The more time flows

The more it deepens

I'm between your past and future right now

"Don't Leave Me" by BTS

Chapter 10: We're in the endgame now

"It's over." The words reverberated throughout his brain and he stood in front of her, raw, feeling like he was 18-years-old all over again and she was pushing him away, trying to close the chapter on their relationship.

He couldn't stop himself. He needed to make her understand that backing away from this just wasn't an option anymore. They were too far gone and he wouldn't let her push him away again. His hands were everywhere and she was desperately trying to think, to say something. Her head fell back against the wall. She moaned as Peter sucked on her neck, leaving small bites along her collar bone. He wasn't being gentle anymore. She felt the brick wall grate against her skin and she couldn't help but like the roughness, just a little. He kissed her deeply as he undid her skirt, pulling it clean off. Their clothes went flying all across her living room. When they were completely naked, he wrapped her legs around him again and carried them to her bed. There was something so primal about the way he moved, as if he couldn't tear himself away from her for anything else in the world.

He lowered her onto the bed softly and lavished her with kisses. They had had sex so many times before but this felt different. He took his time, kissing her slowly and all over. It was as if he was trying to memorize her form. Was he saying goodbye?

Before she could pursue that thought, his lips were on hers. He was hard against her thigh and she moaned as he grinded into her center. She left a long scratch down his back as he played with her clit. He thrust his fingers into her. His breath was hot and heavy against her neck and she lifted her hips up into his hand, giving him more access. She felt him move off her to grab a condom and a few moments more, he was thrusting deep into her. He stilled for a moment when he was buried to the hilt, looking down at her and watching her reaction intently.

"I need you so much," he whispered to her. "Don't leave me again."

She looked up at him, her expression soft, confusion coloring her pretty eyes. And, then he was thrusting into her so powerfully that every thought flitted from her brain. She gave herself into the pleasure and wrapped her legs around him, taking him deeper. When she came, she felt the tension build up inside her before all her senses exploded and all she saw were stars.

He collapsed against her a few moments later, thrusting hard into her. She felt the remnants of his touch burn against her skin. She rolled over to face him, her body and heart tired.

She caressed his face and whispered, "I need you too." Sleep overtook her and Peter watched as she faded into a calm sleep. He kissed her cheek gently, pulling the covers up above her shoulders. He leaned back against the pillow and sighed, closing his eyes but knowing that he wouldn't sleep tonight.

Peter woke up before her the next morning. He could tell that it was still early, the first rays of light of the day peeking through the blinds. He turned to her and watched her sleep, her breathing even. He brushed the hair out of her face and loved that even in her sleep, she leaned into his touch. He sat up in the bed and ran a hand through his hair, sighing. He had to tell her how he felt. He couldn't put it off anymore. They probably should've actually talked last night but he was always better with actions. When she had threatened to end, whatever it was they were doing last night, he snapped. He couldn't let go of her, physically, emotionally. She was a part of him, in every part of his being, intertwined.

He was never good with words. That was always her thing. But, he needed to do this.

He grabbed the pen and paper and started to write. He furiously scribbled down his thoughts and by the time he was done, his right hand ached. He slipped the letter into an envelope and left it on the pillow next to her. He knew he should probably tell her his feelings in person but the thought of facing her after she rejected him, again, last night was too hard for him to fathom. He gathered his clothes, dressing silently, and slipped out of her room and apartment.

The first thing that Lara Jean noticed when she woke up was that the bed was cold. She had gotten used to Peter curled around her, keeping her warm throughout the night. She opened her eyes and sat up on her elbows, looking around. She was alone and her room was empty.

Her heart pounded against her chest as she fell back onto her pillow, trying her best to blink away the tears. This was exactly what she was afraid was going to happen from the beginning when they restarted all of this. He would realize his mistake, leave her and she would be all alone.

She drew the covers close to her face and turned in the bed. She could smell his cologne on her sheets. She wiped away her tears and saw that there was a blue envelope next to her. Confused, she grabbed it and opened it.

She recognized his handwriting immediately.

Dear Lara Jean,

If I were being completely honest with you, I did not move to Boston for my promotion. I moved here for you. When I first heard about the possibility of transferring to this office, the first thing I thought of was you. Like most things in my life, all my thoughts and actions seemed to lead back to you. So, when I saw an opportunity to be reunited with you again, I worked my ass off. I barely slept. All I focused on was the end game, on getting back to you.

