spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 8 "spongebob patrick do heroin"
(patrick driving in his car on the phone)
patrick: so there's a baby inside of you?
miles: yes
patrick: how the fuck is that possible?
miles: your refusal to wear a condom
patrick: well im sorry. i dont consider it sex if there's a rubber thing on my dick that fits annoyingly tight. plus you get cum all over your tip when you take it off. they're fucking annoying
miles: patrick, im gonna hang up
patrick: wait...so you're getting an abortion right?
miles: patrick, i just found out. just let me think (hangs up)
(the crew at blockbuster)
chris: what are these energy drinks?
benjamin: well, we need business somehow. for some reason people like these
amanda: yeah. those hipster assholes just love paying almost 3 dollars for it. im fine with my good old school red bull
(patrick walks in)
patrick: im so fuckin pissed! (kicks benjamin in the nuts. he proceeds to take a keystone light out of his backpack)
spongebob: fuck should we talk to him
shadow: fuck that prick. he literally almost killed me
spongebob: well, i guess it'll be me
(he goes. patrick is out back shooting the dumpster with his gun)
spongebob: patrick, why the fuck did you come in here screaming
patrick: becuz i got miles pregnant. she literally has a baby in her uterus. im so pissed. me cum should only go in tissues, rags, a girls face or when i donate old sperm to make a quick buck. this is actually bull shit
spongebob: woah you knocked someone up?
patrick: yes. it blows bro. im just trying to think what would captain picard do
spongebob: is she gonna keep it
patrick: fuck she better not. hopefully she'll smoke, drink and snort a lot of coke all 9 months of pregnancy in the event of her making the vacuous decision to keep a child that should've been a cum stain on your couch...the place where i fucked her raw the most when you were in the hospital with shadow
spongebob: ok you just said a lot of fucked up things so i need a second to ignore that for now to advance this conversation. patrick...i don't even know what the fuck to say. you fucked up your life in one year. dude, last year we were chilling hard...we were the closest we've been ever...you changed so fucking fast...i specifically remember a time period not too long ago when you weren't completely fucked up on a moral level...i don't even know what the fuck you do, how you spend your days, or why you even come to work
patrick: i still get paid
spongebob: really?
patrick: yeah. benjamin still pays me despite the fact i come in like twice a week, get beer drunk, shoot my gun and pass out he still shows respect. i like the guy, even though i am abusive towards him
spongebob: neptune, you're really fuckin me with these fucked up things you're saying
patrick: alright. im splitting. time to sell h
(chugs the 2 tall boys he's double fishing and throws them on the ground) ha, take that, al gore. bush 2000! (reaches for his keys in his backpack)
spongebob: patrick, can you drive ?
patrick: psh i can drive. bro i can drive to newark and back going 90 and cutting everyone off. hell, i can go to pennsylvania , buy some fire crackers and light them on my nuts cuz im fucking crazy! (shoots his gun at the dumpster)
spongebob: ok...let me drive. well chill, blast foo fighters like old times
patrick: yah ok whatever. take the truck, not that girl car you call your honda accord
spongebob: it's a stick but fine
patrick come on, i totally taught you stick. fuck, you took it to lbi august 97 when larry was too drunk to be designated driver for pregame
spongebob: well, i guess ill remember
(they're in the car. foo fighters playing)
spongebob: so where do you have to go, home?
patrick: nah i got evicted. we need to go to the gas station on the intersection of totowa road and union boulevard in totowa
spongebob: you got evicted ?
patrick: yeah...by the way, to get there without going on 23, take hamburg turnpike to wayne, hit valley then make a left on riverview drive, then another left on totowa road and ride it until the light before union boulevard. the gas station is to the left of that
spongebob: oh...ah ok so how'd you get evicted. you still make the same amount of money you did last year, a time in which you were paying rent
patrick: well, my rent actually went up a little bit, along with my alcohol purchases over the fact i can no longer smoke until this probation bull shit is done so yah lol
spongebob: how did the rent go up?
patrick: idk. that big ass house that was built when they knocked down vinny's old house was bought and all of a sudden my rent goes up. some bull shit
spongebob: that is some bull shit that has to be dealt with...and we will deal with it
patrick: (cracks open a keystone light) yep
spongebob: why do you have to go to this gas station?
patrick: dealing heroin
spongebob: wht the fuck?
patrick: yeah. im crashing at henry b rollins' place and i'm pushin a little h cuz his lazy ass is doing some crazy shit all the time. reading about how the government staged jfks assassination or some weird bull shit as such
spongebob: patrick, i really dont want to be doing this. this isnt who i want to be. i never want to be driving with fucking heroin
patrick: bro chill. ill be in and out
spongebob: why are you doing this?
