Tell me about eternity just one more time
All I need is that one phrase
That you'll never change
You've got the best of me
So please just don't leave me
"Best of Me" by BTS
Chapter 9: I've always been the easy kill
John watched Lara Jean in amusement as she gobbled up a croissant. She nearly squealed when she saw the box of treats. He had gone off campus to her favorite bakery in the city to get all her favorites. He hushed her, not wanting to distract the other students studying the library. He opened the box and let her take first pick.
They fell into a comfortable silence as they each did their own reading. The only noise that permeated the study space was the light clacking of fingers flying across the keyboard. Lara Jean bit the cap of her pen before tapping it against the desk, repeatedly, lost in thought.
"Something bothering you?" John asked.
She leaned in, whispering, highly aware of the many other students around them. "Sometimes I think every heroine that Jane writes is a reflection of herself. I think I can see a bit of her in Elizabeth, Elinor, Emma, and Anne."
"Not Fanny?" John asked, teasingly.
"You're annoying." She joked. "What do you think? Do you think this is worth pursuing?"
He paused for a moment, thinking over her premise. "I definitely think so. I think you should put together a profile and then go to the books and find passages that support it. Present it to your advisor. I think they'd support you."
She nodded, giddily bouncing in her seat. "I'm doing it." She said excitedly, returning to her reading.
A few hours later, their study session was interrupted by John's phone buzzing against the table.
"Sorry," he quickly apologized, reading the texts. He looked up at Lara Jean and started playing with the closed book on the table. He almost looked nervous.
"Hey, so are you around this weekend?"
Lara Jean nodded. "Why, are you planning on studying over the weekend too?"
"No, it's not that." He laughed awkwardly. "My roommates and I are having a party Saturday night. You should come. I live close to the Yard so it'll be close for you."
She leaned forward and clasped her hands together. "You know I hate parties, right?"
He laughed again, genuinely this time. "Come on, LJ. It's an end of the semester party. Even you need to celebrate that the semester is finally over."
"You know the semester ended two weeks ago, right?"
"Are you coming or not?"
"Yes," she conceded and added as an after-thought. "Can I bring a friend?"
"Yeah, sure. The more the merrier."
The rest of the week passed by in a blur. She had finally finished grading and inputting all the final scores so she was officially free to focus on her research. Peter was still in between projects so his days were more relaxed. The weather was nicer now and Lara Jean finally felt that summer had arrived.
It felt more official when she had finally put away all her winter coats for the season and replaced her wardrobe with her summer clothing. She was in a pretty yellow sundress, enjoying the warmth of the sun against her skin. She was studying at an outdoor café, Peter next to her, typing away at his laptop. It was nice when he worked from home. Was that what they were to each other? Home?
She put her book down and sat up against her chair, taking a slow sip of her iced coffee. "What are you doing this weekend?"
"You asking me out, Covey?" He asked, teasing.
She rolled her eyes. "One of my friends in my program is having a party so," she trailed off.
"I thought you didn't like parties."
"I don't," she replied automatically. "But, I know you do."
He raised an eyebrow. "So you want me to go in case you need me to bail you out."
"Exactly," she pouted and looked at him with her best pleading eyes. "Pretty please?"
"Fine, Covey, but you owe me." She found herself getting lost in his eyes, entranced by his charming smile.
Her phone buzzed, interrupting the moment, and she looked down, realizing the time. "Oh crap! I gotta go. I'm supposed to meet Chris for lunch."
It was his turn to pout now. "Leaving already?"
She got up and gathered her things, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow night! Come by my place around 8PM?"
"See you then."
Lara Jean nearly ran over a nice, old lady holding the door open for her as she approached the sushi restaurant. She smiled at the kind woman before rushing in, sliding into the empty seat across from Chris who had already ordered herself a green tea and appetizer.
"I'm so sorry," she said in a rush.
"This is so unlike you, LJ, to be late?" Chris said, amused at how disheveled her best friend was.
