Light on me

Because I can't come to you

You know that I can't

Show you me, give you me

But, I still want you

"The Truth Untold" by BTS

Chapter 6: Madness of madness

Lara Jean's breath hitched when she said it. "So, just friends?" She asked, imploring him to say no. And, when he agreed to it so easily, as if without a second thought, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, she almost flinched. No, she wasn't going to let herself go down this path again. She steeled herself and forced her face to remain neutral.

This was what he wanted. And, it made so much sense. He didn't have time for a girlfriend. He had spent most of the night talking about how busy he was with work and it wasn't right for her to force anything, especially since he didn't see her like that anymore.

So, they'd keep it casual. She could totally do that.

God, she couldn't even lie to herself.

Peter stayed over that night. Lara Jean rolled over in bed and looked up at the ceiling. She couldn't sleep. She turned, staring at his face through the darkness. He was still the most handsome guy that'd she'd ever seen in real life. She wanted to reach out and brush away the hair from his face but stopped herself from caressing him. She could hear the deep breathing emanating from him and see the steady rise and fall of his chest.

"I don't want to be just friends." She whispered to him. There, she said it. Yes, she said it to him in his sleep but that was all the courage she could muster for the moment. She couldn't let herself fall for him again. She closed her eyes, willing sleep to come so she didn't have to be alone with her thoughts. This was a dangerous path to go down and she knew that she would spiral. She always did.

Sleep evaded her and she stared at the red lights of her alarm clack. They blinked back 1:00AM, as if mocking her. Frustrated, she got out of bed and closed the door gently, not wanting to wake Peter. She looked at her phone and wondered if Kitty was still awake. It was late but then again, she was a college student and this was 1AM on a Friday night.

Kitty picked up on the third ring. Lara Jean could hear the commotion in the background. "Lara Jean, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," she whispered, grabbing her keys and stepping out into the hallway. She walked towards the lobby and sat in the fluffy chair, making herself comfortable. "I just need to talk to someone."

"What did you do?" Her tone was accusing.

"I didn't do anything!" She sighed. "I guess that's part of the problem." The whole story of what had been happening in the last week between her and Peter spilled from her lips before she could stop herself. Kitty listened patiently on the other end.

"Are you done? Can I say things now?"

"Yes, of course."

"You're a raging idiot."

Lara Jean sputtered. "What? How am I the idiot when he's the one that wants to be just friends?!"

"He very clearly does not want to be just friends and is probably just going along with this because you won't tell him how you feel."

"I don't feel anything towards him, Kitty." A lie. "It's not like I've just been sitting here for the last 6 years, pining away for him. We broke up and I got over it."

"No, you didn't! I remember what you were like when you guys broke up. You were a goddamn mess. I don't think you stopped crying for months."

"What does that have to do with this now? It's in the past."

"You guys can't pretend that you didn't have a past. All those things actually happened, Lara Jean, and no matter how much you want to forget them and brush it under the rug, you can't will away the feelings."

Lara Jean was silent for a few moments, trying to formulate a response but she couldn't. Kitty was right. "I don't know what to do."

"Tell him how you really feel."

"Kitty, I can't." Her voice cracked again. "I'm terrified. He's only come back into my life again for a week and all the emotions have just been rushing back and I can't stop it. I can't get hurt again." She really shouldn't be saying all this to her little sister who was probably just trying to have a good time at a party.

The voices had died down behind Kitty and Lara Jean could tell that she was probably outside or had snuck into a quiet room. "Lara Jean, he loves you. He never stopped loving you."

"You don't know that."

"I do know that." Kitty trailed off softly. "Did you know that when I was little, I looked up to you all so much? First, I wanted a love like mommy and daddy's, then Margot and Josh's, and then yours and Peter's. I think I liked yours and Peter's the best because at the root of it all, you guys were such good friends." She paused for a moment. "When you guys broke up, I was so upset. It was like my perfect love story was ruined too." She had never said this to Lara Jean before and Lara Jean's heart broke a little further. She never meant to hurt Kitty. "I'm so happy for you guys. You found your way back to each other. Lara Jean, just let this be your love story. I know you want it to be."

"Yeah." Lara Jean replied though she didn't even know what she was agreeing with. "Hey, I'll let you go. I know you're busy. Thanks for talking with me."

"You can always call me."

"I know. Love you."

"Love you more. Bye."

"Bye."

Lara Jean snuck back into the apartment and her room. She slid under the covers and closed her eyes, sleep finally overtaking her. Next to her, Peter watched her, his face etched with concern.

They didn't speak much when they first woke up. Lara Jean got up earlier to make pancakes and eggs for them. When Peter finally joined her in the kitchen, his arms went around her waist as if it was the most natural thing in the world. He kissed the top of her head. "How'd you sleep?"

"Great!" She lied, false cheeriness in her voice. "I'm making blueberry pancakes."

"I'm so lucky," he whispered into her hair, giving her a kiss on the neck.

She giggled and pushed him away. "You better stop or else you're getting the burnt ones."

"Thanks for making breakfast, Covey."

His smile was so real and her heart swelled. She couldn't help but smile back. "Of course."

They decide to go to the aquarium. The last time that she went to aquarium was junior year, on a school field trip. They had just broken up and he followed her into the quiet exhibit. She thought he was going to try to make up. Instead, he asked her for the necklace back. She remembered how she felt that day – like he had literally ripped a part of arm off, she was in so much pain. She had thought that was it. That was the end.

And, here they were.

He interlaced his fingers through hers and had to drag her away from the seals.

"But they're so cute!" She whined.

