My name is Albus Snape.

I am an insert from a world very much different to the magical Harry Potter universe. Oh, we have magic, but it is nothing like here. Our magic is not something we can manipulate with wands. Our magic works for a very lucky few who are tired of life. If they wish hard enough or suffer long enough (our scientists are still unsure as to the exact formula, or we would be replicating this, don't believe otherwise), they can escape into a new world. More specifically, into a book world.

What you need to know is that for us, books are just another universe, filtering through our thoughts, urging us to pen it down, to marvel over beings that would never know of our existence. For Inserts, the book world will become their new home, where they will live to the end of their days, unable to return; presumably now content, or at minimum satisfied.

In the past year, I had inserted into Albus Dumbledore, accidentally de-aged myself into a four-year-old, and had been acting ever since as Professor Severus Snape's illegitimate son to hide this strange turn of fate from the magical world. Especially from the Death Eaters who would love to get their hands on de-aging potions and former Headmasters who were now little weaklings unable to wield a wand.

Last year, I had set the Aurors onto Quirrell.

This year, I was going to save Ginny from the evil diary.

This week, I mean.

No, actually, today.

Hell, I did not intend to spend more than a few minutes on this issue—I had things to learn and places to go and… well magical fun to have. I had a whole summer to plan and I was ready.

At first, I had considered just warning the Weasleys, but after my 'dream' about the Ratman standing over Ron's bed, I was wary. Yes they might have caught Pettigrew and exonerated Black (the man was still stuck in the crazy ward), but now I had an unwanted reputation for precognition, and I had to do some hard and fast explaining to Minerva and Severus. Something I would rather not go through again. There had been tears. This time I was going to do it the Fanfiction Way, and there would not be any crying. Five year olds don't cry!

Behold my perfect plan.

I would expose the elder Malfoy in the bookstore.

I could do it!

Today was the day!

"Not today," Severus said, dusting his robe vigorously before slipping it on. Moving purposefully through his bedroom, he gathered his wand, picked up his wallet and tucked a drawer open to search out a handkerchief. "You're staying home."

"What?" I tagged after him like a little duckling. Why was I only now learning of this?!

"I've already asked Hagrid to look after you."

"I'm not going to stay with Hagrid! You're going anyway, so it's not as if I am asking you a favour. Everyone's going to be there!" They were. It seemed to be a traditional day for back-to-school shopping and meeting up with your friends.

"Yes, exactly. Everyone and their aunt will be there. I myself have two Muggle-borns to assist and no time for your shenanigans. Hagrid will be your babysitter today, end of discussion."

"Oh come on! I promised Ginny I would treat her to a bowl of pumpkin ice cream at Fortescue's, Severus. Would you want me to go back on my promises?" Poor kid didn't know she was going to get saturated with pumpkin juice in Hogwarts. Myself, I would rather eat snot. In fact there was a troll-snot flavoured one—which most certainly would not have been harvested from trolls—that I wanted to try. I was a hundred percent sure it was just mint. Maybe. Okay, more like forty percent sure. Either way, it looked delightfully green and chunky.

"I am sure Ginevra will understand if you explain to her that I had said no. You had ice cream yesterday, so you might survive also."

Of all the things I had thought could go wrong, it had not occurred to me that Severus would be the one to obstruct my plans before they could get off the ground. I stomped my foot.

"Don't even think of throwing a tantrum," Severus said, narrowing his eyes on me, making my stomach dip. "Go change into your oldest clothes. Poppy said you needed sun, and Hagrid has some gardening planned." His mouth twisted. "There will be mud."

"All my clothes are the same age." I crossed my arms and stuck out my bottom lip. Just because I had enjoyed jumping in mud one day—one!—didn't make it a thing.

"Wear the green robe that looks like a dragon had puked on it."

Because it had. I watched Severus warily, trying to look like I had no clue as to what he was talking about.

"Move, Albus, there's no time to waste, and I do not intend to be late," he said, and I breathed freely again.

"Oh, you can't be late, but it's okay for me to break my promises, is it? You always nag that all my actions reflect back on you—I would have thought you'd be more consistent in your parenting—" I didn't get any further. He scooped me up and carried me out of his room to dump me on my bed. "Aargh! Don't do that!"

"I do not nag," Snape said, moving to my closet. "And it will do you well to check with me before you promise your time."

"No, wait!"

Too late. He yanked the doors open, and everything I owned tumbled out in a rush to the floor. Which was quite a lot by now. Christmas had given me a haul like no other, the Slytherins trying to outdo the Gryffindors and no one giving enough candy. The tsunami of toys and clothes came to a stop halfway to his knees, and he snatched my prized Golden Snitch up just as it took to the air.

