instructed, Haruka stayed seated while Ran and Ren ran upstairs to grab their favourite board games. When they returned they had another small argument about which game they would play first, but again it was over before it even really started.

It was no secret that Makoto was good at most games, in fact, it was common knowledge in the Tachibana household, much to the twins' dismay. They were sore losers, they always had been, and would be upset when they lost. Makoto knew this better than anyone else, but whenever he'd go easy on them and let them win for the sake of keeping the peace they would be even more upset, because they just knew that their brother wasn't doing his best. No matter what the outcome of any given game was, no one could ever truly win.

Because of this, playing games with the twins was always incredibly fun. Still, Haruka thought it was kind of amusing, especially since it never stopped them from wanting to play board games, like they had already forgotten how it ended most of the time. It was even more entertaining when one of the children would state that whoever won the next round would be the overall winner, only to be beaten by Makoto once again.

This night was not much different. After multiple rounds of both games, Ran, Ren, and Haruka had been absolutely demolished by Makoto. But, while the twins were obviously not pleased with losing, they weren't throwing a tantrum like they had done before and could even muster up a little smile. It was as if they had learned to appreciate the fact that they were able to play with their brother and it overshadowed their desire to win. It was proof that Haruka's previous thoughts were true.

Or perhaps they had even missed being utterly defeated by their ruthless older brother, and while this seemed unlikely, it was not entirely impossible.

After returning every piece of the game to the box, Makoto and Haruka went to put the twins to bed. It was a little over their bedtime and while that didn't really matter since it was a special day, they shouldn't stay up any longer or they would be grumpy in the morning. But most of all they couldn't risk scaring off Santa-san, of course. That was what they told the children, any way.

They took Ran and Ren upstairs and they all changed into their sleepwear. Despite the fact that Haruka and Makoto weren't going to bed yet, it was better to do it beforehand in case they were too tired to do it later. They were going to stay in Makoto's room for the rest of the night either way, both so that Makoto could lie in his bed and so that Makoto's parents could spend some quality time together.

Because of their son's illness, the relationship of Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana had been put on the back burner for the time being. While it was obvious that they prioritized Makoto in this situation, what they didn't need was to put strain on their relationship as they needed each other's love and support now more than ever. Next to that, possibly ruining his parents' marriage would be another source of guilt for Makoto; it was something he would never forgive himself for if it were to happen. Therefore it would be good for all of them if Makoto's parents would spend the remnants of Christmas Eve together like any couple should.

Once everyone was dressed they went to the bathroom to brush their teeth. Another wave of nostalgia crashed down upon Haruka at this simple, every day type of situation. Recalling the familiar scenarios that had played out hundreds of times in the past: the four of them brushing their teeth together whenever Haruka stayed over, all various states of fatigued. Though they were all growing older, some things just never changed; like how the twins' faces were still full of toothpaste more often than not, how Ran still stood in front of the mirror with the biggest grin on her face as she watched how the toothbrush spread toothpaste over her teeth, how Ren sometimes needed Makoto to brush his teeth for him when he was too tired to keep his eyes open, how Makoto still needed a new toothbrush every single month because he managed to completely destroy it every time - how, Haruka still didn't know, as by the time he needed to replace his own toothbrush, the old one was still completely intact.

When they were all done in the bathroom, Makoto and Haruka took the children to their room to tuck them in. Makoto pressed a kiss to Ren's forehead as Haruka pulled the duvet up to Ran's chin. Between yawns the twins returned the wishes of goodnight that were expressed, drowsily mumbling something about presents and Santa-san. After placing a kiss on his sister's forehead as well, Makoto let out a final 'sleep well' before he left the room, followed by Haruka who - in the meanwhile had grabbed the Christmas presents - closed the door behind them.

In Makoto's room Haruka turned on the lights before sitting down on the bed while Makoto rummaged through his desk. The green curtains were still open, allowing the moon to shine through the windows and Haruka considered getting up to close them but decided against it. It wasn't as if either of them really cared about it any way. He was pulled from his curtain contemplation when Makoto sat down in front of him.

