I Didn't Love Him Anyway
By MGL Puffie
"Where is Guinevere?"
"You will never find her, you're all too late. She's gone." Gusion replied.
He lost count of how many times the question was asked over and over. Gusion didn't know who it was, but he didn't care. How many hours had it been? The voices continued, discussing in hushed tones where Guinevere must have gone.
"Why would you betray your own blood?" His brother asked. "Guinevere is my bride!"
Gusion laughed mockingly. "I didn't hide her or take her away. She doesn't like you because she has standards."
Rebellious, insolent and entitled were what they used to describe her. For Gusion, it was everything that made Gwen awesome. His grinned as he remembered Gwen - confident, beaming and fearless - as she raised a middle finger and mouthed some rude words against the Paxleys.
They called her an ignorant little girl. No, she was a woman. She was not theirs nor his.
Before Gusion was left alone again, his brothers made sure they tightened the ropes binding his wrists. Can they at least tie him to a better chair? His eyes shifted to the flickering lamp, too far away to give him warmth. The flames danced a little before it faded to ashes.
Gusion remembered Gwen's red lips, nearly touching the fire on the candle. The glow in her eyes was mesmerizing as she extinguished the light with a kiss. Her palm was against his beating heart that betrayed his emotions. He remembered how the moonlight outlined Gwen's hair, her face, and the curves of her bare shoulders. She was so warm and soft against him, her lips gentle and unsure as they met his.
Gusion was never intimate with anyone until that moment.
"We should go on a real date," Guinevere said, cheeks flushed against Gusion's chest, her arm and one leg wrapped on his body. Hair untied and uncombed seemed to fit Gwen better.
"Huh? What do you do on a date?" Gusion replied lazily. Sleepiness was taking over.
Gwen propped her head above Gusion and prodded the young man's cheek. He let her. "Seriously?" A short laughter escaped from Gwen. "You really have no idea don't you?"
"I'm not really allowed. You know it's always arranged."
"You know I'm not allowed to date anyone either, but how can you be so clueless?" Gwen leaned closer and gave Gusion a light kiss on the lips, quite tamer than earlier. She smelled like lavender. Gwen traced his jaw with the tip of her finger with a loving gaze from her eyes. The gentle part of her was also beautiful. "But if we do go on a date, we can just do normal stuff."
"What normal stuff?"
"Maybe we can eat dinner somewhere fancy. Go to a park or the seaside, I dunno. I think the carnival is next week. Right? Come on, let's play some games."
Gusion closed his eyes and tried to imagine an entire day with Gwen. "I want to get drunk. Not just drunk, wasted."
"Good idea," Gwen nodded with a sinister smile. "But don't you think the tavern will notice we're just nineteen?"
Gusion hummed and stared at the ceiling. "We can pass as twenty-one. Just act natural." Only if he could grow a beard he would look older. "Maybe we could wear a disguise" he suggested.
"We can have fun, you know? Not this kind of fun. We skipped all of that for this..." She giggled and found his lips again. Gusion responded with slow kisses. He could feel the woman's stifled laughter against him, heat rising again within. His arm found Gwen's waist and he pulled her closer.
Gusion smiled at the sweet memory as he shivered alone in his room, his prison. Gwen would have crossed the sea at this point. By dawn, she would be free and gone forever in his life. "I'm sorry," he said in a low voice.
"He said he'll come to say goodbye." Guinevere murmured as she wrapped her cloak around her body tighter. The winds were cold at the shores of the Moniyan Kingdom.
"You have to leave now," Lancelot insisted, looking around for any pursuers. His saber was out of its sheath, prepared to fight for his sister's freedom. Using his blade, he began to cut the ropes tying Guinevere's boat to the harbor.
Guinevere watched as every thread was severed. She will be dead to her father, mother, sisters and brothers once she stepped out of the shore.
"I thought you didn't want your sister to go?" The young woman teased, but a knot was growing tighter in her stomach. Dawn was close and she was going to lose the cover of darkness.
Why didn't Gus come? Was he just late? If this was her last chance...
"He's not coming." Lancelot said, sympathy in his eyes. "I'm so sorry Gwen."
Guinevere's lips quivered and her face crumpled. She lifted her chin high and took a deep breath. "Fine, then. Okay Gus, that's how it's gonna be huh?" She hastily opened her bag and tore a blank part of her diary. No time to prepare her ink. A stick of charcoal in her bag was good enough for a few words.
GUS! YOU SUCK! BYE FOREVER!
Gwen was tempted to add curses but she ran out of space, her words etched in large, black strokes.
What could have they been if everything was fine? Gwen imagined the laughter they could have shared, the embraces and touches... They could have had more. At least one more goodbye kiss. She bit her lip and held back some tears spilling down.
She could have asked him so much. All they did was run, hide in dark rooms, take the chance to kiss, touch, explore each other's bodies. They made love the second night they met and the several ones after. They could have talked more. She could have asked him more.
What were his favorite books? Maybe he wasn't a reader. Would he have liked to watch the theater with her? Could he sing or dance? Maybe he liked the outdoors. Would he go hiking or boating? What if he liked the beach? Can he swim? Did he even like the sun? Would he walk with her hand in hand to see the sunset? Would he kiss her on top of a mountain?
Gusion had dreams too. The man had secrets he would never told anyone. They were so alike in circumstances - nobility, family and expectations. They were both trapped in those prisons. It was like it's meant for them to meet each other.
But why wouldn't he run with her? Wouldn't he be happier if they're together? Those questions will forever remain unanswered.
But what was Guinevere to him? Was she at least a friend? A warm body? Just someone he played with? She looked at her short, pathetic letter and crumpled it in rage, screaming. Gwen threw the paper to her brother. "Make sure he reads that!"
Lancelot wiped a tear from his eye and enveloped Guinevere in a warm embrace. The woman clung back and wept bitterly. "Hey Gwen," he kissed her forehead. "We're family and nothing can change that, okay? I'll always be here for you if you come back." He sighed, "I can tell him anything if you want to..."
Nothing more to be said. Gusion was a bastard but she was the stupid one. She reveled in those fantasies of love defying all odds, of the two of them running off somewhere they could be free. Silly Gwen believing in fairy tales - those were only for girls, not for women.
"It's fine. I'm not really in love with him. It's nothing, just a stupid crush." Her voice shook as tears soaked her brother's shoulder. Lancelot was all she had left and he will be gone too. No one else loved her.
This was the price of freedom. So be it.
o
o
o
Author's note:
This fanfic is written for ML's official Valentine's celebration. I think it's in Facebook. I dunno. For a "prequel" of this fanfic you can read "It Was Silly" which was about Guin and Gus as children.
I've always been fascinated by the potential of this pairing for angst. I'm not a big shipper but I'm interested that Guin and Gus seem to be teens that deal with heavy, adult subject matter. It's tough for the both of them. I'm tempted to write their first time sex but it depends. Thanks for reading.