Chapter 1: The Truth a matter of perspective

Tommy had been struggling with this thought for months. Almost for as long as Ollie had been back. He still wasn't sure if asking his friend the question that has been bothering him for years was a good idea, but he needed to know. He needed to know because none of it made any sense to him. And at the same time it made every bit of sense, and he thought he should've known. But he still needed to ask the dreaded question, to know the reason why.

Why Sara?

Tommy was and always had been well aware of the fact that his best friend was anything but faithful to his girlfriend. And it was also a known fact that Sara had enjoyed any type of fun as much as the boys. But Tommy had consistently believed that there was an unspoken rule when it came to the blonde; they made sure that she was okay whenever she went out with them, that she'd eventually got home safe (and not just because Quentin Lance was scary and they had no trouble believing that he would kill them if something happened to his baby girl on their watch) and that she was fine with whoever was making her their conquest of the night (or better said thought she was their conquest when in reality it was usually the other way around. Sara had always had mad game). But to keep their own hands off of her. Sara was Laurel's baby sister, someone they had known for years, their friend, practically family. Which should've made her as much off limits as Thea was right now.

When he had first learnt that not only Oliver but also Sara had been on the Gambit, he couldn't believe the implications. Oliver probably just took her along because Sara had always been jealous of the two of them being able to travel the world while she was stuck in Starling. There was no way that they would betray Laurel like that. Both Ollie and Sara loved the brunette. He knew that. Everybody knew that. So no, everyone was wrong. They had to be. Besides, he would have known if the two of them were screwing. He was at every party they were. There was no way that he wouldn't have noticed something as huge and wrong as that. Looking back now, he had to admit that he had been in huge denial. It only took him a couple of days to realize that the signs had been there all along. He had just been too stupid and naïve to notice. He should have noticed. He had to admit now that he had found out about their affair, that they had been pretty fucking obvious about it. The amount of times that they both seemed to have disappeared at a party for long periods of time, or the countless times they left a party together even though both of them had shown up to it with other people… or that time that he had called Ollie on a weekday and he could make out Sara's voice in the background, when they both should have been at their respective colleges hundreds of miles apart from each other.

He had felt like a fool.

He just didn't know what the hell they had been thinking. Oliver was known to have done some stupid shit, but this just topped everything, even the time he had peed on a cop! (which had been epic but also idiotic) They were talking about banging Sara for crying out loud! Oliver had been screwing his girlfriend's fucking kid sister! Behind her back! For a hell of a lot longer than he first thought. And they should've been. He just couldn't figure out what his best friend had been thinking! And he needed to know. He needed to know why Sara. Why he had taken their friend, his girlfriend's fucking sister, with him. Why Sara was dead. Not that he blamed Oliver for what happened. There's no way anyone could've known that the Gambit would sink. He had never blamed his friend for the accident that lead to her death.

The first time Tommy had learnt about Sara Lance's existence had been shortly after he and Ollie had met Laurel. Their new friend had complained about her annoying baby sister, with a special talent of getting into trouble on an almost daily basis. It took a couple of months until the two of them finally met the by then infamous, youngest Lance. A tiny little blonde thing, with huge cerulean eyes and freckles, that looked like an angel and at first appearance seemed to be incapable of getting into as much trouble as her older sister claimed.

It took less than 30 minutes for the boys to alter their first impression. Sara was a little smartass with a quick wit that had made it her goal in life to annoy her older sister as much as humanly possible. For years she was nothing more than Laurel's sassy kid sister with an explosive temper. He and especially Ollie loved to provoke her because honestly pissed off Sara was as hilarious as she was adorable, trying to attack the taller and stronger boys, usually without a lot of success. But Tommy had to admit that she got them good a few times though, vicious little beast that she had been.

It wasn't until Sara hit her teens she became more than that, an actual partner in crime. Once she hung out with them and came up with her fair share of stupid, crazy ideas that would get them all in a shitload of trouble. Ollie and she had the tendency to egg each other on, which was never a good thing; fun, crazy, wild, but it usually ended up with Sara grounded and Ollie arrested on more than one occasion.

If Sara was dead just because Ollie couldn't resist the forbidden fruit, the one woman was completely off limits for too many reasons to count, Tommy didn't know what he would do or what that knowledge would do to his friendship with Oliver. He could've taken any woman with him. Why had it had to have been Sara?

Tommy slowly approached his friend, who was sitting in the Queen's living room. He had planned on having this conversation a few times before but had always lost his nerve, not knowing how this new version of his best friend, who sometimes seemed like a stranger to him, would react.

"Hey Ollie, can we talk?" He got straight to the point.

"Tommy, hi. Sure." Oliver looked up and appeared slightly confused by his question, even more so when Tommy decided to sit opposite him, fidgeting with his hands.

"Look I've been meaning to ask you this for a while but I never knew how to bring it up… still don't honestly but I just need to know…" Tommy started to ramble and Oliver's face went from friendly yet confused to the emotionless mask he had seen several times since his return. The old Ollie would've interrupted him, told him to spit it out already, made some stupid comment while grinning at him, but this new version was staring straight at him grimly, waiting him out. Which was very unnerving and almost lead to him back paddling. But he just needed to know. He didn't know why it was so important to him, but it was. He took a deep breath before just spitting it out (like old Ollie would've told him to).

"Why Sara?"

He studied Oliver, waiting for a reaction, any reaction, but Oliver's face gave nothing away. It was almost as if Oliver had anticipated the question. Tommy half expected Oliver not to answer after his friend sat across from him in silence for what felt like hours. Until: "Tommy…" Oliver took a deep breath and looked away for a moment. "What do you want me to say?" He turned back to him with a questioning look, trapping Tommy's eyes with a steely blue-eyed stare.

