Come home and lie in bed
Thinking if it was my fault?
Are you going to be happy?
Turn this all around
When everything is new, zero o'clock
"Zero O'Clock" by BTS
Chapter 8: This beautiful prison
It was 9PM on a Thursday and Lara Jean was baking, sifting the flour, mixing the dry ingredients, and then adding the butter and eggs. She did this without even thinking or looking at the recipe, instead biting the cap of the red pen, marking a few edits to the paper that she was currently grading. She put the pen behind her ear and whisked the batter. Then she was scooping the dough out onto the greased pan and placing the tray in the oven. She washed off her bowls and supplies, making another mark on the paper before writing the final grade on the front, circling it. She wiped down the counter and grabbed the next paper.
She heard a knock on her door and moved to open it. It was Peter. She could see the dark circles under his eyes and bit her lip in worry. "How was your day?"
"Exhausting," he said, kissing her gently before moving to take off his jacket and putting his laptop bag on the counter stool. He took off his tie and fell back against the couch. "But, the client loved the presentation so it was all worth it in the end. I'm done for now."
"That's great!" She nodded towards the oven. "I'm making cookies. They'll be ready in a few minutes."
He stood up and went to the fridge and took out last night's takeout, moving around her kitchen in a familiar fashion, knowing exactly where the plates and cutlery were. He placed some noodles in the microwave before gathering her into a hug. Her small form molded against his.
"How was your day?" He asked, his face buried in her hair.
"It was good! I basically didn't leave the house. Just stayed home and graded but I got so much done! I only have a few left and then it's full on research mode."
He smiled. "That's amazing. Do I want to know what full on research mode looks like?"
"Expect a lot more cookies."
"Well, I can't complain about that."
The microwave beeped and he got out his food, sitting on the stool and taking a bite of his noodles, watching as she moved around the kitchen gracefully, removing the cookies from the oven and moving them to the cooling rack. Lara Jean poured him a glass of water. They talked a bit more about how his client presentation went and what project he was likely going to be put on next. When he was done with his food, he cleaned off his dishes and helped her clean up the kitchen.
They moved to the living room with a plate of cookies. Peter put on the next episode of the BBC miniseries they were watching. When a week had passed and he hadn't read a single page, Lara Jean realized that there was no way he was going to actually read the book she gave him despite her pestering. She opted to make him watch the BBC version of North and South, thinking it might convince him to read the original source material.
Lara Jean cuddled against Peter's chest as he draped an arm over her shoulder, cookie in the other hand.
"Richard Armitage is so dreamy."
"Wasn't this the same guy that was the angry dwarf dude in the Hobbit?"
"You mean Thorin Oakenshield?"
"Yeah, that's what I said."
She smacked him gently against his chest, leaning up for a kiss. "Don't worry, you're much dreamier."
"Thank you for thinking of my fragile ego, Covey."
She smacked him again, this time a little harder and leaned back against his arms.
Lara Jean and Chris were sitting on the grass next to Chris's office building, eating their sandwiches, discussing their next trip to New York City the following week. It was their turn to visit Lucas. Chris pointed out a few art exhibitions that she wanted to check out and Lara Jean listened, nodding every so often.
"What's up?" Chris nudged her foot, kicking her shoe against Lara's Jean's. "You seem distracted."
"I'm fine." Lara Jean forced a smile.
Chris remained unconvinced, lowering her sunglasses so she could look Lara Jean in the eye. "You can tell me, LJ."
Lara Jean fiddled with a blade of grass and shook her head. "I'm just being stupid." She paused for a moment and then divulged her concerns about how she had found another woman's phone number at Peter's apartment last week.
Chris raised an eyebrow at this. "And, what did he say?"
"He said it was nothing. That he and Gabe were just out and she slipped him her number."
Chris was quiet for a few moments before she finally responded. "I think PK is telling the truth. I've said it once and I'll say it again - he only has eyes for you."
Lara Jean threw herself back against the grass, frustrated. "I don't know what to think anymore." She sat back up. "When we're together, everything just clicks. And, I don't feel like we're just friends, we're something more. At least, to me, we are." She sighed. "I don't know if I want to pretend anymore."
