Day 256

His mission had been miserable. The fact that Xion was still missing made everything worse. He just didn't understand why, and he hadn't seen Axel for days. At least he hadn't had any visions today. Maybe they were going away.

After his shift he went to the clock tower out of hopeful habit, even though he knew neither Axel nor Xion would come. Roxas admitted it to himself for what felt like the millionth time. He hadn't seen them anywhere. Not at the clock tower, not at headquarters, not during meals. Roxas wanted -needed- to see a familiar face. Even Demyx eluded him.

He resigned himself to another night alone and arrived back at the Organization's headquarters. He caught himself walking past his door to Axel's. He was feeling particularly desperate and lonely. He thought he heard someone shuffling around. His heart beat faster. Axel was in there. Roxas was about to see him for the first time in weeks. What should he say? I missed you? I'm going crazy. I'm seeing things. I decided not to hate you. I need you.

But no one came to the door. Silence. "Axel, are you there? It's Roxas -well, obviously." He was feeling flustered and pathetic. He tried the doorknob. It was locked. He walked quietly to his own room, trying to take up as little space as possible. As soon as he closed the door, he collapsed. Tears fell from his eyes. Nobodies shouldn't be able to cry, he remembered. So much for that.

Day 276

He walked to the clock tower again out of habit. He couldn't remember how he'd ended up here or why. What was the point of going to watch the sunset alone again?

Where was everyone? All his friends had abandoned him. He wondered if somehow he'd made them all up, along with his past. The visions felt more real than his everyday life sometimes.

He bought a sea-salt ice cream, still deep in depressive thought, and walked up the steps.

His stomach fluttered when he saw that Axel was there. Really Axel. Not a vision, not an illusion. The real thing. He'd felt numb for so many days, the force of his reaction took him by surprise.

"Wow…. You're actually up here…" he commented, breathless.

"Been that long, huh?" Axel responded, leaning back on the palms of his hands as he sat on the clock tower ledge, staring at the sunset.

Roxas thought about telling him how mad he was and asking why he'd been ignoring him and where he'd been, but he didn't want Axel to go away yet, and the fear of it happening was too great. He needed to talk. He told Axel about his most recent hallucination. He'd seen Xion at the beach, but she didn't look wholly like herself. The desperate expression in her eyes had frightened him, and he couldn't get the image out of his head.

The silence after his revelation was long and uncomfortable. Axel probably thought he was crazy. Axel stood up. He looked so noble and majestic as the last rays of the sun reflected off his red hair. Roxas couldn't explain what he was feeling. This person didn't look like Axel. He looked like everything Roxas had always wanted Axel to be and still couldn't help thinking he was – the solid center of a crumbling universe.

Axel looked at him and smiled. "You wanna go look for her?"

This took him by surprise. Could they just do that without permission? Axel probably wasn't thinking this through. "But Xemnas's orders…"

Axel leaned down and put a hand on Roxas's shoulder. He leaned in close. "Orders schmorders. Starting tomorrow, we'll use our spare time between work and coming here to try and find Xion."

Roxas noticed how Axel hadn't mentioned anything about their activities outside of work. Axel's face was so close to his. Tell me that our past was real. Tell me you remember something. Kiss me.

Axel did nothing. Roxas forced his mind back to Xion. She needed them. That look on her face still haunted him.

"Okay," he said looking at Axel. "Yeah, it's a deal."

Day 296

Now he saw Axel every day, and they always had the same conversation. Did you find her? No. Where did you look? Mumblings of places. We'll find her. "Yeah, we'll find her," Roxas responded, pretending like it was a fact.

He still couldn't sleep. He was plagued by not only his usual hallucinations, but also memories of his past with Axel, though he could never be sure if they were real either. Had they really kissed and gone on a date and fallen asleep in each other's arms? It seemed too fantastic to be real, so unthinkable when compared to the way they were now, total strangers.

He was going insane. He was losing it. He didn't know what to do.

Day 297

"I'll look again after work today, see if I can find her," Axel whispered as they waited to be assigned their missions for the day.

Roxas nodded. Axel didn't smile at him. He never smiled anymore. Neither did Roxas, come to think of it. They were getting nowhere. Both of them seemed to know it, but Axel kept pretending, so Roxas did too. "We'll find her, I promise," he'd say. "Yeah, we'll find her." Roxas would repeat the words, but he no longer believed them.

~0~

Roxas arrived at the clock tower at the end of the day feeling exhausted and hopeless.

"It's no use. We're never gonna find her," he admitted. He didn't have the energy to pretend.

Axel didn't look at him. He never did when they were alone together, Roxas noticed. "You sure there isn't someplace you're forgetting to check?"

"I've been everywhere I know how to get to," he sighed. He wanted to be clear. He'd tried everything. Everything to find Xion, everything to remember his real past, everything to get Axel to pay attention to him. Everything.

"Right." Axel said. He scratched his head absentmindedly. From what he could observe without directly looking at him, Roxas thought Axel was uncomfortable.

"The only place I haven't looked is Castle Oblivion," Roxas stated coolly. At this point, Roxas wasn't afraid to bring it up anymore. What else did he have to lose? "Xion was asking about it, remember? And the day before she disappeared, you said she was put on an important mission."

"Yeah, but…" Axel didn't seem to know how to proceed. "The place has cleared out. There's nothing there."

"Xion might be there," Roxas insisted. It seemed like the only possibility left.

"You know that's where she comes from. Castle Oblivion."

"I had no idea…" Roxas should have realized. Everything unpleasant always circled back to Castle Oblivion.

"I only found out about it a little while ago…" Axel trailed off. Roxas doubted he was telling the truth.

"She must have a lot of questions." Roxas imagined that wherever Xion was, she was probably having the same feelings as him. They were both totally alone and no one cared what happened to either of them. "Poor Xion."

"Hey, Roxas…"

Roxas knew that tone. It made him nervous. He managed to mutter, "Yeah?"

Axel paused. Then sighed. "I'm really, really sorry."

"For … for what?" Roxas managed to whisper. There were so many things Roxas was angry about. So many things Axel could be sorry for, but which one was he thinking of?

"I'm sorry this is how things ended up. I ruined everything." He paused and took a deep breath. "I fucked it up, like always."

This confession gave Roxas an odd kind of courage and the words poured out of him. "I have trouble remembering the past," he admitted "I…think I'm insane. I don't even know if everything I think happened really happened… Do you…remember when we kissed here?" Roxas looked at Axel who continued avoiding eye contact.

Axel sounded weak as he pleaded, "Please forget about it, okay? Please."

Roxas had to leave. He stood up to do so, but felt immediately dizzy. Don't fall off the ledge, he thought to himself, but what did it matter if he did? Then his mind went blank.

~0~

He woke up in his room. The ceiling came into focus and he realized that someone was holding his hand, and he recognized the hand and the person attached to it.

"Hey," Roxas said. His voice, freshly awoken from his sleep was quiet and muffled. His head hurt too. The last thing he remembered: falling, and before that the fatal words "Please forget."

Axel looked at him and offered a weary smile. "You passed out," he said simply. He stood up to leave, but Roxas was still holding onto his hand, as tightly as his tired body would allow.

Don't go, he thought. Don't keep leaving me. He was too weak to say it.

"You don't want me here, Roxas. Trust me," Axel responded, and Roxas unintentionally relaxed his grip. He wanted to scream at him, tell him that it was a lie, but Axel was already gone.