sponegbob patrick do blockbuster season 3 episode 3 "patrick vs capitalism"
(sack and sponegbob hanging out at night after everyone left)
sack: man, i missed those crazy kids. im happy to be here, i love the garden state.
spongebob: i guess that explains why you're here
sack: yep. don't worry i won't be in your home too long
spongebob: don't worry man. i'm enjoying this. wanna get high and watch a movie?
sack: yeah, let's see what you got (goes over to the tapes) breakfast club, ferris bueller, rocky, fast times at ridgemont high
spongebob: people on ludes should not drive
sack: fuck it let's watch it (puts the tape in)
(patrick and barry eating lunch)
patrick: yeah dude, tool is fucking awesome. fuck i wish i had my tapes so we can rock out to them
barry: im into the older shit. sabbath, maiden, metallica. ya know
patrick: hmm slayer?
barry: hell yeah
patrick: awesome, that's our common music ground
(patrick notices a soda machine being installed)
patrick: mutant soda? what the fuck
barry: huh, they're only filled with them
(they walk over)
patrick: (to the guy installing it) what is this?
installer: what's it look like? im just doin my job i don't know
patrick: ok sorry asshole. huh, i guess i can go for a soda (puts a dollar in) (takes a sip) huh. it's like shitty mountain dew
barry: lemme try (tastes it) yuck. i don't need this
patrick: yeah, weird how it's here
barry: well, let's go back to the table before our soup gets cold
(steve in his office talking to the representative of the soda)
rep: so here's the deal, you sell out the fridge in a week, hang up the posters around and you get the cash
steve: how much we talkin?
rep: (writes it down and shows steve)
steve: woah...alright. that works
rep: i'll be back
(barry and patrick one v oneing)
patrick: check it
(patrick gets the check he does it behind the legs a legs a few times. dribbles up to the left does a hop step left, quickly goes right, completely breaks barry's ankles)
patrick: yooo fuck it. that's it. that is it right there. i don't even have to shoot cuz i just created the best highlight ever. where you at michael jordan, huh? where you fuckin at boy?
barry: (gets up) oh man. that is enough for me
patrick: can't take the heat? yeah, me and stephon marbury representing the state of new jersey as the leagues best back court for the nets
barry: you're crazy man
patrick: yep. that is why they call me the bad boy of bikini bottom
barry: really? what the hell man
patrick: ha im just kidding, idiot. wow you actually believe the stupidest shit
barry: damn pat chill out
patrick: come on im just breakin your balls.
barry: where'd you learn those moves?
patrick: i was born with them
barry: fair enough
patrick: (checks watch) oh shit, star trek tng is coming on in 5 minutes
(they run over to this lounge room with a tv)
patrick: (they're watching twin peaks and he changes the channel) star trek tng is on
random: we were watching that man (changes it back)
patrick: (sigh) laura was killed by her father cuz he was possessed by this guy named bob and he kills maddie too then he kills himself and james has a stupid plot line after that goes nowhere then this dude captures leo and there's this beauty contest and bob is there and this girl that dale cooper fucks gets taken by bob and he saves her and at the end it reveals that cooper was possessed by bob, end of the series (changes to tng) if you ask me, it's already dated after 8 years. this show is classic
barry; (notices a mutant soda poster) woah, look over there pat
patrick: (notices it) huh, who put that up?
barry: i don't know man.
patrick: (notices a lot of people drinking mutant soda) that shit is literally ass. why do people fucking drink it? the taste is literally akin to my piss after asparagus which i love drinking, yummy.!
barry: ew don't tell me you tried
patrick: oh my god, don't you understand by now that irony is a huge part of my sense of humor? whatever, never mind but im feeling like things aren't as they seem around here. we gotta get to the bottom of this. ohhh this is a good ass episode tho, after the scene where picard totally rags on his brother we commence our expedition to the bottom of this
(sack hanging out in the living room while spongebob is about to leave for work)
spongebob: alright sack, i'll see ya. what are you gonna do today?
sack: go down to matthews, say hi to tony. ya know
spongebob: ok. bye (leaves)
(the phone rings)
sack: yo
randy: hey sack, change of plans. come over right now, we're gonna bang this out in the morning
sack: ight. gimme 15
(spongebob driving with jade)
jade: you guys go hard
spongebob: oh you fucking know it
jade: i guess i do
spongebob: we've been going down like that since 1994. yep. 1994
jade: nice to be accepted by a close group. nice nets windbreaker by the way
spongebob: oh you like new jersey's team?
jade: as bad as they are, im watching every game
spongebob: marbury, kittles and van horn is the nba's next great trio.
jade: if they can bump up those field goal percentages yeah
spongebob: ya know what, i have a surprise and it's gonna require being a little late to work
jade: uhhh ok
(steve in his office on the phone)
steve: we met the quota in an afternoon!
rep: very good. and the posters?
steve: yep. they're all hung up
rep: next we're gonna need you to play the cds we send. the mutant soda soundtrack, extreme music for a super soda
steve: will do
rep: excellent (hangs up)
patrick and barry barge in
patrick: hey asshole. what the fuck is going on in this place?
steve: what are you talking about?
patrick: cut the shit. mutant soda, what about it
steve: oh..well i really hoped no one would ask but we're partnered with them. we promote, they give us green
patrick: promote? oh, you mean advertise
steve: hey, we're just getting a little extra cash. this place needs it
patrick: oh yeah because treating recovering addicts who are healing like a demographic is totally the way to solve it. ok. this is the 1 percenter crap i hate. i knew you were a bitch but it has just come to my attention that you're an ultra bitch. we'll be back. i may technically not be a member of society but i still see bull shit where it's located
steve: well, we like to see you get involved patrick
patrick: may you feel a horrific pain in the region of your testicle area as the vehemence of my wrath absorbs every property of your being. (gives finger as he and barry leave)
patrick: well, i guess we school nerds at basketball for now
(sack and randy driving)
sack; this gonna be a piece of pie
randy: if you don't fuck it up yea
sack; ive been doing this for a long time buddy
randy: well dude i'm in jail all the time so it doesn't really bother me if i am there for a night.
sack: man if sponegbob finds out...