I don't think I ever really stopped loving you. Yes, I pretended as if I had moved on and for awhile, I got so good at lying about it that I actually believed it. I went through all the motions but in my heart, I think I always knew that I could never really get over you. When you finally came back into my life and said that you wanted to be just friends, just wanted to keep it casual. It broke me. But, I couldn't let you go. I had just gotten you back so I stupidly told myself that I needed to be okay with whatever you were willing to give me. If that was just friends with benefits, I needed to be okay with that.

If last night was any indication of how I really felt about it, it became very clear that I couldn't share you. I want you, Lara Jean, completely and selfishly, all to myself. I will always fight for you and try to do better, to become someone that one day will deserve you. You were right. I should've fought harder for you all those years ago but I was stupid, young and prideful. I let my ego get the best of me and I couldn't let you see how much I was actually hurting

I am pushing my pride aside now and am telling you the truth. I hope I became the man I think you always knew that I could be. I look at you now and I'm amazed that you would choose me to talk to, to spend your nights with, to share your bed with. You are everything.

I will always love you, Lara Jean Song-Covey. I am yours and I hope that you are mine.

Peter

She reread the letter at least five times before she could finally process the words. He loved her. It was such a simple statement but she couldn't wrap her head around it. She had spent the last few weeks denying to herself that he had any feelings for her. She had been oblivious this whole time. As the shock slowly settled in, she snapped herself out of her daze. She grabbed a pen and paper and started to write. She poured everything she had been feeling for the past few years onto the pages and when she was done, she stuffed it into an envelope without rereading it. She couldn't let herself overanalyze it. She just needed to do it.

She looked at the clock, cursing herself for sleeping in. She needed to get to Peter. She quickly threw her clothes on and got herself ready. She knew her eyes were swollen from crying last night and her hair was such a mess. She tried her best to wrangle it into a messy bun.

She barely had her shoes on when she tumbled out of her apartment, ordering an Uber. She raced out the door, into the car. Throughout the ride, she cursed the traffic, debating if she wanted to text him. Should she tell him she was coming?

No. She needed to do this in person, not over text or call. Though she was older now, she was still every bit of a romantic as when she was a doe-eyed teenager. The heroine rushes to the hero to profess her undying love. She bounced her foot against the passenger seat, feeling restless. She rushed into his building, greeting the concierge, and practically stabbed the elevator button. Her bun had fallen out of its confinements and she pulled her hair tie out, letting her hair fall all around her face. Peter liked her hair down better anyway.

And, then she was finally at his door, knocking persistently. On the 10th knock, he finally answered. She looked up at him and could tell that he hadn't been sleeping. The dark circles under his eyes were prominent. He looked at her but couldn't quite meet her eyes.

"Hi Covey."

"Hi." She clutched his letter in her hand. He looked down and saw her holding it close to her body, her grip tight against the paper. "I got your letter." There was something else in her hand. She shoved it towards him.

He looked down at the envelope she handed him. "What's this?"

"I wrote you back," she said quietly, biting her lip.

He pushed it back towards her and for a moment, she could feel the tears spring up again.

"No, you read it to me."

Lara Jean stood at the entrance to his apartment, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. She opened the envelope, took out the letter, and cleared her throat.

Dear Peter,

Growing up, I always wanted my life to be like a fairy tale. I wanted to be the princess that the prince would rescue and then we would ride off into the sunset together. When you first came into my life, I knew I wanted you to be my prince. You gave me my first love story. But as we got older, I realized that not everything was like in a fairy tale. Real life and real love was so much harder. And at times, it could be downright tragic.

I know we keep saying that it was right to break up and that we needed the time apart and while the mature Lara Jean agrees, the 20-year-old version of me that was desperately in love with you just wanted us to fight through it. I thought we could conquer it all. I was saying one thing but wanting another.

You came back into my life like a whirlwind, Peter Kavinsky. And again, I said one thing but wanted another. I never wanted to be just friends. I don't even know how to be just friends with you. When I was younger, I always thought that 27 was a good age to fall in love with the love of your life. I never thought that I would've met mine in sixth grade and that he would capture my heart again at 26. I guess we were never good with timing, right?

I am yours, Peter Grant Kavinsky, if you'll be mine?

Always and Forever,

Lara Jean

Peter took the letter from her hands when she finished reading, looking over her curly script and the words, as if memorizing them. And, then he smiled at her. She bit her lip again and stood on her tiptoes, brushing her lips across his softly. "Let's do this for real this time."

He finally let his arms wrap around her waist, letting out a small laugh. He held her so tightly, like if he didn't hold on tight enough, she would disappear.

"I love you, Lara Jean."

"I love you, Peter."

They spent the rest of their night wrapped around each other. Lara Jean finished off the last spring roll, her legs on top of Peter's as he ran his hands up and down her thighs. He hadn't been able to keep his hands off of her all night. It was late when she finally announced that she had to leave.

