Chapter 2: The Truth

Summary:

The truth… the truth was the one thing he couldn't tell his best friend. Because after five years, he wasn't sure what the truth was anymore.
He didn't want to have this conversation.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

"Why Sara?" That was the million dollar question, wasn't it? A question he's been asking himself countless times in the last five years.

Why was Sara the one who had to die?

Why did he take her with him?

Why had he ever crossed that thin line between friendship and whatever it was the two of them turned into behind Laurel's back or later on Lian Yu… he could see her smiling face across the fire in the fuselage for a split second and hear the echo of her voice "… I had this embarrassing crush on you…" God he hadn't known. He had no idea that she had been in love with him long before they started their affair before he started dating Laurel even… He should've known. She was one of his best friends. He should've noticed…

"… don't talk to me like I'm other people you have that look on your face…"

"… because I am guilty…"

"…love's the most powerful emotion…"

He could make out the ghost of a conversation from years ago and it took him a moment to come back to the presence and to remember that Tommy was still waiting for him to answer his very loaded question. Why Sara… why indeed. Excellent question. No easy answer.

"What do you want me to say?" It was a copout. Answer a question with another question. Part of him hoped that Tommy would drop it the other part that knew better hoped that Tommy would give him an inkling of what answer he was expecting to get. It would make it easier for him if he knew what Tommy hoped for. It had taken him long enough to broach the subject.

"The truth."

The truth… the truth was the one thing he couldn't tell his best friend. Because after five years, he wasn't sure what the truth was anymore. He no longer knew the boy he had been back then, nor understood the person he used to be before the Gambit, wasn't sure about that stranger's reasoning. He knew what she meant to him now… after their time together on Lian Yu. What he wouldn't do to go back and save her. Listen to her and just grab and hold on to her hand and never let go, take her to the submarine, Anatoly and safety.

"… I don't want to die…" take her home like she wanted to, begged him to "… I just want to see my family…" to keep his promise.

But he couldn't tell Tommy that because he had promised her he wouldn't. And what he couldn't do was break that one last promise. Not after all the others he wasn't able to keep.

"… we're going to be fine… we'll find a way off of the island…".

He didn't want to have this conversation.

Oliver had waited for him to bring her up, had expected him to, so this was not surprising but he just couldn't… he couldn't tell Tommy the truth because he was incapable of handling it. He couldn't have this conversation not now maybe never. Talking to Helena about her had almost been too much. Saying her name for the first time in years while he was looking at her grave had hurt so damn much. He couldn't… not with Tommy looking at him. Just thinking about her hurt. He was sure he'd fall apart if he said her name now because Tommy was a different. He had known her, cared for her, loved her like he loved Speedy like a sister. Oliver knew that he wouldn't be able to push his emotions away talking to his best friend about a woman who had been an integral part of their lives from the age of seven. He needed to end this conversation before Tommy asked anymore questions that would break him. That would make it impossible to keep that one last promise he had made her;

"let them remember me the way that I was."

So that's what he did. He gave Tommy the easy answer, reminding him of who and how Sara used to be and making sure that the subject would be dropped as soon as possible. Oliver made sure to hide all of his emotions, not giving anything away. Recounting the simplest version of events… that may or may not have been true at the time, he could no longer recall the thoughts behind his actions. Couldn't remember a time when Sara didn't mean the world to him. Where he wouldn't give his life and sell what was left of his soul just for her to be alive.

"She always knew how to have a great time. I messed around with her and pretty much meant to hit it and quit it. How could I have known she was such an excellent fuck, there was literally almost nothing that she wasn't willing to do, so I got addicted to her. She was the ride of my fucking life." He mused how his plan worked better than expected, watching the disgust and disbelieve in his best friend's eyes right before the older man turned around to leave. He should let him go thinking he didn't care. It was better this way… easier…

"It should've been me." But a part of him couldn't stand the thought of Tommy hating him just like Laurel and Mr. Lance did. The whispered words left his mouth without his awareness.

