"A robot can't make prophecies," Percy said with the full wisdom of his sixteen years. We had only found him, browsing in the secondhand bookshop two doors down, but that was good enough for me. He made the shopkeeper free our hands, paid for his books, and took us to a small Lebanese diner across the road to have some fortifying tea. There he listened patiently to Harry's recounting of our experiences, all while allowing me to sit on his lap and cling like a barnacle. "I agree with Albus, it all sounds very generic."
"You should have seen her, Percy!" Harry persisted. "She freaked out!"
"I know that shop. I brought my orbuculum there. She's no diviner, she just sells the stuff."
"Your what?" Harry asked before I could.
"My crystal ball. Don't go for the glass one, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Ginny had her fortune read there once. You know what she told her? She would marry Harry Potter and have three kids, and get this, one of them will be named Albus Severus—"
The hair on my neck rose.
"I would never!" Harry shouted.
"Well, you can't now that she's practically your sister anyway," Percy said unperturbed.
"So she can really tell the future?" I interrupted.
"No, I've just told you she says nonsense. I ask you, how can you see actual names in a teacup? Do the leaves spell it out? You'd need Hagrid's mug to fit it all in. Besides, you said this was the robot talking."
It was all too confusing. I concentrated on the easier issue. "How do you know about robots?"
"Harry took us to see Muggle movies. There's this movie called Star Wars that has robots, but they call them droids. C-3PO and R2-D2, it's amazing." He suddenly sniggered. "We can now cast lightsaber lasers that actually cut through stuff. Mum locked up all our wands, even Dad's."
A year around the group of brothers in Gryffindor had given me enough experience to picture the destruction, and I felt sympathy for Molly. Our food came, floating unaided from the kitchen, and Percy tried to get me to sit in my own chair, but I refused. I had had a harrowing morning; I was tired, had been scared out of my wits, and wanted nothing more than to be hugged and told that everything would be all right. By now Percy was well able to do these when Severus wasn't available. He did not fuss. He only settled his plate next to mine and ate his chips with his free hand, his other around me. Harry needed no encouragement to leave the conversation for his food, and I joined him in falling on the Falafel sandwich as if it was our first meal of the day. British fare was good, but the boarding school sorely lacked the variety that Severus and I had enjoyed this summer, and school was going to start soon.
By asking very pitifully, with practiced wide-eyes, I got Percy to take us to Sugar Plum's Sweets Shop before meeting up with the rest. Minerva was going to give me hell whether we went now or later, and it was better to do this before she or Severus tried to deny it as punishment. They kept forgetting my actual age. I honestly didn't understand it.
Sugar Plums was a little purple corner shop, and by now I had a Pavlovian response to the colour. My mouth watered even before we entered, and I was the first through the door.
"Why, if it isn't my favourite little customer!" the proprietress called, moving out from behind the counter with a broad smile on her plump face. "Just this mornin' I've been telling my Johnny it's been a long time since we've seen you."
It had been two weeks. Severus had been surprisingly good at catering to my sugary whims this summer, so much that I might become spoiled soon. I'd been here so often that I knew her whole inventory by heart.
"We went to France," I explained my absence. "They put salt on their caramel! It's awful!" I told her and got a sympathetic click of the tongue. "But their Nougat!" Their Rose Petal Nougat was to die for—even if it gave you two neon pink circles on your cheeks—and I told her in detail about every sweet I ate over the two weeks we spent in France with Severus's cousins.
He had a whole slew of relatives in France, and an Uncle in Belgium. He also had the requisite screwy Aunt that wore a colander on her head and believed the aliens were already among us. I actually liked her. Severus hadn't told anyone that I wasn't really his child, and I don't know what they said to him in private, but they treated me like family.
She gave me a bottomless bag, and I stocked up.
"Having a party, dear?"
"School starts in two weeks," I told her, munching on a liquorice wand, its magic sparkling on my fast blackening tongue. One thing about wizarding sweets, you could rarely keep it secret when you indulged. "Best to be sure."
Stocked up on candy, we had no other option but to go meet the rest at the bookstore. I figured Minerva would be in that area with her charge, but if not, then Molly would get me home.
Flourish and Blotts was a hive of activity. Luckily Percy had had a growth spurt this summer, so he guided us through the crowd to where he could see his family. "Mum!"
"Oh, there you are, Percy!" Molly sounded frazzled and looked it. Her face had a red sheen and her hair stuck out in every direction. "You've found them!"
"They found me," Percy told her. "They were quite smart in it."
She stuck her arms in her sides and looked from Harry to me and back. "Your dad had passed by twice already to see where you were, and dear Minerva has been in quite a fuss."
I bet she was.
"What exactly have you two been up to?" Molly asked.
"It's my fault," Percy said, stepping up. He had promised to take the heat and delivered. "I brought them tea and took Albus to get some sweets."
"Sweets!" she snapped, and I cringed away from her volume. "Oh no dear, I am not upset at you," she told me, "you were not in charge, you are only four."
