A/N: See Chapter 1 for Disclaimer.
Chapter 3: Making Changes
One evening, a week after Neelix's discussion with Dr. Luke, he rang the doorbell of the Captain's quarters.
"Hello, Dr. Luke," she said, greeting him with a warm smile. "Come in."
"Thank you, Captain," said Luke, and then he followed Captain Janeway inside.
"Can I get you anything?"
"No, ma'am. Thank you, though."
"Well, Doctor, tell me what's on your mind. What brings you here this evening?" she asked him, but then a moment later, she remembered what she'd heard about Dr. Luke on the Voyager grapevine. "Oh, wait a minute. I heard something about a big fight you and B'Elanna had a few days ago. Someone said that you were still really upset about it. Is that what's bothering you?"
Luke shook his head and responded, "No, ma'am. I…well, my ego was pretty bruised from the argument I had with B'Elanna last week, but I've been doing some hard thinking these past few days and I've realized that she was right about everything she told me."
"What did she tell you?"
"The truth, Captain. Just the truth. B'Elanna and Mr. Neelix and Jesus and the book of Proverbs, they…well, they all made me think, really think, about the way I act. The way I treat people. I sure didn't like it at the time, but I see it now that it was for my own good. Anyway, Captain, the reason I'm here this evening…well, frankly, I…I'm here to beg your forgiveness."
"Forgiveness?" said the Captain, obviously surprised. The Doctor was not the kind of person who typically begged forgiveness from anyone.
"Yes. As I said, Captain, I've been doing a lot of hard thinking lately, and I've realized some things. For the past seven years, you have treated me with kindness and dignity and respect. Many captains in your position would have just treated me like a slave, like I was just a piece of technology that they owned the rights to, but not you. You were so generous. You allowed me to develop my own personality, my own interests. You allowed me to learn and expand and grow. You gave me extraordinary freedom through the years. Not every captain would have treated his EMH with such consideration. And instead of saying thank you, I often stomped my foot and whined and complained like a spoiled, ungrateful two-year-old."
"What are you talking about?"
"Several examples come to mind. For one, there's the Hierarchy aliens and the Qomar."
"What do the Hierarchy aliens and the Qomar have to with this?"
"The first time we ran into the Hierarchy aliens and I defended Voyager by 'ordering' Tuvok to fire the 'photonic cannon,' you made one of my fantasies come true. You threw a surprise party for me in the Mess Hall and you awarded me the Starfleet Medal of Commendation. How did I thank you for your kindness and generosity? Just a few short weeks later when we ran into the Qomar, I started whining because the crew wasn't stroking my ego the way the Qomar were. I even threatened to leave all of you out here in the treacherous Delta Quadrant without a doctor. Seems I've always been like that. A few days ago, yet again, I was whining because all of you didn't drop everything you were doing and come to my piano recital and stroke my ego like I wanted. When I tried to cry to B'Elanna about it, she put me in my place very quickly, and she was right.
"Anyway, my overall point is, it's obvious that you've been a much better friend to me than I've been to you these past seven years. I've gone through a lot of pain over these past several weeks because of my experiences aboard the Idora, but I realize now that as painful as all of that has been for me, it's only a shadow of what you have been going through during our journey through the Delta Quadrant. You carry terrible, agonizing burdens constantly, but unlike me, you do it with humility and grace. You're constantly putting everybody else's needs ahead of your own. And all this time, I should have been there for you and I should have been looking for ways to ease your burdens. Instead, I fear I've only added to them by being such an egotistical jerk. I hope you can forgive me."
The Captain just remained perfectly still and silent for the next few moments, but then something happened that Luke did not expect. All of the sudden, she burst out laughing.
"Oh Luke," Captain Janeway said through her laughter, and then she wrapped her arms around him and gave him a big hug. When the embrace ended, she told him, "You worry way too much. Everybody knows that you can get pretty full of yourself sometimes. And yes, we all know that there are times when you can be egotistical and a bit of a windbag. But we know better than to take all your guff seriously. And I've never felt that you added to my burdens. As a matter of fact, you've eased them a great deal."
"I have? How?"
"I know that underneath all your bluster, you have a very kind and sensitive heart. And in addition to that, you also have a brilliant and creative mind. I know I could never hope for a better doctor for my crew than you. Knowing that I have someone like you for my Chief Medical Officer, a physician who's so very skilled and capable and passionate about the health and well-being of his patients, really puts my mind at ease."
Back when he was still a hologram, the Captain's compliments probably would have puffed up his already overinflated ego. He likely would have seen her praise as something he was owed. But now, her words really touched a deep place in his heart and he was very moved. In the following seconds, a couple of tears actually escaped from one of his eyes.
"Oh, honey," she whispered while brushing the tears away with her thumb, and again, she hugged him. "I know you've been going through a lot these past few weeks. I know it's been rough. I know."
Once their embrace ended, Luke told her, "You're right, Captain. It has been pretty rough, and I doubt it'll get any easier. It's like you said. You never get over it. You just get on with it. And I know that's what I have to do."