As much as she wanted to deny it, her feelings for Peter went far beyond platonic. His mere presence stirred sensations in her being. She found herself missing him during random moments throughout the day. He had been coming over to her apartment after work almost every night and they would spend their evenings telling each other about their days and relaxing, recuperating from the day. It was all so domestic and normal. And, she knew without a doubt that she was falling for him again.
This was a dark and windy path that she was going down. She was putting herself at risk of having her heart broken again.
Chris grabbed Lara Jean's hand, squeezing gently. "I know, LJ. I don't think you guys were ever really pretending."
"What do you mean?"
"You are both incapable of doing casual relationships. You and Kavinsky have always thrown yourselves completely into things when it comes to love." Chris looked at her intently. "You have to tell him how you feel."
Lara Jean bit her lip. "I know."
Lara Jean decided that she liked it better when Peter was in between projects. His hours were much more manageable and she noticed that he seemed much more relaxed, the tension disappearing from between his shoulder blades. Another week had passed and she still hadn't mustered up the courage to tell Peter how she felt, despite Chris's constant pestering via text. She had avoided the group chat with Kitty and Margot too. She just really needed people to stop pressuring her. She would tell Peter, really, she would. She just needed time to find the right words.
Lara Jean had her clothes thrown over her bed as she debated what to pack. Peter was under her covers, finally reading the book that she had given him. He looked at her and smiled.
"You're packing for a weekend and not three weeks, right?" He surveyed all the different outfits that she laid out.
"Shut it!" She complained. "Chris and I are going backstage at Lucas's new show and I need to look amazing. Like I fit in with these famous Broadway celebrities and I'm not just some frumpy mess." She held up a sparkly blue dress and then threw it back onto the bed.
"Ughhh!" She flopped onto the bed dramatically and looked up at Peter. "I don't have anything to wear."
"Covey, you're going to look amazing in whatever you decide to wear." He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead.
"You have to say that because we're having sex."
He shook his head and laughed. "I actually probably shouldn't be saying that because we're just friends that have sex." The smile faded on his lips.
She leaned forward and pulled him into a deep kiss. She should tell him now. This was the perfect opportunity to do it.
She faltered, her courage dissipating. She just couldn't. "You make everything better, Peter Kavinsky."
He looked at her and smiled softly, cradling her cheek in his palm. "You're not so bad yourself, Covey."
She crawled off the bed and went back to her closet, furiously moving her hangers back and forth as she searched for the right outfit. She didn't notice the way that Peter clenched his fists, his eyes closed, desperately trying to stop himself from saying anything further.
Lucas had a tiny one bedroom apartment, basically the size of a studio, in a 5th floor walkup in the heart of the Lower East Side. It was perfect for him and even as she and Chris cuddled together on the hard floor of his living room, she knew there was nowhere else in the world that he belonged. Chris propped herself up on her elbow, taking a sip of wine, looking at Lucas who was sitting on the couch.
"I envy your life here."
Lucas laughed. "Well, maybe you should've moved here instead of Boston."
"Ughh," she rolled her eyes. "Don't make me regret finally deciding to be a responsible adult." She huffed and jutted out her lower lip. "I hate being an adult. It really is the worst thing."
Lara Jean tipped her wine glass towards Chris. "Can you believe that out of the three of us, you actually have the most stable career?"
"Oh god," Chris moaned, "Don't say it like that!"
Lara Jean and Lucas gained up on her and started teasing Chris, who swatted them away, howling. "Don't make me spill my wine!"
They broke apart in a fit of giggles. Lara Jean climbed up to the couch and leaned her head against Lucas's shoulder as they started the next episode of RuPaul's Drag Race.
Lara Jean had finally decided on a cream lace dress with small pearls delicately lining the scalloped edges of the neck line. She pulled her hair up in a loose bun on top of her head, tendrils of hair falling down to frame her face.
As they entered the backstage area, Lucas snapped a picture of her walking, capturing the smile and wonderment on her face as she looked around in awe. He posted it on his Instagram, tagging Lara Jean. Both their phones buzzed in their pockets a few seconds later.
Peter had commented on Lucas's post: "The fairest of them all." Followed by an angel emoji.
Lucas raised an eyebrow, holding his phone up towards Lara Jean. "You wanna tell me about this?"
Lara Jean quickly darted her eyes away. "We're just friends."
"Uh huh," Lucas said, unconvinced, as he led her and Chris towards the dressing rooms to meet the cast.