I groaned and flopped back. "Do you know how long it took me to get all that in?! You have to open the door slowly, Dad!" That might not help either. Best was to open it just a crack, stick your arm in and wear whatever you pulled out. Which today had been a light blue robe, luckily a fitting dress to wear to Diagon Alley.

"Albus…"

"It's not my fault I have no space!" Oh. I sat up. "You know what? We can go get me a trunk! See? I have to go with you!"

"We are not getting you a trunk." He slipped his wand out and waved it over the mess. It rattled and clattered, looking very much like a volcano preparing itself to erupt, before taking to the air in a… boring, orderly fashion, floating sedately to their assigned places. While the bookcase filled with subdued thunk-thunk sounds, the toys stacked themselves neatly on the bottom half of my closet, and my clothes flapped quietly to their designated hangers.

"Boring," I told Snape and flopped back down on my bed, ignoring the green robe he held out.

There's no such thing as magically spelling clothes on and off, though you had the option to vanish it. I stubbornly refused to change my robe or move an inch, and Severus was left to do it for me. He clicked his tongue in exasperation but manoeuvered my stiff limbs out of the old and into the new robes without turning a sweat.

"Please, Severus!" I begged where I bounced over his shoulder as he marched us to the Floo not five minutes later. "I'll behave, you won't even know I was there, you can find Percy, he will watch me!"

"Close your mouth," he ordered, throwing the sparkling dust into the hearth. "Hagrid's hut!"

"Diagon Alley!" I shouted at full volume.

We stumbled out into a dusty shop. Score one for me! I would have whooped in delight if I wasn't currently coughing my lungs out, trying not to sick up. The Floo had swirled haphazardly, trying to tug us apart this way and that, and only Severus's tight grip on me had saved me from being swept off into the multicoloured void.

"I will kill you," Snape said, turning us back to the fireplace, "long before you kill yourself."

"Uhm… Help?" a familiar voice squeaked behind us.

Severus swung around, not doing my queasy stomach any favours. "Potter?"

"Hello, Professor Snape," Harry Potter whispered from behind a dirty display case that held a withered hand. Besides that one was a tall cabinet filled to the brim with a mass of writhing snakes all trying to eat each other. Next to that a display of rotten teeth. Oh. My. God. I clutched at Snape's robes. Were we in hell?!

"What on earth are you doing here?" Snape stopped to take stock of our surroundings and his grip tightened around me. "Albus, don't touch anything."

"I wasn't going to!" I pulled my hand away from a shiny locket and gawked instead at the shrunken heads hanging from the ceiling. What was that stink? A year around Severus and his potions meant I could make out most smells by now (believe me, I paid attention, I had a truckload to learn if I did not want to give myself away). This place smelled like a mix of toe gaff, ear wax and boils.

We were the only people in the gloomy, packed room, not even a shopkeeper to be seen. I shivered involuntarily. "I want to go—"

"Shhh!" Harry urged us, his eyes frantic and wide behind his glasses. "We have to hide!"

"We have to do no such thing," Severus said, sounding as if he had just been told of my latest activity. I kept trying to gauge this one, I figured it to be a mix between exasperation and despair with a sprinkle of resignation that this was his life now. I liked to think I sometimes heard amusement as well, more often of late. "Come out of there, Potter. Where's the Weasleys, aren't you supposed to be with them?"

He was. At the beginning of summer, Minerva had boarded him with them and read me the riot act on what suitable Muggles looked like. I spent a week being uselessly angry at the old Dumbledore for the unfair scolding—it wasn't me, was it! I wouldn't have left him with Petunia!

"I've lost them, sir," he whispered, not moving an inch.

"Nonsense, you can't lose that lot even if you tried. Look for red. Admit it, you wandered off."

He tugged me off his shoulder and down to his chest, shaking me into place. I stuck my nose into his hair. Summer holidays meant no brewing and little grease, and breathing in the familiar melon scent of his shampoo, I found myself relaxing. Severus plucked the unwilling pre-teen from behind the cabinet and made for the exit, his robes billowing theatrically behind him. This was a good sign, he never billowed a robe when worried. This was pure irritation, which meant he didn't give two figs about that strange thing in the shadows that was looking at us.

"I lost them in the Floo, Professor, I haven't had time yet to wander off," Harry said, getting some of his spunk back now that he was saved. Being dragged about by the back of his collar seemed not to bother him one whit. "I was trying to get to Diagon Alley, but the Floo spat me out here."