(they show up to the place)
sack: are you sure both you and me can do this?
randy: dude, if we were able to do it 6 years ago, we can do it now
sack: ight. let's get this over with
(they start packing one in the truck)
sack: these muscles still kickin
(they pack it up)
randy: nice to see those arms didn't turn into vaginas
(some guy comes out)
guy: this is private property, what are you doing?
randy: fuck
sack: randy i thought you said no one is at this lot on this time
guy: are you taking my wire?
(randy hops in the truck and drives off with the roll of wire)
sack: randy!!!!!
guy: (chases him)
sack: ahhh! (runs)
(the guy eventually catches up and tackles him)
(a cut to the police at the scene taking sack away)
sack: god dammit randy!
(cop puts sack in the car and drives off)
(patrick and barry walking to group therapy)
patrick: man all of these posters are so pissing me off
(random patient approaches)
patient: what are you talking about, it's paying for our new hot tub
patrick: we're literally being marketed to
patient: who cares ? ads are everywhere
patrick: oh yeah so they have to be in rehabs
patient: man who cares about a few posters and machines? don't you drink soda?
patrick: that isn't the point. the point is that they are targeting this soft drink or "super soda" (cringe noise) to recovering addicts, ie us. fuck you
barry: patrick come on
patient: whatever man
(in group therapy)
group leader: hello everyone. you are all doing incredibly well, before any of us speak, this group session is sponsored by mutant super soda, the official soft drink of the recovering addicts community (opens one up and takes a sip) ahh
patrick: oh my god are you actually serious? wow that is low. that is really fucking low. man, my mood was totally fine at this place and now it's all angry over the fucking ads for this stupid soda. ill be honest, most of the people here are stupid and probably will go back to drugs the second they leave because they're weak. brett's cool tho...i like garret too...vinny said something really funny once but he followed it up with bitchiness so not him...anyways, i digress. we can't keep letting this happen. we're here to heal and this energy soda or whatever the fuck it is is literally designed to get us addicted. oh my god it's so evil! you are all so incredibly stupid, i don't respect any of you. i'll be smoking in the basement in my metaphorical grave if anyone needs me
(barry follows)
barry: every session huh?
patrick: i've got a plan.
barry: what is it ?
(steve on the phone with the representative)
rep: so we do it tomorrow?
steve: yeah. it doesn't feel right though
rep: nonsense. we are all for helping addicts and if we can claim the name to this rehab center then we'll get more notoriety. this is a good thing for all parties involved.
steve: okay. i guess i can get used to mutant super soda rehab center
rep: great! tomorrow we'll announce it. we'll be there in the morning
(patrick and barry dressed in discreet robber clothing late at night)
barry: you ready?
patrick: let's go
(a montage of them removing every poster, taking every machine, destroying them outside and ripping up all of the merch and every strain of mutant soda)
patrick: fuck yeah. that rep will come and it's over
(the rep walking in the next morning)
rep: (notices the pile of muntat soda and mutant soda accessories) huh?
(patrick and barry waiting )
patrick: hey you looking for steve?
barry: he ain't here.
rep: oh?
patrick; yeah, come with me
(he takes him to a discreet corner outside)
patrick: listen to me, you are going to stop using addicts as a demographic and ruining the rehab, okay?
rep: no we have an agreement
barry: be quiet
patrick: you don't wanna see what i am capable of. so i suggest you walk on out of here and forget about this place and maybe learn some respect
rep: okay, i'm just gonna find steve
(patrick punches him and breaks his finger)
patrick: get out of here. never come back...(patrick aggressively kicks him in the nuts)
rep: awehwhhwhwe
patrick: (kicks him in the face) out of here! get the fuck out of here! (he runs off crying)
barry: awesome
patrick: yep. awesome
(patrick in steve's office)
patrick; so yeah, you better not expose us like that again cuz if you do, itll be you who feels my wrath
steve: (looks visibly scared)
patrick: alright. bye asshole
(sack in jail. he calls sponegbob)
spongebob: hello?
sack: hey
spongebob: oh sack where are you?
sack: i can explain...i'm at the town jail. can you bail me out?
spongebob: you've gotta be fucking kidding me
(spongebob driving sack back)
spongebob; unbelievable
sack: but i
spongebob: nope i am not having this again. not again. wow, you thought it was a good idea to steal with randy? you idiot
sack: oh you think you're high and mighty college flunk out mr. minimum wage job.
spongebob: oh fuck you...why are you really here sack ?
sack: jess found out we're losing the house and booted me. she said get the house back or never come back. are you happy? happy to here i'm a failure?
spongebob: you're just an idiot with unsustainable income. odd jobs? seriously get real
sack: at least i work with my hands. i see what you do
spongebob: you're pissing me off hard here
(they get back to the pineapple and get out of the car)
sponegbob: (in the yard) you better not pull it again
sack: oh hush it man
(spongebob looks mad and attacks sack)
spongebob: i am not a druggie and i grew since my downfall at penn state
(they fight as the episode fades out)