"Shall I start, then?" Makoto said, scratching at his cheek again in the nervous habit he never seemed to be able to shake.

"Go ahead," Haruka replied, a tiny smile playing at his lips.

In return Makoto shot him a gentle smile of his own, the endearing yet shy action bringing some colour to Makoto's cheeks as he handed him his present and murmured, "Merry Christmas, Haru."

"Thank you," Haruka said earnestly, accepting the gift that was handed to him.

The gift was wrapped neatly - so it was more than obvious Makoto hadn't wrapped it himself - and felt soft to touch. It wasn't big but it wasn't particularly small either and the Christmas themed wrapping paper did nothing to betray what type of store it was from, so Haruka had no idea what it could be. Slowly he opened the present, pulling at the tape that kept it all together rather than tearing the paper off.

A pair of thick, black gloves was lying inside of the paper and Haruka ran his fingers over them.

Almost immediately Makoto started to nervously stammer, "Uh, I hope you like them. If you don't then I'm sorry, you can-"

"Makoto," Haruka interrupted him before he could trail off any further. "I love them," Haruka assured, "Thank you."

At those words the smile returned to Makoto's face, even brighter than before and his eyes closed as he tilted his head a little in that adorable way of his. Whenever Makoto gave him a present, be it for his birthday or Christmas or anything else, he would always worry about Haruka's reaction. Even if he knew it was something Haruka was dying to have, the one thing he wanted above anything else, he'd still doubt himself when giving it to him. Although Haruka never disliked anything Makoto gave him, he could understand that Makoto was somewhat unsure about this present. Gloves weren't exactly something that he would say he had wanted, but still, he appreciated the usefulness and thought that Makoto put into it. And honestly, Haruka could never dislike anything Makoto would give to him because Makoto put time and effort into selecting it for him and gave it with such love, devotion and consideration. Besides, there was only one thing he truly desired, one thing he wanted above anything else, but unfortunately Makoto couldn't give it to him that easily.

Haruka grabbed one of the gloves and pulled it on his right hand, flexing his fingers underneath the material. The inside of the glove was soft and it clung to his hand like a second skin, effectively shielding it from any potential coldness.

"Do they fit?" Makoto asked to which Haruka nodded. "I'm glad."

It surprised Haruka that they had chosen the same type of gift, though, and he wondered why exactly Makoto had picked this as his Christmas present.

"I'd be happy if you'd wear them, Haru. It's only getting colder from now on so please don't forget them, because I won't be there to keep your hands warm anymore."

That was right.

The first time it happend, all those years ago, he had honestly forgotten his gloves. It was a chilly morning in the beginning of winter and they had been walking to school together like they always did. The cold wind was sharp, cutting and biting at every piece of exposed skin. Just as Makoto was making a comment on the weather, he saw Haruka breathing on the tips of his red, numb fingers in an attempt to return the feeling to them. Makoto asked him where his gloves were and when Haruka replied that he had forgotten them in his haste, Makoto had shaken his head fondly and took off his left glove to hand it to Haruka. Questioningly he had looked up at Makoto and in response Makoto had offered him a gentle smile as he grabbed Haruka's bare hand in his own, the warmth of Makoto's fingers seeping into his own.

The second time it happened Haruka had been curious. A week or so later he had purposefully forgotten his gloves, wondering what Makoto would do. Upon realising that the fingers of his best friend were practically freezing off, Makoto had let out a little sigh - though without any malice - and gave his left glove to Haruka once more, enveloping his other hand with his bigger one like Haruka had been hoping he would.

After that Haruka started to deliberately leave his gloves at home. Not every day, Haruka liked to think he was a little more subtle than that, but it still happened often enough that Makoto probably knew what was going on. But without fail Makoto would give Haruka one of his gloves, sometimes accompanied by a teasing remark of his forgetfulness or a fond shake of his head. Other than that, Makoto would never say anything about it. Why he just accepted his fate every single time without a word, Haruka didn't know, but he liked to think it was because Makoto wanted it too. Holding hands was something they used to do often as children, but as they grew older and more aware of society and its views, they gradually stopped doing it all together. This was the perfect excuse.

