"How do you keep it together so well?" She sat on the edge of the bed with feet planted and shoulders rounded in defense. These rare moments of vulnerability always made her feel strange. They were wrong and she wanted to step beneath the hot spray of the shower head to wash the unwelcome sensation down the drain. But doing that would also mean rinsing herself clean of him and she wanted to savor it for just a while longer.
His question hung in the air like a ominous cloud and she wanted to reach up to swat at it until it dispersed, but her hands remained dangling between her bare thighs. She hadn't even the strength to put on her clothes and the cool air of the room chilled the drying sweat on her skin, making goosebumps form along her arms and across the back of her neck. It was a pleasant reminder of the passionate exchange between his body and hers, and she finally reached up to smooth loose strands of dark hair back into place.
He was waiting for her to speak but the words weren't coming out and she rolled her jaw in irritation. He wanted the truth ― he expected the truth ― but she feared that she'd be unable to give it to him. For as much as she cared for him, she still couldn't trust him with the weight of that. He had his own burdens to bear and he didn't need hers.
"Shepard," the sheets rustled as he sat up and leaned towards her. The throaty hum of his voice sent a pleasant shiver down her spine but she refused to turn to look at him. "You can talk to me," he reminded her. "If I didn't want to know what you were feeling, I wouldn't have asked you. This fight is as much mine as it is yours." His hand swept along the back of her neck before trailing down her spine to finally press against the firm mattress of the bed. He was even closer now and the warm breath on her shoulder was enough to convince her to close her eyes and relish in his proximity.
In a different life, these moments of deep intimacy would not have been so few and far between. The decision to love a dying man had not been an easy one, but the age old saying that it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all was one that she repeated frequently. It had become her mantra and while her memory would never be as reliable as his, she knew that she would never forget the moments that they shared. How could she, when he touched her like that?
"What makes you think that I keep it together?" She finally asked, breaking the silence and leaning away from him so that she could turn to meet his dark gaze. He searched her face as he considered his words carefully, canting his head to the side before straightening up.
"You are a strong woman, siha," he began. "The people that look up to you think you are invincible and they expect you to lead them to victory. Not even death can hold you," he reminded her. "That is a big burden to carry and yet you never waver ― you never falter or hesitate. You rise to each challenge with more ferocity than the last. I admire your tenacity and your courage. When they look at you, they see a savior."
"And when you look at me?" She asked, unsure of whether or not she wanted to know his response.
"I see a woman barely holding her head above water, too proud to ask for help," he answered honestly. Even if it was the truth, it still made her erect her walls and she looked away from him, setting her jaw and narrowing her eyes. It was her job to make the hard calls. It was her job to make whatever sacrifices were necessary to see this through to the end. Until the Collectors were stopped and the Reapers were destroyed, she would not rest. But to say that she didn't feel like she was drowning would have been a lie.
Every day there was a new threat to eliminate or someone else to save. It was exhausting and beneath her hardened surface, she was starting to crack. Cerberus should have built a robot instead of a woman and she shook her head. Her pride had earned her the respect of her crew and the attention of those in charge. Her pride was the only thing keeping her afloat and she let him settle a hand on her cheek to guide her back to face him despite her reluctance.
"No one took me seriously," she told him. "The Council dismissed my warnings and now people are dying ― people that I don't even know — all across the galaxy. I tell myself that I shouldn't care and that it isn't my problem but I know that's not true. I'm going on a wild goose chase across the galaxy and for what? If we stop the Collectors, then the Reapers will just throw something else at us. Someone has to stop them and everyone else is too damn scared to do anything. This will never end unless someone does something and that someone has to be me. The truth, Thane? I'm tired of all the fighting. I'm tired of all the death." She blinked away the moisture from her eyes and sighed in defeat as her body sagged.
"I'm keeping it together, sure. But just barely. I don't know if I can do this. If I fail..." She trailed off and he silenced her worries with a single kiss. It was easy to forget her woes when she was with him and in that moment, she wanted to forget all of it and melt into his embrace.
"You won't fail," he told her as he pulled away. "Even if the worst comes to pass, I would not call that failure. You have done all that you can do and more. You've given people hope and that is more than anyone could have ever asked for. Just remember that you're not alone, siha. You will never be alone."
His words stirred something in her and she leaned in to capture his lips in another kiss, this one more fervent and desperate than the last. "When this is over..." She murmured against his lips as her thumb stroked along his cheek. "I think I might retire."
"And where would you like to go?" She could feel the reverberation of his words in his chest as he pulled her body against him.
"To the desert." Her head rested against the pillow and she could feel him smiling, though she could no longer see his face as he tucked her head beneath his chin.
"The desert sounds nice," he agreed. "Perhaps I might join you, if you'll have me."
It was a nice fantasy to indulge in if nothing else, and she nodded and hummed out her response, "Of course, Thane." There was a brief pause as she swallowed through the lump of emotion in her throat and wound her arms around him a little tighter. "We're in this together, right? Until the end?"
"Until the end and beyond, siha."