Five. Well, in a week. But this was definitely not the time to tell her that. The point became moot as Minerva chose that moment to appear. Unlike Molly, she had no qualms about taking me to task. "Albus Snape! Your father has been worried sick!"
"He has?"
"He has! Thank you, Molly, I will take this one," Minerva said, took my hand, and started pulling me aside.
"That's him! That's the child abductor!" someone shouted. We turned to see Lockhart point a pampered finger right at me. "Professor McGonagall has caught him!" A camera flashed and we stood blinded. I was starting to hate cameras! Unfortunately, it did not make us deaf also, and we had to listen to his jodeling. "She must have read my chapter on how to catch a Wilful Willybug. To think, this amazing woman will have the pleasure of being my Deputy Headmistress!"
What? I blinked my vision back to find that a crowd had gathered to stare at us. Gilderoy's finger was still waving in my face when he continued, "Call the Aurors!"
No one called the Aurors. In fact, no one moved. Somewhere in the crowd, a woman exclaimed, "But he's only a baby!"
I was five!
"Aurors!" Gilderoy sang out. This was starting to be ridiculous. Did he expect them to appear like magic—oh, okay, maybe he did. I've learned a lot in this last year, but there was always something new around the corner. I squashed myself into Minerva's side just in case the Madam Bones or her Magical Swat Team were going to pop up and drag me away.
"What utter nonsense!" Minerva snapped. "He is four!"
Five!
"He bit me!" Gilderoy countered.
"That part I can believe," Minerva said under her breath. Out loud it was another story. "I am sure he had good reason. What I do not understand is this nonsense you're spouting. Who exactly abducted who?"
"This little urchin, this street-rat, glued himself to our Savior and ran off with him!"
Her face wobbled. Her voice turned shrill. "This little urchin is Professor Snape's son!"
Gilderoy's expertly plucked eyebrows rose sky high and he looked dumbfounded from her to me. "Oh my goodness. Are they poor?"
"Excuse me?" she asked in such a tone, that I, Lockhart, and half of the crowd quaked as one in our boots.
He lowered his voice and leaned in to hiss in a stage-whisper, "Are we not paid well? I thought the stipend was adequate, but if we're not going to be able to afford decent clothes? He looks like he's been through the maws of a Horntail!"
Idiot! It was a Norwegian Ridgeback. Really, the man knew nothing! I sprang forward to kick at his ankles, but Minerva pulled me back before I could get half-way.
"Of all the—I assure you that none of the teachers are poor!" she sputtered. Around us the crowd tittered, and she straightened her back. "I honestly don't have time for this! Excuse us!"
Minerva hurried me away from the man and his crowd to a people-free corner. There she cast a Muffling Charm on us and crossed her arms. We could still hear the crowd clearly, but all they would hear from us was an unintelligible buzz.
"What have you been up to?! I turn around, and you were nowhere to be seen, Albus Snape! When will you realise that we worry about you, that you are too small to be safe—"
Behind her, it was Harry's turn to be accosted by Lockhart. The wizard swept Molly aside to give him a stack of books, expounding something about 'supplemental reading', before grabbing him and posing them both for the camera. My ears were still buzzing from Lockhart's revelation. He was going to teach at Hogwarts. I had done nothing to stop that from happening. I had thought I had some say still in what was planned in the school, but it seemed not.
I crossed my arms also, copying her, and glared at Minerva who was still scolding. Too bad. Closing my ears I paid her no attention.
"Albus, are you even listening to me?" Minerva asked.
"No. I'm not."
"Albus!" Minerva called, shocked. "What on earth has gotten into you!"
"You are asking? Fine! Why should I listen to you if you ignore me?"
She reared back in honest surprise. "When have I ever done that?"
"You went against my express wishes to employ this—that idiot!"
"Alastor needed an assistant, and he was our only option. What else could I have done?"
"You're telling me, in the whole of Britain there was only one applicant!?"
"Yes." She pursed her lips, her tone turning acerbic. "I believe I mentioned this before, but you were busy with your cake."
It sounded like something that might have happened. The cake part. The rest was just preposterous. I told her just that.
Minerva sighed. "Albus, I know he's a little bit of a dandy and… high-strung, certainly, but that doesn't make him a bad wizard."
"Oh?" I told her about our little funfest in the street. "He nearly melted our hands!"
"You don't know that. I agree it seems like overkill when a simple Finite would do, but he hadn't actually melted anything before you bit him—"
"Minerva, the man is a charlatan!" There was nothing for it, I had to tell her. "Not one thing in his books are true! He obliviated the actual witches and wizards and took credit for their actions!"
She sighed. "Really, Albus, if you knew this, why haven't you exposed him before?"
Fuck. Think! "I had no evidence!" I dearly hoped old Dumbledore had no clue about Gilderoy's lies. "Does that matter? We can get the Aurors to investigate him, and you will see."
"I don't think so, Albus. It would reflect very badly on the school if we wrongly accused him, and I would be the one having to do it while you're off playing hide-and-seek. I will inform Alastor of your suspicions and let him keep his eyes on the man."
