So it's been quite a while, my exams are finally done so I've started writing again, although I'm still on placement for a few weeks so I'm still way too busy lol. A bit of a trigger warning, there's a dissociative episode near the end of the chapter based on my personal experience. It's not essential to the plot I just found it therapeutic to write.
Merlin ran into the room, rushing to his mother's side and hugging her tightly. Thankfully, Hunith had completely recovered. I had stayed with her until Gaius and Merlin had returned, she was excellent company and entertained me endlessly with embarrassing stories of Merlin. Seeing the two of them hugging should have caused my heart to swell with joy, instead I felt a pang of despair. I missed my friends and family so much, I would never get to hug them like this again. If they were to be on their deathbed I would not be there to support them. Tears threatened to fall from my eyes so I snuck out of the room determined not to ruin their heartfelt moment. I tried to take deep breaths as I hurried to my room, but nothing could stop the tears streaming down my cheeks. As I reached my room I felt a hand on my arm, my eyes met Gwen's and the concern I saw only made me sob harder. I felt so incredibly vulnerable; the last thing I wanted was someone to see me like this. I rushed into my room but she followed me, closing the door gently behind her. I forced myself to not look at her as I crawled under the covers of my bed and buried my face in a pillow. I hoped that by ignoring her she would get the message and leave, unfortunately that was not the case. I felt a shift in the bed beside me, soon after her hand was rubbing circles on my back. I appreciated her silence; it made me feel safe to know that she was here and did not expect anything from me. After a few moments I had calmed down enough that I felt comfortable sitting up, the occasional sob still escaped but I felt a lot more in control.
"Thank you, I'm sorry you had to see that." My voice was hoarse from my sobs and my eyes were starting to burn from the tears, but I desperately wanted Gwen to know my appreciation.
"You don't need to apologise, I didn't want you to be alone," hearing her kind words caused hot tears to run down my cheeks again. I wished I had spent more time getting to know Gwen, she was so incredibly sincere. In a moment that I had felt impossibly isolated she had chosen to stay with me, I would forever appreciate her compassion. "Would you like to talk about what's happened?"
I knew I could not tell Gwen what was truly on my mind, but I felt like I was going to burst from the pressure of everything that was weighing on me. "Merlin's mother has got better and… It's so awful of me to say this but seeing them together just broke my heart. All the people I loved before Camelot are gone; I can't ever reunite with them. And I know this is meant to be my new home but it just feels like I don't really belong. And I… It's all so much. There was an outbreak in the lower town; so many children died Gwen…So many. And I couldn't save them. It just feels like I'm not good enough. And there's no one I can talk to, no one understands. I was really struggling and no one was here, Merlin had disappeared, Gaius was impossibly busy, Morgana was suffering... and I was all alone. It feels like it's going to be like that forever. It just hurts so much. I want to go back to how everything was before Camelot."
"I can understand how you're feeling. Ever since Uther executed my father…Well I've felt much the same. It's painful to see people happy with their loved ones; I can't help but feel angry at them. I know they cannot help that they are loved, that doesn't stop the pain. I know loneliness well too. I cannot stay home for long without feeling like I may just crumble. I keep expecting him to walk through the door, it breaks my heart to know he never will again. You are not alone in this Tasneem, you can talk to me anytime. I know we are not the closest of friends, but if you ever need someone to talk to, or someone who understands loss, please come to me." I grasped her hand tightly, it shook slightly from the pain of her words.
"Thank you so much Gwen, if you ever feel like you need to talk as well, I'm here. Now how about we go to the kitchen and steal some cake? I think we both need something sweet." I wiped the tears from my eyes as we shared a small smile and I vowed to get to know her better, I hoped we would become close friends.
Late that night, after Gwen and I had gotten in some trouble for nabbing some snacks, I went to see Morgana. Gwen had said that she had been improving which I found reassuring. We sat opposite each other in silence, Morgana tapped her fingers meaninglessly on the table as she stared into space.
"Please talk to me, you're clearly not ok," her disinterested expression pained me, "I apologise for not coming to see you sooner." Her eyes became hard at that. "It was wrong of me; I should have made time for you. You mean so much to me. I would not intentionally hurt you" I longed for her to see my sincerity.
"You did hurt me though. You weren't here." I reached to take her hand but she pulled it away from me. "Leave now." Her tone shocked me. I was unused to this side of her.
"Morgana please, let me make it up to you." She turned and walked to the door, holding it open and signalling for me to leave. I sighed in resignation and did as she asked. "I will make things better between us Morgana, I swear it." I took the door closing swiftly behind me as her response.
