spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 2 "my crotch itches"
(patrick laying in the dumpster)
patrick: (wakes up) what the fuck?
(he walks to blockbuster. he goes to the back)
(in the store)
chris: yeah. david's funeral is today but i'm not going
benjamin: that's it. that's how it should be
chris: what?
benjamin: you need to go. you need closure
chris: i barley knew david. hell, im closer to one of the lead actors in one of david's favorite movies, the breakfast club
(judd nelson enters)
judd nelson: hey 2nd family. damn shadows still not here
spongebob: yea, maybe we should check on him
(they hear gun fire out back)
judd nelson: what the fuck?
(patrick is shooting at beer cans)
(the crew goes outside)
amanda: holy shit is that a fucking gun?
patrick: (itches his crotch) my crotch itches (tries to shoot but it out of bullets run out) fuck ! (throws the gun on the ground. a bullet comes out and shoots patrick in the foot) FffFFFUUCKKKKK!
benjamin: uhhh. (runs away)
patrick: someone take me to the fucking hospital!
(spongebob driving patrick to the ER)
patrick: fuck this literally sucks. my life is actually terrible. i have no fucking insurance and i can't afford shit. im on probation and i killed 3 people yesterday
spongebob: what?
patrick: yep. on a job with georgie. before you judge, i was in danger so i had to murder 3 people
spongebob: wow that's just...
patrick: fuck i guess this means i can't attend our sunday-ly futurama, the simpsons and king of the hill viewing party...i can care less about the simpsons cuz season 10 has been so lame, but please tape futurama and king of the hill. if you can tape the steelers game too that'd be nice
spongebob: did you actually kill 2 people ?
patrick: 3 actually but yes. yo, snag some blank tapes from blockbuster. one for king of the hill/futurama and the other for the steelers game
spongebob: what the fuck is going on with you?
patrick: what?
spongebob: you're literally the biggest asshole all the time, you're drunk all the time, you're fucking rude, unpleasant and we were gonna all make excuses and watch the simpsons, futurama and king of the hill without you.
patrick: pshh that's total crap
spongebob: that's the problem! i can't even tell if you've always been an asshole and i'm just noticing or you actually transitioned into this...this ugly, pricky, piece of seahorse shit who kills plants as he walks pass them.
patrick: may your sophomoric efforts to hurt me be viewed by your peers as pathetic, ultimately destroying you while i stay as cool as i've ever been
spongebob: patrick, it's not just me...we all fucking hate you and consider you an inconvenience on all of our lives
patrick: wow. after all of the shit we've been through you just hate me? you piece of shit
spongebob: woah...you're calling me a piece of shit? look at yourself, you're so pathetic.
patrick: oh and you're not?
spongebob: dude i know it sucks being poor. we have the same job
patrick: yeah ok john milton
spongebob: just cuz i'm a writer on the side doesn't mean i'm not poor like you
patrick: pshh. you don't know what poor is. you grew up in rich white suburban east bikini bottom while i grew up in the trailer parks with a drunken dad and a heroined out mom and a brother who physically abused me. not to mention an uncle that...uhhhh...nvm. but you don't know the pain i grew up with , you may have seen it but you don't know it. hell, i did fuck a a shit ton of trailer trash growing up too but still, it sucked.
spongebob: you're right pat. but i am a 21 year old who had to drop out of college on account of my fentanyl/xanax addiction. hell, i still struggle with substance abuse. we all do. every single one of us lives to get fucked up. we all know it but we all know none of us would ever say it.
patrick: yeah dude. all the time i'm drinking beers
spongebob: i drink 2-3 beers at night. it's all of us, pat.
patrick: fucking wild bro.
spongebob: you're not the only one struggling. hell, i printed out adds at the office depot for roommates
patrick: yo, you can't ask your best friend?
spongebob:...best friend? patrick, you are impossible to be around, i truly don't believe i can live with you.
patrick: wow, after everything. bro, you wouldn't even live in that pineapple if it weren't for me
(1996. patrick, spongebob, larry and chris walking in the bathroom at bikini valley high school. some girls are bigger than others quietly plays in the bg )
patrick: holy shit, this shit i took is literally monstrous
(they walk in the stall)
chris: fuck!
larry: dude, that things a tank
(they all admire if)
spongebob: so...it's not like we're going back to class
patrick: word, lets smoke. my weed is back at the park
(they walk to the trailer park)
larry: thanks for all smoking us up all the time
patrick: np,my dude
(they walk in patrick's trailer)
don: (passed out drunk) (wakes up)...ah...aaauwhhhhh, what are you assholes doing here
patrick: hey dad, we're just gonna smoke
don: you privileged fucks! not in my trailer, go out in the woods like i did at your age
patrick: asshole, you smoke in here
don: who pays for this place?
patrick: mom who works overtime at the car wash every night?
don: (stands up over pat) patrick... who gets the disability checks? who buys that weed you love smoking? i do. if you ever wanna talk down to me again, think about the drugs i buy with my disability checks.
patrick: ok, alcoholic
don:(hits him)
(patrick punches him and knocks him out)
chris:...well, i guess we can smoke in here
patrick: no i need to get the fuck out of here. i know a place to go not far from here
(they're walking down the road)
spongebob: squidwards house?
patrick: no. an abandoned pineapple
(they enter)
spongebob: wow...im really feeling this place. nice find, pat
chris: yeah, very cozy
larry: ok, where's the blunt?
patrick: fuck i forgot the weed
spongebob: we can try to cop off of squid
(they knock on squidwards door)
squidward: oh no, what are you doing here?
patrick: squidward, we just need to cop
squidward: i haven't sold since high school
spongebobs; come on man, i know you have weed
squidward: yeah, my weed
spongebob: larry
larry: (holds squidward while the rest steal squidwards weed)
chris: thanks, bye!
(patrick in 1999 in the hospital)
doctor: well, we healed your foot but we have bad news
patrick: yeah?
doctor: your complaints about your crotch itching...you have gonorrhea
patrick: oh, ok. yeah, i'll get through this. just make my dick look normal so i can still fuck, i don't care if i have the disease
doctor:...wow