"No, don't leave. You don't want to sleep over?" He whined, pouting for dramatic effect.

"Peter, you're leaving for Columbus tomorrow on a 6AM flight. I refuse to get up at 4AM. I need my beauty sleep."

He pulled her towards him and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Are you really mine, Covey?" He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers.

She kissed him back and put her palms against his chest. "Always and forever."

It was hard to leave him when he smiled so sweetly at her and Lara Jean debated just how much she actually had to leave. After a few moments of deliberation, she finally said goodbye and left his apartment, her whole being light and carefree.

Peter was in Columbus until Thursday evening, having been assigned a new project. He had grumbled about bad timing the whole night while Lara Jean was just amused at how genuinely bummed out he was. He texted her at 5:30AM Monday morning when he was getting ready to board.

Peter: "Miss you already."

She woke up to his message hours later and smiled stupidly at her phone, quickly typing back a response.

Lara Jean: "Miss you more. Good luck this week. Hurry back!"

She got dressed and hurried out to her shift at the neighborhood bakery. She was busying herself with rearranging the pastry display when she saw John Ambrose walk in. She half debated if she wanted to duck under the counter but he had already spotted her.

"Hi," he smiled at her. "I thought I'd find you here. I tried the library first but I didn't see you in your usual spot and then I walked past here and thought about coming in but then figured that would be weird and then I was standing at the front door for too long and people kept looking at me so I just came in." When he finished rambling, his eyes were wide and he shook his head. "I'm sorry. That was way too much information."

Lara Jean smiled at him, hoping it would put him at ease. "Give me one sec." She gestured towards the chairs, telling him to sit while she got someone to cover for her while she took a break.

She joined him at a table in the back corner a few moments later. "I'm sorry I disappeared like that at your party."

"It's fine." He shoved his hands into his pockets. "Was that guy umm." He paused and rocked his body back and forth. She could see that he was tapping his leg against the floor. "Was that guy your boyfriend?"

"Yeah," she said awkwardly. "He's an old boyfriend who I guess became my new boyfriend?"

"Oh," his face dropped. "I didn't realize you were-"

"I wasn't!" She said immediately, interrupting him. "At least not officially until this weekend." She looked at him apologetically. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but honestly, I didn't really even know what was happening between us."

He nodded and sighed. "I get it." He looked at her intently. "Can we still be friends, Lara Jean? I don't want things to be weird between us. You're honestly one of my favorite people to study with and talk to. I love bouncing my thesis ideas off you."

"Of course," she smiled and squeezed his shoulder. "Thank you for understanding." Because, of course John Ambrose understood. He always did.

"I guess it's just not our time now," He said softly. "But one day maybe it will be." He smiled wistfully at her and she looked down. She couldn't quite meet his gaze when he looked at her like that. Like she was all he desired.

"I need to get back to work," she said, fiddling with her apron.

"Of course."

Lara Jean debated if she wanted to tell Peter about her conversation with John Ambrose. She knew that he was already not the biggest fan of him, having caught John almost professing his feelings to her. She wanted to protect what she and Peter had. It was so new and fragile and she just didn't want anything to ruin it.

Peter came straight to her apartment from the airport. She led him towards the couch and he dropped his bags off in the bedroom. He flopped onto the couch, utterly exhausted. "I can't believe I'm there for another two weeks."

She cuddled up next to him and he wrapped his arm around her. "How was your hotel? Did you get those tiny hotel soaps?"

"It was pretty standard. No complaints. And yes, I stole some for you."

"Oooo! Thank you. You know how much I like those."

He kissed the top of her head. "How was your week?"

She paused for a moment, debating how she wanted to respond. "It was good. I studied, worked, you know the usual."

"Why is your voice doing that high pitchy thing?"

"It's not!" she squeaked. She finally sighed and clasped his hands. "Okay, don't be mad but John Ambrose came to the bakery to talk."

His eyes immediately narrowed and he swore. "That motherfu-"

"It was fine, Peter." She reassured him. "Nothing happened and I told him that you and I got back together and that me and him were just friends."

"You're still going to be friends with him?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Is that going to be a problem?"

He sighed and leaned back against the couch. "No," he said finally. "I'm just being a jealous prick."

She laughed and brushed the hair out of his face. "It's kind of a nice feeling, you being jealous."

Peter looked at her in confusion and she explained further.

"I've seen the way that other women look at you. There's something," she paused, trying to find the right word, "enthralling about knowing that you get jealous too."

He leaned down and kissed her gently. "I don't care about anyone else. There's no one like you, Covey."