spongebob patrick do blockbuster season 2 episode 12 "how the patrick stole christmas"
(patrick looking at himself in spongebobs bathroom mirror)
patrick: that's right. coolest mother fucker in the world. (looks at his bart simpson tattoo on his thigh) im so sick
patrick's reflection: yeah. you really are cool. how about a little something make you cooler? (hands him a bottle of pain killers) just remember, the easy way is the right way
patrick: did you just talk to me, mirror me?
patrick's reflection: yea, i did. you're so fucked up you saw me speak
patrick: but these are actually drugs...what kind of in-universe implication is this?
patrick's reflection: just go for it for the sake of the plot
(the crew at blockbuster)
patrick: (drinking a beer out of a paper bag) it's the most wonderful time of the year. the reindeer all bring cheer, santas drinking a beer and the jews light candles. it's the most wonderful time of the yearrrr
chris: beautiful
patrick: yeah man. i am happy about everything. i found new life in myself. i am invincible and i look so fucking cool. just take a look at me
(a shot of a visibly disgusting patrick)
spongebob: you look pretty skinny
patrick: it's called a diet. also look how sick my bart simpson tattoo looks (he exposes his thigh and the tat looks all fucked up)
benjamin: patrick, what the hell
patrick: yeah i know. sick right. i look so damn cool. like if my last name was swayze
amanda: i know a lot of heroin addicts who say that
patrick: well, that clever little thing only works for people named patrick so get rip. ima chain smoke while dipping. keep being losers, losers. (goes out)
chris: i feel like that happens in every episode. fuck patrick
(patrick pops his head out of the door)
patrick: i heard what you said chris and i just wanna say i think the rock bottom shrimp massacre of 1974 was a good historical event
chris: fuck you too patrick
(he goes out and packs a lip and lights a ciggie)
patrick: oh yeah that's good (takes a few pain killers) yeah!!! (gets his gun and starts shooting at the dumpster)
(in blockbuster)
spongebob: there he goes again, shooting his gun
chris: anyone else kinda scared of this guy?
amanda: i guess we should be, but knowing him im not really
chris: he does view us all as friends and he thinks we think he's cool. ah fuck
amanda: that's the complete fuckin opposite
chris: how long is this guy gonna stick around in our fucking lives for?
spongebob: we have to somewhat help him. what are we just gonna throw the guy in the fucking streets? he's just gonna keep fucking coming here
amanda: well you're helping him the most. how's him living with you?
spongebob: pretty chaotic. last night he drummed through a whole ac dc album. pissed me the fuck off. he also shot my toaster
(cutaway of spongebob and patrick having coffee at the kitchen table)
patrick: good fuckin coffee. especially when it's 70% vodka and 30% coffee. like the world
spongebob: what?
patrick: well, the world is 70% ocean
where we live and 30% where humans live
(a shot of the toaster going off)
patrick: ahhhhhhh! (gets his gun and shoots the toaster)
spongebob: patrick it's a fucking toaster! what the fuck man
(back to normal)
chris: wow that's wild...
(judd nelson walks in)
judd nelson: guys i just saw patrick talking to a wall
(patrick talking to his shadow)
patrick's shadow: so you're gonna take those pills and tell that guy shadow how it is. make the party cool
patrick: absofuckinglutly
(he goes in blockbuster)
patrick: hey assholes. im gonna chill before the party. keep those pussies tight (leaves)
judd nelson: patrick is funny...
(shadow walking into blockbuster. sees patrick)
patrick: hey man
shadow: hey patrick
patrick: im hyped for the party. one last time man
shadow: yep
patrick: man i just wanna apologize for all of the shit i talked. you didn't deserve that shit. im wishing you the best, shadow codwell
shadow: thank you, patrick (he goes in the store)
patrick: (evil laugh while the darth vader song plays)
(in blockbuster)
shadow: well, one week ill be gone. damn i'll miss this place. have fun staying open then the vhs is obsolete.
benjamin: yeah yeah. i need patrick (runs to patrick outside)
patrick: what asshole ?
benjamin: patrick, how can i forgot about the foul evil deed i had done
patrick: oh my god, you killed bad people! grow some balls. youre actually a woman
benjamin: just tell me how i can be normal at the party tonight. pause the guilt
patrick: i'll be picking you up before the party and we'll get this done
benjamin: thank you patrick
(the crew out back smoking weed)
shadow: these times are almost up. think of all the weed smoked back here
chris: pounds and pounds man
amanda: how much exactly do you think?