All of a sudden, the gloves were so much more meaningful.

"Well, at least not this winter," Makoto added as an afterthought to what he had previously said.

At that, Haruka nodded. The gift was truly bittersweet: it was given to him because Makoto worried about him, because he cared and that made Haruka indescribably happy, but these gloves were also given to him as a replacement of what used to be Makoto's duty, because Makoto was unable to fulfill it himself any longer. But luckily, it was more of the former than the latter, in Haruka's opinion.

"Promise me you'll wear them?" Makoto requested and Haruka could tell that he asked this more so that he knew Haruka wouldn't get cold when he was outside rather than that he wanted his present to be treasured by Haruka. Needless to say, Haruka would treasure it any way. Perhaps, when he would wear them, it would be like carrying a little piece of Makoto's soul with him, the thought of him keeping his fingers even warmer than any pair of gloves could.

Mentally shaking his head at the sappy thought, Haruka said, "Of course." Even without Makoto asking him to, his mind had already been made up.

Another blinding smile was cast at him and he had to look away, taking the glove off and putting them down beside to grab Makoto's present from behind him, fumbling with it in order to distract himself from his best friend's adorable expression.

"Here," he said as he thrust the package forward, still avoiding Makoto's gaze.

"Thank you, Haru," Makoto muttered as he accepted the gift, his fingers brushing against Haruka's.

At Makoto's response Haruka peered at him from the corner of his eyes, not wanting to miss any reaction he gave.

Like he had, Makoto carefully undid each piece of tape rather than ripping the wrapping off. When Haruka saw this, he turned back towards his friend.

"You can just rip it off, you know," he remarked.

Makoto looked up from the gift in his lap and met Haruka's blue eyes, his own green ones full of sincerity. "That would be a waste, especially after you took the time to wrap it so nicely."

"Idiot," Haruka mumbled, at which Makoto let out that cute laugh of his, "that's what the wrapping is for."

Makoto only giggled again and resumed to attentively undo the paper.

Unconsciously Haruka held his breath as he waited for Makoto to open his present entirely, waited for Makoto to see what he had made for him.

An almost inaudible gasp slipped between Makoto's lips when the hats and scarfs were visible, lying in the middle of the heap of paper and tape. "Haru," he sighed, sounding like he didn't trust his own eyes, like the things he was seeing couldn't be true.

"Merry Christmas, Makoto."

"You... You made this?"

"Hmm," Haruka hummed, a shower of relief and a bit of pride raining down on him, but he didn't want Makoto to notice so he tried his best to keep his stoic expression intact.

"You made this... all of this?" Makoto asked as if he just couldn't believe it.

"Well, Santa-san had some little helpers," Haruka admitted, pleased by Makoto's reaction.

"Ren and Ran...? They can knit?" Makoto questioned. It was obvious he was confused by the news of his siblings' newly acquired skill.

"I taught them to. Hats were too difficult for them, though, so they made scarfs: Ran the orange one and Ren the blue one. Most of them, anyway," Haruka explained "They still owed me from your birthday," he jokingly added.

Makoto chuckled at that, gently picking up one of the hats and the green striped scarf to study them closer. "Still, that means that you made all of these hats and this scarf yourself," Makoto said, completely astonished. "That's too much, Haru! And I only gave you one thing, too..."

"It's fine," Haruka brushed off, knowing that Makoto was starting to feel bad and inadequate.

"But Haru, you're giving me so much and it must have taken you so long to make and-"

"Makoto," he cut in, "It's fine. I had a lot of time on my hands. Besides, I wanted to make you this." He had to turn away his head, his impassive mask crumbling into tiny pieces as blood rushed towards his cheeks at this confession.