"Covey, we haven't even gone through the front doors yet. Can we please just go in?" When she just wouldn't leave, cooing through the glass at one of the seals, he smiled and rolled his eyes. "Alright, I'm going in without you."

She didn't care much, clearly distracted. He came out the doors a few minutes later, tickets in hand. "They've got an entire pool of penguins in there."

"Oooo!" She squealed, quickly following him in. "Oh wait, send me a venmo request for the ticket."

"I got it, Covey, don't worry about it."

She bit her lip and looked up at him, confusion coloring her brown eyes.

"Think of it as a thank you for making breakfast."

"Okay," she said haltingly, not convinced.

He grabbed her hand and led her towards the penguins and all thoughts about money fled from her mind. They wandered around the aquarium but eventually found themselves back at the penguins. Lara Jean leaned over the railing, staring at one particular penguin that had crawled his way to the highest rock, the one closest to the vent and air conditioning, plopping itself down comfortably, refusing to move. When other penguins tried to steal his spot, he just smacked them away with his fin. She needed to learn something from this penguin, she thought.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a buzz in her skirt. She reached for her phone.

John: "Did you see Professor Engell's email?"

Lara Jean: "No, do I even want to know?"

John: "He wants us all to come in this afternoon to talk about the final."

Lara Jean: "Are you serious? It can't wait until Monday?"

John: "He said he wants to start his sabbatical research early and plans to leave for London tomorrow so no."

Lara Jean: "Ughh, fine. I'm out right now but I'll take a look and head back to campus in a bit."

She glanced at Peter who had a faraway look in his eyes. "Hey, so I need to get back to campus for a meeting with a professor."

"Right now?"

"Yeah, no rest for the weary, right?" She leaned up and gave him a light kiss at the corner of his lips. "This was nice though."

It felt like a date. But, it definitely wasn't. They were just friends hanging out.

"Yeah, it was." Peter shoved his hands his jean pockets. "I guess I should head to Gabe's earlier then. He keeps trying to get me to help him put together his furniture."

"IKEA?"

"Yeah, so it's going to take several hours."

Lara Jean laughed. "Good luck with that!"

"It's going to be a wild Saturday night." He paused for a moment, suddenly grabbing her hands, rubbing circles into her palm. "Can I see you tomorrow?"

She looked at him with her head slightly tilted, surprised. Tomorrow was her writing day. She really shouldn't. She needed to work but she couldn't stop herself. "Yeah, sure."

When she saw the smile on his face, it was worth it. She swallowed hard, smiling back.

All the teaching fellows definitely appeared to be peeved that they still had to meet, so last minute, and on one of their few days off. But, they all filed in and listened to the professor discuss what he thought were the key criteria for grading the final papers.

After their meeting, John bounded after Lara Jean, catching up with her. "Well, that could've definitely been an email."

"I know, seriously."

"What are you up to?"

"Well, I guess since I'm already thinking about class, I might as well just finish my reading for this week."

John looked horrified. "It's Saturday night and you're just going to read?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

John's eyes glimmered as he took her hand. "Come with me, Lara Jean, I can show you the world."

She pushed him away, laughing. "You're such a nerd." Still, she followed after him.

"PK! You made it!"

Gabe's apartment was big and spacious. Peter was impressed though it was Gabe so he should've expected nothing less. "Wow, this place is nice!"

"Yeah, it used to be a warehouse and they converted it into apartments. It can get a little drafty when it's windy but still. Nice though, right?"

Peter nodded, walking around the living room. It looked even bigger without any furniture though it was still filled with unopened boxes.

"So, I've got pizza on the counter and beer in the fridge. Help yourself." Gabe pointed towards his kitchen before resuming his current project of putting together his bookcase. "I've been trying to assemble bookshelves for the last hour."

"You know you can have them assemble it for you, right?"

"I refuse to pay hundreds of dollars for someone to do something I can do myself for free."

Peter rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his beer. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure the opportunity cost is a little skewed there but…" he shrugged and trailed off, sitting down on the floor and grabbing a plank. As they worked, Peter and Gabe chatted about their weeks. Gabe was a financial analyst at one of the big banks downtown. They both led parallel lives, their work situations often times overlapping.

Gabe paused for a moment before deciding to ask. "So, how'd it go with Largie the other night?"

Peter pressed his lips together and sighed. "I guess as well as I could expect."

"That doesn't promising."

"We decided that we would just be friends for now."

Gabe scoffed. "That's the worst idea. You guys can never go back to just being friends. You dated for years. You think all that's just going to go away?"

"I don't know. It's what she wanted so I'm just going with it."

Gabe looked at him seriously, shaking his head. "You remember what happened last time when you decided to just go with it, right?"

Yes. Painfully so, he remembered.

"It's what she wants." He finished lamely.

Gabe raised an eyebrow and looked as if he was going to argue but in the end, he decided to leave it. It was best not to get himself involved.

Peter started talking about the latest Nintendo Switch release and all the tension dissipated. It was several hours later when they finished building the bookcases. They lifted it up against the wall and Peter had to admit, it actually looked really good and filled up the space really nicely.

Gabe started to put away the tools when Peter asked. "Uhh, aren't you supposed to secure it to the walls?

"Nah, man. It'll be fine."

"Alright but you're taking yourself to the hospital when that thing falls on you."

Gabe rolled his eyes, flipping him off. "Yo, you wanna go to a bar? There's one right downstairs. Saturday night, right?"

Peter checked his watch. It was only 10PM and definitely way too early to go home. He briefly thought about texting Lara Jean and heading over to her place. But, she did say that she had some school stuff to do. No, he would leave it be for tonight.

"Yeah, sounds good."