spongebob: well we bought a half ounce here every week
shadow: we've been working here for about 10 months
amanda: a pound and a quarter
chris: damnnnn
spongebob: crazy fucking shit
shadow: think of all the conversations we've had
amanda: many topics have been covered
chris: god fucking many
shadow: like when we used to talk about world war 2 that month we binged those ww2 documentaries
spongebob: talkin about how the devils are kickin ass
chris: that team is full of scrappy boys. 2 words; ken danyeko
spongebob: mike emerick dramatically saying "rang off the crossbar!" in the second OT of game 7
chris: he would've said "ohhh what a save by brodeur"
shadow: i'll miss new jersey's team. i'll miss that good bagel place on 46. i'll miss blockbuster. this chapter of my life wasn't all bad, ill maybe even look back at some parts fondly. aside from the depression, blockbuster was mostly positive
spongebob: one of the best moments was when we turned the place into a pizzeria the week benjamin worked at best buy
chris: that was classic
amanda: how did that even happen?
spongebob: it was patrick.
chris: wow
amanda: it wasn't a long time ago when he was cool. he was cool in july...in august he was douchey, in september he was douchey and moody and october on...morally reprehensible
spongebob: that's a great point. (looks at the camera) by the way, i wanna use this 4th wall break to tell the audience to understand patrick's character isn't one to be admired. the spongebob and patrick do blockbuster team is aware of the reception patrick has been getting this season and most of it is misinterpreted. patrick is no bad ass and you don't want to be him. okay, now that we got that out of the way, enjoy the last 2 episodes of the season.
shadow: let's not waste breath on him any longer.
spongebob: let's waste breath on weed
amanda: how many heads are pulling up, shadow?
shadow: a whole bunch. old friends, new friends, hell i even invited that guy who hangs out behind the 7/11
amanda: is...the patrick coming
shadow: if he does i'll live
spongebob: yeah. pretty soon we'll knock some sense into him
(patrick and benjamin hanging out at the walmart parking lot, parked and hanging on the hood of the truck)
benjamin: what are we doing at walmart?
patrick: (takes a 6 pack of budweiser out of his backpack) grab a beer (hands him one) doesn't get much better than this
benjamin: i dont drink
patrick: you said you wanted to numb your pain right? then drink a beer, mr. vagina
benjamin: okay (opens it and takes a sip) yuck. why are we at walmart?
patrick: cuz, look at those mountains on the side of 23. you can get lost in them. it's one of those places you go when, well when you're not wanted at home. as sad as that is, that place for me is a walmart on 23 north
benjamin: damn
patrick: you can live a whole life here while killing a 6 pack. like that episode of star trek tng where captain picard gets stunned by that ship and lived a whole life in his head while he was knocked out. he played that flute in his inner life and beautifully played it in his actual life. i think of that episode as a decent metaphor for my life. when captain picard in his inner life says "i always believed that I didn't need children to complete my life. now I couldn't imagine life without them" i gain some hope that having a kid and being a father will be alright. like it's meant to happen
benjamin: you're gonna be a father
patrick: well, i really hope the girl i knocked up gains some sense and aborts it or at least smoke, drink and do a lot of drugs and hope for the best. story of how i completely fucked up my life by age 20. i'm fucking 20. mother fuckin 20. explain to me why im like this? whatever (chugs his beer then pops some pain killers)
benjamin: wow that's uh, that's bad
patrick: ya do what yah gotta do. my whole family is nothing but trash, felons, addicts and assholes. what's your family like?
benjamin: well, i was mostly ignored while amanda was paid attention to cuz she was cool and i was weird
patrick: ha fuck you
benjamin: thanks patrick
patrick: nah im sorry. i like you dude, im just a fucked up person and i treat people bad. i was neglected too man and i guarantee it was a lot worse than you had it
benjamin: and thas why we why what we are t-today
patrick: i didn't learn right or wrong from mom and dad but here i am now
benjamin: i can relate to that i think
patrick: nothing but a lot of fucking pressure to be better than the assholes who raised you
benjamin: you're speaking some sense
patrick: yah know what, you and me, we're not so different
benjamin: fuck it your right (takes gulp of beer) we're like 2 sides of the same coin
patrick: yeah, we wouldn't exist without each other.
benjamin: (chugs the beer. crushes it on his head, throws it and burps) yep
patrick: mhmm. this is the best it gets. hangin on the hood of my 1979 ford f150, drinking budweiser and spitting dip. hey man, im so broke. should we make some money?
benjamin: how?
voice in patrick's head talking to him: rob people. be bad. do that. do that. do that. do that
patrick: yah see those people? ill pull my gun on them and take their wallets (.)
benjamin: what? (chugs his beer)
patrick: im gonna do that (he grabs his gun and starts walking) hey, are you interested in donating to charity for poor people
person: uhhh
patrick: (points gun at them) cuz im poor
person 2: woah take it easy guy
patrick: (cocks the gun)
(they both bug out and patrick hands them the wallets and they run)
voice in patrick's head: you did good. that was so cool, dude. you are sick
(he walks back to the truck with the peoples stuff from walmart)
patrick: that was awesome. people who say life is hard clearly haven't taken the cool/easy way like i do. but i work too. it's not like i don't do that. but still, doing that is easier
benjamin: should we go to shadows party?