"It should've been me." There was strength in his voice now, conviction. It was a fact, a truth, a statement.

Watching Sara be swept away in his mind's eye. Her hand stretched towards him. He could hear her voice desperately calling his name. The two different times overlapping almost mocking him. Reminding him that he had been given a second chance to save her and he had still failed. His pride and need to save Slade clouding his judgment. He should have listened to her. Killed Ivo when he had the chance. Gotten Sara from the freighter and left with Anatoly. It was his fault.

"…I was the one who said yes…" the ghost of her voice reminded him that maybe not the first time when the Gambit went down. But the second time was on him.

"I need you to be save." He had failed. He had given Anatoly the order to blow up the freighter. He was responsible for her death.

"I just want to go home. I want to see my family. Ollie please, I don't want to die." He felt his heart constrict painfully.

"I don't want to die." How many times had her desperate, pleading voice been haunting his nights.

"I don't want to die." Sara shouldn't have been the one who died. She should've been home years ago, not rotting on the bottom of the North China Sea… or maybe her body had been eaten by the sharks that had shown up while he was in Hongkong. The thought made him sick to his stomach.

Beautiful, brave, strong, compassionate Sara… god he missed her. Missed her so damn much. Missed how she used to tease him about dropping out of college or his lack of scientific knowledge. Missed her sweet, innocent, childish nature. Missed the way she trusted him completely even after everything that had happened. The way her smile would light up an entire room.

There was no point in analyzing his feelings for the youngest Lance and putting a name to them. She was gone and all he knew was thinking about her hurt like hell. More so than any torture he endured during his five years away from home.

Laurel and the thought of going home to her and fixing what his foolishness broke was what got him through it, what kept him going. But Sara had been the one he had longed for during the lonely nights, remembering her presence by his side on Lian Yu, their companionship, wishing she was still there with him. Fierce and strong and so damn determined to keep him alive, to go back home to her family.

If only he could go back, go back and save her. Cherish her the way she deserved.

God, she never knew. She died never knowing just how much she meant to him. No one would ever know how important she was to him. Just how much losing her that second time hurt. How many nights he had spent saving her in his sleep just to awaken to the cold, harsh reality of her being gone forever, of a world without her and all of it being his fault.

"It should have been me. There hasn't been a day since she died that I didn't wish that I could trade my life for hers."

His brave, foolish, stubborn and loyal Sara. "Not without you."

He was ripped from his memories when he noticed Tommy move towards him and lift his hand as if he would touch him. He couldn't let that happen. He couldn't… his emotions were too raw. He was too close to losing his control, too close to falling apart. He got up without a word and walked out the door, passing his mother and sister on the way. He needed to leave; he needed to be alone. All the emotions he had taken years to burry were right back at the surface, just as they had been during his lie detector test. He still felt guilty about using Sara's death as a means to cheat the machine.

"I killed your daughter." It was the truth, but still it felt wrong.

Oliver locked the door behind him once he stepped into his bedroom. He went to open all of his windows. Desperately breathing in the fresh air. Trying to calm the storm of emotions raging inside of him. He needed… he needed to see her. To remember her the way she was. He just needed to ban the image of the water devouring her from his mind. At least for the moment. He went to his computer and opened a familiar folder. He knew exactly what he was looking for; it wasn't the first time after all. He clicked on the video file and Sara's frozen image graced his screen. He had taken it just weeks before the Gambit. They had snuck away for a weekend in Ivy Town. Stayed in one of his family's homes. He clicked the play button and watched the carefree blonde smile at him from the screen. Dancing in the kitchen in nothing but her panties and a t-shirt. The sight made him smile.

He put the video on repeat. Desperately trying to ingrain this version of her into his mind and hoping that maybe it would chase the memories of her dying right in front of him from his mind. Erase the horror forever.

"… I don't want to die…I just want to go home..."

Notes:

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