*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, or the likeness/estate of Orson Welles.*
Asuka, a light jacket held over her shoulder by her right index finger, walked into the recording studio with Shinji and Rei in tow. Greeting them in the lobby were Noriko Kobayashi, Hideaki Anno, and Kazuya Tsurumaki. Shinji waved hello to the three of them.
Kobayashi: Asuka, good, you're here. Half an hour late, but still-
Asuka [glaring and pointing at Kobayashi]: YOU. LEAVE.
Kobayashi [startled]: But-but Asuka, I-I'm the producer...
Asuka [glare intensified]: Then you'd better move sehr schnell. NOW.
Kobayashi, Anno, and Tsurumaki looked at each other, dumbfounded.
Asuka [pointing to Anno]: You too, raus hier, verlassen.
Anno [defensive]: But Asuka, come on, I write all your best material!
Asuka [undeterred, examining her left hand's nails]: Nora Ephron wrote my best material. You, on the other hand, write utter gefasel unfit for even the most obviously-corporate-mandated Pokemon knockoff.
Asuka, Shinji, and Rei-the latter two slightly uncomfortable by Asuka's dismissals of the staff members-started making their way to the booth waiting for them. As they walked, Asuka then motioned to Tsurumaki.
Asuka: You too, verlassen, shoo!
Tsurumaki: Asuka, I am the director here.
Asuka [turning to face him]: Correction, you were the director. Baka that he is, Shinji will direct this session.
All looked to Shinji, who shrugged, obviously feeling sorry for the three of them.
Tsurumaki: But-!
Asuka [dismissively]: I take direction from ONE person, under protest...but from two, I can't sit still. Now go on, get out of here already.
The three staff members reluctantly turned and began leaving the studio.
Tsurumaki [grunting]: I can't believe that girl-I was there on her first job...
Asuka: I heard that.
With that, Asuka entered the booth, while Shinji and Rei took their places in the recording room side. A bottle of water was present for Asuka, which she noted as she slung the headphones around her neck. Rei checked the controls to make sure things were on the right settings. Once she gave the go to Shinji, he pressed the button that allowed him to communicate with Asuka from his end.
Shinji [nervous]: Are y-you ready to go A-Asuka?
Asuka [rolling her eyes]: Yes, let's get moving already.
Shinji: All-all right then. We'll run the footage, and you just read the copy.
Asuka nodded at the simple directions.
Shinji: Okay, dialogue one, take one.
Rei then started up the first roll of footage, as Asuka looked at the screen, script already in-hand.
Asuka: "We know a remote farm in Hakone, where Mrs. Igarashi lives. Every July, peas grow there." [Looks skeptically at the glass.] Do you really mean that?
Shinji: Uh, yes, so in other words, I-I'd start half a second later.
Asuka: Don't you think you really want to say "July" over the snow? Isn't that the fun of it?
Shinji: It's–if–if you can [laughs briefly] if you can make it almost when that shot disappears, it'll make more–
Asuka [annoyed and sarcastic]: I think it's so nice that–that you see a snow-covered field and say "every July peas grow there". "We know a remote farm in Hakone, where Mrs. Igarashi lives. Every July, peas grow there." We aren't even in the fields, you see? [Pause. Shinji and Rei briefly chat about something.] We're talking about them growing and she's picked them. [Clears throat.] What?
Shinji [finishing something he was trying to say]:...In July.
Asuka [confused]: I don't understand you, then. When must–what must be over for "July"?
Shinji: Uh, well, when we get out of that snowy field–
Asuka [irritated]: But I was out! We'd gone on to a big bowl of peas when I said "in July".
Shinji [small voice]: Sorry, Asuka.
Asuka: Yes, always. I'm always-past that!
Shinji: You sure?
Asuka: Of course I'm sure! That's about where I say "in July".
Rei [pressing the button and speaking into the mic]: Can you emphasize a bit 'in'? As in, "in July".
Asuka: Why should I? It doesn't make sense. There's no known way of saying a proper sentence in which you begin a sentence with "in" and emphasize it. Get me a jury and show me how you can say "in July" and I'll…give the Third another bikini-clad "physics lesson". That's just fricking blöd.
Shinji and Rei then broke into some indistinct chatter.
Asuka: I mean seriously-"In July"? I'd love to hear how someone would emphasize "in". I mean it's practically impossible, completely meaningless!
Shinji [defensive]: Asuka, I think all she was thinking about was that we didn't want to–
Asuka: Wondergirl isn't thinking.
Shinji: Asuka, can we just do one last try-[Asuka nodded her head.]-and I'm sorry, I said 'in July', if you could do 'every July'-
Asuka [accusingly]: You didn't say it, she did. *Damn doll.*
Shinji: I swear, I meant "every July".
Asuka [confused and annoyed]: "Every July"?
Shinji [pointing to a frame of footage]:...So after this one shot...
Asuka: No no, you don't really mean "every July"?
Shinji: Well...It is, but it's also...
Asuka [irritated]: But that's-that's just bad copy! It's in July-of course it's every July! [Grumbles.] Too much directing around here...