"Floo's don't spit you out," I, who had so far always been carried through one, told him helpfully. "You have to step out when you see the right one, it's easy."

He twisted in Snape's grip, and his sooty face agog with excitement, he whisper-hissed, "It was my first time. Did you know you can see right into people's homes?! I saw one lady in a bath—who has a Floo in their bathroom?! Everyone can look in! You'd have to wear clothes when you shower, and she didn't! She actually smiled and waved at me! Wait until I tell Ron!"

"I didn't see that one." I rarely saw people through the swirl of hearths. Mostly the Floo was in an entryway, or parlour, but a bathroom? That sounded like something made up. "Maybe you saw a telly or something."

More wizard families had televisions than I would have suspected. Severus also had more friends than I had suspected. We had quite the summer visiting everyone who wanted to know about his new son, and I had a great time finding out how the other side lived. I also liked to think I did him proud, being on my best behaviour. Most of the time.

"No, it wasn't the telly," Harry told me before turning to Snape. "Why would you have a Floo in the bathroom, Professor?"

"I wouldn't." Snape's arm tightened around me and he coughed to hide a laugh, turning his head to catch my eye in a shared joke. Which old Dumbledore might have gotten. What was funny about a woman in a tub? Was she too poor to put a curtain in front of the Floo? He sighed on seeing my confusion, his mirth disappearing as quickly as it came, and I felt oddly bereft of something that could have been. Something he and old Dumbledore had had as friends, which I would never get to have as his child.

"Come on, Potter. Molly will be delighted to explain all about women in baths." Snape opened the door, and while a little bell rang above us, he shooed Harry ahead, out of the shop and into a narrow, dark alley. "I have a strict schedule, and I need to take this one to Hagrid still, so don't dally."

"Oh please, I'm here already! Let me stay!"

"Not on your life. You're grounded by the way, in case you wondered."

Fuck.

"Still having trouble, Severus?" Lucius Malfoy asked from the alleyway, and I could actually hear Severus grind his teeth. "I thought Narcissa had sent a book."

"Potter." Mini-Malfoy sneered next to his father. "You look like you were dragged through a garbage bin."

"Oh? That's strange, I don't remember visiting your house."

"What?" Draco blinked stupidly at him.

"He means your house is a garbage bin, Draco," I helped the kid out. He was my least favourite of all the Slytherins, and I refused to be babysat by him or even be in a room with him after I had to listen to an hour-long diatribe on how he hated Potter.

"What?!"

"You heard him. Funny that a baby understood it faster than you," Harry jeered.

"Hey! I'm five!"

Both Snape and Lucius grabbed for their noses—and patience, I presumed—clearly realised they were copying each other, and grabbed the teens instead before it could turn into a brawl.

"Draco—" Lucius started in a warning tone, which I gave him one point for. It didn't do anything for the thousands I have detracted over the last year though—his son was a brat. The worst sort. I was about to tell him this when Severus decided to end the little interlude.

"I am too busy for this, Lucius. Send my regards to Narcissa. Good day." Snape yanked Harry aside and marched him to the exit, snapping, "Desist, Potter!" when Harry opened his mouth, most likely not to say nice goodbyes.

"He started it!"

"And I'm ending it. Not one word, and I had better not see this attitude in school." Severus already had us halfway down the dark alley, the Malfoys still gaping behind.

"Tell him that, sir. What must I do, I'm tired of being bullied!" he complained loudly. Huh. He would never have complained before, even when he really should have. The Weasleys must be good for him.

"I will talk to Arthur to have a word with the Malfoys. You, Potter, can find a way that doesn't exacerbate it."

Poor innocent Severus. Bless him. If the books were running true, Arthur would soon be brawling with Lucius, setting a great example on how to handle bullies.

We walked out of the alley into the wide, sunny main street and nearly crashed into Minerva. Oh for fuck's sake. I would rather take the Malfoys!

"Severus? Shouldn't you be in Leeds?"

"Nottingham." He sighed. "Leeds after. Why do you think anything would go to plan when Albus has a bee in his bonnet, Minerva?"

"I just wanted ice cream." I thought we were a united front against her! What was he doing telling on me! "You can do your thing, I'm not stopping you—Percy won't mind watching me." Especially since it had moved beyond punishment and into a well-paying job.

"You're Harry Potter…" the boy next to Minerva breathed in awe. He raised an old fashioned camera, and the next moment a flash blinded all of us. When we could see again, it was to find him swooning and Minerva catching him before he could crack his head open on the cobbles. Above me Severus swore viciously under his breath.

"I don't have time for this." He set me on my feet. "Albus, you won. Potter, give me your hand."

