Indie Interviews Part 1
"As we all know," said Mr. Sakurai, in front of the original 12 Smash Brothers on a panel. "we are accepting six new fighters for this up and coming fighters pass. You 12 will be interviewing candidates."
"Mr. Sakurai," Fox raised his hand. "We've done this since Melee. We've had the same applicants for a long time. Can't we just decide between the existing candidates?"
"Good question, Fox. Any past applicants to the Smash roster will be up for consideration, but today we will interview fighters to represent indie games."
"Poyo?" said Kirby.
"Another great question, Indie games are short for Independent games and are made by a small development team with a small budget. So far we have spirits, assist trophies, and Mii Costumes from indie games, but no Smash fighters. It is your job to choose at least one potential fighter to pick for the next Fighter pass. I'll leave you to it."
Sakurai left the room.
"Before we let in the first applicant," said the iron-clad bounty hunter, "Can we all agree to not accept Steve from Minecraft."
All the fighters gave different responses. "Okey-dokey." "No." "Pika." "Yoshi." "Give him a chance." "Poyo." "I don't care."
Link sighed. "This is gonna take a while." he pressed a button to turn on the intercom. "Send in the first applicant."
The first applicant walked through the door. He wore a letterman jacket and a rubber rooster mask on his head.
"Take-a seat," said Mario.
He sat down in the chair in front of them, not saying a word.
"Please tell us your name and where you're from," said Link.
"They call me Jacket. I'm from Miami."
"What makes you think you can join the Smash Brothers roster?" asked Fox.
He shrugged. "I get phone calls. I don't know where they come from and I really don't care. They give me an address and tell me to do a job. Yesterday I was told to come here. I saw there was gonna be an interview for some fight club. I didn't see any Russian Mafia around so I'd decided to scope it out. Now I'm here."
"In order to have a good moveset in Smash," said Link. "your attacks have to be fairly diverse. What kind of attacks do you normally use?"
"I use whatever I can find laying around. Guns, knives, crowbars, pool cues," he shrugged again and slouched in his chair. "Whatever."
Fox leaned forward. "We use guns sparingly in Smash Brothers, on the account of the speed, range, and brutality of the weapons."
"That's fine. I like melee weapons better anyway. They're a lot quieter. It's a lot easier to deal with a room of people than the entire building."
"Why do you wear the mask?" asked Ness.
"Given to me by whoever leaves the voicemails. I'd say it's to hide my identity, but there are never any witnesses left."
Captain Falcon propped his feet on the table. "Enough talk. Show your moves!"
Three alloy soldiers were released. Jacket stood up immediately at the sign of a threat and brandished a pistol from the back of his pants. He shot all three in rapid succession. They staggered backward, but otherwise unfazed. Seeing that bullets didn't work very well, he emptied the magazine into one of the alloys and threw the pistol at it. The last of the bullets were enough to drain it's health and it was defeated. He picked up the metal chair and waited for the soldiers to come to him. The other two ran at him all at once. As soon as they got close, he knocked them both down with the chair. He got on top of the soldier and ran the back of the chair into it. As the other alloy started to get up, Jacket kicked it back down. He grabbed its head and bashed it into the floor. Having defeated all three, he stood up with his back to the panel. He glanced over his shoulder.
"Are we done?"
"Uh, yeah, I'd say, yeah, totally." stammered Captain Falcon. "You're free to leave. Thank you for your time." Jacket left the room. Captain Falcon was proud, but also intimidated.
The metal soldiers were left torn apart and smashed. Then they got up, and walked through another door to be repaired.
"So what-a you guys-a think of him?" asked Mario.
"He-a frightens me." said Luigi.
"He's a bit too M-rated for Smash." said Ness.
"I liked him," said Samus. "He had drive."
"Drive? That's a weird way to pronounce insatiable blood-lust." said Fox.
"I could see him in Smash," said Captain Falcon.
"Poyo." Said Kirby.
"Okay, I do not want to see Kirby copy any abilities from that guy." said Link.
"What do you think-a, Donkey Kong?" Mario asked.
The gorilla just grinned and gave a thumbs up.
"You three have been pretty quiet." said Samus.
"Jigglypuff."
"Yoshi."
"Pika."
Link sighed. "This is really what we need in the decision making process. Five non-verbal characters."
"You are-a one to talk-a." said Mario.
"Excuse me?"
"All I'm-a saying is that those are-a some strong-a words coming from a guy who speaks in-a grunts."
"I do not! I had dialogue options in some games. You said less than ten words in 64 and one of them was ravioli!"
Samus reached over Link's shoulder and pressed the intercom. "Next applicant, please."
"So is that a no on Jacket?" asked Ness.
The next applicant pushed through the door. He was a short skeleton that wore a blue hoodie with shorts and a pair of slippers.
"Get out of here, Sans!" said Link. The rest of the panel started yelling at Sans, telling him to go away and get out. Donkey Kong picked up a barrel and lobbed it at Sans. The only reaction Sans rewarded them with was a grin and a shrug. He teleported away before the barrel shattered on the wall behind him.
"So long-ay Sans!" Mario declared. Mario and Link high fived, both looking forward.
"Hold on a second." Captain Falcon raised his finger, pondering. "If Sans was there, and Ness is over there, how does that…"
"Sans and I are not the same person! That's a fake rumor!"
"Hold on," said Fox. "Ness is Sans?"
"No I am not!"
Link looked at Ness. "I can see the resemblance."
"I have skin!"
Fox folded his hands. "Okay, Ness. Stand up and do your normal pose."
Ness stood up from his chair and grudgingly walked in front of the panel. He put his arms curled at his sides and his hands in fists.
"Now say, 'You're gonna have a bad time.'"
"You're gonna have a bad time." he grumbled.
"Oh I see it." said Link.
"Oh yeah." said Luigi.
"Poyo."
Ness breathed deeply through his nose. Any further argument would be futile.
"Oh, we should let Sans in as an echo fighter of Ness." suggest Captain Falcon.
Everyone on the panel agreed in humor. Ness pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm gonna have a bad time," he mumbled under his breath.