"You're doing great. You really are."
"I appreciate you saying that. It means a lot."
"It's true."
"But no matter how rough this experience has been on me, I know that it's nothing compared to what you've been going through these past seven years in the Delta Quadrant. No matter how heavy my burdens may be because of what I went through on the Idora, I see it now that your burdens are far heavier."
"I'm fine," the Captain insisted.
Luke shook his head and said, "I don't think you're as 'fine' as you insist, Captain. That day in your ready room when we were talking about this, you told me that this would haunt me every day for the rest of my life; that it wasn't something that was going to get better with time; that I had no choice but to keep going in spite of the pain because I had a whole ship full of people who needed me and that that mattered more than how I felt. When you said all those things to me, I don't think you were just talking about me and my experience aboard the Idora. I think you were talking about all the pain you go through on the inside every day because of everything you've been through. I think that you're in agony inside every single day, but for our sake, you ignore whatever pain you're going through and you keep going regardless of how hard it is. And because you're the captain and the captain always has to be larger than life in the eyes of her crew, you never turn to any of us and ask us for emotional support when you need it. You hold everything in. You constantly neglect your mental and emotional health. You always take care of all of us, but you almost never take care of yourself. And I think it's high time that that began to change."
"Dr. Luke, again, you worry too much. I really am alright."
"Maybe so, but I still think you and I need to start making some changes in our friendship."
"What kind of changes?"
"From now on, I want you to start letting me be there for you. I mean I want to really be there for you. Whenever we meet on the holodeck for coffee, nine times out of ten, we end up talking all about me. We'll spend the entire coffee session talking about my latest lecture on the human adrenal gland. About my plans for another opera recital or piano recital in the Mess Hall. About my broken heart that I've had ever since Seven started dating Commander Chakotay. And you offer some kind words of encouragement and you listen to me and you're there for me. Now, I want to be the one to listen to you. I want you to come to me and tell me about what's on your mind. I want you to let me comfort you and encourage you whenever you're hurting. It's time we make this friendship a two-way street."
"That's very sweet of you, but I really do believe you're making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't see our friendship as being a one-way street. I've never felt that way. And I assure you that whenever I am in need of emotional support, I will come to you."
Luke could see it in her eyes then that she was merely putting on the Brave Captain Face, just as she usually did. He knew now from personal experience the kind of mental and emotional agony she had to deal with on a daily basis, and he knew that she wasn't as "fine" as she always insisted she was. He knew that the Captain was much like a mother to her crew and that like any mother, she probably didn't feel right about allowing one of her "children" to emotionally support her. Parents, after all, were always supposed to be the strong ones.
"I'm going to hold you to that," Luke told her firmly, but he already knew she had no intention of lowering her walls and letting him in. He knew that he had to take the initiative and break through all her stubbornness for her own good.
They talked a little while longer, and then after exchanging the usual pleasantries, they said goodnight and Luke left. However, he left the Captain's quarters more determined than ever to help her.
When someone buzzed the Captain's door at one minute after six the next morning, to say the least, she was not pleased. Her alarm went off at zero-six-hundred hours every morning, but it often took her several minutes before she was able to fully wake up and face the day. After procrastinating for a few long moments, Captain Janeway reluctantly got out of bed and put on her robe and slippers, and then she answered the door.
"Good morning, Captain," said Luke with a bright smile on his face, carrying a breakfast tray.
"What's all this?"
"A nutritious breakfast, courtesy of Mr. Neelix," Dr. Luke explained while walking into her quarters and setting the tray down on the dining table.
"I don't understand. Why are you bringing me breakfast?" she asked with her hands on her hips.
"Captain, you have a number of bad habits that you are notorious for. You constantly neglect yourself. You're terrible about skipping meals. You work twelve, sometimes fourteen and even sixteen-hour days. You barely get any sleep. You depend on a continuous stream of coffee to keep you awake and alert on the Bridge. I've tolerated these behaviors in the past, but as of today, I am officially stepping in and doing something about it. From now on, I am personally going to see to it that you eat three balanced meals a day, just like every other member of this crew does. On top of that, I am going to accompany you to the holodeck twice a week for an exercise regimen I have personally created for you. And I am also going to accompany you to the holodeck at least once a week to make certain you engage in some form of recreation."
"Dr. Luke, I appreciate all this, but–"
"No buts, Captain. You've neglected your health for many years, but I'm not going to let you get away with it any longer. As Chief Medical Officer, I officially outrank you when it comes to all medical matters, and starting right now, you are going to stop neglecting yourself and you are going to start taking care of your health. Doctor's orders. Now have a seat and dig in."
The Captain could see it in Luke's eyes that no matter what she said, he wasn't going to budge an inch. Realizing then that she had little choice, she laughed to herself, sat down, and began eating. She realized in those moments that she would obviously be spending a lot of time with Dr. Luke in the near future, whether she wanted to or not. Clearly, the days and weeks ahead were going to be very interesting, and that was an understatement.