Lara Jean tried her best to tame her hair and put her bag on the chair. "I was studying and got distracted – sorry!"
"Studying, ehh?" Chris asked knowingly. "Is that what they call it now?"
They ordered their meals quickly, barely even looking at the menu as they always got the same thing. Lara Jean was taking a bite of her sashimi when Chris asked her about her weekend plans. Chris was trying to convince her to come to an opening of a new bar downtown tomorrow night.
"I can't! I have plans. Peter and I are going to party."
"You're going to a party?" Chris asked. "I thought you hated parties."
"Why does everyone keep saying that?" Lara Jean complained. "I don't hate all parties. I can be fun too."
"Yeah, okay. Whose party is this?"
"John Ambrose's."
Chris's eyes widened at this. "You're taking Peter to John Ambrose's party." She said slowly, as if the words were foreign to her.
Lara Jean shrugged. "Yeah, why? We're all friends so why not?"
Chris started laughing hysterically as Lara Jean stared at her in confusion. "You have got to be joking me."
"What is the big deal?"
Chris shook her head, reached forward and clasped Lara Jean's hand in her own. "Oh, my sweet summer child, never change." She raised an eyebrow. "You know this is a terrible idea, right?"
Lara Jean didn't understand and Chris sighed.
"You're bringing your fake boyfriend to a party hosted by the guy that has an enormous crush on you?" Chris thought about it for a moment. "I only wish I could be there to see the massacre."
Lara Jean waved her off. "We're all just friends."
Chris snorted and crossed her arms. "Okay, LJ," she said in a sing-song voice. "Can you just FaceTime me when they fight though?"
Lara Jean stuffed another piece of sashimi into her mouth, ignoring Chris. She quickly changed the subject to the bar opening which sufficiently distracted Chris from the topic of her love life. Chris was so wrong. Everything was going to be fine. It's not like Peter even had feelings for her beyond friendship, right? She was the only one with the feelings and so she was the only person at risk for getting hurt. Besides, John Ambrose didn't even think of her like that.
She nodded to herself, utterly convinced of these lies.
John Ambrose's apartment was small and as Lara Jean waded through the crowd, Peter close behind her, she was surprised that so many people fit into the space. The music was pounding and the air was thick with the heat of so many bodies.
Lara Jean tucked herself into the corner of the living room, closest to the books, where she felt the most comfortable. Peter was completely at ease and pointed towards the direction of bar, motioning that he would grab some drinks for them. Lara Jean held her arms at her side, looking around for any familiar faces. She spotted some other teaching fellows by the couch and moved to sit down next to them. Peter returned a few minutes later and she introduced him to everyone.
Lara Jean noticed the way that some of her classmates were eyeing Peter and couldn't help but be amused. Of course. Peter was tall, attractive, and charming. It didn't surprise her at all that women were interested. She felt a tinge of jealousy but quickly tamped it down. She moved closer to him on the couch, her knees bumping against his. He smiled at her and squeezed her arm, letting his hand fall close to hers, their fingers touching as they talked. It was intimate and she knew they were probably sitting too close to each other but she couldn't find it within herself to move away, enjoying the way that he smiled and paid attention to her.
After a while, she pressed a hand to his chest and whispered in his ear, "I'm going to pop to the restroom. Good luck with this." She tilted her head towards the group of women, who were staring at him like he was a tasty treat.
Lara Jean weaved her way through the crowd, getting in the line for the bathroom. She pulled out her phone to pass the time as she waited. The line was faster than expected and as Lara Jean exited the bathroom, she searched for Peter but couldn't find him. She was in the hallway when she felt a tap on her shoulder.
"John Ambrose!"
"LJ, you made it!"
"Your place is nice!" She exclaimed above the noise. She saw that he was saying something but she couldn't really hear over the noise. She leaned in closer to him, her mouth right by his ear. "Sorry, I can't really hear you."
He pulled her down the hallway where there were less people. "I was just saying that you look great. And, thanks for coming!" He took a sip of his beer. "You want the grand tour?"