"Haru," Makoto gently tried after a moment of silence. When Haruka looked back at his friend, he saw the brilliant smile lighting up his features, making the pink flush on Makoto's face stand out even more, the vibrant green of his eyes even more prominent. "Thank you."

There it was again: that spark in Makoto's eyes, the flame of his spirit awakening and drowning out the smoldering embers that resided in his gaze nowadays. The expression of gratitude he showed so profound Haruka could feel it deep within his soul. The love those mere words threw upon him warming him like a fire in a blizzard, scorching the chambers of his heart and burning his skin in the best way possible.

"You don't have to thank me..." Haruka uttered awkwardly, not knowing how to handle this sudden rush of emotion.

"I really love them, Haru! Thank you," Makoto's eyes closed in his signature head-tilt. When he opened them again, he lifted the hat he was holding and put it on. The dark brown and green colours of the hat complimented Makoto's soft features and made his eyes stand out even more. It looked perfect on him. 'Like it was made for him' was what one would usually say, but in this case it was actually made for him, Haruka thought.

A yawn escaping from Makoto's mouth interrupted Haruka's thoughts.

"Are you tired?" Haruka asked, concerned that Makoto wore himself out.

"A bit. It's fine, though," Makoto said as he put his received present down behind Haruka and lied down on his side. "Haru?"

The invitation was clear in Makoto's voice and Haruka accepted it wordlessly. He lied down beside his friend, his back turned to the wall and his front to Makoto.

The hundredth smile stretched across Makoto's lips. "Hey, Haru?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you remember that time we built that igloo?"

The rest of the night was spent lying side by side, talking about the past and revisiting memories of times when everything was still alright. The hurt that accompanied remembering such happy occasions was pushed to the back of Haruka's mind as he listened to Makoto's soothing voice that spoke fondly in reminiscence. Despite never knowing he would ever feel like this, he knew Makoto's calm presence comforted him more than the ocean on a hot day ever could; more than water in general could. This situation made him re-evaluate his stance on life and his surroundings, made him value Makoto more than he did before. The water would always be there without a doubt, but he could wake up one day and Makoto could be gone. He'd always considered Makoto to be a constant in his life because like water, he thought Makoto would be there without a doubt. It was at moments like these that he really realised what it was that he was possibly losing right at his very minute. That thought hurt so much that he wanted to save these moments, to capture them in his grasp and to never let go, to treasure them forever. Even if that was physically impossible, these moments were permanently etched into his mind, memories he couldn't forget even if he tried.

The gentle tone of Makoto's voice eventually lulled him to sleep, the most peaceful sleep he'd had in months.

When he woke up a little while later the room was darker, only illuminated by the moon. His eyelids were heavy with sleep and he couldn't open them entirely. Haruka lifted his head a bit from where it had been buried in the sheet so his field of vision expanded and he noticed that Makoto was still lying in front of him, his eyes now too closed in a calm sleep. Before he had snoozed off, Makoto had apparently switched off the light and taken off the hat so it was clear Haruka had given into tiredness first.

Logically speaking, Haruka knew it would be for the best if he'd returned to his futon in the twins' room and give Makoto the space he was occupying so he could lie more comfortably. But even if he hadn't been as tired as he was, at that moment the thought of getting up and leaving Makoto's side had no positive aspects at all. The only thing that sounded appealing was the idea of moving closer to Makoto and his warmth - they had fallen asleep on top of the duvet and while he wasn't cold per se, to his half-asleep brain it seemed like a great excuse to snuggle closer, which was pretty much what he had wanted all along.

In his drowsy state he gave himself permission and cuddled closer to Makoto, pressing his face into Makoto's chest and breathing in his comforting scent; the scent of home. Almost immediately he started to doze off but before he lost consciousness entirely, he felt an arm wrap around his back.

---

A/N: Thank you for reading!

Thank you to everyone who still supports this fic after a year. All of your comments, kudos, bookmarks and subscriptions mean the world to me. Thank you so much.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and I hope to see you soon!