I'll show you that there's another sky

I'll call forth the autumn that was once like you

I'll be the winter flower, be the dancing star

I'll be by your side

"Winter Flower" by Younha

Chapter 4: A Little's Enough

The air is warm in her tiny apartment. She squeezes past him in the hallway to turn on the light. The fabric of her shirt rubbed against his and his breath hitched for that millisecond.

"Welcome!"

It's perfect. It's exactly as he could've imagined it. She had rows and rows of books lining the wall, some stacked in piles in the corner. He looked at the walls, lined with pictures of her, her friends, her family. She always had been sentimental. Looking at the images now, he felt a slight pang in his heart that he missed all these moments and important times in her life. One image he remembered, however. It was their high school graduation. 18-year-old him was on the far left, a goofy and giddy smile on his face, ecstatic that he actually graduated. Next to him was Lara Jean, she had her face slightly buried in his chest though you could tell she was still smiling. Then Chris, Lucas, Gabe, Greg, Trevor, and Gen on the far right. He felt Lara Jean's presence before he heard her.

"High school graduation. I think this was the only picture we managed to take where we were all sort of looking at the camera."

"It's perfect." He says out loud, letting the words slip past his lips. "Do you ever miss this?" He pointed at the photo.

"Sometimes." Lara Jean answered honestly. "But I also like being an adult much better. It's nice to just be able to eat a block of cheese for dinner and not get yelled at."

He wants to reach out to her, pull her close, but he stops himself. His fingers tingled with the anticipation.

"Sometimes I wish we never grew up." Never grew apart.

Lara Jean made a light noise of agreement before she moved further into her apartment, towards the kitchen. Peter perused her bookshelves while she bustled around in the kitchen. Austen, Hardy, Blake, Bronte, Austen again, Bronte again. He fiddled with some of the spines, looking for one to catch his eye. "You stopped reading your bodice rippers?"

She scoffed loudly. "Excuse you but I enjoy them for their camp. Plus, they're not really the types of books you put out in the living room."

"You have a separate bookshelf for your sex books?"

"Yes, I have a separate bookshelf in my bedroom." She said pointedly, ignoring his comment. "Doesn't everybody?"

She was so cute. "No, Covey, most people don't usually have these many books."

"How many books do you have on your bookshelf?"

"You should come over and see." His tone was teasing but he noticed her eyes darkening and the flush on her cheeks.

She sputtered and then opened the fridge door a little too forcefully, jostling the cartons of milk and orange juice.

He moved closer to her, beginning to encircle her as she leaned against the counter. "Do you want to come over and see, Covey?" His voice was deep and gruff as he leaned in towards her, his lips brushing against her ear. She could feel his breath on her skin.

Run mad as often as you choose but do not faint. She reminded herself. It was one of her favorite Jane Austen quotes and at this moment, she repeated it like a mantra in her head.

She looked at him, her skin buzzing. His hand went to her waist, touching the fabric of her shirt ever so slightly. She lifted her head to his and that was all the sign he needed. He captured her lips with his own. God, it felt so right. All the mistakes, the stupid fights, the ignored phone calls, the missed lacrosse games – it all melted away in this moment. He deepened the kiss, his arms fully around her as he pressed her body up against his, enjoying all the curves.

She moaned into his mouth when he bites her bottom lip and he almost loses control. It was the hottest thing. He smiles against her lips and managed to pull her even closer, his hand firm against her back. They stayed like that, kissing each other until their lips were red and swollen. When Lara Jean finally pulled back, she had to steady herself, her head woozy.

"You okay?" He asked quietly. "Is…" He trailed off for a moment. "Is this okay?"

She answered almost immediately. "Yes, Peter. This is very much okay." And they were kissing again.

Her hands went up into his hair as he trailed kisses all the way down her neck, nipping and licking at her collar bone. "Hmmm." She murmured into his ear. His hands slipped under her shirt and suddenly, her stomach was bared. She sucked in a breath of air, the sensation tingling down her spine.

"Can I?" He asked softly. She nodded mutely, knowing that in this moment, she could deny him nothing. He still had this hold over her. All she wanted to do was say yes to him.

He slipped her shirt off and wrapped his arms around her waist, lifting her onto the counter. She opened her legs wide and he stepped in. She pulled his shoulder down towards her mouth, kissing it gently, leaving a trail of butterfly kisses down his arm. She opened his hand and kissed his palm before poking her tongue out, licking his finger. And then she was sucking his entire index finger. He had to stop his jaw from dropping open, his erection pressing up against his jeans, desperate for contact.

"There's no one like you, Covey." He whispered to her.

She smiled shyly up at him. She was just so… her. Sexy yet innocent and just perfect. He brushed the hair out of her face.

It was the perfect moment like the ones she read in her romance novels. The heroine and the hero reunite. They kiss passionately and make up. He falls in love with her again. And she with him. The perfect love story.