This woman was infuriating. I could literally feel my blood boil. I stomped my foot and bunched my fists and glared at her. And her hair turned green.
Arthur Weasley and Lucius Malfoy chose that moment to come to blows.
"Please-please! Not here!" a short wizard pleaded, rushing with waving arms to stop them.
"How dare you!" mild-mannered Arthur roared, and proceeded to throw himself at Lucius. They stumbled into a row, sending books raining down on people's heads.
"I'm begging you!" The manager danced around them. "Not inside!"
Oh God. If they were fighting already, then the diary must be in Ginny's cauldron. Minerva's scolding had prevented me from getting the diary. Infuriating woman! This was the worst day yet!
"Albus—" Minerva started, but I was done listening.
"Fine! Whatever! Do whatever you want, I can't stop you, can I! Just don't blame me if the idiot kills a student!" I snapped at her, decidedly not looking at her hair. "Are you done with me? I need to go talk to Ginny."
At the opposite end of the shop, the two combatants were being shoved outside, purple swirls of the manager's magic pushing them on. The rest of the Weasley's followed in their wake, herded by their mum, Harry buckling under an armload of Gilderoy Lockhart's books.
If I didn't get the diary now, Ginny would have two whole weeks with it, doing God knows what. I was not going to let this happen to the girl who had tried to fly a car for me.
Not waiting for her answer, I left Minerva standing flabbergasted behind and rushed to follow the group out.
Outside I ran right into Snape. Oh for fuck's sake! He scooped me up into his arms, an action by now as natural to us as breathing.
"Where are you going in such a rush?"
"Ginny!" I shouted inanely.
"Still?" Instead of letting me go, he turned to the Weasleys. Malfoy and mini-Malfoy were storming off and in front of Arthur, Molly seemed to be taking a deep breath. Two guesses why.
"Arthur!" Severus interrupted Molly's tirade before it could start. "If you are done there, we would like to invite your lot for ice cream."
"I don't think now is wise," Arthur said with a wary eye on his wife, surreptitiously shaking his bruised hand. "Perhaps another—"
"Nonsense," Snape said. "I have two Muggle families who would love to see that the Wizarding World is not only foolish wand-waving but has some sensible people as well. This only applies to Molly, I'm afraid, but I will suffer the rest of you if I must."
His little joke smoothed Molly's ruffled feathers, just as he intended, I am sure. She let out her breath in a defeated sigh.
Not to be outdone, Fred—or George—protested, "Here now, don't forget Proper Percy, sir."
While Percy cuffed his sibling, Snape stood aside and introduced his charges. I had forgotten all about them. Standing behind him were two fresh faced eleven-year-old girls and their parents. All were wide-eyed and brimming with excitement, with perhaps an added mixture of worry on the parent's side, if I were to judge by the way they bunched together.
"It is a tradition that we take new students to ice cream at the end of the day," Severus told them, encouraging. "My son had been looking forward to the Goblin Snot."
Someone gagged.
"Tricky Thick Troll Snot, sir, and it's just mint flavours with chocolate pieces," Percy corrected him, then blushed beet red and tried to disappear behind his Mum when his siblings jeered. He was way too tall for that but didn't let that stop him.
Molly, ever ready to be supportive, took the group under her wing. Calling Ginny to meet the girls, she hustled us to Florean Fortescue's Ice Cream Parlour, all the way back to where Harry and I had found Percy.
Severus lagged behind the large, noisy group, still carrying me. "I swear, this gets more exhausting every year."
"You seem to manage fine," I told him absently, straining to peer into Ginevra Weasley's swinging cauldron, searching for the diary—it was a simple black book, right? She swung her cauldron in a high arc, happily chatting away with the two girls who was going to be her year mates, and I finally got a good look.
It was empty!
We filled Florean's Parlour nearly to the brim, and the man had a good time dispensing all the orders. Bowls and spoons flew through the parlour, twirling in an intricate dance in time to the music from his wireless. Severus plucked his own bowl out of the air with a lightning quick roll of his eyes, but the Muggle families were not so blasé. Their ooh's and aah's made for extra theatrics, gumdrops and colourful sprinkles forming a rainbow over their heads.
Minerva came with Colin. Leaving the boy at Ginny's table, she fell down with a sigh next to Severus. "This day has been much too long."
Still incensed with her, I took up my bowl and slid off Severus's lap to go join Percy, Harry and Ron. Harry was telling Ron all about the naked woman in the Floo, both of them giggling and snorting. Behind me, Snape asked Minerva if she was aware that her hair was now green.
"I still have your sweets," Percy told me, scooting over to make place. "Do you want them now?"
"Later," I told him dejectedly and sulked over my minty ice cream. This had been the worst day ever. All the fuss, and I didn't even have the diary to show for it. Why had I even bothered to get out of bed?
"I know just what will cheer you up," Harry said and pushed the stack of Gilderoy's books across the table to me. "Here, you can have them all. It's not as if we need to buy them anyway. He's only going to be the bloody assistant."
I nearly killed him.
I wanted a nap.