She smiled. "Yes please!"
He pointed in the direction of the crowd. "Kitchen and living room that way. Bathroom." He walked a little further down the hallway and opened a door. "This is my room."
Lara Jean stood at the entrance, leaning against the door frame, not wanting to step fully into his room. This felt intimate. And weird.
"This is nice," she said, clasping her hands together, not moving from the entrance.
"You can come in, LJ," John said, amused. "I promise I don't bite."
"I should really get back," she nodded towards the party.
John stepped forward, closing the space between their bodies. Lara Jean could smell the alcohol on his breath. Liquid courage, right? He wrapped his hand around hers.
"Lara Jean, I need to tell you-" He paused and looked at a point behind her. "Can I help you, buddy?"
Lara Jean didn't want to turn around. She could already feel the intensity of Peter's stare as she slowly turned on her heel. Peter stared straight at her, his brown eyes turning darker, and Lara Jean almost flinched from the intensity.
"We need to go," He said calmly. Too calmly.
Lara Jean moved away from John. She touched his arm gently and said, "I'm sorry but I need to go." She could see Peter's jaw clenching as she touched John. She pulled her hand back quickly.
John stared after her, confused, continuing to dart his gaze between Lara Jean and Peter. He didn't stop her though. "Of course," he said. "We'll talk later."
Lara Jean quietly followed Peter out of the party. It was much easier to let him lead. People seemed to naturally get out of his way as if sensing the tension emanating from him. The five minute walk back to her apartment was silent and torturous. Lara Jean kept darting glances back and forth between his face and the sidewalk beneath her. She was trying so hard to read him but he gave nothing away. He remained stoic, his mouth forming a hard, flat line.
She opened the door to her apartment and stepped inside, kicking off her shoes. She steeled herself, walking towards the living room.
"Do you like him?"
Lara Jean turned around and looked at him, confused. "Peter, what-?"
He stopped her and repeated, emphasizing every word. "Do. You. Like. Him?"
"No," she whispered. "He's just a friend."
"Right, friends." He scoffed. "Friends like us?"
"What is that supposed to mean?" She stood firm in the living room, her body wanting to go to him, but she stopped herself.
"I think you know exactly what it means, Covey."
"I don't know what you want from me, Peter." She balled her hands into fists and shook her head vehemently. "I can't do this." She started to walk away from him and it felt just like it did all those years ago. The rejection tasted cold and bitter against his tongue. He wasn't enough for her then and it seemed he still wasn't enough for her now.
Peter walked towards her, closing the distance between their bodies. He grabbed her arm, whispering harshly against her hair. "Covey, I won't let you do this again. I won't let you walk away."
She looked up at him, her eyes watery with tears. "I wasn't the only one that walked away, Peter. We both did." She moved away from him again, wrapping her arms around herself, as if it would protect her.
He looked at her, confused. "I never walked away from you, Lara Jean." He felt like he was baring his soul to her. "I only agreed to breaking up because it was what you wanted."
She shook her head violently. "Why didn't you fight for me?" Her voice was small and fragile.
"Is that what you really wanted, Lara Jean? Be honest with yourself."
She couldn't stop the words from escaping now. "I wanted you to want me to stay and tell me that you refused to break up with me. I wanted you to try to win me back, like you did all those years ago in high school. But, you just forgot me." The tears were streaming down her face. "You forgot me so easily. I saw your Instagram and just two weeks later, you were tagged in posts where girls were hanging all over you. And, it just felt like everything we had meant nothing to you. How could you have moved on so fast when I was still crying every night? I didn't understand but I do now. I won't let you hurt me again, Peter Kavinsky, I can't." She slumped in defeat. "I just can't. Whatever this was," she gestures between them. "It's over."
He is silent for several moments and Lara Jean just stared at him helplessly, begging him to say something. Anything.
He doesn't respond. Instead, he walked towards her purposefully and lifted her up, pushing her up against the wall. Her legs go around his waist automatically and then they were kissing each other hard, their tongues battling for victory.