Peter's attention drifted in and out. He was at a bar with some of his co-workers and all they seemed to want to talk about was work. Most weeks, he worked 60 to 80 hours. Talking about work was the last thing he wanted to do during his time off. This is why he didn't go out.
A pretty young blonde approached him. He vaguely remembered her. Amber? Amy? It was something like that. He had worked with her on his last local project. She was bright, driven, and inquisitive. She definitely had a future in their industry. He nodded along to what she was saying, not really paying attention.
His phone buzzed and he looked down, excusing himself for a moment. Lucas had posted a picture of Lara Jean. He knew how excited she was about meeting the actors backstage and smiled. She looked perfect. He typed in a comment and slipped his phone back in his pocket.
The blonde returned, placing her hand against his forearm, squeezing suggestively. He immediately took a big step back and shook his head, almost as if scalded.
"Sorry, I'm-" he started.
She quickly interrupted, an embarrassed flush creeping over her cheeks. "I'm so sorry! Kim mentioned you were single so." She trailed off.
"No, not really." He finished lamely.
She nodded her head in disappointment. "I'm really sorry. I'm going to go over there now." She awkwardly shifted away from him.
Peter stared after her as she walked away. Gabe was right. What was his deal? He and Lara Jean were so far gone now down this path. He knew they had moved way past just friends. Most nights, he found himself sleeping over at her apartment, her small frame curled up against his. Friends did not do that.
God, this was messy. And, he knew that he was every bit to blame as she was.
Lara Jean had lost Lucas and Chris somewhere on the third floor of MoMA. She had forgotten just how big the museum was. She took the escalator up to the 5th floor, wandering the galleries aimlessly, until she found herself in front of a painting of a woman lying on a field, her gaze pointed up towards the house. The woman dressed in pink looked so helpless, as if she couldn't get up, desperately pining for something that was so close yet so far away, never able to reach her desires. Lara Jean stared at the painting, getting lost in the strokes and undulations in the paint.
"Ahh, Wyeth," Chris said, suddenly standing next to her. "Probably one of my favorite mid-20th century painters."
Lara Jean murmured her agreement as she followed Chris around the rest of the gallery. Nothing else she saw quite struck a chord within her like the Wyeth, however.
Lara Jean was browsing the gift shop alone, somehow losing Chris and Lucas yet again. She looked through the postcards, picking out three to send to Margot and Ravi, Kitty, and her dad and Trina. She stopped at the magnets, her eye caught by a blur of pink. It was the Wyeth painting with a cropped focus on the main woman figure, her desires and wants magnified by the up close focus. Lara Jean plucked it off the display, deciding to purchase it as well.
Her phone buzzed and she looked at it, thinking it was Peter. But, it was John Ambrose.
John: "Happy weekend, LJ! Research date tomorrow? I still owe you pastries and coffee, if I remember correctly."
Lara Jean: "Oh yes, from your crushing defeat?"
John: "Yes, I know. The memory is forever burned into my brain. Widener at 10AM?"
Lara Jean: "Sounds good. See you there."
Lara Jean mostly slept on the bus ride back to Boston, leaning her head against the window, feeling Chris cuddled against her shoulder. As their bus got off the highway and entered South Station, she nudged Chris, waking her up.
"Oh god, my back," Chris complained as she stretched.
Lara Jean was about to open her mouth to tease Chris when she shushed her.
"Don't say it. Just don't."
Lara Jean giggled as she grabbed her bags, joining the single file line off the bus. She hopped off the bus and walked into the terminal, not really paying attention to her surroundings. She felt herself being gathered into strong arms.
"Welcome back, Covey." Peter said into her hair, kissing her neck.
She looked at him surprised. "Peter! What are you doing here?"
"Picking you up." He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. He grabbed her bag, taking it from her hands.
"Let me say goodbye to Chris and we can head out." She gave him a quick peck on the cheek.
Chris was watching them with an amused expression. She hugged Lara Jean. "Right, because this is totally something 'just a friend' would do."
"Shut up." Lara Jean said as she hugged her tightly. "Lunch this week?"
"Of course."
Lara Jean walked back to Peter, almost shyly. He interlaced his fingers through hers and as they walked out of the terminal. She couldn't deny that this was the happiest that she had been in years.