Then her stomach growled.

They both burst out laughing and she flushed, embarrassed. "I told you I didn't eat lunch!"

"Let's get you something to eat." He helped her put her shirt back on, steadying her as she hopped down from the counter.

Lara Jean decides to make a pizza. She had some leftover premade dough from her midnight craving last week when after hours of study, she took out her frustration by kneading and punching some pizza dough. As she and Peter both assembled the toppings, she couldn't help but notice how domestic it was. Was this how it could've been all along? Would they have bought a house? Would they have Monday Night Pizza where they would repeat this weekly?

She stopped her trail of thoughts. No. She was not going to live in the past. She still couldn't help herself though. Leave it to her to overthink and overanalyze every moment and situation. She had always done this and where did it leave her all those years ago with their relationship? Crying in her dorm room alone.

Peter sensed the change in her mood and touched the small of her back gently. "What's going on up there, Covey? I can tell that your gears are moving a million miles an hour."

"Nothing." She lied. "Really."

He raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "Come on. You know you're a bad liar."

She sighed and shrugged, leaning in for a hug. "I was just thinking about what could've been if we hadn't broken up. You know?" She didn't really even know what answer she wanted from him. Acknowledgement? Apology? She really needed to stop.

"I'm sorry we lost so much time." He finally said after a few moments of silence. "But maybe we needed that time? Just think of everything we've both accomplished in the last few years without any regrets and boundaries. I think we needed the distance."

His answer was honest, refreshing, but Lara Jean still felt the pang in her heart. "I never wanted to hold you back."

"It was never you holding me back, Lara Jean, it was me. Even before college, I was ready to give up that scholarship at UVA to follow you. That would've been so stupid of me, racking up all that unnecessary debt, but love messes with my logic. I would've followed you anywhere."

She knew he was right but a small part of her couldn't help but wonder what if they were doomed to repeat their past mistakes? Was she holding him back now?

He could see her thoughts whizzing and he held her tighter, kissing her forehead. "It doesn't matter anymore. We're here now and all of that is the past."

She knew he was right but she couldn't quell the discomfort in the pit of her stomach. She pulled away from him and put the pizza in the oven, quickly changing the subject.

They spent the rest of the night talking, teasing each other occasionally. He touched her whenever he could, brushing the hair out of her face, rubbing circles on her palm, a firm grasp of her waist. It comforted her, having him so close. It just felt right.

A bottle of wine and an entire devoured pizza later, Peter found himself at Lara Jean's doorway, kissing her goodnight.

"I'm sorry I took up so much of your time. I know you had a lot to do today."

"I'd much rather do this than read." She smiled up at him. "Plus, I actually got a lot done today so I'll be fine."

He grabbed her hand and squeezed it before leaning down to kiss her goodnight. "I'll text you."

It was perfect. Everything was perfect.

Peter had sent her a continuous stream of sweet texts throughout the rest of Sunday night and Lara Jean founded herself waking up Monday morning with a stupid smile on her face. It was like she slept all night smiling.

She looked at the clock. It was only 7:00AM and she had another hour before she needed to make it to campus for a meeting with the other teaching fellows and the professor. Blindly, she reached for her phone and pulled up her messages, scrolling through the series of texts that she and Peter had exchanged last night.

Lara Jean: "Good morning! Have the best day."

When did she become such a cheeseball? She crawled out of bed and started to prepare herself for the day, getting dressed in a peter pan collar mustard corduroy dress, leggings, and short boots. She was taking a bite out of her toast when her phone buzzed.

Peter: "You too, Covey. This week is going to be insane."

Peter: "I miss you already."

Lara Jean: "Miss you too."

She nearly floated out the door. It was another unusually warm day and she shrugged off her jacket when she started walking. She popped into the coffee shop a few blocks from her house, ordering her usual iced hazelnut latte.

She was early but that was not unusual. She sat in the meeting room and sipped on her coffee, reading over her notes on the latest chapter and assignment for her students. A few minutes passed when someone walked in.

"Morning, LJ." John Ambrose McClaren smiled at her winningly and she wondered for a brief moment if she's ever seen him not smiling so widely. He just radiated warmth and positivity. "How's your morning going?"

"Good. I got up early and got here with plenty of time to spare so no complaints."

"Did you have a good weekend?"

She couldn't help the smile that covered her face, thinking about Peter. "One of the better weekends I've had recently."

"That's awesome! You looked like you were having a good brunch. Isn't that place the best? I got the fruity pebbles pancakes and it was literally all I've been craving since."

She nodded eagerly. "Oh, I know. Those are amazing! If you have a sweet tooth, the cinnamon toast crunch French toast is phenomenal. You have to try them next time. They taste like my childhood."