I decided to have a lie in; although I probably did not deserve it I felt it was necessary. The weight of the past few weeks seemed somewhat lifted, although my damaged relationship with Morgana still troubled me greatly. It was late afternoon by the time I saw Gaius. We had not properly seen each other since Arthur had fallen ill and thus I felt myself grow awkward being around him. I was aware my current emotional exhaustion was causing my growing social anxiety but I had no idea how to rectify it. I had been on antidepressants back home but without them I was really beginning to struggle to be functional. I stood in the doorway for a moment, unsure how to proceed. Unfortunately I stood for a moment too long, a strong force shoved me forwards causing me stumble into the closest bench. I twisted around to snap at the person who had barrelled into me but my words got stuck in my throat as my eyes met Merlin's. I definitely was not emotionally prepared to see him right now. He froze for a moment before quickly walking over to Gaius and asking for some pain medication (presumably for Arthur) then swiftly leaving; he did not look at me once. I tried not to be hurt at his actions, perhaps he was just in a rush, but it still felt like our relationship had been impossibly damaged.
"Is everything alright between you and Merlin?" I jumped at Gaius's question, unsure how to answer. I busied myself with cleaning some of the storage jars as I attempted to think of an answer.
"I truly don't know. I have not seen him since before he left to find the Questing Beast with Arthur." Gaius' frown concerned me.
"Not even when Hunith was ill?" I bristled at that.
"You seem to forget I was incredibly busy when that was happening." Honestly, it was becoming painful to hear from both Morgana and Gaius that I had failed in my duties as a friend by not being there. I was extremely aware that Merlin and Morgana went through something traumatic, but I was not an endlessly flowing fountain of compassion, I was barely holding myself together at the time, how was I also meant to emotionally support them as well?
"Still, you could have made some time-"
"Gaius, stop. I am aware you think I could have seen Merlin. I am telling you I couldn't. Let's leave it at that." Gaius appeared uneasy by what I had said but I had no desire to continue the conversation. We continued the rest of the day's work in silence. Every time I looked over at Gaius a wave of despair washed over me, we were once so close and now I struggled to say even a few words to him. I did not want to push him away, he was my mentor and he meant a lot to me. But I felt I could not open up to him, I still wasn't sure how to verbalise my depression. Of course he was a medical professional and I knew he would not judge me, but an irrational part of my brain felt he would think I was weak for feeling the way I did.
Gaius began to light the candles in the workroom as night descended, I sensed he might ask me to stay for dinner but I couldn't fathom being in a room with him and Merlin so I left before he had the chance, I longed for the stillness of my room. And that's where I stayed. My mind refused to be still for even a moment so I didn't even try to sleep. I thought the peace of my room would calm me but I was so wrong. The silence was suffocating, I felt as lonely as I had the first night I arrived in Camelot. The misery swallowed me up and I could do nothing to stop it.
start of dissociation
I screamed. And I kept screaming. And I sobbed. I choked on the tears. I punched the walls. I threw my clothes out of the wardrobe. I tore at my them, keeping only my stupid neon pyjamas safe. I wanted this life gone. I needed to go back home. Nothing felt real. I grew quiet for a moment as I stared at the hands that were attempting to rip my dresses to shreds. They didn't seem real. They weren't mine. The world seemed blurry; I couldn't make sense of it. I heard a sound, it sounded like a sob. It must have been mine, there was no one else in here, but I couldn't connect to it.
A strong pounding on the door. Someone calling out. Was that my name? I retreated to my bed, pulling my knees to me chest and screwing my eyes shut. It felt like a nightmare. I couldn't connect to the world around me. The sound grew closer but I couldn't figure out what it was. I hugged my knees tighter, I focused on the feeling of my nails digging into my calves and it grounded me slightly. I was shaking from the fear of the unfamiliar situation; I tried to become aware of how my body was moving. I could feel reality slowly seep into my mind again.
I allowed my eyes to open slightly. There was a man in front of me, he looked vaguely familiar. He was walking slowly towards me.
"Stay away." I felt a sound come from me, but the voice sounded unfamiliar. The man stopped walking. I allowed myself to look around the room to orient myself. The door had been knocked down; the floor was covered in torn dresses and fragments of wood. It was my room… I think. The world was starting to become real but everything still felt foggy. "What happened?"
There was concern in the man's eyes. My body tensed as he tried to step closer. "I thought you were being attacked. The guards heard screaming in your room. Are you ok?" The events of the day started to come back to me. I had been screaming. I had wrecked my room.
end of dissociation
"I think I'm crazy." I closed my eyes again, praying I would wake up back home. Surely then I would feel normal again. I heard the man rush to my side and felt his hands rest on my arms. I thought he might hug me, but he remained distant. Instead I wrapped my arms around him, I longed for some connection to reality and I hoped the closeness would pull me back. It did a little, his warmth was comforting. I don't know how long we stayed like that for; he stroked my hair as I sobbed into his chest. Eventually I had calmed and I felt somewhat real again. I pulled away from the man in the hopes I would finally recognise him.