patrick: i guess
(shadows party. people present: spongebob, amanda, chris, mr. krabs, chad, plankton, squilliam, mac, kim, jeff, larry, kevin, don, evelyn, jake, archibald, jim and squidward)
(jim talking to shadow)
jim: the shadow is finally leaving
shadow: yep. for the 80th time this week i'll say its time
jim: im happy for you. im sorry it didn't work out with you loitering in jazztel
shadow: people escape their misery in such odd ways
larry: yeah, right after that, we met shadow
evelyn: and had the greatest summer of all time
don: summer of 97 will live in my heart forever
shadow: that makes me incredibly happy
spongebob: yep. so many good times
jake: remember that baseball game? that was great, just a random pickup baseball game in the summer, just classic fun
shadow: this town is crazy...it has a crazy way of keeping you here.
kevin: stuff like that is what does it
(patrick and benjamin come in)
patrick: parties here !
shadow: oh hey patrick
(patrick notices the big jar of weed and packs a bowl)
patrick: one last time
(kim, mr. krabs and plankton talking)
kim: you guys definitely have to come on tour this summer, do whip its with jack white
krabs: absolutely. we need that, we just went through some shit
(patrick barges in)
patrick: what's up assholes. hey, the alcoholic crab, the virgin plankton and kim
plankton; hey patrick. i haven't seen you at the bikini bottom republicans club
patrick: yeah, since it's at 6, im usually too blacked out to make it. i always make an attempt though. i always end up in dumpsters or at the white castle in clifton
kim: what's the difference ?
patrick: yo check this out (shows his bart simpson tattoo)
(they all look disgusted)
patrick: i know its so sick
(the camera points to larry)
larry: (taps a whine glass with a fork) hey everyone, gather around (they gather around the living room) now that shadow is leaving, im gonna play the part of one his favorites (he puts my bloody valentines loveless in and plays a little bit of sometimes) beautiful. anyone care to say a few words
(the camera shows everyone looking awkward)
spongebob: ill say that shadow is one of the few good ones and i'll miss the shit out of him
patrick: pshh
chris: he was the coolest
patrick: yeah ok
don: he helped me through a lot of shit
patrick: haha
larry: you have any words, patrick?
patrick: yeah. i do. are we all sitting here pretending this whole thing isn't ridiculous? this guy is a bummer and he hates poor people. he's gonna be the same miserable, immature little pretentious prick he's always been, but in his dumb loser liberal mind moving to the desert will somehow change that. i'm goin out for a cig (goes outside)
(awkward silence)
benjamin: yah know, if you really think about it shadow will be here always. his impact on us will remain...he's like this guy that left a lot of influence on all of us. like how spongebob smokes camels cuz of his. he used to smoke marlboros
(the camera shows spongebob approach patrick while benjamin continues rambling)
spongebob: wanna step out?
shadow: yep i have some final words for patrick (they go outside)
spongebob: what the fuck was that?
patrick: the truth
shadow: you really had to ruin my party did you
patrick: oh yeah i forgot the truth pisses you off. because that's what idiots like you suffer from. liberals. losers. fuck you, dick boy
(spongebobs angry face)
spongebob: you ignorant piece of shit! youre unbelievable, would you care to hear the truth? you're an evil scumbag who kills the mood any chance you get. you think of yourself as great but you're a loser! i don't care, i'm not gonna over look anything. you're a loser, an ignorant asshole, a waste of space, violent for no reason and just a typical starfish
patrick: what did you say?
spongebob: you dirty starfish, fuckin asteroidea
(patrick punches spongebob and they start fighting. it's pretty evenly matched. unfortunately, a cop is parked near them and he comes out)
cop: hey! (breaks it up) what the fuck is this?
spongebob: this guy is crazy and should be in jail
patrick: i'll show you crazy (slaps the cop)
cop:(grabs patrick and cuff him) you crazy mother fucker!
patrick; you fuck you, pig. you think you're a big guy huh? cuffing me huh? how's that testosterone boost, chump? (puts patrick in the car and drives off)
shadow: i guess we can go inside now
(inside)
benjamin: so yeah, in a way shadow changed all of us, even if it is in subtle ways cuz they all add up
shadow: well patrick got arrested
benjamin: noooo it was me. i also was involved in the tony soclamo murder. i pulled the trigger. it was me. me! (cries and runs outside)
(awkward silence)
jim: well, there's some desert in the kitchen. some tiramisu, cheesecake and some items from our pastry chief eduardo. all from my and squidwards restaurant jazztel
(everyone carries on with friendly banter and drinking)
amanda: well i guess we have fun now
shadow: that we will
(a musical sequence of everyone signing and dancing along to the safety dance)