They chatted a bit more about their favorite breakfast foods and eventually, segued to more academic related matters. John flipped to a chapter, his book covered in diligently made notes. Lara Jean saw the many tiny post-its poking out of the pages. He pointed at a passage on the page, asking Lara Jean her opinion.

"See here, I just feel like this here is wildly conservative. It just goes to show how prim and proper she is."

"Noooo." Lara Jean drew out her the word, shaking her head furiously, her headband almost dislodged itself. "You don't think she's an undercover feminist?"

The course they taught had moved onto the portion about gender and culture in 19th century Britain and they were currently discussing Fanny Price from Mansfield Park.

"She's a prig, Lara Jean. She just prods on and on about her Christian morals and ideals and sucks the fun out of the actual interesting characters. Over 400 pages and not a single joke? Too austere for me."

"You're making her sound like some kind of prude, which she is most definitely not." She was about to argue her point further when the professor stepped into the room, followed by the last of the teaching fellows trickling in.

"We will continue this later." John Ambrose promised, his eyes teasing.

Lara Jean looked down sheepishly, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach. She should not be flirting with him and she wasn't! They were just arguing which is definitely not flirting. Besides, she and Peter never made any promises to each other. They didn't talk about what happened, what they were, just friends that occasionally kissed? Did she have to feel guilty about this? God, now she was second guessing herself. What exactly was last night? A few passionate kisses and dinner? Did friends do that?

She pushed away the thoughts about her love life and focused on the professor's sonorous voice.

It was 2:56AM when he finally wrapped up his notes, having spent the majority of his day prepping for the client meeting at the end of the week. He felt like his office had a revolving door with Associates coming in every time he thought he'd finally be able to start on his own work. He barely had time to eat, stuffing a sandwich into his mouth while he typed away at his computer. He climbed into his Uber and looked at his phone. It was the first time the whole day that he had a chance to even glance at it. He saw the series of texts from Lara Jean and immediately felt a pang of guilt. Crap. He didn't mean to ignore her all day. He knew that she would probably already be sleeping when he called but he thought, why not? She's a student. She might still be up studying.

No such luck. He couldn't help but feel disappointment for a brief moment before the overwhelming exhaustion washed over him. He typed out a quick text: "Miss you" before hitting send and promptly passing out in the car. He could probably sleep for four hours before he had to be back in the office. Getting there at 8AM was probably too late, he knew. But, he needed some rest.

When she woke up Tuesday morning, she saw that she had a missed call from Peter. He called her at 3AM? Weird. She wondered if he called by accident. She saw the text and smiled.

Lara Jean: "Miss you too."

It was Thursday night at 8:12PM when she next hears from him. He doesn't text her for two days and to be fair, she hasn't texted him either but she can't help the doubt and uncertainty that begin to creep into her mind. She's at dinner at Chris's place when he finally texts her.

"Hi stranger."

She stares at her phone for a little too long, debating if she wanted to and how to respond.

"What's up, LJ? You got naked men on that phone?'

She slaps Chris gently and takes a bite of her pasta, buying her some time before she has to answer. "Peter finally texted me."

"When was the last time he texted you?"

"Monday night, well, I guess technically Tuesday morning." She paused for a moment. "That's weird, right? To go so long without hearing from him? That's what you would do to a friend but not like a romantic friend?" She couldn't stop herself from rambling, all the anxiety that had been building up from the last few days pouring out.

"Well, I think based on how he kissed you and you proceeded to make out with him without your top on, he probably thinks of you as a romantic friend."

She flushed with embarrassment. "I don't know. Maybe this is his thing now?"

"What? That literally doesn't make any sense. Kavinsky has and always has been a hopeless romantic. Look what happened when he tried to rebound and fake date you!"

Lara Jean let out a sigh. "God, I feel like I'm 16 all over again. Stressing about texting Peter Kavinsky and wondering if he actually likes me."

"He likes you. It's like beating a dead horse over here, jeez." Chris nudged her. "Hey, is that such a bad thing to feel like that?"

"I'm not sure." She answered honestly. "No one else has ever made me feel like this. All the logic just goes straight out my head when I'm around him. He just makes me feel," she pauses, trying to find the right words. "Like I'm going a thousand miles per hour and I can't slow down to think because all I want to do is be in the moment and enjoy it."

"That definitely doesn't sound like a bad thing." Chris pushed Lara Jean's phone towards her. "Text him back."

Lara Jean bites her lip, debating what she wanted to say. She settled for a simple "Hi."

Peter: "Can I buy you dessert? I'm sure you've already had dinner."

Lara Jean: "I have to teach at 8AM tomorrow so I really shouldn't."

Peter: "I promise I'll have you back before your bedtime."

She grinned. "Fine. But, I'm getting at least three scoops. Can you meet me at the ice cream place by my house?"

Peter: "Sure, text me the address."