"Arthur?" His face seemed less of a blur now. He seemed perplexed, and very alarmed by my behaviour. His arms were still around me and I was hesitant to pull away completely. My mind raced and I could feel the panic start to bubble inside of me, I took a deep breath and my grip on him tightened.
"What happened?" My eyes were fixed to his, entranced by the flecks of gold I had never noticed before.
"You're meant to be in bed recovering." I dismissed his question, still somewhat in a daze.
"I had to check on you. Did someone hurt you? What happened here?" I shifted so I could look out of the window. Arthur and I had never been this close before, physically or emotionally. But he cared, that was blatantly clear.
"I don't know. It's like I blacked out. You know I told you about the fact I've not been doing so well… I've been missing home a lot. And I feel so alone here. Things are weird… I can't talk to anyone. I think I just wanted to destroy everything, I thought that might somehow take me back. But I can't go back. I can't ever go back…" I watched him furrow his brow, I suddenly felt very self-conscious. I could feel his judgement. I should never have opened up to him. I was such an idiot. I hurriedly pulled my arms away from him, struggling to hide my grimaces as I did so. I had forgotten I had punched the walls, my hands were bloody and I was sure I had fractured some of my bones. Arthur grabbed my hands as I tried to hide them from him. He seemed horrified but what he saw.
"We have to get you to Gaius." I struggled to pull my hands from him, the exhaustion from my outburst finally catching up with me as the adrenaline left my system.
"I can't. They can't see me like this." I couldn't ignore Arthur's confused expression. "They don't know that I've been like this. They wouldn't understand… I don't want them to hate me." I locked my eyes to the ground but I could still see his frown in my peripheral vision.
"Gaius and Merlin… They love you. It is going to be alright." I gave him a small nod, still not really believing what he told me. But in that moment he was all I had, so I trusted him. He pulled me to my feet and wrapped an arm around me. We walked slowly to Gaius' workroom. When he heard my breathing quicken or saw tears start to run down my cheeks he would pause and pull me into a tight hug until I calmed down. Eventually we reached the workroom. Arthur knocked on the door softly, conscious not to startle me in my sensitive state. Gaius groggily opened the door, although upon seeing Arthur's concern and my shabby appearance he promptly woke up. He ushered us into the room and got to work finding bandages. He was asking Arthur some questions but I struggled to pay attention to what was being said. Gaius patching me up like this was reminiscent of my first day in Camelot, oddly he felt as much a stranger to me in that moment as he had when I had first met him. Arthur squeezed my hand, aware that my mind had drifted. The small smile I gave him felt incredibly false but I hoped it would ease his worries somewhat.
"Tasneem," I looked up at Gaius as he addressed me, "I'm going to bandaging your hand now, and then give you some medicine for the pain. Would that be alright?" I appreciated the softness in his voice. My small nod was indication enough and he gently began treating me. Arthur stayed close to me, putting his arms around me as I whimpered softly from the pain. At some point Merlin came in, but I never saw him. I heard his voice, and I heard Gaius urge him to go back to his room. I was grateful Gaius had done that for me, I was in no place to be talking to Merlin, not with how weird things were between us. Gaius finished quickly, telling me to keep the bandages on and keep them clean, things I already knew.
Arthur walked me back, which I appreciated. It was the middle of the night by this point, he must have been exhausted. He should have been in bed recovering from his injuries, I was genuinely surprised that he had taken this much time out of his day to help me. He helped me into bed, tucking me in tightly like my parents used to when I was child.
"Thank you Arthur, I'm so sorry-"
"Don't apologise. You helped me yesterday, consider this repayment." I scoffed at the cheeky smile on his face, I was quickly discovering there was something inexplicably wonderful about him at times.
"I hardly find the two comparable, I just watched you sleep."
"You made sure I didn't die, I did the same for you. We're even." I couldn't hide my grin. He truly would make a brilliant king. "Now get some rest, you've been through a lot." He picked up a chair I had thrown earlier and placed it near the window, he chuckled at my quizzical expression as he sat in the chair. "You watched me sleep, it is only fair."
"Arthur you can't stay there, you'll be uncomfortable, go to bed."
"I need to make sure you're alright." My breath caught, stunned by the serious tone in his voice. I contemplated ways to make him leave, but Arthur was stubborn and I doubted anything I could say would change his mind.
"Ok, get in the bed then." This time it was my turn to chuckle at his flabbergasted expression.
"That's hardly appropriate." He had turned bright red and it was amusing to say the least.
"We're not going to do anything. But you need to rest, you're still recovering. And if you insist on staying you might as well be comfortable." He still seemed unconvinced. "You can stay on top of the covers, nothing is going to happen." He considered it for a moment before taking off his shoes and lying on the bed beside me. The awkwardness he felt radiated off of him, but I paid little attention to it. My brain was too exhausted and I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.