Shinji: Why don't we just move on? [Rei cued up the next roll of footage.] Dialogue 2, take one!
Asuka turns to the monitor in the booth and watches as the new footage starts to play, ready to speak.
Asuka: "We know of a certain river in Ine, near where the Yellowtail gather in great shoals. There, Goro Ami-Amiboshi..." (Scheisse!)
Shinji: Uh, a fraction more on that shoals thing, Asuka, 'cause you rolled it round very nicely...
Asuka: Yeah, right, roll it round and I don't have any time. You don't know what I'm up against! Because it's full of-of-of things that're only correct because they're grammatical, but they're tough on the ear. This is a very wearying one, it's absolutely awful to read. Unrewarding. "Because Shinzaho freeze the Yellowtail at sea and then add a crumb, crisp..." Huh, "crumb, crisp coating."
Shinji and Rei once again engaged in some indistinct chatter over technical things.
Asuka: *Sigh* Who the hell put this tongue-twister here..."Crumb, crisp coating"? Really? It's obvious, because of the way it's written, you need to break it up because it's not as conversationally-written. [Notices Shinji signaling her.] What?
Shinji: Take "crumb" out.
Rei nodded affirmatively.
Asuka [noting this]: Take "crumb" out. Fine.
Shinji: Um...why don't we move on again? Rei, if you could line up the next cue...?
Rei did as asked, while Asuka turned the page of her copy to prepare herself.
Asuka [under her breath]: Here, under protest, is "beef burgers".
She turned her attention to the monitor again as the new footage started to play.
Asuka: "We know a little place in the Shimane Prefecture, where Kazuo Hinata chops up the finest grass-fed beef and tastes…" [Turns to the glass and furrows her brows at Shinji and Rei.] This is a load of scheisse, you know that? You want one more?
Rei: We do, actually.
Asuka: More on "buck beef"?
Shinji [slightly nervous]: W-well, actually, you missed the first "beef" completely.
Asuka [glaring daggers]: What do you mean, missed it?
Shinji [a bit more nervous]: Y-you're emphasizing "grass-fed"-
Asuka [greatly irritated]: But I can't emphasize "beef", that's like Wondergirl asking me to emphasize "in" before "July". Come on, guys, you're losing it in there! I wouldn't direct anyone like this in a Samuel Beckett drama, let alone an audio drama, the way you do this. It's impossible!
Shinji: Asuka, you did six of these last year, and you were by far and away the best, and I know the-the reason-
Asuka [intensely insistent]: The right reading for this is the one I'm giving it.
Shinji [under his breath]: For the moment...
Rei [pointing at Shinji's elbow]: Shinji?
Shinji noticed where Rei was pointing at, and realized his elbow was resting on the button, which meant Asuka heard what he'd just said under his breath. He looked up and noticed she was not happy at hearing it. His face turned bright red with embarrassment.
Shinji: Sorry...
Asuka: *HHHH* I spent...twenty times more for you people than any other gig I've done. You're such schädlinge! Now what is it you want?
Shinji: W-well, I think-
Asuka: In your depths of your ignorance, what is it you want? Whatever it is you want, I can't deliver it because I just don't see it.
Rei: You were doing just absolutely fine, Asuka, really you were. Now may we have one more go? Please?
Asuka: Why? I just did it right, you said! Look, I'm not used to dealing with one more person in there. One more word out of you, and you're out of here, got it?
Rei: Understood.
Asuka: What're you even doing in there anyway, Wondergirl?
Rei: I am filling in as the engineer.
Asuka: So why the hell are you asking me for another go?
Rei: I am unsure of how to properly explain it, but I felt that there was a slight "gonk". I just wanted to be safe.
Asuka [face-palming]: *Jeez-us.* And what, exactly, is a "gonk"? Mind telling me what it is?
Shinji: Um, well, it's like a "bang", but from outside.
Asuka [skeptical]: Like a "bang"...but from outside.
Asuka then took a drink from her water bottle.
Shinji: So, uh, can we get one more go, Asuka?
Asuka: Hell no. No way. There's no money in the world worth this kind of verschlimmerung. [Slips on her jacket as she starts to exit the booth.] If you want to finish this, go find some character actress who's good at being the tsundere. Auf wiedersehen.
With that, Asuka opened the door to the lobby, only to find sitting there, waiting on the couch and a chair, reading from some scripts, were Marie Vincennes, Mana Kirishima, and Mari Makinami. A receptionist came out to address them.
Receptionist: Hi-are you all here to audition for the part of the show's tsundere?
The three girls looked up from their scripts at the receptionist.
All three girls: Yes! Charmed, huh?
Asuka, on seeing this, got a horrified look on her face as she quickly slammed the door to the recording booth behind her while she dashed back in. She looked at Shinji and Rei, both surprised at her abrupt return, while she gave them a sheepish smile.
Asuka: *AHEM* Uh, on second thought, can we try it again? Heh-heh...
END.
**Author's Note(s)**
If there's anyone who's a bigger diva than Asuka, then it's legendary master thespian Orson Welles. This piece in particular is based on both his most famous outtake session and the Animaniacs segment it inspired two decades later.