"Sir?"

"Your hand, boy."

He slipped his wand out of his sleeve, picked my hand, and stuck it to Harry's. The gall! I would have said something was it not for the fact that he might have turned about and taken me home just for that. Severus raised his eyebrows, and I closed my open mouth with a snap. Was he laughing at me?

"Potter. You are to take care of this one until I find you, or if Percy would like to babysit, you may pass him on—the usual rate. Minerva will make sure you get to Molly, and she can unstick you."

"Really, Severus?" Minerva said. The boy woke in her arms, only to faint again the moment his eyes fell on Harry. I had no need to guess his name. Ignoring this fainting daisy, Minerva glanced from me to Severus and back. I have no clue what she saw but she gave in without a fight. "Oh, all right."

For a moment Severus stood undecided, towering over us, then pulled a handful of coins from his pocket and stuffed it in my free hand. "Go get ice cream," he ordered and magicked a handkerchief out of thin air to swipe at my face. "There's enough to treat the whole Weasley clan if you want. Potter too."

He moved the handkerchief to Potter's sooty face. While he sputtered in surprise at being tidied up by his Potions Professor, Colin Creevey woke and fainted a third time.

It was indeed Colin Creevey. He insisted on introductions, nearly fainting again when he shook Harry's hand, his camera momentarily forgotten. In the next ten minutes, we learned everything about him and his brother, his father the milkman and their love for all that was magical and most of all Harry Potter.

Minerva finally motivated the Creevey boy to get moving with some dire threats after the fifth photo he had taken of Harry. They were walking a few steps in front of us, Harry and I trying to put as much distance between ourselves and the camera as Minerva allowed.

A year ago it would have felt weird to have my hand stuck in someone's, but by now I was very used to it. There was a plethora of people who didn't think a child my age could walk unaided from point A to point B.

"So… how's living with the Weasley's?"

"It's brilliant!" Harry's clean face shone with joy. "Molly and Arthur said I could call them Mum and Dad, and no one minds! I'm sharing a room with Ron, and everyone is great if you discount Percy—ow! What was that for?" He reached down to rub his ankle that I had just kicked.

"There's nothing wrong with Percy!"

Ahead of us, Minerva turned around and summed up the situation in an instant. "Albus, what have we said about kicking?"

"Not to. But I am small and it's my only recourse, so I am going to continue ignoring you. Did you hear what he said about Percy?"

"No, I do not lend my ears to childish prattle."

"Who's Percy?" Colin asked, unknowingly interrupting her diatribe that was going to follow my little declaration as sure as night followed day. The kid lived dangerously. Yet another flash blinded us, and through the haze, I could hear Minerva turn her wrath on him.

"Mr. Creevey, what have I said about taking photos of Mr. Potter?"

"Not to, ma'am. But we're not in school yet, are we? I really-really want to show my brother lots of pictures of Harry. He killed Voldemort!"

I nearly swallowed my tongue, and it hadn't even been me saying it. Shocked exclamations made us aware of the crowded street around us, and we now had to stop for a quick lesson on what to call You Know Who and why. Once she had Colin Creevey suitably cowed, she gave him a second lecture on why it would not be a good idea ever to ignore her, sending an evil eye my way that promised much of the same at home. I hid behind Harry until she was done. That kid was truly a Gryffindor! Or an idiot.

"What's wrong with Percy?" I persisted when we were finally on the way again, hissing in a furious whisper, not to attract the Evil Cat's attention.

"He's very… proper."

"Since when is that a bad thing!"

"He always lectures me and Ron!"

I pulled a face. "Maybe you need it."

"Well, maybe you like that kind of thing, but I don't."

I didn't either, but that didn't mean Percy was horrid. Done talking to me, Harry made us stop at a Quidditch store, forcing me to wait while he gawked stupidly at the brooms. I closed my ears to his excited explanation on the merits of the Nimbus—what was the deal with this world and its obsession with brooms?—and to get him back, I forced him to wait at that weird doll shop. If I wasn't mistaken, every last creepy doll was still accounted for and unsold, which wasn't a surprise. Dolls were having tea parties and brawls indiscriminately, and I shuddered seeing Chucky's clone trying to bite the nose off of a pretty little porcelain baby. The baby opened its rosy mouth, and a forked tongue licked Chucky's eyeball. Beside me, Harry gulped. I tried not to look any of them in the eye, ignored the Raggedy Ann blowing kisses at us, and counted to a slow twenty under my breath before I let him move us on.

When we turned around, Minerva and Colin were nowhere to be seen.

"Fuck," I said.

"Bugger it," Harry agreed.