"The truth Oliver. Why Sara? You could've had any woman. Why sleep with the one that you shouldn't have under any circumstances gotten involved with? Why would you sleep with your girlfriend's sister? I just can't figure out what you were thinking. What both of you were thinking?" Tommy's voice took on an accusing edge.

"The truth…" Oliver repeated ending with an emotionless chuckle, his voice was cold, void of any emotions which made Tommy shiver.

"She was fun, uncomplicated, expected nothing from me but to show her a good time. She was wild, and free and so damn naughty. You wouldn't believe the things she let me do to her or came up with. Fucking her was the fastest and most certain way to sabotage my relationship with Laurel given the fact that I wasn't ready to commit to her the way she wanted me to." Tommy felt the bile rise in his throat at his best friend's callous words. Sara was dead because Oliver had used her as a means to end things with Laurel? Because he had commitment issues and was too much of a coward to tell her?! Tommy was just about to respond when Oliver continued.

"Because screwing her was the best and fastest way, I could come up with to get out of moving in with Laurel, given the fact that I was too much of a coward to tell her I wasn't ready for that step. While promising her younger sister that she would never find out about us and the trip. All the while knowing that I was lying to her. Laurel figuring out what had been going on between us behind her back was part of the plan from the beginning. She's dead because I'm a selfish asshole who doesn't give a shit about anyone but myself and I didn't care that I was ruining the relationship between two sisters."

Every word he said felt like a physical blow to Tommy. Oliver's face still didn't show any emotions except for his eyes they were a cold icy blue. Yet, his voice was calm, not betraying anything but cut like a knife none the less. A part of Tommy just wanted him to stop. He was wrong, he didn't want to know anymore. He should've never asked. But Oliver kept talking.

"She always knew how to have a great time. I messed around with her and pretty much meant to hit it and quit it. How could I have known she was such an excellent fuck, there was literally almost nothing that she wasn't willing to do, so I got addicted to her. She was the ride of my fucking life."

Tommy got up disgusted with Oliver and the way he acted as if it didn't matter. Not showing any emotion, not even a little remorse. As if he didn't care about the fact that their friend was dead. He needed to leave, put some distance between himself and the complete stranger in front of him who was talking about their dead friend as if she had been some stupid fucking toy that he had broken and not a person they cared about that had died. He was almost out the living room door when Oliver suddenly spoke again. But this time was different.

"It should have been me."

The sound of Oliver's voice made him stop and turn around. He barely recognized the whisper as his friend's, which was suddenly the opposite of the cold, emotionless enunciation from before. Now it seemed to convey too many emotions.

His breath hitched the moment he saw the younger man's face. The mask was gone. Oliver was staring into the air as if he were looking at something important, precious even. There was so much sadness on his face and the anguish in his eyes and voice nearly brought Tommy to his knees and he could feel tears spring to his eyes. He wanted to turn back around and walk away. He didn't want to see this. He didn't want the truth anymore. He didn't want to see just how broken his best friend was. How much losing Sara obviously hurt him. But he couldn't move, and he couldn't look away.

"It should have been me" He repeated with more conviction.

"If I could take her place, I would. I swear. I'd take it in less than a heartbeat. It was my fault. Everything that happened was my fault. She's dead because of me. Because I broke my promise. Because I couldn't save her. It was my fault. She should have been home years ago. She should've come home. All she wanted was to come home… It should've been me. She didn't deserve to die. She didn't want to die." Oliver trailed off for a moment. Closing his eyes as if he were seeing something in his mind's eye before opening them again and continuing: "She was worried about the thunderstorm, scared even, and I made fun of her. Not caring about her feelings. Only about myself and the fact that I had her in my bed, all to myself." His friend's voice sounded disgusted with himself.

"I promised her we would be fine… the last words I spoke to her before the Gambit capsized were a lie. She's dead because I didn't save her. She reached and called for me, and I let her die. I'll never forget the way she sounded, how scared she looked in that moment, right before she was pulled under. I should've made sure she was safe… she should never have been there… she should have gotten to safety… she'll never know that I…" Oliver's voice seemed to break at the end, his gaze was far away and his hand twitched as if he were trying to reach out.

God, Oliver sounded so broken. What he was saying meant that he had actually watched Sara die. He watched their childhood friend die and he couldn't save her. Tommy couldn't even imagine what that must have done to Oliver. He saw their Sara die! How could Oliver deal with that? God, he had no idea. He felt his heart break for his best friend and what this must have done to him.

"It should have been me. There hasn't been a day since she died that I didn't wish that I could trade my life for hers." The last part was so quiet that he almost didn't hear it.

Tommy held his breath, waiting to see if Oliver would say more. But the Queen heir stayed quiet, still staring at nothing. Tommy took a step towards him. This seemed to break the spell and shake Ollie from his trancelike state and he turned his head towards him, looking as if he just now noticed that he wasn't alone. The mask was instantly put back on. But he didn't quiet manage to hide his emotions behind it this time. The agonizing pain in his eyes remained. Tommy stood frozen to the spot, his arm still raised to put a comforting hand on Oliver's shoulder, not knowing what he should do. Almost wishing he had never asked in the first place. This was not what he had expected. Not what he had wanted. He hadn't realized that answering would mean that his best friend had to relive it. Relive the horror of that fateful night that took their friend from them.

Watch her die again.

Oliver suddenly stood up and left the room without another word. Stiffly moving past his mother and sister who stood in the other doorway looking as stunned as Tommy felt. It was while watching his friend walk away that Tommy realized that Oliver had never said Sara's name. Not once.