patrick: money. why else?
spongebob: what will be purchased with this money?
patrick: a carton of marlboro reds, 36 pack of heineken yeah i can splurge... and a whole bunch of cheesy oyster skin burrito supreme boxes with extra hot sauce, beans and onions from taco buenos
spongebob: oh uh. ok. so maybe you should rethink how you're spending
patrick: why? im gonna make mad money doing this and im homeless and get paid under the table and also i have no bank account. the irs doesn't know who i am and fuck, im still getting my dads disability checks lol we literally buried him in mrs. puffs backyard lol
spongebob: yeah we did do that. huh we were scumbags
patrick: yep. true scum.
spongebob: well, all im saying patrick is be smart with your money. you didn't have this problem last year
patrick: watch it bitch. i went to community college and was pulling a 3.3 and willingly dropped out unlike you, you little preppy boy with your penn state frat while i was going through hell in the fucking trailer park, busting my fucking ass working full time at the chinese food place, taking my mom to her therapies and going to school while you were out sniffing drugs and failing classes. you flunked out. almighty spongebob was talking about how great penn state was gonna be all fucking summer 97. i remember that drive to lbi so well because of you running your liberal mouth about how you're so excited to get out of new jersey and experience college life and meet a whole bunch of superficial assholes in your gay little frat while you ignore your best friends to what...ultimately flunk out, get hooked on pain killers and come back crying to us? fuck you, you pseudo mature sponge
spongebob: ok first off, fuck you, second off, don't bring my species into this. i know i was a little prick, i went through my bull shit but dammit look at you right now. i was never this fucking low. your pinnacle bottom. i've never seen anything like this ever happen to anyone. you went from cool, to kinda douchey, to straight up psychopathic in a matter of months.
patrick: you really love to put me down don't you? stop. we're here
spongebob parks and patrick runs out with the bag
patrick: (behind the old soda machine) yo dude, you need that h?
heroin addict: (looks at the unsafely attended bag) uhhh (snags that bag and runs)
patrick: oh hell no! (tries to find his gun) fuck (runs to the car)
spongebob: what the fuck?
patrick: go after that guy! (loads his gun hops in the back and opens the window)
spongebob: holy shit are you gonna kill this guy!
patrick: yes. let me get a clear shot (a shot of patrick's aim. he slightly on him and shoots but spongebob slows down) fuck spongebob i had him!
spongebob: you really think im gonna help you kill someone? dude you are out of fucking line
patrick: well, i have some explaining for henry b rollins
spongebob: well, what do we do now?
patrick: go to pompton lakes...the neighborhood joey d threw up in when we did acid sophomore year
spongebob: ok
patrick: so yeah, i hope i got you there. im not fucked up. i could've finished school, maybe go to montclair state, and get a lame ass job and died young due to me hating life but i stayed cool and am living my shitty life the best im able to. quit being a dick
spongebob: you just tried to kill a guy
patrick: thats what you do bro
spongebob: i cant believe i am doing this right now
patrick: well like captain picard says "You cannot explain away a wantonly immoral act because you think that it is connected to some higher purpose"
spongebob: dont talk to me
patrick: ...dick
(they arrive at henry b rollins' place)
in the drive way
patrick: all right...time to get through this
(henry b rollins inside smashing rocks with a sledge hammer)
henry b rollins: yeah bro!!!
(patrick comes in)
patrick: yo dude some bull happened
henry b rollins: what man?
patrick: some junky copped the bag and ran with it
henry b rollins... what?
patrick: yeah dude. let's clap him
henry b rollins: (takes a knife and runs towards patrick)
patrick: fuck (hits him as he runs at him. and dashes for the door)
henry b rollins: ima get you (cuts his tongue)
patrick: (going to his car for his gun)
spongebob; why are you getting your gun
(henry b rollins opens his door. there's a slow motion shot of patrick loading the gun, pointing it at henry b rollins. a shot of the trigger being pulled. a shot of henry b rollins as the bullet goes deep in his chest. he falls to the ground. this happens as karma police plays)
spongebob: gasps
patrick: ight. ima go grab all his dough and loot the house. can i crash at your place tonight?
spongebob: uhhhh...sure
(the ride home)
patrick: dude im up 4k! and he had a dreamcast! i thought my broke ass would never get to play it
spongebob: so you killed a guy
patrick: well yeah, i kinda had no other choice. he was trying to kill me
spongebob: still...
patrick: i killed a piece of shit. it's not like i wanted to, fear kicked in due to the fact he came at me.
(silence)
patrick: he has nfl 2k and two controllers
(a shot of spongebob patrick playing nfl 2k as the song i can tell that we are gonna be friends plays